In step

[RiverOL]

Do Colors Have Special Meaning In The Bible?​

Do colors have special meaning in the Bible? In some cases, they do.

Red as Atonement​

Almost every time I see a rainbow, I’m reminded of God’s promise that “the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh” (Gen 9:15), but colors in the Bible sometime portray an attribute of God or signify a purpose. One example is the color red. After the fall in the Garden, and the loss of fellowship with God, “the Lord God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them” (Gen 3:21), so this was the very first blood sacrifice to be shed over sin, so atonement for sin comes at a great cost. Scripture has taught that “under the law almost everything is purified with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sins” (Heb 9:22). Even in relation to human sin, one man’s blood is required for the life of another (Gen 9:4-6), but red often foreshadowed Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice (Ex 12:5)…the Lamb of God’s blood…a lamb without blemish or spot (1 Pet 2:19).

This scarlet thread is interwoven throughout Scripture, like with Rahab who lived in the wall of Jericho. She was saved because she hid the Israelite spies. Before Israel attacked Jericho, she let down a red cord so that she and her family would be safe. The Israelites were spared because they “sprinkled the blood, so that the Destroyer of the firstborn might not touch them” (Heb 11:28). At Calvary, they took Jesus and “stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him” (Matt 27:28), mocking Him.

White as Righteousness​

White clearly represents the righteousness of God. Isaiah’s plea to Judah was, “Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool” (Isaiah 1:18). All of the faithful martyrs who had died for their faith were “given a white robe and told to rest a little longer, until the number of their fellow servants and their brothers should be complete, who were to be killed as they themselves had been” (Rev 6:11), and John “saw them standing before the throne, and before the Lamb, arrayed in white robes.

And one of the elders said unto me, Who are these clothed in white robes? and where did they come from? And I said unto him, My lord, you know. And he said unto me, These are they who come out of the great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and have made their robes white in the blood of the lamb” (Rev 7:13-4). And white represents the righteousness of Christ (2nd Cor 5:21). The Book of Revelation has 15 references to the color white…more than any other book in the New Testament (i.e. Rev 1:14), representing purity, holiness, or righteousness.

Only the Old Testament Book of Leviticus has more references to the color white (16), but that’s because this book was intended for the priesthood, which foreshadowed the coming High Priest Who now abides forever, and in perhaps the greatest prayer of repentance in Scripture, David prayed, “Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow” (Psalm 51:7).

Purple as Royalty​

Purple is representative of royalty and honor (Judges 8:26). This is found in Scripture, but also in the secular world where most kings wore purple. When Daniel was placed as third in the kingdom of Babylon, “Belshazzar gave the command, and Daniel was clothed with purple, a chain of gold was put around his neck, and a proclamation was made about him, that he should be the third ruler in the kingdom” (Dan 5:29). When Mordecai revealed a plot to assassinate the king, the king rewarded him “with a great golden crown and a robe of fine linen and purple, and the city of Susa shouted and rejoiced” (Esther 8:15b). The color purple was a very expensive process as they extract it from a certain sea shell, so this color was not for the commoner. And the Tabernacle’s “gate of the court” was made of “blue, purple, scarlet, and fine linen” (Ex 27:16).

Gold: The Refiners Fire​

Fire is primarily yellow in color, so sometimes yellow and gold are used simultaneously, but gold is one of the most precious of metals, and processing gold is also very laborious and expensive. Gold can refer to a fire, trial, or a refining process (or all 3). Jesus told the lukewarm church of Laodicea “to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see” (Rev 3:18).

That meant they had never really suffered much persecution, maybe because they lived more like the world, and the world doesn’t persecute people living like the world, but refined gold is also symbolic of the work that God does in a believer’s life. That’s why Peter wrote “that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (1 Pet 1:7). Of course God appeared to Moses in the burning bush, but fire also represents God’s judgment.

Blue: Symbolic of the Kingdom​

In Ezekiel’s vision of the glory of the Lamb of God, he wrote “And above the expanse over their heads there was the likeness of a throne, in appearance like sapphire; and seated above the likeness of a throne was a likeness with a human appearance” (Ezk 1:26), and sapphire is mostly blue in color. Blue will also be one of the dominant colors in the New Jerusalem that descends out of heaven.

Green as Prosperity​

The color green speaks about spiritually thriving as a plant does near a stream. David wrote, “But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God” (Psalm 52:8). God says of the righteous, “They are planted in the house of the Lord; they flourish in the courts of our God. They still bear fruit in old age; they are ever full of sap and green” (Psalm 92:13-14). If you’re frequently found in the presence of God (worship, prayer, fellowship), your sap will be full and you’ll thrive, so being green and full of sap means you’ll bear fruit, even into you old age.

Black as Catastrophe​

The color of black is associated with death and darkness (Lam 4:8), and since we know that God is light and goodness (John 1), then the absence of light is darkness and evil. The prophet Micah describes it, “Therefore it shall be night to you, without vision, and darkness to you, without divination. The sun shall go down on the prophets, and the day shall be black over them” (Micah 3:6). In the Book of Revelatin, the 3rd seal was a black horse, which spelled bad news for the earth’s inhabitants (Rev 6:5-8), and there was 3 hours of darkness at Calvary, as Jesus hung on the cross.

Conclusion​

As you have read, colors have meaning in the Bible. For example, red represents atonement, and Jesus’ shed blood. White comes from the righteous and purity of Christ, which explains the saints wearing robes of white. All of these colors are visual reminders of God’s redemptive work through Jesus Christ Who came to give His life as a ransom for many (Mark 10:45), but do the “many” include you? If not, why not? Trust in Him today and you can receive the very same righteousness that Jesus Christ has (2 Cor 5:21), and that’s the only way into the Father (John 6:44; Acts 4:12).

 

[RiverOL]

LIVING OUT PEACE​

It is possible in spite of great grief, sorrow, loss, discouragement, confusion, pain and broken relationships, to learn how to live in the peace of Jesus and return to peace when ambushed by the anxieties and the brokenness of this life.
All of us battle anxiety.
All of us struggle to live in the peace of Christ. All of us struggle to remain in perfect peace.
However, the Prince of Peace, Jesus, can restore peace to you regardless of how the world around you tries to take it from you.


The Apostle Paul told the Philippians in Philippians 4:6 not to be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
If you and I are going to live in peace we have to stop worrying.

That is easier said than done, right? When you are laying on an operating table or sitting at your kitchen table trying to figure out how to make ends meet, or saying goodbye to a love one, or trying to save your marriage or rescue a wayward child. These moments are not easy moments. It is hard in these moments to turn off the mind, to trust the Lord with it, and live out peace in your life.

It is easier to give up, give in, and just worry ourselves to death.
The Apostle Paul wants to teach us from God’s Word how to break these cycles of worry that create chronic anxiety in our lives that cripple our emotional abilities to function in healthy thought patterns. Paul tells us in Philippians 4:7 that the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
You have to let the peace of God guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
How does this take shape in us?


It took me a LONG time to learn this, but now that I am almost fifty years old, I’m a lot smarter.
I hope.
When you are in the midst of a crisis or consumed by worry, ask yourself this question: “Do I want to understand and control my life, or do I want the peace of God?
Here is the catch, you can’t have both. This is the fundamental decision that will determine the level of peace in your life.
I have decided I would rather know that God’s got it than to know what God’s doing in my life.

And when I reach this place, His peace consumes my fear because my control has been released to Him. And then I no longer want to know what is going to happen, I am just comforted to know that whatever happens, God’s go it! And more importantly, God’s got me! It is at that moment when His peace passes my understanding.
I would rather have God’s peace in my life than the knowledge of knowing what He is doing in my life.

My knowledge only complicates my life. His peace simplifies my life. It gives me hope, regardless of the circumstances or the eventual outcome. This enables me to return to peace quicker and live out peace in my life more effectively.
As you practice letting go of needing to understand your life, you realize, what you think about, has a lot to do with how effective you will be at living in the peace of God.


Paul tells us in Philippians 4:8 that whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and praiseworthy to think and meditate on these things in your life.
It is important that you and I practice good mental health.
It is unhealthy to focus on dishonorable, unjust, impure, unlovely, uncommendable, things that lack excellence, or are unworthy of praise. However, God wants us to practice healthy things and to think on healthy things.

So, are you practicing what you think about? Are you thinking on healthy things or do you focus on unhealthy things in your life? Do you focus on how people have wronged you, the relationships that you wish were different but can’t do anything about them, and the pain and destruction other people have caused you? Are you getting better or bitter with age? Only you know the answer to that question.

No one wants to be a negative thinking or acting person but many of us find ourselves in this rut. We feel out of control, which leads to negative feelings that then leads to negative thinking on negative things. This negative thinking eventually leads to negative acting. Once this occurs, our behavior begins to destroy the fabric of our mental health.


Negativity is not a healthy thing to focus on and it will negatively affect your walk with the Lord and even your physical and mental health over time.
Who in your life models for you good mental health? Paul encourages us in Philippians 4:9 to focus on those people in our lives. We are to put into practice the things we have learned, received, heard, and seen in them and if we do the peace of God will be with us.

If you and I want to experience the peace of Christ, we have to practice the presence of Christ we have seen lived out in other’s lives. As we do this, we have to remain positive about what God can and will do through us. He tells you in Philippians 4:13 that you can do all things through Christ. What does that mean? It means you can handle success and failure. You can handle gain and loss. You can handle good times and bad times at the same time.
Ask God for the strength to do it, He will give it to you. And sometimes that strength will come through the help of others. Paul was grateful for the help he received from the Philippians. He told them in Philippians 4:13 how kind it was for them to share in his troubles. All of us need someone to share in our troubles. It is how God made us.


One of the first things anxiety steals is your attitude of gratitude. It is easy to feel alone, overwhelmed, and defeated. It is important you remember how others are with you. Who in your life are you grateful for? Remember them, it will give you the strength you need to go on.

God will give you the strength to do what He has asked you to do or endure. He will bring just the right people in just the right time to help you shoulder what He has asked you to carry in this season. I have experienced this many times in my life over the past twenty-four years of being a pastor.
We know from Acts, God called Paul to share the Gospel in Rome. Philippians 4:22 tells us Paul was effective because he remained faithful regardless of the cost, even if that meant His life.

Paul went to Rome and spent quality time with the Lord in a jail cell. I wonder if he ever thought to himself, “so this is what my ministry influence has come to? I expected more in the later years of my life.”
What little did he know that Rome would become the vehicle by which God would use to disperse the Gospel to the entire world. As they say, “All roads lead to Rome.” And if all roads lead to Rome, then that means all roads from Rome lead to the entire world.


God used Paul in that little jail cell to send the Gospel to the household of Caesar. From there, the household of Caesar took the Gospel to the entire world. This is why you and I get to know of Jesus today.
Sometimes looks are deceiving, sometimes, our “insignificant moments” turn out to be our most significant moments in life.

Maybe you feel like Paul may have felt, maybe you feel like your ministry or the significance of your life has been narrowed to little or nothing of what you expected.
Remember this, God sees, and He hasn’t forgotten what you have done for Him.
He remembers and He is a rewarder of those who diligent seek Him.
It worked for Paul, and it can work for you too.

Can you say, “I don’t understand what God is up to in my life, but I trust Him.”
If so, the Gospel of Jesus Christ will go forth in your life in a more effective way, in spite of the anxious filled circumstances of your life, because you have chosen to live a life of peace through the power of Jesus Christ.

Blessings,
Pastor Kelly

 

[RiverOL]

Should Couples Add Kindness to Their Toolkit When Fighting?​

In an article for The Good Men Project, Sanaa Hyder, M.S.Ed., advocates that kindness is key for couples when trying to diffuse arguments, and also is also an effective tool when approaching a disagreement before a fight erupts. Referring to a cutting edge interview of Dr. Julie Gotten (Atlantic Magazine), Hyder believes that adding kindness — and mindfulness — to your toolkit will go a long way toward creating and maintaining a happy, long-lasting relationship.



While the notion of approaching your partner with kindness in the heat of the battle might be counterintuitive, the strategy is in fact a sound approach that will mitigate the fallout of an argument and foster good will throughout a relationship, whether or not a couple is arguing.
For instance, when Suzanne comes home tired from work and asks her husband Tom if they can get take-out, even though he was expecting a home cooked meal, he might say something to her such as “I’m disappointed because I was looking forward to your salmon dinner, but I understand you’re exhausted and your well-being is important to me. I love you.”

To this Suzanne replies,”You really made my day when you poured me a chilled glass of wine and let me know my happiness is more important to you than a home cooked meal. Now I can relax and enjoy a take-out dinner with you!”
Truth be told, the key to realizing the benefits of kindness is in recognizing that it is hard to do. But like so many difficult and ultimately positive things, success comes from awareness and mindfulness.

Couples function best when both parties are aware of their feelings, monitoring their emotional highs and lows, and when they maintain a certain distance from the feelings of anger, rage and hurt that fuels so many fights. Simply knowing how you feel and why you feel upset is the first step in employing kindness as a strategy to not only limit the damage that arguments can cause, but also to have a more productive, open and honest dialogue that will allow your communication skills to save you from blow ups.


When Hyder writes about “cultivating a habit of kindness” in relationships, she hits the nail on the head. Relationships are work, and like any good habit, the proof is in the pudding — or as Hyder puts it, “kindness begets kindness.”
But Hyder goes beyond just observing that the “Golden Rule” works. In fact, she prescribes a sort of checklist with three steps that will help couples practice kindness. First, Hyder says that “thinking good thoughts” will improve communication.

In other words, if you remind yourself of what you love about your partner, and even the nice things they have done for you that day, your frustration when you approach them about a problem will be softened as it is channeled through that more generous mindset. Second, Hyder makes clear the value of accepting responsibility for your emotions.

Essentially, this perspective relies on mindfulness to really pinpoint the source of your anger and frustration. Being aware of emotional baggage and underlying feelings that are not related to — but are very much informing — your current emotional state, is another tip to express yourself clearly and with the kindness your partner deserves.


Finally, Hyder says that couples should “let hope win.” She asks partners to remind themselves of the the “faith” and “commitment” that underpins their relationship, and encourages people to keep in mind that many problems are not solved overnight. In other words, this fight likely isn’t going to put the issue at hand to rest, so keeping a focus on your hopes for the future of your relationship will allow you to continue to keep kindness in mind.

In the end, Hyder is offering couples a gift: being mindful, hopeful and aware of your feelings and the root of your emotions will surely create a kinder communication between you and your spouse. And the lasting effects on your communication and relationship should be selfperpetuating — indeed, as Hyder says, “kindness begets kindness.”

 

[RiverOL]

The only “rule” I teach my kids​

Yesterday, I forgot my keys and was temporarily locked out my own house. I had my 8-year-old son with me and he really had to use the bathroom (I’ve learned that kids always have to use the bathroom at the least convenient times). I told him to just go to a neighbor’s house, but he said it was an emergency and he would just “go in the woods.” We have a small, wooded lot between our house and our neighbor’s house, so I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal for him to go behind some trees and do his business.


Apparently, he didn’t want to to walk all the way into the woods, because when I looked over my shoulder, he was standing on the sidewalk emptying his bladder. I quickly look around to see if any of my neighbors are witnessing this redneck moment. To my dismay, there were plenty of eye witnesses. I was thankful he was too young to be arrested for indecent exposure.

Our next-door neighbors are in the process of selling their house, and their realtor was standing in their driveway with a sweet young family holding a baby and checking out the neighborhood. I think we made a less-than-stellar first impression on these potential new neighbors! I actually apologized to the homeowners who are good friends of ours and said, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure we prevented a house sale for you guys. We’ll try to make a better impression next time.”

I talked to our son afterwards and said, “Buddy, you can’t pee on the sidewalk.” (This isn’t the “one rule” stay tuned…)
To me, this potty guideline is pretty self-explanatory and not really something that needs to be debated, but in his eight-year-old brain, it seemed to make perfect sense to pee on the sidewalk, so he started debating with me. Finally, I reminded him there’s only one rule he needs to live by at this point in his life and he was failing at the one rule by continuing to argue with me about this. I reminded him that his only responsibility is to follow one single rule: OBEY WITH A GOOD ATTITUDE.


Sometimes, we make the mistake of bargaining with our kids or trying to use adult reasoning with our kids instead of reminding of the standard and their responsibility to honor it even when they don’t understand it.

As our children grow through adolescence and into adulthood, our relationship and parental authority will evolve into more of a mentoring relationship and then eventually (hopefully) into a friendship in adulthood, but when our children are young, we don’t need to overcomplicate the expectations. Of course, we should explain things to them and look for teachable moments, but the bottom line is they’re not going to understand all the reasons why they have to do something, and they don’t have to understand. All they really have to do is to obey with a good attitude.

This one rule has two vital parts: Obedience and Respect. Without both parts, we’ve missed the point of parenthood. A child can obey with a bad attitude or a child can have a positive attitude while being disobedient, but either way, they’ve missed the mark. When we teach our kids to obey with a good attitude, we’re training their young hearts to develop the right habits, so that as they grow in maturity and start reasoning through more decisions on their own, they’ll be more likely to make responsible choices in adulthood.

 

[RiverOL]

It’s Never Too Late To Try Reading The Bible​

Well, I made the mistake of not spending the whole day online yesterday. Too bad I only started catching up at 9 pm, when I was too tired to even really understand what was happening. Also, Matt was actually watching this while I was trying to twitter scroll. It’s that pastor’s sermon who really—and I kid you not—decided to take on the question of what women should try to look like as a subject for a sermon.

And not being content to stop there, he went on and on and on about weight, and about trophy-wives and even Melania Trump. It’s like he had the amazing idea to gather up every single cliché in the world about women’s looks and put it all in a sermon. Or at least all those clichés that everyone jokes about but are generally too sensible to say out loud (except for Mr. Trump, obv.)


Anyway, I’m pretty sure as I was falling asleep I uttered the important hot take, “If I had to listen to that kind of preaching, I’d leave the SBC too,” and then went into a fitful slumber where I dreamt about all the thank you notes I haven’t written. When the cat woke me up definitively at 4 am I wondered if that pastor was SBC. There is no way to know anymore, I think. All the defining markers of denominations have been carefully hidden away at the back of every website.

So Beth Moore has gone from the SBC. Watching everyone hot taking each other on Twitter (and of course, Matt leapt immediately into the fray) is most entertaining. Unfortunately, I don’t have any hot takes. All I have is the unacceptable inkling that ideas have consequences.

One of the things I hate most about the past four years is that everything in the world was blamed on Mr. Trump. Like, I think it’s really strange that for generations, women were somehow so spiritually starving in their local churches that they needed extra Bible Studies done by other women—Beth Moore, of course, but also the much more watered-down Jen Hatmaker and others. And honestly, when the sermon is all about how you have to tart yourself up for your husband, I totally get it. I said this ages ago when I tried to read Rachel Held Evans’ Year of Biblical Womanhood—that straw person of all straw persons, only interesting if you had literally never read the Bible in a coherent way ever. Of course, when Mr. Trump came along, if that was your level of Biblical Literacy, you might be confused and think he was really a Christian.


Anyway, it’s fine to say that Mr. Trump is the thing that exposed the already chasm-like fault lines that exist inside “evangelicalism.” But it is also way too reductive to try to jam all the problems of the evangelical world down the throat of “white evangelicals.” There are so many forces and ideas and identities that are tearing at the rapidly fraying, perhaps even disintegrating fabric of American politics and life.

One of them might be racism. But another one is that feminism (not whatever kind we have now, that is too complicated to talk about this morning) has been aesthetically adopted by the vast majority of people, even if they think they haven’t. And that view is read back into the Bible uncritically. By the time you get to the point of, “what role should women have in the church,” the ground has eroded away and there is no way to answer that question. In that spirit, I commend all four parts of this excellent, excellent series of pieces. What I like first is that they sound Christian. And second that they dig away at the assumptions made by people who think they are being Biblically faithful, but are in fact swallowing down the whole ocean of bad reasoning.


The problem for most of us is that we can’t really go back. What should happen to women in the church (again, setting aside politics and race and the SBC and everything) has to be thought about afresh, almost as if the scripture comes to a new people group who has never heard it before. A new generation of men and women have to go crawling back to the scriptures and examine their culture as it is now, and let the Scriptures speak. That is going to be messy and difficult. But then, it already is. What other choice is there?

 

[RiverOL]

5 Purposes God Created You For​

We were created for a very specific purpose, and here are four specific purposes for which God created you.

To Glorify God​

Everything was created for a purpose…including us. The Bible is clear about one of our purposes, and that is that we are to glorify God. For example, if we get into trouble, we are told to “call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me” (Psalm 50:15). The psalmist knew that it was “Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness” (Psalm 115:1). Answered prayer gives God glory, so the Lord our God is to be praised and we should seek to glorify His name. We certainly have nothing to boast or brag about.

The Lord says, “I am the LORD; that is my name; my glory I give to no other, nor my praise to carved idols” (Isaiah 42:8). If you look at the creation, you can see for yourself that “The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork” (Psalm 19:1), so rightfully we should say, “O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens” (Psalm 8:1). The first purpose for which we were created was to give God glory and make His glory known to others, which brings us to our second purpose…we were created to make disciples for Christ.

To Make Disciples​

When Jesus gave the Great Commission, which in essence is an imperative command, He didn’t give them a second option or Plan B. He said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me” (Matt 28:18b), and since God has given Jesus all authority in heaven and on earth, He is passing this authority on to them, which is why He can say, “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit” (Matt 28:19). That doesn’t mean everyone that they share Christ with will become disciples of Christ.

They are only told to go and make disciples, but it is generally understood that God will use them as a means to make disciples (Acts 2:47), and He did. He sent them into different parts of the world to bring the gospel since they had God’s authority, but the Commission is not quite finished yet. Jesus tells them that they are to be “teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age” (Matt 28:20).

Teaching of His Glory​

You don’t have to go very far to find out what Jesus taught His disciples (Gospels), and what He taught them to observe (i.e. John 13:34-35), but it’s more than just making disciples. It’s teaching them to observe the same things we learned in the New Testament. So how does making disciples glorify God? The more there are to worship and praise God in the kingdom, the more glory He will receive. In a prophetic Scripture, the psalmist writes, “All the nations you have made shall come and worship before you, O Lord, and shall glorify your name” (Psalm86:9). In the kingdom, “they [will] sing the song of Moses, the servant of God, and the song of the Lamb” (Rev 15:3a), asking, “Who will not fear, O Lord, and glorify your name? For you alone are holy. All nations will come and worship you, for your righteous acts have been revealed” (Rev 15:4). That is one of our purposes. It is to bring as many to Christ as the Lord our God will save, knowing that He alone saves (Acts 4:12), but He is still pleased to use us as a means to save some.

Works for His Glory​

We know that we were created to glorify God, and part of that is done through disciple-making. God grants eternal life by His Spirit, and by means of someone sharing His Word. After that, they are taught the same things that Jesus taught His own disciples, and we find those teachings in the Bible. After they become His disciples, they do what He commands them to do (i.e. Matt 25:35-36). In fact, God has prepared works for them to do after they have been saved. The only question is, Will they walk in them (Eph 2:10)?

Jesus told His disciples, “If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples” (John 15:7-8). Fruit never glorifies us but it always glorifies God, because we can do nothing without Christ (John 15:5). We must remain in Him or abide or dwell in the Vine (Christ) or we will only bear wax fruit, and not genuine fruits of the Spirit, but we will also begin to bear good works as a by-product of our salvation, but even this is from the Spirit of God, therefore, all works we do give God glory. There is no good we can do in our own human strength (Isaiah 64:6).

Transformed for His Glory​

You’ve probably heard Romans 8:28 multiples times, where Paul writes, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” It doesn’t say that all things are good, or that only the good things work out for our best. It says all things, and I believe that means good and bad things, will work out for our very best. It’s just a matter of time.

At the time, it may not look or feel best, but only later will we see clearly that it was for our best…the good, the bad, and the ugly. Despite what it looks like today, we focus on the coming kingdom, because “In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory” (Eph 2:11-12). It never says we will always completely understand that purpose, but I believe we can trust His purpose, even if we don’t fully understand at the moment.

After a person is brought to repentance and faith (Rom 2:4; 2 Tim 2:24-26), they become a new creation in Christ (2 Cor 5:17), but the struggle is not over. We are told, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect” (Rom 12:2), and this transformation runs deep. It makes us desire to live a life that is pleasing to please God, and not to please self all the time.

Conclusion​

Paul says, that “whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Cor 10:31). That about covers everything, doesn’t it? God seeks glory for His name and that’s the reason He created us. “Everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made” (Isaiah 43:7), should bring Him glory. There are more than just 4 purposes that we were created for, but there are no less than these four. If you can think of another one, please leave a comment so we can share it with the readers. For example, we know that the day is coming when “The nations shall see your righteousness, and all the kings your glory, and you shall be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will give” (Isaiah 62:2)…and all of this will give God glory, and that’s just what He deserves.

 

[RiverOL]

Evil Suffering vs. Blessed Suffering​

There is a suffering that is evil. And there is also a suffering that is blessed.
So observes the Swedish novelist and Lutheran bishop Bo Giertz, whom I have been reading as part of my Lenten devotions. In the collection of his sermons, A Year of Grace, Vol. 1, translated by friend-of-this blog Bror Erickson, he preaches on Matthew 16:21-23 for the First Sunday in Lent. This is the account of Jesus telling his disciples that He soon must go to Jerusalem to suffer and die, whereupon Peter rebukes him and Jesus replies “Get behind me, Satan!”


Giertz says that “suffering in the world is something evil that shall be fought.” God’s Word makes it clear that we must work to alleviate people’s suffering. Jesus Himself cured the sick and fed the hungry. St. Paul raised an offering for the poor in Jerusalem. Christians are enjoined in Scripture to fight injustice of every kind.
“Where God’s will does not happen, there God’s creation is broken,” Giertz says. “That which should not happen, happens. And the conseuence is pain and tears, hunger and bitterness.”
But, Giertz says that “there is also a blessed suffering that brings something good with it.” Christ’s suffering is the supreme example. But sometimes our suffering is like that. We are called to suffer for others.

The thought that man shall escape suffering at any price, for himself and still more for those whom he loves, can be very similar to Peter’s thoughts: it stands in the way. It is something that hinders God’s goodwill from happening.
Therefore one should not always fear suffering, least of all suffering for being a Christian.

There is a blessed suffering at Christ’s side, for love of Him. Paul calls it suffering for Christ, Christ’s afflictions. He says that such is for the benefit of others, for comfort and help and salvation. One can really suffer in blessing in the world. Many simple people who no one notices do this–people who have understood something of Christ’s mystery and who therefore suffer rather than fight, who return good for evil, who will not accuse or litigate, who do not dish back but rather take the risk of being vilified, pushed aside, or fleeced. Men who put things right, clean up, skim over what others have done wrong, who forget a gibe and can serve those who have been their tormenters.

Giertz goes on to cite Scriptures that address the suffering and the blessing of Christians (1 Peter 4:19; 5:10-11). I would add the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5), whose ethic Giertz alludes to, in which Jesus says that those who mourn, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, those who are reviled and falsely accused on account of Him–all of which are types of suffering–are “blessed.”

That blessing does not mean that the various kinds of suffering are any less horrible to experience. But when, for example, we are in mourning for the loss of someone we love, the experience is agonizing. And yet, we don’t want it to be taken away. We might deaden our feelings with drugs, but typically we want to mourn , out of love for the person whose loss has stricken us so intensely.

The blessing, though, for these kinds of suffering is that we shall be comforted, we shall be satisfied, we shall have the kingdom of heaven. Indeed, these promises in the future tense point to the resolutions we will experience in eternity. And yet, we can, by faith, grasp onto the promise of that blessing now.

 

[RiverOL]

Is “Christian Flourishing” the Real Gospel?​

I’m over at Stand Firm this morning.
Over the past tumultuous year, I have become more and more skeptical of the idea that Christians are supposed to “flourish.” It seems a very basic assumption that many of us have, that we’re supposed to do well and be able to use our gifts in the church. When I first heard the term I thought, ‘Oh, of course.’ No one wants anyone to do badly, whatever that might mean. And when you join the question of Flourishing to that of Discipleship, which is about helping people to conform their lives to Jesus, it seems an obvious and worthy goal.


In a true and good sense, no one in a local congregation should be set back, stuck in a corner, not allowed to participate in the life of the church. Everyone should be educated, as we say in ours, and have some useful work to do, and participate in worship. Everyone has some kind of gift to use for the building up of the whole body. A little help to figure out what it is and the whole congregation of God’s faithful people feels better and happier and is able to go out into the world with the good news of the gospel.

And, it is also true that many people do find their “growth stunted” in one way or another. Life knocks them over, and they find themselves unable to participate or join in the way they would like. They want to do work, but they can’t. Overwhelmed by grief, they wander into church feeling crippled and beleaguered and can only sit there, not flourishing, just sitting, anxious and sad.

From the point of view of the local church, it is imperative that Christians “flourish.” In fact, a lot of my own week is trying to push roadblocks out of people’s way (especially for other women, and actually a lot of children now that I think about it) instead of strewing hindrances all over the place. In order to do this, I have to maintain my own disciplines of prayer and study diligently, which is not the same as “self-care,” but that is for another day. If I can’t cope, I can’t help anyone else do it. Often I fail, as it turns out, and so I don’t feel like I am flourishing, and I certainly can’t help anyone else do it either. Then it feels like everything is breaking apart and is terrible and sad.


In this way, I think that the idea of “flourishing” isn’t completely terrible. Christians are likened to branches on the Vine. They are meant to grow strong and good. The threat of being cut off and flung into the fire, though seemingly dire, perhaps even cruel, is a warning against complacency and pride. We’re supposed to “stay” on the vine, which means not wandering away. It feels like a lot of work to stay put, because it is. Even as a person is held in place by Christ, the command to stay, to abide, can be painful to obey.

But in the intersection of Self-Care as a religious exercise, and the claims made by Revoice that certain kinds of identity have to be recognized in order for people who experience attractions to the same sex to be ok…and the word that is so often used, to “flourish” …it seems to me that the whole conversation takes a dark and troubling turn.

Implied in that claim is the assumption that people who do not think that Christians should call themselves “Gay Christian” or “Gay Anglican,” and do not think the organizational suppositions in something like Revoice or Valk’s Brotherhood of the Naïve, don’t want those people to “flourish.” If I don’t want to use those terms, and don’t want people to adopt that way of thinking about themselves, it must be because I don’t want them to be ok. I don’t want them to “Fully Participate” or “Use their gifts,” or even, to use that old TEC word that is so worn out, “be included.” “We welcome everyone,” cried so many signs in front of so many small, dying Episcopal churches, so that everyone would know that they were not like those “other” kinds of Christians who don’t anyone to flourish.

 

[RiverOL]

Providing For a Family? It’s About More Than Money​

As women’s earning power has changed over the last fifty years, so have marriage dynamics – and having a great relationship means knowing how to handle the new normal. According to a 2013 Pew Research study, among married couples in 1960, just six percent of women earned more than their husbands. Today, the number is 24 percent.

To be sure, in many of those households the income differences are so small that both spouses are essentially contributing equally. But in many others, the wife either earns more by a significant margin or is the only breadwinner.

Ladies, if that is your situation, here’s a vital tip: to the degree that you earn more than he does, you have to show that much more appreciation for him as a husband, as a father, as a man and as a provider. Affirmation is important in every marriage, obviously, but it becomes urgent if you as a woman earn more. It is essential to show by your words and actions how grateful you are for what he does to take care of you and the family, even if that is not just (or not mostly) about money.
Why does this matter so much?

When I did all my research for For Women Only, I was stunned to see thousands of men say that even if their wives fully supported the family, it made no difference to their deep male compulsion to provide. Almost eight in ten men said, essentially, “I still feel like it is my job to provide for the family, and it is painful to feel like I’m not doing a good job at it – or doing it, period.”

I was also stunned to see that the men internally still felt this pain, even if the couple had decided together that it made more sense for (for example) the lawyer wife to work full time while the electrician husband cut back to a part-time schedule to be with the kids. Even though a man could logically decide that this was the best decision for now, his emotions still whispered at him: you’re a failure.

I’ve seen this very personally. When the market crashed and my husband’s business shut down, he suddenly went from years as a high-paid lawyer and entrepreneur to someone who was struggling to pay the mortgage. Then my research and books took off. Suddenly I was traveling and speaking, and it made much more financial sense for him to work as an independent attorney and not go back to a high-demand law firm, so he had the flexibility to be on call for the kids when I was away.

It made more financial sense … but it could have torpedoed our marriage.

Like any man, Jeff was wrestling with a painful sense of inadequacy. If I was a better business man, the business wouldn’t have tanked, and I would be able to take care of my family. I’m not doing my job as a husband. I’m not doing my job as a father.

I assumed he knew that I felt he was an amazing husband and father. I assumed he knew that I believed in him as a businessman. It took me a long time to realize that actually, no, that was the point: he assumed he wasn’t a good husband and father. So it made all the difference for me to look for every opportunity to say – and show – that he was.

Almost certainly, the same is true of your man. Don’t just assume he knows that you appreciate the sacrifice he’s making in staying home with the kids – tell him. Don’t just assume he knows that you think he’s a great dad – tell him how much you love the way he tells the kids silly stories. Don’t just assume he understands that you admire him – tell him how impressed you were with the way he handled that dispute at church. Don’t just assume he grasps just how much you need him. Find ways to tell him that, and multiple ways to affirm him every day. (No surprise: sending that message in the bedroom is one of the best ways to soothe his self-doubt.)

Always keep in the front of your mind that the hidden vulnerabilities of every man are exacerbated inside your man by the nagging belief he’s not providing for you. So make sure you show him all the ways that he is. Because providing and taking care of the family doesn’t just mean money.

 

[RiverOL]

The 5 (Types of) People that Influence You​

We live in a world where we are constantly bumping up against people and ideas. Humans are made for community. We thrive in social settings. The best of our work and play happens when we are together. Each of us as a high capacity to influence others. Whether we want to or not, whether we mean to or not, the way we live our life impacts the people around us.
Influence can encourage us in our identity or push us away from it. It can edify or destroy us. It confounds as often as it reveals. While we go on about the business of crashing in on one another, it is important to notice the kinds of people who influence us. After all, we, in kind, have the very same capacity to influence others.

​

The Director​

We all know this guy. He is a little bit like a dictator. This is the person who influences you by command. And the only reason you allow this influence is because they are in a position of established authority.
The Director micromanages. He orders. He is the kind of leader who sees his role as standing firmly (and solely) between his followers and utter chaos.

Sometimes The Director is good. If an accident happened, a cop might serve as a director. Many people have positions of authority exactly for these types of occurrences.
But by and large, The Director is a frustrating way to be led. It steals our autonomy and undervalues our agency. A lot of our rebellion towards authority has to do with a deep need to set boundaries based on the experiences we have with Directive Leadership. Conversely, a lot of our unhealthy co-dependent hero-worship comes from the same source.

The Trader​

A broker of sorts, the trader offers you either punishment or reward for your behavior. The master of transaction. We are influenced by people who are able to give us things we want – a salary, sex, etc. We are equally influenced by those who can take things away from us, withhold reward, or punish us.
Our behaviors are most often driven by the outcomes we foresee. The trader makes threats or promises in order to influence how you feel, think, and behave. We do this with children, promising toys for a moment of quiet or a spanking for another outburst.

The Master​

Throughout history, most learning happened through the system of master and apprentice. We are influenced by those who have a higher amount of experience than us.



The Master isn’t just a teacher. He is a participant. The Master jumps in the trenches to show you how it is done. We are influenced not only by the hearing of information but by the witnessing of expertise.



Humans are biologically wired to be apprentices. We are babies, learning everything from language to bathroom procedure to communication style from those around us. We are a participative culture and it makes sense that we would look to those who have been participating in our culture longest as standard bearers for how to operate in the world.

The Delegator​

The fourth type of person who influences our way of life is The Delegator. This person looks a bit like the Director except that The Delegator assigns us authority but not responsibility. The trending word for this is empowerment. A delegator honors our autonomy and values our ability to self-govern, trusting that we can accomplish what needs to be done.

Mentors are often good delegators. We have life coaches and psychologists and a host of other types of people who serve as delegators. They give sage wisdom and direction and then allow/ask us to figure the how out for ourselves. We lean on pastors as delegators.

The reason these people have influence over us is because we feel like we just need a little help. Just a road sign or a lighthouse. Something to let me know I’m on the right (or wrong) path. We need a vision. And in lieu of fully understanding our own vision, we will adopt one from others. This can be helpful for a time but is unsustainable in the end.



We are influenced by delegators because we are desperate for meaning and purpose. We are hungry for direction. We’ll take the advice of a good friend, the suggestion of a direct report. Using our discernment for trust, we will take some heavy hints from The Delegators of our choosing.

The Icon​

The last person to influence us uses the most powerful and effective form of influence in our lives.

The Icon is the person living life the way you want to. We are most inspired, most transformed, most influenced by the example of transformational living that we witness in other human beings. When we talk about wanting to be like our heroic fathers or mothers, strive to emulate spiritual or business gurus, and follow the lead of wise friends and coworkers, we are talking about the influence of icons.

The slippery slope of hero-worship tempts us to turn icons into idols. True icons do not elicit our worship, just our admiration. It stirs the best version of ourselves out of slumber and into the light of day. We do not want to become an exact replica of the icon, we want to match the sense of beauty, peace, or authenticity we see emanating from it. Icons rust and show imperfections while idols maintain a manipulated perfection. If we are hypnotized by a person, we are not being influenced by them but controlled.



An icon’s influence is the most effective method for change in our lives. But, we must be careful as it is the beautiful effectiveness of the icon that makes idolatry so seductive and tempting.

The Icon makes us more self-aware, awakens the longings deep within us to be the best person we can be. The Icon inspires our deep desire to be an icon ourselves. Leaders inspire us to lead. Influencers inspire us to influence.

 

[RiverOL]

5 Lessons Your Kids Learn Every Time You and Your Spouse DISAGREE​

A few months ago, a friend of mine was telling me about her experience as a child whose parents divorced when she was a young girl. She told me that she grew up in a home where everything was completely peaceful and seemingly perfect…ALL THE TIME…from her perspective. She had never seen her parents argue.
Not once.

Her mom and dad would embrace often, smile at each other, and even hold hands. They seemed happy and in love. And, then one day, when she was ten years old, they sat her down and said they didn’t love each other anymore and hadn’t for a long time. They told her they couldn’t stay married, and her dad moved out the next day.

My friend was completely blindsided, confused, and heartbroken.

So, what can we learn from this? For starters, disagreements are NOT a BAD thing for our kids to witness–when we handle them in a healthy way. Here are 5 things that we teach our kids every time they see us disagree…

1. We show our kids an authentic marriage.

My friend had NEVER seen her parents disagree about ANYTHING, and then all of a sudden, they were divorced one day. How confusing! She realized that she had witnessed a “Stepford Wife” marriage…a “house of cards” romance…an inauthentic partnership.
She never witnessed her parents discussing real issues or concerns. Her mom and dad had evidently been building up resentment towards each other for years while disagreements were being dodged, issues were kept inside, and true intimacy was quickly becoming something of the distant past.

My friend said it took her a long time to cope with her parents’ divorce and an even longer time trying to figure out how to effectively communicate, especially during disagreements in her own marriage.

All to often, we pause our spousal communication…especially our disagreements…”because of the kids”. We use our kids as an excuse to stop our line of communication. But, the truth is there are times that we simply don’t want to hash out an issue with our spouse, so we say we can’t discuss something “because the kids are in the house” and “they might know we are mad at each other”. And, we do more harm than good not only to our marriage, but also to our children.

What we fail to realize is that our kids need to understand that married couples argue sometimes. We get mad at each other. We disagree. If we don’t ever let our kids see us working through disagreements, then they form unrealistic expectations of how a healthy marriage is supposed to work.

2. We teach our kids how to work through real issues/diagreements in a relationship.

One of the greatest indicators of whether or not a marriage will last is a couple’s abilities to consistently and persistently work through their issues. And, this is also a great lesson for our kids to witness and learn.

Our kids need to see us work through our issues in a healthy way…NO berating each other, using foul language, tossing blame back and forth, name-calling, yelling, or any physical aggression. We must approach each other with respect. We need to be slow to speak and quick to listen.

Reader, let me be clear…NASTY ARGUMENTS WITH THE BEHAVIOR DESCRIBED IN THE LIST ABOVE ARE EXTREMELY DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR CHILDREN.

There is NO scenario where that kind of behavior is okay, whether children are present or not.

If we find ourselves in a nasty argument in front of our kids, we must apologize to both our spouse and our kids for the behavior and quickly seek help from a professional marriage counselor on how to effectively resolve conflict in your marriage. You can learn the skills necessary to argue in a more respectful and healthy manner, and your marriage and kids will greatly benefit.

3. We demonstrate how to seek and offer forgiveness in marriage.

Sometimes, we are going to blow it. We might lose our temper and raise our voice. It happens. The best way we can turn that negative situation around is by quickly recognizing the error of our ways and seeking forgiveness.

One of the best lessons our kids can learn from us is how to seek forgiveness and how to offer forgiveness. The Bible tells us to seek and offer forgiveness quickly, and we have a golden opportunity to demonstrate this for our kids by how we treat our spouse when we are having an argument or disagreement.

I want my kids to know that even when I am upset with Dave, I love him. There must be love at the baseline of an argument. How can our kids understand this, if we never show them the process?

They must see us work through a disagreement from time to time, so they can fully understand how married couples navigate conflict resolution and forgiveness. For more on how to do argue effectively, be sure to read, “4 BIG Do’s and Don’ts when Arguing with your Spouse”, by clicking here.

4. We give our kids a healthy glimpse into how to appropriately and respectively handle conflict.
As parents, we sometimes have disagreements that deal with issues that are too mature in nature for our kids to hear. We must be mindful of this and save those discussions for when we have privacy. We should NEVER discuss our marital problems with our kids. This is something that we need to work through with our spouse and possibly with a marriage counselor, if needed.

Our kids do not need to bear the burden or worry about grown up issues. So, if you and your spouse find yourselves in a heated disagreement or discussing something that is too mature for your kids, it is wise to save these conversations for a time (in the near future) when the kids are not present.

Conflict is part of life…especially when you and your spouse are in the trenches of raising kids. Our kids need to experience us working through our own issues through healthy discussion, lots of humility, mutual respect, and of course, forgiveness.

5. We demonstrate our unwavering commitment to our spouse and marriage.
When we work through our disagreements, we show our kids that we are committed to our marriage through thick and thin. This brings a deep level of security and peace to our kids. Sometimes, they may ask us why we are disagreeing, and this is a great opportunity for us to reassure our kids that we are simply working through conflict because we love each other and want to have the best marriage and family that we can.

 

[RiverOL]

This Common Myth Can Stop You From Fixing Your Marriage​

Did your marriage get off to a rocky start?
Mind did.
So why do I share how to build a closer, more intimate relationship with your husband if my marriage started off so bad?
Because I learned one of the most common beliefs about fixing a marriage is a myth.


It takes two people to fix a marriage is a myth. It’s simply not true.
Regardless of how my marriage started, somewhere along the way, I realized I could do something to change it. And I could change it without any help from him.
Maybe your marriage started with a bang and went downhill at some point after that.

You started having financial problems or you started struggling as the kids came along. Or there was a job loss or maybe you just never had a good role model.
Was your mom was like my mom and she seemed to wear the pants in the family? Or maybe you watched as your dad ran over your mom and you vowed never to be like that.

Has trust been broken or you feel he just doesn’t deserve your respect?
After years of arguing, counseling and reading self-help books, I was ready for the big ‘D.’ Divorce.
But here I am almost 34 years later still married to the same great guy. (He was a great guy then, too.) And I have a great marriage, but I still have a lot to learn.
For years, I didn’t have the right motives or resources. And I believed the myth “it takes two” to fix a marriage.

Two people are rarely ready at the same time​

“It takes two” was in the tool chest of advice I got from talk show hosts, counselors, people who were divorced or people who had lousy marriages.
People told me over and over again, I needed his help to improve our marriage.
Rarely are two people ready for change at the same time.

So what if your case is like mine? You’re ready for change but your husband isn’t?
He endured the long discussions about the relationship, but nothing ever changed. He listened to my whining, nagging and complaining while growing more distant and becoming less interested in me.
Should you wait until he’s ready to change?
If you do, you may continue fighting about the same things, and you’ll stay stuck in the same patterns.

You’ll become more and more disconnected and less and less happy.
It only takes one person to destroy a marriage, and it only takes one person to fix it, too.
It takes one person who’s willing to make some changes. One person who’s willing to be vulnerable.
When you change the way you treat him, chances are he’ll change the way he responds to you.
You alone can learn skills which will change the way you view your husband and change your marriage.

To combat the myth of it takes two:

1. Make your marriage your top priority
2. Remember why you married him
3. Put the focus squarely on you
4. Look for things to be thankful for
5. Learn how to express what you desire
6. Learn to communicate so he feels respected

You have the potential to create change in your marriage.
You can change your actions and behaviors.
There are no guarantees.* But when you take the initiative and begin changing the way you treat him, chances are he’ll change the way he responds to you.

 

[RiverOL]

What Is Wisdom? A Biblical Definition of Wisdom​

The Bible teaches us that wisdom comes from above but it begins with the fear of the Lord, so here is the biblical definition of wisdom in the hopes that you might gain it.

True Wisdom​

When I was young, I thought I knew so much more than the rest of the world, and certainly my parents and grandparents, but I found out that the wisdom of mankind is foolishness to God, but a godly wisdom is above all wisdom of this world. The Lord’s Word plainly tells us that “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction” (Prov 1:7). There is a starting point in finding godly wisdom, and it’s the fear of the Lord.

For the Christ follower, it isn’t a fear of being struck dead or the fear of hell, but a reverential holy fear, respect, and having a high regard for God and His Word. Where there is a deep reverence for God and His Word, you’ll find wisdom, but if you still lack wisdom after all this, then do what James tells us: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him” (James 1:5). The fact that I asked for godly wisdom when faced with some very difficult decisions resulted in most of them working out well for me. I can’t imagine what would’ve been different if I had not asked!

Godly Wisdom​

The Bible shows what I have learned from experience, and that is “Wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days. “With God are wisdom and might; he has counsel and understanding” (Job 12:12-13). For me, wisdom came from making some very foolish decisions, however, the more mistakes I made, the more I learned. In my Christian life, I didn’t understand that godly “wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere” (James 3:17).

I was still seeking the wisdom of this world and godly wisdom, but worldly wisdom “is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic” (James 3:15). Godly wisdom seems foolish to the world, when in reality, the wisdom of man is foolishness to God. The Apostle Paul put it perfectly, writing that “the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men” (1 Cor 1:25), so “Blessed is the one who finds wisdom, and the one who gets understanding, for the gain from her is better than gain from silver and her profit better than gold” (Prov 3:13-14).

Wise Behavior​

Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:15-17 to “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is,” since “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice” (Prov 12:15). Even being a senior pastor, I need correction, and I get it…from my mentor. He’s a disabled pastor who is now retired, but this man has a lot of experience, and the wisdom to go with it. He recommends that we “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future” (Prov 19:20).

One example is, he knows when to speak, what to speak, or when not to speak at all. Sometimes it’s better to say nothing than to say something you’ll regret, as “Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent” (Prov 17:27-28). I would rather be silent on some things than speak and reveal my ignorance publically. When two machinists were talking before Bible study, I could only understand parts of what they were saying, so for me to try and speak to them intelligently about their work would be like a seven year old trying to tell them how to do their job. I knew when to speak…and when to listen, and I’ve discovered that I only learn things when I’m listening, not when I’m talking.

Conclusion​

There is great wisdom in keeping God’s law. Of course, striving to obey God or keeping the law won’t save us, and we can’t keep the law perfectly anyway, but just as I occasionally drift over 65 mph on the interstate, I generally do not speed. I like to obey the speed limit. The consequences of breaking it are just not worth it. Besides, none but Christ could ever keep the law with perfection. He the perfection we need to stand before God. The Apostle Paul writes that it was “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God” (2 Cor 5:21).

Even though we are declared righteous before God in Christ, we should still live in obedience to God’s commands. I don’t mean perfection, because that’s not possible for us this side of the veil, but we should “Keep them and do them, for that will be your wisdom and your understanding in the sight of the peoples, who, when they hear all these statutes, will say, ‘Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people” (Deut 4:6). I hope that you’ll share these with someone who is also seeking to find the wisdom of God so that they can understand what it is, and how to receive it, so seek the wisdom of God which comes from above to the children of God and for the glory of God. Truly, the wisest decision you’ll ever make is to put your trust in Christ.

To reject Christ is the most foolish thing a person could ever do because it is their only way to the Father (John 6:44). There is absolutely no other way at all (Acts 4:12). He is “the” truth, “the” life, and “the way,” not one of many ways. There is only one way across the Royal Gorge. That sound narrow-minded to you, but at least it is a way, and a way is certainly better than no way.

 

[RiverOL]

Ten things a Marriage MUST HAVE to Survive​

The human body can survive only weeks without food, days without water and minutes without air. We need certain things to stay alive. In a similar way, a marriage needs certain things to stay alive. They’re not always as concrete as food, water and oxygen, but their importance to the health and survival of a marriage is just as vital.
Below are ten essential ingredients that EVERY marriage needs regularly. If any of these is missing from your marriage, please take immediate action to add it. For additional ways to quickly bring some healthy new habits and renewed passion to your marriage, check out our new book, “7 Days to a Stronger Marriage” (Husbands Edition & Wives Edition) which outline the process for a 7-Day Marriage Challenge could dramatically improve your marriage in just one week.
Here are the ten things no marriage can live without (in no particular order)…

1. True Partnership
I’m not using the word “partnership” to mean that you should split everything 50/50, because marriage is not splitting everything down the middle (that’s actually divorce). Marriage is 100/100. It’s both people giving all they’ve got for the sake of the other and for the sake of their shared dreams. Partnership means never allowing your spouse to face any obstacle without your full presence, encouragement and support. It means having each other’s backs!

#2 should happen all the time, but sadly, it’s missing from so many marriages...

2. Kindness. (Don’t give your best to others and your leftovers to your spouse.)

Kindness is one of the most important (though also under-rated) ingredients for a successful marriage. If you bring more kindness to the marriage, the relationship will improve. So many people show kindness and thoughtfulness to strangers and co-workers throughout the day and then get home and rudely give their leftovers to their spouse. Give your spouse your BEST; not your leftovers!

It’s nearly impossible to make a marriage work without #3…

3. Sex. (Frequency is more important than you might have realized.)

Couples who consistently make love tend to be happier and healthier than those who don’t. I understand that there can be myriad factors why a couple’s sex life isn’t where they want it to be and some of those issues (hormonal imbalances, exhaustion, medical limitations, etc.) seem out of the control of both spouses. Still, when you make sex a priority, your marriage will always benefit. There are some great tools to help spice things up in your marriage in our new 7-Day Marriage Challenge.

The more #4 happens, the more you and your spouse will grow closer together…

4. Communication. (Talk about EVERYTHING.)
Communication does for a marriage what breathing does for your lungs. Your marriage won’t survive without it. Communication means more than making small talk about the details of what has be be checked off the family’s to-do list. Communication means putting down the electronics and other distractions and focusing on each other. It means actively listening to one another. Make time to do this every day. We have some great communication tools, engaging activities and conversation starters at 7DayMarriageChallenge.com.

When #5 is present, the marriage often, the marriage is usually strong. When it’s absent, the marriage is usually in trouble…

5. Laughter. (The healthiest couples laugh a lot…even in difficult seasons.)

Healthy marriages should have a lot more “comedy” than “drama.” Even in the difficult seasons, always find times to laugh together. Sure, there will be moments when you’re crying together too, but laughter and joy should permeate your relationship through all life’s highs and lows. Laughter can also improve overall health and even your sex-drive, so there are all kinds of reasons to giggle together.

#6 has been the cornerstone of my own marriage…

6. Faith. (The More you love God, the more capacity you will have to love each other.)

My wife Ashley don’t have a “perfect” marriage (I don’t think there’s such a thing), but we do have a GREAT marriage. We’ve made our share of mistakes along the way, but I believe the best decision we made for our relationship was to build it on a foundation of faith. For us, this has meant praying with each other and for each other, using the Bible as our roadmap for life and being an active part of a healthy church. The Bible says, “God is love.” (1 John 4:8), and I’m convinced that the more you invite Him into your marriage, the more love He will bring to your marriage.

#7 is a huge factor in every couple who has had a lifelong, happy marriage…

7. Friendship. (The strongest marriages are between two best friends.)

The strongest marriages are between two best friends. Through all the seasons of your marriage, many aspects of your relationship will change, but your friendship with each other can be a steady anchor keeping you strong through all life’s challenges. Invest into your friendship with your spouse and you’ll be on your way to building a marriage that will survive (and thrive) for a lifetime!

#8 is the foundation of every healthy relationship…

8. Trust. (Trust is the foundation of intimacy. Without trust, there can be no real intimacy.)

A marriage can’t survive without trust. It’s that simple. Work hard to build it and work hard to keep it! The strength of your trust in each other will determine the strength of your marriage. If trust has been damaged in your relationship, here are the 9 steps to rebuilding trust.

#9 is vital if you want to truly know each other on all levels...

9. Transparency. (Transparency builds and sustains trust. The strongest couples have a “secret-free guarantee” in their marriage.)

Transparency is basically just another word for “honesty,” but I love the picture that the word “transparency” paints because it’s also another work for “nakedness.” A marriage needs nakedness and not just physical nakedness. You need to be emotionally naked with your spouse. In practical terms, this means having no secrets. You can’t hide anything (your money, your motives, your actions, etc.) from your spouse. The level of your honesty and transparency will ultimately determine the level of your intimacy.

#10 is probably the MOST important one on the list…







10. Commitment.
Marriages don’t fail due to a lack of compatibility. For the most part, marriages fail due to a lack of commitment. The couples who make it are not the ones who never had a reason to get divorced. They’re the ones whose commitment to each other was always bigger than their reasons to separate.
If you’re marriage is struggling right now and you’re considering separation, please don’t lose hope. Watch these 3 (FREE) short videos that might help save your marriage. Get professional counseling and do anything else in your power to save the marriage. Getting through this struggle can make your marriage even stronger on the other side.

 

[RiverOL]

There are 6 Things Good Dads Do. Here’s the first one…​

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Number 1 – Good Dads Know the Power of Affirmation​

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Several years ago, I was preparing to speak about fatherhood at a men’s prayer breakfast and I wasn’t quite sure what to say. I needed a fresh word from God. So, I started thumbing through my Bible and came across Matthew 3:13-17 through 4:1. Check out what it said below:


Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to John, to be baptized by him. John would have prevented him, saying, “I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?” But Jesus answered him, “Let it be so now, for thus it is fitting for us to fulfill all righteousness.” Then he consented. And when Jesus was baptized, immediately he went up from the water, and behold, the heavens were opened to him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and coming to rest on him, and behold, a voice from heaven said, “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.” Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.

Having been a Christian for a long time and I had read this passage many times, but now it struck me anew. As I considered what was happening here, God gave me this notion of “affirmation before temptation.” You see, here was Jesus – fully God and fully man – but God the Father knew that in Jesus’s humanity, it was important that he received his Father’s affirmation.

The timing of this affirmation was significant. First, Jesus was about to set out into the world on the mission for which he came to earth. The words of the affirmation confirmed Jesus’ identity, purpose, and destiny. Second, Jesus was about to enter a time of tremendous temptation. Matthew 4:2-11 tells the story of how Satan tried to tempt Jesus in three ways: “lust of the flesh” or the desire to enjoy, “lust of the eye” or the desire to obtain, “the pride of life” or the desire to accomplish. And, as we know, Jesus faced all of these temptations and did not sin.


Note this: everything that Satan tried to use as temptations were imitations of the real thing and were things that Jesus already possessed and were under his dominion. He had true “enjoyment” through his relationship with God the Father. He had “obtained” all that there was through his relationship with God the Father. He was sure to “accomplish” the most important task of all creation when He died on the cross and took the sins of all humanity onto his shoulders. You see, Jesus had a divine clarity when he faced Satan’s temptation. The Father had affirmed him, so he knew who he was and whose he was. Once you know the real thing, no imitation will do.

So, in this passage about baptism and temptation, God the Father has modeled one of the key actions that every earthly father should emulate. That is, he must affirm his children. Why? Because one thing that we know for sure is the tempter will come—in one form or another. You may recall that I believe a child has a “hole in his soul” in the shape of his or her dad. Well, this is the exact place where a father’s affirmation is supposed to go. If a father is unable or unwilling to affirm his child and fill this void, Satan is sure to try and fill it with imitations of God’s goodness, just like he tried to do with Jesus.


Now, consider for a moment how a father’s failure to affirm his children manifests itself in our world. Our news headlines are filled with stories about adults and children who have caused tremendous harm to themselves and others because they never heard their fathers say, “This is my son (or this is my daughter), whom I love; I am well pleased.” No doubt, every pimp, drug dealer, gang leader, and those who would encourage our kids to sell their bodies and forfeit their souls know how to tap into the void left by absent fathers. Remember, DC sniper Lee Malvo’s words, “He [Muhammand] knew exactly what motivated me, what I longed for, what was lacking…I couldn’t say “no.”

But when our kids are affirmed, they know who they are and whose they are; then, like Jesus, they won’t settle for anything less than the real thing. And, like Jesus, they will be able to say “no” to the temptations of the Evil One, and “yes” to the will of God.
Some years ago, a good college buddy of mine passed away unexpectantly, leaving behind a twelve-year-old son. In the weeks and months after my friend’s funeral, I spent a lot of time talking to this young boy about his father. Indeed, he clearly missed his dad a great deal.

As I listened to him share his heart, I could not help but wonder about what lay ahead for him. He was about to enter the tumultuous teen years, a time when the guiding hand of a good father was especially needed. Although I could never replace his dad, I was committed to doing what I could to help this young man navigate successfully through this important time. Nonetheless, I must admit that I was a bit worried. However, as we were ending one of our many conversations, he said something that gave me confidence that everything was going to be just fine.

He said, “My father was a hero to me. The look of approval on his face was better than any trophy that I could ever receive.” You see, in the years before my friend’s death, he had invested mightily in his young son’s life to make sure his son knew who he was and whose he was. That’s the power of affirmation before temptation. That’s the power and influence of a good dad.

 

[RiverOL]

Why Are You Trading One Set of Problems For Another?​

Every one of us has at least one problem at the forefront of our minds. We believe solving this problem will free us from negativity and open up a world of possibilities. The salvation of this circumstance will set us free. Unfortunately, this is almost never the case. What ends up happening is we trade one set of problems for another.
The idiom ‘the grass is greener on the other side’ is perhaps the most prevailent lie in our culture. Our essential belief is in the power of our circumstances. And, therefore, when life feels negative, it seems as if a trade in circumstances is just what we need.



The two circumstances we put our hopes in most often are money and relationship status. But there are others. Many others.

A Lateral Trade​

The idea of being released from our current circumstance is enticing. If we could trade away our struggles for a better set of circumstances, how could life be anything but better?
A few weeks ago, our remote control went haywire. It randomly clicked buttons we hadn’t pressed. The channel would change randomly. The TV would turn off and we couldn’t get it back on. It was a thorn in my side. The remote was broken and it was making me more and more angry as the days went on.

Finally, fed up, I ordered a new remote online. It arrived and worked like a charm. I let out a big sigh of relief and waved my TV-watching-stresses goodbye. But then, a week into having the new remote, it started to malfunction. The remote flashes off randomly and we can’t get it back on. Now we can’t get the channels to change or the TV to turn off when we want to.
I’ve traded one problematic remote for another. One set of problems has replaced the vacuum left by the previous.

Our limited imaginations, mired by the specific annoyances we are facing, looks to the future and can see the hope of our current annoyance rectified. What we can’t imagine is the new problems that might arise in its stead.
One of the reasons we feel stuck in a hamster wheel is because we are making lateral trades. We trade to remove our annoying circumstance without properly understanding the potential annoyance of future circumstance. We are so impatient we just want out of where we are now without a healthy perspective of what awaits.

The Real Problem​

The naked truth is this: the problem is not with our circumstances but with our perceptions. We make gods of our seasons, possessions (both ours and others), and relationships (both real and potential). A new relationship can’t save us, neither can a new job. A new diet or new hairdo or new car won’t eliminate our problems. We are obsessed with lateral trades, getting no more than we give.

What really needs an overhaul is the way we view our self and the world around us. When I traded the imperfections of one TV remote for another, I realized just how much power I was giving TV remotes in my life. The solution was not right in front of me, but right within me. I decided to laugh off the remote and be more at ease.
Some circumstances are not so easy to get over. But the fact remains that the solution to our turmoil is not an absence of the circumstance but a healthy perspective towards it. We set ourselves up for a renewed cycle of frustration and disappointment when we rely on our relationships and circumstances to fulfill us.

The Real Solution​

The solution is simple. We need to decide what it is that truly brings us joy. What truly makes us come alive?
We can make choices that move us toward the person we most want to be. Circumstances and relationships are the arenas in which our identities play out. They shape, mold, and inform our choices. But a change in arena does not negate the need for us to own those choices. Each arena is going to have its imperfections. Every circumstance is going to come with hardship. We cannot find peace in arena-hopping, fleeing the difficulty of one circumstance for the false hope of salvation in another. We will find peace only when we face the circumstances with courage and make our decisions in the face of them.

 

[RiverOL]

Stop Hooking Up In Your Marriage​

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Stop Hooking Up In Your Marriage​

I just read a book by Dr. Lisa Wade called American Hookup which describes the sexual culture on college campuses. Sexual activity has been so severed from relationship that kids “hooking up” are discouraged from even talking to the person they just had sex with. One of the foundational truths about sex is that God designed it to be intertwined with spiritual and relational significance. Satan, God’s enemy, works to undo the spiritual and relational connections of sexuality, convincing us that having sex can be an act as morally neutral as what we chose to have for breakfast.


While the hookup culture is an extreme example of this division of the sexual, spiritual and relational, we have all been impacted by the cultural trend to view sex as separate from our personhood. This occurs even within marriage. You can be sexually active without being sexually intimate.
I believe this is far more common in marriage than we realize and can happen for a variety of reasons. Maybe while sharing their bodies, a husband and wife nurture separate fantasies to become aroused.

This is oneness in body, but not in heart, mind and spirit. Or perhaps the wife has experienced sexual trauma and has learned to get through sex by disassociating. Her body is there, but not much else. Couples can also have sex without being intimate because of unresolved conflict or simply because they perpetually lack the energy to work on intimacy.
I’ve met with couples who have been married for decades and have never experienced sexual intimacy. They have had sex hundreds of times, but always with invisible barriers that keep them from oneness in mind, soul and spirit. A woman will complain that she feels like a “sex object” and a man will feel like something is missing in his marriage.


God created sexual intimacy to be more than a sensual experience. It is a journey that, when taken together, can forge your hearts in a way that nothing else can. At Authentic Intimacy, our desire is to encourage you on that journey; to help you to fully integrate who you are as a relational and spiritual woman with your sexuality.
If you can relate to the sense that you and your husband don’t experience sexual intimacy, here are three things you can do to grow as a couple:

1. Pray about your sex life. Most Christian couples pray and they have sex, but it never occurs to them to pray about sex. It’s as if God can help us with everything except sex. This plays right into Satan’s lie that sexuality and spirituality are two separate categories. God cares deeply about your sexual relationship and is glorified when you and your husband pray together about it. Pray regularly that God would bless your sexual intimacy, that He would help you to experience true intimacy as you share your bodies and that He would guard your sexual relationship from temptations. After sex, thank Him for the gift of sexual intimacy and for the ways He is helping you and your husband to love each other through it.


2. Share your sexual struggles. The most intimate couples are those who have been in the trenches together. They have built trust to share the most vulnerable of their thoughts and struggles. I think of Justin and Salome who sought healing together for Salome’s history of sexual trauma. Justin didn’t think of it as “his wife’s problem” but as their challenge as a couple. Together, they learned how to identify triggers and how to make their sexual relationship a safe place. Or Lynn and John. In the early years of their marriage, John hid his sexual temptation from his wife.

Eventually, Lynn discovered porn on his computer and confronted him with anger and tears of betrayal. What could have torn this couple apart became a journey of intimacy, including confession, forgiveness, accountability and creating a pattern of honesty about weakness and temptation. Every barrier you face in your sexuality is an opportunity to build true intimacy, rather than hiding from your spouse.

3. Save your best for sex. After a full day of work, parenting, and daily life, you’re exhausted. You fall into bed, so excited to sleep only to find that your husband is excited about something else. Inwardly you groan, “Really? Sex is the last thing on my mind.” What do you do at this crossroads? Tell him what you’re really thinking or let him have the “leftovers”? While this kind of sexual encounter is bound to be part of sex in marriage, it shouldn’t be too frequent.

Having sex doesn’t take a ton of energy, but sexual intimacy requires that you be fully present. This is one of the negatives of those who encourage women to always say yes when a husband asks for sex. You begin to establish a habit sex around a sexual release rather than a sexual relationship. Over twenty years of marriage, I’ve learned that it’s better to say “yes” to building intimacy, which may mean saying “no” in the moment. To build sexual intimacy, you have to give the best of your time to each other, not just the leftovers.


As I look in the mirror, I don’t exactly love getting older. But one great thing about accumulating years is a growing confidence in God’s truth. It makes me so angry to see how Satan’s destruction of sexuality is being embraced as “normal” in our world. God created you to experience your sexuality as fully integrated with your spiritual and relational longings. Resist the hookup culture, even within your marriage.

 

[RiverOL]

The Apostle Paul and Measuring Up in Ministry​

The contemporary ministry scene is both loaded with promise and fraught with peril. We have so many resources in conferences, books, websites, social media, and podcasts. While all of these provide us with so much upon which to draw as we consider our ministries, they also create a situation in which we are measured (and measure ourselves) against high-powered and slickly-produced performances of preaching and ministry.

Idealizing High Profile Pastors​

Ministers may fear that they’ll appear inadequate. After all, the people we serve have the same access to the compelling preacher with a YouTube channel. The exposure to so many resources may cause us anxiety that we will inevitably disappoint our people. We know our failings and we’re so plain and unimpressive.

My friend Peter is a pastor in a small but thriving town nearby and he’s been at his current church for about fifteen years. He told me recently that someone came to talk with him about some of his complaints and disappointments with the church. As they talked, this person spoke excitedly about the sermons of a young and energetic pastor of a church in the middle of the state who has been promoted by a huge ministry network. The organization’s website features interviews of him alongside other internationally known figures, and he’s published several books. Peter patiently listened to all the wonderful things that were going on at this young preacher’s church and his congregant expressed disappointment that Peter’s church didn’t have the same energy and excitement.

Was Paul aware of these kinds of ministry challenges? Did he know about social media? Did he feel the pressure of competition with high-profile leaders with impressive reputations?

Indeed, Paul knew about all of this.

The Ministry Dangers of Social Media​

In his letter to the Galatians, Paul acknowledges that some rival teachers had come to Galatia and were touting their connections to the really well-known apostles and well-established church leaders in Jerusalem. He makes reference to “those who seem to be something” and “those who seem to be pillars” in Gal 2:6, 9. In doing so, he challenges the Galatians’ sense of fascination with these recent arrivals that talked up their connections to high-profile leaders who were a really big deal. They were in awe when they shouldn’t have been.

It’s easy to be taken in by the illusion that we can know anyone from a distance. Rather than trumpeting his credentials, Paul talked about his weakness, emphasizing that the Galatians had seen him at his worst and most vulnerable. The only reason he had the opportunity to preach the gospel to them in the first place is that he had to crash in one of the Galatian towns after sustaining some horrible injuries during one of his missions. He reminds them of his dreadful condition during his original visit:

You know that it was because of a physical infirmity that I first announced the gospel to you; though my condition put you to the test, you did not scorn or despise me, but welcomed me as an angel of God, as Christ Jesus (Gal 4:13-14, NRSV).

Paul knew well the deceptive dynamics that are in play when we are known at a distance, or by constructing images through social media. He related to his audiences through the social medium of letter-writing, and he is wary of the temptations to make more of himself than is really true. He writes in 2 Corinthians 12:5-6 about his hesitance to boast about anything “except of my weaknesses.” If he were to talk about his impressive ministry experiences, he would be speaking the truth, “ut I refrain from it, so that no one may think better of me than what is seen in me or heard from me” (v. 6).

Paul resisted the central temptation that social media offers all of us, including (or, perhaps, especially!) those in ministry. Paul didn’t want to create the impression in his audiences that he was more spiritual or more impressive than he was. He resisted the desire to construct a slick public image that didn’t match reality.

Cultivating Ministry Authenticity​

On the contrary, he constantly cultivated authenticity, speaking of his struggles and his weaknesses. And he did so because his ultimate aim in ministry was to embody the cross, for that is the only way to minister by drawing on God’s resurrection power. To an audience that loved impressive speech and spectacle, Paul articulated his cruciform (in the form of the cross) ministry approach:

And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power (1 Cor 2:1-5, NIV).

Not only is a cruciform ministry the only way to produce the fruit of faith in a crucified Christ, but ministry in the shape of the cross is the only way to unleash the power of the resurrection life of Jesus. “We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body” (2 Cor 4:10, NIV).

Back to my friend, Peter. I think his response was very wise. He told the person to go to that church, and that he harbored no ill will and could completely understand that perhaps that was the right move. Interestingly enough, a few months later, the man and his family returned. He explained that after a while, the superstar pastor’s church was every bit as plain and unimpressive as any other church. No minister or church can live up to the hype or match the image they create online. When we know people from a distance, we don’t really know them. And in the end, none of us is spectacular.

We draw upon God’s resurrection power and life-giving presence when our ministries take the shape of the cross. That reality comes about through fostering community practices of authenticity, service, and self-giving love, while resisting the deceptive draw of cultivating an impressive and powerful image.

 

[RiverOL]

Ted had a bit of an attitude. He resented every time anyone asked him to do something for them. Why didn’t anyone do something for him? Why did others get to relax and play archery while he had to polish silver?

He hadn’t always had an attitude. There’d been a day when he’d been super excited to serve the King in his palace. What had happened to his joy?

“Hey, Ted, how’s it going?” Ted’s friend Zach asked. Ted unloaded his frustration into his friend’s listening ear. “I just want to relax and have fun, and I can’t,” Ted finished.

To Ted’s surprise, Zach actually laughed.

“Do you mind telling me what’s so funny?” Ted asked.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t laugh, but Ted, you’re a servant. Why are you acting as if everyone and everything else should be serving you?”

Zach’s words hit home. He had been living like everything should serve him, instead of relishing in the joy of serving the Great King. Had he forgotten that even the Great King had lived as a servant, putting everyone else’s needs before his own and serving them?

“You’re right,” Ted admitted. “I want to change. It’s hard, though. I mean, don’t I need a little rest?”

Zach put his hand on his friends’ shoulders. “Ted, you can trust the King to make sure you get what you really need. Just focus on serving Him again and remembering what a privilege it is to be in his household. Don’t forget he’s coming back from his trip soon, and you want to hear him say, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant.’ That’s so much more important than getting your archery practice in today.”

Ted knew his friend was right. It was amazing, though, how easily he could let fleeting desires keep him from what really mattered.

His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ Matthew 25:23 (ESV)

Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God, Romans 1:1 (ESV)

Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Philippians 2:5-8 (ESV)

 

[RiverOL]

How do honor and shame motivate moral decisions?​

In my first post, I noted four ways that we seek honor and try to avoid shame. This series lays the groundwork for considering how honor and shame influence our moral decision making.

Honor, Shame, and Motivation​

In order to apply and respond to shame or honor in constructive ways, we need to understand how honor and shame motivate us, especially our moral decisions. I’ll note 4 levels of motivation, not all of them having equal value.[1]

1. Benefits (Inclusion)​

At the most basic level, we make decisions and adjust our behaviors for the sake of certain benefits. In particular, we want to be included. The desire for inclusion and the fear of exclusion are fundamental human concerns. This motivation differs little from that of “guilt,” where people fear punishment for breaking a law.

2. Belonging (Validation)​

One level deeper is the motivation of belonging. Being members of a group, people feel certain obligations. It is one’s duty to show loyalty. By acting in certain ways, a person affirms group ideals and gains a sense of validation. This motive might best be evidenced by the person who keeps to a behavior merely because of its tradition.

3. Belief (Value)​

A third and deeper level of motivation concerns belief or values. A person with this motivation has internalized certain principles about what is honorable or shameful. Several practices or values are routinely found in H&S cultures. A few examples include filial piety, respect for elders, and hierarchy as well as stress on hospitality and harmony.

4. Being (Identity)​

At the deepest level, honor and shame motivate people by appealing to their sense of identity. A person might think, “I do because I am.” I choose to live in this way because I am this or that sort of person. This level of motivation involves a diverse range of factors, especially dependent on one’s social interaction.
According to one researcher, when…

“examining the attitude of Chagga men in a Tanzanian diocese to excommunication, discovered that the men felt little guilt or shame at being excommunicated for fathering a child outside of marriage. However, they felt great shame at being childless. His conclusion was that they felt shame because childlessness was a matter of identity formation.”[2]

In summary, honor and shame can and do motivate so much of what we do, whether we are conscious of it or not. We need to understand our motivations if we’re going to see moral transformation in ourselves and in those around us. Grasping these four levels of motivation equip us to see the connection between our actions and our heart.

Why do we do the things we do?
Ideally, what we would call “Christian behaviors” are motivated by a genuine sense of Christian identity, that is of faith and love for Christ. I’m not suggesting that there is no value in the other motivations. Rather, the deeper the motivation, the more integrated the transformation we experience.
By reflecting on these four levels of motivation, we not only understand the work of character formation, but we also get a glimpse of the process that surrounds conversion, that is, the process of coming to faith and following Christ. (If you want alliteration, you could say “membership and maturity”).
We are reminded that everyone seeks to be included and desires a sense of belonging. Core values must be examined. We all live out of some sense of identity. This understanding can and should shape how we interact with others and share the gospel.