In step

[RiverOL]

The Theme, Just Now, is Kindness​

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and railing, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you.

Times were tough for Christians in Ephesus, times were pretty bad for Christians everywhere. The wise teacher suggested that this was just the time to let go of anger and be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving.


A very good reason was that if martyrdom was coming, and in Ephesus it always might be, then one wished to face the Prince of Peace in a state of grace. The great teacher had told his followers to love their enemies and to pray for those who abused them. The hour of death was not then a good time to hold grudges.
Jesus forgave His enemies from the Cross. He did not indulge in a last minute put down. If this is to be a plague year, periodic in our past, then we should not risk going to God full of resentment for those who have slighted us.

If we, as is most likely, will not face death, then mercy commends kindness, tenderheartedness, forgiveness to those suffering. Does any decent Christian rejoice when a foe suffers? Time enough for hard discussions in the future when we can enjoy the dialectic together. Surely pity and mercy commend to us acts of kindness. We might pick our favorite cause and rail about it, with malice, on social media or we might be Christians and continue in our opinions quietly for now.
Is there anything more ugly than the man who must press his view of predestination at the bedside of a suffering saint?

Once I asked my dad what he did at funerals where he was unsure of the beliefs of the deceased . . . or even. . . have mercy. . . had reason to believe the deceased was (to wax Dickensian) “a wicked old screw.” Dad always told the truth, yet Dad was also kind. In such a case, Dad said what was good, whatever bit it was (“He worked hard!”) and left the rest to God. Commending the mercy and grace of God, the ability of all of us to repent to the very end unknown to anyone but God, are truths that never grow tired.


That is the sermon to preach: damnation is a warning to the healthy, mercy the balm offered to the dying. We do not know the fate of any soul (save perhaps Judas), so we can always pray “may his soul rest in peace.”
May it. God have mercy. Christ have mercy on me a sinner.

That is all very great, but kindness in hard times to the family of God is often much smaller. Kindness is deciding this is not the time to drop a mic on a fellow Christian. This the time to see the atheist interlocutor and remember the goodness in him. We live in a moment where solidarity to every human is the key note.
This image, the key note, the main underlying theme of our speech, helps us understand why there are times for other dominant passions in our discourse. We should always be kind, but in the rough and tumble of a normal election debate in a healthy republic, verbal swords may be crossed! Jesus could engage in verbal conflict with his foes: He did not crucify them.

The time will come, say in the fall, when remaining kind, we will deploy the rhetoric used by Saint Paul with some of his foes. We will disagree, strongly, passionately, knowing that in the plague year the deeper love and kindness were there after all.

 

[RiverOL]

What You Love to Do? Do That!​

Get away with me and you’ll recover your life . . . Learn the unforced rhythms of grace—Matthew 11:28-29 MSG​

We’re all built by the same creator. And we’re built by him to “come home,” every so often. This coming home is integral to the lives we're meant to live. God’s built us to need, and to receive, his loving care. He’s built us to be restored, by him. (Psalm 23:1-6; Matthew 11:28 MSG). The thing is, many of us men don't know how to come home. We’re each designed to do it uniquely, so it takes some discovery. Few of us do that. If we do discover how, though, and if we begin to come home regularly, we live in a condition of abundance. We get filled up—and are able to overflow onto others, onto spouses, children, friends, people in need. We are able to give, for we’ve first received. We’re able to love and serve as we were meant to. We’re able to be who we were created to be and to do the work we were created to do. If we neglect the task of discovery, if we fail to learn how to come home, we operate instead in a condition of depletion. We tend to try to pull what we (think we) need from other people. We tend to try to take from them, rather than overflow onto them.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Make a list of ten to twenty things—things you truly love doing. Avoid obligations or things you “love” because other people might think you’re cool for doing them. List things that move your heart, calm your heart, or make it beat fast. List things that restore you, excite you, connect you to God, things that allow you to truly worship him in the doing. Once you have your list, commit to inserting your things generously into your daily, weekly, monthly calendar.

 

[RiverOL]

5 Ways to Overcome Fear of Commitment and Achieve Long-lasting Love​

The divorce epidemic reached its peak in the late 1970’s. Since then, the divorce rate has remained high – over 45% of first marriages end in divorce and more than 60% of second marriages. These statistics have impacted many adults willingness or interest in making a commitment to a romantic partner or to tie the knot.

In the twenty-first century, many people see divorce as a viable option to the inevitable hard times of marriage. Stable and healthy marriages seem to be in short supply. If you lacked healthy role models for a successful marriage, you may view marriage as disposable and not as essential to your life goals. Further, our culture has become increasingly individualistic and we seek personal happiness and focus on our own needs more so that the needs of a group or family members, as we did prior to the 2oth century. This has contributed to a trend towards individuals delaying commitment and marriage.


According to relationship expert, Scott Carroll, MD, having divorced parents often makes people either cynical about marriage or excessively cautious, but they sometimes throw caution to the wind and fall head-over-heals for someone they have intense chemistry with. Then this strong chemistry can lead to explosive arguments and an eventual break-up. This is especially true for individuals who have a non-secure attachment style. However, awareness is the first step in breaking this self-defeating cycle,
If you are an adult children of divorce, it’s important to keep partnerships in perspective. The truth is that all relationships end, either through breakup or death. But many people raised in divorced homes are preoccupied with the fear of a relationship ending. They fear that no matter what they do, their marriage will suffer the same fate as their parents did. Even if they do decide to marry, they may go into marriage with a lingering thought in the back of their heads that tells them it won’t work out.
This skeptical attitude can contribute to the high divorce rate. Don’t let fear stop you from achieving the true intimacy that comes with commitment. Many people hedge their bets against failure and avoid making a full commitment to a romantic partner. By doing this, they miss out on the level of intimacy that comes with making a complete commitment to their partner.


Whether your parents divorced or stayed together in an unhappy marriage, examining your attitudes about love and commitment can help you to explore options that are right for you. As you let go of fears of your relationship failing, you’ll gain confidence in your ability to love fully and make a long-term commitment.
For instance, Tessa’s parents stayed together but she has a tendency to fear abandonment because her she has an non-secure personality style. Because her parents argued a lot and were rarely home, she experienced a lot of loneliness as an only child. As a result, she clings to relationships even when her needs aren’t being met. Tessa blamed herself when Keith was distant and unwilling to work on their marriage, saying, “Is there something wrong with me?” She wonders out loud, “Am I flawed in some way – not woman enough, sexy enough?”
Tessa is an attractive, intelligent woman, but her adult intimate relationships have been unpredictable and disappointing. Her craving for a failsafe relationship will always be unsatisfied, because such a relationship doesn’t exist. In addition, she has a tendency to pick partners who are emotionally withdrawn and a poor fit for her since she needs a lot of reassurance and an opportunity to build trust and confidence in herself.
If you have fear of commitment, think about this reality: even people from intact or happy homes are faced with this reality – relationships, even marriages, provide no guarantees.
Examining your attitudes about love and commitment can help you to explore options that are right for you. As you let go of fears of your relationship failing, you’ll gain confidence in your ability to love fully and make a long-term commitment.
The task then, is to learn from your parents’ failed or unhappy marriage and your own past – creating loving relationships that are healthy and lasting. The following tips may help you on your journey for love and moving toward commitment:

• Go slowly with a new partner and allow your relationship to develop over time. Avoid making a long-term commitment before the age of twenty-five. You’ll enhance your chances of finding lasting love if you know yourself and have established a solid identity and are more financially secure.
• Strive to pick a partner with a similar background and interests if you are single. Couples who have vast differences in these two areas have an increased risk of divorce.
• Work on making yourself a better person rather than focusing on your partner’s flaws. If one person’s attitude and behavior becomes more positive, this will have a good impact on the relationship.
• Improve communication with your partner. Make a goal to listen to your partner more than you speak and express empathy when he or she is having a tough day. When you have a complaint express it as a need such as “I would appreciate it if you could be on time or call when you are late, rather than “You are so selfish and never think about me.”
• Seek couples counseling if you go through a difficult patch in your relationship. Most marriages dissolve in the first ten years – especially the first five years. Hang in there unless your partner is abusive and seek counseling to improve communication.

With greater insight and determination, you can enhance the probability of experiencing long-lasting love. If you are in a relationship do your best to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and stop and examine your part in a disagreement, rather that automatically assuming that they’re to blame or are intentionally trying to deceive or hurt you.
Keep in mind that a good marriage or relationship is a two-way street. It’s key to check-in with your partner weekly and set short-term and long-term goals toward your vision as a couple. By doing this, you will make your marriage more important than your individual needs and goals and achieve a sustainable relationship.

 

[RiverOL]

Make Your Marriage Happier By Keeping Score And Giving Back​

Have you ever found yourself keeping a list in your head of the wrongs (big and small) that your spouse has committed in your marriage? It’s so easy to hold onto memories of hurtful comments and selfish actions, or to keep a running tally of our spouse’s personal flaws.


Well, according to 1 Corinthians 13:5, love is not self-seeking and keeps no record of wrongs. It’s not biblical or beneficial to keep score in marriage by tracking the negative aspects and actions of our spouse.
However, the highly happy couples I interviewed for my book, Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, taught me that the best marriages actually do keep score—but in a very different way!
The couples who became the happiest—including many who had at one time been miserable—told me that subconsciously they were always keeping track of what their spouses were giving. As a result, one spouse was constantly aware of what they owed the other, and that helped them to let go and not keep a record of their spouses’ wrongs.

Happy couples recognize how much their spouse does for them.​

These couples see how much their mate does for them and make an effort to compensate in some way. This was particularly relevant during seasons when one spouse was going through a particularly difficult time at work, with the kids, or in another key area of life. It was almost a feeling of “Wow, he has been logging so many hours on the construction site, and these new project managers are causing him so much stress! How can I make things easier for him for the next two weeks until the project is done? Maybe I’ll bring him a dinner onsite every few days, so he doesn’t have to worry about getting home for dinner and can relax a bit.”

As a result of keeping score of what their spouse is giving, those “I’ll bring him dinner” types of actions were coming from the heart rather than out of a sense of duty. And they certainly didn’t come with the attitude of “aren’t I doing something so wonderful for him?” Because they originated from a sincere awareness of how much the other person was giving during that time.


A friend of mine refers to this give-and-take as the Canoe Theory of Marriage. Picture a husband and wife paddling across a lake. When one paddler is paddling so hard it tips the canoe to the right, the other paddler compensates by tipping more to the left . . . so they don’t tip over. They partner together by balancing effort for the other spouse when it’s needed—not out of obligation, but out of love.

Unfortunately, there are some spouses who are just 100% lazy and selfish, but they are by far the minority. In almost every marriage, there are things each partner is doing that are worth noticing which will make you want to “give back”—once you do notice it! It turns out that keeping score in that way and paying your spouse’s generosity forward will keep this healthy cycle going indefinitely.



So pay attention! Look for the sacrifices (big and small) that your spouse makes for you and for the family. Then find ways to give back by easing their burden and making life a bit sweeter for them. It might take some practice, but that’s OK. It’s worth it—for the well-being of your partner and for the happiness of your marriage. You (and your spouse) will be grateful you did!

 

[RiverOL]

Kids, Chores and Life Lessons — Thank You Dad!!​

A Crucial Lesson Learned In My Youth, From My Father​

As with so many things in our lives, we never fully appreciate what we have until it’s not around anymore. Lesson learned! Like most kids, when I left home to attend college, I didn’t imagine missing anything about life at home. After all, how could I miss my dad’s never ending chores, curfew, and rules, when I would finally have independence? It only took about two weeks before I realized how well my parents, and especially my dad had prepared me for life.

Chores Were The Foundation For His Lessons, lesson learned!​

Growing up my siblings and I were expected to do chores every Saturday morning. While our friends were sleeping in and then enjoying the rest of their weekend boating on the river, we were up at 7:30AM doing chores around the house. This included everything from the typical chores that most kids know how to do, like housework and yard work, to the odd jobs like fixing sprinklers, digging trenches, stacking hay, even roofing our house. If there was ever something that we didn’t know how to do, my dad would expect my siblings and I to work together to figure out a solution. At the time I resented having to spend the majority of my Saturday doing chores that most people would just pay to have done. My attitude changed when I began living on my own.

How Chores kept me on track​

While my friends would fold under the pressure and stresses of school, I would stay in on weekends and study, continually working hard toward my goals. While one of my roommates was a complete slob that never cleaned up after himself, I was always very tidy and left things better than I found them. Where some of my friends would complain about having to work on group projects, I would always thrive because I spent my whole life problem solving with my siblings. While my peers were struggling to find confidence I was always sure of myself because I spent my whole life learning new skills that helped boost my self-esteem.

My Dad’s Lessons Were Invaluable, lesson learned!​

I will forever be grateful to my dad for taking the time and energy to make me work hard throughout my life. I’m sure it would have been easier to just hire someone to do work around the house, but instead he was out there every weekend with us, teaching us skills and lessons that would help us stand apart later in life. Good work ethic is getting harder and harder to come by these days. I’m so fortunate that my dad cared enough about me to make me work throughout my life.

 

[RiverOL]

What Is Grace and Why Our World Needs More of It​

I have seen more and more the misuse of the concept of grace. We too often use it in a condescending way. “They” wronged me but I am showing grace to them. We treat it as if grace is about overlooking a superfluous (or even grievous) offense – taking the high road. It sounds as if we are rabid animals on the brink of exacting a vengeance we are justified in and entitled to. But, by an enormity of our own strength and character, we manage to put our executioner’s sword in the scabbard.



Of course, the result of this is that we feel even more self-righteous. Now, “they” owe us. And believe me, we are keeping score. We feel magnanimous. Like those caricatures of medieval kings who decide they will show mercy to an offending peasant. It is more about our whims than true justice.
Why does this matter? Because the whole thing deepens the wedge between two parties–Republicans and Democrats, exes after a divorce, kids on the playground. We assume we are right. We are, after all, royalty in our own worlds.

And we leave these “grace” encounters with a superiority complex. And when we don’t receive the same treatment later on, we are appalled. Also, when we decide not to use this weapon of “grace”, we are in our own rights (again, we are the arbiters of truth, the king of our own stories).
Well, since others are doing the same thing, we end up in an ever-deepening swirl of competing narratives and perspectives. We are keeping score but playing by different rules. We assume the best in ourselves and the worst in others. It is maddening.


And we hide behind “grace”, our great example of our own magnanimity and goodness.

Situations and Relationships ​

When we use what we call “grace” in a situational sort of way, we turn it into a condescending apathy, a lie-based pretense that we are loving others well, or a method to control others and outcomes to meet our desired ends.
This isn’t really grace. Mercy might come closer. Mercy is, or can be, a situational occurrence. Grace is about showing favor to another. It is not holding back your own desire for vengeance. It is preferring someone else. That is not normally what we are doing. We are playing a situational game rather than engaging in meaningful relationships.

Grace requires relationship. It requires love. You cannot have grace for someone without caring for them, truly seeing and valuing them. So let’s stop acting like we deserve a reward for extending a stay of execution against our enemies and start to get to know one another. Get out of our echo chambers and our obsession with self-validation and confirmation bias.


We need to get to know one another. Grace, like love, is perhaps most impactful when it is least noticed. When it becomes so indicative of a relationship that you don’t have to make a decree every time you exert it.

Internal Grace​

Here is the real kicker. Like forgiveness, grace is really about you more than the other person (or entity). It is about showing your own character, your own heart. In truth, not in some self-deluded game we play because we know we are supposed to be kind and loving. You can fake grace about as effectively as you can fake love – maybe in the short term but not for long.

When we hold each other accountable, it often comes from a place of wanting to shift accountability from ourselves to others. If you are the defendant and I am the judge, I don’t have to be the defendant. I don’t have to be the peasant who is searching and trying, failing and learning. I get to cast myself as the magnanimous king. The right one.
And it is a poison to our own soul.

The only cure is engaging in community. Hearing one another. Truly listening. Humility. Truth. Togetherness (not in the sense of making everyone agree with you, but in compromise and sacrifice for a greater good that requires us all).

 

[RiverOL]

Solve the Scripture Problem​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path—Psalm 119:105​

We must read Scripture, brother. God chose those words for you and for me. “Even if it was written in Scripture long ago, you can be sure it’s written for us” (Romans 15:4 MSG). God chose those words, carefully, so we could read them. And he designed us to need to read them. “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God” (Matthew 4:4). Most of us can do better—reading Scripture more and with more regularity. Figuring out how is the problem. But it’s a problem we should approach with excitement and intentionality and optimism, not with guilt or reluctance or resignation. It’s a problem we should approach with creativity, recognizing our unique designs and identities, our unique preferences and tendencies—for the solutions to the problem are as unique and varied as we are.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Don’t know where to start? Try one of the many reading plans on the free YouVersion mobile app. Can’t find time? Try listening, in the car or at the gym, to one of the several audio versions on the free Bible.is app. Struggle with consistency or motivation? Try the daily reminder feature of the free BibleGateway app or the tracking and/or group accountability features of the free Bible Companion and ReadingPlan apps. Don’t like archaic language? Try The Message version, available free on YouVersion and BibleGateway. Can’t remember what you’ve read? Try the free Fighter Verses memorization app. Something else? Work those masculine problem-solving skills to forge your own solution. Then, execute it. And, remember, this is about a relationship, not about rules or the “right way.” It’s about making a little room for God to speak to you through Scripture. It’s about connecting with God, today. * Gather Ministries has no commercial relationships with the makers of the mobile apps mentioned above.

 

[RiverOL]

How to Communicate Your Boundaries​

Boundaries are hard. It is a challenging aspect of being human. In a life where we are created for community and intimacy, where does one person end and another begin? We are meant to care for one another, to stand in the gaps, to uplift and support and encourage. But we cannot replace what another person is responsible for. And when our relationships start to endanger what we are responsible for, boundaries need to be set. Just as they do when the health of our friends is endangered.


Since we care so deeply for the people we care for, boundaries can be difficult. To make matters worse, we often don’t know we need to set a specific boundary until we see that one has been crossed. With the precedent or pattern established, it is hard to set a new norm. And it feels harsh.
Even after the hard work of recognizing boundaries, the challenge is just beginning. The next step is to communicate them to the parties involved. And that might be the hardest part.

Set Them​

The first step to communicating boundaries is to set them. If you find yourself in a codependent situation or anything else that needs boundaries, it can feel as though there needs to be some give and take, some negotiation. Boundaries are a personal matter. They are the line where you stop and another person begins. If you see that line needs to be set, you need to set it.
A lot of people we counsel get stuck trying to find a way for the other person to accept the boundaries. They negotiate with them, and try to foster in the boundary step by step. They try to get the other person to agree. This is problematic for obvious reasons.


If you want to communicate your boundaries, you have to know what they are. You have to set them before you communicate them. Clear boundaries are incomplete without clear consequences. Set your boundaries and your consequences beforehand. Be gracious and generous, but firm and resolute. It is the only way to love yourself and the best way to love the people in your life.

Speak Them​

Next, as hard as it is, you have to clearly communicate your boundaries. A lot of people will set their boundaries and then get angry when the other person continues to violate the border. The truth is the boundary was contemplated but never truly set. It is not set until it is communicated, directly, to all parties involved.
We are creatures of habit, of patterns. It is not fair to change your mindset and expect others to change their behavior in response. You have to tell them what the boundaries are if you want them to be respected. They can’t know what you don’t tell them.


This can lead to conflict and difficult conversations. That’s a good thing. That is the nature of boundaries and healthy relationships. We have to communicate the truths that may be hard to hear. Otherwise, we are settling for superficiality.

Keep Them​

You know the old saying, “a picture is worth a thousand words”. It is never more true than when communicating boundaries. In a world where we often make big verbal claims about what we are going to do but then actually do something different, keeping your boundaries are paramount.
Your boundaries will constantly be tested and tried. There is someone in your life who will get away with as much as they can. People will keep taking form you until they see a fence. Not just hear that there is one, actually see the consequences of crossing a boundary.

The most underrated way to love someone is to uphold the consequences you claim you will enforce when a boundary is crossed. It helps establish norms. Ironically, it helps the relationship operate in freedom because the passive-aggressive and under-the-surface animosity is absent. Love is about establishing boundaries appropriately. And we love not just through speech, but through action. Nothing will communicate your boundaries better than living by them.

 

[RiverOL]

5 bad habits that can lead to infidelity​

I recently sat down with a young husband in my office and he began to tell me a story about how he had been caught by his wife after he’d had some very inappropriate and sexually explicit text message exchanges with a woman at his workplace. His wife had sensed something was going on, because he has been subconsciously pulling away from his wife emotionally and physically as he was giving more and more thought to this other woman. (For more on this, check out my post on 7 signs you’re having an “emotional affair” by clicking here.)


In this particular instance, no physical/sexual lines were crossed before the emotional affair came to light, but even still, great damage had already been done to the marriage. Like so many couples, they have found themselves in a place they never expected to be and now they’re starting the process of rebuilding trust and trying to restore their relationship.

My conversation with him got me thinking about the mistakes people commonly make which can often lead to adultery. Below I’m going to list out five warning signs I’ve seen often. These aren’t specifically related to an inappropriate relationship with someone that could lead to adultery, BUT these actions seem to create a mindset in your marriage where adultery is much more likely to happen.
In addition to avoiding these 5 warning signs below, for daily encouragement for your marriage, a library of marriage ebooks and some stellar communication tools to keep you and your spouse connected download our new Marriage App from iTunes by clicking here.



Five bad habits that can lead to infidelity (in no particular order):

1. Criticizing your spouse in public, in private or online.
Criticism, nagging, or constantly “correcting” your spouse can make both you and your spouse more vulnerable to an affair. When you look at your spouse with a critical eye, you’re more likely to have your eyes open to someone else and your spouse is more likely to be drawn in by someone who will compliment them instead of criticizing. If there’s a climate of criticism in your marriage, take immediate action to change it.

2. Lack of physical affection.
If you and your spouse aren’t hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc., that’s a big warning sign. Frequent sexual intimacy is obviously important as well, but these smaller acts of everyday physical touch are so important to the physical and emotional connectedness that keep a husband and wife bonded. If your marriage is lacking in this area, start initiating physical contact. If your spouse doesn’t receive your advances with warmth, start conversations about the reasons why there’s a disconnect.
For tips and tools to help you build a stronger marriage and family, download a FREE chapter from my new book “The 7 Laws of Love” by clicking here.




3. Surrounding yourself with friends who don’t know (or don’t like) your spouse.
I’m convinced that one of the biggest factors that lead people into affairs is the friends they choose to hang around. This might sound surprising to you, but I’ve seen it play out over and over. In most (not all) cases of adultery, the spouse who had the affair had also been spending time with friends or co-workers who don’t encourage marital faithfulness. Surround yourself with friends who strengthen your character and remove yourself from those who attempt to compromise your character.


4. Believing your way is always the right way or the only way.


When you start disrespecting your spouse by belittling his/her viewpoints, you’re opening the door for infidelity. Show mutual respect at all times. Respect and thoughtfulness aren’t just good tools for preventing adultery; they vital to health in every part of your marriage.



5. Keeping secrets from your spouse.
Secrecy is the enemy of intimacy. The moment you start deleting text messages, hiding things or doing anything you hope your spouse doesn’t find out about, you’re already way out of line! If you want your marriage to thrive and be protected from adultery, make the “Secret-Free Guarantee.” Never keep secrets and never tell lies to your spouse. Full and transparent honesty is the only way a marriage can work.

 

[RiverOL]

5 Tough Questions to Consider Before You Call It Quits​

One hundred percent of marriages hit hard spots. And half of them end in divorce. If your happily-ever-after is starting to crumble, and you find yourself asking “When is divorce the right answer?” ask yourself different questions instead.


When I coach women who are struggling in their marriages, I often advise them to ask themselves the same hard questions I asked myself when I thought divorce was the answer.
It’s easy to look at what my husband is not doing and complain.
Women initiate divorce far more often than men these days. Many times we feel our husbands are defective or they’ll never change.

For years, I felt like I did everything–the cooking, the cleaning, the disciplining, the planning–and he was only a paycheck. If my husband was only a paycheck, I thought divorce was the right answer. He could’ve easily put a check in the mail.
I complained and criticized. I decided I’d made a bad decision in marrying him. I couldn’t remember why I was initially attracted to him because at the time, I didn’t even like him.

If my husband was only a paycheck, divorce was the answer​

My husband is more than a paycheck. And yours probably is, too.
Divorce may not be the best solution. If you get into another relationship, you’ll discover your guy is more “normal” than you thought he was.
Most people have thought about divorcing one time or another.

Even though your husband may not be doing everything as you’d like him to do, he adds a dimension to your life you can’t get any other way.
Instead of getting rid of my husband, I decided to ask myself if I was doing everything I could to make my marriage work. I wasn’t.
When I started asking myself hard questions, something in my marriage changed. Mostly with me. As a result of asking myself hard questions, I started making small changes. But they made a huge difference in my marriage. I started treating my husband differently.

And he changed. He became more attentive. He listened more. I started to like him again. A lot.
You may feel like he’ll never change, but quitting may not be the solution.
I wasted too much time focusing on what was wrong with my husband and not enough time on what he did right.

Download​

‘How to Be a Wife No Man Will Ever Want to Leave’ Challenge​

Instead of asking yourself if you should divorce, ask yourself “Am I doing everything I can to improve my marriage?”
Asking hard questions takes your focus off the problems and puts it on solutions. When your marriage feels hard, it’s easy and even natural to want to find someone or something to blame.
But the only behavior you can change is your own. And you can start by asking hard questions.
Instead of asking “When is divorce the right answer?” ask yourself these questions instead:

1. Am I giving my marriage 100 percent?
2. How often do I let my husband know I appreciate him?
3. Do I listen to my husband instead of trying to be heard?
4. How often do I speak encouraging words to my husband?
5. How often do I give my husband the benefit of the doubt instead of jumping to a conclusion?

 

[RiverOL]

Self-Assessment (How Are You Doing?)​

The counselor at the school we work at often encourage staff, faculty, and students to do a self check-in during the day. Just a deep breath and the legitimate question: how am I right now? Take off the mask. No need to perform or fear an imagined future. Just honestly self-assess.

I have to confess this is something I don’t do very often. I don’t often take inventory of myself.


On the other hand, I am constantly measuring others. I am obsessively weighing the justice of other peoples’ hearts. My church, politics, the people hogging the New York sidewalk. I am constantly assessing them. Why don’t I look at myself as closely?

Avoidance​

My poor attempts at self-awareness often go like this: how am I feeling? Angry. But I am angry at today’s politicians and biased news reporting. They should just tell the truth, stop trying to spin…..and I’m off into a blame mindset, a victim mentality.
We avoid self-assessment because we assume a lot about ourselves. We assume we have good intentions and that this matters more than our faults. We assume others are doing better than we are and owe us something. We assume our points of view are correct. And all this assuming leads to defensiveness rather than true assessment.
We create a fortified wall around our true sense of self–erected with pillars like sports fandom, net worth, political and religious affiliation, geography, etc. Our ego-centered “self-assessment” becomes a refortifying of the battery. We make our rounds to the old familiar columns and shore them up so that we feel better protected.


Not the same thing as true self-assessment.
This, like our blame strategies, are all about avoidance. We don’t want to ask hard questions of ourselves, we want to assume we’ve got it right and get others on board. We don’t want to acknowledge our own faults, we want to fix the faults of others and the circumstances we dislike.

Get Real​

True self-assessment begins with the question: what can I do better? What have I been doing wrong and what have I been ignoring?

We are so hyper-aware of what is going on outside of us, out in the world, yet so woefully unaware of our own self. What we truly want. What truly matters to us. How we feel and why. What we are stewarding well and what resources we are wasting. What we have to be grateful for.
Now is a good time to get real with ourselves. In this day and age, with biased news reporting and a myriad of voices, one which inevitably tells you what you want to hear, we are consumers. Very few are producing well. Very few of us are doing well. Mental health and suicide are prevalent because we are, relatively speaking, ignoring ourselves.


It is time for an honest check in. You won’t break yourself by asking yourself hard questions. You are not a house of cards. Maybe your perspective is; the false reality you’ve carefully constructed. But who you are at the core is stronger (and probably better off and better positioned than you realize). But you’ll never get there without taking intentional time to inventory your own life.

 

[RiverOL]

Unmitigated Genius​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . he will teach you all things—John 14:26​

What’s the Holy Spirit like? Well, we know he’s a genius, but not the kind we’re used to. His genius is “not a wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age” (1 Corinthians 2:6). His genius is beyond human discovery. He “searches everything, even the depths of God” (1 Corinthians 2:10). He’s an unmitigated genius. A perfect genius. We also know, he’s here for us. He was sent by God the Father, at the request of our King, Jesus Christ, to bring truth “out into the open” and “make everything plain”—all to “bring out his best in us” (1 Corinthians 2:6-10; John 14:25-27 MSG). He was sent to take you and me “by the hand” and guide us “into all the truth there is” (John 16:12-15 MSG). Think about that . . . “all the truth there is” . . . suffused into our lives. Well, that’s his mission. So, the only question is, what do we do? The answer is, not that much, actually. We just give him a chance, by doing the simple things Jesus taught: meditate, pray, study, fast, serve, confess, repent, worship, celebrate. He does everything else. Of course, the more we do, the better—though, even one of those, even imperfectly done, allows the Spirit to introduce some of his genius into our lives. When we fail to do even a little, though, it doesn’t: “The unspiritual self, just as it is by nature, can’t receive the gifts of God’s Spirit” (1 Corinthians 2:14-16 MSG).

Okay, so what do we do?​ Do something, brother, right now. Even something small. Let’s all do something—and allow the Spirit to inject a bit of his genius into our lives, this day. He’s waiting. He’s right there, right inside your very being, right now . . . excited . . . waiting.

 

[RiverOL]

Living With Urgency​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

The night is about over, dawn is about to break—Romans 13:11-14​

No question, a lot of us men are living in “I know, I know” mode . . . in “I’m gonna do it, but just not right now” mode. You see, we know what’s important; we’ve just convinced ourselves we’ve got all kinds of time. And, because life is crazy busy right now, we’ve resolved to get around to doing what we know we should be doing, later—when things slow a bit. We’ll change our ways, later. We’ll get around to actually living out our faith, later. But, what if there’s no later? What if this day, today, was our last day? It couldn’t possibly be. Waking up this morning was just like waking up yesterday. Tomorrow’s sure to be the same. There’ll always be plenty of time . . . right? Well, the Apostle Peter wrote that God’s right now “restraining himself,” because he loves you and me (2 Peter 3:8-9 MSG). He’s “holding back the End because he doesn’t want anyone lost. He’s giving everyone space and time to change” (2 Peter 3:8-9 MSG). But, warned Peter, it won’t last forever: “. . . when the Day of God’s Judgment does come, it will be unannounced, like a thief” (2 Peter 3:8-10 MSG). When the last day comes, the “space and time” God’s been giving us will vanish. So Peter made his appeal: “Since everything here today might well be gone tomorrow, do you see how essential it is to live a holy life?” (2 Peter 3:11-13 MSG). So Peter made his appeal: live with urgency.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Take a look at your life. Where are you spending money and talent? Where, and with whom, are you spending time? What’s being neglected? What needs to change? Are you willing, brother? It’s time—time to shift into “I’m on it” mode.

 

[RiverOL]

Does Your Kid Make You Feel Like You Can Do Nothing Right?​

Last week I felt like everything I did for one of my kids was met with sarcasm, frustration, or anger. The typical jokes we had between us, the acts of kindness I did, and every time I seemed to open my mouth it was met with a snarl of “you never…” or “you always…” I couldn’t win.
Having had four kids under my roof, I’ve learned to try different things to get to the root of the issue. This time was no different.

I fixed a special breakfast one morning. No change.
A special treat from the grocery store. No change.
I tried talking about it. More anger.
Going for a walk with him. Good conversation about the weather and general topics — but no change.

And then I decided to wait.

I didn’t totally avoid him (after all, we were living in the same house), but I did my thing and he did his. I didn’t go out of my way to seek resolution. (After all, I had already tried that and it hadn’t worked). So I waited.

If he needed something, he had to come to me.

And I continued to wait. (Difficult for me as a mom who wants to solve the problem now.)

One evening as the two of us were together standing in the kitchen with no one else home, the words came tumbling out of his mouth. He shared his fears and his assumptions about how I was handling a situation.

I listened — I mean really listened.

The words kept coming as if pent up emotion had been there for years — and in all reality it had. A feeling he had almost a decade before had been triggered by a choice I had made two weeks earlier. My son had tied that feeling of 10 years ago to a situation I was facing today. As a result he was making assumptions. Assumptions that I was responding the same way I had all those years ago.

And he was angry, frustrated, and filled with fear.

A-ha! Now I knew what was troubling him.

Rather than tell my side of the story, which is where my true now I can fix-it nature likes to go. Thankfully I paused long enough to know what I should really do in moments like this.

I empathized. I apologized for what he experienced earlier. I made sure that he felt heard and affirmed.

Then I asked a critical question. “I know you were hurt years ago, and I know that the decision I made this time feels the same way to you, and I’m sorry. Would it be okay if I share why I think this time is different from last time?”

Notice that I asked permission to talk.

What I’ve learned is that when there is a disconnect between two people, asking their permission to tell them how you see the situation differently creates two things — an acknowledgement that you heard them and an understanding that you want to create a “safe” place for them.

If my son had said no to my question, I would have honored that and ended the conversation with something like “I know that this has been difficult for you and I respect that. I do feel like the situation today is very different from what you experienced in the past. When you are ready to talk about it let me know and I’ll share how I see things now.”

Thankfully my son agreed to let me share what I was thinking about the current circumstances. Once he was able to hear my heart, the climate changed between us. The sarcasm, the frustration, and the anger seem to be gone. Mutual respect has re-entered our relationship because we now understand each other’s reasons for our choices and behavior.

Without the empathy and respect piece, we don’t create safety for the other person in the relationship. This derails our conversations and keeps us from getting to the root cause. Instead we typically try to justify or at least explain our side of the story which makes thing unsafe for the other person.

I’ll admit that typically I’m terrible about making sure I validate the other person. I just want to fix the problem and move on. However, we need to remember that conflict resolved well (with empathy, validation, and safety), creates a more intimate relationship.

I’ve given my son permission to give me a cue when I head down the path of justifying my actions before I’ve made sure he has been heard. It’s humbling to see how many times I get it wrong. That said, I want to grow in my relationships with others–especially with my kids.

Proverbs 19:11
A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

Dare you to look at how you respond when your kids seems frustrated or angry at you. Empathize, validate, and create safety to mend and create a more fulfilling relationship.

---

Debbie Hitchcock is co-author of With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens (Thomas Nelson, 2016). She is a trainer, speaker, and parenting coach at Greater Impact Ministries, Inc. and blogs at DebbieHitchcock.com. Debbie and her husband, Dave, have been married since 1978, and they have four grown children.

 

[RiverOL]

This is How to Get Your Emotional Intimacy Needs Met​

Are you frustrated in your marriage because your needs aren’t being met?
You’re not alone. Many people don’t know how ask for what they need, much less give someone else what they need.
We usually need what we didn’t get. And if we didn’t get it, we don’t know how to give it.

Having needs doesn’t make you needy; it makes you normal​

We’ve all got them. Needs.
Here are the top 10 emotional intimacy needs*:
1. Acceptance-The need for unconditional love.
2. Affection–The need for physical touch or closeness.
3. Appreciation–The need for gratitude.
4. Approval-The need to feel important.
5. Attention-The need to know you’re cared about.
6. Comfort-The need to have someone respond to your hurt.
7. Encouragement-The need to have someone cheer you on.
8. Respect–The need to know you’re valued.
9. Security-The need to know you’ll protect me.
10. Support-The need to know you’ll be there through my struggles.
Emotional intimacy needs are powerful motivators for behavior. They determine how you relate to your husband and how he relates to you.

Unmet needs are a major source of frustration in marriage​

We want what we didn’t get, so we end up either demanding it from others or manipulating them into giving it to us.
There’s an easier way.
Here are 6 steps to set the stage for getting your needs met:

1. Look over the list and decide on your top three needs. Give your husband an opportunity to look over the list to decide his top three needs.
2. Set aside time with your husband. Set aside time each week to talk about your relationship. Find a quiet place so you can have uninterrupted time. Listen to what he needs and share your intimacy needs with your husband. These are information gathering sessions.
3. Meet his needs. After finding out which needs are most important to him and why, find ways to meet those needs. This will require you to become a student and your concentration will be your spouse.
4. Help him feel secure and confident in your support. Your husband doesn’t want to seem “needy” either. He needs to be assured you’ve got his back, and he’s got your confidence.
5. Avoid playing emotional games. You don’t get what you need, you’re afraid to ask for it so you form unhealthy behavior patterns. David and Teresa Ferguson in Intimate Encounters call these marital games and they’re driven by unmet emotional needs. They are usually manipulation techniques, which end up making us look “needy.”
6. Tell your husband what you need. Speak plainly in expressing your needs. Using an “I wish” statement is different than using an “I need” statement.

A large part of getting your needs met depends on your willingness to meet your husband’s needs and your willingness to let him know what you need.

It takes practice​

Your husband may have a tough time articulating his needs because most men aren’t verbal creatures.
They have a much lower daily word count than women, which means they talk a lot less.
You may have to experiment until you find out what he likes. Become a student of him. He may be your favorite subject ever.
Here are a few examples to get you started:

• Call him at work or send him a text to tell him you love him
• Initiate sex
• Tell him you appreciate his leadership
• Prepare his favorite meal or snack
• Take him to dinner or a movie
• Talk him up in front of others
• Compliment him
• Listen
• Assure him of your support
• Tell him you trust his judgement
• Praise him for helping at home or with kids
• Pray together

If you still don’t know, ask him.
Learning to meet each other’s emotional intimacy needs takes practice.
You can learn to meet each other’s needs and recapture the feelings of love and tenderness that attracted you to him in the first place.

 

[RiverOL]

5 excuses unhappy couples make​

When we’re committed to something, we make a way. When we’re not, we make an excuse.
My wife, Ashley, and I have connected with couples from all over the world, and one alarming trend we’ve discovered is that there seems to be an “Epidemic of Excuses” in modern marriages. What I mean by that is many couples seem to be caught in a trap of justifying an unhealthy marriage or even a choice to divorce by making excuses instead of working together to make a better marriage.
Below are some of the most common and destructive “excuses” out there. If you find yourself using these, I encourage you to take a step back and reevaluate. This post isn’t meant to minimize the very real challenges you may be facing; it’s meant to give you hope by changing your perspective. Changing your perspective is the first step in changing your marriage.



This is not a comprehensive list, but these are among the most common marriage-damaging excuses:
1. My spouse doesn’t make me happy anymore.
One of the biggest dangers with romance novels and pornography (as well as much of our mainstream entertainment) is that it warps our minds into thinking other people (even our own spouses) exist for our our happiness and pleasure. This is a distorted and destructive view. It’s selfish, and selfishness is the enemy of love. It’s not your spouse’s responsibility to “make you happy.”
2. The kids have to come first.
It’s true that we should be willing to jump in front of a moving bus to protect our children, but I’ve heard way to many people use this excuse to justify an unhealthy marriage while trying to look like a selfless martyr for their kids. If you really want to protect your kids, then love your spouse! Give your children the security that comes from seeing their parents in a loving, committed relationship with each other! You’re teaching your kids what marriage should look like, and chances are good that they’ll grow up to repeat the kind of marriage (or divorce) you model for them.


3. We’d be better off apart.
On the surface, this seems like a selfless admission that the best thing for everyone would be to part ways. It’s almost never the truth. It’s usually an excuse to take a quick exit from your marriage instead of dealing with your issues and then taking those same issues into a new relationship and repeating the same dysfunctional cycle with someone else.
4. My spouse isn’t doing their share.
It can be incredibly frustrating when one spouse is consistently working harder than the other, but you need to give your very best even when your spouse isn’t doing the same. This is a very tough truth, but your level of commitment cannot be conditional upon your spouse’s level of commitment. Marriage is not 50-50; divorce is 50-50. Marriage has to be 100-100. It’s not dividing everything in half, but giving everything you’ve got. Your spouse is more likely to respond positively to your selfless example of excellence than to nagging, coercing or complaining.
5. I’ve got nothing left to give.
I know many people are in exhausting and frustrating places where there seems to be no hope, but I’ve seen too many marriage miracles to believe in the word “hopeless.” Don’t give up! Invest in each other. The resources below can help you get started. Remember that a “perfect marriage” is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

 

[RiverOL]

2 Tips to Help Guard Against Intruders In Your Marriage​

Over the years, I have been seeing how today’s society doesn’t value the sanctity of marriage. More and more couples are experiencing the devastation of broken marriages and divorces. From a Christian perspective, God values marriage. God’s idea of marriage consists of an unbreakable covenant between a man and woman (Matthew 19:6). It is His desire that marriages be instruments that He can use to show the image of His faithfulness and everlasting love to the world (John 13:35).


At a marriage seminar a few years ago, my husband and I heard a powerful story surrounding the circular shape of your ring and how it is a symbol of protection from “invasions” into your relationship. We learned that it is important to cover your marriage and guard against “invasions” that seek to gain access to destroy your union. Here are 2 “invaders” that we learned to look out for to share for growth in your marriage.

1. Time Stealers​

Time is something that couples should invest in their marriage. It is too easy to let time stealers invade moments designed for quality time with the one you love. Be careful to not let subtle time stealers such as hobbies, emails, TV, Facebook, Instagram, and other social media become distractions that stunt growth. Here are a few tips to reclaim quality time to find intimate moments together:

• Schedule weekly date nights.
• Cook dinner together.
• Send your spouse love notes by email and text during the day.
• Cuddle while watching a movie.

2. Emotion Stealers​

Communication is a must have in your marriage. After all, intimate talks to share your heart, feelings, goals, and dreams deepen your marriage’s bond and connection. However, improper relationships can seek to “invade” the space that only belongs to your spouse. This can take the form of sharing your heart with someone of the opposite sex or “venting” to friends about your spouse. Remember, honoring your commitment to God and your spouse requires continual connection and communication to strengthen your marriage (Proverbs 4:23).
These 2 tips will help you guard against invasions to solidify growth and build your marriage as God’s platform to reflect Him and your commitment to Him for all to see.
Husbands and wives: Are there any other intruders that you could share that you have encountered in your marriage? Please feel free to share below!

 

[RiverOL]

Are You Headed for a Grey Divorce?​

In recent years, there has been a lot of traction on the web about grey divorce. If you are over age 50 and have been married for a few decades, the media might have you questioning if your marriage is in on the rocks and you may not even realize it.

The Pew Research Center’s report, “Led by Baby Boomers, Divorce Rates Climb for America’s 50+ Population” paints a worrisome portrait of marriage over 50 since they claim that the divorce rate for people over age 50 has roughly doubled since the 1990’s.


However, Professors Naomi Cahn at the George Washington University Law School and June Carbone at the University of Minnesota Law School, examined at the latest research on grey divorce and are more optimistic, saying that the divorce rate is still not all that high for those over age 50.
In fact, these statistics will bring hope to those of us who married later or remarried and are over age 50. In 1990, five out of every 1,000 married people divorced. In 2010, 10 out of every 1,000 married people divorced. While the rate has risen more dramatically for those over age 50, it is still half the rate of those under age 50.
In search of more reasons why we can be optimistic, I interviewed three couples who are in a successful first or second marriage, are over age 50, and don’t have plans to divorce on their radar.

Claire, 64, put it like this: “Rick and I remarried after troubled first marriages and we’re happy to find love can be better the second time around. Sure, we have arguments, mostly about money, but at the end of the day, we make up and feel grateful to be moving into retirement with a partner who loves to travel and spend time with grandkids. We’re both boomers in our mid-sixties and have zest for life and each other.”


Another couple, Ryan, 58, and Linda, 55, have been happily married for twenty years, have three adolescents, and love the fast pace of married life and raising active, healthy teenagers.
Ryan reflects, “Some of our friends are single, others are divorced, many don’t have kids. We choose to get married late (in late thirties) and love watching our kids grow. We wouldn’t trade out lives with any of the people in our circle who have less stress but no kids to leave as our legacy.”
Lastly, Karen, 52, and Nick, 54, talked to me about the challenges of living in a stepfamily in their 50’s but they are going for counseling and learning to respect their differences and work out financial stress.

Karen says, “We didn’t realize that it would be so challenging to combine four kids in a stepfamily. We both had two kids when we married and weekends are pretty chaotic with schedules, events, and disagreements among all of us. Combining our lives and our histories has been difficult but the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.”
Certainly, I interviewed a small sample of happily married couples who don’t represent all married couples over 50. However, keep in mind, that listening to stories can be encouraging and the couples that I spoke with all mentioned that they’ve weathered the storms of issues with kids, financial stress, and even blending kids from two families.


It’s my hope that the stories in this blog may inspire you to seek counseling when you go through a tough patch with your spouse. In fact, you may decide to recommit to your spouse because you believe that there are many positive aspects and bright spots to marriage over 50. Or, you might even agree with me that while marriage isn’t easy as we age, it can bring many unexpected delights and adventures that make it worth taking the journey.

 

[RiverOL]

The Most Dangerous Threat to Your Relationship​

There are a lot of things that threaten a relationship. Challenging circumstances. Outside temptations. But the most dangerous thing in your relationship might surprise you. It is a bigger threat than circumstance or temptation, anger or addiction. In fact, it is the undercurrent of all other dangers.
We are made for community. Yet, we are each valuable individuals. The beauty of relationship is the merger of these two realities: being who we are in the context of community. The most dangerous threat to your relationship is an internal one. It is a specific mistake we often make as we try to navigate the balance of unique identity in relationship with others.

Who is the Antagonist?​

There is nothing more powerful than a story. We are all living a unique story. Heroes and villains, obstacles and triumphs. Our lives are an epic journey.

An important question in the story of any human is who is the antagonist? Who is the enemy? Our story needs an antagonist. We need someone, some thing, that we are defeating, rising above, conquering. We need it in our greater story and in the story of our day. It might be complacency or fear. Satan or a rival at work. This is why we love sports and politics, reality TV and gossip. We need something we are coming up against to make us feel alive, to give our story meaning and weight.

Proximity​

Unfortunately, the people closest to us are the easiest people to cast as the antagonist in our story. They are with us every day. They have their own unique ideas. Their own story. And we can so easily start to compete with the people we love the most. This is what turns loving couples into bitter divorcees. It is what causes Jerry Springer to never run out of guests.



The biggest threat to your relationship is the temptation to cast your partner as the antagonist in your story. This happens all the time in relationships. It occurs in small ways every day.
When I am telling a story to friends, I need an antagonist. I am obviously going to be the hero, so I need some obstacle to overcome, something to rise above. My wife is often the antagonist. I start a story by putting her on blast: “She is pretty bad with directions” (luckily she has me to show her the way); “She takes a nap every day!” (luckily, I am here to work hard and earn the money); “She hates [fill in the blank]” (as opposed to me, who is much more cultured and open-minded). The safest way for us to build ourselves up is to tear down the people around us.
The people closest to us are the easiest punching bags. We knew them well, we know their quirks and their preferences and their imperfections. And we love to use these as fodder for our own stories of triumph. We protect them when they make a mistake. We know something when they are oblivious or foolish. We use our partners to make ourselves look better. We are always protecting our image in front of others, much more sensitive to how we might look bad than how what we are saying might make our partner look.

Re-Aligned​

The results are a subtle poison in our relationships. We are always trying to one-up the people we love most. Always talking about how we are the peacemakers in an otherwise turbulent family, how we are the providers or the planners, the ones who know what is best or the ones who have their life together. We are the heroes of our families, the saints and saviors of the relationship. We love them in spite of their foolishness and imperfection.

It will break your heart if you start looking for this. How often couples say something (just casual, just for fun) that tears the other down, cast them in a bad light, makes fun of them.
The reason this is so dangerous is because it undermines the vision of a relationship. Relationships are about unity, togetherness. You are on the same team! Striving for a unified goal, partners in pursuing that end. Without a stated, intentional vision for our relationship, we devolve into fighting over who is the hero and who is the antagonist. We tell our stories and our relationships die by a thousand little cuts.
A unified relationship can withstand any circumstance. People who know and accept that they are on the same team cannot be breached by outside temptations. What drives us to the other dangers of relationship is the subtle belief that our partner is the antagonist in our story.

 

[RiverOL]

4 Ways to Keep Romance Alive Even When You Feel Like You’re Dying​

I recently read an article that said childbirth is a bigger factor in divorce than infidelity.
You’re more likely to split up because you had a baby than because one of you cheated.


According to the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, within three years of the birth of a child, about two-thirds of couples find the quality of their relationship declines.
Five years after the birth of a child, 13 percent of couples divorced.
What’s up?

You did all the work and he wants to divorce?​

You carried a baby for 40 weeks, you packed on 30 pounds, your tummy is now the shape of a deflated balloon and he wants to divorce you?
Are men just jerks and unable to relate to the changes women go through after childbirth?
Even when both parties are on board for babies, the article states, the reality of taking care of a newborn and raising children can sometimes lead to irreconcilable differences.
Raising a child definitely leads to differences. I’m not sure I’d call them irreconcilable.
Differences like:

• A change in priorities
• Both spouses feel unappreciated
• Mom’s sexual desire declines
• Most of Mom’s attention is dedicated to the baby

Differences that are to be expected after the birth of a baby.
A baby complicates life.
It’s a huge change. And most women start showing up a little differently in the marriage.
More tired. More frustrated. Maybe even a little resentful because her husband isn’t experiencing the same emotional, physical and hormonal changes she is. Life for him appears to roll as normal.
Except that his wife is more focused on the baby than on him.
And she might seem less fun.

Many woman laser focus on the kids and take attention off the marriage, which can leave him feeling left out.
“They’re just jealous,” one mom in the article hypothesized. “They can’t stand the thought of someone else taking their wife’s attention.”
That may be partially true. And natural. If his attention was focused disproportionally on work or sports or on anything other than her, she’d feel a little left out, too.
Being a mom to littles is exhausting. Some days you feel like you may fall over at any minute, which doesn’t do much for intimacy.
But keeping the flame alive while the sparks are small (or mid-sided or teenagers), will pay off in the long run.
Keep your marriage strong and healthy by:

1. Finding ways to make husband and wife time a priority. If things go as planned, you’ll be a wife much longer than you’ll be a mother to young children.
2. Teaching your children to respect your time with your husband. Everyone wants happy well-adjusted kids, and they’ll be happy and well adjusted when they see that Dad and Mom are priority in each other’s lives.
3. Carving out time to talk each week.
4. Making time for yourself. You’re much happier when you’re rested and refreshed.

I suppose you could blame a divorce after childbirth on the child. If she hadn’t had the baby, the relationship wouldn’t have changed.
Having a baby doesn’t have to be the last nail in the coffin on your marriage.
While caring for a child may take most of your time, it does not have to dominate your universe. Find ways to stay connected and emotionally intimate and reduce the chances of childbirth leading to a split.