In step

[RiverOL]

Chasing the Wind: The Futility of Materialism​

The book of Ecclesiastes is the most powerful exposé of materialism ever written. Solomon recounts his attempts to find meaning in pleasure, laughter, alcohol, folly, building projects, and the pursuit of personal interests, as well as in amassing slaves, gold and silver, singers, and a huge harem to fulfill his sexual desires (Ecclesiastes 2:1-11). The more Solomon had, the more he was tempted to indulge. His indulgence led to sin, and his sin brought misery.


Solomon makes a series of insightful statements in Ecclesiastes 5:10–15. I’ll follow each with my paraphrase:

• “Whoever loves money never has money enough” (v. 10). The more you have, the more you want.
• “Whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income” (v. 10). The more you have, the less you’re satisfied.
• “As goods increase, so do those who consume them” (v. 11). The more you have, the more people (including the government) will come after it.
• “And what benefit are they to the owner except to feast his eyes on them?” (v. 11). The more you have, the more you realize it does you no good.
• “The sleep of a laborer is sweet, whether he eats little or much, but the abundance of a rich man permits him no sleep” (v. 12). The more you have, the more you have to worry about.
• “I have seen a grievous evil under the sun: wealth hoarded to the harm of its owner” (v. 13). The more you have, the more you can hurt yourself by holding on to it.
• “Or wealth lost through some misfortune” (v.14). The more you have, the more you have to lose.
• “Naked a man comes from his mother’s womb, and as he comes, so he departs. He takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand” (v. 15). The more you have, the more you’ll leave behind.

As the wealthiest man on earth, Solomon learned that affluence didn’t satisfy. All it did was give him greater opportunity to chase more mirages. People tend to run out of money before mirages, so they cling to the myth that things they can’t afford will satisfy them. Solomon’s money never ran out. He tried everything, saying, “I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure” (Ecclesiastes 2:10).
Solomon’s conclusion? “When I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun” (v. 11).

Consider this statement, “Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income” (Ecclesiastes 5:10). The repeated word never is emphatic—there are no exceptions. There’s an unspoken corollary to this statement: To become satisfied, you must change your attitude toward wealth.
Money itself is never the answer. What we need is a radically different perspective on money and a genuine opportunity to do something with it that will make our lives meaningful instead of meaningless.

 

[RiverOL]

Our Secret Paradise: Where Is Your Treasure?​

What are you most passionate about? Are you most passionate about God?
That’s a hard question, because if we are honest, most of us will admit that we are not really as passionate about God as we ought to be. That means our time, talent, and treasures are being invested somewhere other than in our relationship with God.


In Matthew 6:21, Jesus says, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” The Greek word that is translated “treasure” literally means a space for storage. It is like a treasury or repository.
If you are going to be laying up your treasures on the earth, Jesus says—if your repository is an earthly one—then that is where your focus is going to be. But if your storage place is in heaven, then your focus will be on heavenly things.

Our passions and the greatest amount of our affection will be in the place where we have invested ourselves. The secret of passion for God and the secret of lasting passion in marriage is prioritizing investment. Where are our priorities?
None of us invest our lives in any one place. Our first treasury ought to be God.

But if we’re married, our second storage place should be our spouse. Why? Because God created marriage to be the first human relationship in our lives. With the exception of our relationship with Jesus Christ, our marriage comes first.
If you are married, are you passionate about your marriage? If not, where is your passion?
Some might say their passion is in their children. That is a good thing, but your marriage and God are more important. Your children need godly parents. They are looking to you for an example of the correct way to live. They need to see you succeeding at marriage.


Others might say they are most passionate about their work, or about an activity like golf or exercise or shopping. But a marriage cannot work when it is not the priority. This is the first law of marriage, from Genesis 2:24: that a man will leave his father or mother and cleave unto his wife.
The word “leave” means reprioritizing your entire life in order for your marriage to work. Marriage will not be successful if it is third or fourth priority in your life. Your marriage should be second to God but first to every other relationship.

Your first passion should be for the things of God, but your second treasure, priority-wise, is your spouse. Third ought to be our kids…then our extended family, our church, our work, our interests, and all those other things.
When you get these in the wrong order—when you over-invest in one of them that ought to be further down the list—then your passions naturally move to the place where you have invested yourself. This is the law of sowing and reaping, as described in Galatians 6.

You reap what you sow. If you plant wheat, you’ll get a wheat stalk. You cannot sow all your seeds at work and then reap something at home. You cannot sow into your children and reap positive results in your marriage.
A successful marriage, like a successful spiritual life, is one in which we are giving ourselves—our talents and time and treasure—to the right things. God wants us to focus first on our relationship with him, and then on our marriage. If we get those two right, the rest of our treasury will fall into place.

 

[RiverOL]

Our Secret Paradise: Where Is Your Treasure?​

What are you most passionate about? Are you most passionate about God?
That’s a hard question, because if we are honest, most of us will admit that we are not really as passionate about God as we ought to be. That means our time, talent, and treasures are being invested somewhere other than in our relationship with God.


In Matthew 6:21, Jesus says, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” The Greek word that is translated “treasure” literally means a space for storage. It is like a treasury or repository.
If you are going to be laying up your treasures on the earth, Jesus says—if your repository is an earthly one—then that is where your focus is going to be. But if your storage place is in heaven, then your focus will be on heavenly things.

Our passions and the greatest amount of our affection will be in the place where we have invested ourselves. The secret of passion for God and the secret of lasting passion in marriage is prioritizing investment. Where are our priorities?
None of us invest our lives in any one place. Our first treasury ought to be God.

But if we’re married, our second storage place should be our spouse. Why? Because God created marriage to be the first human relationship in our lives. With the exception of our relationship with Jesus Christ, our marriage comes first.
If you are married, are you passionate about your marriage? If not, where is your passion?
Some might say their passion is in their children. That is a good thing, but your marriage and God are more important. Your children need godly parents. They are looking to you for an example of the correct way to live. They need to see you succeeding at marriage.


Others might say they are most passionate about their work, or about an activity like golf or exercise or shopping. But a marriage cannot work when it is not the priority. This is the first law of marriage, from Genesis 2:24: that a man will leave his father or mother and cleave unto his wife.
The word “leave” means reprioritizing your entire life in order for your marriage to work. Marriage will not be successful if it is third or fourth priority in your life. Your marriage should be second to God but first to every other relationship.

Your first passion should be for the things of God, but your second treasure, priority-wise, is your spouse. Third ought to be our kids…then our extended family, our church, our work, our interests, and all those other things.
When you get these in the wrong order—when you over-invest in one of them that ought to be further down the list—then your passions naturally move to the place where you have invested yourself. This is the law of sowing and reaping, as described in Galatians 6.

You reap what you sow. If you plant wheat, you’ll get a wheat stalk. You cannot sow all your seeds at work and then reap something at home. You cannot sow into your children and reap positive results in your marriage.
A successful marriage, like a successful spiritual life, is one in which we are giving ourselves—our talents and time and treasure—to the right things. God wants us to focus first on our relationship with him, and then on our marriage. If we get those two right, the rest of our treasury will fall into place.

 

[RiverOL]

Common Christian Myths About Happiness​

Puritan preacher Thomas Brooks said, “God is the author of all true happiness; he is the donor of all true happiness. . . . He that hath him for his God, for his portion, is the only happy man in the world.” English evangelist John Wesley said, “When we first know Christ . . . then it is that happiness begins; happiness real, solid, substantial.”


Happiness is what we all want, and believers throughout the centuries, like Brooks and Wesley, have affirmed that it is a good desire when we seek it in Christ. Unfortunately, countless modern Christians have been taught various myths about happiness.

Is God Concerned Only with Our Holiness?​

As a young pastor, I preached, as others still do, “God calls us to holiness, not happiness.” I saw Christians pursue what they thought would make them happy, falling headlong into sexual immorality, alcoholism, and materialism. The lure of happiness appeared at odds with holiness. I was attempting to oppose our human tendency to put preferences and convenience before obedience to Christ. It all sounded so spiritual, and I could quote countless authors and preachers who agreed with me.
I’m now convinced we were all dead wrong.

To be holy is to see God as he is and to become like him, covered in Christ’s righteousness. And since God’s nature is to be happy (Psalm 115:3; 1 Timothy 1:11), the more like him we become in our sanctification, the happier we will be. Forcing a choice between happiness and holiness is utterly foreign to Scripture. If it were true that God wants us to be only holy, wouldn’t we expect Philippians 4:4 to say, “Be holy in the Lord always” instead of “Rejoice in the Lord always”?


Any understanding of God is utterly false if it is incompatible with the lofty and infinitely holy view of God in Ezekiel 1:26–28 and Isaiah 6:1–4, and of Jesus in Revelation 1:9–18. God is decidedly and unapologetically anti-sin, but he is in no sense anti-happiness. Indeed, holiness is exactly what secures our happiness. Charles Spurgeon said, “Holiness is the royal road to happiness. The death of sin is the life of joy.”

Is Happiness Just a Matter of Chance?​

It’s common to hear objections to the word happy based on its etymology, or history. One commentator says that “Happy comes from the word ‘hap,’ meaning ‘chance.’ It is therefore incorrect to translate [the Greek word makarios] as ‘happy’” (The Pursuit of Happiness: An Exegetical Commentary on the Beatitudes). This argument may sound valid, but our language is full of words long detached from their original meanings. Enthusiasm originally meant “in the gods,” but if I say you’re enthusiastic, I’m not suggesting you are a polytheist.


When people say they want to be happy, they are typically making no statement whatsoever about chance. D.A. Carson argues in Exegetical Fallacies, “The meaning of a word cannot be reliably determined by etymology” (32). King James Version translators wouldn’t have used happy and other forms of the root word happiness thirty-six times or translated makarios as some form of happy seventeen times if they thought its word history disqualified happy as a credible biblical word.
The fact is, the Puritans, Jonathan Edwards, Charles Spurgeon, and many others used the words happy and happiness frequently in biblical, theological, and Christ-centered contexts. When they called on believers to be happy, they weren’t speaking of happenstance or chance, but of enduring delight and pleasure and good cheer in Jesus.

Is Joy More Spiritual Than Happiness?​

Oswald Chambers, author of the excellent My Utmost for His Highest, was one of the earliest Bible teachers to speak against happiness. He wrote, “Happiness is no standard for men and women because happiness depends on my being determinedly ignorant of God and his demands” (Biblical Ethics, 14).


After extensive research, I’m convinced that no biblical or historical basis whatsoever exists to define happiness as inherently sinful. Unfortunately, because Bible teachers such as Chambers saw people trying to find happiness in sin, they came to think that pursuing happiness is sinful. Chambers said, “Joy is not happiness,” and continued, “There is no mention in the Bible of happiness for a Christian, but there is plenty said about joy” (God’s Workmanship, and He Shall Glorify Me, 346).
That simply is not true. In the King James Version, which Chambers used, Jesus tells his disciples, “If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them” (John 13:17 KJV). Speaking of faithful Christians, James said, “We count them happy which endure” (James 5:11 KJV). Peter said to fellow believers, “If ye suffer for righteousness’ sake, happy are ye” (1 Peter 3:14 KJV) and “If ye be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are ye” (1 Peter 4:14 KJV).

Chambers also wrote in My Utmost for His Highest, “Joy should not be confused with happiness. In fact, it is an insult to Jesus Christ to use the word happiness in connection with him.” I certainly respect Oswald Chambers, but statements like this are misleading. It’s hard for me to conceive of a greater insult to Jesus than to effectively deny what Hebrews reveals about his happy nature: “God, your God, has anointed you with the oil of gladness above your companions” (Hebrews 1:9 NASB).

It also seems insulting to say that the best Father in the universe doesn’t want his children to be happy. In reality, the Bible is a vast reservoir containing, not dozens, but hundreds of passages conveying happiness. I’ve found more than 2,700 Scripture passages where words such as joy, happiness, gladness, merriment, pleasure, celebration, cheer, laughter, delight, jubilation, feasting, exultation, and celebration are used. Throw in the words blessed and blessing, which often connote happiness, and the number increases.

The English Standard Version doesn’t use the word happy nearly as often as many other translations, but it’s still there:

• Happy are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the Lord! (Deuteronomy 33:29)
• Judah and Israel were as many as the sand by the sea. They ate and drank and were happy. (1 Kings 4:20)
• How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness. (Isaiah 52:7)

Scripture is clear that seeking happiness — or joy, gladness, delight, or pleasure — in sin is wrong and fruitless. But seeking happiness in him is good and God-honoring.

Redeeming ‘Happiness’​

The modern Christian avoidance of happiness is completely counterintuitive. This is no minor semantic issue. Historically, philosophically, and practically, happiness is a vital word. But for too long we’ve distanced the gospel from what Augustine, Aquinas, Pascal, the Puritans, Wesley, Spurgeon, and many other spiritual giants said God created us to desire and what he desires for us: happiness.

We need to reverse this trend! Let’s redeem the word happiness in light of both Scripture and church history. Our message to the world should not be “Don’t seek happiness,” but “You’ll find in Jesus the happiness you have always been seeking.”

 

[RiverOL]

Do You Really Value Your Values?​

As we strive to determine our values, it is important for us to learn how to be honest with ourselves. Our knee-jerk reaction to the topic of values thrusts us to spout out the answers we think we should have, like children in school who have learned how to regurgitate the correct answers on command.
It’s easy to say we value truth or peace or love. But do we? Are these truly our values or are they the masks our true longings hide behind?

False Manifestations​

One way to determine if your values are truly valuable to you is to test them against truth. We masquerade false harmony as a kind of peace. It is far from it. It’s easy for us to pretend as if quiet and peace are synonymous, but we know deep down they are not.
If we truly value peace, we understand that peace is a mixture of harmony and truth. It is a unity based on reality. When we suspend the facts of reality, the truth of our feelings or rightness itself, it is passivity, not peace, we promote.
For many, this indicates that peace is not really a value. A nagging disruption to unity, whether it is ignored or placated, is an assault on truth.

Your Deepest Desire​

The question that has to be answered is whether or not peace (or truth, or love, or whatever we are claiming) is actually the value to which we ascribe or if there is something else we are pursuing.

If we do so, we will discover one of two things as a result.


First, we will discover that something else matters more than truth. We like when others tell us the truth, but when are we willing to look past it? The most common answer is when the falsity makes us look good in the eyes of others. Flattery is a value we often desire more than truth itself. We will lie to others, even subconsciously to ourselves, if the end result is our power, our prestige, our like-ability elevated.

The second discovery is the very opposite: that we actually value truth but are afraid of the consequences of pursuing it. It is vital for us to be honest about whether this is the case. Are we so in love with our stated values that we will sacrifice superficial gain to realize them? Things like fear and doubt and the pressure of circumstances can shift us into behavior not in alignment with our values.
We sometimes mimic what is being done all around us because it is easier, safer. The question is whether we do so in a shift away from our core values or if safety and ease, or something similar, is the true value.

Values​

Either way, we have discovered why we do the things we do. Our stated and realized values may not align. We may want to be better. There is a long road ahead, but it is possible to adopt new values. What we need is to chase truth, including honesty about our current reality, with reckless abandonment.
In doing so, we provide a path for living in abundance, fulfillment, and accordance with the unique vision for our lives.

 

[RiverOL]

“Micro-Cheating” and What Counts as Infidelity?​

Today, a friend reached out to me and shared an article from Women’s Health magazine on “Microcheating” and what most couples consider to be a form of infidelity. As you can imagine, nearly everyone agrees that sex with someone other than your spouse is cheating, but this article pointed out a large “gray area” where people couldn’t seem to agree on what’s off limits and what’s not.


I certainly don’t see it as my job to referee everyone’s relationship, but as a pastor and marriage teacher, I feel a sense of responsibility to weigh in on these important issues. In my experiences with working with couples from all over the world and also researching what the Bible and modern research has to say about what makes a marriage work, I’m convinced that there are at least ten non-sexual forms of infidelity.

The culture might refer to these as “micro-cheating” but I’d still just call it cheating. “Infidelity” just means broken trust and anytime you break your spouse’s trust it’s a form of infidelity whether sex was involved or not. Sexual affairs can certainly be the most devastating form of infidelity, but these ten forms of cheating can also be destructive. If ANY of these are happening (or being considered) in your marriage, please take immediate action before it’s too late!

Here are ten types of cheating that don’t involve sex (and how to avoid them all). Not all of these involve another person; some simply involve a failure of the vows you made to your spouse. All are different but all are potentially devastating to a marriage. In no particular order…

Anger is natural, but we have to learn to control it, because we tend to make our worst decisions when we're angry.

1. Constant Criticism, Neglect or ANY form of Abuse.

Abuse in marriage doesn’t always involve physical violence. In fact, the most common forms of abuse leave no marks on the body, but they leave deep scars on the soul. If your words to your spouse are constantly critical, you’re breaking your marriage vows and breaking your spouse’s heart. If you view your spouse as an interruption instead of a priority, you’re being unfaithful. If you mistreat your spouse, you’re “cheating” even if no sexual act of infidelity is involved.

#2 might seem innocent, but it’s very dangerous…

2. Hiding the fact that you’re married.

If you are intentionally hiding your status as a married person or you’re projecting “availability” through flirting, slipping off a wedding ring, acting single around your single friends or at bars, etc., then you’re WAY out of bounds. Those subtle acts of deceit are in themselves forms of infidelity even if they never lead to a sexual affair.

#3 can be SO harmful to your marriage…

3. Giving your primary loyalty to someone or something other than your spouse.

If you are giving your primary loyalty to your parents ahead of your spouse, you’re actually committing an act of infidelity. If you’re more concerned with your friends than with your spouse, you’re essentially cheating. If you’re consistently giving your strongest loyalty to your career ahead of your spouse, you’re being unfaithful. If we could grasp this responsibility to give our first and best loyalty to our marriage, our marriages would instantly and dramatically improve.

#4 might be the most common form of infidelity; and yet, most people refuse to admit that it’s wrong…

​

4. Porn, Erotica and graphic Romance Novels
When you’re acting out sexual fantasy apart from your spouse, it’s an act of mental infidelity. All true intimacy and all infidelity begins in the mind; not in the bedroom. If your eyes and your thoughts are wandering away from your spouse, then your heart is going to follow. Two thousand years ago, Jesus taught that “..to look at a woman lustfully is to commit adultery with her in your heart.” Don’t just be physically monogamous. Strive to be mentally monogamous.
#5 is something people often justify doing, but it’s destructive…

5. “Checking out” other people OR following an ex on social media.

I’ve heard people joke that, “Just because I’m on a diet doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu!” Whether it’s an old flame or just a good looking guy/girl passing by on the street, they’re usually referring to the idea that checking out someone is “harmless” as long as they look but don’t touch. What they fail to realize is that the very act of looking and lusting objectifies others, creates insecurity through unfair comparisons for our spouse and subtly pulls your thoughts away from your marriage. Keep your eyes and your heart focused on your spouse!

#6 is the biggest enemy of intimacy in marriage...

6. Keeping secrets from your spouse.

In marriage, secrets are as dangerous as lies. Marriage MUST be built on a foundation of total transparency and trust. You must prioritize trust and transparency in the marriage ahead of your own personal privacy. Unless you’re planning a surprise party or hiding a holiday gift, there are no places for secrets in marriage. Anytime you’re having a conversation, making a purchase, sending a text message, doing an internet search or doing anything else you hope your spouse never finds out about, your secrecy is actually an act of infidelity.

#7 needs to be off limits for a marriage to survive...

7. Threatening divorce.

Divorce has become far too casual in our society. We assume that the moment the marriage becomes difficult, it must mean that we married the “wrong” person and need to start over again with someone new. When we threaten divorce, we’re breaking the sacred trust that makes a marriage work. We’re saying our vows don’t matter and our commitment is conditional on our feelings. View struggles in your marriage as an opportunity to work together to become stronger; not as an excuse to quit.

#8 is an actual affair but it doesn’t necessarily involve sex...

8. Emotional Affairs.

Emotional affairs often lead to sexual affairs, but they’re also an act of infidelity in themselves. They take place when we start secretly seeking the affection and attention of someone other than our spouse. They often begin innocently with a natural connection you share with someone at work (or wherever), but lines can be quickly crossed.

#9 is a telltale sign of a person who doesn’t know what it means to be a good spouse...

9. Refusing to admit fault or sincerely apologize.

When you refuse to admit fault, make excuses for your actions, blame your spouse instead of taking responsibility or fail to sincerely apologize, you’re committing an act of infidelity. Some of the most powerful and healing words in a marriage are, “I was wrong. I’m truly sorry. Please forgive me and give me the opportunity to rebuild the trust I’ve broken.”

#10 leads to so much heartache in marriage and it’s completely preventable...

10. Not showing up when your spouse needs you.

Your spouse should never have to face any struggle without your presence, your partnership and your support. When you said “I do” you were making a vow to be there for each other. To withhold your help or selectively choose your involvement based on your convenience is to communicate disloyalty to your spouse and to commit and act of infidelity. Our subtle forms of selfishness and abandonment can be some of the most destructive acts of infidelity. Always be there for each other!


If any of these negative actions are happening in your marriage, please don’t lose hope! Check out our online program for couples in crisis at FightingForMyMarriage.com.

 

[RiverOL]

The Healing Prayer (Saint Ambrose) (Part 1/5)​

Thee alone I follow, Lord Jesus, Who heals my wounds. For what shall separate me from the love of God, which is in Thee? Shall tribulation, or distress, or famine? I am held fast as though by nails, and fettered by the bonds of charity. Remove from me, O Lord Jesus, with Thy potent sword, the corruption of my sins. Secure me in the bonds of Thy love; cut away what is corrupt in me. Come quickly and make an end of my many, my hidden and secret afflictions.

Open the wound lest the evil humor spread. With Thy new washing, cleanse in me all that is stained. Hear me, you earthly men, who in your sins bring forth drunken thoughts: I have found a Physician. He dwells in Heaven and distributes His healing on earth. He alone can heal my pains Who Himself has none. He alone Who knows what is hidden can take away the grief of my heart, the fear of my soul: Jesus Christ. Christ is grace! Christ is life! Christ is Resurrection! Amen.

So Saint Ambrose prayed and so we can pray as well. Ambrose was a poet and scholar who lived in difficult times. The world as he had known it would soon die, but Ambrose kept doing his duty and so gave us Saint Augustine. Augustine had the boldness to write a long book in Latin just as it looked likely nobody would be reading any books, especially in Latin.
Augustine was calm and he carried on.

What did such people pray in times far more perilous than any we will face?
They prayed to be better people and to be spared the ravages of the age if they could. Given the way of the world, people are allowed by the Good God to face the consequences of their decisions, they probably would not be spared every consequence of the bad decisions of the Western emperors. The East was different, better rulers doubled down on prudent decisions and Christianity as a unifying force.They would gain one thousand years of high culture, stand as a bulwark against barbarism, and be ready to seed a rebirth in the west of the Mediterranean world.


The prayer begins with the important reason for Jesus and prayer: healing our wounds. My wounds, God and people forgive me, are caused by bad behavior to other people. My lack of love is my real problem, not my death. I will die, that is God’s severe mercy. Who would continue forever, deathless, just as we are? Every fairy tale warns of this doom. We would grow bored, stale, ugly and small. Our own mistakes would accumulate until we were driven mad. Instead, Christianity gives us theosis, becoming like God, and so gives us life in eternity.
Hurrah!

Heal our wounds Lord, our real wounds. If we are united with you, then tribulation, distress, and famine may still come. The world is broken, Christians know this, and nothing can stop nature, wheeling out of control due to sin, from throwing up problems. Humans act with hubris and do what we should not. We treat animals as objects, not fellow created beings. We do all we do to each other and to creation and so make horrible outcomes. God has mercy, but God also allows us to reap what we sow. The good news is that eternity exists to bring justice with mercy. Now is the time to throw ourselves on the mercy of the eternal Judge.


Prayer works. I was once very sick, baffling my doctor, and my dad prayed for me and I was well. Thank God.
God heals when God can. Why doesn’t God always heal?
In the complex interaction of what is with what is best, God does what is best for us (even as individuals) in the light of eternity! That is not always what we ask, just now, but it is what is best, truest, and most beautiful. There is, as Jane Eyre puts it, “another world” and so we are not afraid. We can love our neighbor and even our enemies.
God save our Republic and God save each one of us.

 

[RiverOL]

The Healing Prayer (Saint Ambrose) (Part 2/5)​

Thee alone I follow, Lord Jesus, Who heals my wounds. For what shall separate me from the love of God, which is in Thee? Shall tribulation, or distress, or famine? I am held fast as though by nails, and fettered by the bonds of charity. Remove from me, O Lord Jesus, with Thy potent sword, the corruption of my sins. Secure me in the bonds of Thy love; cut away what is corrupt in me. Come quickly and make an end of my many, my hidden and secret afflictions. Open the wound lest the evil humor spread. With Thy new washing, cleanse in me all that is stained.

Hear me, you earthly men, who in your sins bring forth drunken thoughts: I have found a Physician. He dwells in Heaven and distributes His healing on earth. He alone can heal my pains Who Himself has none. He alone Who knows what is hidden can take away the grief of my heart, the fear of my soul: Jesus Christ. Christ is grace! Christ is life! Christ is Resurrection! Amen.

We ask God, who is good, to do what we wish He would do. Sometimes He does and those miracles are brilliant blessings. I have experienced a few, even of healing, in my own life. Often things go as God designed the cosmos to go, because this is better. God is not whimsical and the order, pattern, and laws of Nature, ideas in His eternal Mind, are good for the whole. God can do anything that is just, but God will not do anything that is not optimum. He has all of eternity to bring justice to each individual and He will. We always will find healing, mercy, and grace in God if we cry out to Him.*

We wish God was Jeeves, Bunter, or some other cosmic butler doing what is best for us now, leaving eternity out of it. As always, I am finding it hard to care for eternity when people I love are imperiled in the short term by a plague year. God knows that as well and in the person of Jesus Christ came and experienced our pain. He is speeding history to a resolution, but knows the pain of the present. No tear will be forgotten and every heart cry of any of God’s children will be heard.


That is hopeful and by faith, hope made substantial through reason and experience, I love God. No other possible being has the knowledge, the power, the time, and the will to make all things good, true, and beautiful.
What binds me to God even in these hard times is love! I am fettered by the bonds of charity. These are sweet bonds indeed. Having started badly in life, I am glad that a loving doctor has had mercy on me in healing my soul.

This healing was, is, and will come again. In times of physical sickness, Ambrose is reminding us that none of us “win” at physical life. This life must end and though we are thankful to the physicians and health care workers for all they do, they can only do so much. We are “mortal man doomed to die.” We pray for peace in our time and take joy in the Lord, but there is more to life than physical life.


There is another world: the metaphysical. May I be more loving, less judgmental, more given to acts of kindness. This is a Lenten season, liturgically and culturally, when we look for mercy and the coming Spring. We are sick, sometimes afraid, and could use help. The great Physician loves us and will make us well if we ask him. We pray for the inclination, the power, and even the grace to become not merely human, but divinely humane. We pray for mercy in our grief and fear. He who knows our grief and fear stands in solidarity with us and works skillfully and as quickly as He can to make us whole.
Thanks be to God.

 

[RiverOL]

I have found a physician who is always on call: The Healing Prayer (Saint Ambrose) (Part 3/5)​

Thee alone I follow, Lord Jesus, Who heals my wounds. For what shall separate me from the love of God, which is in Thee? Shall tribulation, or distress, or famine? I am held fast as though by nails, and fettered by the bonds of charity. Remove from me, O Lord Jesus, with Thy potent sword, the corruption of my sins. Secure me in the bonds of Thy love; cut away what is corrupt in me. Come quickly and make an end of my many, my hidden and secret afflictions.

Open the wound lest the evil humor spread. With Thy new washing, cleanse in me all that is stained. Hear me, you earthly men, who in your sins bring forth drunken thoughts: I have found a Physician. He dwells in Heaven and distributes His healing on earth. He alone can heal my pains Who Himself has none. He alone Who knows what is hidden can take away the grief of my heart, the fear of my soul: Jesus Christ. Christ is grace! Christ is life! Christ is Resurrection! Amen.

Doctors and Jesus have long been associated with each other. Jesus engaged in a healing ministry, He introduced what a man could do if he was willing to operate in perfect harmony with God. Jesus indirectly confirmed the normal role of a physician with the healing of our physical bodies:

And when the Pharisees saw this, they said to his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” 12But when he heard it, he said, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. 13Go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’ For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Jesus was a living icon, demonstrating truth by action. He ate with sinners (and tax collectors!), because His role was to help sick souls. He had mercy on the sinner, the way a physician has mercy on the sick. The good doctor brings his patient to health and does not work with money as his ultimate reward or goal. During the pandemic of 2020, we see many examples of doctors who work with health as the end goal.* That is the good physician of the body.


Jesus was the good physician of our sick souls, our primary source of troubles.
Just as Jesus cared for the physical and the spiritual man, so has the church. Saint Luke, traditionally called a medical doctor, was an early follower of the Faith. Numerous saints, such as Cosmas and Damien, are called “unmercenary,” because they were physicians who charged nothing. More modern saints, Saint Luke the Physician, a progressive and innovative surgeon, are examples of a seamless integration of medicine and Faith over the history of the Church. Where the Church goes, hospitals are built.

We know, have always known, that a sick person prays for healing of the body, looking for a miracle, and goes to the doctor to find what God has revealed to them. A Christian doctor uses the best methods of her time, but looks to God as the ground for all she does. I have experienced healing that came by prayer and much good healing from medicine. The physician is the normal means for helping the physical! The Church supports this work, but also guides the ethics of the medical doctor. The physicians are God-inspired experts on the body, but knowing what should be, what true healing is? That is the work of the Church.

 

[RiverOL]

He alone can heal my pains Who Himself has none: The Healing Prayer (Saint Ambrose) (Part 4/5)​

Thee alone I follow, Lord Jesus, Who heals my wounds. For what shall separate me from the love of God, which is in Thee? Shall tribulation, or distress, or famine? I am held fast as though by nails, and fettered by the bonds of charity. Remove from me, O Lord Jesus, with Thy potent sword, the corruption of my sins. Secure me in the bonds of Thy love; cut away what is corrupt in me. Come quickly and make an end of my many, my hidden and secret afflictions.

Open the wound lest the evil humor spread. With Thy new washing, cleanse in me all that is stained. Hear me, you earthly men, who in your sins bring forth drunken thoughts: I have found a Physician. He dwells in Heaven and distributes His healing on earth. He alone can heal my pains Who Himself has none. He alone Who knows what is hidden can take away the grief of my heart, the fear of my soul: Jesus Christ. Christ is grace! Christ is life! Christ is Resurrection! Amen.

Jesus Christ was fully God and fully man. He had a full human nature existing in synergy with the Divine nature. A pernicious heresy, damnable, is that Jesus had only one will and to associate that will with the Divine.*
Jesus was God: willing as God willed. Jesus was a man: willing as a man wills. This matters, because when death came to drag our human will to the place where dead men go, the hook in His human will worked. Jesus went to Hades. Death’s error was to forget that putting a God-man in Hades was asking for a triumphant victory of Jesus over death and Hades.

The God-man burst the bonds, destroyed the gates of Hades, and triumphed over the devils.
The two wills of Jesus in historical fact stayed in cooperation with each other: the creative tension that in lesser cases is called theosis. God became man so we could become God. We hesitate before this great truth, the power boggles our minds. We cannot contain God’s essence, but we can reflect the very energies, the uncreated Light of God. That is a divine work and if we mostly fail, that is on our weak love, our fear, our refusal to see that God has opened great joy for us in the person of Jesus Christ.


This is true, but already a wrong focus. Jesus made this possible and Jesus must be the focus or we will run to madness. Fairy tales, wiser than any social media thread because they are tempered by centuries not seconds, warn that too much glory without humility will kill us. The glory comes from Jesus and Jesus shares that glory with us gladly, but the joy is too much for us without His grace.

Jesus, God-man, came and died as a man, so that we all might live. The life comes from Him, so we begin in Him and are sustained by Him. This does not reduce us to Him, because He loves us as brothers and sisters. He chooses to give us life that invigorates our self as our self would be if all our choices had been proper and we had never fallen short of the Glory of God.

I love Jesus because Jesus is beautiful. If Jesus did nothing else, He lived a life that was good, full of grace, truthful, and merciful. This is the life I wish to emulate.
Yet I cannot do so.
I am dead in my many failures. Where do I go, given where I have come from?
Jesus: the man who became a dead man walking to help all of us.


Jesus died, because He willed to do so and defeated death. Jesus gives me hope that death is not the end. He gives me hope that the One who did the right thing is willing to apply his victory to my account. Hope, one might think, is not enough. We need more.
And so we are given faith: substantial hope.

The grief in our heart is removed. Our fear is taken. We can look beyond the now to a Love that moves the Heavens and the stars. This is good news and the longer we examine our hopes and dreams, the more we discover they are hard reality. Christianity is the myth that is true, the dream that is a waking reality, and an idea that is eternally present in the Mind of God.
Why care?
The God-man makes it possible for us to be men who are godlike. We need not settle: we can see the Divine and be transformed. Thanks be to God.

 

[RiverOL]

Christ is grace! Christ is life! Christ is Resurrection!: The Healing Prayer (Saint Ambrose) (Part 5/5)​

Thee alone I follow, Lord Jesus, Who heals my wounds. For what shall separate me from the love of God, which is in Thee? Shall tribulation, or distress, or famine? I am held fast as though by nails, and fettered by the bonds of charity. Remove from me, O Lord Jesus, with Thy potent sword, the corruption of my sins. Secure me in the bonds of Thy love; cut away what is corrupt in me. Come quickly and make an end of my many, my hidden and secret afflictions.

Open the wound lest the evil humor spread. With Thy new washing, cleanse in me all that is stained. Hear me, you earthly men, who in your sins bring forth drunken thoughts: I have found a Physician. He dwells in Heaven and distributes His healing on earth. He alone can heal my pains Who Himself has none. He alone Who knows what is hidden can take away the grief of my heart, the fear of my soul: Jesus Christ. Christ is grace! Christ is life! Christ is Resurrection! Amen.

Today I had a long teleconference with some wonderful people . . .the kind that make you glad to be part of the Church. They were concerned about the world, but calm and carrying on. They showed courage: a rational understanding of the medical and economic dangers of the times with a refusal to panic or retreat into daydreams.
What if feelings of panic arise? What if we grow tired and wish to retreat to endless TCM movies?

We begin in prayer honest to God admitting how we really feel. Our feelings, one pastoral counselor once said to me, are our feelings. Like the weather, they are there, we are not always responsible for them, and need not judge them. They are. Having said they are, we can then decide if they are a sign to do anything.
If I read an article proclaiming our imminent doom, feelings of panic might arise. I should then stop, put the article down and ask: “What would I do differently? Can I really, at this point, prepare for what is being described?”

“Perhaps when the doom develops, the best strategy would be to love God, love my neighbor, and do my duty?” If RMS Culture has ripped open too many watertight compartments, then let’s face the uncertain future like ladies and gentlemen. We misunderstand the expression “the band played on.” Those noble men played on to calm passengers and because if the end is coming what better way to meet it than music? Instead of panic, let’s play on. At the worst, we will have left a legacy of courage.


But then the worst almost never happens and I can just as easily pick up an article full of good news that tells me that soon, in a few months, if we do not panic, that all will be well. In fact, having learned a thing or two, we will be in very good times indeed. When I read this, then feelings of euphoria, might bring needed calm. There is still much that can be done and needs to be done. Normal duties must get focused attention.

I should then stop, put the article down and ask: “What would I do differently? Can I really, at this point, prepare for what is described?” “Perhaps when the good days come the best ‘strategy’ would be to love God, love my neighbor, and do my duty?” If V.V. Day is coming soon, if a long shot therapy pans out and we celebrate victory of the virus, then we can celebrate our heroes: the medicos on the front lines, the researchers, the companies who kept us going. Meanwhile, the rest of us will have won our bit and enjoy some jollification. At the best, we will have left a legacy of courage.
Most likely, we will muddle through between the two extremes. Our feelings of irrational panic or euphoria were not “bad,” though acting on them might be!


All of this comes to me as I have prayed for five days the prayer of Saint Ambrose, because the prayer focuses on the real problem for me: sin, falling woefully short of love. The outcome of the particular problems of Rome, and Rome had grave general and plaguish particular problems in Ambrose’s day, are not the focus. Eternal things are the key in this prayer for healing. We wish for healing of our bodies, yet our deepest desire is to become healed in our hearts. We hope all are healed in their hearts, if they wish to be healed.

What is the response of such an honest prayer? What happens when we name our fears and false euphoria and look past them to eternity? We gain every so often an eternal vision. We see what is true, what Saint John saw at the end of his visions. Foolishly, we recall his apocalypse for the figures he paints, the terrors of the world he acknowledges, but all of that is dismissed at the end in perfect beauty, justice, and joy. Only a coward gets stuck in Inferno, fails to follow Dante through his Purgatory. The final meaning comes when Dante, a mortal man, sees utterly sublime beauty and then returns to Earth. He does not stay in Paradise, but comes back and gives us a divine Comedy.

We can take our own glimpse of heaven and shout eternal truth: Christ is grace! Christ is life! Christ is resurrection! We do not shout this in heaven. We proclaim this in prayer here in Middle Earth as we work out our salvation in fear and trembling. We feel, we think, we pray, we proclaim, then we act.

Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on us.

 

[RiverOL]

Coronavirus, Christian Mindfulness, and Meditation​

Are you anxious about Coronovirus? Or are there other things weighing you down? Are you looking for new ways to cope with the stress of ordinary life? Perhaps you are somehow bumbling along just about managing but underneath you know your rushing around and over-extended lifestyle is ultimately unsustainable. Are you getting close to burnout?

For many people either their own situation or an international concern like the current epidemic suddenly punctures their sense of safety and security. Is anybody really as safe as we like to imagine we are? Actually according to the Bible having our eyes open to how short our lives are is the route to wisdom.We are like the grass that quickly withers away (1 Peter 1:24-25). Since in ordinary times we never think about our own impending death perhaps that is one reason why wisdom is in such short supply today.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”
‭‭(Psalms‬ ‭90:12,‬ ‭NIV)​

People who have faced their mortality due to a life-threatening diagnosis often feel rather alone. Our Western culture spends most of the time trying to forget our frailty, and pretending that we will live if not for ever at least for a very long time. Suddenly with the rate the coronavirus is spreading many healthy people are experiencing health anxiety. We don’t know whether this global pandemic will as some point fizzle out or if we are dealing with a major event that will go down in history like some sort of modern plague.

For some of us whether it is simply the day to day worries of work or family life, or a significant season of personal suffering, or indeed a national or international crisis we allow ourselves to become burdened. We try and solve all the problems we see. We try to be a saviour. Essentially we are trying to be God. You are not as much of an expert as you think you are. I too am certainly not a font of knowledge or wisdom. Truth is there is much that we need to somehow learn to butt our noses out of and leave to those who’s job it is to think about such high matters.

This constant sense of agitation which last year was all about Brexit for us Brits, and this year for the world seems to be largely about Coronavirus has many of us trying to carry burdens we are simply not designed to carry.


It is natural to be anxious at times and it is not a sin. But we are encouraged to cast our burdens onto Jesus who cares for us. We might have to do that several times a day.
Christian Mindfulness and meditation is one tool we can use to learn to still our minds and focus on the presence of Jesus, learning to trust him.

 

[RiverOL]

God’s Promise to Joshua And Believers: A Bible Study And Commentary​

Read how God encouraged Joshua (and us) after Moses’ death to lead Israel into the Promised Land.

Joshua 1:2-3​

After Joshua was taking over for Moses who had passed away, God must have known Joshua needed encouragement, so He told Joshua, “Moses my servant is dead. Now therefore arise, go over this Jordan, you and all this people, into the land that I am giving to them, to the people of Israel. Every place that the sole of your foot will tread upon I have given to you, just as I promised to Moses” (Joshua 1:2-3), so God was telling Joshua that He had promised Moses that Israel would enter the land that He was giving them, so Joshua was not to worry over that since “Every place that the sole of your foot will tread upon I have given to you, just as I promised to Moses.”


Did the promise of God change with leadership of Israel?
How can God say the land has been given to them even before they enter it?
Why did God tell Joshua what he already knew, that Moses was dead?

Joshua 1:5​

After God tells Joshua that they would take the land, He tells Joshua, “No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you” (Joshua 1:5), so that must have been encouraging, because we know that God was with Moses and as it was said, he spoke to God face to face, as a man would a friend, so Moses’ intimate relationship with God would be continued with Joshua and reminded Him, “I will be with you” just like I was with Moses, and just as with Moses, “I will not leave you or forsake you.”
Do you think this encouragement speaks to you?
In what ways?
Why did God have to remind Joshua that He wouldn’t leave him or forsake him?


Didn’t he know this already?

Joshua 1:6​

In one of the most beloved verses in the Bible, God tells Joshua after Moses had died, to “Be strong and courageous, for you shall cause this people to inherit the land that I swore to their fathers to give them” (Joshua 1:8), so this is actually a command to be courageous and strong for the people, because if Joshua had wavered in doubt, then the people would have also doubted, because when leadership is anxious and fearful and worried, it tends to spread like a virus…fear is contagious.
Do you find things easier when you know someone who is courageous is leading an effort to do something?
How does fear spread?
What does it mean “be strong?”
Wasn’t Joshua already strong?

Joshua 1:7​

Once again, God repeats what is important, or He wouldn’t repeat it, so He says again to Joshua, “Only be strong and very courageous, being careful to do according to all the law that Moses my servant commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may have good success wherever you go” (Joshua 1:7). Notice that Joshua is reminded again to be strong and courageous but in doing so, be careful to do what God had commanded in the law by Moses. They were not to turn one foot to the left or to the right, but stay firmly in the middle of God’s will and only then will they “have good success wherever (they) go.”


What does it mean to not turn to the right hand or to the left?
What law was God referring to when mention the law that Moses commanded?
Does obeying the law have anything to do with success in the new land?

Joshua 1:8​

We know what God was referring to when speaking of the law that He gave Moses by telling Joshua, “This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success” (Joshua 1:8). There seems to be a conditional statement that God says it will be prosperous for them if they Book of the Law doesn’t depart from their mouth and they forget to meditate on it, both day and night.
What does it mean to “meditate on it day and night?”
How do you mediate on the law?
What does it mean that “the Law shall not depart from your mouth?”

Joshua 1:9​

If someone repeats something to you then it must be important. When I was learning how to drive, I had my brother (who taught me how to drive) remind me several times about looking out for traffic when pulling out. He said it no less than 3 times, so in a similar fashion, God often repeats things that are very important, and here again God tells Joshua, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9). For the third time in just a few sentences, God reminds Joshua that he must be courageous and not be dismayed and the reason Joshua can be strong and courageous is only because “the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” My son when he was very young was afraid of the dark, but when I was with him in his bedroom, he wasn’t afraid. Even though it was still dark in his room, he knew I was with him so he was not afraid or dismayed.


Why would God repeat the command to be strong and courageous three times?
Have you ever found yourself repeating something very important?
Does God being with you give you courage?

 

[RiverOL]

6 Signs that a Spouse is Considering Divorce​

Almost every day, I receive messages online from a spouse who believes the other spouse might be cheating or pulling away, or at the very least, hiding something. This puts the doubting spouse in a frustrating predicament of wanting to know the truth, but not knowing how to proceed without seeming paranoid or making false accusations.

I’m a little apprehensive about doing this, because I don’t want to cause unnecessary doubts or fights in a marriage. Still, I strongly believe that this is information you need to have. I’ve discovered a clear and consistent set of behaviors that often signal that ADULTERY, DISHONESTY AND/OR APATHY is happening in a marriage. I’m going to list these behaviors below. I believe that these seven behaviors represent the main warning signs.

These warning signs listed below are clear indicators that something is off in the marriage. If you see ANY of these six behaviors being exhibited by you or by your spouse, please take immediate action to address the issues before it becomes too late. If your marriage is currently in crisis, please don’t lose hope. Please check out our new program for couples in crisis at FightingForMyMarriage.com.

Here are the 6 most common signs of a spouse who is pulling away (in no particular order)…

1. He/She is overly critical of everything you do. He/She seems annoyed or offended by the way you do even the smallest daily tasks (even if those some things never seemed to bother him/her before).

As a spouse starts pulling away from the marriage, he/she wants to justify the affair and/or their desire to plan a future that doesn’t include you. He/she falsely justifies it by making you, the faithful spouse, seem like a terrible person. Meanwhile, he/she is most likely fixating on his/her cheating partner or a person he/she fantasizes about being with and seeing this other person as “perfect” by comparison. Of course, all of this is a delusion fueled by lust and selfishness, but the faithful spouse becomes verbally mistreated in the process.

#2 often happens simultaneously with #1. #2 is also a common trait among Sociopaths and Narcissists…

2. He/She sees him/herself as either the VICTIM or the HERO in every situation (never the one at fault).

Another part of the mental coping mechanism for a spouse who is pulling away is to refuse to take responsibility for his/her actions. He/she will have a difficult time seeing it as “wrong.” To make this twisted view of reality work, he/she is forced to redefine reality where he/she is NEVER in the wrong about anything. When things are going well, he/she plays the hero. When things are going badly, he/she plays the victim. They refuse to see fault in themselves. They’re never the “bad guy” in the story even when confronted by the clear evidence of their sin.

#3 is probably the MOST common sign of adultery and/or dishonesty in marriage…

3. He/She is secretive with their cell phone (or tablet/computer) and gets defensive if anyone looks at it.

This is probably the most obvious one on the list! If a person is cheating, they’re going to be very concerned about getting caught, and the phone is the most common way people get caught. If your spouse is reluctant to let you see their phone (or if YOU are reluctant to show your phone to your spouse), then there are some serious trust issues at play. Even if infidelity isn’t happening, secrecy is a huge red flag in a marriage. Honesty and transparency pave the way to intimacy. Secrecy is the enemy of intimacy in marriage.

#4 often marks the beginning of a “mid-life crisis,” but it can also be a telltale sign of infidelity…

4. He/She starts paying much more attention to his/her appearance while also becoming more critical of (or indifferent towards) your appearance.

If he/she develops a sudden interest in fitness and fashion, that doesn’t automatically mean that he/she is on the prowl or trying to impress someone else, but it’s definitely something to talk about. If he/she is taking much more interest in his/her appearance while simultaneously becoming more critical (or completely ignoring) YOUR appearance, that’s a huge warning sign that adultery is happening or it could happen very soon unless something changes.

#5 will be quickly noticeable in your sex life if an affair is happening…

5. He/She shows less interest in sex (with you) but when sex is talked about he/she might suggest (or even pressure you for) new sex acts that you haven’t done before.

If your spouse is cheating (or planning on cheating), you’ll notice some changes in your sex life. He/she will probably be less interested in sex with you, but he/she might also start suggesting (or even demanding) new sex acts that you haven’t done or that you’ve done before but don’t like doing. This isn’t always a sign of an affair, but it’s very often the sign of heavy porn use by a spouse. It signifies that SOMETHING is going on that needs to be addressed.

#6 might be the first sign you notice indicating that something is definitely wrong in the marriage…

6. He/She isn’t home as much as usual and he/she seems to always be looking for excuses to be anywhere else.

In a healthy marriage, both spouses desire to be with each other and make efforts to be with each other. When one spouse starts pulling away to spend more time at work or with friends or with hobbies or to run random errands, it’s not always a sign of adultery, but it’s usually a sign that something is off in the marriage and needs to be addressed.

These six warning signs aren’t meant to be evidence against a spouse who might not be cheating. Rather, these are listed to give you some common warning signs and traits found in unfaithful spouses. Even if there’s no affair happening, I hope this simple list can spark some healthy dialogue between you and your spouse and building stronger trust, treating each other with respect and what it takes to safeguard your marriage from any form of infidelity.

 

[RiverOL]

4 Things You Should Never Ever Do in Marriage​

My great-grandfather was a wise, tough, hard-working Indiana farmer who was married for almost seventy years and together with my great-grandmother, raised nine children. He had a gift for boiling life’s challenges down to simple, memorable maxims. He once summed up the challenges of raising kids by saying, “Kids…When they’re little, they step on your toes. When they get bigger, they step on your heart.”


That quote has relevance to marriage as well. In marriage, there will be times when you “step on each other’s toes,” so to speak. But the really hurtful moments happen when you “step on each other’s hearts” and wound your spouse on an emotional level. There are times when one spouse might intentionally try to hurt the other, but I’m convinced that many of the most damaging wounds in marriage are inflicted unintentionally.

I’m convinced that there are times when we step on our spouses’ hearts and hurt their feelings or damage their trust without even realizing that we’re doing it. Most of us have blind spots that lead to unnecessary pain and conflict in the marriage.
If you want to protect your spouse’s heart, prevent unnecessary conflict and keep a solid foundation of trust in your marriage, then please DON’T do the following four things. You’ll unintentionally hurt your spouse every time you…

1. Only try to “fix” the problem.

Men especially tend to be “fixers” and we want to jump straight to solutions as soon as a problem pops up. But this can be an issue for both men and women. You must first take the time to listen to your spouse and connect with them. When you rush through that time to connect ,it communicates to them that they are unloved. There’s a time to talk solutions, but the first priority must always be to simply be there for each other and show your love for each other.

1. Make plans without consulting each other first.

Whenever you tell your spouse what the plans are instead of starting by asking their thoughts on the potential plans, you communicate disrespect. Consider your spouse first in every decision you make, because every one of your decisions will impact them in some way. When your buddies ask you to play golf on Saturday, instead of just saying “Yes,” say, “That sounds like fun, but let me check with my wife and see what we have going on this weekend.”

1. “Check out” other people.

If your head spins around every time an attractive person walks by, even if you don’t say a word, you’ve communicated a lot. Your spouse doesn’t just want you to be physically monogamous; they want you to be mentally monogamous. Your spouse wants to know you have eyes only for them. If you’re checking out other women, you’re damaging your wife’s confidence in herself AND her confidence in you. If you’re checking out other men, you’re communicating that your husband isn’t enough to meet your needs. Whether it’s someone on the street or on a screen, watch carefully where your eyes wander.

1. “Hide” your spouse instead of highlighting them.

If you try to keep your marriage compartmentalized or “separate” from the other parts of your life, you might think you’re just protecting your spouse, but you’re actually hurting them. This is revealed in things like not wearing a wedding ring, not posting pictures of the two of you together online, not having a picture of them prominently displayed on your desk at work or a million other little things that send the silent message that they’re not a central part of your life. Show the world that you’re married and you’re so proud, honored and thankful to be sharing your life with the spouse of your dreams!
Avoid these four common mistakes and you’ll be on the right track to building a stronger marriage. For additional tools to help you grow in your relationship with your spouse, check out all the resources at MarriageToday.com and our social media channels.

 

[RiverOL]

My Marriage is a Battleground: How Can We Stop Arguing So Much?​

How can you break the pattern of bitter disputes that can lead to the breakup of a marriage? This is a question that couples often ask me. For instance, Monica, 46, and Jeffrey, 48, seem to have the same intense disputes over and over again and they usually involve their two sons, ages 10 and 12, and how to discipline them. They rarely show appreciation and love for each other and are considering divorce.



According to Dr. John Gottman, many couples end up in a gridlock because they argue about the same things over and over again. These perpetual differences rarely get resolved (or even managed) because people show contempt for each other and say things like “You’re so selfish or so mean.” They literally look down on each other rather than showing love, appreciation and respect.

Dr. Gottman explains that contempt is the leading cause of divorce and the second leading cause of divorce is criticism. In practical terms, this means you blame your partner for the problems in the relationship and attribute them to a flaw in your partner, rather than seeing them as a mutual issue which you both take responsibility for and can work on. Instead adopt an attitude of attitude of “We’re in this together.”

In addition, relationship expert Howard Markman, a psychology professor at the University of Denver, encourages couples to improve their interactions by following four steps. These include: not allowing arguments to escalate, focusing on your partner’s positive qualities rather than attacking negative ones, avoiding negative interpretations of your partner’s comments; and avoiding stonewalling or withdrawing from each other. The strategies below highlight key aspects of Dr. Markman’s research (and Dr. Gottman) by breaking it down into five essential steps.


5 ways to break a pattern of negative communication with your partner:

1. Stop blaming your partner and avoid criticism. Take responsibility for your part in a dispute. According to Dr. John Gottman , who has studied couples in his Love Lab for over 50 years, talking about specific issues will reap better results than attacking your partner. For instance, a complaint is: “I’m upset because you didn’t tell me about booking a vacation with your sister. We agreed to be honest with each other and money is a concern due to my hours being cut.” Versus a criticism: “You always lie to me. How can I trust you?”

2. Practice resolving conflicts as they arise rather than stonewalling. Don’t put aside resentments that can destroy your relationship. Experiencing conflict is inevitable and couples who strive to avoid it are at risk of developing stagnant relationships. Dr.John Gottman recommends you avoid defensiveness and showing contempt for your partner (rolling your eyes, ridicule, name-calling, sarcasm, etc.). Engage in a conversation with your partner that is productive rather than shutting down. Sometimes couples can benefit from a short break before doing this as long as they get back to it within twenty-four hours.


3. Use a soft start up when you bring up an issue: Say how you feel, state the reason you’re upset, and ask for what you need. You can build a culture of appreciation and let your partner know how you feel and what you need to feel better by using “I Statement” rather than “You Statements.” For example, “You never clean up after yourself” is an effective way to communicate (as discussed above in bullet #1).

4. Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities – even as you struggle with their flaws – and express your positive feelings out loud several times each day. Dr. Gottman advises you to nurture fondness and admiration for your partner by searching for common ground rather than insisting on getting your way when you have a disagreement. Listen to their point of view and adopt Gottman’s rule of five- to-one ratio of interactions – meaning for every negative interaction, you need five positive ones.

5. Adopt realistic expectations of marriage and understand that a good committed relationship or marriage requires effort. The fantasy that there is a “perfect person” or soul mate and that good relationships should be easy can be damaging to your commitment to our partner.


Keep in mind that all couples have perpetual problems, even the ones who seem like sole mates. The thing to remember is that realistic expectations and better communication can keep resentment from building and causing serious problems. The best way to create a relationship built on love, trust, an intimacy is to take responsibility for our own actions and to practice acceptance and compassion for our partner.

 

[RiverOL]

Grabbing Some Solitude​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . he would withdraw to desolate places and pray—Luke 5:16​

Why are we men so bad at solitude? Our king did it quite well. As a man, Jesus knew his limitations. He understood his need to connect with his father—to his guidance and power. He knew how good that connection was. He wants us to know too. If it’s so good, though, why do we struggle? Well, it’s a little because we’re busy. Solitude is hard when you’re working and/or married and/or have kids and/or have friends. And, it’s a little because we’re not well practiced. Our culture trains us for motion and multitasking—not for slowing and simplifying. And it’s a little because, deep down, we know solitude means confrontation. You see, solitude removes distractions and leaves us, for a few minutes, alone with God the Holy Spirit. Solitude is sometimes defined as being alone, but we aren’t. The Spirit dwells within us (1 Corinthians 3:16). God’s right there. And we never know what might happen when we’re alone with God. He might ask us to stop something we don’t want to stop or start something we don’t want to start. He might. He does that (Hebrews 12:5). But if we avoid his confrontation, we’ll miss his companionship, counsel, comfort, restoration, and rescue. So, we must take courage. We must not worry that we don’t yet do it well. And, we must make solitude a priority, just as Jesus did.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Start small. Find something that works for you. Turn off devices and take a walk at work—at lunchtime or during a break. Get some air in your neighborhood after dinner. Slip outside just before bed and sit quietly in the dark. And, if you’re ready for more, take a half-day or full-day or overnight solo trip into the outdoors.

 

[RiverOL]

4 Reasons Why Keeping Secrets Can Destroy Your Marriage​

In my lifetime, I’ve experienced many reasons to mistrust partners stemming from my own background or being lied to. However, in recent years I’ve learned that keeping secrets from your partner is really a form of betrayal and leads to a lack of trust and intimacy in a relationship.



I used to believe that a breach of trust was something that couples could bounce back from quickly but I’ve gained insight about the ways this isn’t usually the case. For instance, most marriages don’t survive big betrayals or even a series of smaller ones. My current view is that finding healthy ways to be vulnerable, express your thoughts and feelings, and be honest with your partner, is the best way to build a trusting relationship. Vulnerability is the glue that holds a relationship together over the long run.

But is lying by omission or keeping a secret the same as lying? First, you want to consider how your partner would view your secret if he or she found out and you failed to tell them about it. Also, if you feel guilty or uneasy about not disclosing information to him or her, it’s a red flag you need to be honest or forthcoming about something you’ve kept a secret.

For instance, Christine failed to inform her husband Justin that she had charged twenty-five thousand dollars on her credit card for clothes and items for their new home. She explains: “I didn’t really see a reason to tell Justin because I was planning on paying off this debt but he saw my credit card bill laying on the kitchen counter and got very angry at me. I see now that I was becoming more emotionally detached from Justin and we stopped being intimate. But I just didn’t want him to judge me harshly or leave because he is very conservative with money.”


When I attempted to explore with Christine the reasons why honesty is essential to a trusting relationship, she put it this way: “I guess I never saw myself as being dishonest but I do feel guilty.” At this point, I asked her to consider that mistrust erodes the quality of any relationship and that keeping crucial information secret from Justin isn’t a way to build trust and intimacy with him. During our sessions, Christine realized that keeping secrets is a form of self-sabotage because she loves Justin and wants to build a future with him and keeping secrets was driving a wedge between them.

In fact, recent research shows that one in five people are keeping a major secret, such as infidelity or money troubles, from their spouse in Brittan. Surprisingly, a quarter of respondents in this study said they kept this secret for more than twenty-five years. Further, one in four of those people who kept a secret in this study said that it was so big; they worried that it would destroy their marriage. Common secrets reported include money troubles, viewing pornography, and various forms of betrayal such as infidelity.

When your partner withholds important information from you regardless of their reasons, it’s normal to feel betrayed. Experts agree that trust can be easily broken and hard to repair. For many people any form of deceit can be a deal breaker and even cause a couple to divorce.

4 reasons why it’s a bad idea to keep secrets:

1. Keeping secrets is the same thing as being dishonest. Honesty is always the best policy and most of us have a moral code which tells us that keeping secrets is akin to lying. For most of us, being dishonest is only acceptable when we are in dire straits – like trying to save someone’s life. Yet some people rationalize that they need to keep secrets or their relationship will end.
2. Often keeping secrets creates more problems in a relationship. The more time that passes, the harder it is to fess up. When people keep secrets or tell lies, they often have to tell other lies to cover up the first lie. They dig deeper and deeper into a hole of dishonesty.
3. Keeping major secrets is a form of deceit and it breeds mistrust. Further, once a person loses trust, it is hard to regain it – especially for those who have been betrayed by a parent or former romantic partner or spouse.
4. People are hurt by secrets and lies and this can destroy a relationship. It’s hard to feel emotionally connected to someone when you catch them in a lie or find out that they’ve kept a secret from you.

Mistrust is a lingering feeling in the back of your mind that your partner does not truly love you, or may abandon you. So much about trust is walking the talk. Your partner may tell you he/she loves you, but do his/her actions support that? All too often, when people aren’t feeling safe enough in a relationship to be honest and open with their partner, it’s because they don’t believe that their partner truly loves them or they are overly protective of their own interests.

 

[RiverOL]

7 Signs your Husband is Depressed and How to Help​

My wife, Ashley and I have both dealt with bouts of anxiety and depression over the years. In our work with couples from all over the world, we’ve seen that millions of couples are suffering in silence over issues of mental health and the unnecessary stigmas that these issues often carry. It’s our goal to help these struggling couples find freedom and lasting solutions. We know from experience how discouraging and isolating you can feel when depression or anxiety strikes, but remember you’re not alone. You will get through this.


I’m not a psychiatrist, so I’m not going to get too clinical here, but I do want to be very practical. In my own marriage and in my work with many other marriages, I’ve seen that depression and anxiety impact men in a different way than it impacts women. My wife Ashley has some excellent resources to help wives who are struggling with these same issues. She also has a powerful devotional that is helpful for both men and women. It’s called “31 Verses and Prayers for the Anxious Mind and Heart,” and it’s worth checking out if you or your spouse are struggling.

As a quick point of clarification, I’m defining “depression” and “anxiety” in fairly broad terms. When I speak of depression, I’m referring to a prolonged season of discouragement causing a person’s default mood to be one of sadness and causing a person to have a general numbness and/or negativity toward life. When I speak of anxiety, I’m referring to an unnatural lack of peace and a persistent feeling of nervousness or dread.
Before I start sharing solutions for those who are currently struggling with these issues, let me give you a quick recap of how anxiety and depression have impacted my marriage:


*Ashley struggled with a four-year battle with anxiety and depression that was offset by postpartum depression after the birth of our first son. Through those early struggles, we learned to lean on each other, trust in God and relentlessly pursue healing. Ashley went to Christian counseling, read books, surrounded herself with encouraging influences, took a prescribed antidepressant, and prayed for healing. I did my part to reassure her during this struggle, and while I didn’t always have the right words, I quickly learned that my steady presence meant more to her than my words ever could. I reassured her often of my love for her and my commitment to her and how God would carry us through this storm (which He did).

*I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression in various forms through the years. I’m generally a positive, upbeat guy, but I’m also prone to bouts of intense discouragement and melancholy. Walking through tragedies with close friends and relatives as I tried to minister to them has created seasons of great sadness. My goal-oriented drive has set me up for a lot of discouragement over the years when life hasn’t worked out as I’d hoped. That discouragement, when left unchecked, can morph into seasons of depression. I’ve also had some medical issues which have created anxiety.

I have a thyroid disorder which has negatively impacted my energy levels and caused my testosterone levels to plummet. I’ve actively sought the right treatments and medications to get my levels where they need to be, and I’m on the mend. But at my low points, I’ve had very little sex drive and performance anxiety related to sex stemming from low testosterone. For a guy in marriage ministry who writes and speaks on sex specifically, this often feels like a very intimate attack from Satan himself.

Since Ashley has the personal expertise and experience to address anxiety and depression in women, I’m going to focus on how it impacts men. Depression is like a fingerprint, it can look different for everybody. Despite its particular manifestations in each individual man, there seem to be some broad ways depression and anxiety impact men in general. Here are few of the warning signs.

Below are some warning signs that your husband might be struggling with anxiety and/or depression. I’ve been guilty of ALL of these at various points when I was struggling. Your husband might be battling with anxiety and/or depression if (in no particular order):

1. He seems to have lost interest in things that once excited him.
2. He is quick to react with anger and/or sadness, but slow to react with happiness or laughter.
3. He often “zones out” and seems distant.
4. He often escapes into distractions such as the internet.



5. He becomes irrational, impatient and easily-irritable.
6. He may increase food and/or alcohol intake as a means of coping.
7. He becomes fixated on negative thoughts.

If you’re seeing any of these in your husband, please help him. You can’t “fix” him, but your love and presence in his life can be part of the solution God uses to bring him healing and restoration. I know it can feel overwhelming to know where to start, and maybe your husband is pushing you away as you try to help him, but don’t give up. Ultimately has to decide that he needs help. You can’t make the decision for him, BUT you can point him in the right direction by doing the following things (in no particular order):

1. Encourage him to talk to a counselor. Most men have a negative stigma about counseling. It’s a blow to our pride to admit we need it, and we convince ourselves that “shrinks” are a waste of time. The truth is a qualified counselor can provide a positive breakthrough. I’ve personally experienced the positive impact of a great Christian counselor. Keep encouraging your husband to give it a try.

2. Pray for him. Prayer is powerful. God will use your prayers to change your situation, but He will also use your prayers to change your perspective. Pray for yourself as well. Pray for wisdom and strength. Keep praying. God is with you in this. God loves you and loves your husband. He will carry you through this and give you strength for the journey.



3. Balance encouragement and tough love. Speak words of life and hope to your husband. Keep reassuring him and encouraging him, BUT there might also be moments when you need to give tough love. If your husband isn’t taking any steps toward getting help, there will be moments when you need to say things like, “I love you no matter what. I’m here for you no matter what, but I love you too much to allow you to keep living like this. God has a better plan for you and a better plan for us a family. I’m not going anywhere, but I’m also not going to settle for this as the status quo. We are getting help. I’ll be with you every step of the way, but you need to take action. Let’s start with counseling. I’ll go with you if you’d like me to.”

4. If you feel that your husband might be a risk for suicide, intervene immediately. Suicide has become a leading cause of death for men. While women attempt suicide more often, men die by suicide more often because of the violent means they typically choose (guns, etc.). I don’t tell you this to frighten you or make you paranoid, but it’s important to be aware of the reality that when a man isn’t himself, the sadness can lead him to make terrible choices he wouldn’t usually make. To his irrational way of thinking, suicide can seem like a way to end the suffering, and he might even tell himself his family would be better off without him. If you feel your husband might be at risk, please talk to a counselor or call one of the many suicide prevention hotlines to find solutions and steps to intervene.



I know that these moments can feel incredibly discouraging and isolating, but you will get through this. I can tell you from experience that we serve a God who will never leave you or forsake you. I pray that Christ, “The Prince of Peace,” would bring peace to your hearts and your homes as you trust Him in these moments of great struggle. You will get through this, and it will become a powerful part of your testimony someday.
For more tips and tools to help build your marriage and your faith, please check out the many resources available at www.MarriageToday and www.XOmarriage.com.

 

[RiverOL]

5 Ways Parents Can Raise Leaders​

I want my children to grow up to be leaders. This doesn’t mean that I necessarily wish for them to be CEOs, or heads of state, or be in charge of large groups of people. But that’s not my definition of a leader. A leader is someone who obeys the calling God has for their lives. A person who isn’t swayed by popular opinion or the whims of the world. Leaders are not made by their title or position, but by their actions and their heart.

A leader leads and influences others by the way they live life and love others.

As a parent, you have the great honor of being able to help raise a future leader.

Here are five ways my husband and I parent our five sons to help build leadership qualities in them.

1. Let Them Fail ​

If you aren’t occasionally failing, you aren’t attempting to try new things. Many adults are ashamed of failing, but we never should be. Failing means we are trying, we are living, and we are learning. I want my boys to understand failure is the mark of a strong person who takes risks. Without failure, a future leader will never develop perseverance.

2. Praise Their Effort​

We all want our kids to have a solid sense of self-esteem, and it can be tempting to bolster their egos by letting them know how proud we are of everything they do. But constantly praising a bigger kid like he just won a Nobel Peace Prize when he only carried his socks to the hamper doesn’t serve him well; it will dilute the impact of your praise, and it can also reduce their motivation if they start to believe they are always amazing. Leaders are intrinsically motivated, not motivated by praise of the world.

3. Let Them Be Disappointed​

Of course children need to trust their parents for a feeling of safety and constancy. That doesn’t mean that we need to be all things to them at all times. It’s okay if they are disappointed they can’t join their friends for an afternoon movie, or you can’t play a game with them right now, or they can’t have the toy all of their friends want. Saying “no” is a part of parenting; learning how to handle minor letdowns will give them the skills to handle life’s bigger disappointments with maturity.

4. Let Them Do Their Own Work​

We’ve all heard the stories of parents contacting their college-aged students’ professors to ask why they didn’t get a 4.0. Of course that impulse comes from a place of love and concern, but at some point those “children” need to stand on their own two feet. I start young with my boys; for example, I don’t assist with projects unless they need something only an adult can do. On the wall in the classroom? It’s obvious that my boys’ projects are actually made by a child, not his parents.

5. Teach Them To Lead With Love​

Being a leader doesn’t mean you get to boss around your friends on the ball field, at school or out in the world. Real leaders influence others because of their love. Jesus modeled servant leadership to his disciples because real leadership, the kind that changes hearts and minds, always leads with love.

From the marketplace to the ministry to the playroom, as leaders ourselves, we are meant to raise up leaders around us.