In step

[RiverOL]

Choose Your Narrative Carefully​

There are all sorts of narratives out there. Stories we tell ourselves. Stories our family and friends tell us. Stories from society and advertising.
As far as we can tell, humans have always been fascinated with stories. The cave men drew stories on the walls. Jesus taught with parables more than any other method. Today, we have television and movies. Stories catch our imaginations, but they do much more than that. They tell our truths.



Our increasingly individualistic culture encourages us to choose our story. In a myriad of narratives, we have a choice about which story we believe. Since what we believe about ourselves shapes who we become, the stories we choose are vitally important. Choosing our narrative is important to the wellness of our character, community, and culture. We must do so with supreme caution and self-aware intention.

Truth​

At first glance, choosing a narrative seems simple enough. We choose whatever is best for us. We pick the narrative that makes us happiest. The one that makes the murky path of life easier to navigate. We choose the narrative that casts us as the hero.
We recently watched an episode of a reality TV show and, during a competition, one contestant cheered for another contestant. A third member of the cast was angry that the first was cheering for someone who was not him. He described the incident as “being attacked”. We hold so closely to the narrative of our own fame and prosperity that we make enemies of everyone around us.
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The major problem with this approach to narrative choosing is that it is not always true. Our world is becomingly increasingly estranged from the truth. We repeat what we celebrate. We believe the stories we repeat. And over and over again, this is our refrain: I am not to blame; I am justified in my feelings; Anyone not completely for me is completely against me.


The truth drifts further and further away. We use phrases like “perception is reality”. We are convinced that the narratives we believe are more true than facts. More real than reality. And in a world full of individuals, if we are all believing different stories, all sure we are the hero of the story, the conflicting narratives inevitably lead to hurt, mess, and confusion.

Values​

We are so deeply ingrained in this way of thinking, it is hard to see a way out. Experts at self-deception, we tell ourselves that our own good is The Good. How could the truth hurt? How could the truth cost me something? I’m the hero!
The reality is, the truth does hurt. Even heroes go through that. Truth ought to be the guiding light of our narrative. It should be the measure by which we select our stories. How we feel, what we think, and even what we believe are elements of the truth. But they are not The Truth. They are not the end of the narrative.

People in this world are desperate for meaning. We are longing to discover purpose. Deep inside all of us is a desire for belonging, to participate in community, to help others, and to discover the best version of ourselves. Unfortunately, we have an addiction to shortcuts. We want the flash fiction narrative rather than the epic. We don’t want to suffer to achieve our longings. But suffering is a necessary part of purpose. Because it hurts when we don’t understand, when we are out of control, and when the whole world does not revolve around us. It hurts when we can’t force our way, which leads us to finding ways better than our own.


As we choose the narratives we adopt, we must be careful how we are measuring the stories. How truly do they align with our values? Are we believing in the shortcuts and superficiality so prevalent in this world? Or are we choosing a narrative that understands and accepts the necessity of community and the weakness of our understanding? What we choose will not shape what is true, as much as we try. What we choose will affect our ability to participate in what is true…or fight against it.

 

[RiverOL]

Counting Sin’s Costs Can Help Foster Sexual Purity​

My goal in this series of blogs is for us to wake up and do what it takes in our own lives, families, churches, and ministries to confess and repent personally, as well as identify what is going on in our midst that fuels these things. If we can change things so that fewer Christian leaders fall, then there will be less need to talk about this! But neglecting to talk about it in a biblical and productive way has been one reason it’s happening far more.

Some Clarifications​

It’s ironic to see commenters not wanting to deal with this issue cite Ephesians 5:3, which says, “But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you.” What’s the actual meaning of this passage? It’s captured in the NIV: “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality” and the CSB: “But sexual immorality and any impurity or greed should not even be heard of among you.” Certainly, it does not mean “don’t talk about it,” but “don’t do it!” That’s obvious since Paul says in 1 Corinthians 5:1, “It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not tolerated even among pagans, for a man has his father’s wife. And you are arrogant! Ought you not rather to mourn?”

We’re told to “work out [NOT work for] your salvation with fear and trembling” (Philippians 2:12). This is not God placing demands on us so we can prove our worth. Our salvation and sanctification are about the worth of Jesus, and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit.
Our God loves us even when we fail, and that’s often when He reveals His love to us the most. “No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:39, NLT). Jesus invites us, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). He says, “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink” (John 7:37).

Jesus didn’t come to earth for righteous people but for sinners like you and me. He didn’t come to threaten us and make us dread Him, but to save us from threat and dread: “For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost” (Luke 19:10). He invites us to come back to Him again and again every time we fail and sin and hurt others.
Jesus was known derisively as a “friend of sinners,” but He was honored to wear that badge. Dane Ortlund says this in his book Gentle and Lowly:

You might know that Christ died and rose again on your behalf to rinse you clean of all your sin; but do you know his deepest heart for you? Do you live with an awareness not only of his atoning work for your sinfulness but also of his longing heart amid your sinfulness?

If you are living in sexual sin, whether you’re a Christian leader or a “regular” Christian, don’t despair. You can reach out to Him right now and confess and repent and with confidence say these inspired words to Him: “You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea” (Micah 7:19). It’s only if you do not confess and repent that you have reason for despair, for “it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God” (Hebrews 10:31).

What did Jesus mean when He said to an adulterous woman, “Go and sin no more” (John 8:11)? We know He didn’t mean He expected her to live a sinless life, since God says, “If we say we have no sin we deceive ourselves… If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar” (1 John 1:8,10). He meant “no longer live in sin.” He’s saying, “I have something far better for you.”

The problem when we react to the moral fall of a Christian leader by saying, “We’re all sinners,” is that it often means, “So what’s the big deal?”
Remembering the extremes and overstatements and legalism, many evangelicals now dismiss and ridicule “purity culture.” But in the process, we can end up ridiculing purity. Personally, I remember Christian students coming forward and committing themselves to pursue a life of purity. For some of them it meant a great deal and God used it in their lives. The problem with “purity culture” was that some turned it into a legalistic, rules-oriented self-righteousness in which people could boast, “I never kissed a girl until I married her.” (And in some cases, “I was so busy not kissing her that I never actually got to know her and discover whether we should really become life partners.”)


The problem with “purity culture,” however, was certainly not seeking to be pure! Sexual purity was God’s idea, not that of home-schooling parents: “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality” (1 Thessalonians 4:3). Today the baby of sexual purity is being thrown out with the bathwater of self-righteous rule-keeping that prompts us to congratulate ourselves while judging and condemning everyone else. So how about we throw out the latter as ugly but cling to the former as beautiful? That’s what I’m trying to do in these blogs.

The idea is not just to refrain from the bad, but to embrace the good, God’s higher plan for us. God is the creator of sex, not Satan. He intended it for marriage. Right after saying “Flee from sexual immorality,” Paul says, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?” (1 Corinthians 6:19).
God tells us to honor marriage, which is the first reason for being pure, the second being that immorality will bring God’s judgment on our lives: “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Hebrews 13:4).

Thinking of Particular Christian Leaders and Ministries as Indispensable Hurts Us​

I have often seen men guilty of immorality move on directly to another church or ministry, or sometimes “sit out” for a year and then go on to lead elsewhere. The logic is, “We’re all sinners, God has forgiven him, and besides, he’s such a gifted leader and we really need him.”
Too often the gifted man’s sins in previous places are repeated the next place he goes. Why wouldn’t they be? And unthinkably, because churches often don’t talk with multiple leaders at his previous church (not just those he lists as references) they don’t even know about his history of sexual immorality, financial compromise, or patterns of anger and bullying. Why? Because they didn’t bother asking, asked only superficial questions, or failed to ask enough people.
In 1990 I wrote this in our ministry’s original documents:

Eternal Perspective Ministries belongs to Jesus Christ. We are privileged to be His servants (1 Corinthians 3:6-7). EPM will exist only as long as God wants it to. If it becomes evident that His purpose for EPM is finished, we will close our doors. The sun does not rise or set on this ministry. It is simply a tool at God’s disposal (2 Timothy 2:21), for Him to use how and however long He chooses.

The belief that we are indispensable is nonsense. To imagine that without a particular ministry, founder, director, or pastor the work of Jesus would be seriously impoverished is self-deception. People who worship Christian leaders do them as great a disservice as those who crucify them.
The celebrity culture of modern evangelicalism hasn’t only hurt churches; it has also hurt pastors and other Christian leaders. It has created a subculture in which some, thinking they are “God’s man,” come to believe they are above scrutiny and accountability.

Some who began as sincere servants wishing to honor Christ and love others end as privileged, entitled, self-absorbed, and unaccountable scoundrels who imagine they are somehow above the moral standards that apply to regular people (such as “it’s God’s will that you abstain from sexual immorality”). Often people in churches and ministries have flattered such men and fed their wrong thinking and behaviors instead of speaking the truth in love and confronting them about their sin. When that happens, everyone suffers.

Making a List of the Consequences of Sin​

I met with a man who had been a prominent ministry leader until he committed immorality. I asked, “What could have been done to prevent this?” He paused only a moment, then said with haunting pain, “If only I had really known, really thought through what it would cost me, my family, ministry, and my Lord, I honestly believe I never would have done it.”


That’s when I got serious and specific about counting the cost in my own life. Thirty-five years ago my fellow pastor and friend Alan Hlavka and I each developed a list of the specific consequences we could think of that would result from our immorality. The lists spoke to us more powerfully than any sermon or article on the subject.
Periodically, especially when traveling or during times of temptation or weakness, we read through our lists. When we begin to think unclearly, reviewing the list yanked us back to reality.

It cut through the fog of rationalization and filled our hearts with a healthy, motivating fear of God and the consequences of sin. (Being motivated by love for God is wonderful, but in Scripture the fear of God and of sin’s consequences are also legitimate motives.)
What follows is an edited version of our combined lists. I’ve included the actual names of my wife and daughters to emphasize the personal nature of this exercise. I recommend that you make your own list, adding consequences that would be uniquely yours. The idea, of course, is not to focus on sin, but on the consequences, thereby encouraging us to refocus on the Lord and take steps of wisdom to keep from falling.

I know some will think any list is legalistic. Like anything it can be, but in fact it is just heeding the warnings of God’s Word. “He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself” (Proverbs 6:32). “Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? So is he who sleeps with another man’s wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished” (Proverbs 6:28-29).
Here were some of the items on my list when I wrote it thirty-five years ago:

• Dragging Christ’s reputation into the m&d.
• Having to one day look Jesus in the face at the judgment seat and explain why I did it.
• Untold hurt to Nanci, my best friend and loyal wife.
• Loss of Nanci’s respect and trust.
• The possibility that I could lose my wife and my children forever.
• Hurt to and loss of credibility with my beloved daughters, Karina and Angie. (“Why listen to a man who betrayed Mom and us?”)
• Shame to my family. (“Why isn’t Daddy a pastor anymore?” The cruel comments of others who would invariably find out.)
• Shame and hurt to my church and friends, especially those I’ve led to Christ and discipled. (List names.)
• An irretrievable loss of years of witnessing to my unsaved father.
• Bringing great pleasure to Satan, God’s enemy.
• Possibly contracting a sexually transmitted disease, passing it on to Nanci.
• Loss of self-respect, discrediting my own name, and invoking shame and lifelong embarrassment upon myself.

This is less than half of the items on my list. Today my daughters are grown, with children older than they were when I made the list. But the list of immorality’s consequences is longer for me than it’s ever been. I now have two sons-in-law and five grandchildren, and many dear friends and people in our church. Millions of people have read my books, and people have been reached through our ministry, so the circle of those I would be letting down has exponentially grown—which puts Satan’s target on me more than ever. I would be a fool to not heed Scripture’s warnings.

It would still break my heart to betray my Lord Jesus and my wonderful wife, daughters, and grandsons. That’s why I still try to avoid the little compromises that could lead to moral disaster. And why I still call upon God’s Spirit to empower my obedience. I genuinely love Jesus. And He’s the one who said, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments” (John 14:15). Because I love him, I will go out of my way to guard my purity. Because I believe His warnings about the consequences of sin, I will go out of my way to guard myself, my family, and our ministry from those consequences.

Of course, there’s nothing magic about making a list! But what if all the fallen Christian leaders of the past decades had made such a list and carried it with them? What if in moments of isolation and temptation they read it through? Might God have used that to help some of them dread sin’s immense price? Maybe it could have prompted some of them to reach out to God who could deliver and empower them? Or to reach out to brothers who could have helped avoid the sin or confess it and escape from its entanglements? Maybe counting the cost could have provided one more incentive the Holy Spirit could use to “put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:22-24)


This is not about legalism or self-righteousness. This is about loving Jesus wholeheartedly, heeding God’s warnings, and warmly embracing our standing and resources in Christ to say yes to the new nature and no to the old.
There’s a particular curve on a road near our house where I regularly see a large cross put there by a family I know. It’s where their teenage son died in a car accident. Many times I’ve seen that cross and been warned “slow down and be careful.” Seeing it makes me instinctively put on the brakes. I wonder if contemplating that terrible thing that happened over twenty years ago may have kept a terrible thing from happening to me. If we would rehearse in advance the ugly consequences of immorality which we have seen in others or in ourselves, we would be far more likely to avoid it.

Loving and Fearing God​

Because we don’t want to think about the moral tragedies in churches and ministries that have been going on decade after decade, we don’t. And they just keep happening. And they will keep on happening unless we take a hard look at them and learn the lessons God has for us. We are constantly dealing with people at the bottom of the cliff when we should have been doing far more to counteract the wrong thinking that that caused them to keep moving closer to the cliff when they were at the top.


What if we took seriously the accountability I’ve written about, and counting the cost of sin that I’ve addressed here? Couldn’t we develop a culture of happily depending on the Holy Spirit to empower us and commit ourselves to working together to pursue righteousness and avoid sin? Wouldn’t we then help more people to back away from the cliff and see fewer of us fall?

Truth without grace will accuse and shame people and fail to offer them the forgiveness and transformation of Jesus. Grace without truth will degenerate into deceitful indifference to sin, and increasing tolerance of it. Only grace and truth together, as manifested in the person and work of Jesus, can save churches and ministries from endless moral tragedies. It can and help us experience God’s best for us and the world we’re called to reach, so “that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world” (Philippians 2:15).

 

[RiverOL]

Care Givers Must Also Care for Themselves​

Care givers must also care for themselves. Some may think this statement suggests selfishness. To the contrary, if those who provide care for people in great need do not take care of themselves, they will eventually burn out and not be able to help anyone.
Regardless of whether Jesus was ever in danger of burning out, he did indeed withdraw at various times from caring for people’s great needs to be alone with God. Whether it was to recharge his battery or to discern his next steps in ministry, Jesus determined he needed to regroup. Here is one account that highlights this point:

While Jesus was in one of the towns, a man came along who was covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.”
Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” And immediately the leprosy left him.
Then Jesus ordered him, “Don’t tell anyone, but go, show yourself to the priest and offer the sacrifices that Moses commanded for your cleansing, as a testimony to them.”
Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. (Luke 5:12-16; NIV; consider, too, Mark 1:29-39)

The Gospels note Jesus’ divine power as well as his human frailty. In Mark 4:35-41, we find both dimensions in play. Jesus is found sleeping on a cushion in the stern of a boat crossing a lake. A furious storm arose, and the waves nearly devoured the boat. Jesus didn’t budge. No doubt, he was completely exhausted. In their panicked state, the disciples woke Jesus in hopes he would help them. In other words, ‘All hands on deck.’ Jesus did more than help. He stilled the storm. The disciples were amazed and wondered who in the world—or heaven—Jesus was. Here’s the account:

That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”
They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!” (Mark 4:35-41; NIV)

Jesus stilled the raging storm with a rebuke from the deep stillness within his soul. His question to his followers is one he asks me today: “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” (Mark 4:40; NIV)
As I help with care for my son, who is presently in a coma, I need to take time to decompress, to replenish, to care for my own person. Otherwise, I will be of no use to my son or other family members. I need to step back and consider how Jesus needed to step back and rest to reengage. I also need to consider him—who even the overwhelming stormy winds of life obey. Paul, why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?

All of us who provide care for others need to take inventory from time to time and ‘stock our ships’ for the journey across the waters of life. As I have been taking inventory, I am making sustained effort to stock my ship—that is my daily life—with my early morning biblical meditations. I am also making sustained efforts to get a good night sleep and eat regular meals. There are a few trusted souls with whom I process to help with decision making and with regulating my emotions. I also enjoy reading other books in addition to Scripture, as well as writing. Reading includes accounts of inspirational people who underwent incredible duress and turned obstacles into greater opportunities for transformative growth and change. Exercise is also important, such as going for a long walk. I encourage other care givers to make sure they are caring for themselves, just as others are encouraging me. Otherwise, none of us will be able to provide effective care for those in need of our care for long.


Lastly, speaking of those we provide care for, we need to make sure that we do not get short with people closest to us. We can easily take them for granted when so much of our energy goes to supporting the critically sick or injured in our inner circles. Times of duress can cause great distress for the rest of our important relationships. Let’s invest relationally in showing care for others we love, who are also providing care for those in great need. Otherwise, we will all be on relational life support.
Care givers must care for themselves to care more effectively for others. This is by no means a selfish point. Rather, it accounts for the fact that none of us are self-sufficient. Please take inventory today.

 

[RiverOL]

Thoughts on Flipping the Bible Open and Reading Wherever You Land (and Recommended Study Resources)​

I don’t normally do the “flip the Bible open and put my finger down” method of reading Scripture. However, I used to mock that practice, and I don’t anymore. “Mock” is perhaps too strong of a word, but I used to think, Come on, don’t study the Bible that way. But I’ve often done it and been richly rewarded for it. It’s certainly not my usual way of opening God’s Word each day, but one real positive is that no matter what, you’re still going to end up in the inspired Word of God.


When you study Scripture long enough, you have a sense of the overall context for wherever you land. For example, it’s easier to start in Isaiah 44 when you have an understanding of the whole book of Isaiah. So just flipping open the Bible could be an issue for the young Christian who lands in a passage and doesn’t understand what it means or have any idea what the context is.
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When it comes to studying God’s Word, sometimes I read through the Bible in a yearlong program. Other times, I do simply open to a portion of Scripture and meditate on it, asking God for guidance. I don’t mean that I stick my finger in the Bible and just read wherever it lands—although I have done and it actually can be fun—but my normal approach to Bible study is to pore over texts that relate to something on my heart or that I’m writing about. Also, if one of our pastors preaches from a certain passage, I might go back to that later and spend more time meditating on it.

So sometimes my Bible study is systematic, while other times I find myself going from place to place in my Logos Bible study software, wherever I sense the Spirit of God leading me. Logos Bible Software is an incredible resource I use nearly daily at home and in study. It’s totally portable, so I use it on my tablet and cell phone too. As the pastor preaches a passage, I check the meanings of the Hebrew and Greek words in the biblical text. It’s an unbelievably helpful tool, particularly if you take the time to learn how to use it. See what endorsers, including me, have to say about it. (They offer different software packages. Pick one and dive in. Be sure you take advantage of their online training videos.)

 

[RiverOL]

Do All Conflicts Have to be Resolved in a Marriage?​

When Mark and Kayla first came to my office for couples counseling, they were both skeptical that they would be able to work things out. Both in their late 30’s, with two young children, they argued frequently and often issued ultimatums and felt they were on the brink of divorce.

Kayla identified having trust issues that led to arguments over safety and security. This was especially the case when they were out socially when Kayla felt more insecure because Mark was friendly and talked to other women.


Kayla explains, “80% of the time I trust Mark and believe he wants the best for me and the other 20% is not something I can blame him for. He’s not trying to hurt me on purpose when he comes home late or forgets to text me. I have anxiety which makes trusting him a challenge but I’m learning to deal with his outgoing nature and accept that he likes to interact with all kinds of people at parties and work events.”

When Kayla and Mark are able to be vulnerable and discuss concerns that arise with each other in a timely and respectful way, they’re becoming better at repair skills. If they embrace the notion that conflict is an inevitable part of an intimate relationship, and that not all problems have to be resolved, they will bounce back from disagreements faster and build a successful long-lasting relationship.

Kayla reflects: “I had a fear of conflict growing up because my parents used to argue loudly and threaten to break up. When I was 16, they finally did but a lot of damage was done. I definitely have trust issues. At least I trust that Michael is willing to deal with things without leaving. Our arguments always end quickly. I’m the one that tends to hold a grudge but I’m learning to let go of resentment toward Mark.”


According to author Marcia Naomi Berger, many couples believe that if a marriage is healthy, all issues get resolved because they should be successful at repairing disputes. She writes: “Simply put, it is not the presence of conflict that stresses the relationship; it’s the manner in which the couple responds. Positive, respectful communication about differences helps keep a marriage thriving.” Berger’s view is that differences between partners can make a marriage stronger. In fact, she advises couples to learn to live with unsolvable differences in their relationship as long as they aren’t deal breakers.

For instance, some problems in a relationship never get resolved because both people dig their heels in and are unable to listen to each other. As a result, partners are unable to get their point across. This is one of the reasons why Dr. Gottman’s research finds that 69% of problems in a marriage do not get resolved, but they can be managed successfully if couples have repair skills.


This evidence demonstrates the advantages of using conflict as an opportunity for growth. When each partner approaches one another as an equal, working through some conflicts can nourish rather than drain a relationship. Other times, a couple might agree just to let things go and repair hurt feelings later. They might accept that a compromise can’t be reached because their viewpoints are so vastly different.

Most of the time, couples who have a commitment to each other can work on trying to repair conflicts. The key is acceptance of one another and a willingness to understand that we are not carbon copies of one another and so see the world through different lenses. A recovery conversation means being able to take a break when you get flooded or very aggravated at your partner, and agreeing to process what happened later when you are both calm.

Fortunately, as Mark and Kayla continued in couples counseling, they were able to come to terms with the fact that in a good marriage, constructive conflicts can clear the air and actually lead to more intimacy. They realized that if they didn’t issue ultimatums and made a commitment to love and honor each other in spite of their flaws, they could improve their communication and feel more satisfied with their marriage. Instead of pushing each other to change, they began accepting and loving each other.

 

[RiverOL]

Honest Communication​

In recent weeks, we’ve discussed skills for healthy communication between husbands and wives. These are: speaking in a caring tone, frequent communication, and intimate communication. Another vital skill is honest communication.
An atmosphere of openness and honesty means each partner gives the other permission to pose any question or complaint—no matter how sensitive—without fear or intimidation.


I can’t tell you how many times, in a counseling situation, someone struggling in their marriage will open up to me about an important issue. I will then ask, “Have you talked to your spouse about this?”
The usual response: “Oh, no, I could never talk to them about this. They would be furious.”
Wives learn which issues are hot-button topics, and they steer clear so their husbands don’t fly off the handle. Husbands learn that certain subjects might make their wives withdraw emotionally or withhold sex.

I’ve heard Oprah Winfrey say, “You train people how to treat you,” and she’s right. But it’s not healthy. A marriage where some topics are off-limits is a marriage with barriers and walls. A walled-up marriage is a toxic marriage, marked by tension and insecurity.
Healthy communication is always open and safe. It is free of walls, hot buttons, or sensitive issues. It is saying to your spouse, “No topic is off-limits. You can tell me anything, and I promise not to hold it against you.”

This kind of marriage doesn’t just allow honesty, but seeks it out. In a healthy marriage, a wife knows her husband offers her a safe place to speak anything on her mind without judging or belittling her. And husbands enjoy the same freedom with their wives.


The Bible tells us to speak the truth in love, because truth is critical to any healthy relationship. But truth without love is cruel. Truth for the sake of truth can be hurtful and insensitive. For truth to foster intimacy, it must be marked by tenderness and affection—never vengeance.
Karen knows I would never hurt her feelings on purpose, but there have definitely been times when something I’ve said has upset her. When that happens, she knows I want her to tell me about it. When she speaks this truth, she never attacks me personally.

Instead, she’ll say something like, “Jimmy, when we were running late yesterday and you kept asking me to hurry, I know you weren’t trying to be harsh or sound angry, but that’s how I took it. It hurt my feelings. I just wanted to let you know that.”
This is what it means to speak the truth in love. It means learning to be honest without attacking. It means choosing your words carefully before saying them. It means checking your motives before speaking your mind.

“…speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Eph. 4:15).

 

[RiverOL]

My conversion story: From atheist to Christian during the pandemic​

Many people have really struggled with their faith during the Coronavirus pandemic and been impacted by the loss of in-person church community. Nevertheless, some people have found faith during this difficult time. One of these is Scottish student Eilidh who shares a little of her story of moving from atheism to Christianity.


I don’t come from a particularly religious household. One of my best friends from school went to church with her mom on a Sunday and we used to go to the Scripture Union school lunchtime club. It was there I heard about stories from the Bible. I was genuinely interested, even though I came from a non-Christian family.

One day in this club, a guy came in from a Christian organisation. He shared his testimony of how he used to be a drug addict, but Jesus totally turned his life around. I remember him saying that he put the crown of his life on Jesus. And in that moment, that made sense to me. It felt like that was the only reasonable thing for me to do myself.

The catalyst – life in lockdown​

Even after that experience as I child, I wasn’t a churchgoer. However, over the lockdown period, I was totally bombarded by questions that kept going around my mind: Who is Jesus? Why am I doing this? What is the meaning of life? It was at this point I found Unbelievable?, which was so useful. It put the Christianity I was looking into, in conversation – literally – with the atheism I was living.


I had been told not to look into Christianity. There was a kind of feeling among my friends and family that it was almost dangerous and that I could be being brainwashed. But I kept looking into it behind closed doors, because I was convinced there was truth to this and it was worth looking into. It all just seemed to come to a head with all the extra time in lockdown.

The beginning of the journey – apologetics​

I started looking into apologetics through things like Unbelievable? over the lockdown period. I think I always felt there had to be something more – like I’ll just have to listen to a certain number of podcasts or watch so many videos. I’ve always been an achievement driven person, nothing’s ever enough. But when I first went to church, the minister said something that struck me. He talked about how simple the gospel was. When Jesus said “it is finished”, he meant it.

In some ways I was essentially living as an atheist, but feeling a real pull towards Christianity. It got to the point where I couldn’t deny it anymore. Justin Brierley put me in touch with a pastor here in Scotland and it was the first time I had spoken to somebody, in person, about the Christianity I’d been looking into and how I felt about Jesus. He gave me some pointers, saying I could become part of a course like Alpha or Christianity Explored or go along to a church. He also said that eventually the thing to do was to give my life to Jesus, which didn’t necessarily happen right that second. It was a process.

The aftermath – family reaction​

The response of my friends and family has been pretty varied. One of my family members has actually started listening to Unbelievable? They have really enjoyed hearing that Christianity can stand on its own, and just hearing different opinions was really useful to them. Other people are very much of the opinion that we need to get rid of all religion – they’ve seen a lot of fear and guilt coming from religion, which has really impacted their view.

The journey continues – experiencing church​

I started going to church during a period when churches could actually meet in person. It was great being in a place where there were other Christians that I wasn’t just seeing on a screen. Hearing that first sermon did consolidate in my mind that this was this was my life. This was true.
After the service the pastor I had been chatting to and I prayed a prayer of commitment. I think it had been an accumulation of all of the searching over the summer. I made the decision that Jesus is enough and that what he did on the cross and resurrection is true and that is what I need as a sinner saved by grace.


In the lunchtime club as a child after hearing the gospel properly for the first time, I did feel a peace that I couldn’t understand or explain. When I went along to the first church service during lockdown, there wasn’t any particular magic! But slowly I can see my attitudes have changed and just a joy, a peace, a wholeness that doesn’t come from me.

 

[RiverOL]

5 things your marriage needs every day​

“Someday” is a popular word in marriage. We say things like, “Someday, let’s go to Europe. Someday, let’s do a marriage retreat together. Someday, let’s pay off our house.”
Those “someday” goals are good, but there are some things in your marriage that can’t wait for “someday.” They need to happen EVERY day. One day in your marriage without all five of these is one day too long.



In no particular order…
1. Thoughtfulness.
Thoughtfulness is a fuel that keeps a marriage going strong. Most of us were good at showing daily thoughtfulness during the dating stage of our relationship, but as the marriage goes on, thoughtfulness can disappear (which is deadly for a marriage). Don’t get caught in the trap of being thoughtful to co-workers and strangers all day, and then giving your “leftovers” to your spouse!

2. Respect.
A marriage can’t survive without respect. My articles on The 7 ways a wife needs respect from her husband and also The 7 ways a husband needs respect from his wife point out practical ways you can show daily respect to each other.



3. Affection.
I’m talking about a lot more than just sex here (although sex is very important in marriage). Every day, you should touch each other. Hold hands, cuddle, give a foot rub, put your arm around his/her shoulder. Those warm touches are a daily way to bind your hearts closer together.

4. Encouragement.
Be your spouse’s biggest encourager; not his/her biggest critic. Be the one who wipes away their tears; not the one who causes them! Encourage each other every day.





5. Partnership.
The moment you feel like you and your spouse are each doing your own separate thing instead of operating as a unified team, you need to make some immediate readjustments. Marriage is daily partnership with a lifelong commitment.

 

[RiverOL]

The Romance Trap: Are You Falling For It?​

Few things excite us more than the possibility of relationships. The more intimate, the more alluring. We imagine the power of sex and the joy of being cared for. We see the cure to loneliness and the promise of support and affection. From Romantic Comedies to pornography (believe it or not) to whispered gossip among friends, we have bought into The Romance Trap. And it affects much more than just the dating world.

Far Reaching​

We view dating and marriage as the highest achievement in personal relating. And rightly so. As such, the way we approach our pursuit of marriage (whether we call it that or not) informs the way we approach our friendships, our business partnerships, and every other relationship in our lives.
We encounter relationships with romantic aspirations. And romance asks one question – what’s in it for me? It often disguises itself around ‘togetherness’, but it is really a ‘togetherness’ that is about My fulfillment, My betterment, My needs being met. Romance is clever in its disguise. It makes itself look just enough like true intimacy to entice us.
The problem with romance is that it is unsustainable. It feeds on overwhelming passion and self-preservation. It starves in the face of sacrifice or boredom.
Marriages end in divorce. We cheat on one another. We quit our job. Friends turn to enemies or strangers. The romance trap lures us in with untenable promises.

The Heart of The Issue​

In essence, we have not accepted the way things work. We are trying to shortcut The Mood Curve. We do not believe the deep truth that everything worth doing will cost us just as much as it provides.
Romance is allergic to turmoil. And if we cannot find any value in turmoil, we take the only other option. We quit. It is no great secret that we give up when things are hard. We view difficulty as defeat, and trouble as a sign of disease rather than an opportunity for growth.
We fail to realize that intimacy happens through perseverance. It is in difficulty that relationships are truly established.

The romance trap keeps us on a well-established cycle. We get excited and hopeful, all elbows and expectations. We enter into a new relationship, friendship, etc. believing the best. Hoping for something that will change our lives for the better. We’re dreamy and starry eyed. That is not inherently bad.
But it is not sustainable. It is the beginning of a process, but not the end. We try to build our house on this shaky ground, putting all faith in our jolting emotions.


When the inevitable happens, we feel blindsided. How could this person be imperfect? How could this new trouble have arisen? We cannot fathom that the people we love the most are not only the ones most capable of edifying us, they are also the ones most capable of disappointing us. And so, the romance fading, the expectation unmet, we find ourselves in the pit of despair.
As firm converts of the romance trap, we quit and look for the next thing to get excited about. And on and on the cycle goes.

A Better Way​

I know a pastor who often gets his congregants to chant, There is a better way! ‘Say it with me’, he prompts.
Are you stuck in the dizzying cycle of the romance trap? Heightened expectations, disappointment, quitting. There is good news. There is a better way.
The better way is the way of perseverance. Slow down. Take a breath. Realize that the loss of expectation is a natural part of an innovative relationship. It is necessary for intimacy to grow.

Certainly, not every relationship is a good one. Sometimes quitting is the proper response. But not nearly as often as it happens. Sometimes the solution is commitment, perseverance, and a truer perspective.
The first step to this better way is to be aware of the romance trap and how it affects your expectations. Celebrate the fireworks. But if you want a healthy relationship, you must be prepared to celebrate the boredom, celebrate the consistency, and – as strange as it sounds – even celebrate the struggles.

 

[RiverOL]

7 Good Reasons You Shouldn’t Bad-mouth Your Husband​

Sharing your relationship problems with friends and family may not be the best idea.
I drove around for about an hour pouring out my frustration about my husband to a friend. I told her about how wrong he was and how angry and mistreated I felt.
Early in my marriage, I didn’t consider the impact of sharing relationship problems with friends and family.


She asked questions. Even appeared sympathetic. Without saying it, she agreed he was the bad guy, which emboldened me in my comments.
I shared more.
I felt so much better when I hung up and soon forgot about our conversation.

Sharing marital problems with others isn’t a good idea.​

Here’s why.
Sunday morning in church, my pastor’s wife approached me. After saying her hello’s, she asked about my husband and began freely sharing her opinion about my marriage.
“Something’s got to give. He can’t keep behaving this way.” Her comments surprised me, and I immediately began defending my husband, explaining his actions and thoughts around the issue.

I also instantly realized the damage I’d done to my husband by freely airing my frustration to others.
It may feel good to vent about your husband in the short term, but guarding what you say about him to others is important. Family and friends won’t forgive or forget as quickly as you do.
Here’s are six reasons you shouldn’t share marital problems with friends or family:

1. You may not be able to repair the damage you do to your husband’s reputation.
2. They may not have your best interests at heart.
3. They’re only hearing your side.
4. They may give you horrible advice.
5. They may share what you say with others.
6. You may have kissed and made up, but their opinions may not change.
7. Sharing information about your marriage may weaken your relationship.

After I bad-mouthed my husband, defending him did little to change their perception of him.​

Not only had my friend listened compassionately, she’d then shared the details of our conversation with other women in our church. They then formed their own opinions about my husband with little or no knowledge about my marriage.
At that point even if I told them we had a great marriage, he treated me well and I respected him the damage had been done. I had diminished him in their eyes.

When I’m tempted to share information about my marriage, this incident makes me reconsider. I think about how I’d feel if my husband shared information about me that made his family or our friends form unfavorable opinions of me.
I learned the hard way. I learned to choose my words carefully and keep my opinions about my husband to myself.
Before badmouthing your husband ask yourself:

• Would I want him to share this information about me?
• Does this person have my spouse and my marriage’s best interest at heart?
• How would my husband feel if he heard me say this?

I’m not suggesting you keep quiet about physical or emotional abuse. In that case, telling someone and getting help is always best.
Marriage is an intimate, private union between you and your husband. Go out of your way to keep your relationship sacred and to protect your husband’s reputation.

 

[RiverOL]

Prepare to Meet Your God​

The Minor Prophets are often quite neglected in the church today. Some find them inordinately difficult to interpret due to the genres these books employ, especially as they can cover the range of poetic, dialectic, prophetic, and apocalyptic styles all in one fell swoop. Others struggle to see the relevance they have within the church today. Some of this is due to a Marconian influence in failing to see their relevance to New Testament believers, whether that’s intentional or not. Some of it is due to people simply not knowing their Old Testament all that well. They may struggle to understand how God operates in terms of covenant, or how these covenants even relate to one another. They may likewise struggle with their eschatology, so these books prove to be all the more daunting for some, as they concern God’s redemptive work with Israel.


Then you have a rather large contingent in the church today that bastardizes the Minor Prophets in favor of adopting the ideologies bound up in Critical Race Theory, or the more popular movement concerning social justice. I have it in mind to do a series of posts concerning this very thing, where I give an exegetical treatment of the pertinent passages often quoted by social justicians. However, as this is not the focus of this particular post, I will simply summarize my critique in saying that God’s concern with biblical justice, as portrayed in the Minor Prophets, is primarily seen in terms of His covenant with Israel.

Any treatment of our current social milieu that doesn’t place things squarely within this interpretive lens is dangerously myopic, at best. The point being: social justicians tend to place a heavy emphasis on righting perceived societal wrongs, but they do so to the detriment of the main points of these respective texts, which are grounded in Israel’s faithfulness (or faithlessness) to the Mosaic Covenant given in Ex. 19-24 (see also covenantal blessing and cursing in Deut. 28 and Lev. 26).
Yet one reason I believe the Minor Prophets are often neglected the most is that they tend to be rather sober reads.

They require careful, personal reflection from the one who wishes to take the words of the apostle Paul seriously. The rather sordid history of Israel serves as an example and a warning to the church, so that the one who thinks he is standing firm should be careful not to fall (1 Cor. 10:11-12). As with Israel, Paul’s warning is seen in light of covenant faithfulness (1 Cor. 10:14-22). In the same manner, the author of Hebrews challenges the church to see Israel’s apostasy in the wilderness as a profound warning (Heb. 3:7-19). While this theme is not unique to the Minor Prophets, they nonetheless approach this topic from a different vantage point than other biblical authors. Think of it as the turning of a diamond to examine yet another facet of its brilliance.


I think of the book of Amos only because I’m currently preaching through it for my church—but here the prophet portrays God as a ferocious Lion set on devouring His prey, which are the ten tribes of Israel under the reign of Jeroboam II. The first two chapters drill this reality home as the Lion moves from region to region, drawing concentric circles around the Northern Kingdom. While the surrounding, pagan nations and the Kingdom of Judah have likewise drawn God’s ire, it is Israel who finds herself as the true target. In essence, those prior to those ten northern tribes are but the appetizer to the main course.

The reason for Israel’s judgment is bound up, again, in covenant unfaithfulness to the Lord, which plays out in a remarkably twisted manner. Those in power and affluence abuse the weak and the poor. Father and son fornicate with the same cultic prostitute, which indicates the nation is not only knee deep in the sexual perversion of incest, but they are idolatrous to boot. They encourage the breaking of vows for the Nazirites. They reject the prophets. Israel’s women lord over their husbands, and their husbands likewise fail to lead. The sacrificial system is exploited and corrupt in every conceivable way.


In all of it, God gives examples of warning after warning, calling them to repentance, only to give the refrain, “…yet you have not returned to Me.” Thus, the inevitable result of their sin is that God’s judgment has gone forth and it will not be returned. The Lion shall come and consume them in His wrath, yet all the while, they will not see His discipline through famine, drought, pestilence, swarms of insects, plague, warfare, and fire and brimstone. They shall come face to face with the living God Himself. Thus the summons is given to Israel, “Prepare to meet your God.”

Stark as the language may be, the command is not simply one of the inevitable reality all men must face. It is a plea. It is a plea to seek God and live. In other words: it is a plea that the ten tribes of the Northern Kingdom would repent and turn back to God. He is calling Israel back to covenant faithfulness so they may avoid eternal condemnation. God’s aim is not simply destruction, but restoration—and this is particularly where people of all stripes and convictions tend to bristle. We want to hear that God will leave the innocent party out of His plans for judgment such as this, but the book of Amos simply reveals that there was no innocent party to be found. All were commanded: return to the Lord, or perish.


God’s judgment is still seen as irrevocable. Israel is going to be summarily destroyed. Their women will be led off with hooks through the jaw. The idolater, oppressor, sexually immoral, and the one displaying an empty religiosity will likewise find no refuge from the impending onslaught of the Assyrians. Even those who were the poor and marginalized will be carted off to a foreign land to be slaves. There were no categories of sinners to be found who were less guilty than others; all the tribes were guilty. Yet with the plea to repentance, there is no contingency placed upon recalling the judgment sworn of God. In other words: whether they repent or not, judgment was still coming.

Pain, agony, and misery would be multiplied to them all—but the Lord promised that those who turned to Him in repentance would live.
The problem is that Israel, much like many within the modern Evangelical church, was woefully deceived. This is where I find the warning to the church to be so poignant. We like to read the example given for us in Israel as if these are people who we could never be like. I’m sure the Israelites hearing of the prospect of them eating their own children felt much the same way (Lev. 26:29). Who could ever do such a thing, they might have asked?

All one need do is read 2 Kgs. 6:24-29 to find two such women who did. For the one who sits in abject repulsion of such an act—you do well—yet you would do better to fear the circumstances which could ever produce such a vile act. On the basis of the text, it was not famine which led these women to such grotesque sin—it was covenant unfaithfulness.


The point is not to say that every individual will do such a thing, but that every person is capable of incredible evil. Evil need not look like it did between these two mothers simply because evil is not a principle defined of us. It can take the culturally acceptable look of ripping an infant limb from limb whilst in their mother’s womb. It can don the appearance of one who exploits those around them, seeing them as expendable objects rather than those who bear the very image of God.

Likewise, it can embrace the sexual perversion bound up in a culture that defiles the marriage bed in every meaningful way. In all of it, the point where things terminate is in deception. Deception for the one who believes they can reject God and still be prepared to die. Yet likewise, deception for the one who believes they can fool God by living a double-life.

In either case, the prophet Amos provides a warning and a plea in the very same phrase: prepare to meet your God. To echo then the words of Christ, “Repent and believe the gospel!”

 

[RiverOL]

Why is Drinking at a Young Age Bad?​

I wasn’t prepared for the moment my kids could legally buy and drink alcohol. And I don’t feel like I prepared them for it either. How do I talk to a young adult about alcohol?
Sure, we’d talked about underaged drinking and risks of using drugs and alcohol since they were little. But we rarely have wine in our home. Never beer or hard liquor. So, I assumed my kids would be like me. Rarely, occasional or not-at-all drinkers.


So when my son ordered a beer at lunch when he was home on Spring Break, I realized that might be the case or it might not be.

Thinking about him drinking made me feel yucky.​

In that malt liquor moment, I realized–after the years of talking about underaged drinking– I’d never shifted the conversation from restraint to responsibility. I needed to talk to my son about the effects of drinking at a young age.
Mom fail.
Like sex, I’d rather he find out about it from us than from his friends.
At twenty-one, the drinking conversation stops. Maybe we assume our kids will make the same choices we do. Maybe we figure, they’re young adults and can decide for themselves.
Either way, I’ve got to stop assuming. If I want my kid to know the effects of drinking as a young adult, it’s best to say it.
So like a kid who hadn’t studied for a test, I tried to cram 15 years of responsible drinking thinking into a lunch hour.
With Spring Break around the corner, now’s a good time for a refresher course on young adults and alcohol. Here’s my letter to my son about the possible effects of drinking at a young age.
Joshua,


People assume young adults will get drunk. It’s an expectation not a mandate.
So don’t ever let other people’s expectations dictate your deeds. Follow your heart, and trust your instincts because you’ll have to answer for your actions, even while you’re drinking.
By the time I was your age, I’d concluded two things: No good ever comes from a bunch of people sitting around getting drunk and losing control of your faculties is never a good idea.
There’s nothing cool about making a fool of yourself, getting a DUI, or waking up in a puddle of your own urine or vomit.

It’s embarrassing.
I’m just not crazy about the idea of you and your friends having a few beers. Maybe it’s because you’re my kid. Maybe it’s because your brain is still developing at 21, and alcohol can impact the way it works for the rest of your life. Maybe it’s because drinking lowers your inhibitions and makes you more likely to do stupid things.


Here’s the thing. You don’t know how it’s going to impact you until you try it. You won’t know what your limit is until you’ve reach it. By that time, it might be too late.
No one ever takes their first drink and says, “I want to be an alcoholic.”
Yet we have millions of alcoholics in this country, some in our own family. So I know there’s a chance that if you party too much, you may no longer be in control.
If you ever think you’ve reached that point, please come to us for help.

Alcohol affects everyone differently. Body weight, metabolism, and genetics all affect how your body processes alcohol. Everyone’s tolerance level is different.
People always say, “Drink in moderation.” Moderation looks totally different for you than it does for me. So, I’m not going to just say “drink responsibly,” I’m going to tell you exactly what I mean.

Effects of drinking on young adults​

• Buzzed driving is drunk driving.
• Drinking responsibly means if you’re drinking don’t drive. Just don’t.
• Size does matter. Know how much alcohol is in your drink. How many doesn’t tell you how much. If you have two 24 oz beers, you’ve had the equivalent of 4 beers.
• You can get a DUI even if you’re under the legal limit.
• All drinks are not created equal. One Long Island Iced Tea is equal to 4 drinks because of its alcohol content. Two Long Island Iced Teas are equal to 8 drinks. Three Long Island Iced Teas. . . Get the picture?
• Even if you aren’t drinking, you can get into trouble as a passenger if the driver is intoxicated.
• Drinking responsibly means calling someone if you need a ride. We’re always a phone call away no matter how old you are or how far away.
• Being under the influence of anything is no excuse or defense for taking advantage of someone or standing by while someone else does. You still know the difference in right and wrong. And you still understand English. “No” means “no” whether you’re drunk or not
• Drinking responsibly means maintaining your sense of honor. Never look the other way when someone’s in trouble, especially a woman. Even if she’s had too much to drink, still consider yourself responsible.
• Drinking responsibly means thinking all possible scenarios through to the end before you take that first drink. Are you in mixed company? Are you responsible for someone? Are you aware of any firearms on the premises? Do you have a reliable way to get home? At what point are you going to say “enough?”
• Being responsible means you don’t purchase alcohol for under-aged kids. It’s against the law. You’ll be held responsible for any action any under-aged person takes while they’re under the influence of the alcohol you gave them.

Here it is in black and white because we love you. Your dad and I never had to be drunk to have fun. And you don’t either. We’ll never condone bad behavior, and we’ll never sit by while you engage in life-threatening behaviors, no matter how old you are.
At your age, no one’s probably going to call us about your bad choices except the police. And if they’re calling that means one of two things–either you can’t call or you’ll never call again. We’ve taught you well but know you’re going to make mistakes. Like with anything of significance in your life, we don’t ever want you to say, “I didn’t know.”
Love,
Mom

 

[RiverOL]

Ignorance or Insecurity​

We’ve been discussing the problem of dominant husbands in marriage. One cause of dominance is overcompensation for something missing in a man’s life.
When a boy grows up without a father present in the home, he lacks the appropriate knowledge of how to love a woman. Likewise, a boy who grows up with a dominant mother—or has had negative experiences with women in general—may lack confidence.


These childhood environments can cause ignorance or insecurity in adulthood, and those traits may lead to overcompensation. I saw this firsthand in one of the most dominant husbands I ever encountered.
Around his wife, this man acted with total control. He was obnoxiously arrogant. When I confronted him in counseling and finally got him to lower his super-macho barrier, he confessed that he was actually very insecure around women.

He told me three things about himself. First, his father was a traveling salesman and was never home during childhood. Second, his mother attempted to dominate him, but he rebelled. And third, as a young boy he had been rejected—memorably so—by several girls.
Those three instances produced a young man with no male role model and an intense fear of being controlled by women. To keep from being hurt again, he built a wall of dominance between himself and his wife.

This man had a good heart, but it became clear that he would never change without counseling and healing of these old wounds. I suggested three distinct steps that needed to take place before healing could occur:

1. He needed to see and understand how the problems of his childhood caused the dominance of his adulthood.
2. He needed to forgive his parents.
3. He needed to admit and understand his dominant behavior.

Together, we discussed how, in Ephesians 5, the Apostle Paul described a godly husband as loving and sacrificial. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” Paul wrote.
Christ’s love for people was not one marked by overbearing dominance. His leadership was not characterized by control.

It was leadership based on selfless love. It was the kind of leadership born of putting another’s needs ahead of his own. It was a leadership based on thoughtfulness, grace, and sensitivity to another’s needs and feelings.
Only after this husband admitted his dominance and began to understand that it was rooted in his own ignorance and insecurity was he able to forgive his parents and find healing.

Once he began the healing process, he began changing his behavior. He started working to love his wife like Christ loves the church.
Ignorance or insecurity are not excuses for dominance in husbands, but they can be causes of dominant attitudes and behavior. Are those traits present in your marriage? If so, consider your childhood, forgive those past hurts, and seek the healing Christ offers.

 

[RiverOL]

To My Friend Who Wants to Leave her Husband​

I remember the conversation vividly. My friends and I were driving to the beach for a girl’s trip. In a rare moment of silence, one friend blared out that she was going to leave her husband because she didn’t love him anymore. As I listened to her reasoning, I silently prayed that God would give us the words to help our hurting friend give her husband and her marriage another chance. Here’s what we shared with her…



Every marriage has seasons of disappointment, frustration, and grind. Sometimes we bring it on ourselves with bad choices or careless mistakes. Other times, we’re blindsided by an unforeseen catastrophe. It’s easy to point fingers during those times. It’s easy to shut down, stop talking, and internalize bitterness or shame. But, those moments–when our hearts are broken and we have thousands of words left unspoken–are the very moments that we need to lean into our spouse the most.
This world tells us that love is a feeling that can come and go. If this is true, then love will fail us every time. And, it will never be

Love is NOT enough, and here’s why

enough to hold a marriage together. But, this is NOT at all how God defines love. The Bible tells us that true love is unconditional. It doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. It protects us. It heals us.
TRUE LOVE NEVER FAILS US.
Even so, there may be moments we feel like giving up on our spouse and ending our marriage. Why is this?
We don’t foresee the healing in our future. We don’t want to put in the work and take the time to get to the root issues.


We’d rather just start over.
But, what we fail to see is that marriage is a lasting commitment that we will always carry with us, regardless of whether or not we move on. God designed it this way. It’s not something we can just shake off and forget.
When we marry, we pledge to give every part of ourselves to our spouse. And, we trust him/her to do the same. In our world today, this is frowned upon because it means we have to be completely vulnerable and put our hearts on the line. This is the beautiful mystery of marriage. When both partners do this to the best of their ability–being naked souls before one another, holding nothing back–there is an incredible, intimate union that forms. And, the more we pursue God and one another, the tighter the bond becomes.
I think most of us go into our marriages wanting this amazing union with our partner. But, life gets in the way, and we forget to be intentional with our time. Our marriage gets put on the back burner, but this is counter to what God wants for our marriage and family.
Our spouse deserves our time and attention every single day–whether or not he/she has earned it. We give it to them because we love him/her, and we’re devoted to making this marriage thrive.


There will be times when we don’t feel like giving our spouse our time and attention–
when we feel like we’re just roommates,
when we feel like he/she isn’t giving us what we want,
when we don’t feel attracted to our spouse anymore,
when the thought of talking with him/her is exhausting,
when it feels like we can’t do anything right,

when we wonder if the marriage was a mistake,
when we decide to stay together “just for the kids,”
when we aren’t sure if we can trust him/her anymore,
when we’ve fallen out of love with our spouse,

when we have a secret that we’re not sure we can ever share with our spouse, and
when we hate being married, but don’t know what to do about it.

These situations can be hurtful, confusing, and potential devastating to our marriage.
But, THEY ARE NOT A REASON TO GIVE UP.
We must be willing to fight for our marriage. It certainly takes BOTH the husband and wife to make it work, but we must be willing to TAKE THE FIRST STEP.
Do those things you enjoyed doing together when you were dating.


Go to that place you’ve always wanted to go together.
Go see a Christian marriage counselor to help you learn how to have a healthier relationship.
Attend a couple’s retreat to strengthen your marriage.
Surround yourself with couples whose marriages are strong.

Pray together every day, and ask God to soften your hearts towards one another.
Increase the physical affection in your relationship, and make love often.
DON’T HOLD BACK. Share what’s on your heart. Be honest and open. Don’t have secrets of any kind that you keep from one another.

Remember–as a husband and wife, you have vowed to be each other’s partner, lover, best friend, encourager, accountability, and person to lean on when the other is weak. Marriage is a beautiful, lifelong partnership when we allow to be. But, we can’t give up when it gets hard. We must press on. Let’s not wonder how things could have been.

A Prayer for my Husband

As far as my friend I referenced at the beginning of this blog, I’m happy to say the weekend trip was a turning point for her. Although we did a lot of listening, as we should all do when a friend has something on his/her heart, my friends and I were also able to speak into her situation.


I certainly don’t have a perfect marriage, nor do I have all the answers, but I know Who does. I’m thankful that God doesn’t abandon us when we have marital problems. He was right there for my friend when she needed Him most. My friend and her husband decided to fight for their marriage with God’s help, and that was seven years ago. Today, their marriage is better than ever. I love seeing the smiles on their faces and great love and respect they have for one another. I feel like I witnessed a marriage miracle, and my friend is so thankful that she refused to give up on her husband.

 

[RiverOL]

How to respond to teenager attitude without losing your mind​

Not that this ever happens. But every now and then our kids (girls and boys) might perhaps display a little attitude. Perhaps it’s an eye roll, a derisive tone, a sudden disrespectful temper. Whatever it is, it’s almost guaranteed to make a parent’s head explode.


We of course never did this. Ever. We were perfect darlings.
We can’t imagine where they get it from.
And yet we still have to address it. Because (in all seriousness), the way we address it will either help our kids learn how to control their less-than-healthy attitudes — or give them license to develop even worse ones. Ones that don’t just drive parents nuts but which can wreck their school friendships… work habits… marriages.
So based on the research with 3,000 teens and pre-teens for For Parents Only and several of my other books, here are three actions to take whenever you see or hear an attitude:

1. Fight disrespect with respect. It is essential that we model the behavior we are looking for, rather than mirror the behavior we’re seeing. The teens told me parents had zero credibility to address their kids’ attitudes when they are doing so with an attitude of their own! Yes, we certainly have every right to demand compliance regardless of how we ourselves behave– but what we most want is a heart shift. For the kid to recognize that their disrespect is hurtful and wrong, and there is another way. Personal confession: I still do this wrong all too often, but what the research has shown me is that if I can pause to get a grip on my own temper, I am far more likely to address my kids’ unhealthy words and actions in a healthy way.


2. Point it out and request a do-over. It is amazing how often kids don’t realize the depth of contempt in their tone, or that their body language screams disdain. So make a habit of drawing attention to it when you see it. Don’t go overboard – the kids said they stopped listening if they heard the same thing 20 times in one day – but simply say something like, “When you say something in that tone, you may not realize it, but what you’re saying is, ‘You’re an idiot, Mom.’”

Make sure you use a calm, matter-of-fact voice. Then ask them to repeat their statement in a more polite way, without the body language, poor tone, and eye-rolls. You may have to try this a couple of times if they are in an emotional state, but over time they will get the hang of it. And if they know they will be asked to repeat themselves more calmly and politely, they will soon start self-regulating to be more calm and polite with you.

3. Address the insecurity under the attitude. Our research discovered that attitudes are like a flashing red warning light — a signal to parents to look at what might be underneath the attitude. Very often, derision or anger shows that this is a kid who simply isn’t feeling very good about herself or himself right now. Maybe she’s feeling unloved and rejected by friends at school.

Maybe he’s feeling stupid and inadequate because he’s getting poor grades. In their pain, kids will often subconsciously lash out with poor words and actions in the one place they hope to be shown “You are loved /believed in even at your worst.” Don’t tolerate the disrespect but also address what is under it. For example, make sure she is given the opportunity to see that she is loved by friends, or that he is given help to overcome his feeling of inadequacy in school. Once they feel more secure in themselves, you’ll see those attitudes a lot less often.

 

[RiverOL]

There is No Rescue From The Arena of Circumstances​

When painful circumstances strike, we all have the same initial impulse. We’ve got to fix it. We have to end the problem. We think pain is something we need to escape, as quickly as possible.

Job’s Circumstances​

The story of Job is not about God rescuing Job from tragic circumstances. Tough as it may be to deal with, God authorized those awful circumstances. The Book of Job is not about ease of situation or salvation from setting. It is about the opportunity of humanity to make choices. Most particularly, choices about whom to trust and how to choose a true perspective in the midst of observed circumstances.


Throughout the story of Job, his friends try to figure out how to rescue him from the circumstances. The voices around him try to solve the problem. Try to fix the pain. Job presses into it.

We get so distracted by trying to control things. We try to explain what we cannot know, justify what we don’t even understand, and make cosmetic changes that at best trade one set of problems for another.
The lesson to be learned from the Book of Job is that there is no rescue from our circumstances. They are meant to challenge us, to develop us, to move us into evaluating our values and taking ownership of our choices.

The Arena​

The circumstances we encounter are the arena in which these choices play out. However, as we learn from Job there are also many circumstances we do not see. We are allowed to see this in Job’s story. The narrative lets us behind-the-scenes; circumstances Job could not see. Yet Job had to decide who to trust, and what perspective to choose without knowing what he could not see. He did not have the full perspective. He simply had the confusing circumstances and the responsibility of his own choices.


We have all encountered difficulty and can resonate with confusion and pain. Difficult choices in the face of hard circumstances hits close to home. Like Job, we must choose before all is known. And we cannot wait around for the arena to change. The choice must be made now, today.
We are not reliving Job’s exact story, but each of us is on a journey. We are living out a drama in the cosmic arena. But there is no script. We get to choose. The arena of life was set according to the purposes of Him who was there at the beginning of creation. But He decided to give us the power to choose who to trust, and what perspective to take. The stadium is packed with cosmic spectators eager to see what we will choose, what we will do.

The solution is not to bail, to refuse to play the game, to run or hide or stomp like an immature child. Our circumstances, even the painful ones, are not there so that we can avoid them. They are there so we might learn from them. That they might spur us into making the kinds of decisions that shape what we will do with this one precious life.

The circumstances of today is the setting, the people we interact with are the players. What remains are the choices before us. Our choice determines who we become. Our essence is intertwined with knowing and being known, and that takes place through daily decisions. Job shows us that choices rooted in faith create a lasting benefit not available in any other way or any other time. It is a benefit that befuddles angels and shakes the cosmos. It is a benefit we can secure when we live life above the circumstances.

 

[RiverOL]

There is No Rescue From The Arena of Circumstances​

When painful circumstances strike, we all have the same initial impulse. We’ve got to fix it. We have to end the problem. We think pain is something we need to escape, as quickly as possible.

Job’s Circumstances​

The story of Job is not about God rescuing Job from tragic circumstances. Tough as it may be to deal with, God authorized those awful circumstances. The Book of Job is not about ease of situation or salvation from setting. It is about the opportunity of humanity to make choices. Most particularly, choices about whom to trust and how to choose a true perspective in the midst of observed circumstances.


Throughout the story of Job, his friends try to figure out how to rescue him from the circumstances. The voices around him try to solve the problem. Try to fix the pain. Job presses into it.

We get so distracted by trying to control things. We try to explain what we cannot know, justify what we don’t even understand, and make cosmetic changes that at best trade one set of problems for another.
The lesson to be learned from the Book of Job is that there is no rescue from our circumstances. They are meant to challenge us, to develop us, to move us into evaluating our values and taking ownership of our choices.

The Arena​

The circumstances we encounter are the arena in which these choices play out. However, as we learn from Job there are also many circumstances we do not see. We are allowed to see this in Job’s story. The narrative lets us behind-the-scenes; circumstances Job could not see. Yet Job had to decide who to trust, and what perspective to choose without knowing what he could not see. He did not have the full perspective. He simply had the confusing circumstances and the responsibility of his own choices.


We have all encountered difficulty and can resonate with confusion and pain. Difficult choices in the face of hard circumstances hits close to home. Like Job, we must choose before all is known. And we cannot wait around for the arena to change. The choice must be made now, today.
We are not reliving Job’s exact story, but each of us is on a journey. We are living out a drama in the cosmic arena. But there is no script. We get to choose. The arena of life was set according to the purposes of Him who was there at the beginning of creation. But He decided to give us the power to choose who to trust, and what perspective to take. The stadium is packed with cosmic spectators eager to see what we will choose, what we will do.
The solution is not to bail, to refuse to play the game, to run or hide or stomp like an immature child. Our circumstances, even the painful ones, are not there so that we can avoid them. They are there so we might learn from them. That they might spur us into making the kinds of decisions that shape what we will do with this one precious life.
The circumstances of today is the setting, the people we interact with are the players. What remains are the choices before us. Our choice determines who we become. Our essence is intertwined with knowing and being known, and that takes place through daily decisions. Job shows us that choices rooted in faith create a lasting benefit not available in any other way or any other time. It is a benefit that befuddles angels and shakes the cosmos. It is a benefit we can secure when we live life above the circumstances.

 

[RiverOL]

4 ways we seek honor and avoid shame​

JACKSON WU




Everyone wants to gain honor and avoid shame. That basic idea is true across time and cultures.[1] And although honor and shame play such a significant role in our lives, we often misunderstand them.
For example, many people assume that shame is entirely bad, something to get rid of. That’s not entirely true. Consider Romans 2:6-7, where Paul says that God…

“will render to each one according to his works: 7 to those who by patience in well-doing seek for glory and honor and immortality, he will give eternal life.”

I’ll mention several ways that we seek honor or recognition and try to avoid shame.[2]

How We Acquire Honor and Shame​

1. Performance and Position​

We acquire honor or shame in two primary ways: through our performance and our position. Americans tend to emphasize performance or achievement. This includes both our failures and successes such as athletics or academics. However, position matters too. We have honor or shame ascribed to us based on titles, labels, relationships, gender, ethnicity, among countless other inherited characteristics.
Here are a few questions that help us identify how our own honor or shame is linked to performance and position.

• What have we accomplished? Where have we failed?
• Who do we know? What titles do we have?

Paul reorients how his Roman readers should think about honor via performance and position. In Romans 2:6-7, he says:

He will render to each one according to his works: 7 to those who by patience in well-doing seek for glory and honor and immortality, he will give eternal life; 8 but for those who are self-seeking and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, there will be wrath and fury. 9 There will be tribulation and distress for every human being who does evil, the Jew first and also the Greek, 10 but glory and honor and peace for everyone who does good, the Jew first and also the Greek. 11 For God shows no partiality.

Likewise, he challenges the ancient Jew who presumed his ethnic identity bestowed unique honor before God. Paul writes,

For no one is a Jew who is merely one outwardly, nor is circumcision outward and physical. 29 But a Jew is one inwardly, and circumcision is a matter of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the letter. His praise is not from man but from God.

Note: Others have referred to “performance” and “position” as achieved and ascribed honor/shame.

2. Public​

Honor and shame are also relative to an audience or a watching public. Our status or social esteem will vary depending on the people around us, especially the number of people around us. The more people who observe us will mean either more honor or more shame.
But also, we have to ask, “Who sees us? Who matters to us?” Perhaps we will be more sensitive to the opinions of our coworkers in front of particular family members. In front of certain strangers, the same action will likely not evoke the same sense of pride or embarrassment.
This should be sufficiently self-explanatory. So, I won’t offer examples.

3. Perspective​

Perspective is the third factor determining the degree of our honor or shame. I refer to the selective nature by which we judge honor and shame.
For example, what criteria to use when assessing honor or shame? Some adults assume they are doing a good job as a parent because their child has good grades or has some other school achievement. Other adults will describe to themselves honor or shame based on the cleanliness of the house and the behavior of the children in public. The criteria we use are selective. By one criterion, I might feel a sense of honor or pride; by another standard, I would feel shame.
Likewise, our degree of honor and shame is based on comparison. I excel or fall short of some standard compared to whom? We can always find someone who is better or worse than us. So, perspective matters. The criteria we use and the comparisons we make will either increase or decrease our honor or shame.

• What things are measured and noticed for excellence?
• Compared to whom?

When we look at Paul’s letters (later), we will see how Paul speaks to each of these areas when using honor and shame.
In the next post, I’ll look at four levels of motivation with respect to honor, shame, and moral decisions.
For a deeper dive, check out a recent talk I gave at Redemption Tempe.

 

[RiverOL]

Running Your Business to the Glory of God​

In her article How ‘Christian’ Should My Small Business Be?, Laura Baxter offers five principles for business owners wondering how to honor Christ with their companies. As she emphasizes, Christians in business should set fair prices and honest scales (Deuteronomy 25:13-16; Proverbs 16:8; Proverbs 20:10). Believers will tell the truth—the whole truth—when they sell a car, house, product, or service. They know that God is watching and will hold them accountable for how they conduct their business (2 Corinthians 5:20).


I would add one more point to her article: Seek to honor Christ with the resources He has entrusted to your business. (When a reader asked about whether as a business owner they should tithe on their gross or net income, here was my answer.)
John Piper writes in Desiring God, “God does not prosper a man’s business so he can move from a Ford to a Cadillac. God prospers a business so that 17,000 unreached peoples can be reached with the gospel. He prospers the business so that 12 percent of the world’s population can move a step back from the precipice of starvation.”

I had a phone conversation with a man who had recently read The Treasure Principle. He owns a profitable business and now believes for the first time that he knows why God has blessed him financially. It’s not so he can drive nicer cars and live in a nicer house. It’s to give it to build God’s kingdom. As I told him about a dozen different missions groups, pro-life projects, prison ministries, and ways to help persecuted Christians, he was moved by all the wonderful investment options. He finished our conversation determined to liquidate more assets to dramatically expand his eternal investment portfolio. I wish you could have heard the excitement in his voice. This man isn’t a reluctant, guilt-ridden giver. He’s a man who has been released from material bondage. He’s thrilled to have finally gotten onboard with what matters!


In sharing this, I don’t want to dismiss that it’s been a challenging last year for many small businesses. My heart goes out to business owners who have struggled to keep their businesses afloat. Honoring God with the resources He’s entrusted to us doesn’t always mean things will go smoothly, that we’ll have a prosperous business, or that God must always give back to us exactly what we give up, or ten or a hundred times more, in some kind of karma-like transaction. Sometimes He gives us joy or patience or endurance as we make real sacrifices for Him—and such intangible gifts are precious.

Consider these stories about Christian business owners, from my book Giving Is the Good Life. Their examples can inspire us and give us footsteps to follow:
Out of a deep love for Jesus, Pete and Debbie Ochs decided to acquire a business constructing industrial products in prisons. They employ inmates, some of whom have committed violent crimes. They invest in these prisoners’ lives by offering life lessons on topics like parenting, finances, and relationships. Pete says, “In one of our life lessons, we presented this whole concept of generosity and challenged [the prisoners] that we would match dollar for dollar any dollar that they gave to one of a number of charities and we gave them a list. It was amazing the amount of money that these prisoners gave to charity. . . . Most of the charities . . . existed to help the victims of the crimes that they committed.”4


Pete’s ministry to prisoners reflects the heartbeat of Scripture. Ephesians 4:28 says, “Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may—”
That they may what? Have only enough to live on so they no longer have to steal? No. “That they may have something to share with those in need” (NIV, emphasis added). Giving isn’t just for those with squeaky-clean records; it’s for all of us.
Pete and Debbie’s overflowing good life has not only brought these men the gospel but has also introduced them to the overflow of joyful giving so they, too, can experience abundant life.

---

Henry Kaestner’s company, Bandwidth, received a lucrative contract they really needed to stay afloat. When they discovered that business’s affiliation with the adult entertainment industry, Bandwidth could have looked the other way. But they knew that would put them at odds with God’s principles. Heeding the warnings in his Word, they canceled the deal. Soon their financial position looked bad.
Sometimes making ethical business decisions reduces profits. Refusing to compromise morally can even result in a failed business.


In Henry Kaestner’s case, Bandwidth turned around dramatically after that decision, becoming the fourth-fastest-growing privately held company in the country. For a while, Henry and his wife, Kimberley, gave away 20 percent of their income, thinking double tithing was impressive. But Henry said, “[God] wants our hearts. Now we can give much more radically. We intend to give away half, and the lion’s share of the rest is invested in Christian-led private companies in Asia.”
Henry added, “There’s an incredible joy when you participate in the work of God. It’s remarkably fulfilling, because it fills up the hole that would otherwise contain idols that take the place of God.”

---

Dave and Jessica Lindsey were invited to help build a house for a Mexican family, which dramatically changed their perspective on generosity and what it means to love the poor. Later, they and their three children served for three months in Japan with a mission group. They shared their one-bedroom apartment with three single staff men, who slept in the living room. They had one bathroom and a tiny kitchenette. That challenging experience heightened their sense of world need and made them want to do more to make a difference.


The Lindseys decided they shouldn’t keep these experiences to themselves. So their $450 million company, Defender Direct, now sends hundreds of employees and their families to Mexico every year to build homes, paying all expenses.
The giving only grew from there. Defender employees are also given days off to volunteer, and they are invited to participate in what the Lindseys call the Super Service Challenge. After employees volunteer with a ministry, they’re asked, “What would this nonprofit do if they were given $5,000 or $10,000?”

The chosen teams win that amount of money for the charity they serve. Dave says, “We went from being a giving company to a company of givers. It is really fun to work at a company full of givers.” He adds, “There is a greater purpose for our business than simply making money.” That purpose is not only to give away profits but also to create a climate in which people see giving consistently modeled. Generous giving becomes the conscious norm rather than the occasional exception.

---

When he was young, Matt McPherson sought the Lord’s direction for his life. Matt built archery bows and asked God for the wisdom to build the best bows in the world. He developed the single cam bow and now owns one of the world’s largest archery bow companies.


Matt started other business ventures, including McPherson Guitars, which he began with his father. Their goal is to make money to impact the world. They now fully support more than seven hundred missionaries worldwide.
Matt’s story is another one that makes me thank God for furthering His Kingdom by not calling some people to spend their lives as pastors or missionaries—people such as Stanley Tam, Art DeMoss, David Green, and a number of others whose stories I tell in Giving Is the Good Life.

There are millions of faithful business and professional people, including musicians, artists, and athletes, spread across the world. If Matt has fully funded seven hundred missionaries, how many tens of thousands of other missionaries have been able to go do their work because believers in secular vocations have faithfully used their gifts and passions to build businesses that generously send and support them? And while supporting missionaries, they themselves serve Christ in the unique mission fields of their businesses and neighborhoods.

 

[RiverOL]

From atheist to Christian: A science teacher challenged me to rethink my atheism​

What would it take for you to move from staunch atheism towards Christianity? For Frank Federico, it was a combination of factors. Jana Harmon, whose PhD research is in adult conversion, shares a little of Frank’s story.

Frank was a thinker. He valued knowledge. In fact, he is a high school teacher whose prior atheism flowed from his belief in religion’s apparent irrationality, its irreconcilability with science, and apparent lack of objective or historical evidence. His resistance towards belief was reinforced by his admitted lack of desire due to what he had experienced with Christian hypocrisy, and lack of any positive personal experience with religion or God. For Frank, Christianity was neither attractive nor plausible, and he did not give it much thought except to dismiss it.

Early Years​

Although 23 years removed from his conversion, Frank recalled his story as if it was just yesterday. He spoke with authority and precision, no doubt the result of years of class room instruction as a history teacher, telling his own history.
He was raised in an Italian family, attending Catholic schools. But for Frank:

“It was nothing but going to church. There was no community. We would sit in the very back seat of the church every Sunday. We would get their first and we would leave first. There was no interrelation with anybody.”

There were phases during which he was devout, participating in the church sacraments, completing Confirmation, and receiving communion, but he gave up religious belief into his teenage years. Frank reflected:

“I started to ask more questions about what we believe. My parents weren’t able to give me answers. It reached the point where I stopped going to church and there was not much they could do about it at 15.”

School Years​

Frank’s doubt regarding the credibility of religious belief was compounded by the inability of his religious school teachers to provide substantive answers to his questions. He wondered how the supernatural nature of biblical stories could fit with his science education. For Frank, religion had no intellectual credibility:

“If you are going to believe something, you have to have good grounds for it. And I didn’t believe that anyone who had a faith had any good grounds. I thought it was for less educated people. It was a superstition that gave comfort, but I was not interested in that.”

Reinforcing his doubts, Frank’s sceptical friends dismissed religion and its moral mandates. They didn’t want Christianity to be true and neither did he. He explains:

“I didn’t care about religion because it just did not suit the kind of person that I was at that time. Religion imposes morality and I didn’t want that either. I just didn’t want to know. Disbelief fit in nicely with where I wanted to be, because I honestly didn’t want moral constraints. I wanted to let loose, to try anything. I lived a highly immoral life. I justified all of these vices and I didn’t care. We lived a life of debauchery and never thought twice about it because we saw it on TV. That’s what young people do.”

University Years​

In time, Frank moved from mere indifference towards religion to antagonism:

“When I got into university, I really was quite hostile to anyone who wanted to talk with me about faith because I thought that belief was nonsense. I thought, ‘You don’t even know why you believe what you do. You have been brainwashed to believe this.’ I was resentful of what I thought had been misleading teaching…I thought of Christianity as a cult, Christians as fanatics.”

As an atheist, Frank knew he was against religion but admittedly he had not examined his own atheistic presumptions:

“I wasn’t an informed atheist. I wouldn’t have known all of the arguments that I have now read and been exposed to as a Christian. It wasn’t a sophisticated atheism.”

As someone who loved history, he had believed sceptical television documentaries undermining the reliability of the New Testament biographies of Jesus. As someone who respected science, he had embraced the view that evolution disproved the need for God. Admittedly, he hadn’t thought much beyond that.
Frank’s atheism became a comfortable identity. A life without God was his “state of play” until, at the age of 27, he met a new teacher at his school who disrupted his understanding of Christians and Christianity through an unexpected encounter.

A Significant Bus Ride​

Four years into his career as a high school teacher, he was responsible for organizing and staffing a school camp. Another teacher, David, had been recommended as a potential camp chaperone, but it wasn’t a welcomed suggestion. Frank recalled:

“The only thing I knew was that he was a science teacher and a Christian, and for me that made no sense. I didn’t want to know this guy. I didn’t want to have much to do with him.”

But Frank’s hope of avoidance was not realized. On the morning of camp departure, the only spare seat on the bus was next to David. It was only an hour ride, but this unexpected meeting opened him towards reconsidering his views about belief in God.

“This encounter was a transformative conversation. This was the change. This was the first time that I had met a Christian who was intelligent or seemingly intelligent who could answer some of the questions that I had. I raised objections to Christianity, like the Crusades, and he agreed that they were problems and I did not expect that. I talked about issues of science with him. How can you believe when you are a scientist? He gave me some explanations.

He was a humble sort of character and that was also disarming. I was prepared to get into a real argument and he wasn’t that type. I found this whole experience quite strange because I had spent an hour talking to him and I realized that he is a really nice person, and I enjoyed having this conversation. He made me think about some things that I had not really thought about. He certainly didn’t convert me in that conversation. But, what he did was break down some barriers for me…It was an eye-opener.”

A Significant Book​

An avid reader, Frank was in a book club promoting history books. The week following camp, the club’s ‘book of the month’ was entitled Jesus, The Historical Evidence. Apart from his pivotal conversation with David, he would have ignored it altogether. Reading the book in order to disprove Christianity, Frank was surprised at its contents:

“I was completely besotted with this 300-page book. I read it in two days. This book actually disproved what I believed about the unreliability of the New Testament. It argued that the New Testament is essentially reliable, the Gospels were written within the lifetime of eyewitnesses, and there is archaeological evidence which confirms the data in the Gospels. No longer were these books myths for me. They were actually works of history…

The ultimate question for me was ‘Why did the early Christians believe this? Why did they go through the amount of suffering that they did?’ They could have just as easily been quiet. I looked at alternative explanations for their behavior. Bringing it back to a first century origin made a difference for me. Again, it didn’t convert me, but what it did was to remove one of the biggest obstacles to trust in the Christian message, and that is that there are grounds for belief.”

Although Frank was surprised at the book’s convincing substance, he continued to resist:

“My desire was not to believe. My desire was to disprove this. But, as I was doing that, I was reading things that were challenging my unbelief. And, I wasn’t expecting that. There were still plenty of things that didn’t make sense, so I wrote those things down and I went back to David and asked him if he wouldn’t mind answering some of my questions. He was more than willing. At the time, I would not have expected that. At the time, I would not imagine that someone wanted to talk about these things.”

Significant Conversations​

Frank wasn’t expecting a Christian, David, to be intelligent, willing to engage in reasonable, evidenced-based discussion about science or about the bible. But it made a difference:

“Talking to someone like David who is a science teacher and a believer in God got rid of the idea that the two were incompatible, but that science and the existence of God can coalesce. I wanted to meet someone with the integrity and intelligence, chiefly coming from the science realm, who could allow me the possibility of thinking that a God does exist…So, if it is possible to believe in God, of course miracles can happen. And given that so much of the historical narrative has been shown to be historically reliable, then why not also those components?”

Frank and David met weekly to address lingering questions. Eventually, he began to read the New Testament, starting with the book of Acts since he thought it to be a historical book, underlying in red pen everything that didn’t make sense. Frank then met with David to talk discuss what he was reading, remaining inwardly resistant:

“My attitude was still one of unbelief and hostility. I challenged everything. I threw everything at him. I grilled him all of the time. But there were answers! The more time I spent time with him, the more I got to like him. We spent hours talking and we actually developed a friendship. We had a lot of things in common…There was this relationship developing which was completely unexpected.”

Clarity​

For Frank, these weekly discussions brought more clarity as to what Christianity is not as well as what it actually is, changing his willingness to reconsider both its truth and its goodness.

“I found that as I was reading through Acts and as I moved on to the letters of Paul, I was learning so much. I could see that Christianity is good in its purest form. There were still things I didn’t believe and found hard to accept, but the message itself as I came to understand it was just not something that I could hate anymore.
We read through a little book – seven steps for what Christians actually believe.

There was a chapter about grace that was transformative because I felt the weight of that message, that we are not saved by our works. I grasped the forgiveness of Christ and my unworthiness. When you believe ‘You can make up for your own sins’ then you keep on trying hard and Jesus is not so significant. When the message is, ‘You can’t make up for your own sins and you have to depend entirely on Jesus’ it caused me to think about all of my sins and everything that I have done.

I said, ‘I can’t believe this! This is overwhelming. I have done so many wrong things, how can he possibly forgive me?’ But David explained that Jesus can! And so, that was the turning point, understanding that message. That is when I became a Christian. But that was after months and months of meeting that I reached the point and said, ‘I think it is true and I am glad that is true.’”

The Later Years​

The puzzle pieces all came together – God’s existence, the compatibility of science and faith, the historical reliability of Scripture, completed with the gospel of grace. Frank said:

“My life changed so much at that point! It was so exciting and it hasn’t quite left me actually, I have such a thirst to know more.”

Now, he actively engages with others who were just like his earlier self, skeptics of religious belief. He is intentional about living out his beliefs with integrity – far removed from his prior lifestyle. Frank leads Bible and apologetics study groups, speaks to students, and is pursuing a graduate degree in theology.
He now thoroughly embraces the God he once resisted. What was once unthinkable became profoundly true and good.