In step

[RiverOL]

Why Won’t My Spouse Change?​

In Ephesians 5:22-33, the Apostle Paul gives God’s blueprint for a successful marriage. It describes the ideal husband, who loves his wife as Christ loves the Church. It describes the ideal wife, who honors and submits to her husband “as to the Lord.”
When couples come to me for counseling, I share this passage with them, and we always agree that a marriage based on these roles would be healthier and holier. But while husbands and wives are always ready for their spouse to commit to their biblical roles, making a change in themselves can be much more difficult.
Why is this? I’ve identified three reasons people resist making big changes to their own lives.

1. Fear of Going First

I’ll do it when she does it. Or, I’m not changing until he does. They are reluctant to transform their own lives until their spouses change. This is because it makes them vulnerable, and they are afraid of being taken advantage of.
What if I submit to him and then he walks all over me? What if I give myself up for her and she becomes even more of a control freak? Relationships already marked by pride and hurt tend to result in this kind of stubborn standoff.

1. Societal Influence

Why do men turn into selfish, pseudo-macho egomaniacs instead of sacrificial overseers? Because that’s the model of manhood our culture likes to show us. Why do women react with hostility to the idea of submission? Because radical feminism has loaded that word with such negative baggage.
But if we believe that the Bible really does have the blueprint for a successful marriage, then we must pursue these roles as a test of faith. A sacrificial husband and a submissive wife may cut against society’s grain, but they will be rewarded with deep satisfaction in their marriage.

1. Lack of Belief

Sometimes husbands and wives fight their biblical role because they just don’t believe it will work. “Without faith it is impossible to please God,” the author of Hebrews wrote, “because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6).
Faith in God’s Word is the only logical choice for any Christian. If we believe the Bible, then we should do what it says. If our marriage isn’t working, then we should follow the roles the Bible prescribes for a healthier marriage.

Are you attempting, each day, to live as your spouse’s ideal mate as described in Ephesians 5:22-33? If not, what keeps you from fulfilling those roles?
If it is fear of going first, then trust God to lovingly bring your spouse along beside you as you are personally transformed by the power of God.
If it is fear of what society says, then ask yourself: Is what the world thinks of me more important than a successful marriage?
If it is lack of belief, then ask God to strengthen your faith in Him, in His word, and in His plan for you and your spouse.

 

[RiverOL]

Go Small to Go Big​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone—Galatians 6:10​

Once we’ve decided to do something, we men often like to “go big.” We think to ourselves: if we’re going to do this thing, let’s really do it. We can bring this kind of thinking, this “go big” mentality, to all kinds of work, even the work God calls us into—that is, the work of loving and serving others. Great things can result, of course. But the mentality can backfire, too—for example, when we set our ambitions too high, get overwhelmed, and can’t follow through. It’s interesting that, knowing us as he does, our King, Jesus Christ, suggests an opposite approach: “This is a large work I’ve called you into, but don’t be overwhelmed by it. It’s best to start small. Give a cool cup of water to someone who is thirsty, for instance. The smallest act of giving or receiving makes you a true apprentice” (Matthew 10:40-42 MSG). Start small! Why does something rise up in our hearts, against that approach? Well, it’s mostly because by “going big” we hope to grab a little glory for ourselves. We want others to see us and think well of us. And if we don’t “go big,” they might not actually see our accomplishments. But, Jesus reassures us: “You won’t lose out on a thing” (Matthew 10:42 MSG). We must trust his words and trust that God the Holy Spirit can do amazing things within even our smallest, most ordinary acts of love and service. And that’s plenty big for any of us.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Look around, today and tomorrow, for people in need. People are hurting, people right around you. “Go to the lost, confused people right here in the neighborhood” (Matthew 10:5-8 MSG). Pick one person and blow them away with some help.

 

[RiverOL]

Blessed to Bless​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap—Luke 6:38​

Have you been blessed? [Pause for a moment to consider.] What’s your reaction to that question? Is it easy to see how and how much you’ve been blessed? Or is it difficult, especially with so many people around who’ve been blessed more? Well, make no mistake; all of us have been blessed (Genesis 1:28). I mean, do you have a job, some money, enough to eat, a safe place to live, family, some friends, a church, or an education? It may be in unique ways and in varying degrees, but we’ve all been blessed . . . abundantly. So how then should we think about these blessings? I mean, how can we reconcile the fact that we’ve been blessed with so much—so much more than countless men and women alive right now in other parts of this country and around the world? The only way to think about our blessings, brother, is to view them as means to bless others. And the only way to view ourselves, then, is blessed to bless others. You see, knowing what we do about God and about his intentions for us (Matthew 22:36-39), how could we ever conclude otherwise? How could we ever conclude that we’ve been blessed simply so that we may live in comfort and security and isolation? What kind of story would that be, anyway? No, we must view these blessings as personal invitations into God’s much greater story of blessing other people.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Take a few minutes to note the specific ways you’ve been blessed this year. Focus your mind on seeing the true blessings, especially the ones that you might have gotten used to and begun taking for granted. Write them down and spend some time in prayer, thanking God for what he’s given you.

 

[RiverOL]

Failure is on the Menu​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities—2 Corinthians 12:10​

We men are often just wrong about failure. It seems we’ve all decided that if we ever experience failure, we're then failures. It’s not true. Failure is integral to human life, the way God designed it. Look at Abraham, Jacob, Moses, David, Peter—all experienced failure, because they were mere humans. Mere humans fail every so often . . . and it’s good that we do. Failure refines us. We mature through failures because we learn from them—much more than from successes. Through failures our character is formed (Romans 5:3-5). No man can become who he’s supposed to become without experiencing some failure in his life. Failure also fuels us . . . or, rather, the potential for failure. While we may not like failure, we like to face its potential. We like to be tested. It’s why we like competition. It’s why we like risk. It’s often the excitement of uncertain outcomes that drives us to learn from failures and improve, in the hope of avoiding more. But the potential for failure must be real. And when it is real, we will sometimes fail. The danger, of course, is in getting stuck—in the shame of failures past or the fear of failures future, or maybe both. When we do, failure defeats us: we live dull lives, devoid of daring. But we need not get stuck. We can, instead, reject the shame of failure and learn to deal with it—by acknowledging fault; confessing and repenting (if sin was involved); facing any consequences; allowing God to teach us what we need to learn . . . and then moving on.

Okay, so what do we do?​ What are one or two big risks you’d like to take in the coming weeks and months? Write them down, commit to them, and tell some friends about them—so they can spur you on.

 

[RiverOL]

What Worked? What Didn’t?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come—2 Corinthians 5:17​

God’s at work in us—every one of us—whether we can see it or not (Philippians 2:13). He’s working to transform our character into the character of his son, our King, Jesus Christ. And he’ll continue working until the work is complete (Philippians 1:6). Our job is to join him. Our job is to follow Jesus and work ourselves, in obedience, to increase the amount goodness and light in our lives . . . and to decrease the opposite: “. . . do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, ‘You shall be holy, for I am holy.’” (1 Peter 1:14-16). Who among us doesn’t need more goodness and more light? That’s rhetorical, of course. And when’s a better time to increase our intentionality about increasing our holiness than at the beginning of a new year? That’s rhetorical too. So how do we? Well, we get intentional by looking at the choices we’ve been making—whom we’ve been spending time with, the practices we’ve been engaging in, the experiences we’ve been enjoying. We get intentional by taking time to reflect upon those choices . . . and upon their results. And we get intentional by deciding which relationships, which practices, which experiences we’d like more of, going forward, because they increase holiness—and which we’d like less of, because they don’t.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Consider the past twelve months. What was good? Who was good for you? What worked? What wasn’t so good? What didn’t work? Now, draw up (and commit to) a simple, practical, achievable plan for bringing more of what’s been good, and what’s worked for you, into the next twelve months . . . and less of what wasn’t and what didn’t.

 

[RiverOL]

When You’re Just . . . Done​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding—Proverbs 3:5​

Is there any belief you’ve simply gotten tired of believing? Is there any belief you’ve held onto, stubbornly, for too long now? We men are so good at holding onto things, even after they’ve shown themselves to be detrimental. Sometimes these stubborn beliefs are about God. Sometimes they’re about other people. Sometimes they’re about us. And, sometimes, it’s just time to change our minds. We can you know. It’s not an easy thing to do, of course, changing our minds, changing our beliefs—but we don’t have to do it on our own. God will help, if we ask. All we must do is decide we want to change our minds—like the man who brought his son, the one who couldn’t speak, to Jesus. This man had real doubts about Jesus, and about what Jesus could do, but he decided he wanted to change his mind about those doubts . . . and he asked for help: “Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, ‘I believe; help my unbelief!’” (Mark 9:24). Changing our minds—to align our beliefs with those of God—is one way we step out of our old selves and into our new selves. It’s one way we begin to become the men God intends us to become.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Are you tired of being a skeptic? Are you tired of being bitter or unforgiving? Are you tired of being too hard on yourself? Something else? The Apostle Paul told us what to do when we identify an old, worn-out belief: “Get rid of it!” (Ephesians 4:20-24 MSG). Get rid of it by naming it and bringing it to God in prayer. Tell him you’re tired of being that man—hard-hearted and unbending. Tell him you’d like his help in becoming a new man.

 

[RiverOL]

Minimum Safe Distance​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace—Hebrews 4:16​

Have you gotten to where you stay at a “minimum safe distance” from God, for fear of what he might ask—what assignment he might put on your heart, what calling he might put on your life? Do you ever worry, if you allow yourself to get too close, he might leverage his position to press you to become . . . say . . . a monk in the mountains; or missionary to Africa; or evangelist at your work; or confessor to your friends; or something else, equally disrupting to your plans? For many of us men, fears like these characterize our relationships with God. You see, we know the plans we have for ourselves—plans for good things ahead—and we trust ourselves to know what’s “good.” So, we’re wary of potential disruptions, even from the God we love. King David wrote, though, it’s precisely when we close the distance to God that we actually discover what we’ve been looking for, all along: “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). Not the “boredom of your heart” or “annoyance of your heart” or “frustration of your heart”—the “desires of your heart”—what you’ve always wanted, but haven’t found. The key, brother, is trust (Psalm 37:5). We must trust that the God of the universe might know better what is, in fact, “good” for us. And we must trust that he wills our good and knows how to bring it about (Psalm 37:5-6).

Okay, so what do we do?​ What's been on your heart, or in your mind, to do that you've not yet done . . . reading Scripture regularly, joining some brothers in community, confessing something to a friend? God's put that thing on your heart to bring you closer to him. Go ahead, move closer.

 

[RiverOL]

What Moves Your Heart?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . give, and it will be given to you—Luke 6:38​

When we begin following Jesus Christ, he shapes for us new hearts—just as God promised for Israel: “I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezekiel 36:26; Ephesians 4:17-24). These new hearts move more like God’s heart. They are not, however, all shaped alike. They still reflect our God-created and God-anointed individuality (1 Corinthians 12:14-20). Notice when you view tough situations—sometimes your heart is moved, deeply. Notice also—sometimes it isn’t. You see, we’re all created for good works (Ephesians 2:10). But, as individuals, we aren’t created for every work. We couldn’t possibly be. We’re all called to help those in need (Matthew 22:39; 1 John 3:17-18). But, as individuals, we aren’t called to every need. Near his death, St. Francis of Assisi prayed for his fellow friars: “I have done what is mine to do. May Christ teach you what is yours.” The movements of our new hearts are one way God teaches us what is ours. For our hearts are made to notice, to care, to move more for certain people and certain needs: when their needs are met, our hearts are satisfied; when they aren’t, our hearts hurt with their hearts. So here’s the good part—when we become aware of the movements of our new hearts, and begin working ourselves to meet the needs of people who are ours to help, we increase not only their joy, but ours too.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Continue to bend your focus away from yourself, brother. Take some time to consider your heart. Can you identify the particular people and particular needs for which it moves, uniquely?

 

[RiverOL]

He Calls Us Still​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God—Romans 3:23​

As his men, we’re called to be like Jesus. We’re commanded to love just like he does (John 13:34-35). That’s a tall order. It’s easy to feel less-than-qualified, what with all our faults and bad choices, both intentional and unintentional. In fact, it’s easy to feel totally disqualified. Our mistakes—we carry their shame, we try to forget them. But we can’t forget. So we hide them instead, hoping, at least, to appear qualified. But they’re always there. And the thing is, when everyone else is hiding their mistakes too, it can feel like we’re the only ones with failings. So, not only do we feel disqualified, we can also feel separate. But our mistakes don’t separate us from everyone else. They actually connect us. Whether we admit them or not, they’re one thing we all share (Romans 3:23). Our mistakes make us human. They also don’t disqualify us from the call to love like Jesus. You see, Jesus knows our mistakes; we can’t hide them from him. And yet he calls us still. We must confess and repent the mistakes we’ve made—and try to make fewer going forward—but Jesus doesn’t give up on us because of our mistakes (Mark 2:17). And, in fact, our mistakes (and the darkness that follows) can actually prepare us for his call. They can prepare us to love. They can teach us compassion and humility. They can also give us the authority to speak, as men who’ve been through darkness and pain, and who’ve returned.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Make a list. Write down mistakes you’ve made. Pray over them. Consider how you’ve grown from them. Consider how God might be redeeming them—how they might have actually prepared you to love and help those people for whom your heart moves.

 

[RiverOL]

7 Tips to Revive Sexual and Emotional Intimacy with Your Partner​

Many couples who come to my office for counseling complain that they have drifted apart and have lost sexual intimacy in their marriage or relationship. If this is true of you, you may not be connecting emotionally, which can lead to detachment and lack of passion.

Michelle, 43, put it like this: “Joshua rarely initiates sex anymore and I admit that I don’t feel sexually attracted to him. We’re just not on the same page and it’s been months since we had sex. The biggest problem is that I don’t feel close to him anymore and I worry we’ll split up.”


Joshua, 46, responds, “I love Michelle but whenever I approach her sexually, she says she’s tired. After a while, I just stopped and it seems like we’ll never get back on track.”
What is the secret to helping you and your partner revive your sex life and fall back in love? Couples who “turn toward” one another rather than “turning away” are more likely to be happy and less likely to be headed for misery and/or divorce court according to Dr. John Gottman. In other words, couples need to make more of an effort to stay emotionally connected, listen, and remain interested in each other.
In his book The Relationship Cure, Dr. Gottman writes: “It’s not that these couples don’t get mad or disagree. It’s that when they disagree, they’re able to stay connected and engaged with each other. Rather than becoming defensive and hurtful, they pepper their disputes with flashes of affection, intense interest, and mutual respect.”

Author Teresa Atkin advises couples to rewire their brains to experience feelings of pleasure so they can experience emotional and sexual closeness. She reminds us that the human brain, while wonderfully complex, doesn’t always work in our best interest and we need to rewire it in order to experience pleasurable feelings. She writes, “Research shows that we get a healthy shot of dopamine (those feel good hormone) when we are seeking reward, and when there is something new to experience. Also, excitement is transferable, so the heightened arousal that follows say, a roller coaster ride, can be used to rev up your sex life.”


Here are 7 tips to help you rev up your sexual intimacy:

• Examine your degree of intimacy or detachment: This includes ways you might be denying your partner or coming on too strong sexually.
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• Avoid criticizing each other and stop the “blame game.” You are responsible for your own happiness. It’s not always your partner’s fault when you lack passion or disagree.
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• Break the pursuer-distancer pattern. Distancers need to practice initiating sex more often and pursuers need to find ways to tell their partner “you’re sexy,” while avoiding critique after sex. Try to see things from your partners point of view.
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• Repair after conflicts skillfully. Don’t put aside resentments that can destroy your relationship. Experiencing conflict is inevitable and couples who strive to avoid it are at risk of developing stagnant relationships, posits author Kate McNulty, LCSW, in Managing Conflict to Protect Your Relationship.
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• Increase physical affection. According to author Dr. Kory Floyd, physical contact releases feel good hormones. Holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that reduces pain and causes a calming sensation. Studies show that it’s released during sexual orgasm and affectionate touch as well. Physical affection also reduces stress hormones – lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
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• Allow sexual tension to build. Our brains experience more pleasure when the anticipation of the reward goes on for some time before we get the actual reward. So take your time, share fantasies, change locations, and make sex more romantic.
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• Make time to spend with your partner on a daily basis. Try a variety of activities that can bring you both pleasure. Have fun courting your partner and practice flirting with him or her. Don’t forget to cuddle on the couch and surprise your partner with a kiss.

Most of all, don’t lose hope. Even if your relationship is going through a dry spell, it doesn’t have to mean you are headed for divorce court. Practicing emotional attunement while relaxing together can help you stay connected in spite of your differences. This means “turning toward” one another, showing empathy, and not being defensive. Even if you’re not a touchy-feely person, increasing physical affection can help you to sustain a deep, meaningful bond.
Believe or not, talking about problems with sexual intimacy can sometimes make things worse unless you are meeting with a marriage counselor. For your marriage or romantic relationship to thrive, it’s important to remain calm and not jump to conclusions. If you’re not seeing a positive change after several months, meeting with a professional counselor can help you reconnect sexually and emotionally.

 

[RiverOL]

How You Can Increase Your Emotional Intelligence​

The good news is that social awareness, an element of emotional intelligence, is improved through practice, according to Dr. Travis Bradberry. Emotional intelligence is the aspect of our lives that’s unique but intangible. It affects how we manage our actions and words, navigate social complexities, and make decisions. Once you train your brain by repeatedly using strategies to improve your emotional intelligence, emotionally intelligent behaviors become second nature.



According to Michael Akers, each one of us must develop the mature emotional intelligence skills required to better understand, empathize and negotiate with other people — particularly close family members (spouse, children, etc.). “Your EQ is the level of your ability to understand other people, what motivates them and how to work cooperatively with them,” says Howard Gardner, the influential Harvard theorist.
The ability to recognize an emotion as it “happens” is the key to your EQ. Developing self-awareness requires tuning in to your true feelings. If you evaluate your emotions, you can manage them. The major elements of emotional intelligence related to interpersonal relating are:

• Emotional awareness. Your ability to recognize your own emotions and their effects.
• Self-confidence. Sureness about your self-worth and capabilities.
• Self-control. Managing disruptive impulses.
• Trustworthiness. Maintaining standards of honesty and integrity.
• Conscientiousness. Taking responsibility for your own performance or behavior.
• Adaptability. Handling change with flexibility.
• Innovation. Being open to new ideas.

In Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman explains that the above skills need to be employed during encounters that aren’t stressful for couples (as well as in the heat of the battle). If couples rehearse, these skills will become a partner’s first or natural response. However, in spite of becoming emotionally intelligent, married couples have filters that affect how successfully they navigate differences. These are things like distractions, emotional states, or self-protection, that impact their ability to listen and respond appropriately to his or her partner.

In general, people that have higher emotional intelligence tend to feel more confident socially and emotionally in a variety of situations. Parents play a big role in this and can encourage their children to start identifying and expressing their emotions at a young age. They can also teach them to express empathy to others by making comments such as “Are you OK” when their friends or family members are distressed or hurt physically.
The skills of emotional intelligence are also taught by teachers and modeled by peers and mentors. Keep in mind that we are all role-models and can influence each other by our actions and words every day – hopefully in a positive way that will endure the test of time.

 

[RiverOL]

How a Family Meeting Can Help Everyone Communicate​

As a therapist, many parents complain to me that there is too much conflict and that they’re all going in different directions. As a result, communication between members can be ineffective and tense. This is especially true when parents are trying to raise children and teenagers who participate in afterschool activities and have converging interests and needs.



For instance, Alana, 46, a single mom with three children, ages ten to fifteen, wants her kids to get along better, stop bickering and arguing, and to be more respectful to her and each other.
Alana reflects, “We all love each other but our schedules are hectic and I don’t have a partner to help me manage my kids’ activities and implement rules and discipline.
During our counseling session, I explained that family meetings can be useful to plan events and to hash out new roles, rules and problems that exist between family members. They can give everyone an opportunity to clear the air when discussing concerns.

For the most part, a family meeting is a good place to be vulnerable with each other and to let your feelings, thoughts, and needs be heard by other members in a safe atmosphere. As long as feelings are stated in a non-blameful way, solutions can be reached through compromise and good listening skills discussed under “8 Rules of Family Meetings” below.
The immense effort it can take to get all family members together is one space is worthwhile in most cases. But by no stretch of the imagination are these meetings easy or without conflict. The most important aspects of the family meeting are structure, flexibility, active listening, and having a recorder to write all your findings down.

Here are 4 Tips for Setting Up Family Meetings:

1. All members need to have choices regarding the day and time of the meeting. It’s important to try not to leave anyone out, meet on a regular basis, and set a time limit.
2. Family members are advised to write down complaints, suggestions, or grievances on a slip and put them in a box. A meeting can be held when there are several slips in the box or about once a week.
3. It is a good idea to request a different volunteer at each meeting to be a scribe and to keep these notes in an agreed upon location in your home.
4. Any family member can request a family meeting with at least one days’ notice given to other members.

8 Rules of Family Meetings:

1. Practice tolerance and fairness. The thoughts and feelings of all family members count equally regardless of age or status.
2. All family members turn off electronic devices during meetings unless someone is on call or has an elderly relative.
3. Ask a volunteer to write down the agenda for the next meeting and to post it in a prominent place in your home.
4. Feelings are accepted and validated and not judged to be right or wrong, reasonable or unreasonable.
5. No accusations and name-calling are allowed at meetings. The best way to avoid this is to use “I” statements rather than “You” statements. For instance, if you are feeling upset because your kids leave their dishes in the sink, it’s more effective to say, “I would appreciate it if you’d put your dishes in the dishwasher,” rather than “You kids are slobs and never clean up after yourself.”
6. The problem-solving stage comes next, and this is the time for compromise after brainstorming solutions. The adults need to take the lead here because they have more experience. However, children often come up with creative solutions and feel empowered when they can share them without criticism. Once a solution has been accepted by most family members, write it down and post it in a location in our home for all to view.
7. Take a Break if anyone feels flooded. If there’s a lot of conflict between family members, it’s a good idea to take a twenty-minute break or schedule a smaller meeting for members when family members can more easily feel validated and work towards a compromise. But don’t let more than twenty-four hours go by until you meet again.
8. End family meetings on a positive note. Be sure to conclude meetings with positive feedback and encouragement so that family members will feel okay or even good about coming to meetings again.

Keep in mind that the focus of a family meeting is to address how the family is doing as a whole, rather than individual grievances. Be sure that everyone has a chance to speak and be heard. All family members are advised to validate the feelings of other members and to show respect during meetings. Playing a game of cards or a board game at the conclusion of the meeting can help to encourage bonding, good communication, and more good times during family meetings!

 

[RiverOL]

10 Things Your Husband Wishes You Knew About Him​

“Lisa” said she wishes she knew what she knows now when she got married.
She thinks it might’ve saved her marriage.
She thought her husband was uncaring, disconnected and didn’t care about her.
What if “Lisa” had known what she was experiencing in her marriage was normal?


If she had known what to expect, she might not have been so quick to file for a divorce. She admits she thought they weren’t compatible because they thought differently.
And she didn’t understand what he wanted.
What does a man want from his wife?
When you have no idea of what a man expects from you or what goes on inside other people’s marriages, it’s hard to determine if what you’re experiencing in your own marriage is “normal.”

When you see your friends’ smiling faces on Facebook, it’s easy to feel like your marriage and husband don’t measure up.
Women initiate about 70 percent of all divorces, and many of them say they’re no happier five years after their divorce.
But a lot of women, like “Lisa,” believe something is wrong with their marriage or husband.
With the exception of substance or physical abuse, you may view your marriage as more “normal” when you know what to expect.
Shaunti Feldhahn, a nationally well-known author and speaker, wrote For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men.


In it, she recounts surprising truths she learned about men after interviewing more than 1,000 of them.
Understanding these truths will equip you to better understand your husband. You may begin to feel like your marriage is more normal than you think.

Your marriage may be more “normal” than you think​

According to Feldhahn, here are 10 things your husband wishes you knew about him
He wishes you knew*:
1. Your husband would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected.
Your husband needs to know you respect him. He ‘ll thrive when he knows that you trust, admire and believe in him. So much so that he’d rather sense the loss of loving feelings from you than to be disrespected by you.
2. Your husband’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife.
When your husband gets angry, he’s probably not going to say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there’s a high possibility he’s feeling stung by something you’ve said or done, which he considers disrespectful or humiliating.



3. Your husband is insecure.
Your husband is afraid he’s not cutting it in life– work and at home. He might not be able to articulate it, but inside he feels vulnerable. When he regularly receives your affirmation, he feels secure and confident in all areas of his life.
4. Your husband feels the burden of being the provider for your family.
Your husband bears the emotional burden of providing for his family, whether he’s the main breadwinner or not. He’s wired that way. He may feel trapped. You can’t release him from this burden, but you can ease it by letting him know you appreciate him. He needs your support and encouragement.
5. Your husband wants more sex.
No surprise. But, he doesn’t want more sex for the reasons you might think. Wives assume men want more sex because they’re single focused, sex crazed beings. But Feldhahn’s research shows your husband wants more sex because he has a strong need to be desired by you. Men want to be wanted. Sex is critical to your husband’s sense of feeling loved and desired.
6. Sex means more than just sex to your husband.
When your husband feels desired by you sexually, it has an effect on the rest of his life. He feels more confident and has a better sense of well-being. When he feels rejected sexually, he feels like you’re rejecting him as a husband, provider and man. That may sound unreasonable, but it’s true.


7. Your husband struggles with visual temptation.
Is it okay for your husband to go around checking out other women? No. But he’s visually stimulated. Even the most godly men can’t help but notice a woman who dresses to draw attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, those visual images are stored away in your husband’s brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” and will reappear without any warning. He can’t control when these images will appear, but he can choose whether or not he’ll dwell on them or dismiss them.
8. Your husband enjoys romance but doubts his ability to be romantic.
Your husband wants to be romantic. He doubts his ability to pull it off. You can help increase his confidence in this area by redefining what romance looks like. Accept his invitations, even if it’s only going to Home Depot. He sees this as a chance to spend time together.
9. Your husband wants you to look good for him.
He doesn’t want you to be a supermodel, but he wants to know you’re making an effort to take care of yourself. He appreciates it when you make an effort to look nice for him.
10. Your husband wants you to know how much he loves you.
Your husband isn’t confident in his ability to express this, but he loves you a lot. He wants to show you how much he loves you and wants you to understand this.
When you understand your husband, you learn to appreciate him for who he is instead of thinking he should be more like you.

 

[RiverOL]

4 Ways to Make Your Child’s Day​

Believe it or not, the answer is not announcing, “A free day off school!” (Although I’m sure that would work too!) The answer is far more subtle—and much more profound. There is so much going on in your child’s head and heart that they find hard to explain, and which is SO easy for us to miss. And yet once you take these simple steps it speaks volumes to them. (This is especially the case if they are teens or tweens.)


Based on the research with more than 3,000 kids for For Parents Only: Getting Inside the Head of Your Kid, here are four phrases and actions that will make their day.

How to Make Their Day #1: “Okay, go ahead and try.”

Guess what is the primary motivator and influencer of our teens and tweens? It isn’t peer pressure, the values shared by the latest reality series, or even those so helpful pieces of parental advice. According to our surveys, their greatest motivator is the influence of freedom. Their whole lives they have only been able to do what we let them do (more or less!), and now that they are getting into their tween and teen years, they suddenly have the ability to decide things and do things for themselves. It is intoxicating and powerful.



The problem is, freedom is also something that we tend to resist giving them, just when they most need to learn how to handle it well! We need to be wise, of course, but, there are times that we have to take a deep breath and say “Okay, go for it.” I still remember when my 13-year-old son accompanied Jeff and me to a dinner with friends, only to discover that the son of the other couple hadn’t been able to make it. Our son ate his food, a bit bored, and then surprised us.

“Mom, you guys will be talking a while. Can I walk home?”

“Walk home? It’s three or four miles!”

“Yeah. It’s all sidewalks though.”

I started to protest, then Jeff stepped in. “If he has his phone so we can track him, I’m okay with that. It’ll be good for him to try.”

I had to realize: it would be good for him to try! The delighted look on his face when we said “go for it,” told me just how much it meant to him.

And it was also good for me to practice giving him the independence he craved. (Although it sure wasn’t good for my ability to concentrate on our dinner conversation that night!)

Whether it is letting a young teenager try something new or letting your 17-year-old prove their responsibility as they stay home on their own for a night, letting them try will make their day.

How to Make Their Day #2: “Tell me more about that.”

Believe it or not, the vast majority of teens and tweens on our nationally-representative survey said they wanted to be able to share things with Mom and Dad. The issue is: they want to share them on their own terms, without feeling like they are getting yet more advice from our deep stores of parental wisdom.



Without realizing it, when a child (of any age) shares something emotional—they were bullied at school, the teacher was unfair, they messed up in front of the coach—we parents have a pattern. We are so emotionally invested and want to help our child, that we jump into how to help them. (“Well, when you see the coach tomorrow, why don’t you ask if you can work through a few reps with them?”)

That’s not what our kid is looking for. As we will probably hear quite forcefully when they say, “You never listen to me!”

We are puzzled. (“Of course I’m listening! I’ve been listening for 10 minutes!”) But what we don’t realize is that our child is wanting us to listen to their feelings. They need to work out all these tense, jangling, upset, emotions and what they most need is to hear us say, “Wow, tell me more about that. What happened then?” They need to hear us say, “That must have been really hard. I’m so sorry that happened.” That is what they need to feel heard.

It is hard for us to essentially just shut up and draw out the feelings, but it will leave them feeling SO much better!

How to Make Their Day #3: “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”

I’m not sure why, but although we expect our kids to apologize to us when they have been difficult or disrespectful, we don’t always do the same. Every parent has hurt their child’s feelings. Every parent has gotten exasperated in a way that has made a child feel stupid. Every parent has been unduly harsh, has embarrassed their child, or has simply made a mistake in what they assumed about a child’s wrongdoing.



In the middle of the emotional pain that we have caused, it changes everything when we realize it and apologize. It takes humility to tell your child that you were wrong. To ask for forgiveness. But in doing so you are not only touching their heart, you are modeling something incredibly important.

And you have taken a terrible moment and turned it into a powerful one that will bring you and your child together in a very, very important way.

How to Make Their Day #4: “You’re amazing”

Yes, they will blush, stammer and try to brush it off. But tell your kid what you love and appreciate about them. Be specific. Tell your daughter how beautiful she is, inside and out. Tell your son how proud you are of him for stepping up to always take out the trash without being asked. Tell your kids what you liked about how they handled the difficult trip to visit the extended family, or how much you love their patience with their siblings.



Give your kids a hug along with the words (it counts, if it’s a brief side-arm hug, for a non-touchy teen!), a smile, and let it just sit there. Then do the same thing again tomorrow. And the next day.

Those words of affirmation are like fuel for your child’s heart.

The best way to make your kids’ day—every day—is to make sure your child knows how much you love and appreciate them.

 

[RiverOL]

Six warning signs of a “drifting” marriage​

I recently sat down with a couple who have been married for a long time, but recently some relational “drift” in their marriage had slowly sent them in opposite directions like two ships that are each just slightly off course, but over time, that slight drift caused a huge gap between them. This couple had the abrupt wakeup call of an Emotional Affair which threatened to end their marriage if immediate action wasn’t taken.


Any marriage left on autopilot will eventually start drifting in the wrong direction. It’s important to correct the course the moment you recognize the sometimes subtle signs that you’re drifting apart. Here are six warning signs that some unhealthy drifting may be happening in your marriage:

In no particular order…
1.You each spend more of your free time doing individual activities than you spend doing activities together.
There’s certainly nothing wrong with having some hobbies you enjoy independently, BUT when the majority of your free time is wrapped up in activities that don’t include your spouse, that’s a huge red flag that relational drift is leading you in the wrong direction. Find some shared activities you both enjoy doing together, and it could make a huge difference in your marriage.

2. You have “his friends” and “her friends” but not “our friends.”
Again, hanging out with some friends without your spouse isn’t always a bad thing, BUT when your primary social interactions don’t include your spouse, you’re might be subtly sabotaging your marriage. Find some “couple friends” that you both enjoy hanging out with together. Include your spouse as much as possible.


3. You don’t have much physical affection outside the bedroom.
A lack of sex can be its own warning sign, but we’ve found many couples who are drifting may still be have sex frequently. A better indicator of “drift” happens with the amount of affection happening outside of the bedroom. When you rarely cuddle, hold hands, put your arm around his/her shoulder, etc., that’s usually a warning sign. For more on better intimacy inside and outside of the bedroom.
4. You find yourself hiding things from your spouse.
This can start subtly and seem innocent at first, but this is a HUGE red flag from the moment it begins. If you find yourself hiding purchases, text messages or anything else from your spouse, please bring it out into the open. A marriage can’t survive without complete transparency and trust. If you’re doing, saying, texting, spending ANYTHING that you hope your spouse doesn’t find out about, you’re drifting towards a crash if you don’t correct the course.




5. You get more excited about your career or your hobbies than you get about your marriage.
Whenever our best energies, thoughts and goals are geared towards pursuits outside of our marriage and family, our marriage and family will tend to get our leftovers instead of our best efforts. It’s good to work hard and even to have some hobbies, but when those endeavors eclipse our marriage in terms of our excitement or commitment, then we’re drifting in the wrong direction.

6. You and your spouse rarely or never talk about your dreams together for the future.
When you get into the daily grind of work or raising kids and don’t make an intentional effort to keep dreaming new dreams together for the future, you’ll slowly start drifting towards a future without each other. Keep working together to meet new goals and dreaming together about creating new adventures and experiences together. Those are some of the keys to a lifelong love with each other and creating a legacy through your love that will endure for generations to come!

 

[RiverOL]

5 Ways to Have a Healthy, Long-lasting Relationship​

I have often heard it said that the best partner will compliment you and bring out your finer qualities. When you are with him or her, you will begin to see untapped possibilities within yourself and in the world. However, in any relationship, you will face difficulties and your love will be tested. But if want to attain long-lasting love, it’s important to make intentional choices to be loving to your partner every day.



That said, if your expectations are for an effortless relationship, you might be at risk for throwing in the towel at the earliest sign of any discord. Think of how many good relationships have been discarded before they matured, dismissing a life partner while searching for a soul mate.
The idea of a soul mate is romantic but also damaging because healthy relationships are developed and don’t just appear.
Beth and Thomas, in their late-forties, have navigated many challenges together such as Beth’s trust issues and emotional baggage leftover from her ex-husband’s betrayal. She also grew up in a chaotic home where she couldn’t count on her parents to be there for her because they were focused on their own marital and financial problems.

Beth put it like this: “I didn’t realize how mistrustful I was until I met Thomas. I thought I’d gotten over my past. Thankfully, he’s been very accepting and- reassuring when I go into a tailspin.”
Beth and Thomas’s successful ten-year marriage illustrates how a supportive partner can help you deal with the unpredictable, ever changing aspects of life as your vulnerabilities are exposed and you face challenges, feel emotionally disconnected, or disagree.


In understanding and owning the choice we all have when we form a partnership, make an intention to love your partner fully every day. And remember that we all need new tools or skills to foster a happy, supportive and long-lasting relationship.
Practice the following five strategies daily with your partner. Then plan a special activity to do together each week because weekly rituals foster healthy communication. You may want to modify or add steps to the steps below.

• Offer unconditional loving-kindness to your partner. This includes support and compassion to him or her if they are upset (rather than justifying your position). When you or your spouse are having an argument, find a quiet time and place to talk.
• Seek to genuinely understand your partner’s point of view, without debate, criticism or judgment. If you can’t compromise, attempt to let each other have what they want sometimes, if the issue isn’t a deal breaker for you. Remember that love and caring take time to nurture in any relationship. Assume the best of your partner and they will thrive.
• Do not take things personally when you disagree. Imagine that your partner’s concerns have nothing to do with your character or worth to your partner. Imagine that there are not any threats, assaults, or insults in your partner’s statements. Remember, they’re just speaking about what upsets them, but it doesn’t change your value or worth.
• Accept your partner with all of their flaws, don’t try to change them, and take responsibility for your actions. Life is messy at times. While it’s natural to assign blame when things go wrong, in a healthy relationship partners take responsibility for things they do to hurt each other, apologize, and make amends.
• Turn towards you and (rather than turn away or against). Listen more than you speak. Ask your partner open ended questions about their hobbies, interest, friends, and family. When they have something to share, don’t stare at the computer screen or TV (or ignore turn away from them).

You have it within your reach to create a satisfying relationship and personal happiness. You don’t have to let your past dictate the decisions you make today! Healthy intimate relationships provide couples with a safe place where they can be comfortable speaking out and voicing both positive and negative emotions without fear of negative consequences.

 

[RiverOL]

3 choices that can heal a broken relationship.​

I was sitting down with a friend recently, and he was talking through some current relationship struggles he’s having. As I tried to encourage him and help him get to the root of the problems, we discovered that the real issue wasn’t in his present relationships, but in unresolved wounds from his past relationships. Old hurts can haunt us if we don’t deal with them.


Whenever we feel rejection, abandonment, ridicule, heartbreak or pain from other people, it can cause us to build up walls around our hearts to protect ourselves from being hurt again. These walls give us the illusion of security, but they’re really just a prison of isolation. Living well means loving well, and loving well requires healing from past hurts.
To work through wounds from your past, start by making these three choices:
1. Choose grace instead of revenge
It’s been said that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and then hoping the other person dies. Choose to forgive for their sake, but even more, for your own sake. God freely gives his grace to you, so embrace it and then freely give it to others. Don’t treat people the way they treat you. Treat people the way God treats you.

“Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone… Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good” Romans 12:17-18, 21


2. Choose to trust in God’s plan instead of your own.
When the Biblical character, Joseph, was sold into slavery by his own brothers, he had plenty of reasons for doubt and anger, but he chose faith instead. Joseph was promoted from a slave to a great political leader. He could have executed his brothers, but he chose grace instead. He recognized that God’s plan and God’s grace is always bigger than our circumstances. Joseph said these powerful words to his brothers…
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. No, don’t be afraid. I will continue to take care of you and your children.” So he reassured them by speaking kindly to them.” Genesis 50:20-21


For more tools to help you build (or rebuild) stronger relationships, download a FREE chapter from my new book “The 7 Laws of Love: Essential Principles for Building Stronger Relationships” by clicking here.




3. Choose joy instead of bitterness.
Bitterness is intoxicating, because it gives you the illusion of power and control over your life, but it’s toxic in the end. Get rid of bitterness and choose joy. Joy isn’t a feeling; it’s a choice. It comes from trusting God even when life doesn’t seem to make sense and thanking God for His goodness even when life hurts.
Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18



In the end, choosing grace could change your life and the world around you.

 

[RiverOL]

5 things your marriage needs every day​

“Someday” is a popular word in marriage. We say things like, “Someday, let’s go to Europe. Someday, let’s do a marriage retreat together. Someday, let’s pay off our house.”
Those “someday” goals are good, but there are some things in your marriage that can’t wait for “someday.” They need to happen EVERY day. One day in your marriage without all five of these is one day too long.



In no particular order…
1. Thoughtfulness.
Thoughtfulness is a fuel that keeps a marriage going strong. Most of us were good at showing daily thoughtfulness during the dating stage of our relationship, but as the marriage goes on, thoughtfulness can disappear (which is deadly for a marriage). Don’t get caught in the trap of being thoughtful to co-workers and strangers all day, and then giving your “leftovers” to your spouse!

2. Respect.
A marriage can’t survive without respect. My articles on The 7 ways a wife needs respect from her husband and also The 7 ways a husband needs respect from his wife point out practical ways you can show daily respect to each other.



3. Affection.
I’m talking about a lot more than just sex here (although sex is very important in marriage). Every day, you should touch each other. Hold hands, cuddle, give a foot rub, put your arm around his/her shoulder. Those warm touches are a daily way to bind your hearts closer together.

4. Encouragement.
Be your spouse’s biggest encourager; not his/her biggest critic. Be the one who wipes away their tears; not the one who causes them! Encourage each other every day.






5. Partnership.
The moment you feel like you and your spouse are each doing your own separate thing instead of operating as a unified team, you need to make some immediate readjustments. Marriage is daily partnership with a lifelong commitment.

 

[RiverOL]

Put The “Fun” Back in Your Marriage​

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True story: When Mark and I had been married for just a couple of years, he gave me a bowling ball for Christmas. It was my favorite color, purple, and it even had my name engraved on it.
However, I wasn’t a bowler.
As you can imagine, I was a bit baffled by his gift. As he read the confusion on my face, he promptly opened up a nearby closet and produced a similar bowling ball in his favorite color and — you guessed it — with his name engraved on it!
“I thought it would be fun for us to do something together,” he said.
Unfortunately, those bowling balls were never used and somebody named Mark and Jill probably picked them up at a garage sale for a really good price. Our marriage suffered because I didn’t value having fun together.
As a couple, you know the importance of having a strong marriage, but how do you make your marriage stronger? It is often the small steps that make the biggest differences. So, today, I encourage you to be comfortable with learning new skills and to allow yourselves to be okay with taking small steps towards your goal of a stronger marriage.
Are you ready to put that into practice?

Let’s start by making time to have fun in your marriage.
I know you might think that this should come easy but often as we’re living life together on a daily basis, having fun can easily go right out the window unless we’re intentional about making it happen!
Here are some strategies for making fun happen:

1. Put it on your calendar as a recurring event. Select a regular time to spend together (i.e. every other Friday night, one Saturday a month, every Sunday afternoon) and put it on both of your calendars. If you have children, set up a regular childcare arrangement as well, or determine to have some intentional fun together after the kids are in bed.
2. Decide what you’ll do ahead of time. Maybe you decide together, alternate which one of you is in charge of the time together, or maybe one of you is more of a planner and the other is happy to go along on the ride. Any way works—just decide how to make that decision.
3. Go into time together with no expectations. Expectations rob us of contentment. Have a flexible heart open to how God leads your time together. It might turn out different than you planned, but if you’re flexible you can fully enjoy the time you set apart to be together.

Here is why this is so important:
Having fun together helps couples feel positive emotions, which increases relationship satisfaction. It helps couples unite in order to overcome differences and gives hope when working through difficult challenges.
Prioritizing fun will have a huge impact if you take the time to make it happen.
So, whether it’s bowling, a nice dinner, or enjoying a special dessert together at home, find some ways to prioritize fun and see what a difference it can make.

 

[RiverOL]

Can Taking a Break or Separating Preserve My Marriage?​

For some couples, a separation may be a reasonable alternative to divorce if both partners are willing to work on themselves. A planned marital separation can sometimes save a marriage. According to author Tinatin Japaeridze, what some refer to as one’s “need for space from a partner” is a legitimate cry for just that – space. She posits that both men and women sometimes need quiet time to find what’s vital to their relationship.



Based on my counseling experience, marital separation can be a double edged sword. On the one hand, it can allow a couple time to deal with the issues that are pulling them apart without the emotional intensity that comes with living together. If planned in a thoughtful way, they can agree to meet regularly to work on their issues and air their grievances. Implied in this approach is hope that the relationship might repair and continue if both partners are on the same page. Some refer to this break time as pressing the pause rather than the stop button.
However, time apart can cause some people to further detach from one another and be disappointed when they reunite and find the same patterns of annoying behaviors exist. This is especially true if one or both partners don’t take responsibility for their part in the breakdown of the relationship. Many experts advise that taking a break only delays the inevitable. Only you know what is the most likely outcome for your situation.


Truth be told, a break can be a healthy antidote for you and your partner if you both commit to working on your relationship with the intention of dealing with the issues that divide you. The phrase absence makes the heart grow fonder characterizes couples who don’t have extremely high conflict or abuse and are receptive to counseling to work on their communication and connection patterns.

8 Tips for taking a break from a relationship:

1. Be specific, honest, and vulnerable about your concerns and what the break will look like. Don’t worry about pleasing your partner because this is the time to assert your needs.
2. Set boundaries and expectations. This includes ground rules and expectations such as talking about the duration of the break. Discuss whether you can date others. Can you text or call each other daily? Is it okay to have sexual intimacy with each other? Is it okay to stop by each other’s residence unannounced?
3. Make an agreement to have regular counseling sessions – focusing on working on your relationship patterns will greatly enhance your chances for success. Your counselor can help you decide how often you should see each other, if sexual activity is acceptable, etc.
4. Don’t assume that your partner wants the same things that you do. Remind yourself that your relationship broke up for a reason and people don’t change overnight.
5. Talk to your children honestly but don’t give them too much information or false hope. If your children are younger than age twelve say something like: “Mommy and daddy need time to figure out how to get along better so we’re going to try living apart. We both love you and will make sure that you see a lot of both of us. Kids older than twelve can handle a little more information, such as: “We’re not sure if we’re going to work things out but we want to give it a try.” Never express negatively about their other parent or bad mouth them.
6. Don’t date other people while you’re living apart. It’s impossible to build trust – an essential aspect of intimacy – if you’re romantically or sexually involved with someone else.
7. Recharge your battery and take time to learn more about yourself so you can view your relationship with a fresh perspective.
8. Stay optimistic and connected with your partner. It’s important to stay in touch with your partner in old and new ways such as cards, letters, and/or a weekly dinner out. A planned separation needs to be a reprieve from bickering, disagreements, and frequent communication.

Give your partner space if you want to test out whether absence will make your heart grow fonder. In fact, respecting each other’s boundaries is crucial to finding out if divorce is a better option than separation. Setting a tentative timetable can help both people evaluate whether taking a break has caused them to feel more optimistic about building a life together.
Consider taking a break as a time to determine whether your relationship is worth saving. It can give you and your spouse a chance to respect one another’s view of your problems – even if you feel that they’re wrong or shouldn’t feel the way they do.