In step

[RiverOL]

Words of Honor​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Outdo one another in showing honor—Romans 12:10​

To honor someone is to build them up, to give them a sense of their worth. Prevailing culture teaches us our worth is weighed by worldly measures. And so, “honoring” becomes hero worship—elevating those good at projecting worldly success and marginalizing those of us with flawed lives, with failures in our past, or who are simply unable or unwilling to devote enough effort to convincing the world of our success. This type of “honoring” is not what God intends. We lead each other astray when we engage in it, because the focus is so wrong. “Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth” (Colossians 3:2). To honor someone as God intends is to build them up and give them a sense of their true worth. It’s trying to see them as God sees them. It’s pushing right through the confusion of worldly measures—successes, failures, talents, faults, wealth, poverty, titles, appearances—looking for evidence of what God has done in and through them, and what he’s doing currently. And, finally, most importantly, it’s telling them what we see. Our edifying, encouraging words to one another are gifts from God. He allows us to give them to one another . . . and we must.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Ask God to help you see those around you as he sees them. Look for how he’s working in and through them. And . . . then . . . tell . . . them. Tell them what you see. We men tend to struggle with the telling. We can be married for years, or in community with other men for years, and never simply tell those closest to us what we see in them. So, pick someone this week and tell them what you see. Honor them with a glimpse of his/her true worth.

 

[RiverOL]

Don’t Forget the Invite​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . and he will give you another Helper—John 14:16​

With his time on earth ending, Jesus told his disciples, “I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever . . .” (John 14:16-17). This Helper “will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you” (John 14:26). He will “guide you into all the truth” (John 16:13). Jesus was comforting his disciples. “Let not your hearts be troubled,” he said (John 14:27). Though he was going away, they would not be abandoned. There’s someone coming, he told them, who’ll be with them all-the-time and forever. A constant companion. One who will actually occupy a place deep within their inner machinery. He “dwells with you and will be in you” (John 14:17). This “someone” is, of course, God the Holy Spirit—and he was not just for the disciples. He is for us too. He is our constant companion. He abides with us and occupies a place deep within our inner machinery too.

Okay, so what do we do?​ When you gather in Christian brotherhood, you mustn’t forget to invite, into your gatherings, the input and influence of your Helper, your Teacher, your Guide. You needn’t invite him. He’ll be there already, for sure. But he won’t force his input and influence—you’ll need to ask for them. You’ll need to invite his goodness and light . . . and especially into the dark places you’d prefer to keep hidden. Few of us want help in those places, but we must ask nonetheless. It’s in those places that we most need it. It’s in those places that the Spirit most wants to work. And, as reluctant as we might be, it’s sure easier to trust and ask for help together, with brothers standing by us, doing the same.

 

[RiverOL]

Wake-up Call​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . faith apart from works is dead—James 2:26​

Imagine yourself, for a moment, standing before our Lord and Master, Jesus Christ. Imagine feeling, at first, a bit apprehensive. Imagine lifting your eyes to his. Imagine his face, when you meet his gaze. Imagine his strength, his goodness. Imagine the sound of his voice as he, like the master in his Parable of the Talents, speaks these words: “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:14-30). How would that feel—from the one who sacrificed his life for yours—that he’s pleased with the life you’ve lived? Each of us has work to do before we actually stand face-to-face with Jesus. “He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing” (Ephesians 2:10 MSG). Like the servants in the parable, we’re too given resources for the Master’s work. They were given money; we’re given money too, but also time, energy, natural talents, spiritual gifts, and help from the Holy Spirit. We must waste these resources no more. We must spend them for his work—not just for ourselves. We must also, though, check our hearts. Doing “good work” isn’t about earning our way into Heaven (Ephesians 2:8-9). Rather, it’s about trusting our Master and following him into a better kind of life.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Take a few minutes to list the extra resources you’ve been given. Write down everything you possibly have to give, just as you are, right where you are, right now. Next, pray and see if you can connect a person (or group of people), and a need, to each resource you’ve listed. What you’ll end up with is the beginnings of a roadmap toward Jesus’ kind of life.

 

[RiverOL]

Got Risk . . . Discomfort?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere—Psalm 84:10​

Years spent in luxury and comfort can’t compare to one day spent with God—in his presence; experiencing his love; living his truth; doing his work. And, astonishingly, God doesn’t offer us just single days . . . mere glimpses, fleeting encounters. He offers himself “more abundantly than all that we ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20-21). He offers all of himself, all the time—as much as we want, as much as we choose. One proven method of choosing him is to strip away worldly comfort, strip away predictability and self-sufficiency . . . and intentionally move into situations we can’t handle on our own. Jesus sent his disciples into such situations: “I am sending you out as lambs in the midst of wolves” (Luke 10:3). He told them to travel light and resist taking anything that could provide comfort, predictability, self-sufficiency: money, extra clothing, extra stuff (Luke 10:4). They had to rely on him. And they returned full of joy (Luke 10:17). Because they’d been willing to move, in faith, into risk and discomfort, they got to spend precious days with God. Jesus told them: “Blessed are the eyes that see what you see! For I tell you that many prophets and kings desired to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.” (Luke 10:23-24).

Okay, so what do we do?​ Ask yourself, what am I doing—right now—that requires faith? We get used to choosing risk and discomfort by practicing. So, look for ways to practice, brother. Look today for what moves your heart. Reach out to someone who needs help. Spend time with someone who needs a friend. Commit to a service project. Sign-up for a short-term mission trip. If you do, you’ll too have great stories to tell.

 

[RiverOL]

Alone at Work?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Whoever isolates himself . . . breaks out against all sound judgment—Proverbs 18:1​

Work is a place where we men are apt to live, not as our true selves, but rather as carefully crafted and false versions of ourselves. Work is a “compartment” where we try to be, not who God created us to be, but images we create all by ourselves. Why? What makes work different? Well, at work, the prevailing culture is too often (and too much) self-focused: outperform, get promoted, achieve, get ahead. It is too often permeated by greed, pride, and narcissism. When we live according to the prevailing culture of work, we hide our true selves, for exposing ourselves would upset our plans to build our images (and our careers). So, we protect our images by cutting ourselves off. We don’t let anyone in on our fears, struggles, pain, excitement, victories, joy. This is foolish, given that many of us spend more of our waking hours at work, with work colleagues, than we do away from work, with loved ones and close friends. Living according to the prevailing culture of work can transform our workplaces into dismal, desolate places of adversaries and mere acquaintances. Workplace relationships become characterized by superficiality and materiality. Spending years under such conditions leads to cynicism and apathy, burnout and bad choices. Purpose and meaning fade. We protect our images, but we lose ourselves.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Betray the prevailing culture, brother (Philippians 2:3-4). But don’t do it alone. Track down at least a couple trusted friends at your workplace and begin to fight for one another, keep each other accountable, keep each other humble, be transparent with one another, confess and repent to one another, pray together, laugh and lament together. Set up regular lunches. Grab coffee together, weekly. Start a regular prayer group or a company Bible study.

 

[RiverOL]

Want More Persevere(ability)?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour—1 Peter 5:8​

The ability to persevere—to remain strong and steadfast in the face of difficulties and delays and distractions—is a fundamental skill, necessary for any man choosing to devote himself to our King, Jesus Christ. He showed us how in the wilderness and against the temptations that followed (Matthew 4:1-11). Like him, we too must bear up against the pressures of the world, and not only for a while, but until the very end of our days. Though any one trial or temptation may be short lived, there’s always something out there capable of our destruction. Preparedness is paramount. You see, when we’re unprepared and trouble comes (at work, in our relationships, our finances, our health) it takes us down: into anxiety, anger, bitterness, despondency, depression, isolation. When we’re unprepared and temptations come (material, carnal, moral) they too take us down: away from God and into sin. Compounding our lack of preparedness, the enemy is always quick with interference and misinformation. “You won’t make it.” “This’ll be long and difficult . . . too long, too difficult for you.” “You’re alone, forgotten.” “You won’t have strength enough to persevere.” “You should just give-up/give-in now, and avoid the grief of waiting, just to give later.”

Okay, so what do we do?​ Perseverance isn’t innate; it’s learned. All of us can do it if we train. So, brother, manufacture some pressure and train yourself. Push your limits, physically, mentally, spiritually: climb a tough summit; tackle a hike of many miles; fast for a period of days; turn devices off and embrace quiet and solitude and prayer for an uncomfortable period. Remember, God designed you for perseverance. So, by training, you’ll simply learn what you’re made of (plus you’ll expose the lies of the enemy). It doesn’t take much to learn a whole lot about yourself.

 

[RiverOL]

Emerging from Isolation​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them—Matthew 18:20​

Imagine, for a moment, a man ever isolated, living alone in the mountains, perhaps. Imagine him living a vigorous, adventurous, spiritual life, but lacking community. The knowledge this man would have of God, the knowledge he’d have of himself, would be modest compared to the knowledge he’d have of both, were he to have full access to relationships, friendships, brotherhood. You see, the isolated man may know about God. But, no matter how much he might read and study, he cannot know God. That takes community. We get to know God by seeing his Holy Spirit moving in others. We encounter God, we experience him, we understand him when he works through the love and sacrifice of other people. In brotherhood, we get to show God to one another. And, the more we’re in community with brothers, the deeper our understanding becomes. The isolated man may also know about himself—his talents, his likes, his dislikes. But, he cannot know himself. He cannot know the man God intends him to become. That too takes community. It takes others around him, who know his story, who spend time with him, who watch him, to discern and affirm and call forth things true and eternal in him, things God longs for to emerge. It takes brotherhood to call forth the true man.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Though we live in cities and towns, many of us are yet like the man isolated in the mountains. We know about God, but we don’t know him. We know the men we’d like to be, but we don’t know the men he created us to be. This message, right now, is another call for brotherhood. It’s a call for you, brother, to get into community with other men. Find some brothers; find your place.

 

[RiverOL]

Trust No One​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts—Psalm 28:7​

The Apostle Paul set a challenge before us: “having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor” (Ephesians 4:25). No small thing, that one. We men have such a hard time with transparency, with vulnerability. “I don’t know you guys that well.” “I have a hard time trusting other people.” “I don’t know everyone here.” These and objections like them surface naturally in men facing the prospect of being transparent and vulnerable with brothers in community. We’ve all said them, in some version or another. But, this approach, of hesitating and waiting to open up, waiting to tell our brothers what’s really going on, what we’re afraid of, what we’re struggling with, until we have complete trust of the men we’re opening up to, is foolish and based upon misplaced trust. You see, we can trust no man completely. All “have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). So, waiting for complete trust means waiting for something that’ll never happen. We’re all broken, capable of wickedness even toward those we love most. God, however . . . God is not. So, in him and in him only, brother, should we put our trust (Psalm 118:8). He calls us to be transparent, vulnerable with others, so we must. Now, it might not always go well (at least from our perspectives). That’s okay. It’ll go well from God’s perspective—our obedience to him always does. And, he knows better than we.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Next time you meet with a brother or two or three, look around. Which of them do you trust more than God? In that moment, tell yourself: “I trust God. So, I know what I must do” No more lies. No more pretending. No more posturing.

 

[RiverOL]

​ Trust No One​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

​ The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts—Psalm 28:7​

​ The Apostle Paul set a challenge before us: “having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor” (Ephesians 4:25). No small thing, that one. We men have such a hard time with transparency, with vulnerability. “I don’t know you guys that well.” “I have a hard time trusting other people.” “I don’t know everyone here.” These and objections like them surface naturally in men facing the prospect of being transparent and vulnerable with brothers in community. We’ve all said them, in some version or another. But, this approach, of hesitating and waiting to open up, waiting to tell our brothers what’s really going on, what we’re afraid of, what we’re struggling with, until we have complete trust of the men we’re opening up to, is foolish and based upon misplaced trust. You see, we can trust no man completely. All “have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). So, waiting for complete trust means waiting for something that’ll never happen. We’re all broken, capable of wickedness even toward those we love most. God, however . . . God is not. So, in him and in him only, brother, should we put our trust (Psalm 118:8). He calls us to be transparent, vulnerable with others, so we must. Now, it might not always go well (at least from our perspectives). That’s okay. It’ll go well from God’s perspective—our obedience to him always does. And, he knows better than we.

​ Okay, so what do we do?​ Next time you meet with a brother or two or three, look around. Which of them do you trust more than God? In that moment, tell yourself: “I trust God. So, I know what I must do” No more lies. No more pretending. No more posturing.

 

[RiverOL]

Get Finally Unstuck​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity—Proverbs 17:17​

“I’ve got this.” It’s a phrase used often by men, in one form or another. We say it to ourselves; we say it to others. And, most times, we have got whatever “this” happens to be. Every once in a while, though, we encounter something we cannot handle, something we haven’t “got.” Of course, that doesn’t always diminish our willingness to make our “got this” claims still. You see, “I’ve got this” often originates from our need to project images of manliness and self-sufficiency. And so, “I’ve got this” can become a stubborn habit. Even when it becomes obvious to us (and maybe everyone else) that we, in fact, haven’t “got this,” we sometimes continue right on in our stubbornness, telling ourselves that—from now on—we simply must try harder. The truth is, some things are too big for us. But, because truth isn’t always welcome, we often cry out to God instead: “Why can’t I get beyond this?” “Why won’t you help me?” Well, brother, he has helped. He’s given us what we need to overcome even seemingly intractable problems. “. . . though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). While some things are too big for us alone, none is too big for Holy Spirit-infused communities of men—standing together, praying together, holding each other accountable, keeping one another encouraged.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Is there something you’ve always wanted to do, but can’t seem to get around to doing? Is there something you’d desperately like to stop doing, but cannot? It is against such things that we must bring the power of community. So, now’s the time. Get control of your pride, put a name to that thing, and ask your brothers for help.

 

[RiverOL]

One Word to Start Over​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned—Matthew 12:37​

Men sin. We all do. “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8). Fortunately, it’s not our sin that keeps us from God’s forgiveness. It’s our unwillingness to recognize it, to deal with it, which does that. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). We must, therefore, confess . . . and regularly. That is easier to say, of course, than to live. Confession is hard. Giving voice to words describing our sin is hard. We often think that just saying them, naming our sin, will somehow make it more real. We think naming our sin will put more of its taint upon us. Brother, it’s real. Its full taint is upon us already. And there’s no path to forgiveness and taint removal, except first through confession. But it’s not actually confession if we never say the words—if we obfuscate or talk around the sin. Naming it, simply and plainly, pulls it up and out of the tangle of denial and confusion. It places our sin in the open, where we can see it, where we can paint a target on it, where we can finally bring the power of the Holy Spirit and community against it.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Reduce your struggle with sin to one word: Pride. Self-centeredness. Hard-heartedness. Indifference. Resentment. Rage. Greed. Dishonesty. Lust. You choose your word. Be honest. Once you have it, say it aloud. Gather some brothers. Pray for courage, then go around, each man saying only their one word. Pray again, this time against the words spoken. When the time is right, go deeper and explain the meanings behind the words.

 

[RiverOL]

Rallying Cries​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong—1 Corinthians 16:13​

When we men gather, our gatherings should be about something. Without a something, brotherhood doesn’t last. There are, of course, plenty of possible such somethings: we gather to watch sports, play sports, talk sports, talk politics, discuss philosophy, drink coffee, drink wine, drink beer, hunt, fish, golf, bike, hike, and many other things. Some of us, though, believe there’s one something that stands well above the rest—a great cause—to follow our King, Jesus Christ, which includes fighting for ourselves, our loved ones, our friends, our neighbors, and engaging an enemy that “prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). It’s an honor that we’ve been called to such a cause. But, just as men are apt to allow their attention to drift and to lose focus over time, so are groups of men. We must, therefore, be intentional about maintaining purpose, about maintaining alignment with one another, and about maintaining morale and increasing mettle toward opposition and hardship. One approach is to borrow an ancient technique: the rallying cry. It requires we simply consecrate, and then adopt, a few well-chosen words that capture what we stand for, words that reflect our agreed upon priorities, and that rally us always back to God’s (and now our) great cause.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Decide today what you and your brothers are about . . . decide your something. Ask yourselves, what brought us together? What’s our purpose in being together? What are our priorities toward one another? What do we care about? What makes us unique? If you’ve never thought about these things, now’s the time, brother. Keep it fun. Set aside some time to pray together and to listen. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you. Then collaborate and iterate and formulate your group’s rallying cry.

 

[RiverOL]

Stay Salty, My Friends​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Woe to you, when all people speak well of you—Luke 6:26​

Sooner or later our faith conflicts with friendship. Sooner or later our faith is tested against friendship. You see, the time will come, for each of us, when a friend needs us. He or she will take a dark path (as we all do, sometimes), a path leading away from God. It might be dramatic; it might not. When it happens, though, we’ll face a choice—to speak up and speak truth into his or her life . . . or . . . to ignore what’s going on, avoid conflict, and avoid the risk of forever altering the friendship or even losing it altogether. The good news is that we’re designed for these kinds of things. We’re the “salt of the earth” (Matthew 5:13). For God gave us “a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7). But, salt can, over time, lose its taste—lose its saltiness. We men lose our saltiness when we choose popularity over truth, passivity over love. The problem is, salt that has lost its taste “is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet” (Matthew 5:13).

Okay, so what do we do?​ When the time comes, before you do anything, make sure you’re being driven not by judgment or resentment or jealousy. If you might be, go no further and simply entrust your friend to God. God’s able to reach your friend by other means. If, however, you’re sure that it’s love that’s driving you, more than anything else, then go ahead and speak. Put your friendship upon the altar and see what God does with it. Do it privately and gently. But be warned, it might not go well. These conversations are tough. That’s okay. Trust God to work it out in the end.

 

[RiverOL]

Do You Want to Improve Your Marriage? Try Active Listening and Validation​

During a couples counseling session, Becca, 36, and David, 38, discuss their ongoing problem with communication and how they argue about how to discipline their two young children.

David reflects: “I love Becca and she’s a great mom but she is too easy going with our kids. She gives in a lot when they want to read an extra book at night, for example, which makes their bedtime too late. She says I don’t understand the value of reading but that’s not true, she doesn’t hear me.”


Becca responds: “David is a good dad but I don’t feel he listens to me. Because he talks over me, I can’t explain my point of view. Staying up an extra five minutes to read a few more pages in a book is something I want to encourage so our kids love reading. His rigid ways make me feel frustrated.”
The communication problems that Becca and David experience are common. They are both loving parents who have differing viewpoints. But because neither one feels understood or listened to, they’re feeling aggravated with each other, rather than enjoying the time they have with their children in the evening.
The Value of Listening to Your Partner
Being an active listener requires that you put your own agenda aside and focus on what your partner has to say. It means that you’re willing to suspend your own concerns, needs, and thoughts temporarily so that you can be fully present with your partner and tune into the meaning of their words, tone of voice, and non-verbal communication.

In active listening, the listener gives feedback back as a way to better understand and clarify what they are saying. In essence, the listener is validating what their partner is saying and helping the speaker feel a sense of being understood and being close and connected.

Likewise, with active listening, the listener is checking to make sure they accurately heard and interpreted their partner. This behavior reduces the chance for misunderstandings and disagreements. It’s akin to have a good chat with a close friend and feeling heard and understood.
Couples need to realize that active listening is not the same thing as giving advice. While we might perceive ourselves as being helpful by giving instructions or explaining how to do something, our mate might interpret this behavior as our always needing to “be right.” We might know we are right but ask yourself: Is it more important to be right or to be happy?

Most people rush to trying to solve their partner’s problems by offering suggestions and skip over validation. What Becca and David both crave is being listened to and validated. They continue to feel challenged by many of their conversations. The important part is validation. After all, fixing a problem comes later and most people are capable of solving their own problems. Keep in mind that active listening takes practice and it may not come naturally.
3 Action Steps to Active Listening and Validating Your Partner:

• Stay in the present and pay attention. Tune into what your partner is saying and use good eye contact. If you feel upset, put those feelings aside while you focus more on listening than talking. If you need more information, say something like, “Can you tell me more about this?”
• Check in with your partner to make sure you are accurately hearing what they have to say. For instance, you might say something like: “Did you say you are concerned about our kids getting enough sleep?”
• Validate your partner’s concerns by making supportive comments. For instance, “I get that you want our kids to be rested during the day, this makes sense and I agree with you.”

Sometimes couples are so absorbed on their problems, they forget to see their partner as a person who is worthy of being listened to and respected. Try active listening as a way to understand your mate. You can strengthen your relationship by learning more about your partner and discussing their thoughts and feelings rather than focusing on being right or trying to prove a point.

 

[RiverOL]

Prepare for Battle​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it—Matthew 16:18​

We’re designed for battle by our Father God; we’re led into battle by our King, Jesus Christ; we’re aided in battle by God the Holy Spirit. These battles are waged “against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12). The places where we meet our enemies have names like “sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these” (Galatians 5:19-21). Though perhaps less dramatic than battles fought on the ground or in the air or on the sea, their outcomes are more momentous. They determine not only how we spend our lives, but our eternities too (Galatians 5:21). We have enemies. They’re real. They’re powerful. They’re cunning, relentless, scheming always against us—scheming right now. We too, brother, must be cunning and relentless. We too must be prepared.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Create a battle plan. Resist any “this isn’t necessary” or “do it later” tendencies. Create a plan to bring the fight to our enemies. They’ve brought it to you long enough. Write it out today. Make it explicit. Make it practical. 1. Definition of Battle . . . what problem would you like to finally overcome? 2. Definition of Victory . . . what’ll victory look like? 3. Lay of the Land . . . what external factors contribute to the problem? 4. Points of Weakness . . . what aspects of your lifestyle contribute too? 5. Plan of Attack . . . how will you counter or minimize or eliminate the external factors and contributing aspects of your lifestyle? 6. Sources of Strength . . . how’ll you stay connected to God and community? 7. Brothers-in-Arms . . . whom will you tell about this plan and keep updated, as to victories and defeats?

 

[RiverOL]

With Friends Like These . . .​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

My brothers, show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ—James 2:1​

We men tend toward partiality. Sometimes with forethought, many times with no thought, we give or withhold based upon characteristics of the potential recipients. We can, therefore, find ourselves directing all our time and attention, our kindness and generosity, toward only those who live, look, sound, spend, sin . . . like we do. This plays out in many areas of life and, therefore, many areas of faith—in service, giving, worship, and certainly in brotherhood. But James, brother of our King, Jesus Christ, cautioned us to oppose this tendency: “For if a man wearing a gold ring and fine clothing comes into your assembly, and a poor man in shabby clothing also comes in, and if you pay attention to the one who wears the fine clothing and say, ‘You sit here in a good place,’ while you say to the poor man, ‘You stand over there,’ or, ‘Sit down at my feet,’ have you not then made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?” (James 2:2-4). So, what’s wrong with partiality? Well, intending to or not, we harm people. We harm them by disregarding them, those whom God wants us to impact or serve or befriend, but who don’t quite make our cut (Proverbs 28:21). God put us here for one another (Matthew 22:39). Partiality means we forsake people who need us. And if that’s not bad enough, we harm ourselves. We cut ourselves off from relationships—and often the weightiest. You see, those we’re meant to impact are meant to impact us, right back.

Okay, so what do we do?​ How’re you doing with this, brother? The test is simple—look around. Who are you spending time with? Whom are you serving? There should be people in your life who’re nothing like you. Are there?

 

[RiverOL]

Building New Gauges​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Do not be conformed to this world—Romans 12:2​

We men love to measure things. And we have, at our disposal, highly accurate gauges for measuring just about anything, including the progress of our lives. I mean, we never have to wonder which careers are most prestigious; which jobs are most coveted; which neighborhoods are most exclusive; which vacations are most glamorous; which cars are most luxurious. Our culture makes sure its gauges remain well calibrated. “Listen carefully . . . and be wary of the shrewd advice that tells you how to get ahead in the world . . .” (Mark 4:24 MSG). The problem is, such things are not proper for measuring the progress of any life. There’s nothing wrong with careers or communities or cars, in-and-of themselves. They’re just not appropriate gauges in this context. Using them is like using a thermometer to measure the weight of a steel beam. It doesn’t work. Likewise, improper gauges won’t work for us, for measuring our lives as men. We must create and calibrate new gauges, ones that can properly measure our lives, because they measure the right stuff—like how we’re doing as husbands, as fathers, as friends, as neighbors; and how we’re doing toward becoming the men God intends us to become.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Build new gauges for yourself, brother, ones that measure things like . . . how many nights you are home for dinner; or how often you sit down and pray with your wife or girlfriend; or how often you have conversations with your sons or daughters about their dreams or their fears; or how often you meet with brothers in community; or how often you drop what you’re doing to spend time with friends in need. Get practical. Build a simple spreadsheet, for example. Or create a calendar. Do what makes sense for you, but start measuring, today.

 

[RiverOL]

Restoring Connections​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . build up the ancient ruins . . . repair the ruined cities—Isaiah 61:4​

Three relationships broke when man fell, so long ago: the relationship between man and God, the relationship between man and himself, and the relationship between man and other men (and women). Our jobs now, brother, are to repair and rebuild those relationships, in our own unique ways, as much as we can during our lifetimes . . . and to encourage and assist others in doing likewise. Our King, Jesus Christ, gave us our instructions—love “God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” and love “your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37-39). His two-part directive covers all three relationships: love God more than anything else; love yourself sufficiently; and love other people at least as much as you love yourself. It’s all there. So how do we begin? Well, we restore relationships with God when we soften our hearts, decide to trust him more than we trust ourselves, and bend ourselves toward obedience. We restore relationships with ourselves when we soften our hearts and decide to care for ourselves as God intends, finally dealing with self-condemnation or idolatry or addiction (to work, to food, to alcohol, to pornography, or anything else). And, we restore relationships with others when we soften our hearts, decide to look around for people who need us, and bend our lives toward loving and serving and forgiving them.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Take a moment to survey your life. Which type of relationship is most broken? If none is obvious, take time for listening prayer. Ask your counselor, God the Holy Spirit, to guide you. Once you’ve focused-in on what’s most in need of rebuilding, what’s most in need of repair, you’ve got your own, individualized blueprint for “what’s next.” Begin working on it this week. Start with something practical.

 

[RiverOL]

Who Are Your Heroes?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Worship the Lord your God, and only him. Serve him with absolute single-heartedness—Matthew 4:10​

We men like heroes. We like to look upward. We start early, as boys, looking up to men and women who do amazing things on grass and turf and hardwood and ice. As we get older, we shift our “looking up” to those who do amazing things in classrooms, board rooms, laboratories, legislatures . . . to those who speak and create and negotiate, to those who research and discover and write. There’s nothing wrong with honoring and admiring other people. Something is wrong, though, when honoring or admiration becomes worship—when we devote our lives to becoming just like our heroes. You see, heroic images are false. They are false because they’re incomplete. Heroic images portray the good and obscure the bad. We think, “he’s got it together”—“great job, great wife, great bank account, great house” . . . “must be nice.” What we don’t see is what’s broken. Something always is: “For we all stumble in many ways” (James 3:2). Maybe it’s what was sacrificed in order to achieve the heroic image. Not realizing we’re misled, though, we decide to chase their images, to model our lives after theirs. Not realizing we’re misled, we end up imitating their brokenness. When we worship heroes, we do like the ancient pagans who “exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator” (Romans 1:25). The truth is, no person, past or present, is worthy of our worship . . . except one.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Who are your heroes? Have you ever walked the line between admiration and hero worship? Have you ever held another (broken) person in too high esteem? If you’ve crossed that line, simply confess it to God in prayer. And commit to worshiping no man but our worthy King, Jesus Christ.

 

[RiverOL]

3 things to do when you’re mad at your spouse.​

If you’ve been married longer than one day, chances are you’ve been mad at your spouse at least once and they’ve been mad at you too.
When two imperfect people are put in close quarters and regular contact with each other (which should be happening in any marriage), then there will be times you hurt each other. In some ways, marriage is like two blind people learning to dance with each other…you’re going to step on each other’s toes sometimes!

We all get angry sometimes, but we tend to make our worst decisions when we’re angry or frustrated. Below is a basic checklist of a few things to do and a few things not to do when you become angry with your husband or wife:


TO DO:
1. Communicate openly and honestly.
Don’t be passive aggressive in your response. Don’t say, “Nothing is wrong” when something is clearly wrong. Don’t make your spouse guess why you’re mad. Talk about it. Communication is the first step towards healing.
2. Take responsibility for your part.
There might be a few rare occasions when the problem is 100% the fault of your spouse, but the vast majority of time, you will have some responsibility too. Take responsibility for your role in the mess and it will be easier for your spouse to own up to his or her part.
3. Work through it quickly.
Don’t let your grudge fester under the surface and then pull it out months later as ammunition in an argument about something completely different. Don’t blindside your spouse with old dirt. Work through issues right away.

DON’T DO:
1. Punish.
Your spouse is your partner; not your child. It’s your job to call them out sometimes, but it’s never your job to punish them. There are natural consequences for our actions, but they don’t need you beating them over the head or giving them the cold shoulder as a way to intensify their pain.


2. Vent to others.
When your spouse has done something to irritate or hurt you, there’s a natural tendency to complain about it, but it can be destructive when we do it. Don’t get on social media and talk negatively about your spouse and don’t get your friends together and complain about your spouse. That’s toxic!
3. Retaliate.
When your spouse makes a bad choice, it’s an opportunity for you to offer grace, not permission for you to make a bad choice in return. Be quick to forgive. Grace creates a healthy marriage.