In step

[RiverOL]

To My Friend Who Wants to Leave her Husband​

I remember the conversation vividly. My friends and I were driving to the beach for a girl’s trip. In a rare moment of silence, one friend blared out that she was going to leave her husband because she didn’t love him anymore. As I listened to her reasoning, I silently prayed that God would give us the words to help our hurting friend give her husband and her marriage another chance. Here’s what we shared with her…



Every marriage has seasons of disappointment, frustration, and grind. Sometimes we bring it on ourselves with bad choices or careless mistakes. Other times, we’re blindsided by an unforeseen catastrophe. It’s easy to point fingers during those times. It’s easy to shut down, stop talking, and internalize bitterness or shame. But, those moments–when our hearts are broken and we have thousands of words left unspoken–are the very moments that we need to lean into our spouse the most.
This world tells us that love is a feeling that can come and go. If this is true, then love will fail us every time. And, it will never be

Love is NOT enough, and here’s why

enough to hold a marriage together. But, this is NOT at all how God defines love. The Bible tells us that true love is unconditional. It doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. It protects us. It heals us.
TRUE LOVE NEVER FAILS US.
Even so, there may be moments we feel like giving up on our spouse and ending our marriage. Why is this?
We don’t foresee the healing in our future. We don’t want to put in the work and take the time to get to the root issues.


We’d rather just start over.
But, what we fail to see is that marriage is a lasting commitment that we will always carry with us, regardless of whether or not we move on. God designed it this way. It’s not something we can just shake off and forget.
When we marry, we pledge to give every part of ourselves to our spouse. And, we trust him/her to do the same. In our world today, this is frowned upon because it means we have to be completely vulnerable and put our hearts on the line. This is the beautiful mystery of marriage. When both partners do this to the best of their ability–being naked souls before one another, holding nothing back–there is an incredible, intimate union that forms. And, the more we pursue God and one another, the tighter the bond becomes.
I think most of us go into our marriages wanting this amazing union with our partner. But, life gets in the way, and we forget to be intentional with our time. Our marriage gets put on the back burner, but this is counter to what God wants for our marriage and family.
Our spouse deserves our time and attention every single day–whether or not he/she has earned it. We give it to them because we love him/her, and we’re devoted to making this marriage thrive.



There will be times when we don’t feel like giving our spouse our time and attention–
when we feel like we’re just roommates,
when we feel like he/she isn’t giving us what we want,
when we don’t feel attracted to our spouse anymore,
when the thought of talking with him/her is exhausting,
when it feels like we can’t do anything right,
when we wonder if the marriage was a mistake,
when we decide to stay together “just for the kids,”
when we aren’t sure if we can trust him/her anymore,
when we’ve fallen out of love with our spouse,
when we have a secret that we’re not sure we can ever share with our spouse, and
when we hate being married, but don’t know what to do about it.

These situations can be hurtful, confusing, and potential devastating to our marriage.
But, THEY ARE NOT A REASON TO GIVE UP.
We must be willing to fight for our marriage. It certainly takes BOTH the husband and wife to make it work, but we must be willing to TAKE THE FIRST STEP.
Do those things you enjoyed doing together when you were dating.


Go to that place you’ve always wanted to go together.
Go see a Christian marriage counselor to help you learn how to have a healthier relationship.
Attend a couple’s retreat to strengthen your marriage.
Surround yourself with couples whose marriages are strong.

Pray together every day, and ask God to soften your hearts towards one another.
Increase the physical affection in your relationship, and make love often.
DON’T HOLD BACK. Share what’s on your heart. Be honest and open. Don’t have secrets of any kind that you keep from one another.
Remember–as a husband and wife, you have vowed to be each other’s partner, lover, best friend, encourager, accountability, and person to lean on when the other is weak. Marriage is a beautiful, lifelong partnership when we allow to be. But, we can’t give up when it gets hard. We must press on. Let’s not wonder how things could have been.

A Prayer for my Husband

As far as my friend I referenced at the beginning of this blog, I’m happy to say the weekend trip was a turning point for her. Although we did a lot of listening, as we should all do when a friend has something on his/her heart, my friends and I were also able to speak into her situation.


I certainly don’t have a perfect marriage, nor do I have all the answers, but I know Who does. I’m thankful that God doesn’t abandon us when we have marital problems. He was right there for my friend when she needed Him most. My friend and her husband decided to fight for their marriage with God’s help, and that was seven years ago. Today, their marriage is better than ever. I love seeing the smiles on their faces and great love and respect they have for one another. I feel like I witnessed a marriage miracle, and my friend is so thankful that she refused to give up on her husband.
Reader, if you feel like giving up on your marriage right now, please take this blog to heart. There is hope. Find a marriage counselor and take the steps necessary to rebuild your marriage. It can get better when you both are committed to making it better and allow God to do the rest.

 

[RiverOL]

Who Are Your Fellow Conspirators?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them—Matthew 18:20​

For many of us men, our default is go-it-alone. We prefer to work alone, make decisions alone, muscle through struggles alone, get credit for our accomplishments alone. Go-it-alone gives us control and allows us to avoid vulnerability. The problem is, our King, Jesus Christ, doesn’t think much of the go-it-alone approach, especially in the service of others. He didn’t go-it-alone during his time of ministry; he doesn’t go-it-alone now (John 10:22-39; 14:7-14). And when he sent followers to preach and do miracles, he sent them in pairs, so they wouldn’t go-it-alone either (Mark 6:7-13; Luke 10:1-12). Clearly this is important. But, why are pairs or groups such better units for service than is one man, on his own? Well, the reasons are a few—and each is as compelling as the ask-for-help approach is counter to our nature. First, and most importantly, Jesus is uniquely present when two or more people join together in his name (Matthew 18:20). Moreover, two or more people, joined together, working together, in friendship and trust, are often more confident and more impactful, than is just one man (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). And, two or more people, joined together, who know one another, who pray together and pray for one another, are more supported and more protected (from sin and from opposition), than is that same man, on his own (Ecclesiastes 4:10-12; Hebrews 3:13).

Okay, so what do we do?​ Do you go-it-alone, brother? Take a moment. Wherever you’re serving now, serving God and serving others—in ways large or small—consider whether it might be advantageous to pair-up with another follower of God. Pray and listen too. If the answer is yes, betray your instincts and your pride and ask God to send the right person. Then, begin to look around.

 

[RiverOL]

Nothing But Smoke​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy—Matthew 6:19​

This world, and everything in it, is characterized by defect and decay (Genesis 3:17; 1 John 2:17). Everything. Nothing is perfect—as much as we’d like to believe some things will be perfectly satisfying. Nothing lasts forever—as much as we’d like to believe some things can be with us always. Whenever we trust a created thing too much it lets us down, eventually. Whenever we put too much stock into a created thing it breaks our hearts, inevitably. We’ve all experienced this. Maybe we’ve trusted too much the ability of work to give us security. Maybe we’ve trusted too much the ability of achievement to give us meaning. Maybe we’ve trusted too much the ability of sex to give us comfort or adventure. Maybe we’ve trusted too much the abilities of houses or vacations or cars or tools or gear or gadgets to give us joy. “Smoke, nothing but smoke” (Ecclesiastes 1:2 MSG). Created things can be gifts from our Father God, of course (Ecclesiastes 5:18-19). Even those, though, cannot deliver everything we need. We’re to enjoy them during their moments, but our enjoyment is meant to be fleeting. If we begin to think the gifts themselves will fill us up, complete our lives, we invite grief. We’re meant to focus our lives, not on the gifts, but on the Giver. We’re meant to focus our lives, not on created things, but on the Creator. Only he is perfect and eternal.

Okay, so what do we do?​ If you’ve allowed yourself to trust any created thing too much—money, status, material things, sex, another person—it’s time to confess to God and to others. It’s time to repent. Declare that you want to be reliant on God alone . . . the Giver behind all gifts, the Creator behind all created things.

 

[RiverOL]

The BIG Lie that Leads to a Lonely Marriage​

Marriage, by its very definition, is the joining of two separate lives into one unified family. Two become one on a spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical level. God designed it this way. So, how is it that some people find themselves in a lonely marriage? It all begins with one or both partners believing a BIG lie.



We live in a society that applauds independence and the notion of achieving success all by ourselves. We are often groomed to do whatever it takes to protect ourselves because “no one else will”. Being independent and self-sufficient is certainly not a bad thing in and of itself, but it can lead to a lonely existence when we pursue it above all else (and many times we do). In a world where half of marriages end in divorce, we are taught to have one foot in the door and one foot out the door just to be ready in case our marriage fails. Some even have prenups, secret bank accounts, or money stashes in preparation for the day they may decide to divorce their spouse. What is the common denominator in all of these things?
It is the belief that we don’t NEED each other…that we can and should live our lives as if we were never married. It is a BIG LIE that sends husbands and wives into a lonely marital existence for years, and some even decide to call it quits.

So, what does a lonely marriage look like? It is two married people living very disconnected lives. Each spouse is highly engaged in his or her work during the day and doesn’t choose to involve his or her spouse in the workplace functions. There are no sweet texts or phone calls to connect with each other during the day. When they get home at night, both spouses are hyper-focused on the kids and all of their needs.



All conversation seems to center around what has been done or what needs to be done to take care of the kids, home, and finances. Both the husband and wife are much more concerned with setting up “Girls Night Out” or “Night Out with the Guys” as opposed to a date night. They rarely have sex, and when they do, there is a lack of connection. They both seem to be civil with each other, especially in public places, but there is frustration in the undercurrent of all of their communication.

They both feel stifled by the other and even resent most of what their spouse does. The husband and wife try to find reasons to not spend time together because the time they spend together is the loneliest and most exhausting part of their day. Both have completely lost sight of what brought them together in the first place. Somewhere along the way they lost their togetherness in an effort to pursue their independence. After all, they have each been doing their “own thing” and handling it all just fine, so they don’t really NEED each other, do they?

If this scenario described your marriage, please know that it doesn’t have to be this way. You CAN have the close, intimate marriage that you so desire.




So, if we are in a lonely marriage, what steps can we take to turn it around?


1. We need to engage in meaningful conversation with each other every day.
If we find that we are in a lonely marriage, there has been a breakdown of communication somewhere along the way. We need to start talking again. These conversations involve more than, “Kids have soccer on Friday” or “Office party is on Saturday night” or “What’s for dinner?”. We need to laugh together and talk about our hopes, fears, and dreams. We need to reconnect, and conversation is the bridge that will get us there. I also encourage you to start praying together every night. Your first prayer may be just asking God to help you get out of this lonely time in your marriage, and then you can add to your prayer list together.

2. We must remove anything that is perpetrating the loneliness in our marriage.
Are we spending more time with our friends than our spouse? If so, we need to spend less time with those friends and more time with our spouse. We need to invest in our friendship with our spouse! Are we staying at work too late? If so, we need to rearrange our work schedule so we can spend more time at home. We need to start connecting with our spouse throughout the day. This can be as simple as a sweet or flirtatious text saying, “I love you. I hope you are having a great day.” or a quick phone call to check in. This lets our partner know that we care, and we also feel cared for when they make us a high priority and not an afterthought. This is HUGE in marriage.



3. We must understand and admit that WE NEED EACH OTHER.
Some of you may think that needing your spouse shows weakness, makes you “needy”, or gives him/her too much power in your life, but the honest truth is a marriage will quickly become a lonely place unless both spouses are willing to lean on each other and care for one another as God intended. We are not giving up our individuality but we are trading our completely independent lives for a supportive, interdependent union with our spouse. I am not encouraging or promoting an unhealthy co-dependent marriage in which spouses emotionally abuse each other and neediness runs rampant. A healthy, balanced marriage is like a beautiful ballroom dance where the husband and wife are completely intertwined and in tune to one another with God leading them in their journey together. He gave us such a gift when He gave us our spouse. He never meant for us to live in a lonely marriage, so let’s embrace and cherish the beautiful gift of our marriage and let love defeat the loneliness.

 

[RiverOL]

3 Common EXCUSES that Keep us Stuck with a Mediocre Marriage​

Sometimes, we have a good excuse as to why our marriage isn’t in a good place at the moment. But, the truth is, excuses–even good ones–won’t get us anywhere.



I do it, and you do too.
We can come up with an excuse for everything.
I can’t lose weight because I’m too busy.
I couldn’t finish the work because I was tired.
I yelled at my kids because they wouldn’t listen to me.

Honestly, I’ve said ALL of these before, and I’m not proud of it. I can find an excuse, or a justification for why things aren’t where they should be, at the drop of a hat. As human beings, we don’t want to take responsibility for our own actions, because that means we will have to take a long, hard look at ourselves in the mirror and deal with the truth. Sometimes, we’re are reluctant to face the truth because it stings. And, after accepting the truth, we also realize that we need to change some things in our life. That’s even more difficult.

So, instead, we just make excuses and settle for mediocrity at best.
This happens all too often in our marriages. You might feel like you’re stuck right now. Friends, it doesn’t have to be this way. We don’t have to settle for a mediocre marriage. The first step is recognizing what excuses we’re currently making. There are probably hundreds of excuses we use, but here are 3 common excuses that keep us stuck with a mediocre marriage.


1. I can’t help how I feel, and I’m just not feeling it anymore.
Just the other day, I was watching a morning news program, and they were talking about why some marriages end. One of the commentators said, “Well, the heart wants what the hearts wants.”
This is true…I guess. But, I seriously wanted to turn off the TV when I heard this, because this one excuse has caused so many of us to make terrible decisions when it comes to our relationships. Our hearts are fickle. They can be good and gracious, but they can also be deceitful and hateful. Our desires can change on a daily basis, so we can’t trust our hearts. The Bible has a lot to say about this too.

From their callous hearts comes iniquity;
their evil imaginations have no limits.
Psalm 73:7

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
Proverbs 3:5

Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.
Proverbs 4:23

A person may think their own ways are right,



but the Lord weighs the heart.
Proverbs 21:2

There will be times when we won’t find our spouse to be very desirable. Other times, our heart will flutter when he/she walks in the room. Some days, we will love the sound of his/her voice. Other days, that sound will hit us like fingernails on a chalkboard. This doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. And, it’s definitely not an excuse to get romantically involved with someone we find attractive at work. In fact, there’s never a reason or justification for an affair. Those moments when we’re frustrated with our marriage and tired of the way things are is the very time that we need to guard our hearts the most.

It’s true; the heart wants what the heart wants. But, we aren’t helpless. We can train our hearts to want the right things when we turn our hearts to God. At times, this will be hard, but it will save our marriage and keep our hearts in the right place.
Sometimes we just need to try something new TOGETHER. Read “The BEST Kept Secret to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great” for more on this.


2. We have grown apart.
When we looked into our spouse’s eyes on our wedding day and said our vows, we were so excited about our future together. Then, life happened…jobs, kids, obligations, finances, in-laws, illness, and expectations. If we’re not intentional about keeping our marriage strong every day, then everything else will take over. And, we WILL grow apart.

But, even if we do…even if we feel like there are hundreds of miles between us…we can turn back and start moving towards each other to begin the healing process in our marriage. In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he talks about how God binds fellow believers together the more we pursue Him.
Ephesians 4:15-17

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
We can apply this to our marriage as well. Let’s not focus on past mistakes. Let’s forgive and move forward. Let’s pray and believe that God can bring us back together.


Don’t give up on marriage. Grow TOGETHER by spending time together daily, talking regularly, going to counseling, and praying for one another. Read “3 Things I Wish I Could’ve Told Myself on my Wedding Day” for more details on this.

3. All we do is fight.
My husband, Dave, and I hear this a lot when we meet with couples who are going through a hard time in their marriage.
I get it. Emotions can get so high that every single conversation ends in a fight. We feel like our spouse isn’t listening. We don’t feel respected. We feel attacked. And, everything in us tells us to walk away because we are tired of fighting.
In “4 BIG DOs and DON’Ts When Arguing with Your Spouse”, I discuss how yelling matches can deeply wound our spouse and marriage. It’s hard to listen to someone when we feel like we’re being attacked. And, we often say things that are extremely hurtful. Once we say it, we can never take it back. This can also be extremely damaging to our children as they witness our frequents outbursts.


If this is you, please seek a Christian marriage counselor immediately. If that isn’t possible, please find someone who loves you, your spouse, and God, and ask them to mediate some conversations between you and your spouse. I also highly recommend going to a marriage crisis retreat. There are many you can choose from, but one we often recommend is put on by an organization called Family Dynamics.

Maybe you aren’t yelling at each other, but it still feels like you are always at odds whenever you talk. If this is the case, I encourage you to listen to what your partner has to say without interjecting any comments. Then, say, “I hear you saying…”, and tell them what you think they are trying to say. Then, your partner will tell you if you are correct. After that, it’s your turn to say what’s on your mind. This may seem really cheesy, but it works. It slows the conversation down a bit and keeps us from being defensive. This process forces us to really listen to each other. We may even learn something new and get to the root of the strain in our relationship.
More than anything, we must find a healthy way to communicate on a regular basis. Fighting will only build walls in our relationship. But, talking kindly to one another will keep us connected and on the same page.

 

[RiverOL]

7 Ways to Avoid Partners Who Are Wrong for You​

Many people who are in toxic relationships ask themselves “Why do I fall for partners who are bad for me?” Or, “How can I be sure to pick a partner who is a good match for me?”

Maura, put it this way: “I have an instinct to “fix” every man I date. My counselor says I’m co-dependent and that I tend to try to save men who treat me badly. How can I change this pattern around and have healthy relationships?”


When I met with Maura for an interview for this article she said: Why am I settling for less than I deserve in relationships?
Too often people settle for less than they deserve because they’re afraid of being alone. If this is your tendency, gently remind yourself that you are a worthwhile person regardless of whether or not you are in a romantic relationship. There are many ways that you can learn to get more comfortable with being alone such as taking up a hobby, joining a book club for stimulation, or simply writing down your feelings in a journal and perhaps sharing them with a close friend or therapist.
7 ways to avoid relationships that are wrong for you:
1. Face your fear of being alone. Many people settle for relationships that are wrong for them because they fear being single and any stigma attached to this. Women are especially likely to feel stigma when they are not part of a couple.
2. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. When you compromise too many of the values that are important to you, these relationships usually fail. Focus on your deal breakers and pick a partner who is someone who you can share a life with and deepen your love with over time.


3. Set an expectation of mutual respect. You can accept, admire, and respect each other for who you are. If you don’t have respect for your partner, it will eat away at chemistry until you have nothing left. A partner who truly cares about you is a boost to your self-esteem. He or she values you, gives you compliments, and encourages you to do things that are in your best interest.
4. Ask yourself: Does my partner keep his/her agreements. Are they someone who you can trust because they demonstrate consistency between their words and actions? When someone is interested in you, they’ll keep their agreements.
5. Notice if your love interest carves out time for you on a regular basis – that he/she makes you a priority because they value your relationship. This includes regular text messages or phone calls to show that they’re thinking of you and inviting you to do things together.
6. Look for a partner who you have both chemistry and compatibility with. Even if you meet someone who isn’t gorgeous, be patient and see if your attraction grows over time. Look for qualities such as kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity, and consideration because these are characteristics that describe someone who is a worthy long-term partner.



7. Select a partner who talks about your future together. If he or she says “I’m not ready for a commitment,” take him or her seriously — they’re just not that into you. Don’t waste your time on a relationship that doesn’t have a future.
Keep in mind that you are not alone: many people fear being alone and stay in toxic relationships far too long. Be gentle with yourself as you spend time with partners who are reciprocal and loving. It may seem unnatural at times to be in a relationship that is healthy, but over time you will adapt and flourish!

 

[RiverOL]

Speak Responsibly​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love—1 Corinthians 16:13-14​

Whether it’s two of us or twelve of us or more, when we gather in Christian community, we’re to speak truth to one another, truth motivated by love (Ephesians 4:15). Truth in love—it sounds simple, actually . . . straightforward. And sometimes it is. Many times, though, it’s anything but simple or straightforward. And, in those times, we men don’t typically fare too well. I mean, the mess and complexity of life can make speaking truth in love daunting and uncomfortable—for example, when it requires we challenge a brother or admonish him; when it requires we call-out a brother or call him back from sin. So it’s a rare group of men indeed who are willing to speak truth in love even when it’s hard. We’ve got to be that kind of men. For us to be that kind, though, we must first be another kind: men who take time to know one another. You see, except in a few cases, it’s irresponsible to “speak truth” to any man without knowing his story. We’re one body, all following our King, Jesus Christ, but we’re also all different, with different designs, different functions, different experiences (Romans 12:4-5). For community to work, for truth to flow properly, we must understand and appreciate each other. And we begin by telling our stories. If we don’t begin there, we’re likely to damage community and to do damage to each other—like when we give advice and try to “fix” a person, or a situation, we don’t fully understand.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Do you know your brothers’ stories? If you haven’t already, give each man an hour—at least—to tell his story, completely. Have each man start at the beginning and bring his story current. Encourage transparency. Ask no questions. Give no advice. Just listen.

 

[RiverOL]

7 Signs of Healthy Conflict​

It may seem obvious to view conflict as a negative entity. We don’t like the emotions that come with disagreement. But the truth is, conflict is neutral. In and of itself, it is neither positive nor negative. It is the way we approach, handle, and resolve conflict that determines whether it becomes a bad thing or a good thing. Like most things, it is our choices that determine the value of conflict.
As such, there are two kinds of conflict. Healthy and unhealthy. One adds value to relationships. It isn’t just something to endure, let alone lament. It is a tool for strengthening intimacy. The other is a poison. Here are 7 signs you are on the right side of the health of conflict.

1) Define “Win”​

Conflict, by definition is two (or more) people on opposing sides of an issue. If you define “winning” by destroying, conquering, and overcoming the other side, you are in a dangerous place. If you define “winning” as sharing truth, honesty, and coming to a mutual understanding, you’re on your way to health. The vision for conflict is vital. It determines our aim. If we are aiming to destroy one another, we will. If we are aiming for health and unity, conflict will be a tool that aids us. Our conflict will be determined by our intention.

2) Heart Of The Matter​

So often, we erupt in conflict over trivial things. We hide the true issues behind superficial ones. We yell because our spouse forgot to fold the towels without realizing the true meaning behind our hurt – their actions make us feel like they are taking us for granted. The problem is that we want our conflict to be about facts. It help makes us right. It helps ensure we win. It is ammo. But conflict is almost always about perspective. If we can be honest about what we’re talking about, we can engage in conflict honestly.

3) Safe​

Home plate for conflict is the feeling of safety within a relationship. If you do not trust your partner, if you do not feel safe being honest with someone, you’ve struck out before taking a swing. The grounding reality that you are on the same team with whoever you are in conflict with is the gravity that keeps our feet on the ground. If we don’t feel safe, we won’t share anything but defense mechanisms and weapons of either the aggressive or passive-aggressive variety.

4) Un-Avoided​

One sign of healthy conflict is conflict. The reality is that people disagree. Their expectations are different and each, in their time, are unmet. Conflict is engaging in a discussion about those differences to the affect of mutual understanding. Just because you are not talking about issues doesn’t mean your avoiding conflict. You’re just avoiding healthy conflict. Refusing to engage directly in conflict sparks things like gossip and depression. We fight the battles, but not on the proper battlefield. Healthy conflict does not shy away from itself.

5) Eager To Forgive​

Forgiveness is the cousin of safety. If you’re on the same team with someone, you are looking to forgive. I’ve seen this time and again in our marriage. If I do something to hurt my wife, I can see her desperately wanting to forgive me. It’s in her eyes even when she is yelling at me. She loves me. She just needs to express herself, comprehend my perspective, and recalibrate to our vision. The opposite of this is an eagerness to destroy.

6) Honest And True​

Healthy conflict doesn’t pull any punches. It is the whole truth, nothing but the truth. So help you. The only way we get to truth is through honesty. It sounds counterintuitive, but acknowledging our faults and expressing the imperfectly raw reality of our feelings helps bring us closer to mutual understanding. Plus, so much of conflict comes from our deep desire to be seen and heard. We don’t have to agree to resolve conflict. Unity is not conformity. Honesty is not always truth, but is a necessary step in the right direction.

7) Emotion-Tamer​

Emotions are a tricky business. And our emotions are never higher than when in conflict. If done in the right way, we handle our emotions properly. We express them without worshipping them. We give them their due without giving them the reigns. Emotions have their place. They alert us of a need for conflict (because a value is being triggered and/or an expectation unmet). Once we acknowledge the alert, it is time to other resources.

 

[RiverOL]

5 Ways to Overcome Fear of Commitment and Achieve Long-lasting Love​

The divorce epidemic reached its peak in the late 1970’s. Since then, the divorce rate has remained high – over 45% of first marriages end in divorce and more than 60% of second marriages. These statistics have impacted many adults willingness or interest in making a commitment to a romantic partner or to tie the knot.

In the twenty-first century, many people see divorce as a viable option to the inevitable hard times of marriage. Stable and healthy marriages seem to be in short supply. If you lacked healthy role models for a successful marriage, you may view marriage as disposable and not as essential to your life goals. Further, our culture has become increasingly individualistic and we seek personal happiness and focus on our own needs more so that the needs of a group or family members, as we did prior to the 2oth century. This has contributed to a trend towards individuals delaying commitment and marriage.


According to relationship expert, Scott Carroll, MD, having divorced parents often makes people either cynical about marriage or excessively cautious, but they sometimes throw caution to the wind and fall head-over-heals for someone they have intense chemistry with. Then this strong chemistry can lead to explosive arguments and an eventual break-up. This is especially true for individuals who have a non-secure attachment style. However, awareness is the first step in breaking this self-defeating cycle,

If you are an adult children of divorce, it’s important to keep partnerships in perspective. The truth is that all relationships end, either through breakup or death. But many people raised in divorced homes are preoccupied with the fear of a relationship ending. They fear that no matter what they do, their marriage will suffer the same fate as their parents did. Even if they do decide to marry, they may go into marriage with a lingering thought in the back of their heads that tells them it won’t work out.

This skeptical attitude can contribute to the high divorce rate. Don’t let fear stop you from achieving the true intimacy that comes with commitment. Many people hedge their bets against failure and avoid making a full commitment to a romantic partner. By doing this, they miss out on the level of intimacy that comes with making a complete commitment to their partner.


Whether your parents divorced or stayed together in an unhappy marriage, examining your attitudes about love and commitment can help you to explore options that are right for you. As you let go of fears of your relationship failing, you’ll gain confidence in your ability to love fully and make a long-term commitment.
For instance, Tessa’s parents stayed together but she has a tendency to fear abandonment because her she has an non-secure personality style. Because her parents argued a lot and were rarely home, she experienced a lot of loneliness as an only child. As a result, she clings to relationships even when her needs aren’t being met. Tessa blamed herself when Keith was distant and unwilling to work on their marriage, saying, “Is there something wrong with me?” She wonders out loud, “Am I flawed in some way – not woman enough, sexy enough?”

Tessa is an attractive, intelligent woman, but her adult intimate relationships have been unpredictable and disappointing. Her craving for a failsafe relationship will always be unsatisfied, because such a relationship doesn’t exist. In addition, she has a tendency to pick partners who are emotionally withdrawn and a poor fit for her since she needs a lot of reassurance and an opportunity to build trust and confidence in herself.
If you have fear of commitment, think about this reality: even people from intact or happy homes are faced with this reality – relationships, even marriages, provide no guarantees.
Examining your attitudes about love and commitment can help you to explore options that are right for you. As you let go of fears of your relationship failing, you’ll gain confidence in your ability to love fully and make a long-term commitment.
The task then, is to learn from your parents’ failed or unhappy marriage and your own past – creating loving relationships that are healthy and lasting. The following tips may help you on your journey for love and moving toward commitment:

• Go slowly with a new partner and allow your relationship to develop over time. Avoid making a long-term commitment before the age of twenty-five. You’ll enhance your chances of finding lasting love if you know yourself and have established a solid identity and are more financially secure.
• Strive to pick a partner with a similar background and interests if you are single. Couples who have vast differences in these two areas have an increased risk of divorce.
• Work on making yourself a better person rather than focusing on your partner’s flaws. If one person’s attitude and behavior becomes more positive, this will have a good impact on the relationship.
• Improve communication with your partner. Make a goal to listen to your partner more than you speak and express empathy when he or she is having a tough day. When you have a complaint express it as a need such as “I would appreciate it if you could be on time or call when you are late, rather than “You are so selfish and never think about me.”
• Seek couples counseling if you go through a difficult patch in your relationship. Most marriages dissolve in the first ten years – especially the first five years. Hang in there unless your partner is abusive and seek counseling to improve communication.

With greater insight and determination, you can enhance the probability of experiencing long-lasting love. If you are in a relationship do your best to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and stop and examine your part in a disagreement, rather that automatically assuming that they’re to blame or are intentionally trying to deceive or hurt you.
Keep in mind that a good marriage or relationship is a two-way street. It’s key to check-in with your partner weekly and set short-term and long-term goals toward your vision as a couple. By doing this, you will make your marriage more important than your individual needs and goals and achieve a sustainable relationship.

 

[RiverOL]

Why Modern Love Won’t Make Your Marriage Last, but THIS Will…​

The world defines love as a feeling and something we fall in and out of, which means we can lose the love that someone has already given us. This is especially disheartening when it comes to marriage. If love is just a fickle feeling, then how in the world can any of us stay married for life?
The truth is, we can’t…if THAT’S love. But, don’t worry. This is GOOD NEWS…

The good news is God doesn’t define love this way. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says,

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.”



And, verse 13 goes on to say,

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

Wow. THAT’S real love. That’s the kind of love that I want to have for my husband–not some wishy-washy, tepid love. I want the kind of love that lasts forever.

My husband, Dave, wrote amazing book called, “The Seven Laws of Love: Essential Principles for Building Stronger Relationships”. In the book, he explains how God designed love and how we are to approach love and show love in all of our relationships. Right out of the gate, Dave talks about how “love requires commitment”. He goes on to say that we can’t truly love someone without being committed to the person and the relationship.

When we are committed to someone or something, we offer that person or thing lots of time, attention, and devotion. Sadly, there are many of us who are more committed to our hobbies and jobs than we are to our own families. Read “3 Good Things that can be BAD for your Marriage,” for more on this.

When we marry, we vow–or commit–to love our spouse for all the days of our lives. When we have kids, we are committed to raising our kids to the best of our ability and to never give up on them, no matter what. In friendships, we are committed to being there for our friends in times of need and protecting their reputations. As Christians, we show our love and commitment to Christ by praying, reading the Word, and doing what He’s called us to do the very best we can.



True love–God-designed love–requires commitment.

When life is hard and our relationship seems to be more difficult than usual, our feelings will change. But, our commitment can be unwavering when we CHOOSE to stay committed through thick and thin.

That is precisely why love–as the world knows it and defines it–is not enough.

But, love–as God designed it and defines it–IS.

We can’t choose our feelings. We’re human. But, we can choose to love someone enough to be committed to him/her.

This is how marriage is supposed to work. When both partners choose to love each other by staying fully committed to one another on a daily basis, the marriage will thrive. Let’s strive for THAT kind of love, Friends; a love and a commitment that will never fail.

 

[RiverOL]

Squinting Through the Fog​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God . . . and it will be given him—James 1:5​

God knows what’s right in every circumstance. We do not. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death” (Proverbs 14:12). And yet, God installs us as decision-makers nonetheless. He intends us to struggle through, and answer, tough questions throughout our lives: Should I take the job? Should I marry the girl? Am I becoming the man God intends me to become? How should I deal with pain and fear and temptation? Tough questions, indeed. Huge implications. King Solomon was an epic decision-maker. God told him, “I give you a wise and discerning mind, so that none like you has been before you and none like you shall arise after you” (1 Kings 3:12). Fortunately for the rest of us, Solomon passed along some of that God-given wisdom, in the form of the Book of Proverbs. For tough questions, Solomon wrote, we must look first to God (Proverbs 3:5-6). One way to do that, since he empowers us as agents of his wisdom, is actually to look to our brothers in Christian community (Proverbs 11:14; James 5:19-20). Wrote Solomon, “a wise man listens to advice” (Proverbs 12:15). Counsel from other men is one of our most powerful tools. We needn’t use it for every question. But, for the toughest ones, we must.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Gather some men—two or three, at least, probably not more than five or six—who know you and with whom you’ll be transparent. Plan for an hour or two. Describe your situation—the question, the background, the possible courses of action. Ask them to discern with you, not to judge. Encourage them to ask questions and help you search for wisdom. I bet you’ll be surprised before the end.

 

[RiverOL]

Want Impact?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

If you had faith like a grain of mustard seed—Luke 17:6​

We want our lives to matter. We want these few days we spend here to mean something. We want some sort of impact. Well, brother, if we really want impact, we’ve got to allow the amplifying power of the Holy Spirit to work through us—by being willing to act in faith. When we act alone (as we so often do), we do so with our own strength. But when we act in faith, our actions are amplified by the strength of a great and powerful God. Men and women acting in faith have “stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight” (Hebrews 11:33-34). The surprising thing about acting in faith is that—unlike when we act alone—it’s not our skill, nor our cleverness, that determines the magnitude of impact. When the Apostle Paul worked to start the church in Corinth, he spoke “in weakness and in fear,” lacking “plausible words of wisdom” (1 Corinthians 2:3-4). He must have doubted whether he’d had any impact at all. But the church was established nonetheless. “God’s Spirit and God’s power did it,” through Paul’s seemingly unimpressive actions, taken in faith (1 Corinthians 2:3-5 MSG).

Okay, so what do we do?​ Just do something. Choose something practical, something that fits within the great commandments (Matthew 22:36-39), and something that’s too big. Go ahead and get in over-your-head. Tackle the problem that’s been on your heart. Tell someone about your faith. Help that person who’s hard to love. Things might not turn out as you expect, of course—or with the timing you’d like. Trust, though, if you do act, you’ll begin to have the impact for which you’re meant.

 

[RiverOL]

4 ways to improve a lonely marriage​

Recently, my amazing wife Ashley recently wrote an insightful post on “The Big Lie that leads to a Lonely Marriage” and it stirred up a lot of conversations. Through those conversations, we’re learning that many individuals feel “alone” in their marriage.
There are different degrees of loneliness in marriage, and we’ve heard statements like this:


“My husband just doesn’t understand me.”
“I’m the only one who seems to care about this marriage.”
“My wife doesn’t seem to care about my needs.”
“We’re just going through the motions. I don’t know how to break out of this frustrating cycle.”
“It’s like we’re not even married. We’re just two roommates sharing the same house.”
“I want things to be better, but he/she doesn’t seem to want to change anything.”
“I’m doing all I can, but I feel like I’m fighting alone. I feel alone in this marriage.”

Do any of those statements resonate with you? There are few things in life more discouraging than feeling disregarded, disrespected or abandoned by a spouse. If you find yourself in a “Lonely Marriage,” don’t lose hope.
There are ways you can fight for your marriage even when it feels like you’re fighting alone.
If you’re feeling alone in your marriage, you can do everything in your power to bring improvements to the relationship by:
1. Give love based on permanent commitments, not temporary feelings.


One of the most difficult (and most important) aspects of marriage is to love your spouse even when he/she is being unlovable. This is really the essence of love. It means giving the best of ourselves even when it’s not being immediately reciprocated. This is what God has done for us. It’s selfless, and it’s difficult, but it’s also powerful.

2. Model the kind of behavior you want to see from him/her.
When we’re frustrated with our spouse, it’s natural to want to unplug from them, nag them or criticize them, but none of those tactics ever seem to work. This step is a natural progression from the first point about giving love even when it isn’t immediately reciprocate. Do for him/her what you’d like to see done in return. Encourage more than your criticize.




3. Find encouragement in healthy friendships.
When you’re feeling lonely in a marriage, it’s natural to seek encouragement from friends, but if you’re not careful, it can also be dangerous. Their “encouragement” can turn into a session of bashing your spouse or romanticizing divorce. Find encouraging friends, but make sure they’re healthy people who love you AND love your spouse too.

4. Have faith.
Faith isn’t a feeling. It’s a choice to trust God even when life does’t seem to make sense. Through this lonely season, find comfort in the God who promises to never leave or forsake us and also promises to work all things together for our good. He will carry you through this, so choose to overcome this challenge by becoming better, not bitter.

 

[RiverOL]

A Relationship > A Rule​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track—Proverbs 3:6​

We men like formulas. We like bullet points. We like bright lines. They make life easier. They cut through mystery and doubt. We’d love it if such things could govern our relationships with God. They would make following him easier, too. At least, we think they would. So we try to create them. It starts innocently: Someone seeks God and finds him—through a specific prayer or practice, or through a particular way of studying Scripture or being in community or doing service. But, then, that person decides that’s “the” way to find God. Others are persuaded, of course, because they want to find God too. And a formula is born, a bullet point, a bright line, a rule about how our relationships with God must look. The thing is, while God never changes (James 1:17, Hebrews 13:8), our relationships with him do. They’re ever changing, ever challenging (2 Corinthians 3:18). There’s always more with God. There’s always mystery. And there’s always something new. But because we fear change and fear being challenged, we often cling to what’s worked in the past or what’s worked for someone else. We create a rule, repeat a ritual, but we may not grow and mature in our relationships with God.

Okay, so what do we do?​ “Don’t set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do. Save that authority for God; let him tell you what to do” (Matthew 23:8-10 MSG). Set aside some time to pray and to listen. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you. Ask where you might find him next—maybe in Scripture; maybe through serving; or on a short-term mission trip; or out in his creation; or something else. Let him guide your thoughts. Let him keep you on track.

 

[RiverOL]

Ready for an Upgrade?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere—James 3:17​

A lot of men—not every man—but a lot of us struggle to hold back a harsh and judgmental attitude toward the world around us, sometimes even toward those we love the most. In the rush and charge of life, with the volatility of family, the pressure of work, the friction of the world, we too often give in to snap impulses to anger and criticism. They feel right in the moment, but they never are (Proverbs 14:17). More considered, gentler approaches are always better—less destructive, more effective, more powerful (Proverbs 19:11, 29:11; James 3:13-18). These impulses also reveal something deeper: our pride. If we’re honest, they come from thinking too highly of ourselves, trusting ourselves too much, trusting our wisdom, our capabilities, and our “ways” too much . . . and thinking too little of those of the people around us. But, “God opposes the proud,” as pride leads only to hurt and separation (James 4:6; Proverbs 16:18). So, we must take ground in this struggle. We mustn’t let another day, another year, another decade slip by, doing nothing. These impulses are too hard on others. We must allow our guide, God the Holy Spirit, to train us in humility, to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19-20).

Okay, so what do we do?​ Confess and repent to God, in prayer. Turn your back on that harsh, judgmental man. Declare that you want to be a different kind of man. Invite God’s training. That’s a bold prayer—so bring a brother (or a few) into the endeavor. Ask him/them to pray for you, speak truth to you, and keep you accountable as God begins to move in your life.

 

[RiverOL]

Where’s Home?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest—Matthew 11:28​

“He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness” (Psalm 23:2-3). How does God restore your soul, brother? Where do you find rest? How are you most able to forget, even for a few moments, the pressures of this life? Where do you get reset and realigned? How do you connect with God most easily? Where are you most able to hear his voice or feel his guidance? Is it in praying at your breakfast table in the early morning, before anyone else wakes? Or in reading Scripture on the treadmill or in your car over the lunch hour? Is it in a few minutes of stillness and solitude in the evening? Or in boisterous community around a table, with brothers or with family? Is it in walking or running or biking through streets or through hills? Is it in listening to music? Or in making your own music, singing in church perhaps? Or in something else entirely? Recognize that God designed you, uniquely, to have ways—even amid the busyness—to find him, to find rest and restoration through him. You were designed to, every so often, just come home. So open your eyes. Search your heart. He has, no doubt, already shown you how.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Think back on times when you most felt God’s peace, most felt his presence. That you have experienced him in particular ways, in particular places, in particular activities, means he has spoken . . . right to you. He’s given you permission to do those things, whatever they are. He’s told you he wants you to do those things—that you’ve got to do those things. Now, you simply must choose to do them, consistently and often.

 

[RiverOL]

2 Tips to Help Guard Against Intruders In Your Marriage​

Over the years, I have been seeing how today’s society doesn’t value the sanctity of marriage. More and more couples are experiencing the devastation of broken marriages and divorces. From a Christian perspective, God values marriage. God’s idea of marriage consists of an unbreakable covenant between a man and woman (Matthew 19:6). It is His desire that marriages be instruments that He can use to show the image of His faithfulness and everlasting love to the world (John 13:35).


At a marriage seminar a few years ago, my husband and I heard a powerful story surrounding the circular shape of your ring and how it is a symbol of protection from “invasions” into your relationship. We learned that it is important to cover your marriage and guard against “invasions” that seek to gain access to destroy your union. Here are 2 “invaders” that we learned to look out for to share for growth in your marriage.

1. Time Stealers​

Time is something that couples should invest in their marriage. It is too easy to let time stealers invade moments designed for quality time with the one you love. Be careful to not let subtle time stealers such as hobbies, emails, TV, Facebook, Instagram, and other social media become distractions that stunt growth. Here are a few tips to reclaim quality time to find intimate moments together:

• Schedule weekly date nights.
• Cook dinner together.
• Send your spouse love notes by email and text during the day.
• Cuddle while watching a movie.

2. Emotion Stealers​

Communication is a must have in your marriage. After all, intimate talks to share your heart, feelings, goals, and dreams deepen your marriage’s bond and connection. However, improper relationships can seek to “invade” the space that only belongs to your spouse. This can take the form of sharing your heart with someone of the opposite sex or “venting” to friends about your spouse. Remember, honoring your commitment to God and your spouse requires continual connection and communication to strengthen your marriage (Proverbs 4:23).
These 2 tips will help you guard against invasions to solidify growth and build your marriage as God’s platform to reflect Him and your commitment to Him for all to see.

 

[RiverOL]

4 Reasons Why You and Your Spouse Aren’t on the SAME PAGE​

I hear married couples say it all the time—“The two of us just can’t get on the same page” or “We’re just on different pages”. I’ve said it before, too. Many have come to accept it as a normal thing that happens in marriage. But, the longer we stay on different pages, the more our marriage suffers.



So, how do we end up on different pages in the first place?
Well, it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s something that can sneak up on us unless we are intentional about our time and investment into our marriage.
First, we have to understand what it really means to be on different pages. Being on “different pages” is a way of saying that one partner is ahead of or behind the other. The two aren’t going through life at the same pace or in the same direction.

This can cause huge fights and discontentment in a marriage. Instead of feeling like we are playing for the same team, we end up feeling like opponents.
After years of working with married couples in crisis, my husband and I have noticed some common reasons why couples end up on different pages. It’s important that we understand how we got to the problem so we can find the proper solution…or avoid the pitfall altogether…before it’s too late.
Here are 4 reasons why you and your spouse aren’t on the same page:

1. Communication Issues
This is probably the biggest one. Unless we make healthy communication a daily priority, then it will start to break down. Healthy communication means we are actively talking and listening to one another and answering each other’s phone calls, texts, and messages. We silence the cell phone, close the laptop, and turn off the television and look into each others eyes while sharing what’s on our heart. When we fail to do this, we fail to really connect, and we eventually find ourselves on different pages.


2. Poor Choices
This is a hard one. In many situations, there is one spouse who continues to make poor choices, while the other tries to keep the marriage and family afloat. This causes great stress in the marriage and can tear a marriage apart. It’s important to remember that when one partner makes a poor choice, it affects both partners just the same.

Some common poor choices that people make in marriage is flirting with someone outside the marriage, drinking too much, leading an unhealthy lifestyle, lying, hiding money, having an affair, and stealing. These poor choices damage the trust and intimacy in our relationship and lead to major marriage problems.
It’s important that both spouses identify the destructive behavior(s) and get help before it becomes a full blown addiction or worse. And, it’s even more important that both the husband and the wife walk through this road to recovery TOGETHER. It’s never just “his problem” or “her problem”; in marriage, it’s always “our problem,” and we must choose to face it together in order for healing to take place.
For more on this, please read, “5 Things to do When You’re in a FOR WORSE Season of Marriage,” by clicking here.



3. Pride
Most of us are guilty of this one from time to time. We want to be “right” more than we want to admit fault and show our flaws. As husband and wife, we must learn to embrace the latter. We aren’t in competition with our spouse. We’re partners playing for the same team. So, let’s stop this “tit-for-tat” game and humble ourselves towards God and one another.
The best way we can do this is by praying together. It doesn’t have to be fancy or lengthy. Just find a time during the day, bow your heads, and talk to God. It’s really hard to stay mad at someone and pray for them at the same time. When we pray together, God softens our hearts towards one another and helps us to lay down our pride. He helps us to see our spouse with fresh, loving eyes and to have wisdom as we work to stay on the same page.

4. Priority Problems
This is another biggie. Reader, this world tells us to choose achievement over relationships and hobbies over family time. But, this kind of thinking will tear our marriage apart and leave us feeling empty in the end.
There is nothing more important in this world than our marriage and family. Nothing. There’s no job, television show, game, hobby, food, friend, extended family member, social media forum, or accolade that should come before my spouse. So, why do we choose those those things over our spouse time after time? It’s because we have our priorities backwards. We have to fight to keep our families first, but they are worth the fight. If WE aren’t intentional about our time with our spouse, then someone or something else will take that time from us.


Dear Reader, if you and your spouse are struggling with being on the same page, please address these issues before it is too late. Everything and everyone else can wait. It’s time to get on the same page.

 

[RiverOL]

Who Are Your Enemies?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you—Luke 6:27-28​

Who are your enemies? Do you have any? Who hates you? Anyone? Most of us would probably answer, no. We might even conclude that these words, spoken so long ago, have become a little irrelevant in our present, everyday lives. And we might try to just move on to the next set of instructions. But, should we? Can we? The answer is, absolutely not. These particular instructions are as relevant to us, right now, as they are challenging—and as they are important. Our King, Jesus Christ, is simply calling on us to love even those who are hardest to love. And we know people like that. Who’s mistreated you? Who’s let you down? Who’s taken advantage of you? Maybe someone at work? A family member? A friend? A neighbor? Someone you barely know? “Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst” (Luke 6:27-30 MSG). We must treat well those who’ve treated us badly (Luke 6:27-29). We must help those who will never help us back (Luke 6:31-34). We must be generous to those who are anything but (Luke 6:29-30). And we must be merciful to them all (Matthew 6:14-15). But, not only that, we must be merciful again and again and again (Matthew 18:21-22). You see, what Jesus is teaching us—what we must grasp and embrace—is that we don’t fight evil with yet more evil; we fight evil with good (Romans 12:21).

Okay, so what do we do?​ Who’d be the hardest person for you to pray for? Got him? Got her in mind? Okay, that’s your person. Pray for them. Let God the Holy Spirit lead you in how to pray. Pray tomorrow too. Write their name down and pray for them every day for a week, at least.

 

[RiverOL]

How to Know When It’s Time to Go … To Couples’ Counseling​

You’ve heard the timeworn — and so often true — cliche: marriage is work. No matter how strong a marriage or remarriage is, couples often encounter a common set of conflicts. Whether early in a new marriage, or after years together, these universal issues tend to revolve around communication, or a lack thereof.



In a recent article for the Cleveland Clinic, Dr. Adam Borland explains the five most prevalent marital problems and suggests that the solution is as universal as the source of these struggles. Dr. Borland offers couples counseling, and the resulting improvements in communication, as a panacea for his five most frequent causes of stress and unhappiness in a marriage.
First, is poor communication. Whether married couples clash over the mundane, everyday back and forth of life, or fail to open themselves open emotionally and be vulnerable with their partner, ineffective communication is the first of the issues that Dr. Borland says can be improved by therapy.
Second, Borland sees a lack of physical intimacy as a source of many marital ills. Additionally, he identifies fractured trust, big life changes and events, and addiction as “the big five” forces that too often frustrate and alienate partners.

And just as all of these sources of strife are interconnected, so too are the keys to repairing a broken relationship. Dr. Borland prescription for wedded woes is built on marriage counseling aimed at improving three main tenets: effective communication, honesty and trust.
Specifically, Borland’s practice is built on addressing the way in which a couple communicates so that both parties can feel heard, understood, and ultimately connected to one another. Working on honesty will naturally bolster the emotional bonds between partners. And finally, having worked on trust issues, couples will see improved cooperation.

The following are my thoughts about the reasons why I believe couples counseling can help couples:
How can marriage counseling help couples?

• A motivated couple can begin to explore their problems from a new perspective.
• They can learn new ways to recognize and resolve conflicts as a result of the tools provided by the therapist.
• Partners can improve communication that may have eroded the quality of their interactions. It’s common for couples to reach an impasse and lose the ability to be vulnerable and trusting of one another.
• It can provide “neutral territory” to help couples work through tough issues or to put aside “baggage” that prevents the couple from moving on.
• Couples can decide to rebuild their marriage and make a renewed commitment, or clarify the reasons why they need to separate or end the marriage.

Further, for marriage counseling to be effective, you both need to be willing to take responsibility for your part in the problems, to accept each other’s faults, and be motivated to repair your relationship. It’s important for you to have realistic expectations because it takes more than a few sessions to shed light on the dynamics and to begin the process of change.
All of this hard work will, in the end, reduce stress in a marriage, and lead to a happier and healthier relationship. And by putting in the work early, before stresses fracture a marriage, couples will develop the tools to approach any number of obstacles that will arise. There’s comfort in knowing these problems are common, and that you’re not alone. And it’s clear there’s comfort too in the participatory process of couples counseling, where working together will make for a fulfilling and long-lasting marriage.