In step

[RiverOL]

Too Busy? Hmmm . . .​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Look carefully then how you walk . . . making the best use of the time, because the days are evil—Ephesians 5:15-16​

When sacred opportunities come—opportunities to listen, to care, to encourage, to serve, to give, to tell others about our faith—we men often use a tactic called “too busy, right now.” We say the words out loud, sometimes. More often, we say them to ourselves and just keep moving. We then rationalize the dodge by using a second tactic, one called “make up for it later.” That is, we imagine ourselves jumping into other, similar opportunities, eventually—when things slow down a bit maybe. God knows we’re busy. He sees how busy we are, right now. And he calls us still. You see, these sacred opportunities don’t come by chance. He places them carefully in front of us. He knows we’re busy . . . and he knows what he’s doing. He knew what he was doing when he called Simon and Andrew, when the brothers were busy fishing (Mark 1:16-18). He knew what he was doing when he called James and John, when those brothers were busy mending nets (Mark 1:19-20). He knew what he was doing when he called Levi, when Levi was busy collecting taxes (Mark 2:14). He knows what he’s doing when he calls us too, even when we’re busy. He doesn’t wait because he knows our time is scarce. He knows that we have none to waste. “We must work the works of him who sent me while it is day; night is coming, when no one can work” (John 9:4).

Okay, so what do we do?​ What was your last sacred opportunity, brother? What did you do? Is the opportunity still open? If not, take a moment to decide what you’ll do the next time a sacred opportunity comes. Commit to stepping into it and making the most of the precious time you’ve been given.

 

[RiverOL]

7 Things You Need to Quit For a Happier Marriage​

AUGUST 28, 2019 BY GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

7 Things You Need to Quit For a Happier Marriage​

Everyone says they want a happier, healthier, more loving relationship with their spouse, and who could blame them? That idea of happily ever after sounds pretty good, right? Here’s the thing however – too often it’s not always our partner that creates the rifts that allow us to drift apart. Many times? We’re the ones getting in the way. Here are seven things to quit right now if you want to create and sustain a healthy, happy marriage.

Quit Thinking Love is Enough​

Love is powerful, but not usually enough to carry you through the long haul. Through the rough spots. Through the big decisions. And the inevitable mistakes. Most happy couples who stay together have a big common denominator. They truly like one another. They are friends who see each other realistically and still say, “Yep – that’s the one for me.” Liking someone for all the right reasons is a far better relationship foundation than loving someone for the wrong reasons. Is this a person you’d choose as your friend even if you weren’t married? Look for what you like in your partner, not just what you love.

Quit Expecting Them to Make You Happy​

Happiness is an inside job. We can’t do it for someone else, nor can they do it for us. We can share happy experiences, but real happiness comes from within. It’s our own journey. And frankly? Our own responsibility. Expecting someone else to make you happy is an impossible task to ask someone to take on, and it’s a very heavy load to bear. And that? Is not fair. In fact, it can hurt a relationship to the core. The best marriage is between two people who know how to find their own joy and choose to share their lives with another person who does the same.

Quit Arguing Unfairly​

Manipulation. Yelling. Hitting below the belt. And the king of unfair techniques, the silent treatment. How can any relationship survive all that? That kind of drama is what you see in high school. It doesn’t belong there and it certainly has zero place in the real world of adult relationships. Do want a long marriage that is based in mutual respect, love, and responsibility? Don’t play games. Stop attacking one another and start being accountable for your own part. Quit interrupting and start listening. Quit letting your need to be right interfere with what’s real. Then work towards solutions together that you can both live with.

Quit Thinking Your Partner Can be Everything to You​

What a huge responsibility that would be. And a heck of a lot of unnecessary pressure on your relationship. You need other friends. Interests. Activities. No one person can solve your all your problems. Laugh at all your jokes. Understand all your issues. Enjoy all your hobbies. A relationship shouldn’t be the only thing in your life (except for the first few months when the rest of the works doesn’t exist). Branch out. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin and with your own company. Then you can both bring those experiences, feelings, and excitement back home to share.

Quit Expecting Them to Read Your Mind​

Want or need something? Ask. Speak your mind. Share (without blame). Just because your partner knows you doesn’t mean they are mind readers. Nor should they be. You are adults in an adult relationship. Part of being an adult is taking responsibility to use your voice when you need to be heard. To have real discussions about needs, wants and expectations. About fears and frustrations. About joy and celebrations. Being open and honest is the only real way you can get to truly know each other on a deeper level and learn how to respond better to each other throughout your lives.

Quit Making Assumptions​

Stop placing intent on your partner’s actions. Forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning may not mean they don’t love you anymore. Going to sleep while you are talking may not mean they aren’t interested in you sexually ever again. Taking time to wind down after a tough day may not mean they are shutting you out. Placing intent on their actions is asking for trouble. Sometimes a lot of trouble. It’s unfair, unrealistic, and usually ends badly. Rarely will you be right. Instead, talk things out. Ask for clarification. Put yourself in their shoes. Because the truth? Is it’s usually not at all what you assumed it to be.

Quit Keeping Score​

This is a serious relationship killer. Here’s how it goes: Our partner says or does something we don’t like. But we don’t tell them what’s wrong, or discuss the problem. Instead we choose to ignore it. Or do we? Ignoring means never thinking about it again. That’s not what happens. Instead we’re keeping a tally in our heads of all the infractions. Grow up! If you don’t like something deal with it. If it’s not important enough to deal with – then forget it forever. Keeping score creates tension. And the kind of unhealthy competitive spirit that will tear a relationship apart.

 

[RiverOL]

Messin’ With Your Heroes​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Therefore be imitators of God—Ephesians 5:1​

Really? Is it so wrong for us to emulate the life of another man or woman? Is it so wrong to hold another person up, as a role model? Well, the answer is (as it often is) . . . it depends. It depends on what exactly, in the person, we long to emulate. If it’s Christlikeness only—if it’s only how the person demonstrates Jesus Christ to us and to others—then, no, it’s not so wrong. We’re meant to be, for one another, physical examples of how to follow Jesus ever more closely. Watching another person move further into the character of Christ helps us move further, too. That’s how it’s supposed to work. The Apostle Paul wrote: “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1). Too often, though, that’s not the way it actually works. Too often, we look up to men and women—and strive to emulate them—for the purpose of becoming more like them, and not more like Jesus. Too often, it’s worldly things that draw us in: a person’s success, their achievements, their talent, their career, their money, their power, their possessions. We men fall into this a lot. And the problem is the same whether the things coveted are secular or ecclesiastical in nature. We can lift any person too high: magnate or minister, entrepreneur or entertainer, priest or professor. We can lift them so high they begin to obscure Jesus.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Hero worship is a sensitive subject. We men like our heroes. And we don’t like people to mess with them. We must be careful, though, that no person (great though they may be) gets between us and the ultimate hero. Examine your heart. Wrestle with the issue. Discuss it openly with some brothers—and with God, in prayer.

 

[RiverOL]

How To Reclaim Control Of Your Life​

Every day we wake up and log in to a game. The game is called control. We spend our entire day trying to gain control. We want to control the way people think about us and the way things turn out, our work and relationships, our emotions and our outcomes.



The scramble for control is a system one behavior. It has been programmed within us. We don’t even realize we are doing it. And when we do, we’re not sure what could be done to log out of the system and try something different.
And so, day after day, we try to beat one level and then the next. We fail and have to return to levels we thought we had beaten. It’s a never-ending game that zaps our energy and our potential.

Why We Want Control​

The reason we want control is simple. We want to avoid pain. We want to sidestep suffering and find the peace and happiness that every human longs for.
We’ve bought into a specific narrative. And that narrative tells us that if we can dominate our circumstances and our relationships, we can predict the outcomes. We won’t be disappointed or hurt.
Unfortunately, life does not work that way. Perseverance is an inevitable part of human development. Our attempts to short-cut suffering are both destined to fail and spoil our development.

How To Win​

The secret is this: the game is not all wrong. It can’t just be dismissed. It is a game we are meant to play. When we are made aware of the shortcomings of the scramble for control, we often swing too far in the other direction – throwing our hands up and refusing to play altogether.
The game of control does not need to be avoided, it needs to be won. But we don’t win it by conquering the world. We win it by discovering truth.
The truth is that there are things we can control, but our control has limits. We are not meant to be dictators, but we are meant to take responsibility. There are only three things we can control: 1) whom we trust; 2) our attitude/perspective; and 3) our choices.
To win the game of control, we steward these responsibilities with grace and truth. We take ownership of these three things and do the most good with the opportunities presented therein.

When To Log Out​

It is so tempting to spill our efforts at control into other arenas. But there are only three things and, try as we might, our attempts to invade will fall short. We cannot control other people’s reactions or feelings (In a sense, we can’t even control our own emotions– just use them properly). We can’t control what others do or say or think, and we can’t control systems like governments or churches. However, we can influence all of these things.
Influence is a natural consequence of stewarding our responsibility well.
To life a fulfilling life, we must avoid the temptation to overstep our bounds. We must transform our generalized scramble for control to a intentional and localized effort. Only then can we unlock the doors to peace, joy, and purpose – the paths we so desperately long for.

 

[RiverOL]

The Dangers of Money to Marriages​

One of the statistics that has always amazed me is that half of all couples filing for divorce list financial problems as the leading cause of their marriage trouble.
From my own experience as a pastor and marriage counselor, I’ve seen marriage after marriage fail because financial pressures and difficulties turned into more than a husband and wife could handle.


Money has a powerful influence on your marriage, and that’s why it’s important for both husbands and wives to treat it carefully. This is especially true for husbands.
Why? Because even today, in most marriages, the husband is the primary bread-winner. This is why one of the most important areas of security a wife desires from her husband is in the realm of finances.
Even when a woman works outside the home—in addition to her husband—I’ve found that wives desire the assurance that they will be provided for financially.
What does this mean for a husband? It means he needs to communicate that he understands his wife’s need for financial security. There are four ways he can do this:

1. By praying for God’s blessing and direction. A woman wants to know her husband is praying and seeking God for financial direction and provision. Should financial struggles ever arrive, a wife will be tremendously comforted when her husbands leads her in prayer about this. The old saying is true: “The family who prays together stays together.”
2. By being a hard and faithful worker. A wife needs to know her husband is honest, faithful and hard-working. When a man is dishonest, lazy, or changes jobs too often, he violates his wife and makes her insecure. Even if it means foregoing some income or benefits, a husband needs to be careful not to sacrifice his wife’s security. This is very important.
3. 
   
   
4. On the other hand, a husband also needs to seek the best employment possible. Yes, it’s important for every family to understand that God is our ultimate provider. But that’s not a license for a man to take a lackadaisical approach to his career. A good husband is one who seeks opportunities and is ready—with prayer and good communication with his spouse—to walk through the doors God opens for him.
5. By being a wise money manager. A husband can have the best job in the world and a high salary, but if he can’t handle his finances none of that matters. A wife feels secure when her husband is a diligent steward of God’s money. This isn’t a license to be stingy or unreasonably tight-fisted. Instead, it’s an opportunity for wise money management. I’m of the opinion that a husband should take responsibility for managing the money and paying the bills—but he must do so humbly and carefully.

Handling money in your marriage will always be challenging. But take these suggestions seriously and you’ll make great strides in overcoming the dangers of finances in marriage.

 

[RiverOL]

The 2m Radius Challenge​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Now, therefore, thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways—Haggai 1:5​

God loves us with fierceness and tenderness. The scope of his love is shocking. It’s infinite, in fact—because he is. It burns bright and hot and true. We couldn’t ever plot it on a graph, of course—because no one could draw a y-axis that high or an x-axis that long; no page, no screen could ever contain it. But if we could plot his love, the line would be high and perfectly flat. It wouldn’t fluctuate over time. Not in response to our actions, our best or even our worst. Not even a little (Psalm 103:8; Lamentations 3:22-23). But He does tell us what kind of actions he most prefers, the kind that bring joy—to us and to him. And it’s less about hours logged in pews on Sundays or how many times we read through the Gospels. What regulates his joy—and ours—is how we treat people around us. It’s if we’re kind, and how well we notice and meet the needs of people in our close proximity. “Be easy on people; you’ll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity” (Luke 6:37-38 MSG).

Okay, so what do we do?​ Throughout your day, today, imagine a circle—one with a 2-meter radius, you at the center. Notice who comes into that circle. Learn their names. Treat them with care and notice their needs—friendship, mercy, love, hope—and consider how you might help meet those needs. (There’s nothing special about 2m. What matters is increasing intentionality. And, truly, a man could spend his entire lifetime just trying to meet the needs of people who’d come into his 2m circle—so, it’s a good place to start.)

 

[RiverOL]

3 ways to improve your marriage this weekend​

A lot of our weekends start out with a trip to a home improvement store to purchase something that will make the house or yard a little better. The store is always crowded, so it seems like a lot of people have the same idea…“The weekend is a good time to do some home improvement.” But, what would happen if we used our weekend to not just improve the house, but the relationships that make a place “home.” Here are a few quick ways to improve your marriage this weekend (without having to fight the crowds at Home Depot):



(In no particular order):
1. Have a day of “digital detox”
I’m kind of addicted to my iPhone and laptop, so there have been too many times I’ve been staring at a screen when I should have been having uninterrupted conversations with my amazing wife Ashley and our kids. A habit I’m trying to consistently implement is reserving Saturdays as a “Social Media Sabbath” where I stay offline so I can be fully engaged with my family. I cheat sometimes and peek at my phone, but the more I can keep the electronics off, the more restful and meaningful my time with family always seems to be. Give this a try. This Saturday or Sunday log off and shut down the devices. It might do wonders for your marriage and for your peace of mind.

2. Visit someplace you’ve never been together.


If you’re like me, you get stuck in a comfortable routine of going the same places all the time. There’s nothing wrong with having regular hangout spots, but when you create new, shared experiences with your spouse, it does something special to draw closer together as you share new memories. You don’t have to do anything expensive or elaborate, but make it your mission to go one place this weekend that you’ve never been before. It could be a restaurant you’ve been wanting to try or a trail you have been wanting to hike or a random spot on the map you’ve never visited together. Be adventurous! Break out of the normal routine at least once this weekend.

3. Go to church together.
Maybe you never go to church, so this one could actually count as #2 (visit someplace new) for you. For Ashley and me, the teaching and encouragement we receive each week at church has been a lifeline for our marriage through the years. I’d encourage you to give it a try (or get back into the habit) this Sunday. It might just change your life.

 

[RiverOL]

Irresponsible Worry​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?—Matthew 6:27​

Something’s coming. Doesn’t it always feel like that? Maybe it’s something financial . . . maybe work-related . . . maybe health-related . . . definitely bad. And so, we worry. I mean, it almost feels like that’s just a part of being a man, worrying about what’s coming. We worry about all the bad things that could happen, to us and to our loved ones. We scheme about how to get out in front of all those things. Then we worry some more about whether we’re actually men enough to execute our schemes. All this worrying hangs over our lives. It haunts our thoughts and steals important moments—moments that should be joy-filled. But, it would be irresponsible not to worry, wouldn’t it? We’ve been trained to worry, all our lives. We’ve been trained that men with responsibilities are supposed to worry. It’s part of manhood. Or is it? Our King, Jesus Christ, teaches us that it’s actually not. You see, he didn’t come so that we’d live lives haunted by fear. He came and died to set us free from such things (Galatians 5:1). He assures us, our Father God will take care of us, whether we worry or not (Matthew 6:26). We must, therefore, adopt a radical, new mindset: “We don’t know what’s coming . . . but our Father God does. So, we’ll leave it to him.”

Okay, so what do we do?​ Letting go of worry is tough. You must approach it not only intellectually, but practically too. You cannot simply command yourself, “worry less.” That, by itself, doesn’t work so well. You must get practical by actually talking about worries with a spouse, a friend, with brothers in community. That does work (2 Corinthians 12:9). Getting your worries out into the open is as powerful as it is counterintuitive. So, brother, defy your instincts.

 

[RiverOL]

The Next Chapter​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come—2 Corinthians 5:17​

We write with God all the time. Working alongside him, we write the stories of our lives. He creates the settings and the characters. He creates the conflicts—the situations requiring choices. And we get to make those choices as the characters in his stories. God may encourage us, invite us, surprise us, persuade us, challenge us, convict us—but we and we alone decide, for ourselves. As we move along in our stories, as we live them out, we sometimes try to convince ourselves that some decisions aren’t actually written down or that we can selectively somehow strike decisions from our stories, after we’ve made them. Looking forward, we tell ourselves, “no one will know.” Looking back, we think, “no one can ever know.” The truth is, every decision is captured: large, small, good, bad. Every decision is written into our stories, immediately, indelibly. Thankfully, the plot God intends for us involves making some mistakes, some bad decisions, but learning from them and allowing him to redeem them. He can, you know, redeem even the worst decisions (Romans 8:28). What we must do, going forward, is to keep our stories in mind, when we come upon decision points. What we must do is ask ourselves, at those points, “What decisions do we want written, permanently, into our stories?” Asking ourselves that, in those moments, is how we begin to lay aside our old selves and put on our new selves (Ephesians 4:22-24).

Okay, so what do we do?​ When you come to a next decision point—today, tomorrow—ask yourself, before you decide, “What do I want written into my story?” Ask yourself, “What do I want the next chapter of my story to be about? Trust or mistrust? Selflessness or selfishness? Love or resentment? Maturity or immaturity? Redemption or sin?”

 

[RiverOL]

3 Common EXCUSES that Keep us Stuck with a Mediocre Marriage​

Sometimes, we have a good excuse as to why our marriage isn’t in a good place at the moment. But, the truth is, excuses–even good ones–won’t get us anywhere.



I do it, and you do too.
We can come up with an excuse for everything.
I can’t lose weight because I’m too busy.
I couldn’t finish the work because I was tired.
I yelled at my kids because they wouldn’t listen to me.

Honestly, I’ve said ALL of these before, and I’m not proud of it. I can find an excuse, or a justification for why things aren’t where they should be, at the drop of a hat. As human beings, we don’t want to take responsibility for our own actions, because that means we will have to take a long, hard look at ourselves in the mirror and deal with the truth. Sometimes, we’re are reluctant to face the truth because it stings. And, after accepting the truth, we also realize that we need to change some things in our life. That’s even more difficult.

So, instead, we just make excuses and settle for mediocrity at best.
This happens all too often in our marriages. You might feel like you’re stuck right now. Friends, it doesn’t have to be this way. We don’t have to settle for a mediocre marriage. The first step is recognizing what excuses we’re currently making. There are probably hundreds of excuses we use, but here are 3 common excuses that keep us stuck with a mediocre marriage.


1. I can’t help how I feel, and I’m just not feeling it anymore.
Just the other day, I was watching a morning news program, and they were talking about why some marriages end. One of the commentators said, “Well, the heart wants what the hearts wants.”
This is true…I guess. But, I seriously wanted to turn off the TV when I heard this, because this one excuse has caused so many of us to make terrible decisions when it comes to our relationships. Our hearts are fickle. They can be good and gracious, but they can also be deceitful and hateful. Our desires can change on a daily basis, so we can’t trust our hearts. The Bible has a lot to say about this too.

From their callous hearts comes iniquity;
their evil imaginations have no limits.
Psalm 73:7

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
Proverbs 3:5

Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.
Proverbs 4:23

A person may think their own ways are right,



but the Lord weighs the heart.
Proverbs 21:2

There will be times when we won’t find our spouse to be very desirable. Other times, our heart will flutter when he/she walks in the room. Some days, we will love the sound of his/her voice. Other days, that sound will hit us like fingernails on a chalkboard. This doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. And, it’s definitely not an excuse to get romantically involved with someone we find attractive at work. In fact, there’s never a reason or justification for an affair. Those moments when we’re frustrated with our marriage and tired of the way things are is the very time that we need to guard our hearts the most.
It’s true; the heart wants what the heart wants. But, we aren’t helpless. We can train our hearts to want the right things when we turn our hearts to God. At times, this will be hard, but it will save our marriage and keep our hearts in the right place.



2. We have grown apart.
When we looked into our spouse’s eyes on our wedding day and said our vows, we were so excited about our future together. Then, life happened…jobs, kids, obligations, finances, in-laws, illness, and expectations. If we’re not intentional about keeping our marriage strong every day, then everything else will take over. And, we WILL grow apart.
But, even if we do…even if we feel like there are hundreds of miles between us…we can turn back and start moving towards each other to begin the healing process in our marriage. In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he talks about how God binds fellow believers together the more we pursue Him.
Ephesians 4:15-17
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
We can apply this to our marriage as well. Let’s not focus on past mistakes. Let’s forgive and move forward. Let’s pray and believe that God can bring us back together.


Don’t give up on marriage. Grow TOGETHER by spending time together daily, talking regularly, going to counseling, and praying for one another. Read “3 Things I Wish I Could’ve Told Myself on my Wedding Day” for more details on this.

3. All we do is fight.
My husband, Dave, and I hear this a lot when we meet with couples who are going through a hard time in their marriage.
I get it. Emotions can get so high that every single conversation ends in a fight. We feel like our spouse isn’t listening. We don’t feel respected. We feel attacked. And, everything in us tells us to walk away because we are tired of fighting.

 

[RiverOL]

Man, What's the Point?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked—Psalm 73:3​

Do you ever look around, at people who are prosperous and follow God either not much or not at all? Do you ever find yourself envying such people, who embrace the world wholeheartedly and enjoy it’s successes? Do you ever get discouraged? Do you ever wonder, what’s the point? I mean, do you ever just get tired of trying to follow God in the midst of people who aren’t? Are you ever tempted to relent and embrace the world a bit more, too? A man named Asaph, psalmist in the time of David and Solomon, was tempted to relent. He was surrounded by faithless men who seemed “always at ease” and to continually “increase in riches” (Psalm 73:12). Asaph envied them and his “heart was embittered” (Psalm 73:21). “All in vain,” he cried, “have I kept my heart clean . . .” (Psalm 73:13). We may not admit it as boldly as Asaph, but many of us harbor similar thoughts. When we face that choice, though, to embrace God or embrace the world, we must remember—we’re part of something much larger, much more important than houses or vacations or titles. We’ve been invited into an ancient and remarkable battle. For “we are from God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one” (1 John 5:19). We’re agents of the resistance, behind enemy lines. We cannot allow ourselves, therefore, to be beguiled by our enemy or the world under his power.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Are you ever, like Asaph, nagged by this kind of envy? If so, talk about it. Simply talking about it—with God, a spouse, a friend, with brothers in community—undermines its power. It also allows others to keep you “fueled and aflame” for the battle ahead (Romans 12:11 MSG).

 

[RiverOL]

5 Ways to Restore Trust After an Emotional Affair​

Recently, many experts have written about the hazards of an emotional affair and how it can erode trust in a marriage. It is a form of betrayal that can capsize a couple’s sense of safety and security in no time. The media tends to portray betrayals as physical affairs; whereas an emotional affair can have the same detrimental impact on a romantic relationship.



If you are questioning whether you are enmeshed in an emotional affair, it’s important to define what they are. First and foremost, an emotional affair is characterized by an intimate connection with someone who isn’t your partner but the person takes on many of the functions of your partner. For instance, you spend a lot of time with him or her, you find yourself confiding in him/her, and you look to them for solace and support.

It’s key to acknowledge that in order for a relationship to qualify as an emotional affair, it usually involves a deep connection that is more than a friendship. Most emotional affairs involve secrecy from your partner. For instance, you find yourself not being completely honest about how much time you spend with this person, and the closeness of your bond, you are probably entangled in an emotional affair.

Many people embroiled in emotional affairs attest to the obsessive quality about them. For instance, they might find themselves having frequent sexual fantasies about them or waking up in the morning thinking about the person. Another red flag of an emotional affair is frequent text messaging or sharing private details about your intimate life with your partner.


The good news is that in contrast to infidelity that involves sexual betrayal, emotional affairs are usually less complicated and they can be ended more easily without severe breeches of trust in your partner. Following the guidelines below will help you rebuild love after an emotional affair.
5 tips for rebuilding love with your partner after an emotional affair:

1. The betrayer must end their emotional affair. Stop spending time with the person who you’re having an emotional affair with. This may be a challenge if you work together or travel in the same circles put it’s a crucial step. In order to rebuild love with your partner you need to focus on restoring love, trust, and intimacy with them. This is impossible when you have one foot out the door.
2. You must tell the person who you’re having an emotional affair with that it must end. If you need do so in person that’s okay as long as you keep it short, don’t offer excuses, and don’t reassure them or give false hope about the possibility of you resuming your connection.
3. Be transparent with your partner about this relationship and your intention to stop seeing the person who you’re having an emotional affair with. Now is not the time to be coy – it’s best to be completely vulnerable and tell the whole truth, including any reasons why you pursued the emotional affair such as loneliness or unmet emotional needs.
4. Look to your partner to satisfy some of the emotional needs that you were seeking to fulfill in the emotional affair. Take an inventory of all of the things you like about him or her so that you can work on filling these needs elsewhere – either with a close friend or your significant other. These qualities might include good listener, fun loving, or understanding.
5. Recommit to your marriage and be patient with the process: This means that marriage requires a lot of effort and an intention to pay attention to your partners needs. John Gottman recommends that couples practice “turning towards” one another rather than away when they’re having communication difficulties. Spending 30 minutes a day in stress-reducing conversations can help you do this.

Keep in mind that your relationship with your partner needs to be a priority or you might find yourself slipping back into the same trap of seeking comfort and intimacy with another person. Carve out time to spend with your partner on a daily or weekly basis. Try a variety of activities that can bring you both pleasure. At some point, your actual partner may seem dull or compare unfavorably to the other man or women and you run the risk of seeing your partner in a negative light, or becoming easily frustrated with them if you don’t try to keep things interesting. Don’t forget to cuddle on the couch and surprise your partner with a kiss.

 

[RiverOL]

3 Reasons a Husband Should Love his WIFE More Than He Loves his MOTHER​

Lately, I’ve talked with several wives who feel like they’ve hit a wall in their marriages. These women will tell you that they have a happy, thriving marriage in almost every way except for one HUGE elephant in the room–the relationship their husband has with his mother.

These women feel pushed aside whenever their mother-in-law (MIL) is around, because their husband places his mother’s needs, desires, and opinions ahead of his wive’s. Their mother-in-laws criticize how they keep the house, dress, discipline the kids, and tend to their husband’s needs. These wives want to have a good relationship with their MIL, but they don’t feel accepted by her. Instead of a healthy, supportive relationship, they have a negative, conflicting relationship where both women feel threatened by the other.


When I asked each of these wives to explain their situations to me, I noticed several feelings they had in common: they feel disrespected, patronized, and overshadowed by their MILs. But, more than anything, they are frustrated with their husbands for not standing up for them and allowing this behavior to continue.
Unhealthy parent-child relationships can certainly happen on BOTH sides of the wedding aisle, but I want to specifically address the mother-son relationship in this post.
As a married couple, we should do whatever we can to show love and respect to and maintain peace with our extended families, but it must never be at the expense of our marriage. Our parents must understand that it is not their place to govern us or our marriage. We need their support and encouragement, and welcome their wisdom when we ask for it. But, they need to respect us, our spouse, our marriage, and our privacy.

But, what are we supposed to do when they don’t? Do we just allow them to continue undermining our spouse and marriage? Certainly, not.

Wives, maybe you can relate to the women I mentioned in the beginning. Do you feel like you are constantly at odds with your MIL? Does your husband make excuses for his mother’s negative behavior towards you? Do you and your husband often argue about his mother and the way she treats you?


Most importantly, have you done all YOU can do to be at peace with her to no avail? Have you consistently welcomed her into your home and spoken to her kindly, but your MIL won’t receive it or reciprocate it?
Husbands, you might be having these same conversations with your wife right now, and you’re probably thinking,
“My Mom is a grown woman who makes her own decisions. I can’t help how she feels about my wife or how she chooses to treat her.”.

Guys, this is a HUGE issue that must be addressed right away. You must love your wife enough to stand up for your marriage…even to your own mother. You cannot make excuses for your mother or allow her to mistreat your wife.

Any time your mother speaks negatively about your wife or expresses her disdain for your marriage and family is ONE TIME TOO MANY. No, you cannot control what she says or does, but you have the power to tell her to stop. Or, you and your wife can leave if she continues.
Your mom needs to hear YOU tell her that her controlling, passive-aggressive, and polarizing demeanor towards your wife and marriage must stop. Tell her that she must speak kindly of your wife in your presence or the conversation will end. It’s important that you say all this in the most respectful way possible, but it must be addressed directly.



Reader, I know these conversations are uncomfortable. Emotions are high because we are addressing issues with family…people we LOVE and respect. That is precisely why these conversations need to happen before matters get worse.
I have seen unhealthy extended family dynamics play a huge role in couples deciding to separate or divorce. There’s so much at stake! Husbands, here’s 3 reasons you should love your wife more than you love your mother:

1. Your wife should not feel like she has to compete with your mother for your love, respect, and adoration.
You can have a great marriage AND a great relationship with your mom, but your marriage has to come first. Besides, the kind of love your feel for your wife is a different kind of love than you feel for your mother. You can love them both, but you must tend to your wife’s’ needs before you tend to your mother’s needs. No exceptions.
2. When we marry, our relationship with our parents has to change.


When we marry, our first allegiance belongs to God, then our spouse, then our children (if we have them), and then our parents. This isn’t something I came up with. It’s how God designed marriage. Genesis 2:24 says,
“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

3. Unity is a must in marriage.
Two cannot become one unless we are unified. This means a husband and wife are on the same page and moving in the same direction…physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This can’t happen when a husband feels like loving his wife will somehow keep him from loving and respecting his mother. Loving your mother and loving your wife are two completely different experiences.
Husbands, your mother is part of you. She raised you and was the first woman to love you and will love you forever, but SHE IS NOT YOUR WIFE. She may have a hard time letting go, but she must relinquish control for the sake of your marriage. And, YOU have to gently, but directly, tell her this vital truth.



Your mom will always be your mother, and you will always be her son. Nothing can change that. But, your wife deserves your full devotion. You vowed to love her, protect her, serve her, and even give your very life for her. That’s a different kind of love–a love that can only be experienced when we offer our full heart to our spouse.

 

[RiverOL]

You’re Magnetic​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?—Mark 2:16​

God loves us—just as we are, right now. Wow. That’s kind of difficult to accept, isn’t it? I mean, it’s hard to feel worthy of that love, with all our mistakes, our imperfections. Don’t we need to be perfect and holy too, just as he is, before he can love us? No, brother, he loves us—just as we are, right now. If we’re ever going to understand God, if we’re ever going to understand ourselves, in relation to God, we’re going to have to bend our minds toward that truth. He is perfect and holy; we are not. True. What’s not true is that, because of his perfection, he’s drawn only to more perfection. What’s not true is that, because of his holiness, he demands our holiness before he’ll love us, accept us, want anything to do with us. God knows our mistakes, every imperfection. Nothing is hidden from him (Hebrews 4:13). And, actually, precisely because he knows, he executed the ultimate act of love: he sent his son, Jesus Christ, to be our King and to save us from our mistakes and imperfections (Romans 5:8). So, the truth is—like a doctor to the sick—he’s actually drawn to imperfection and sin (Mark 2:17). Our relationships with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, begin to work when we accept and welcome that love.

Okay, so what do we do? ​ Throughout this week, take these words as God’s promise, just to you. Meditate upon them. Let them sink in deep. “. . . neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate [me] from the love of God in Christ Jesus . . .” (Romans 8:38-39).

 

[RiverOL]

The 4 Friends that are BAD for your Marriage​

Friends play an extremely important role in our lives, and this remains true after we’re married as well. We need to cultivate good, true, loyal, and honest friendships that not only bring out the best in us but also bring out the very best in our marriage.



On the other hand, we need to stay away from toxic friendships that have the potential to harm our marriage.
We often become like the people we hang out with the most.
We’re certainly going to have friends from various walks of life–and this is a good thing–but we can’t allow ANY of them to harm our marriage. Check out “The 5 Friends that Every Woman Needs” for more on this.

So, how can we recognize a “good” friend from a “bad” one? We have to understand the kind of friendship behaviors that negatively impact our marriage.

Here are the 4 friends that are bad for your marriage:

1. The friend who talks badly about HIS/HER spouse
When I was growing up, my mom would sometimes point out that I sounded like some of my friends. She’d say things like, “You are never his whiny. You’ve been around ______ too much.”. I thought she was just nagging me at first, but then I would catch myself in the act. It’s crazy how we will often take on similar behaviors to the company we keep.


If our friend consistently cuts down her husband, then over time we will naturally start to see our own spouse in an unfavorable light. In an effort to validate her or make her feel better, we end up hurting our marriage with the negative words we say and the thoughts we allow to take root in our mind.
When it comes to our marriage, we must surround ourselves with people who WANT to have a good marriage. During more vulnerable times, we might find ourselves complaining about our spouse to one of our friends. It’s bound to happen a time or two. But, this CANNOT become the norm. It’s toxic to our friendship AND our marriage.

2. The friend who talks badly about YOUR spouse
This may seem like a no-brainer, but I’ve talked to too many couples who have so-called “best friends” who constantly bash their spouses. This simply CAN’T happen.



The most common excuse I hear when this issue is addressed is, “He/She knew me before I married my husband, and he/she is overprotective of me.”. That may be true, but it doesn’t make bashing your spouse okay. When we allow our friends to say whatever nasty thing they want to say about our spouse, we’re placing our friendship ahead of our marriage. This is not only unhealthy, but it is wrong. After God, our spouse deserves our allegiance and loyalty. Our friends must come after our family.

We need to let our friends know that it’s NOT OKAY to call our spouse names or complain about what he/she does or does not do for us. It perpetuates a negative cycle in our minds and hearts and creates an unhealthy co-dependent friendship that will harm our marriage.

3. The friend who is always trying to put you against your family
A true friend will encourage us to be close to our spouse and children–not the other way around. Any friend that demands more of your time and says things like, “She has you whipped”, or “He takes too much of your time”, or “She’s too controlling of you time”, or “You should be able to do whatever you want to do without calling home”, is not a good influence on us and is certainly not considering our devotion to our family.


Our friends should never expect us to choose them over our family or try to stir up a fight because they’re wanting more of our time. The bottom line is that we definitely need to spend time with our friends, but that time can never be at the expense of our own family. If we are spending too many nights out with our girlfriends, our marriage will suffer. Too many nights out with the boys will lead to a lonely marriage. It’s all about balance, but our marriage must always come first.

4. The friend who hates marriage in general
Like I said earlier, we SHOULD have friends from varying backgrounds and life experiences. This is a beautiful thing. But, this means that all of us will most certainly have different opinions about various things. We shouldn’t end a friendship simply because we don’t agree with everything he/she says, but we can’t be close friends with someone who won’t respect our beliefs or tries to belittle our values.


We might have some friends who are divorced and currently have a very negative attitude towards marriage in general. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t support them during this heartbreaking time. We absolutely should. We just need to make sure that our conversations aren’t anti-marriage.
I had a friend who started hanging out with two divorced women who would always tell her that being single was so much better than being married. They would go out to restaurants and clubs at least one night a week together.

My friend was the only married woman in the group. Eventually, she started arguing with her husband over little things and telling him that he wasn’t a good husband. After some time, she threatened divorce, and eventually she moved out of their home and into an apartment with those single women. Her husband was shocked at how fast all of this happened. The sad thing about this situation is that the couple divorced three years ago, and my friend is just now realizing where she went wrong in both her friendships and her marriage. She so desperately wants to get back together with her husband, but he is now with someone else.

Friends, I don’t want this to happen to any of us. God wants all of us to have strong marriages and beautiful friendships. Relationships make life so rich when they are healthy and in balance. Let’s be sure to seek out and maintain loyal friendships that are mutually encouraging and uplifting and bring out the best in our marriages and families.

 

[RiverOL]

You’re Designed for Extremes​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot—Revelation 3:15​

There are three approaches to life with God: All In; All Out; and, in the middle, between those, a third approach. This third approach is actually a range—it encompasses every approach between the two extremes. Many of us take the third approach. I mean, we do believe life is better with God—but, our belief is more theoretical than not. We get busy with careers, families, finances, and rarely think about actually applying the life and truth of our King, Jesus Christ, to our own, complicated lives. And so, they become indistinguishable from the lives of men All Out. Jesus calls takers of the third approach “lukewarm,” and is particularly frustrated by us: “because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth” (Revelation 3:16). We third-approachers mistakenly presume we’re doing okay faith-wise—not as well as we could maybe, but okay nonetheless. Therefore, Jesus’ words are startling and challenging—and force us to consider All In. So, what does All In require? The world tells us, too much. But, that’s wrong. It doesn’t require more than we can give. Brother, we’re designed for All In. Jesus isn’t some out-of-touch “high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses” (Hebrews 4:15). He understands our lives. He knows what he’s asking. All In doesn’t require we be perfect; we couldn’t. It requires a soft heart―a willingness to try, genuinely, to use Jesus’ life as a pattern for our own.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Pray the All In prayer: Set aside a couple minutes today. Quiet your surroundings. Shut the door. Turn off music. Quiet your mind. Ask the Holy Spirit to soften your heart. Now, speak directly to Jesus, your King, and say three plain, simple words, “I’m All In.” That’s it.

 

[RiverOL]

A Pernicious Loop​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything—Acts 17:25​

There are few more powerful (and potentially harmful) forces at work in the lives of men than the When/Then lie. It goes like this: when we get that job, that promotion, that house, that “number” in the bank account . . . then everything will be great. Things will settle down then. We’ll have peace and joy and security then. The lie wouldn't be so bad, but for the behavior we rationalize and excuse with it, hoping it is true: neglecting people we’re meant to love; disregarding people we’re meant to serve; ignoring people we’re meant to rescue; treating badly and taking advantage of people we are meant to encourage and support. Our enemy, the “father of lies” (John 8:44), created a clever one with the When/Then lie—it’s an infinite loop. You see, whatever “something” follows When is never as good as we think it’ll be. And so, any given “something,” when it’s achieved, is quickly replaced by a bigger, better one. There’s freedom available to us, though—freedom to enjoy the abundant blessings we’ve already been given; freedom to access true peace and true joy and true security, right now—if we’re willing to reject the lie and, instead, embrace the promises of our King, Jesus Christ. He’s promised that our Father God will provide everything we need in any given moment (Matthew 6:25-34). His provision just might not look how we think or hope it will (Isaiah 55:8).

Okay, so what do we do?​ Write down the When/Then lies you’ve believed. Be specific with both the Whens and the Thens. Now, with brothers in community or directly to God, pray against any power they’ve held over your life. Then, pray in the opposite: declare your gratitude for how God’s provided for you already—and for how he always will.

 

[RiverOL]

Don’t Turn a Blind Eye to Sibling Rivalry​

Many years ago, when my wife and I were new parents, we went to visit a couple that had two sons that were a bit older than ours. After a brief introduction to their boys, they took them to their play area in an adjacent room, so that we could talk without being interrupted. Well, it was not long after they closed the playroom door that these boys started going after each other. It sounded a bit like an Ultimate Fighting Championship cage match. You could hear one son scream, “he’s hitting me” and then lots of crying. Frankly, all that was missing from the scene was the famed boxing announcer Michael Buffer exclaiming his signature proclamation, “Let’s get ready to rumble” and the sounding of a bell to designate the start of each round.


Oddly, while this commotion was going on, the couple continued the conversation as if nothing wrong was going on in the playroom. It was a bit surreal, like being in an earthquake, with debris falling all around you, yet no one was running for shelter. Admittedly, I didn’t know much about parenting at the time but the whole situation seemed very peculiar to me. Frankly, when this kind of thing happens, I would generally expect a one of the parents to excuse themselves to get their sons under control. But, they sat there totally unconcerned.

In any case, a few weeks later, we paid another visit to the home and it was like the movie “Ground Hog Day.” We came in and sat down and their children were taken to the playroom and, again, their children started going at each other. And, again, the parents acted as if nothing was going on.

In fact, on a few occasions outside of their home, there were times when I would be talking with the father and his sons would be attacking each other. I certainly never doubted that he loved his boys but he seemed to take a “no blood, no foul” approach to dealing with conflicts between them. To be honest, at times, I was tempted to step in and say something, but as the “junior” dad, I didn’t feel like I had the authority to do so. Nonetheless, this father’s behavior made a significant impression on me. It caused me to vow to never let my boys treat each other this way, in private or in public. But, observing this father’s behavior, also made me wonder why a dad would essentially turn a blind eye to sibling rivalry.


Over the years, we lost touch with this couple and their children, so I don’t know how the relationship between his children developed. However, I know of plenty of situations where brothers and sisters harbor deep-seated anger and resentment because of unresolved childhood conflicts. In these cases, parents, much like the one that I describe above, basically stood by under the misguided notion that one’s children will “just figure this stuff out.”

Also, I have seen this type of “passive” parenting especially in situations where the fights between their children were verbal as opposed to physical. As I have thought about this over the years, it struck me that parents who don’t get involved in these instances believe two oft-quoted idioms that are actually fallacies. The first idiom, which is heard frequently in schoolyards, is “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Now, of course, this is a fantastic retort for a 10-year-old who is being teased, but it’s just not true.

In my role in ministry, I spend a lot of time talking with people about past hurts. In my experience, most people connect their woundedness and emotional pain to something that was said to them, especially as a child. Indeed, words can and do hurt a lot, and if a father allows his children to continually say hurtful things to each other the consequences can be long-lasting. It can create insecurity and a poor self-image into adulthood. Remember, Philippians 4:8 says that our children should be thinking about things that are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise. Accordingly, to the best of his ability, a father should make sure the words his children hear from their siblings reflect the essence of this important verse.



The second idiom is “Time heals all wounds.” Again, although this saying is quite poetic, it’s just not true. My wife is a physician and she would be quick to tell you there are many types of wounds that, if left untreated, are made worse by the passage of time. Alas, it’s not time that heals wounds. Medicine does. I believe that the wounds siblings can inflict on each other fall into this category. After all, those who should love you the most can hurt you the most. That’s why God gave children parents, who, like good physicians, can teach them how to apply the “medicines” of repentance when they have hurt their siblings and forgiveness when they have been hurt by their siblings.

But, there is another important reason I believe it’s critical for parents to take a leadership role in stemming sibling rivalry. If not addressed, sibling rivalries can and do escalate into abuse and, even, violence. For example, I read a story in the New York Times about a guy named Daniel Smith who retold a harrowing tale of growing up with an abusive older brother. He said that he received beatings from his brother “from infancy until he reached the threshold of manhood.” He offered that his brother would grip him in a headlock or stranglehold and punch him repeatedly. He also said, “fighting back just made it worse, so I’d just take it and wait for it to be over…What was I going to do? Where was I going to go? I was 10 years old.” Sadly, one has to wonder where was Daniel’s parents were while this was going on. In any case, it’s not surprising that as a result of this abuse, Daniel and his brother were estranged for most of their adult lives.


It’s stories like Daniel’s that inspired me to step in when two brothers I know were starting down a path towards a very destructive relationship. Interestingly, the source of their ongoing conflict was competitive for their parents’ affection and attention. Thankfully, they were still young so there was time to change the quality of their relationship. Below is a letter that I sent to the oldest brother, with the parents’ permission, after a visit with them when a major conflict erupted between them–with the oldest brother as key instigator.

Dear Bobby,
Happy 13th Birthday! I hope that you had a good one. and I wanted to drop you a note to follow up on a few things that we discussed. I hope that you remember the example that I used with the baking pans to illustrate why there is not a competition between you and Johnny for your parents’ love and attention. You have your pan and Johnny has his pan. Your mom and dad have enough love to fill them both. God makes sure of that.

I also want to remind you of President Teddy Roosevelt’s quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Don’t let yourself get robbed. Competition is great in the right places and at the right time. It’s like fire. It’s fine in the fireplace but outside the fireplace, it’s dangerous and will destroy everything and everyone that you love and those who love you.


Remember, God made you special with a special role as the older brother. He gave you Bobby to love and to lead by your example. But, leading is not bossing. It’s caring. You are called and made to be a special servant leader, just like Jesus, to the one that God placed in your care. It’s an honor to be an older brother and it’s a responsibility too. But, God knows that He can trust you. You see, servant leadership is not about telling someone what to do. It’s about showing someone how to live and love by your example–just like Jesus did. He faced disappointments and challenges, just like you do and will, but He modeled kindness, patience, and caring. He was humble in victory-not boastful. And, because of His example, people wanted to follow Him and they still do today. You see, Bobby wants to look up to you–as his older brother. But, you have to live in a way that models the right things. So, take this challenge and be the kind of brother that he will see as someone that he would want to be and that he would want his sons to be like someday.

Remember, God made you to do great things and he has a plan for your life. Don’t ever forget this. But, true greatness is tied to what you do for others–Loving your God and loving your neighbor and your closest neighbor is Bobby. So, give Bobby an example to admire as you, now 13, grow daily towards manhood. God knows you can and your parents know you can. And, you know you can.

 

[RiverOL]

7 things to do when your kids disappoint you​

My Great-Grandfather raised nine kids. Reflecting back on his years of parenting, he said, “When your kids are little, they step on your toes. When they get big, they step on your heart.”


If you’re a parent, there will be times when your kids let you down, hurt your feelings or even break your heart. There were certainly plenty of times we let our parents down along the way too! How we deal with those disappointments is one of the most critical decisions and defining moments of parenthood. Our longterm relationships with our kids will be directly shaped by how we react in our moments of disappointment over our kids’ choices.

Every child is unique, and every parent is different, so it’s difficult to prescribe a “One-Size-Fits-All” approach, but I’m going to do my best by drawing on some timeless wisdom from the Bible and the life experience of many people with decades more experience that I possess. I hope these principles will help us all as we navigate the most beautiful (and most challenging) task we’ll ever have…Parenthood!
7 things to do when your kids disappoint you (in no particular order):

1. Love them.
Never let your kids feel that your love is conditional and based on their behavior. Your unconditional love must be the foundation for your relationship and always let them know that your love for them is bigger than their biggest mistake. Always communicate your love for them before AND after you communicate any disappointment in their behavior.



2. Tell them plainly why their behavior was out-of-bounds.
This will clearly look different based on whether your correcting a two-year-old child or reasoning with a twenty-year-old son or daughter. In either case, don’t rely on non-verbals to get your point across. Tell them plainly what they did and why it hurt you or damaged your trust in them.

3. Admit your own shortcomings.
Some people adopt a theory of parenting where we should never show weakness or admit imperfection, because it would somehow discredit our authority as parents. I believe that nothing discredits a person faster than pretending to be perfect. Kids aren’t looking for perfection, but they are looking for authenticity. If you’ll talk about your own struggles and faults, your kids (at any age) will be more willing to open up and accept responsibility for their own poor choices.

4. Temporarily remove some freedoms*.

Again, this will obviously look different based on the child’s age and the nature of the offense, but temporarily giving up some freedoms is an important part of the process. When my son broke his arm, he had to wear a cast and restrict his freedoms to allow healing to take place. When trust is broken (just like a broken arm), some freedoms must be temporarily given up to allow the healing process to begin.


*With this delicate part of the process, think “loving correction” instead of “punishment.” When we “punish” we’re often motivated by causing pain because we’ve been caused pain or our pride was wounded. Corrective discipline is still uncomfortable for all parties involved, but it comes from a place of love and a desire for restoration; not from a place of pride or anger with a desire to cause pain.

5. Allow them the opportunity to make it right.

Give your child the opportunity to make amends towards anyone who may have been hurt through their actions. When one of our kids taught the neighbor kid a cuss word, I walked with him to the neighbor’s house and made him apologize for what he’d done to the boy’s parents. It’s was an awkward and difficult moment (for me too!), but it was also a moment of growth and those neighbors gained respect for him, because he was willing to admit fault and humbly ask for forgiveness.


6. Forgive them.

Let them know that you’re not going to hold this infraction over their heads or use it as leverage or as a way to continuously punish them. You’re forgiving them freely and fully, embracing God’s grace and working with them to restore healing and trust. It often takes time to rebuild trust, but forgiveness can and should be given immediately.

7. Pray.

You can’t pray for your kids too much. When possible, pray with your child (out loud) and let you child hear you thanking God for him/her, confessing the sin and embracing the limitless grace and healing God’s love makes possible. Even if your child is grown and out of the house, pray for him/her and send a text message right afterwards just to say, “I’m praying for you. I love you. I’m so thankful to be your Mom/Dad.”

 

[RiverOL]

Look Again, Harder This Time​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . and they shall call his name Immanuel . . . God with us—Matthew 1:23​

We men often feel alone. Even surrounded by family, friends, work colleagues, we can still feel very much alone. These feelings—not of loneliness, but alone-ness—are most acute, of course, in times of stress or struggle or suffering. You see, it’s when we’re most in need of help and companionship that we’re most apt to be convinced that no one’s going to help or no one’s going to understand . . . maybe not even God. Right? I mean, in those dark moments, it can feel like God’s just not there, or has turned away. In one of his dark moments, King David cried out: “I am cut off from your sight” (Psalm 31:22). The truth is, God is always there, in every moment, bright and dark. “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). God doesn’t abandon us in dark moments, even when our sin causes the darkness. So we must learn to see him, even in those moments. One great way to learn is to look backwards, at dark moments from our pasts, moments when we felt alone, and look for him once more, a bit harder this time.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Spend some time in prayer. Close your eyes. Quiet your mind. Now, drawing upon everything you know about him, get a picture of Jesus. Think about his goodness—and his heart for the weary, the worried, the wicked, the down, the downtrodden. Think about his willingness to go into tough places and tough situations . . . to redeem them. Next, recall a moment from your past. Call to mind a picture of a time when you felt alone. Visualize the details. Remember how it felt. Now, bring the two pictures together and imagine how Jesus might have (actually) been at work in the moment you chose.