Jokes for laugh

[hungary fighter]

Deaf Newlyweds

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of
marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate
in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because
they can't see each other using sign language. After
several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings,
the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs,
"Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance,
at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over
and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want
to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast
one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and
signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want
to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis
one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over
and pull on my penis......fifty times!"

 

[birdie8819]

RIDDLES

What did one potato chip say to the other?
"Shall we take a dip?"

How can you get into a locked house with all the windows tightly barred and without a key?
Keep running around the house until you're all in.

What did the vampire take for a cold?
Coffin syrup

What do you give a dog with a fever?
Ketchup. It's the best thing for a hot dog (Javed, 12)

What is the penalty for breaking the law of gravity.
A suspended sentence

When is an artist like an Indian shooting a arrow?
When he draws a bow.

What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of prey.

PUNS

He must have some inner ear trouble. He went into a bank and lost his balance.

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good; why can't you be good for nothing like your father?"

If you want to crash a houseboat party, just barge in.

He put bug spray on his watch to get rid of the ticks.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Replacing some peoples central nervous system would be a no-brainer


GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

My teenaged niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing." She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left."

Wife: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband: I was golfing with friends, my dear." Wife: "What? At two in the morning?" Husband: "Yes. We used nightclubs."

A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library... The librarian quips after checking the books... "Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book..."
The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix when ever I see one."

OTHER HUMOR

Hay Fever: Straw with a high temperature

Spinal: "He had cameras installed in every room so he could SPINAL his guests."

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a kilt?
Hopscotch.

Old Eskimos never die, they just get cold feet.

 

[birdie8819]

PUNS

What kind of stories does a ship captain tell his children?
Ferry tales

My doctor said I was paranoid. Well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.

I dropped a glass on the floor and it broke. It was called a shooter glass, but after it broke it was a shot glass. (Robert Ford)

I was talking to my dad yesterday. He's getting a little older and complaining about joint pain. I asked him. "Is it your hip?" He looked at me and then said, "No, I burned my lip smoking pot."

An apartment building is a place where the landlord and the tenant are both trying to raise the rent (Joey Adams)

The last thing to melt this spring was the hardy snow man I built in December. There is was, a solitary hunk of ice in a sea of green, proving once again the old adage that snow man is an island.

GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

I was at my new job today driving for Acme Delivery Service and was sent to get some parts for two trucks. They told me they needed a heater hose for two F250 trucks which required a special flared head. I asked them if I should go to Auto Zone for them, but they said only NAPA had the correct hoses. So I asked: "You mean you want two NAPA headed hose?" Somehow, I still have my job, but I hear MSNBC won't be using our services any longer.

There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help. The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family love." The young priest decided to take the advice. The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in the arms a hot woman," he paused. The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel. Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem. He said in conclusion, "Well I may not
remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!"

OTHER HUMOR

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death

Passionate: The young boy in his PASSIONATE all his Halloween candy in one day.

The short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Brittany Spears: Weapons used in first English invasion of northern France. (Richard Lederer)

Old Elvis Impersonators never die, they just get out of sequins.

Headline: Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

ANSWER: Deep freeze.
QUESTION: Name an Eskimo porno film.
(Johnny Carson as "Carnac The Magnificent")

 

[Kenshinng]

This guys walks into a bar and the bartender immediately notices how depressed this guy is.

"Give me a beer", said the guy.

"Sure thing," said the bartender, "by the way, why the long face?

"I just found out my oldest son is gay", replied the guy.

The next day the same guy walks back into the bar and orders a beer and a few shots of whiskey.

"Whats wrong now?", asked the bartender noticing he is twice as depressed as the day before.

"I just found out my youngest son is gay too."

The next day the same guy walks in with tears pouring out of his eyes.

"God doesn't anyone in your house like pussy?", asked the bartender.

The guy said, "Yeah, my wife!"

 

[birdie8819]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are!

 

[birdie8819]

man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he gain straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

No," she said, "I was a hooker in Buffalo and I worked both sides of the Niagara River."

 

[birdie8819]

Zodiac Signs and the way they Kiss

Aries: Your kisses are quick and passionate fits of lustful pleasure that are there and then gone.

Taurus: Your kisses linger; they are deliberate, heartfelt and they can go on and on and on.

Gemini: Your kisses are interrupted by spasms of giggles, smiles and funny observations.

Cancer: Your kisses are warm and tender, and you never want to let them go.

Leo: Your kisses are wild and uninhibited, biting and clawing, you expect applause for your performance.

Virgo: Your kisses are so subtle and tidy, your lover only notices them once you've finished.

Libra: You're too busy worrying about your breath to really get into your kisses.

Scorpio: You skip the kiss and get straight to whatever comes next for you.

Sagittarius: Your kisses are surprising, spontaneous affairs that leave the kissed wanting more.

Capricorn: Your kisses are intense moments of sublime relief from the stress of your day.

Aquarius: Your kisses are wet and messy, and you tend to keep your eyes open.

Pisces: Your kisses are starry-eyed, amorous and long-lasting.

 

[birdie8819]

How men get into trouble !!!

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, " Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe? " the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife? " the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez , You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez ."

 

[birdie8819]

Googly :

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing . You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

"Actually, I gave my costume to my driver; apparently he had the time of his life."

 

[birdie8819]

Identity :


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini-van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"


"She just died and left me everything."

 

[birdie8819]

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

 

[birdie8819]

Two kangaroos were living in a zoo pen with a 20-foot high fence.

One morning, both kangaroos were found wandering around the zoo, and were quickly put back in their pen, and the fence was put up to 30 feet.

Next morning, they were found outside again, so the fence was made 40 feet high.

The fence got up to 60 feet, and still the kangaroos were outside in the morning.

One kangaroo says to the other, "How high do you think they will they make this fence?"

"I don't know," said the second. "Depends when they discover that they've not been locking the gate.

 

[birdie8819]

A Nutty Game

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"
And the inmates complied by standing up.

After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"

 

[birdie8819]

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink . He stays like that for half-hour.


Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: " Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.

First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car,

I found out it was stolen.

The police, they said they couldn't do anything.

I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener.

I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

 

[middaydog]

ooi, open new thread lah, joke for laugh-2 or what ever, this thread is getting too many pages oreddy

 

[vamjok]

should just sticky it and stick to one. this is good

 

[birdie8819]

ooi, open new thread lah, joke for laugh-2 or what ever, this thread is getting too many pages oreddy

Aiyo too many threads see liao also blur ..... better stick to one thread and try not to make things difficult for BOSS here lah . :p

should just sticky it and stick to one. this is good

You're correct bro .


These two jokes for you guys -



What is the worlds smallest funeral home?

A woman's pussy, you can only get one stiff in at a time.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship.

He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!"

One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!"

The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"

 

[BlueCat]

bro birdie8819,
so nice of you to also share your jokes here. :p
always find it good.

also thanks to all who contributed here,all of you are good.

 

[vamjok]

ok la i must also contribute,

one day a mother caught her 13 years old boy masturbating in his room. the mum decided to discourage the act, and thus find a time to talk to his boy in the later part of the day.

"son, you should save all these for your marriage, its not healthy if you do it too often you know?"

the son decided to listen to his mum advice.

on the big day 15 years later, the son finally got married to a beautiful lady. the handsome grown up man now bring his mum down into the basement and show her a very big barrel.

"Mum, i have listen to your advise and decide to save it for my marriage. Over the years, i have finally filled this barrel to the brim. What shall i do with it now?"

 

[birdie8819]

"Wasted Boner"

A man gets his new prescription for V-iagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I will be home in an hour."

"Perfect," he thinks. The Doctor told him to take his pill an hour before, so he takes the pill and waits. Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife. She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I will not be there for about an hour."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.

"I have got a erection a cat could not scratch off and my wife will not be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I do not need V-iagra with the housekeeper."