Jokes for laugh

[ah rat]

Teacher : History is a very interesting
subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student : Please teacher, I don't think
I want to study history.
Teacher : Why?
Student : There is no future in it.

............ ......... ......... .........
......... ......... ......... .

Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10
and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still
have?
Ted : $10.
Teacher : You don't know maths.
Ted : You don't know my father!
............ ......... ......... .........
......... ......... .......... ........

Mother : David, come here.
David : Yes, mum?
Mother : You really disappoint me. Your
results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my
report book tomorrow.
Mother : I know that. But I am going to
Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
............ .......... ......... .........
......... ......... ......... ........

Father : Why did you fail your mathematics
test?
Son : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father : So?
Son : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And
on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she can't make up her
mind, how do I
know the right answer?
............ ......... ......... .........
.......... ......... ......... ........

A mother and son were doing dishes while the
father and daughter were watching TV in the living room.
Suddenly, there
was a loud crash of
breaking plates, then complete silence. The
daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter : It's mummy!
Father : How do you know?
Daughter : She didn't say anything.
............ ......... ......... .........
.......... ......... ......... ........

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
------------ --------- --------- ---------
--------- --

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

------------ --------- --------- ---------
--------- --

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and
frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me
the menu card.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Teacher : Simon, your composition on 'My
Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u
copy his?
Simon : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
------------ --------- --------- ---------
--------- --

Father : Your teacher says she finds it
impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
------------ --------- --------- ---------
--------- --

Teacher: 'Where were u born?'
Student: ' Singapore , Sir.'
Teacher: 'Which part?'
Student: 'All of me, Sir.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
--------- ----

A teacher was asking her class: 'What is the
difference between 'unlawful' and
'illegal'?' Only one hand shot up.
'Ok, answer, Joan' said the teacher.
''unlawful' is when u do something
the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick
eagle.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
--------- ---

Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?'
Ah Kow: 'No comb, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.'
Ah Kow: 'No hair, Sir.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------
--------- ----

A boy came home from school with his exam
results.
'What did u get?' asked his father.
'My marks are under water,' said the boy.
'What do u mean 'under water'?'
'They are all below 'C' (sea) level'

 

[birdie8819]

A young couple decided to wed.

As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.

Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

Father, he said, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.

His father replied, Don't you love this girl?

Oh yes, very much, he said, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.

No problem, said dad, all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.

Mom, she said, When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.

Honey, her mother consoled, everyone has bad breath in the morning.

No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.

Her mother said simply, Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth.

I shouldn't say good morning or anything? the daughter asked.

Not a word, her mother affirmed.

Well, it's certainly worth a try, she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.

That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.

Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, What on earth are you doing?

Oh, my, he replies, you've swallowed my sock!

 

[ah rat]

The donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN .

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas... The Bishop was buried the next day.

 

[aman]

Thanks bros for the joke..

 

[birdie8819]

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO -- he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over. They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house around the block. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they'll be right back and they run around the corner to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day.

The police still have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

 

[birdie8819]

Dear Mum & Dad,


Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Ryan dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love as always
your only son
Johnnie

 

[birdie8819]

TOP 10 REASONS MEN DATE BIMBOS INSTEAD OF NICE GIRLS

10. Much easier to prove that you're superior.

9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.

8. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera".

7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet-even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.

6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.

5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of 'the guys'.

4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and personality - now shut up and finish putting on that French maid outfit.

3. Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them.

2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe that it's eight inches.

and the Number One Reason Men Date Bimbos Instead Of Nice Girls

1. They will put up with you.

 

[birdie8819]

Princess Kelly is walking along the edge of a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on the creatures hideous appearance, saying, "My but you
are a really ugly frog!"

The frog answers, "I know, I know, I've got a really bad spell on me."

Princess Kelly says, "Well, I've seen frogs with spells, but none as ugly as you."

"Look, lady," says the frog, "I told you ... it's a REALLY bad spell."

"Well, even so," replies Princess Kelly, "if I kiss you will you turn into a Prince?"

The frog answers, "I don't know, lady ... a spell this bad will probably take a blow job!"

 

[birdie8819]

Q: Why do 99% of the girls have a bigger left breast?
A: Because 99% of the guys are right handed.

What is the definition of old age?
A: When it takes the whole night to do what you used to do the whole night

Q: What is the height of shock?
A: When you are having sex with a pregnant woman and suddenly a hand grabs your dick from inside!

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job.
A: After 5 years, the job still sucks.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: What's the height of Frustration:
A: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday?
Tell her a joke on a Monday!

 

[birdie8819]

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage.
You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in!
How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."

 

[birdie8819]

I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. The first clue was when I noticed my left hand is now cramped in the famous mouse position, since I'm a southpaw. However, I was feeling very amorous; frisky.

The second hint was more tragic. As I lay in bed last night, looking at my wife on my left side, thinking how nice it would be to do some red-hot lovemaking on a red-hot night with her, I rested my left hand upon her right breast in an effort to... -- "light the fire," so to speak.

I gently cupped ber bosom, being without many options, since my left hand is now permanently cramped in that position. I heard a soft moan from her, but moments later found myself relegated to the couch!

Alas, I had double-clicked the nipple on her left breast in an effort to "turn her on!"

 

[birdie8819]

"Making Cigarettes"


Little Johnny and his girl were walking along a trail in the woods. Suzy noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly. "Little Johnny, why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked.

Little Johnny stopped to consider his answer, and replied, "They're making cigarettes."

"Cigarettes?" she exclaimed, as they continue walking along. Pretty soon, they approached a couple of raccoons. Suzy asked, "Are they making cigarettes too?"

"Yea," says Little Johnny.

Suzy looked around and said, "It looks like all the animals are making cigarettes, why do not we make cigarettes?" Little Johnny was quick to say,

"OK!"

An hour or so later Little Johnny and Suzy were walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kind of cigarettes did we make?"

Little Johnny stopped to think about his answer, and then replied, "Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you do not it was a Lucky Strike."

 

[birdie8819]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining.

 

[birdie8819]

Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: How do you know whether or not the blonde you slept with last night gave you a good blow-job?
A: The bedsheets are sucked up your ass.

Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: Why do women have faces?
A: So men can tell the vaginas apart.

 

[birdie8819]

Pissed Off

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

 

[birdie8819]

A guy was having trouble satisfying his wife, so he went to his buddy at work for advice.

"Listen," said the inept guy, "I know you always satisfy your women. How do you do it?"

"Oh, That's no problem," said his friend. "What I do is stick it in them real slow, and then pull it out from them real fast. Keep doing
that and they come every time."

The guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique out.

He stuck it in real slow, and then extracted it real quickly, just like his buddy said. After a while he asked his wife, "Honey, do you
notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?"

"Yeah," she said, "you're screwing just like your buddy at work."

 

[birdie8819]

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.

She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel
terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in
your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

 

[birdie8819]

What did the farmer use to fix the rip in his pants?
A cabbage patch

What would you call a grandfather clock?
An old timer.

What part of a car causes the most accidents?
The nut behind the wheel.

Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs
She mislaid them.

How do trees get on the Internet?
They log in.

Why did the lazy man want to work in the bakery?
Because he was a loafer

Why do people dislike going to the dentist?
Because he is boring.

 

[birdie8819]

Whore House Slogans

1. More Fuck for your Buck!

2. More Honey for your Money!

3. More Gash for your Cash!

4. More Hole for your Pole!

5. More Head for your Bread!

6. More Booty for your Looty!

7. More Strange for your Change!

8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!

9. Will suck for a buck!

10.We'll Tally Whack Your Ban !

 

[ah rat]

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad
news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the m&d.

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange
and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand
him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and
said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby
Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and
then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours.
What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave