Jokes for laugh

[wendypoh]

Funny ! Good for laughs

 

[hungary fighter]

One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods
on their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs
mating in the brush. "What are they doing, Dad?" asked
the small child, staring intently at the scene before
them. "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's
father, as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly.
A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up
from his bed to go to the bathroom. As he walked by
his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming from
within. He opened the door and was surprised to see
his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange
way. His father looked up and saw his son - instantly,
both mother and father froze. As the boy's mother grabbed
for the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up
and hustled his son out of the bedroom. "What were you
doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still
wasn't sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well,
we were, ah, trying to make a baby - you know, maybe
a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father,
now confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity.
"Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute.
"Y'know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, turn
her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy".

 

[sun-x]

Thanks you! you guys for all the sharing of jokes

 

[beary]

"Italian Virgins"

Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room.

The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens.

The groom calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course.

The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him.

A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back, "Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?"

 

[beary]

Be afraid if you annoy this husband !!!

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"

 

[beary]

Increasing Sex Drive




This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ''Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive.'' The doctor smiled and said, ''Have you tried to give him Viagra?''

The lady frowned. ''Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,'' she claimed.

''Well,'' the doctor continued, ''Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing.''

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.

She shook her head. ''How did it go?'' the doctor asked.

''Terrible, doctor, terrible.''

''Did it not work?''

''Yes,'' the old lady said, ''It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years.''

''Then what is the problem, ma'am?''

''Well,'' she said. ''I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again.''

 

[beary]

Before Marriage - - -


He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get!

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!



After marriage - - - simply read from bottom to top.

 

[toolanliao]

a patient escaped from a mental institution, ran amok and goes around raping every woman that he sees.

The next day, the headline reads;

Nut Bolts and Screws


paiseh, if this is not funny enough. :o:o

 

[nashdine2356]

ok first timer here,found some jokes which to me are real gems

A business man walks into a sex shop, the owner asks what he needs. The man replies I need something to keep my flirtatious wife busy for a week. The owner beckons him to the back of the shop and pulls out a box with odd carvings. He opens it to reveal a regular looking dildo. The business man laughs and says, "That's just a regular looking dildo." The owner shakes his head and says, "Magic dildo, the door!" The dildo rose into the air and darted for the door knob, it fucked it with such vigor the door started to crack. "Magic dildo, back in the box!" The business man was impressed with the spectacle and bought it on the spot. At home the man explained to his wife if she got horny all she had to do was say magic dildo, my pussy. The husband leaves for his business trip, and within an hour the wife gets extremely horny, she contemplates who to call, but remembers the dildo her husband bought her. "Magic dildo, my pussy" says the wife. The dildo rose and darted for her pussy, it was an experience unlike anything she has ever experienced. After 3 orgasms she was satisfied. She tried to pull the dildo out but it kept fucking her. Her husband forgot to tell her how to stop it. Panicked, she put on her clothes and headed for the hospital. With each thrust she swerved. A cop notices her wild driving and pulls her over. The cop walks up to her and asks for her license and how much she had to drink, the woman moans and gasps as she tries to explain that she has a magic dildo fucking her and she needs to get to the hospital. The officer looked at her for a second, and said, "Yeah right!... Magic dildo my ass!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A bear and a rabbit were in the woods taking a shit. The bear looked at the rabbit and asked:

"Rabbit, do you ever have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit said:

"Why no, bear, I don't."

So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Three men are stranded on an island, and the leader of the tribe approaches. He tells them each that they can choose between BOOM BOOM or DEATH. The first man doesn't want to die, so he chooses BOOM BOOM. The tribe puts him in a small cage, and everyone rapes him. The second man, terrified, also chooses BOOM BOOM, and is also put in a small cage and raped. The third man, says fuck this and chooses DEATH. The tribal leader looks around and says: Death by BOOM BOOM.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad giving his mum one, his dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts "get out!" A little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's bedroom, he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his gran - Johnny just looks at him and says "not so funny when it's your mum is it?"

 

[nashdine2356]

more more more!!!!


A man was sitting at a bar enjoying his beer. Suddenly a homeless man ran into the bar, acting very excited. He ran up to the bartender and asked very politely for a fork. The bartender gave the homeless man a plastic fork, and he ran out.

The man who was enjoying his beer thought this was a bit odd, but paid it no more mind.

Roughly five minutes later another homeless man came running in and up to the bartender, and seemed a lot more desperate than the last fellow. He quickly asked for a fork. The bartender gave him a plastic fork, and he quickly ran back outside.

The man who was enjoying his beer was now intrigued by what could possibly be going on outside, but decided he would at least finish his beer.

Roughly 5 minutes later, yet another homeless man came in and up to the bartender, though he was walking rather slowly, and seemed a bit unhappy. He asked the bartender for a straw. The bartender gave him a straw, and he began to walk out.

This was all the other man could stand. As the homeless man was about to walk out, he grabbed him and asked him about what was going on. He said:

"Listen, two other homeless men came in and frantically asked for forks, and now you come in and ask for a straw. What's going on?"

The homeless man replied:

"Well, somebody threw up outside the door, but all the good stuff is already gone"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between falling from the 10th floor and from the 1st floor of a building? A: Tenth floor: Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh... Poof. First floor: Poof. Aaaaaaahhhhhh...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three men are trapped on an island with a tribe of cannibals. The chief cannibal tells the three men that their lives will be spared if they can collect three of the same fruits and bring them to the chief; however, they cannot show any emotions the entire time. Thinking that the task was easy enough, the three men set out searching for three of the same fruit throughout the island. The first man comes back with three bananas. “Good,” says the chief, “now, you must shove these bananas up your ass!” The man gasps and is immediately thrown into a boilin pot of stew. The second man comes back with three small coconuts. “Good,” says the chief, “now you must shove these small coconuts up your ass!” The man does not flinch. He slowly drops his pants and shoves one coconut up his ass. He then proceeds to shove a second coconut up his ass! Finally he begins to shove the third coconut up his ass, until halfway through, the man looks up and begins to laugh hysterically. The tribe grabs the man and throws him into the stew! The second man wakes up in Heaven with the first man looking at him curiously. “What happened?” The first man asked, “You were so close to walking out with your life! Why were you laughing like a maniac?” “I couldn’t help it!” said the second man, “I looked up and I saw the last guy running back with pineapples!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman called 999 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bus driver
is driving a bus full of geriatric women on a charter trip. After a couple of hours one of the old women hobbles up to the bus driver and asks him if he wants some peanuts.

"Sure, thanks!" he replies, grateful for the rather large bag of peanuts she gives him.

After another couple of hours, he finishes the bag, and almost immediately the old woman returns to the front of the bus with another large bag of peanuts and offers them to him.

He accepts the bag and asks if she or any of her travel mates would like some of them before she returns to her seat.

When she declines, he asks if it's because they don't like peanuts.

"Oh, heavens no," she says, "we love them. It's just that they're too hard for us to chew. We're perfectly happy just sucking the chocolate coating off of them."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jimmy decides to have a fancy-dress party and the theme is 'Emotions'. The event is going swimmingly - lots of girls in saucy red outfits proclaiming to be 'Love', or naughty little green numbers pretending to be 'Envy'. All of a sudden the needle slides off the record and the party is stunned into silence. Everybody, including Jimmy, is staring wide-eyed at two huge West Indian chaps standing in the doorway. Both are completely, magnificently naked but one is jamming his cock into a piece of fruit and the other is resting his equipment in some crockery. "What the fuck is going on?!" yells Jimmy, aghast. "Is dis di fancy-dress party?" asks one of the West Indians. "Yes," bleats Jimmy, "but you're supposed to come as Emotions. E-MO-TIONS!" "We have," replies the second West Indian. "My friend is 'Fuckin' Dis Custard' and I have 'Come In Dis Pear'!!"

 

[middaydog]

a young Mohican went to his father and asked " Father Running Bear, tell me, what are the criteria or guide we Mohican use when we name our children ? "

" It's like this, son" replied the father "when mothers gave birth, fathers would immediatly carry the baby out of the tent to the open and at that moment whatever force of nature or beasts being displayed will be used to call the children's name "

" Oh! so that's why my brothers are called Thundering Cloud and Fighting Bull "

" Yeah, that's why your brothers are called Thundering Cloud and Fighting Bull , _ so ? what seem to be your problem, Fucking Dog ? "

 

[hungary fighter]

Horse Ride

Little Johnny is passing his parent's bedroom in the
middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.
Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and
catches his folks screwing.

Before his dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims,
"Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

His dad, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his
stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going
to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the
part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

 

[birdie8819]

Forest Gump and St. Peter​

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in." Related Image

"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."

"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"

 

[birdie8819]

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt.

The man's birthday is coming up, so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful Butt" tattooed on her butt.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist her husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt".

She then tells the man she wants "Beautiful Butt" tattooed on her cheeks. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your butt, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letter B on each cheek and that can stand for "Beautiful Butt."

She agrees and gets it done.

On the man's birthday she hears him come home and she is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "Look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over.

The man yells "WHO THE HELL IS BOB?!"

 

[birdie8819]

Three men walk into a bar and sit down at the counter. The first thing that the bartender tells them is not to go into the back room, it is forbidden! Naturally, as soon as the bartender leaves, one of then men goes into the room.

He sees a really hot, big-breasted woman in there and hundreds of penises all over the walls. She walks up to him and grabs him by the nuts and asks him what his father did for a living. He tells her that he was a meat grinder....so she pulls out a meat grinder and grinds up his dick....he runs out screaming.

The second man goes in the room and the same thing happens, except he says, "My father was a butcher."

So she chops it off and he runs out screaming.

Then the third man goes in and once again the same thing happens. But when she asks what his father did, he says, "He was a lollypop tester"

 

[birdie8819]

A Nun Was Sitting At The Airport, Waiting On Her Flight To Chicago. She Looked Over In The Corner And Saw One Of Those Weight Machines That Tells Your Fortune, And Thought To Herself, "i'll Give It A Try And See What It Tells Me."

She Went Over To The Machine, Stepped Up On The Scale And Put Her Nickel In, And Out Came A Card That Read, "you Are A Nun, You Weigh 128 Lbs And You Are Going To Chicago."

The Nun Sat Back Down. She Told Herself That The Machine Probably Gives The Same Card To Everyone. The More She Thought About It, The More Curious She Got, So She Decided To Try It Again.

She Went Back To The Machine And Again Put Her Nickel In, And Out Came A Card That Read, "you Are A Nun, You Weigh 128 Lbs, You Are Going To Chicago And You Are Going To Play A Fiddle."

The Nun Said To Herself, "i Know That Is Wrong, I Have Never Played A Musical Instrument A Day In My Life." She Sat Back Down. From Out Of Nowhere A Cowboy Came Over And Sat Down, Putting His Fiddle Case In The Seat Between Them.
Without Thinking, She Opened The Cowboy's Case, Took Out The Fiddle, And Started Playing Beautiful Music.

Surprised At What She Had Done, She Looked Over At The Machine, Thinking, "this Is Incredible, I've Got To Try This Again." Back To The Machine She Went, Put In Another Nickel, And Another Card Came Out.

It Read, "you Are A Nun, You Weigh 128 Lbs, You Are Going To Chicago And You Are Going To Break Wind." Now She Knew The Machine Was Wrong.

As She Thought To Her Self, "i've Never Broken Wind In Public A Single Time In My Life," Butgetting Down Off The Machine She Slipped, And As She Was Straining To Keep Herself From Falling On The Floor, She Broke Wind.

Absolutely Stunned, She Sat Back Down And Looked At The Machine. She Said To Herself, "this Is Truly Remarkable! I Have Got To Try This Again."

She Went Back To The Machine, Put In Another Nickel, And Another Card Came Out. It Read, "you Are Still A Nun, You Still Weigh 128 Lbs,but You Have Fiddled And Farted Around So Much,you Missed Your Flight To Chicago!

 

[birdie8819]

John and Marsha were having marital difficulties, neither being able to satisfy the other sexually. One day Marsha visited her friend, Dorothy, who was quite a woman of the world. Marsha casually mentioned the problem. "It's not the first time I've heard of it," said Dorothy. "You can go to all the doctors in the world and they can't help you. But there is a remedy."

"For God's sake, Dorothy, tell me what it is!" exclaimed Marsha.

She said, "Well, since you insist, and against my better judgment, I will tell you. The only remedy is for John to eat it."

"Oh, no!" exclaimed Marsha, "He would never do that!"

Dorothy shrugged. "There you have it -- take it or leave it. You asked and I told you."

At home, Marsha prepared an unusually fine supper for John that night. When he returned from work he enjoyed it mightily, but wondered a bit about the reason for it. "That was a great meal," he said. "Anything unusual happen today? Enjoy your visit with Dorothy?"

Marsha told John of Dorothy's suggestion. "Absolutely not!" he exploded. "I won't engage in such disgusting practices."

But Marsha urged and begged until finally John gave in. "OK," he said. "I guess it won't hurt to try it once." Marsha went up and got into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck. When John arrived he surveyed the scene and tried to decide how to proceed.

Finally he raised the covers at the foot of the bed and crawled under them. Groping around until he located the target, with much hesitation, he undertook his task.

No sooner than he started, when Marsha broke wind explosively. Under the covers, a muffled voice was heard to say.... "Thank God! A breath of fresh air."

 

[birdie8819]

The Internet is like a penis

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.

Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

 

[Bika]

damn funny lor..hahahaha...nice jokes shared...

i got some too..will post them later.

 

[hughgrant]

thanks bros for sharing.