Jokes for laugh

[SammyHulk]

Ridiculous Funny Press Statements

"The President continues to surprise people, so I am not surprised
to be surprised."

- US Secy of Defense Dick Cheney
- from Mark Wiersbeck (Minneapolis, MN, USA)

"Mobile launchers are more difficult to detect because they move
around, unlike fixed launchers."

- Katie Coucik, NBC News
- from Lowell McCulley (Nashua, NH, USA)

"Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will resume in
a moment."

- Tom Brokaw, NBC News
- from Jeff E. Nelson (Nashua, NH, USA)

"We have good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a sharp
object sticking out of his chest".

- Lt. R. Travis, Newburgh, NY, Police Dept,
cited in National Lampoon calendar
- from Jim Reisert (Hudson, MA, USA)

"The City of Rochester (Michigan) is considering a ban on smoking
at the park because people are leaving their butts on the beach."

- Announcer, WJR Radio, Detroit, MI
- from Jim Cotton (Novi, MI, USA)

"This door must not be opened under any circumstances."

- Sign outside a fire exit in a hotel
- from C. N. Kumar (Karnataka, India)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

-- Miss Alabama in the 1994
-- Miss USA contest.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
-- Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

-- Dan Quayle

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
if there is a change in your circumstances."

-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

 

[SammyHulk]

Sneaking into Female Dormitory

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $120. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season pass?”

 

[ah rat]

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad,
so make arrangement.

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and
I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going
abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
private tuition: I have work for a week, so you need
not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a
week I don’t have class ‘coz my teacher is busy. Lets
spend the week together.

Grandpa(the 1st boss ) make call to his secretary: This week I am
spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend
that meeting.

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss
has some work, we cancelled our trip.

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend
this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
private tuition: This week we will have class as usual.

 

[vandom66]

1) DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you
run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked
lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

(2) NAMES OF WIVES
A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !

 

[vandom66]

(3) HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while
thinking a name of his country and his mistress ask him 'is it In Dear?'...

(4) RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night
men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas
women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!

 

[vandom66]

(5) ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
'Abdul Aziz '
'Sex? '
'Six times a week!! '
'No, no, I mean male or female! '
'Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !'

(6) SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and
sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service'

 

[vandom66]

(7) HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and .. Wife on the cover of 'missing persons'

(8) SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY
section.

 

[vandom66]

(9) GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u
can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

(10) DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: 'It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby
t! han have a tooth removed.'
Dentist: 'Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly.'

 

[vandom66]

(11) VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: ' RETURNED UNOPENED '

(12) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.

 

[VBScripts]

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired
military man, and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'

He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore
that same negligee the night we were married.'

She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?'

He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the
life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'

She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty
years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say
tonight?'

He looked her up and down and said; 'Mission Accomplished !!!.'

 

[VBScripts]

MORNING B/FAST SHOW in Singapore

Below conversation really happened on S'pore radio recently, I think

some of U in the South had heard it on the radio too.


THIS IS REALLY FUNNY!


DJ : Good morning. This is Power 98 & do you want to play a game?

Contestant : Yeah, why not.

DJ : Good. It is a simple game. When I say something you have to give an answer that is opposite to what I have said.

For eg. when I say Sharp, you have to answer Blunt. OK?


Contestant : OK.


DJ : Sun

Contestant : Moon.

DJ : Black

Contestant : White.

DJ : Tall

Contestant : Short.

DJ : Dog

Contestant : Cat.

DJ : Man

Contestant : Woman

DJ : Cock

Contestant : CHEEBAI !!!


RADIO KEEP SILENCE !!!!!!.......................


Later say the DJ : These things sometimes happen and we are on live. Let's take a
commercial break here.

 

[SammyHulk]

Q : What is the strongest muscle?
A : Tongue.... Because it can raise woman's hip with just one lick.


Q : What is the lightest muscle?
A : Penis.... Because it can be raised by a woman's lips!


Fact: A woman can guide a 1.5" diameter penis into an inch diameter
vagina in pitch dark without looking, but cannot park a 6ft long car in a 7th long parking space in daylight!!!

The 69 position is like driving in rush hour, the "ask hole" is always in front of you!

Advantages of having an affair with a married women. They give like hell.
They do not yell. They do not tell. They do not swell and there are no wedding bells!!!



Q : What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
A : A chicken is the result of a SITTING HEN whereas a baby is the
result of a STANDING CxxK!

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still be in paradise. Why?
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

Q : Why do men snore when lying on their backs?
A : Because their balls flop over their asshole and this causes an
airlock!!!

Q : What is the difference between a black and a white fairy tale?
A : White begins, "Once upon a time......." Black begins, "Y'all
mo'fxxxxkers a'int gonna believe this shit......"

Q : What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A : When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but,
when you pull down the PANTY..... it is showtime!!!



Q : What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A : Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.

 

[SammyHulk]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those

Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a Headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball

Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the

Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his

Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes

Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With

That, He goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,

She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."

 

[DiGeorge]

Many wonderful jokes here, thanks for sharing

 

[123456787654321]

Let me try...


A king has a beautiful queen who is a slut. One day the king has to be away for a few days. He knows his queen will try and screw the servants, and he doesn't trust his servants not to screw his queen, so he secretly casts a spell on her, such that anything inserted into her vagina will drop off.

Upon his return he immediately has all his male servants lined up to be inspected. One by one he pulls down their pants and laughs as their dicks drop off.

"Ha ha! You tried to screw my queen and now you don't have a dick!"

Eventually the king comes to his most trusted servant. He pulls down his pants and his dick doesn't drop off! The king hugs him.

"You have proven to be the most worthy, the most loyal of all my servants! For that, I will give you anything, anything at all. Tell me, what do you want?"

The moment the trusted servant opens his mouth, his tongue drops out.

 

[123456787654321]

Four nuns go to confess to their Mother Superior. For some reason one of them keeps giggling.

First nun: Mother, I have sinned. I flashed my tits.
Mother Superior: I have sprinkled you with holy water, you are now cleansed.

Fourth Nun giggles.

Second Nun: Mother, I have sinned. I masturbated.
Mother Superior: I have sprinkled you with holy water, you are now cleansed.

Fourth Nun giggles louder.

Third Nun: Mother, I have sinned. I had sex with a man.
Mother Superior: I have sprinkled you with holy water, you are now cleansed.

Fourth Nun giggles even louder. Mother Superior is very annoyed.

Mother Superior: Why have you been giggling all this time? You shouldn't laugh at your sister's sins. Come now, what is your confession?
Fourth Nun: Mother, I have sinned. I peed in the holy water.

 

[alfarian]

Tks for sharing!

 

[ah rat]

Hotel Bill

The next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
consider this:
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Sydney to Perth .
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and hire a room, but they only plan to sleep
for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells
the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 'Well, they are here, and
you could have,' explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for
which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from Hollywood The
Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we
didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised
when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, this check is only made
out for $50.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300 for sleeping with
my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'

 

[birdie8819]

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling.

Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."

The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her.

Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.

"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his butt. He won't even wake up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right.

Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt.

So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again.

The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex.

This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my butthole as your scoreboard?"

 

[ah rat]

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together

over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern

where you leaned against the back fence and I made

love to you." .
>
"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."
>
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there

again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
>
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy,

but good idea!"
>
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their

conversation and, having a chuckle to himself,

he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two

old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just
keep

an eye on them so there's no trouble. So, he follows them.
>
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other

for support aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way

to the fence.The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man

drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence,

the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that

the policeman has ever seen! This goes on for about

ten
minutes while both are making loud noises and

moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse,

panting on to the ground.
>
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned

something about life and old age that he didn't know.
>
After about half an hour of lying on the ground

recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet

and put their clothes back on.
>
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself,

"I've got to ask them what their secret is."
>

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

"Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've

had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of

secret to this?"
>
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply:

"Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence!!!"