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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
Scientific Gathering
Scientific Gathering ...The greatest scientists of all time were invited to a conference:
* Newton said he'd drop in.
* Descartes said he'd think about it
* Ohm resisted the idea.
* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.
* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
* Volta was electrified at the prospect
* Pavlov positively drooled at the thought.
* Ampere was worried he wasn't current.
* Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
* Edison thought it would be illuminating.
* Einstein said it would be relatively easy to attend.
* Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
* Dr Jekyll declined - he said he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
* Morse said, "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."
* Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetism.
* Hertz said he planned to attend with greater frequency in the future.
* Watt thought it would be a good way to let off steam.
* Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
Saved the best for the last....Political Gathering at a local level :p
A dig or political satire, as you will
Political Gathering
The greatest politicians of all time in Singapore were invited to a national conference:
* Lee Kuan Yew said nowadays he "bo-kuan" (cannot control) as an octogenarian MP even though he would never ever "repent" for making his 1G PAP colleagues step down before age 60 for "renewal" purposes (eg, Toh Chin Chye, Ong Pang Boon, etc).
* Lee Hsien Loong declined the invitation as he is very "sian" (lost interest) after expending all his energies "fixing the Opposition" and he "mai lee" (don't want to get involved) because he also "mee siam mai hum" (sans cockles for a local vermicelli dish that is never served with cockles to start with).
* Goh Chok Tong was gaping like a goldfish as he sputtered that he "kena chokked diok" (got electric-shocked) that he is still rated relevant enough to be invited to a national event.
* Khaw Boon Wan promised to "caw" like a wu-ya (black crow) at the conference to counter all the bull from citizenry's "cow-peh, cow-bu" (grumbles and grouses) over his $8 cash heart surgery in Class A hospital ward.
* Yacoob Ibrahim pooh-poohed at the thoroughly wet invitation card as he only attends such conferences "once in 50 years" to ensure that he "reads the right things".
* K Shanmugam cleverly pointed out that "national conference" was an oxymoron because "we are not a country".
* Lim Swee Say took pains to explain that although - like the little frog in the parliamentary anecdote - he was "deaf to all criticisms" that might be raised at the conference, it'd be "betterer" just to show his face. Why? In case "sway-sway" (misfortune strikes) at the conference when others realize that he is clearly not "cheaper, better and faster" at anything ..... except swiping toothpicks after the conference dinner (and possibly "carrying balls" in the conference room).
* Vivian Balakrishnan wasn't so sure as he may be late because he has proven his ability to bust project timeline (eg, Singapore Sports Hub). Also, based on his other skill in exceeding project budget (eg, Youth Olympic Games), he demanded to know if he could be paid an extra $1/day to match what he generously bestowed on Public Welfare recipients - never mind that it would be on top of his $2mn ministerial salary and $16k monthly MP allowance.
* Lim Hng Kiang asked if he should do up his hair to preempt any hair-raising moments during the conference.
* Teo Chee Hean said "what do you think" when giving his RSVP to the invitation.
* Lui Tuck Wing justified that "the purpose of holding a conference is not to meet and discuss the issues at hand" - in much the same way that "the purpose of fare increases is not to boost the short term profits of Public Transport Operators" although he couldn't explain the accounting entries of where the extra income would show up in the financials.
* Heng Swee Keat protested that he has already done his duty by chairing one round of "National Con" and he doesn't need another round to con the already "daft" Singaporeans, as described by his mentor.
* Chan Chun Sing asserted that he'd totally support the national conference by doing "kee-chiu" (hands-up) and ... nothing else, of course.
* Tan Chuan Jin promised to create a "Eureka" moment at the national conference to declare that "money in CPF account is our money" when all of us already knew that fact since 1955 (way before he was born). He still doesn't get it when all we want to know is why we still can't take out our own $$$ after saving it in CPF account for so long up to age 55.
* Lawrence Wong is perpetually more "blur" (clueless) than Ting-a-ling as he can't even manage to copy-cat her swift repartee of "I dunno what to say" in between his confounding Cheshire Cat grins.
* Ng Eng Hen blamed the attendees for the rising cost of holding such conferences because they aspire to "more and more things". It has never remotely occurred to him as a brilliant eye surgeon amongst the top 20% social stratum that he and his colleagues have passed laws/public policies which caused the Cost of Living to rocket beyond affordability for the bottom 80%.
* Tharman suggested extending the conference invitations to all families with $1,000 monthly income as they too can become real estate owners with a 99-year stake in the national conference. Never mind that the $1,000 may be needed to feed a family of 3 mouths for an entire month because the good minister must surely be better at Mathematics as our Finance Minister to outstretch that $1,000 pay.
* Low Thia Khiang just gave a resoundingly "piaaak" slap to the Conference Chairman instead of calling or writing a RSVP to the invitation card - Action rather than Words, eh? And he ain't even from the People's Action Party ..... as the Irony of Life dawns upon you
A dig or political satire, as you will
Political Gathering
The greatest politicians of all time in Singapore were invited to a national conference:
* Lee Kuan Yew said nowadays he "bo-kuan" (cannot control) as an octogenarian MP even though he would never ever "repent" for making his 1G PAP colleagues step down before age 60 for "renewal" purposes (eg, Toh Chin Chye, Ong Pang Boon, etc).
* Lee Hsien Loong declined the invitation as he is very "sian" (lost interest) after expending all his energies "fixing the Opposition" and he "mai lee" (don't want to get involved) because he also "mee siam mai hum" (sans cockles for a local vermicelli dish that is never served with cockles to start with).
* Goh Chok Tong was gaping like a goldfish as he sputtered that he "kena chokked diok" (got electric-shocked) that he is still rated relevant enough to be invited to a national event.
* Khaw Boon Wan promised to "caw" like a wu-ya (black crow) at the conference to counter all the bull from citizenry's "cow-peh, cow-bu" (grumbles and grouses) over his $8 cash heart surgery in Class A hospital ward.
* Yacoob Ibrahim pooh-poohed at the thoroughly wet invitation card as he only attends such conferences "once in 50 years" to ensure that he "reads the right things".
* K Shanmugam cleverly pointed out that "national conference" was an oxymoron because "we are not a country".
* Lim Swee Say took pains to explain that although - like the little frog in the parliamentary anecdote - he was "deaf to all criticisms" that might be raised at the conference, it'd be "betterer" just to show his face. Why? In case "sway-sway" (misfortune strikes) at the conference when others realize that he is clearly not "cheaper, better and faster" at anything ..... except swiping toothpicks after the conference dinner (and possibly "carrying balls" in the conference room).
* Vivian Balakrishnan wasn't so sure as he may be late because he has proven his ability to bust project timeline (eg, Singapore Sports Hub). Also, based on his other skill in exceeding project budget (eg, Youth Olympic Games), he demanded to know if he could be paid an extra $1/day to match what he generously bestowed on Public Welfare recipients - never mind that it would be on top of his $2mn ministerial salary and $16k monthly MP allowance.
* Lim Hng Kiang asked if he should do up his hair to preempt any hair-raising moments during the conference.
* Teo Chee Hean said "what do you think" when giving his RSVP to the invitation.
* Lui Tuck Wing justified that "the purpose of holding a conference is not to meet and discuss the issues at hand" - in much the same way that "the purpose of fare increases is not to boost the short term profits of Public Transport Operators" although he couldn't explain the accounting entries of where the extra income would show up in the financials.
* Heng Swee Keat protested that he has already done his duty by chairing one round of "National Con" and he doesn't need another round to con the already "daft" Singaporeans, as described by his mentor.
* Chan Chun Sing asserted that he'd totally support the national conference by doing "kee-chiu" (hands-up) and ... nothing else, of course.
* Tan Chuan Jin promised to create a "Eureka" moment at the national conference to declare that "money in CPF account is our money" when all of us already knew that fact since 1955 (way before he was born). He still doesn't get it when all we want to know is why we still can't take out our own $$$ after saving it in CPF account for so long up to age 55.
* Lawrence Wong is perpetually more "blur" (clueless) than Ting-a-ling as he can't even manage to copy-cat her swift repartee of "I dunno what to say" in between his confounding Cheshire Cat grins.
* Ng Eng Hen blamed the attendees for the rising cost of holding such conferences because they aspire to "more and more things". It has never remotely occurred to him as a brilliant eye surgeon amongst the top 20% social stratum that he and his colleagues have passed laws/public policies which caused the Cost of Living to rocket beyond affordability for the bottom 80%.
* Tharman suggested extending the conference invitations to all families with $1,000 monthly income as they too can become real estate owners with a 99-year stake in the national conference. Never mind that the $1,000 may be needed to feed a family of 3 mouths for an entire month because the good minister must surely be better at Mathematics as our Finance Minister to outstretch that $1,000 pay.
* Low Thia Khiang just gave a resoundingly "piaaak" slap to the Conference Chairman instead of calling or writing a RSVP to the invitation card - Action rather than Words, eh? And he ain't even from the People's Action Party ..... as the Irony of Life dawns upon you
1. The average frequency for sex is two times per week
A Durex survey outlined that the average number of times people have sex is 103 times per year, 1.98 times per week and 0.28 times per day! Incorporating sex into your life does have its benefits, including stress relief and increased energy, but there is no right or wrong quota you need to hit – we're not all bunny rabbits!
2. Heavier men last longer in bed
Put down the weights and grab a hamburger: Researchers in Turkey have finished a yearlong study that correlated body mass index with male sexual performance. Their findings may surprise you: Heavier men were able to make love for an average of 7.3 minutes, while slender men lasted an average of 108 seconds. The study, published in Nature, showed that overweight men had higher levels of the female estradiol hormone, which blocks male hormones and delays the climax.
3. Oral sex could be a cure for morning sickness
One academic is proposing a cure for morning sickness that some moms-to-be might find in bad taste — sperm. Gordon Gallup, a psychologist at SUNY-Albany has a theory that pregnant women who are continually exposed to the father's semen are less likely to suffer from AM nausea. Gallup, who specializes in human reproductive competition and behavior, offers the theory that expectant women become ill and vomit because their bodies are rejecting the semen's genetic material as something foreign and unfamiliar. The theory could feasibly quell their queasiness by ingesting the same sperm in order to allow the body to build up a tolerance. The idea, while likely appealing to dads, is only a theory and has yet to be tested.
4. Sex cures headaches
If you think sex can't be had due to a headache, how wrong you are, at least according to headache specialist Dr. Vincent Martin. Amazingly, it's just the opposite. Martin stated that the increase in serotonin levels which happens during sex eases the pathways in the brain that can lead to and sustain a headache.
Now, this isn't to say that sex is the answer to all headaches or there would be massive tardiness in the corporate world every day. However, with the act itself being quite a bit more powerful than popping a few ibuprofen or aspirin, perhaps this new headache cure will be tested soon by, well, many.
5. Scratching your ankle feels as good as sex
The old phrase ‘You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours' may need updating. The ankle has overtaken the back as the most satisfying spot to scratch, according to researchers at the Wake Forest School of Medicine in North Carolina. In the study, reported in the British Journal of Dermatology, healthy volunteers were made to itch on the forearm, ankle and back by rubbing them with cowhage, a plant with tiny hairs that irritate the skin. Professor Francis McGlone, a member of the International Forum for the Study of Itch, said, "It was interesting that the ankle was the itchiest site and that the most pleasure came from scratching it, because the back has been well-known as a preferred site for scratching."
6. Men think about sleep & food as much as sex
Men think about sex every seven seconds, right? Not according to a new study that finds men ponder sleep and food as much as they do sex. The study found that the median number of thoughts about sex by college-age men was 18 times a day to women's 10 times a day. But the men also thought about food and sleep proportionately more.
7. Finger length may indicate penis size
Hold up your right hand. Are your index and ring fingers mismatched? Congratulations, you're more likely than men with matching digits to have a long penis. A smaller ratio between the second and fourth fingers is linked to a longer stretched penis size, researchers report in the Asian Journal of Andrology. The findings go beyond providing a new finger ratio-based pick-up line for men in bars, however; researchers say that a quick look at a man's fingers could reveal his exposure to male hormones in the womb, providing a hint about his risk for hormone-driven diseases like prostate cancer.
8. Female orgasm is a form of natural selection
Orgasm is an evolutionary function of nature. In 1967, a man named Desmond Morris wrote a controversial book called "The Naked Ape." The book looked at the female orgasm, suggesting that its purpose was to not only encourage interest in sexual activity, but also to promote exhaustion to encourage her to remain in the horizontal position (preventing sperm from leaking out). He also suggested that women's difficulty in attaining orgasm with men was, in fact, a form of natural selection. Only the most patient, caring, and imaginative men (considered preferred traits) would have the best chance of eliciting an orgasm, and thus successfully conceiving a child.
9. Vibrators were used as medical treatment during the 19th century
According to the Museum of Sex, the vibrator was originally used as a medicinal treatment for female "hysteria" during the 19th century. The vibrator-induced orgasms helped doctors dissipate hysteria's anxiety-related symptoms.
10. 25% of men over 65 use the magic blue pill
According to the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases, approximately 5 percent of 40-year-old men and between 15 to 25 percent of 65-year-old men experience erectile dysfunction.
Another interesting fact about middle age sex is that 46 percent of people over 50 claim to have sex once a week. 85 per cent feel that sex at a more mature age is less pressurized than when they were teens or young adults, suggesting that sex can get better with age (like many things in life).
A Durex survey outlined that the average number of times people have sex is 103 times per year, 1.98 times per week and 0.28 times per day! Incorporating sex into your life does have its benefits, including stress relief and increased energy, but there is no right or wrong quota you need to hit – we're not all bunny rabbits!
2. Heavier men last longer in bed
Put down the weights and grab a hamburger: Researchers in Turkey have finished a yearlong study that correlated body mass index with male sexual performance. Their findings may surprise you: Heavier men were able to make love for an average of 7.3 minutes, while slender men lasted an average of 108 seconds. The study, published in Nature, showed that overweight men had higher levels of the female estradiol hormone, which blocks male hormones and delays the climax.
3. Oral sex could be a cure for morning sickness
One academic is proposing a cure for morning sickness that some moms-to-be might find in bad taste — sperm. Gordon Gallup, a psychologist at SUNY-Albany has a theory that pregnant women who are continually exposed to the father's semen are less likely to suffer from AM nausea. Gallup, who specializes in human reproductive competition and behavior, offers the theory that expectant women become ill and vomit because their bodies are rejecting the semen's genetic material as something foreign and unfamiliar. The theory could feasibly quell their queasiness by ingesting the same sperm in order to allow the body to build up a tolerance. The idea, while likely appealing to dads, is only a theory and has yet to be tested.
4. Sex cures headaches
If you think sex can't be had due to a headache, how wrong you are, at least according to headache specialist Dr. Vincent Martin. Amazingly, it's just the opposite. Martin stated that the increase in serotonin levels which happens during sex eases the pathways in the brain that can lead to and sustain a headache.
Now, this isn't to say that sex is the answer to all headaches or there would be massive tardiness in the corporate world every day. However, with the act itself being quite a bit more powerful than popping a few ibuprofen or aspirin, perhaps this new headache cure will be tested soon by, well, many.
5. Scratching your ankle feels as good as sex
The old phrase ‘You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours' may need updating. The ankle has overtaken the back as the most satisfying spot to scratch, according to researchers at the Wake Forest School of Medicine in North Carolina. In the study, reported in the British Journal of Dermatology, healthy volunteers were made to itch on the forearm, ankle and back by rubbing them with cowhage, a plant with tiny hairs that irritate the skin. Professor Francis McGlone, a member of the International Forum for the Study of Itch, said, "It was interesting that the ankle was the itchiest site and that the most pleasure came from scratching it, because the back has been well-known as a preferred site for scratching."
6. Men think about sleep & food as much as sex
Men think about sex every seven seconds, right? Not according to a new study that finds men ponder sleep and food as much as they do sex. The study found that the median number of thoughts about sex by college-age men was 18 times a day to women's 10 times a day. But the men also thought about food and sleep proportionately more.
7. Finger length may indicate penis size
Hold up your right hand. Are your index and ring fingers mismatched? Congratulations, you're more likely than men with matching digits to have a long penis. A smaller ratio between the second and fourth fingers is linked to a longer stretched penis size, researchers report in the Asian Journal of Andrology. The findings go beyond providing a new finger ratio-based pick-up line for men in bars, however; researchers say that a quick look at a man's fingers could reveal his exposure to male hormones in the womb, providing a hint about his risk for hormone-driven diseases like prostate cancer.
8. Female orgasm is a form of natural selection
Orgasm is an evolutionary function of nature. In 1967, a man named Desmond Morris wrote a controversial book called "The Naked Ape." The book looked at the female orgasm, suggesting that its purpose was to not only encourage interest in sexual activity, but also to promote exhaustion to encourage her to remain in the horizontal position (preventing sperm from leaking out). He also suggested that women's difficulty in attaining orgasm with men was, in fact, a form of natural selection. Only the most patient, caring, and imaginative men (considered preferred traits) would have the best chance of eliciting an orgasm, and thus successfully conceiving a child.
9. Vibrators were used as medical treatment during the 19th century
According to the Museum of Sex, the vibrator was originally used as a medicinal treatment for female "hysteria" during the 19th century. The vibrator-induced orgasms helped doctors dissipate hysteria's anxiety-related symptoms.
10. 25% of men over 65 use the magic blue pill
According to the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases, approximately 5 percent of 40-year-old men and between 15 to 25 percent of 65-year-old men experience erectile dysfunction.
Another interesting fact about middle age sex is that 46 percent of people over 50 claim to have sex once a week. 85 per cent feel that sex at a more mature age is less pressurized than when they were teens or young adults, suggesting that sex can get better with age (like many things in life).
Scientific Explanations !!!
Love Sexy & Naughty Mails ? Click Here to Join our Group!
During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class,
" Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and replied,
"That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."
The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded,
"Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?"
Little Johnny countered by saying,
"That's because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls."
Seems logical to me
Love Sexy & Naughty Mails ? Click Here to Join our Group!
During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class,
" Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and replied,
"That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."
The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded,
"Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?"
Little Johnny countered by saying,
"That's because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls."
Seems logical to me
REAL Home Truths...!
1.How BEDROOM smells
After MARRIAGE:
1st 3 yrs---Perfumes, Flowers,Chocolate,Fruits..
After 3 yrs---Baby powder,Johnson's, Baby creams, Lotions,Baby oils..,
After 15 yrs---Zandu Balm,Vicks,Iodex,Relispray..
After 40 yrs---Agarbatti..., incense.
2. Four stages of marriage:
Mad for each other,
Made for each other,
Mad at each other
Mad because of each other
3. What's Marriage?
Answer- MARRIAGE Is The 7th Sense of Humans
That Destroys All The Six Senses
And Makes The Person NON Sense..!
4. Definition Of Happy Couple -
HE Does What SHE Wants…
SHE Does What SHE Wants.
5. Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.
Husband: Exactly darling! its a computer, not a Husband!!!
AND FINALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT TRUTHS
6. Mistakes
"Laughing At Your Own Mistakes, Can Lengthen Your Life."- by Shakespear
"Laughing At Your Wife's Mistakes,Can Shorten Your Life."- by Shakespear's Wife
WISHING YOU ALL THE BEST IN LIFE!!!!
1.How BEDROOM smells
After MARRIAGE:
1st 3 yrs---Perfumes, Flowers,Chocolate,Fruits..
After 3 yrs---Baby powder,Johnson's, Baby creams, Lotions,Baby oils..,
After 15 yrs---Zandu Balm,Vicks,Iodex,Relispray..
After 40 yrs---Agarbatti..., incense.
2. Four stages of marriage:
Mad for each other,
Made for each other,
Mad at each other
Mad because of each other
3. What's Marriage?
Answer- MARRIAGE Is The 7th Sense of Humans
That Destroys All The Six Senses
And Makes The Person NON Sense..!
4. Definition Of Happy Couple -
HE Does What SHE Wants…
SHE Does What SHE Wants.
5. Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.
Husband: Exactly darling! its a computer, not a Husband!!!
AND FINALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT TRUTHS
6. Mistakes
"Laughing At Your Own Mistakes, Can Lengthen Your Life."- by Shakespear
"Laughing At Your Wife's Mistakes,Can Shorten Your Life."- by Shakespear's Wife
WISHING YOU ALL THE BEST IN LIFE!!!!
No Nativity Scene in Canberra this year!!
No Nativity Scene in Canberra this Year.
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the nation's Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra ..
The search for a Virgin continues.....
There was no problem, however, finding enough donkeys to fill the stable
No Nativity Scene in Canberra this Year.
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the nation's Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra ..
The search for a Virgin continues.....
There was no problem, however, finding enough donkeys to fill the stable
The Official Drinking Chronicles - from the Dec 1998 issue of The Bayon Pearnik
0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2- Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of chips. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of chips one by one.
5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.
6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.
7- Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.
8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9- Headache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10- Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11- Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.
12- Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2- Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of chips. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of chips one by one.
5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.
6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.
7- Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.
8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9- Headache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10- Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11- Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.
12- Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
Last edited:
Still valid as ever :p Your re-statement appreciated.
And for rest contributors (near mis-spell as cUntributors), have a jolly xmas :p
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