Koala (it's technically, not a bear) icon, but store owned by bloke called Panda? :p
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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
Some xmas cheer :p
Hahaha this one is good.
Religions?
I decided to go to the mixed religion seminar for the first time.
I sat down and then the Catholic Priest came up to me, laid his hands on my head and said "By the will of God the Almighty and Jesus Christ, you will walk today".
I told him I was not paralysed.
Then came the pentecostal minister and laid his hands on me and said “By the will of God the Almighty, you will walk today'.
Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
Then came the Muslim Imam and laid his hands on me and said “By the will of Allah the Almighty, you will walk today'.
Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
Then came The Buddhist monk and laid his hands on me and said “By the will of Buddha, you will walk today'.
Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers and sermons, I stepped outside and lo and behold, my bike had been stolen.
I decided to go to the mixed religion seminar for the first time.
I sat down and then the Catholic Priest came up to me, laid his hands on my head and said "By the will of God the Almighty and Jesus Christ, you will walk today".
I told him I was not paralysed.
Then came the pentecostal minister and laid his hands on me and said “By the will of God the Almighty, you will walk today'.
Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
Then came the Muslim Imam and laid his hands on me and said “By the will of Allah the Almighty, you will walk today'.
Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
Then came The Buddhist monk and laid his hands on me and said “By the will of Buddha, you will walk today'.
Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers and sermons, I stepped outside and lo and behold, my bike had been stolen.
Ole was hunting geese, up in the Minnesota woods.
He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind, to take a leak.
As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over.
It went off, and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin!
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there
was his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Ole, I got some good news. And, I got some bad news.
Da good news, is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to
your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove
all of da buckshot."
"What's the bad news?", asks Ole.
"The bad news, is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage,
done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister, a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis
Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers,
so you don't piss in your eye!"
He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind, to take a leak.
As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over.
It went off, and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin!
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there
was his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Ole, I got some good news. And, I got some bad news.
Da good news, is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to
your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove
all of da buckshot."
"What's the bad news?", asks Ole.
"The bad news, is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage,
done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister, a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis
Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers,
so you don't piss in your eye!"
One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...
Teacher : What kind of wife do you like Johnny?
Johnny : I want a wife like the moon...
Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm
like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to come at night and disappear in the morning....
Teacher : What kind of wife do you like Johnny?
Johnny : I want a wife like the moon...
Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm
like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to come at night and disappear in the morning....
Jabu walked into class every morning with a black eye . After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.
Jabu's answer was: "Our house is very small, Miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep On the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Jabu are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a Black eye."
So, the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer".
The following morning Jabu comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief.
But the day after that Jabu comes back with a severe black eye again.
"My goodness Jabu, why the black eye again?"
He tells her: "Mam, Dad asked me again, 'Jabu are you sleeping?... and I shut up and kept dead still.
Then my father and my mother started moving{you know} at the same time Mom was breathing erratically,
kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"...
Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you coming?'
Then my mom says, 'Mmm ..... Yes, yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Ooh, ... Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me so i said 'Wait for me......... Wait for me .........
Jabu's answer was: "Our house is very small, Miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep On the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Jabu are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a Black eye."
So, the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer".
The following morning Jabu comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief.
But the day after that Jabu comes back with a severe black eye again.
"My goodness Jabu, why the black eye again?"
He tells her: "Mam, Dad asked me again, 'Jabu are you sleeping?... and I shut up and kept dead still.
Then my father and my mother started moving{you know} at the same time Mom was breathing erratically,
kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"...
Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you coming?'
Then my mom says, 'Mmm ..... Yes, yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Ooh, ... Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me so i said 'Wait for me......... Wait for me .........
This is a SCREAM !!!
Malaysia BOLEH la
Breaking news:
JAKIM's approved bakeries in Malaysia (those with Halal signs) are now forbidden to sell 'hot cross' buns as this type of buns is considered religiously inappropriate for Muslims.
Consumption of such buns might make Muslims less Islamic.
They've removed the cross & replaced it with a rope design, that is only one line across the bun, and are naming such buns
(you will love this! hahaha !).....
"TALIBUNS"
Malaysia BOLEH la
Breaking news:
JAKIM's approved bakeries in Malaysia (those with Halal signs) are now forbidden to sell 'hot cross' buns as this type of buns is considered religiously inappropriate for Muslims.
Consumption of such buns might make Muslims less Islamic.
They've removed the cross & replaced it with a rope design, that is only one line across the bun, and are naming such buns
(you will love this! hahaha !).....
"TALIBUNS"
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
Happy new year to all visiting here :p
Good advice to drink. Get smart!.
Well you see, it's like this...
A herd of buffalos can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo?
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only work as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know,excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, my dear friend, is why you always feel smarter after a few drinks.
Good advice to drink. Get smart!.
Well you see, it's like this...
A herd of buffalos can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo?
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only work as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know,excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, my dear friend, is why you always feel smarter after a few drinks.
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