Jokes for laugh

[super_kindaichi]

Cha Shao Bao was walking along the street with Dou Sa Bao.
Dao Sa Bao's mum saw them and intend to cross the road and say hi.
As she crossing, Dou Sa Bao's mum got hit by a car and die on the spot.

At the funeral, the son, Do Sa Bao was sad.
While Cha Shao Bao was crying like non-stop and seem more like its her mother.

Do you know why?

Ans: Cause Cha Shao Bao have filling inside one.

 

[super_kindaichi]

Next day when Da Bao came to the funeral, he was laughing non-stop.
Everyone hated him and want to bash him up.
But Dou Sa Bao understand and explain to them, that why this is happening.

Do you know why?

Ans: Cause he has mix filling.

 

[super_kindaichi]

Started with two jokes, maybe its not really funny.
But hope that at least it cheer you up a bit.

I know that you all can do a much better jobs than me.

So hope to see all of you sharing your jokes k.

So that even when we feel low, we can always come here and have a good laugh. :p

 

[Wizard69]

An 80 year old man rushed into the doctor's office and said "Doctor, I have been seeing this gorgeous 20 year old and I really need to lower my sex drive."

"What do you want to do that for?" the doctor replied "a man your age should be grateful if you could even get it up!"

The man replied "you don't understand. I need to lower it from my big head to my small head"

 

[VBScripts]

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder machine with a piece of paper in his hand.

'Listen,' said the CEO, 'this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?' 'Certainly,' said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

'Excellent, excellent!' said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. 'I just need one copy.' !!!!!!!!!!!

Lesson: Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything

 

[VBScripts]

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the clerk at the window:

'I want to open a bloody bank account.' To which the astonished woman replies: 'I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?' 'Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a bloody bank account right now!'

'I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.' Having said this, the clerk leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: 'What seems to be the problem here?'

'There's no bloody problem, sonny,' the elderly man says. 'I just won 25 million pounds in the damn lottery and I want to open a bloody bank account in this f***ing bank!' 'I see,' says the manager thoughtfully. 'And you're saying that this bitch here is giving you a hard time?'

Lesson: If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything

 

[VBScripts]

An American and Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, 'What kind of ese are you?'

Confused, the Japanese replied, 'Sorry but I don't understand what you mean.' The American repeated, 'What kind of -ese are you?' Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, 'What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese,

Vietnamese!, etc......???' The Japanese then replied, 'Oh, I am Japanese.'

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind of 'key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, 'What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?!' The Japanese said, 'Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?'

Lesson: Never insult anyone

 

[VBScripts]

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a British and French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, 'Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of
water to become, then your wish will come true.' The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted 'WINE'. The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted,' VODKA' and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, 'BEER'. He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the British. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!..........'

Lesson: Think twice before you say something, because sometimes what you say accidentally does happen

 

[VBScripts]

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, 'Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each' So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. 'Pfufffff, and he was gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted ' I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.

'Pfufffff, and he was also gone. The boss calmly said, 'I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch'

Lesson: Always allow the bosses to speak first

 

[VBScripts]

The Rude Customer:

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was canceled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address micro-phone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

 

[Wang Ye]

Hello uncle VBScripts! Long time no see!

 

[VBScripts]

Hello uncle VBScripts! Long time no see!

Hey Hi Bro Wang Ye, how are you getting on? long time never meet up liao

As usual I am busy at work, but hardly work except moving around the region Hope you are fine and healthy.

 

[Wang Ye]

Hey Hi Bro Wang Ye, how are you getting on? long time never meet up liao

As usual I am busy at work, but hardly work except moving around the region Hope you are fine and healthy.

Still surviving! Things could be better but you know life. Likewise hope you are doing well too uncle VB!

 

[SammyHulk]

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LYRICS (So You Can Understand it)
I need a double cheeseburger and hold the lettuce
Don't be frontin' son no seeds on a bun
We be up in this drive thru
Order for two
I gots a craving for a number nine like my shoe
We need some chicken up in here
In this dizzle
For rizzle my nizzle
Extra salt on the frizzle
Dr. Pepper my brother
Another for your mother
Double double super size
And don't forget the FRIES...

 

[SammyHulk]

Top 5 Excuses When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."

 

[SammyHulk]

Hilarious Ebay Feedbacks

POSITIVE: Item shipped quickly, have been having erotic dreams about seller. Thanks!

POSITIVE: Thanks for great Rainbow Brite lunchbox. Should shrunken head be inside?

NEUTRAL: Excellent communication, but should've poked holes in box before shipping the kitten. Refunded.

NEGATIVE: Despite indication in listing, I could not fit item into any of my body cavities.

NEGATIVE: Honda R-Type sticker did not add horsepower as advertised.

NEUTRAL: Item shipped promptly and in good condition, but I should not have to bid on birthday presents from my parents.

POSITIVE: I don't really remember what I ordered. But I've been sitting in the box it came in all day, and it's great!

NEGATIVE: Product didn't work, possibly broken. I woke up this morning and was disappointed to find I still believe in Jesus Christ our Savior. :(

POSITIVE: Excellent Buyer. A++++++. Thrilled by the quartz movement of the "Rolex". HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

NEGATIVE: Should have been clearer that seller only accepts payment in Bhats via Eastern Union Moneygram.

POSITIVE: Plain brown packaging seemed to fool my wife. Thanks!

NEGATIVE: The dog won't hunt.

NEGATIVE: Very nice monkey mascot costume, but it's a size 34, not a 63 as advertised.

NEGATIVE: Lederhosen not as pink as the picture led me to believe.

POSITIVE: A+++++. Items are exactly as described. Best case of kalashnikovs I've ever bought. Allah Akbar!

NEGATIVE: This is clearly the ninth, NOT THE SIXTH, repackaging of Mad Super Special #24.

POSITIVE: One of the scents mixed in with the packing peanuts remind me of a passionate weekend in Rio... was that you?

POSITIVE: The way you wrote my zip-code makes me weak in the knees. Such smooth strokes. A+!

NEGATIVE: Though you did nothing wrong, I am giving you this negative feedback to teach you that the universe is arbitrary and unfair.

NEGATIVE: Buying this Space 1999 Lunchbox did not fill the void in my empty life for as long as I'd hoped.

 

[SammyHulk]

Stop Clapping!

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet ...

'Well, f -- ckin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!'

 

[SammyHulk]

Famous Comedian Quotes

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’ (Jay Leno)

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. (Roseanne )

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. (Steve Martin)

Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love . (Woody Allen)

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. (Woody Allen)

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic. (Woody Allen)

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. (George Carlin)

Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac! (George Carlin)

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. (Dave Chappelle )

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it. (Dave Chappelle )

A word to the wise ain’t necessary - it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. (Bill Cosby )

To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing. (Billy Crystal )

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five. (Steven Wright )

Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car. (Carrie Snow )

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup. (Eddie Izzard )

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight. (George Gobel)

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. (George Carlin)

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.(Jerry Seinfeld)

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. (Chris Rock )

 

[SammyHulk]

Sherlock Mum

Michael invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Michael's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Michael and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Michael and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Michael volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Joanne came to Michael and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle," said Joanne. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?".

"Well," said Michael, "I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Joanne, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Joanne. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

 

[SammyHulk]

Controversial Jokes

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, "well stop clicking your fingers!"

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies, only I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squeal, but not to the cops".

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.