In step

[RiverOL]

The 2 Things Missing from Motherhood Today​

There are lots of us mommies out there, and yet we can feel so alone in our mothering. Why is that?

I think most of us are afraid. We’re scared that we are the only one whose kid isn’t hitting the milestone. We hide our face and cringe as our children seem to be the only kids who don’t sit quietly in the shopping cart while we shop for groceries. We cry alone in our pantries and tell ourselves that we aren’t cut out to be good moms, and then we dry our eyes and put on a smile for the friends coming over for dinner. When asked if we are okay, we’ll say “Yes”, but inside our hearts, we know that’s not the truth and wonder if we’re the only mom who is struggling.

The truth is none of us is the “only mom”, but we’re too afraid and embarrassed to admit it. So, we continue to play the game. We continue to put on the smile and act like we’ve got it all together when we’re falling apart inside and questioning every decision we make as a mom. We refuse to tell our friends the honest truth that being a mom is so much harder than we ever thought it would be, and some days, we feel like we’re losing our marbles and question our ability to effectively parent our rambunctious kiddos. Read “Confessions of a Crazy Mom” for more on this.

Something is missing in motherhood as a whole. There needs to be a sisterhood among mothers, and there are two things that can bridge this gap:
HONESTY and AUTHENTICITY.
We need more of this in our lives, Sweet Mamas. We might read and even share some blogs on Facebook and Pinterest about the crazy days of motherhood. But, when it comes to our own lives, we often refuse to open up about our struggle to other moms, because we don’t want to be judged. And, this holds us back from truly embracing and even celebrating the amazing journey of motherhood…with all its highs and lows.

What if we stopped acting like our kids are perfect, and instead, we owned up to the fact that our little angels are quite frankly hard to deal with at times? Instead of killing ourselves and our relationship with our kids over trying to appear like the “perfect family,” lets embrace our strengths and own up to our weaknesses. This doesn’t mean we’re going to settle for mediocrity or fail to set high expectations; it just means that we’re going to stop beating ourselves up because we feel like failures all the time. Read “To the mom or dad who feels like a failure today,” for more on this. It means we are going to stop comparing ourselves and our kiddos to a non-existent ideal.

Let’s not be Stepford wives and moms…seemingly strong, beautiful, and perfect, but truly fragile and even empty inside.
Instead, let’s embrace our authentic and honest motherhood experience.
It’s messy, crazy, exciting, wonderful, laughable, frustrating, tiring, and so much more all rolled into one. It’s sticky hands, clogged toilets, dances in the rain, goose eggs on the forehead, and lots of tickles. It’s bringing home a bad report card but making the winning touchdown on the same day. It’s teenage angst mixed with heartfelt conversations over dinner. It’s eating breakfast together and laughing until milk pours out your nostrils. It’s your toddler spilling his drink for the 4,557th time. It’s terrifyingly magical and magnificent. It’s exhausting in the best way. It’s…an ongoing, work in progress kind of calling like nothing else on Earth.

That’s real motherhood.
Sweet Mama, you are not the only one. Every mom experiences struggles and triumphs. It’s part of the beautiful calling of motherhood. Stop listening to the lie that you are not enough. When God brought your precious kiddos into your life, He equipped you in every way. This doesn’t mean you aren’t going to make mistakes or that your children will never disrespect you. But, it does mean that with God’s help, you will fulfill your calling as a mama.

Let’s stop being afraid that we’re the “only mom who…”. We don’t play that game anymore, Sweet Mama. It’s one we will lose every time. The next time we start to doubt ourselves or wonder if we’re all alone in our struggle as a mother, let’s pick up the phone, call a fellow mom friend, and have an open and honest conversation. Authenticity and honesty among friends gives us perspective and the hope to carry on.

 

[RiverOL]

The Rose That Wanted to Be a Lily​

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful garden. The master gardener had carefully laid out every detail of the garden, interspersing different types of flowers and colors to create a magnificent, year-round display of breathtaking wonder that testified to his wisdom and care. The garden had roses and lilies and baby’s breath and daisies and so much more–too many flowers to name. And the gardener took care of each plant perfectly.

Now, the plants didn’t always like being taken care of. They didn’t like when the gardener pruned them. It hurt! They didn’t understand that they needed pruned in order to grow bigger and stronger.
...every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. John 15:2 (ESV)

Petal was one flower in this garden–a rose to be exact. She’d grown strong and sturdy under the gardener’s wise care. She was planted where she had to endure the heat of the sunlight all day. Unbeknownst to her, that’s what made her grow so strong and bear such sweet flowers.

But one day, Petal noticed another flower that grew in the shade. Why do I have to endure all this heat while that flower doesn’t? she wondered. Petal didn’t understand that different flowers need different amounts of sunlight to grow, but the gardener knew all that. Rather than trusting him, though, Petal managed to pull up her roots and move herself to a different part of the garden where she could hide in the shade too. Ah, this is nice! she thought. Yet soon she began wilting, and her leaves turned yellow. She wasn’t designed for the shade. The gardener lovingly picked her up and put her back in a sunny spot.

“Ah, my dear Petal,” he said as he moved her. “I need you to bloom where I put you. Won’t you trust me? I know just the pruning and conditions each of my plants need.”
Jesus said to him, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!” John 21:22

Another time Petal noticed a small lily growing near her. Such beautiful flowers that lily has, she thought to herself. I wish my petals looked more like hers. And she doesn’t have any thorns…and she’s so dainty! I’m not dainty at all. Petal began trying to shrink her large branches to be more like the lily’s and started opening up her flowers earlier, hoping they’d look more like a lily’s.

Petal didn’t realize that her attempts to look more like a lily meant she was no longer filling the role in the garden she’d been planted to fill. The gardener had placed her in the garden to grow tall and strong and form an elegant backdrop for the smaller plants, but instead she was cowering and shedding her beautiful petals early.
“Ah, my dear Petal,” the gardener said as he straightened back up her branches. “Each flower is different and special for a reason. Won’t you trust me?”

For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. 6 Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; 7 if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness. Romans 12:4-8 (ESV)

 

[RiverOL]

Are You Lost in A Spiral of Distractions​

When the whole world was on lockdown in April of 2020, I saw a social media post that read something like this, “it’s like everyone in the world is finally getting a chance to be alone with their thoughts and we’ve decided, heck no, I’m gonna learn to make bread from scratch!”
One of the clearest symptoms of a life mired in victim mentality is our constant pursuit of distractions. We want noises to fill the void. We need menial tasks to distract us from the affect of our lack of meaningful ones. We want a temporary change of circumstance to prevent us from having to ponder what we are doing and why.



A couple months ago, I was reading The Count of Monte Cristo. A great book. Early on, when Dantes is in prison, there are a couple chapters about his great suffering. And there is one part that talks about how he longed to be moved to a different cell, even if it was smaller than his current one. Even if it was worse. Because at least it would give him a day or two of distraction, a reprieve from his constant misery.

A Spiral of Distractions​

Like Dantes, we often try to escape our miseries by wanting new and different (and maybe worse) miseries. A single person who wants badly to be in love decides to date someone they know is terrible for them. A troubled spouse seeks an extramarital relationship. We do all these things, even when we know they are bad for us, because we are addicted to distractions.
We tell ourselves they will help. But they don’t. Our distractions have consequences and soon we are (once again) hoping to change cells. That bad boyfriend becomes a string of bad boyfriends. That affair turns into a drinking or gambling problem.



We spiral deeper and deeper into the pit of distractions. Further from purpose, peace and joy. Our life becomes a desire to be distracted from our current miseries. In this context, people often lose their ability to assess reality, to discern their circumstances. It almost doesn’t matter to them what is good or bad, right or wrong, wise or foolish. They just need something to “get my mind off of things”.

The Sound of Salvation​

In The Count of Monte Cristo, this kind of thinking compounds Dantes’ misery. He is contemplating suicide and starting to lose his grip on reality. Then he hears the faint sound of someone digging. Turns out it is a fellow prisoner and the two begin to plan an escape together/form a life-saving friendship.
Dantes remains in prison for years after this. But he no longer wants a distraction – the thought of being moved now would break his heart. He is no longer contemplating suicide. Why?


Like all of us, what Dantes needed was a sense of purpose. He finds it in his escape plans and his friendship with the man in the cell next to him. It saves Dantes and drives the entire rest of the story.
You don’t need another distraction. You need a purpose you believe in. A real vision you can commit to, one that will invite you into peace and joy. Something that will help you understand you are living your story right where you are. You need Jesus Christ

 

[RiverOL]

Love Me, Love My Wife​

Today, I’m beginning to post some excerpts from my book: Love Me, Love My Wife: Ten Reasons Christians Must Join a Local Church.

I wrote the book before COVID, but it’s now more relevant than ever.
This first excerpt is from Chapter 1: The Church is the Bride of Jesus Christ



I happen, by the grace of God, to be married to a wonderful wife.
God has graced our lives with an amazing union that is a gift from Him. We have unity in our religious beliefs, child-training philosophies, love of beautiful creations, frugality, and many other things. Our lives are united and entwined in countless ways. And we practice loving each other, not just with romance but by doing good things for each other. Love is the Super Glue that holds us together.

So, you might understand how I would react if someone said to me, “Fr. Charles, I love you. I think you’re great. But you’ve got a real witch for a wife. She’s nothing but trouble, and I can’t stand to be around her. She’s the stupidest, ugliest, most unpleasant person I know, as well as being a hypocrite. I’m happy to talk with you on the phone or text you, but I’ll never enter into your house as long as she’s there.”
Love me, love my wife.

Now in this human analogy, there may actually be times where one spouse is pleasant and nice to hang out with and the other one is an absolute train wreck.
But this is not the case with God and His Bride, the Church.
For while God is perfect and we all know the Church is not, Jesus Christ has a special relationship with His Bride. This special relationship is what this book is all about and why you need to be an active member of a local church.
How do you think Jesus feels when we say that we love Him but also say we think very poorly of His Bride, the Church?

 

[RiverOL]

Doing Too Many Things?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day—Psalm 139:16​

There are twenty-four hours in every day. We wish for more. We often act as if there were more: stay at work a little longer; stay up a little later, cram a bit more in. No matter what we do, though . . . still only twenty-four. God’s set the length. He’s also set the absolute number of those twenty-four-hour days each of us will ever get. We often act, though, as if that too weren't settled, as if our earthly days might stretch on forever. They won’t: “Since his days are determined, and the number of his months is with you, and you have appointed his limits that he cannot pass” (Job 14:5). Our time is scarce—it’s limited and there’s less than we’d like. How we allocate it, therefore, how we run our calendars, matters. If we’re not intentional, external factors will govern the allocation: things that are more urgent will claim top priority. The problem is, urgent things aren’t always important things. In fact, many unimportant things become urgent if we let them: e.g., we sign up for something, maybe simply because someone asked us to or because everyone else is signing up, and its demands escalate and it begins to take too much time. This happens some and we default into calendars that don’t reflect our true priorities. We end up with days filled, but with the wrong things.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Look at your weekly calendar. Grab some paper. List the major items. Then sort it by importance (not urgency). What’s most important to you? Most important to God? Now, brother, begin to cut from the bottom, from what’s least important. Go up as far as you can. Cut what you can right now, and commit to phase out what you must, over time.

 

[RiverOL]

How to Reverse the Demand-Withdraw Dynamic in Relationships​

Many couples are stuck in an unfortunate vicious cycle where one partner become more distant as their partner steps up the intensity of his or her pursuits. Unfortunately, if this pattern isn’t reversed it can damage a relationship beyond repair and lead to breakup or divorce.

Kyla, 34, put it like this: “The more I ask Conner to hug me and be more affectionate, the more he pulls away and goes into his shell. I love him and we’ve talked about marriage but when Conner retreats, it makes me fear that things will end and then I start issuing ultimatums and feel like leaving.”


Conner, 37, reflects: “I love Kyla, but she can be pretty intense and when she demands more affection or time to talk, it feels like I’m being smothered, and I just want to be alone. My dad was the same way and it was a big issue in my parents’ marriage.”
While Kyla and Conner love each other and are committed to their relationship, over the last several years they are triggering one another’s emotional vulnerabilities.

Kyla’s fear of abandonment causes her to seek more contact when she needs reassurance or is feeling anxious, whereas Conner’s vulnerability is fear of entrapment, which causes him to withdraw and give her the silent treatment. The more Conner shuts down, the more Kyla pursues him, and the vicious cycle continues.
In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson explains that you can tell when one of your “raw spots” has been hit because there is a sudden shift in the emotional tone of the conversation. She explains, “You and your love were joking just a moment ago, but now one of you is upset or enraged, or, conversely, aloof or chilly. You are thrown off balance. It is as if the game changed and no one told you. The hurt partner is sending out new signals and the other tries to make sense of the change.”


For instance, when feelings of disconnection arise, instead of being vulnerable and sharing your true feelings, you might become demanding rather than asking for what you need. A demand-withdraw pattern then develops. According to Dr. Johnson, the longer this pattern persists, the more negative it becomes.
In The Science of Couples and Family Therapy: Behind the Scenes at the Love Lab, Dr. John Gottman’s research on thousands of couples, revealed that partners who get stuck in this pattern the first few years of marriage have more than an 80% chance of divorcing in the first four or five years.

Why is this relationship pattern so common? John Gottman found that men have a tendency to withdraw and women tend to pursue when they are in intimate relationships. Further, he explains that these tendencies are wired into our physiology and reflect a basic gender difference.
In his classic “Love Lab” observations, John Gottman noted that this pattern is extremely common and is a major contributor to marital breakdown. He also warns us that if it’s not changed, the pursuer-distancer pattern will persist into a second marriage or subsequent intimate relationships.


How to Cope with Triggers and Change the Demand-Withdraw Dynamic
The following is a list of four ways you can cope more effectively with extreme emotions such as anger and fear so that you will be able to be calmer and more reflective when you are feeling triggered and seek to either pursue your partner or withdraw from them.

• Focus on your breath. One thing is certain, your breath is always there with you and slow breathing can help you relax. Keep focusing on your in-breath and out-breath for a few minutes. Breathe in through your nose and exhale through your mouth as you count to ten. Thinking about a pleasant place can help you relax. Try imaging yourself in your favorite place. If your attention goes back to the triggering person or situation, pull your attention back to your breathing.
• Take a break. Remove yourself from the situation. Walk away for five minutes and cool down. If you’re speaking with someone, excuse yourself temporarily and say that you need to go to the bathroom or somewhere else. Return when you are feeling more centered and calmer.
• Ask yourself why you are being triggered. Your emotional triggers may have a way of blindsiding you. To offset this, ask yourself, “Why am I feeling so fearful or angry?” Understanding why you’re being triggered will help you to regain a sense of calmness, self-awareness, and control. For instance, do you fear abandonment because you were left as a child or betrayed by a former partner?Or, do you fear entrapment because you had a parent or partner who didn’t respect your boundaries?
• Do not ignore your feelings, but do not act on them. Trying to resist your feelings isn’t the solution. However, you can delay your emotional reactions. For instance, if you’re feeling enraged by your partner, instead of exploding at him or her, consciously set those feelings aside to experience and unleash later in a healthy way. You might choose to express this anger by screaming in your room or doing an intense workout. However, be very careful not to repress your emotions. There’s a fine line between consciously delaying your emotions and unconsciously suppressing them – eventually it’s a good idea to process what happened.

Healthy intimate relationships provide couples with a safe place for speaking out and voicing both positive and negative emotions without fear of negative consequences. Often, having gone through a divorce (your own but also your parents’) can leave you with a fear of failure in relationships. This fear may make it difficult to be vulnerable with an intimate partner.

If It’s Intense, It’s Your Own
When you feel intensely hurt or angry with your partner, it is common to want to blame them. It may seem obvious to you at that moment that your spouse is the person who needs to change. However, it’s often your own baggage that’s impacting your emotions.
According to marriage counselor Mona Barbera, Ph.D., author of Bring Yourself to Love, the truth about that kind of pain doesn’t come from your partner’s words or actions. In her cutting-edge book she explains, “As I like to tell my clients, if it’s intense, it’s your own.” Barbera explains that when you deal with your own internal pain, your partner won’t easily trigger an intense reaction when they do something that hurts or disappoints you.

It’s no wonder that many of the interactions between couples become deadlocked in the pursuer-distancer pattern. Partners can end up in a stalemate and are left feeling bitter and disillusioned about their marriage. Repair work begins with expressing your intent in a positive way and taking responsibility for your part in this negative cycle. This can be done by saying things like “I’d really appreciate it if you’d shop for groceries tonight since I’m have to work late and we don’t have much in the fridge.” Keep in mind that we all have flaws. True intimacy and love can be attained through examining your own part in a dynamic and spending more time listening than talking to your partner.

 

[RiverOL]

5 Signs Your Relationship Is Thriving​

We are always surprised when relationships don’t work out. It is a weird phenomena that a person we at one time wanted to spend all our time with suddenly warrants none of our time. It’s a dramatic and baffling shift.

There are a lot of things we tell ourselves to ease the blow. Excuses and reasons. Sometimes they are true. But while we are in a relationship, we never want to admit there might be a problem. We’re afraid we will jinx it if we do. Just as often, we have no idea whether what we are in is a healthy or unhealthy relationship. We’re too close to see clearly.


Relationships are made for thriving. They should not be things we are merely stuck in, but something that enriches our lives. Here are a few signs you have such a relationship.

1) Rare Interruptions​

It might sound like a small thing, but interrupting one another says a lot about the state of your relationship. When we are intimate with someone, we know all their stories. We know what happened to them this week and, by the time they’re telling friends their opinion on something, we’ve likely heard it all the way through at least once.
As a result, we get impatient when our spouses talk. The same goes for boyfriends and best friends, parents and siblings.

Interruptions say one thing: what I have to say is more valuable than what you are saying. Unhealthy relationships use their partner as a sort of prop, a set-up man. All we want is our turn to talk. Thriving relationships celebrate what the other has to say. Sometimes my wife will turn to me, when we are in a group, and ask what I think about the topic we’re discussing. Rare interruptions (and if you’re really showing off, passing the baton intentionally) indicate you care and value what your partner has to say (and by extension, who they are and what value they add to a group).


It is sad to see couples constantly talking over one another, fighting for their version of the story, their idea to be presented. Your role in a relationship is to highlight the insights of your partner, not shut them down.

2) The We Narrative (not make an adversary out of one another)​

Another thing we see often is couples making an adversary out of one another. She talks about his bad eating habits and smelly feet. He talks about her unnecessary spending and constant nagging.

This is indicative of a particular narrative, likely one you’ve passive-aggressively adopted at home and are looking to validate among friends (and strangers). He should be cleaner. She should spend less. The couple is competing for who is best.
A WE narrative is inclusive. It celebrates one another. Thriving relationships talk about the successes of all participants, not just ME.

3) Committed to a Third​

One of the lies we tell ourselves is that “we’ve just drifted apart”. Drifting does not happen in relationships. We follow what we are focused on. “Drifting” is like when we are looking at a Frisbee, focused in on the disk spinning through the sky. Wherever the thing we are focused on leads, our gaze (and our steps) will follow.

“Drifting” couples are focused on different things. It’s as if the same person threw two Frisbees, one with his left and one with his right. If we are focused on different things, we will drift in different directions.



Thriving couples need to name the Frisbee. We have to have a third point in the triangle, a vision we are heading toward together. It is the only way to ensure unity. Thriving couples know their vision, communicate it, and are intentional about drifting toward it together.

4) Vernacular​

There are few things more important to a relationship than communication. A thriving relationship naturally develops inside jokes, frequent sayings, and other communication shortcuts. A relationship is a living organism; it forms and adapts a unique identity as it grows.

Thriving relationships communicate with one another. It is a bit like an author finding “their voice”. It is more than words; it’s body-language, tone, and gestures. Many couples are speaking two different languages in their relationship. Thriving relationships have a language only they can fully appreciate.

5) Celebrate Variety​

It is not exactly easy to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, and raises. But it is relatively easy. We have been conditioned to celebrate circumstances.



But thriving relationships celebrate for no reason at all. I’m not talking about gifts or parties, although that helps. I’m talking about dancing in the kitchen while the water boils for pasta. The other day, both of us were lying in agony on our couch after an exhausting softball game and it ended in us laughing together about getting old. Thriving couples find a way to celebrate, even in tragedy. We lost a baby last year and even the sorrow has been a kind of celebration.

Because thriving relationships understand that everything is more beautiful when we are together. We can celebrate all kinds of circumstances and through all kinds of emotions by adopting a perspective of gratitude and thankfulness for the incredible gift of relationship.

 

[RiverOL]

The Doctrine of Followship: We Need to Do More Than Believe Jesus…We Need to Follow Him​

by Roland Wrinkle

Well-Worn Sandals​

Apparently, we have a peripatetic savior…and not a cross-legged guru on a hill. In the three short years narrated by the gospels, Jesus of Nazareth walked well over 3,000 miles. He was a man on the move. And he was a man of imminency and intention. Remember: “Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem” (Luke 9.51) and Mark’s notorious use of “immediately” (euthys or eutheos) (Mark uses this word more times, incidentally, than any other gospel account from his more long-winded brethren.)

Ernest Zacharias Platner/National Gallery of Art, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons
This constantly moving messiah was constantly moving because he wanted folks to follow him. He wanted to take the “ordinary” ikons, made by and in the image of, his Father, and turn them into a community, a family, of fervent and dedicated apostles, disciples, students and agape-ites, thereby launching the greatest social movement in human history.

And he wanted to do it by traipsing thousands of miles across harsh desserts, up and down daunting mountains, across raging waters, to and from big cities and isolated hamlets, so he could reach both enthralled masses and encounter furious mobs. He did it all so that people would follow him. And he did it all in sandals.
No wonder he was won over by the sinful woman who poignantly washed and perfumed his feet. Yet, notice what Jesus said to her immediately after her heartfelt supplication: “Because you believed, you are saved from your sins” (Luke 7.50). So, it sure seems to me that two things are going on here: Believing and Following. It also seems to me that much of popular Christianity has squashed the latter by over-promoting the former.

Believe? Yes.​

In verse after verse, the red letters cry out for the followers of Jesus to believe him. To believe in him. To believe in the nearness and majesty of the Kingdom of God. To believe he is the Son of God, the long-awaited restorative King of Israel and Creator of the Universe, the enigmatic Son of Man, the very image of the living God, the Savior of all of fallen Creation.
The writers of the canonized letters go on to expand upon the centrality of belief. “[The gospel] is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes” (Romans 1.16). After Jesus “utter[ed] things hidden since the creation of the world” (Matthew 13.34), the fact that there is no such animal as a nonbelieving Christian, is no longer hidden.

We Need to Believe, But We Also Need to Follow.​

Having said all of that, it seems to me that the whole of the New Testament advocates a perspective where belief is not an end (teleos) in and of itself – we tend to overread passages such as Romans 3.22, “This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe,” in a simplistic, tradition-supporting way – but stands as the necessary precondition to what Jesus is really after: having us follow him.


Jesus told Peter and Andrew, “Come, follow me, and I will send you out to fish for people” (Matthew 4.19). In other words, he told them to gather more followers! He told a second set of recruited siblings the same thing. He told an unnamed disciple (rather shockingly), “Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.” (Luke 9.59-60). He told Matthew to abandon his tax collector booth and “Follow me.” (Matthew 9.9).

He told the folks at Caesarea Philippi, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me” (Matthew 16.24). He told the Rich Young Ruler, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” And in the very next verse, “Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel” (Matthew 19.28).
All of these verses have precisely nothing to do with entering a celestial, ethereal, disembodied heaven upon bodily death, let alone the idea that the mere professed, intellectual assent to a particularized set of orthodox beliefs gains the confessor entry.

Yes, Jesus was big on belief, but he was even bigger on exhorting people to get in line and follow him. If you take all four gospels together, either Jesus says, “follow me” or the author says, “they followed him,” nearly a hundred times. He was too busy trying to tell the religious elite of his day that they needed to stop holding up the Hebrew Scriptures as a rule book and, instead, to keep in mind God’s reasons for the stories, which are justice, grace and mercy. It was more important to get your kid (or ox) out of a pit on Saturday than to keep the Sabbath (Luke 14.5).

Four centuries before Christ, God told Jeremiah to tell everyone else that, when He came back to restore all of creation and bring heaven and earth together, “I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts.” (Jer. 31.33). In other words, godly actions would follow from active habituation, not imposed legalism. The bible is an irresistible call to action.

When God called Abraham, he didn’t say, “You need to ascribe to these commandments, right principles and correct beliefs.” Instead, God told Abraham, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.” Did Abraham respond by saying the “Sinner’s Prayer”? By answering an alter call or professing an approved system of belief? By reciting the current version of the latest creed that came out of the latest gathering of “church experts and leaders”? No. “So Abram went, as the Lord had told him.” (Genesis 12.4). He didn’t say a word. He got his feet moving.


When it came time for Jesus to gather up his gang of apostles and disciples, he didn’t command them to discern and discover all of the scriptural rules and laws to govern their conduct and learn what they should believe. No. In Matthew 4.22, Jesus came upon James and John, and “called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.” So should we.

The Apostles’ Creed, found in the front of our hymnals at church, and which we occasionally recite, reads, “I believe…” in nineteen postulates. The Nicene Creed (also in our hymnals) has us confessing 27 “beliefs.” Not once does either menu of prescribed axioms say, “I believe…that faith is all about following Jesus.” It is stunning to me (I fully understand and appreciate their original purpose) that neither has anything to say about the three-year ministry of Jesus on earth other than he was born and he was executed. Our confessional creeds are not wrong, they are just sadly incomplete.

Of course, beliefs are important. They’re critical. Why would you get up and follow anybody or anything unless you believed that she, he or it was worth following? But once “you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead,” (Romans 10.8), spring into action, look over the hill, spot the man with the worn-out robe and crusty sandals walking on a road to somewhere and follow him. Don’t ask where, just follow him.

First Believe and Understand God’s Future for His People … Then Get to Work Now!​

Paul capped off the longest, sustained exposition of bodily resurrection in all of scripture (1 Corinthians 15) with this “therefore” directive: “Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. Now about the collection for the Lord’s people [i.e., the poor in Jerusalem] ….” (1 Corinthians 15.58). Whoever wrote the Book of Hebrews upbraided his Jewish Christian audience for not converting their new-found “beliefs” (repentance, faith in God, baptism, resurrection of the dead, and judgment) into “actions.” And he used an agricultural metaphor echoing the parable of The Sower to emphasize that it is what a believer “produces” that counts in the now-and-yet-to-be Kingdom of God.

When an “expert in the law… who wanted to justify himself” and burnish his orthodox credentials tried to test the correctness of Jesus’ beliefs, Jesus responded, not with canon, confession or catechism, but with a story about a mugged stranger who was abandoned by two religious bigwigs. (See Luke 10.25-37). Internecine wars over doctrine and dogma still rage, while the injured and desperate are left by the side of the Jericho Road.

Where is He Leading Us?​

Right smack dab in and through the gates of the Kingdom of God. The Kingdom that he preached about more than any other topic. The Kingdom that is now (“The kingdom of God has come near to you, Luke 10.9; “The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand,” Mark 1.15) and yet to be (in the “new heaven and new earth…God himself will be with them…[and] there will be no more death…crying or pain” Revelation 21.4).

Just look at all the parables he spun concerning what that Kingdom would look like and be like when it comes in fullness at his Second Coming. Jesus is leading his followers to be resurrection people long before we are bodily resurrected. To be people of God right here and right now. People who work to do justice, help others, love all of creation and love all humans “as I have loved you” … and to even love our enemies.
Yes, believe…and then hit the trail so we can all “act justly and … love mercy and … walk humbly with our God” (Micah 6.8).

 

[RiverOL]

What is “Purity” Actually About?​

What is the relationship between purity and the concepts of honor and shame?
Understanding how the language of (un)cleanness works can help us in several ways. For example, we can discern the broader connotation of such imagery in the Bible and in our lives. We can improve our ability to interpret the Bible and contextualize its message.

Purity Matters​

Some people, like Tom Steffen, think purity-cultures exist alongside guilt-, fear-, and honor- cultures. I respectfully disagree. I think purity language falls under the honor-shame category. Separating them seems redundant to me.
But there’s a bigger point to make than how one classifies cultures. Whether one is “pure” or “unclean” is no small matter; it frequently speaks to one’s identity, status, and character. As mentioned in my previous post, we often use purity metaphors when speaking about morality…
“He’s a filthy pig!” “They have a dirty mind.” “No one has clean hands.”

Unfortunately, I’ve noticed a subtle flattening of the metaphor among people. They treat it as though it primarily were legal language. For instance, “The judge will wipe it off your record.” Or, “You have a clean slate.” In these sentences, “clean” and “wipe” act as dead metaphors. They lack potency. One hardly notices the imagery. They simply mean, “No crimes are charged against you.”
However, we do not invoke a mere “legal” metaphor when we speak of (im)purity and (un)cleanness. Fundamentally, purity is not a legal category. If we miss this point, we can overlook the effect of such imagery and its significance in Scripture.

What is Purified in Hebrews?​

Christians often use generalized phrases to describe salvation. “He has washed away my sin.” “He has cleansed me.” These certainly have roots in the Bible. The sacrificial system in Leviticus famously describes how the people of Israel removed ritual impurity through sacrifice.
Concerning these sacrificial practices, the writer of Hebrews says,

“gifts and sacrifices are offered that cannot perfect the conscience of the worshiper but deal only with food and drink and various washings, regulations for the body imposed until the time of reformation” (Heb 9:9–10).

Someone might easily interpret him as if to suggest the purification rituals are archaic and antithetical to Christianity. However, we find that the author of Hebrews does not dismiss such language; rather, he reappropriates it.
Hebrews 10:1–2 expands on the imagery of Hebrews 9. It says,

For since the law has but a shadow of the good things to come instead of the true form of these realities, it can never, by the same sacrifices that are continually offered every year, make perfect those who draw near. 2 Otherwise, would they not have ceased to be offered, since the worshipers, having once been cleansed, would no longer have a conscience for sins?[1]

In light of the new covenant, Hebrews 9:14 proclaims, “how much more will the blood of Christ… purify our conscience from dead works to serve the living God.” Therefore, “let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience” (10:22).
The wider context adds further support. Hebrews 8:10, 10:16 repeat the promise from Jeremiah 31:33, where the Lord says,

“This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my laws on their hearts, and write them on their minds.”

When Christ “purifies our conscience,” he cleanses our hearts (cf. 10:22). In effect, Hebrews refers to the fulfillment of the new covenant promise foretold in Jeremiah.

More Thoughtful Use of Purity​

Across time and culture, people intuitively appeal to purification language to draw comparisons about morality and identity. At least we can all be more thoughtful about how we use such comparisons. When the Bible speaks of our being cleansed or purified, writers are not merely saying, “You have no crime on your permanent record.”
While that language has validity, it only scratches the surface of biblical meaning.
The Bible is concerned with far more than external or legal purity; it can hardly be called salvation if our legal record is erased but our hearts are contaminated with the basest of desires. God cares about our hearts. This is why he grants us new hearts. The Spirit transforms our sense of honor and shame.

 

[RiverOL]

Characteristics Of A Heart For God​

CHARACTERISTICS OF A HEART FOR GOD
King David had a heart for God.
No, he wasn’t perfect by any means. But he loved God and pursued God with his heart. He had a heart for God. How about you? Do you want a heart for God? Do you want to chase after God with the desires, hopes, dreams, and aspirations of your heart?
“What are the characteristics of a person’s life who seeks after God’s heart?”
The prophet Samuel describes the characteristics of a heart for God in 1 Samuel 5:1-6:23…Samuel writes…


1 Samuel 5:1 Then all the tribes of Israel came to David at Hebron and said, “Behold, we are your bone and flesh. 2 In times past, when Saul was king over us, it was you who led out and brought in Israel. And the Lord said to you, ‘You shall be shepherd of my people Israel, and you shall be prince[a] over Israel.’” 3 So all the elders of Israel came to the king at Hebron, and King David made a covenant with them at Hebron before the Lord, and they anointed David king over Israel. 4 David was thirty years old when he began to reign, and he reigned forty years. 5 At Hebron he reigned over Judah seven years and six months, and at Jerusalem he reigned over all Israel and Judah thirty-three years
CHARACTERISTIC. #1: OTHER PEOPLE SEE GOD’S HAND ON YOUR LIFE.


You don’t have to have a formal title for others to see God is using your life for Him. In verse 2 they knew Saul was the formal King but they all knew David was God’s King. They knew he was the one actually leading them not Saul.
You don’t have to have a formal title for others to see God has called you to lead for Him. Others who follow God will see God in you. The people declared in verse 2 what God had said to David about him being their leader, prince, and shepherd.

Rest in this and let God bring to you the title, the formality, the position, the opportunity, the blessing at His appointed time. David was a teenager when he was anointed to be King, but it wasn’t until he was thirty that formally this happened. And he was almost forty before he fully ruled over Israel. The distance between God’s calling and practically God fleshing that out, can be decades. Be patient! Remain a person after God’s own heart and eventually your life will catch up to the words God has spoken over you regarding your calling and purpose in life.
Look at what the Psalmist says about this in Psalm 138:8…
Psalm 138:8 “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.”



Be patient, God is at work in you, through you, and for you.

Samuel the prophet continues…
6 And the king and his men went to Jerusalem against the Jebusites, the inhabitants of the land, who said to David, “You will not come in here, but the blind and the lame will ward you off”—thinking, “David cannot come in here.” 7 Nevertheless, David took the stronghold of Zion, that is, the city of David. 8 And David said on that day, “Whoever would strike the Jebusites, let him get up the water shaft to attack ‘the lame and the blind,’ who are hated by David’s soul.” Therefore it is said, “The blind and the lame shall not come into the house.”

So, what’s going on here, because this is kinda of a weird passage. Let me ask you a question before we unpack this passage. Would you rather have confidence or determination? If you could only pick one which would you pick?
Confidence: a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.

Determination: firmness of purpose; resoluteness.


The Jebusites were confident David couldn’t break into their fortress. They taunted him. They were confident in their position.
David was determined to get in there. Determination finds a way in the face of confidence. If you are determined, you will eventually figure it out.
Because David’s determination exceeded the Jebusites confidence, he crafted a plan they had never considered. They built a fortress no one could get into. But they needed water to live and David crafted a plan to attack them through a means no one had ever thought of.

CHARACTERISTIC #2: YOUR DETERMINED TO FACE THE IMPOSSIBLE.
And I would add…and eventually breakthrough and figure it out. Don’t give up, don’t give in, and don’t give out and God will do the impossible through you.
9 And David lived in the stronghold and called it the city of David. And David built the city all around from the Millo inward.10 And David became greater and greater, for the Lord, the God of hosts, was with him.
God’s presence determine David’s success. It increased with time.
11 And Hiram king of Tyre sent messengers to David, and cedar trees, also carpenters and masons who built David a house. 12 And David knew that the Lord had established him king over Israel, and that he had exalted his kingdom for the sake of his people Israel.


CHARACTERISTIC #3: YOU REALIZE YOUR SUCCESS COMES FROM GOD.
David knew the Lord had established him and that God had exalted his kingdom.
13 And David took more concubines and wives from Jerusalem, after he came from Hebron, and more sons and daughters were born to David. 14 And these are the names of those who were born to him in Jerusalem: Shammua, Shobab, Nathan, Solomon, 15 Ibhar, Elishua, Nepheg, Japhia, 16 Elishama, Eliada, and Eliphelet.
17 When the Philistines heard that David had been anointed king over Israel, all the Philistines went up to search for David. But David heard of it and went down to the stronghold.
Leading for God puts a target on your back. If you don’t know that yet, you will learn it soon enough.

CHARACTERISTIC #4: GOD’S ENEMIES TRY TO COME AFTER YOU.
18 Now the Philistines had come and spread out in the Valley of Rephaim. 19 And David inquired of the Lord, “Shall I go up against the Philistines? Will you give them into my hand?” And the Lord said to David, “Go up, for I will certainly give the Philistines into your hand.” 20 And David came to Baal-perazim, and David defeated them there. And he said, “The Lord has broken through my enemies before me like a breaking flood.” Therefore the name of that place is called Baal-perazim.[c] 21 And the Philistines left their idols there, and David and his men carried them away.


22 And the Philistines came up yet again and spread out in the Valley of Rephaim. 23 And when David inquired of the Lord, he said, “You shall not go up; go around to their rear, and come against them opposite the balsam trees.
24 And when you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the balsam trees, then rouse yourself, for then the Lord has gone out before you to strike down the army of the Philistines.” 25 And David did as the Lord commanded him, and struck down the Philistines from Geba to Gezer.
David did as the Lord commanded him and struck down the enemy. The key to successful godly leadership is obedience to God’s voice.

CHARACTERISTIC #5: YOU INQUIRE OF GOD AND OBEY.
1 Samuel 6:1 David again gathered all the chosen men of Israel, thirty thousand. 2 And David arose and went with all the people who were with him from Baale-judah to bring up from there the ark of God, which is called by the name of the Lord of hosts who sits enthroned on the cherubim.3 And they carried the ark of God on a new cart and brought it out of the house of Abinadab, which was on the hill. And Uzzah and Ahio,[a] the sons of Abinadab, were driving the new cart, 4 with the ark of God,[b] and Ahio went before the ark.


5 And David and all the house of Israel were celebrating before the Lord, with songs[c] and lyres and harps and tambourines and castanets and cymbals. 6 And when they came to the threshing floor of Nacon, Uzzah put out his hand to the ark of God and took hold of it, for the oxen stumbled. 7 And the anger of the Lord was kindled against Uzzah, and God struck him down there because of his error, and he died there beside the ark of God.8 And David was angry because the Lord had broken out against Uzzah.
David and Israel was celebrating the victories God had given them and this is important, but they crossed a line. Israel knew of the protocol for handling the ark of the covenant and they were lax in dealing with those protocols and it cost Uzzah his life and it made David angry. But we will see, David learned a valuable lesson. Life is not about us. It is about God and His holiness and our treatment of Him as a holy God. In success, we sometimes ignore the sacredness of God’s presence and His standard in our lives. And when that happens, God gets our attention, as He did David. And it might make you angry, for a time, but as time goes on, you realize God has a way in which He wants us to treat Him. This matters, it matters greatly.


12a So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-edom to the city of David with rejoicing. 13 And when those who bore the ark of the Lord had gone six steps, he sacrificed an ox and a fattened animal. 14 And David danced before the Lord with all his might. And David was wearing a linen ephod. 15 So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the Lord with shouting and with the sound of the horn.
16 As the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal the daughter of Saul looked out of the window and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, and she despised him in her heart. 17 And they brought in the ark of the Lord and set it in its place, inside the tent that David had pitched for it. And David offered burnt offerings and peace offerings before the Lord. 18 And when David had finished offering the burnt offerings and the peace offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord of hosts 19 and distributed among all the people, the whole multitude of Israel, both men and women, a cake of bread, a portion of meat,[e]and a cake of raisins to each one. Then all the people departed, each to his house.


20 And David returned to bless his household. But Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David and said, “How the king of Israel honored himself today, uncovering himself today before the eyes of his servants’ female servants, as one of the vulgar fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!” 21 And David said to Michal, “It was before the Lord, who chose me above your father and above all his house, to appoint me as prince[f] over Israel, the people of the Lord—and I will celebrate before the Lord.
22 I will make myself yet more contemptible than this, and I will be abased in your[g] eyes. But by the female servants of whom you have spoken, by them I shall be held in honor.” 23 And Michal the daughter of Saul had no child to the day of her death.
CHARACTERISTIC #6: YOU MAKE WORSHIP YOUR SUPREME FOCUS.
-Above your ego, your relationships, your image, your dignity, how others view you, you name it, you let go of it and make worship your supreme focus and calling in life.
Jesus says,
Matthew 16:24 24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25 For whoever would save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 26 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?

Have you given your soul to Jesus? If so, do you worship Him like you have? Does He get the best of who you are? Do you worship Jesus above everything and everyone else in your life? God wants us to be people after His heart. God wants us to seek Him with all that is within us. Maybe you have never given your life to Jesus and today is the day to say yes to Jesus. Maybe there is something between you and God that needs to be dealt with today, I encourage you to worship Jesus today with all your heart.

 

[RiverOL]

The surprising science of a happy marriage​

CNN.com just reported a fascinating research study on the science of happy marriages and one finding from that study stood out to me as something deeply profound. According to this recently published research, one of the most important factors in the longterm health of a marriage is found in how your spouse responds when you share good news. The research suggests that a spouse’s response to good news is one of the most important factors to the health and happiness of a marriage.


This is an important aspect of marriage and one we shouldn’t overlook. The science shows that this is a MUCH bigger deal in marriages that we may have previously thought. Below are three simple (but important) ways to respond when your spouse shares good news with you. Your response could have a big impact in the longterm health and happiness of your marriage.

1. Share in your spouse’s happiness and NEVER be jealous of each other.
Good news for one spouse is always good news for both spouses. Be happy for each other over that job promotion or something as simple has having had a good day at work (or whatever the good news might be) and never let jealousy creep in. Be excited with and for each other.

2. Be engaged in LISTENING to their good news and responding with encouragement and enthusiasm.
Don’t just give a blank stare or a bland, “that’s nice,” when your spouse shares some good news. Engage in conversation. Ask questions. Share your excitement. Be a safe place to share and to celebrate. Create a climate of warmth and mutual support in your conversations with each other.


3. Take time to CELEBRATE together.
Kool and the Gang sang in best with “Celebrate good times, come on!” Life move by so quickly that we can often forget or overlook the importance of pausing just to celebrate and mark life’s positive milestones. Make a special dinner. Turn up the iPod and have a dance party in the kitchen. Have FUN together! Taking time to celebrate also creates a spirit of gratitude and thankfulness in the marriage and that’s a blessing all by itself.

 

[RiverOL]

What Men Need Most From the Woman They Love​

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While we women enjoy hearing our man tell us “I love you” often to reassure us of his love, men are not affected by hearing us say, “Honey, I respect you” but they do love to hear things like “I’m so proud of you” and “I trust you.” But signaling respect to our man goes far beyond those few words. In my research, I found that there are five demonstrative ways we can express our respect for the man we love such as respect his judgment and respect his abilities.


Our husband may be particularly sensitive to just one or two of these areas or all of them may be significant, especially if he’s either recently or over a lifetime accumulated a low self-esteem. Circumstances can certainly affect his sense of self-respect or value. Has your husband been hit with a physical disability or sickness which has affected his performance or productivity? Is he at that season of life when a man’s career may take a downturn because they are being replaced by younger men or cheaper labor? Has he been laid off because of the economy, or lost a strategic deal or been bypassed for a promotion by another colleague?

Our man most likely will become hypersensitive to feeling disrespected during these kinds of circumstances because he’s having a hard time respecting himself. Whatever the difficulty, we have the incredible power to either add to his sense of inadequacy or build him up to feel respected and esteemed regardless of his situation.

In my survey of men for my book, For Women Only three out of four men indicated that if they had to choose between feeling inadequate and disrespected by everyone, or alone and unloved, they would choose feeling alone and unloved. The reality is that if a man feels disrespected, he is going to feel unloved. Translation? If you want to love your man the way he can feel loved, your top priority is to ensure that he feels your respect. Feeling respected by us is as important to a man as feeling loved by him is to us. The challenge, however, is that unlike women who can get that feeling of love by frequently hearing “I love you,” men need to experience more than just “Honey, I respect you.”


And when his disrespect barometer is tripped by something you say or do, it usually catches us off guard because it was unintentional, and if we respond defensively it can spark a downward spiraling conflict which ends up being more about his feeling disrespected and us feeling unloved than the original issue. This need to feel respected at all times is particularly difficult to keep in mind during a conflict when we all tend to engage one another with more volatility and aggression. If we have regularly displayed a respectful attitude towards our husband, he is more likely to presume our good will towards him even when we slip into disrespectful behavior. When we do slip up, and we will because we are human, a sincere apology combined with some verbal affirmation of one of his strengths goes a long way to mend those slighted feelings.

 

[RiverOL]

Reminded of My Own Fragility​

Sometimes it seems like I am just a house of cards, one stiff breeze away from falling apart. There is so much that can go wrong. Illness, accident, conflict. It is a lot to manage.
I am not even talking about the huge things. Just the little jabs that remind me of how fragile I am. The dental work I had last week that sidelined me for a couple days. The heat rash on my shoulder that itches something fierce. A friend of mine fell off a skateboard a couple weeks ago and broke his front tooth and my wife’s wrist fractured in two places when her bike overturned yesterday.

We are fragile people. Physically, emotionally, even spiritually.

Running From Fragility​

It occurs to me that I spend a good chunk of my time trying to run from my fragility (I’ve avoided this dental work, for example, for years). I try to hide from it or ignore it or outrun it. I try to mask it with emotional, physical, and spiritual cosmetics. I try to reorient reality to mitigate my fragility.

Of course, this is not all a bad thing. This is the way it should be, in one regard. Humans are supposed to avoid their own destruction. Survival is the first of our basic human needs.
But I am talking more about the reality of my own fragility in my mind and heart. I am talking about perception. And I work really hard to not face up to my own fragility. I work really hard to put myself in situations that reinforce my strength and ignore or vilify my weaknesses. I overcompensate with hubris and games of comparison.

But my own fragility follows me around like a shadow, reminding me of my limits, of my imperfections.

Learning from Fragility​

Here is the great irony of human existence: acknowledging our own fragility is the key to thriving. We are strongest when we are honest about where we are weak. Our efforts to ignore or wipe away our fragilities only add to them.
So, my laments above are one side of the coin. We certainly should not ignore our strength or give in to our lusts. There is a wisdom and a balance.

The other side of the coin is that fragility teaches. It spurs us toward community; the real impetus of truly loving others is understanding you cannot really do this life alone. It tests our resolve, giving us a proving ground for our perceived visions and goals.
And, perhaps most importantly, it is real. It is the way it is.
Acknowledging our fragility without adding to it is one of the great dances of a thriving life. We learn from our mistakes but we don’t go looking for them. We try our best to explain things without explaining them away.


In the end, our fragility points us toward greater things. It humbles us. Reminding us that we are not God. Which, let’s be honest, is a reminder we need a lot more than we realize.
So, I am sitting here today with a heat rash, sore gums, and a broken ankle that never fully healed. I am also juggling a great fear of rejection, an over-dependence on the validation of others, and a concern my circumstances will reveal just how incapable I am.

The key to life is not to quickly cover these realities, but to share them. To acknowledge that they are not all I am. They are, in fact, what I am not. And defining myself by what I am not is a patent absurdity.
I am resilient. I am a learner. And, above all, I am someone who tries, who does the best he can. Trying my best to steward my little existence, fragilities and all.

 

[RiverOL]

Developing Christian Self-Control​

​

Developing Christian Self-Control​

Galatians 5:22-23​

Developing Christian Self-Control is the final sermon in the sermon series on Developing Christian character.


“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The law is not against such things.” (Galatians 5:22–23, CSB)

Developing Christian Self-Control brings victory​

John Maxwell, in his book Developing The Leader Within You, says that “The first victory that successful people ever achieve or win, is the victory over themselves.” The moment we begin to have victory over our own flesh and our own desires and become self-controlled, then all of a sudden we can become victorious over other things in life.
“Whoever has no rule over his own spirit Is like a city broken down, without walls.” (Proverbs 25:28, NKJV)

The Greek root for the word self-control means “to get a hold of ” or “to get a grip on”.
It literally means to get your hands on something until you are in control of it. Today, we’re going to talk about getting our hands-on and getting control of ourselves. Proverbs 25 states, “A man without self-control is as defenseless as a city with broken-down walls.” Cities in the ancient world were safe only because of their walls. And the proverb writer says that the moment that we lose self-control and self-discipline, we are a city without any kind of protection.


The reason is that anything in my life that is uncontrolled can harm my relationships. Let me share with you five examples of appetites that can harm my relationships if I let them get me out of control. You will notice something. These are worldly. These are selfish. They are not Godly. These are appetites that when they go in the wrong direction, they cause harm. The world teaches me to fulfill these appetites in the ways that they encourage me. You will notice that none of these appetites have a positive result. They end in harm. These appetites also have a way of controlling you. So instead of the Holy Spirit leading you, you let your uncontrolled appetites lead you. So, as Christians, we have to control these appetites and re-direct them. There are five uncontrolled spiritual appetites that can harm the ability in developing Christian self-control.

5 UNCONTROLLED SPIRITUAL APPETITES THAT CAN HARM MY RELATIONSHIPS​

Anger (Proverbs 29:11)​

“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise person holds it in check.” (Proverbs 29:11, CSB)
“Lord, set up a guard for my mouth; keep watch at the door of my lips.” (Psalm 141:3, CSB)


“My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger,” (James 1:19, CSB)
The first spiritual uncontrolled appetite is anger. This is an emotional appetite of release. You just want to vent because you dislike something or someone. The Holy Spirit is telling you to be calm but you are wanting to vent. That’s the appetite of anger and you need to quit feeding it and allowing it to control you.

Drinking (Proverbs 23:29-35)​

“Who has woe?… Those who linger over wine; those who go looking for mixed wine. Don’t gaze at wine because it is red, because it gleams in the cup and goes down smoothly. In the end it bites like a snake and stings like a viper. Your eyes will see strange things, and you will say absurd things. You’ll be like someone sleeping out at sea or lying down on the top of a ship’s mast.” (Proverbs 23:29–34, CSB)
The second spiritual uncontrolled appetite is alcohol. When I am not seeing fulfillment in my life, I may look to alcohol as a way to fill that hunger or thirst. The problem is that drinking can get out of control real quick. The writer of Proverbs observes that fulfilling your spiritual appetites with alcohol leads to a dangerous path.

Lust (Proverbs 6:26)​

“For a prostitute’s fee is only a loaf of bread, but the wife of another man goes after a precious life.” (Proverbs 6:26, CSB)
The third spiritual appetite that can get me into trouble. In this same chapter, we see that the young man who lets his appetite for lust get fulfilled will regret it.
“Can a man embrace fire and his clothes not be burned? Can a man walk on burning coals without scorching his feet? So it is with the one who sleeps with another man’s wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished.” (Proverbs 6:27–29, CSB)

Ambition (Proverbs 23:4)​

“Don’t wear yourself out to get rich; because you know better, stop!” (Proverbs 23:4, CSB)
A fourth spiritual uncontrolled appetite is ambition. When I decide to let ambition rule me, then it can cause problems later. Here, the proverbs warn that my ambitions can wear me out. The reason is that they don’t actually provide fulfillment. Fulfilling selfish ambitions can be dangerous.
“The righteousness of the upright rescues them, but the treacherous are trapped by their own desires.” (Proverbs 11:6, CSB)


You can even proclaim Jesus Christ for the wrong reasons.
“the others proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, thinking that they will cause me trouble in my imprisonment.” (Philippians 1:17, CSB)
This is the reason why so many pastors and preachers, and other leaders in the church can seem like great men of God. However, they have misplaced Godliness with ambition. Their ambition leads them to preach Jesus, but they also try to tear other people down. So ambition, when uncontrolled, can cause problems, even with other people in the church.

Spending (Proverbs 21:20)​

“Precious treasure and oil are in the dwelling of a wise person, but a fool consumes them.” (Proverbs 21:20, CSB)
The fifth spiritual uncontrolled appetite is my spending. We live in a spending, not a saving culture. The American economy is primarily run by the spending of its consumers. As Christians, if we are not careful, we can easily let ourselves spend too much and get ourselves into debt.
H. B. London once said: “What we do upon some great occasion will probably depend upon what we already are. And what we are will be the result of previous years of self-discipline.”


So if there areas in my life that can get out of control. How do I exert the self-control I need to help me? Developing Christian self-control may seem hard to do. Let me give you 5 very simple starters of living a self-controlled, self-disciplined life. I think many times we take a character trait such as self-discipline and make it more difficult than it is. It’s very simple.

5 SIMPLE STARTERS OF DEVELOPING A CHRISTIAN SELF-CONTROLLED LIFE1​

Here are some “starters” of self-discipline that can help me in developing Christian self-control.

1. Start with yourself​

“Instead, I discipline my body and bring it under strict control, so that after preaching to others, I myself will not be disqualified.” (1 Corinthians 9:27, CSB)
Paul looked to himself and said that He had to bring himself under control. He’s not just talking about physical exercise and discipline. He is talking about controlling his appetites.
Jack Paar once said: “Looking back, my life seems to be one long obstacle course… with me as the chief obstacle.”

No, that’s a little disgusting, isn’t it? Wouldn’t we rather start with someone else? How many of you know somebody you really wish could hear this message? I’m saying don’t start with your brother, your sister, your husband, your wife, your neighbor, your dad, your mom, your kids; start with yourself.
D. L. Moody, that great evangelist of the last century was asked, “Of all the people you come in contact with, who gives you the most trouble?” He said, “D. L. Moody. I have the most trouble with myself.”

There was a sign on an office door that said, “If you could kick the person responsible for most of your troubles, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for weeks.” Start with yourself. I’ve got to start with myself.

Your Competitor​

An enemy I had, whose face I stoutly strove to know,
For hard he dogged my steps unseen wherever I did go,
My plans he balked, my aims he foiled,
He blocked my onward way.

When for some lofty goal I toiled, he grimly said to me, Nay.
One night I seized him and held him fast,
From him the veil did draw,
I looked upon his face at last and lo … myself I saw.
The whole issue of self-control starts with self.

2. Start early​

“How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping your word. I have sought you with all my heart; don’t let me wander from your commands. I have treasured your word in my heart so that I may not sin against you.” (Psalm 119:9–11, CSB)
Self-discipline is the first lesson that ought to be learned, but usually is the last.

In fact, the earlier the better. I consider self-discipline the most important part of a person’s character. It will give them success and help them reach the highest potential that they can possibly reach. So I would encourage you to start early.
Much to my regret as a child, my father started early on me. I can still remember him giving my brother, my sister, and me our chores for the week. Now some of them I had to do every day, but some were once a week deals and I could pick when I did them. For example, my job every week was to clean the basement.

3. Start small​

“Then, even if your beginnings were modest, your final days will be full of prosperity.” (Job 8:7, CSB)
“Whoever is faithful in very little is also faithful in much, and whoever is unrighteous in very little is also unrighteous in much.” (Luke 16:10, CSB)


““His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You were faithful over a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Share your master’s joy.’” (Matthew 25:21, CSB)
What you are going to be tomorrow, you are becoming today. It is essential to begin developing self-discipline in a small way today in order to be disciplined in a big way tomorrow.
I think so often when we look at life we think we’ve got to do something big. No, don’t do something big. There’s an old joke, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” How do you tackle the big issues in your life? Start small. Do what you can do today. How do you become a great spiritual giant? You don’t by starting out praying for an hour a day. You do it by spending a little time with God every day. Maybe it’s 5 minutes, 3 minutes, 10 minutes.

How do you build a great marriage? You don’t by coming upon great discoveries the first year that you’re married. Good night, you’re lucky to keep your marriage together. But you do the small things and you don’t despise them and you do them well. And you pay the price. And you make those building blocks until someday you’re able to tackle the big things in life. But start small. Don’t try to do everything. Just do some things exceedingly well.

4. Start strategically​

“Commit your activities to the Lord, and your plans will be established.” (Proverbs 16:3, CSB)
“The plans of the diligent certainly lead to profit, but anyone who is reckless certainly becomes poor.” (Proverbs 21:5, CSB)
Christopher Robin said to Winnie the Pooh: “Organizing is what you do before you do something so that when you do it, it’s not all mixed up.”
Look at the things that you need to get control over. There are areas that we need to get control over, that we’re not disciplined in all areas. You can’t tackle them all or knock them all out in one day. So what you have to do is just list your three weakest areas. And if you’re not sure what they are, ask your spouse.

And of those areas that are weak, which one hurts you the most? Well, which is really the one that’s defeating you the most, that keeps you from living that triumphant life? Once you decide, then you begin to work daily in that area. Just a step at a time and have someone hold you accountable in that area. Begin to chart your progress. Just get organized and get control of certain things in your life, and then begin to do them a step at a time.

5. Start now​

“If the clouds are full, they will pour out rain on the earth; whether a tree falls to the south or the north, the place where the tree falls, there it will lie. One who watches the wind will not sow, and the one who looks at the clouds will not reap.” (Ecclesiastes 11:3–4, CSB)
“Pay careful attention, then, to how you live—not as unwise people but as wise—making the most of the time, because the days are evil. So don’t be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.” (Ephesians 5:15–17, CSB)

John Hancock Field says, “All worthwhile men have good thought, good ideas, and good intentions, but precious few of them ever translate those into action.”
I encourage you that the best time to get self-control of your life is today. Not tomorrow. I’m amazed at people who are always going to do something someday. Most of the time, those people have dreams, but they’re never going to accomplish them. Every one of us knows what it’s like to procrastinate with things that we need to be doing right now. Start now.

How many of you have ever sung in the shower, and have had your spouse yelling from the bedroom telling you to shut up? In the shower, we all get good ideas, don’t we? You start off in the morning just rubbing the body down and you’re starting to smell pretty good. And you’re starting to sing a little bit. You get a good idea. How many of you have ever had a good idea in the shower?

For those of you who didn’t raise your hand, how many of you have ever had a good idea?
Now, can I tell you the difference between a person who’s successful and one who’s unsuccessful in this area of self-discipline? It’s very simple. We’ve all had good ideas. The question is when you dry off, do you implement them or do you leave them where the shower is? And the next day you get back under the shower and say, “Oh, that’s a good idea.” Start now.

 

[RiverOL]

Going Too Many Directions?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . let us run with endurance the race that is set before us—Hebrews 12:1​

Every man has a sweet spot—a skill, an aptitude, a function that results in maximum impact for a given amount of effort. We’ve all felt them, finding ourselves “in the zone.” We probably have one, maybe two, but our sweet spots are what make us indispensable to others—to our employers, our families, our friends, to the people we’re meant to serve. Of all the things we do, our sweet-spot activities are where we make a unique difference. They’re the things we’re made to do. Sweet spots aren’t random, nor accidental. They’re crafted by our Creator. And they indicate where he wants us to focus our lives—for impact. You see, sweet spots are crafted with specific needs in mind. God cares about those needs, whatever they are, and he designs us to address them (Ephesians 2:10). Identifying our sweet spots allows us to analyze our days, our weeks, and prioritize. It allows us to begin to concentrate our efforts on activities for which we were made. It also allows us to create margin in our work life. As Jethro counseled Moses, we can learn to curtail or delegate activities that fall outside our sweet spots and, thereby, keep our work from unreasonably impinging on other important areas of our lives (Exodus 18:13-27). We cannot eliminate all outside activities, of course; but, we can better manage our time to emphasize the inside ones.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Spend some time pondering your sweet spots. Now, grab a piece of paper and sketch out an ideal job description, one that perfectly leverages you in those spots. You won’t be able to move into that job instantly, of course . . . but the description should serve as a reference for making future decisions, allowing you to move closer to it, over time.

 

[RiverOL]

A Lesson on Prayer from a Depressed Charles Spurgeon​

Any time I’ve asked a group of church-goers how they feel about their prayer life, the answer is always that it could be better. In fact, I don’t believe even once I’ve heard someone say they’re content in it. Part of the reason for this is simply bound up in the reality that as Don Whitney says, “…when we pray, we tend to say the same old things about the same old things. And when you’ve said the same old things about the same old things about a thousand times, how do you feel about saying them again? Bored!” This really is a tremendous insight that cuts to the heart of much of the issue people face with prayer.

Rote repetition is their prayer life—is it any wonder that in the midst of prayer their minds wander to something else, almost as if it is begging for something more engaging. Prayer should be engaging. Yet often it is anything but and we know it, and because we know we are to do it to be faithful, we limp through it out of sheer guilt.


If this describes you and your prayer life, I would earnestly recommend purchasing Don Whitney’s book and putting it into practice. Instead of tasking the reader with multiple steps to a better prayer life, Whitney advocates a simple approach: you pray using scripture as your source, namely, the psalms. The reason being we can avoid vain repetition in our prayers, use inspired text that covers a wide range of emotions, doctrines, and troubles, and initiate the conversation of prayer with God freely. The goal is that our prayers are informed by the Word of God. In essence, we are speaking God’s own words back to Him, and the result is that we not only have biblically saturated prayer, but we know these will be prayers God honors and is honored by. Another great resource that I’d recommend is D.A. Carson’s book, which has a similar proposal utilizing the apostle Paul’s prayers.

Recommendations aside, one of the other reasons I’ve found people struggle in their own prayer life is due to discouragement. Of course, that discouragement can come from theologically flimsy prayers, such as was mentioned above. However, another aspect of discouragement can come in the form of besetting, unconfessed sins (Ps. 66:18), not living with your wife in an understanding manner (1 Pet. 3:7), grieving the Holy Spirit (Eph. 4:30; 1 Thess. 5:19), prevailing doubts (Ja. 1:5-8), lingering anxieties, thanklessness, and a simple lack of prayer (Phil. 4:6-7), unchecked pride (Ja. 4:6; Pro. 3:34), and more. But what of discouragement that can’t be traced to any particular sin to be repented of? What of the self-deprecator? What of the one who constantly beats themselves up over their failures and foibles? What of the individual who struggles to push past every word of revilement and slander? What of the one who has a sort of melancholy for no particular reason?


For this, I believe a brief example from Charles Spurgeon might be helpful to consider. In one breath, Spurgeon could say, “Prayer is doubt’s destroyer, ruin’s remedy, the antidote to all anxieties,” while in another, he could articulate the struggle of so many today by saying, “I am sometimes lifted to the very heavens, and then I go down to the deep: I am at one time bright with joy and confidence and at another time dark as midnight with doubts and fears.” For all his intensity and boldness as a preacher, Spurgeon had a life-long bout with depression that could inflict him even in the midst of ascending to the throne room of his Master. The reasons for this were many—yet suffice it to say, his proclivity towards anxiety and depression were met even in the midst of casting his cares upon His Lord.

On a purely human and anecdotal level, I know of all the times my own mind wanders during prayer, try as I might to keep focused. Often, these wanderings are good roads of continued prayer, yet at some points in my life as a Christian I can recall times where these wanderings were simply expressions of a frustrated and discouraged heart. I can’t help but draw a correlation to the great Prince of Preachers—not in any sense to compare our abilities, but in the commonality we share as finite men with all of the foibles that finite men carry.

Our minds are hindered by that which occupies our thoughts—whether distractions, the words of foes, the failures of that given day, the never-ending war with sin that can be so wearying, or even the all-consuming desire to make maximum impact for our King. Likewise, our great enemy is a prowling lion, seeking whom he may devour—irrespective of the stature we have before our fellow men (he was and is still a giant even in death, and I am, well, me). In that same vein, Spurgeon and I share not only the common vexation of a troubled mind and spirit at times, but a common enemy in Satan, whose fiery darts seek to embed and become a perpetual nuisance. Yet our greatest point of commonality is in the common Lord we share, who gave Spurgeon hope and continues to give me hope this day.


Hebrews 4:14-16 speaks to the reality of this common hope we have in Jesus Christ. We are to hold firmly to what we profess, which is the mediatorial role of Christ Himself to reconcile us to the Father. We are to hold to the hope that we have a High Priest who can plead our case perfectly to the Father, yet also in full comprehension of our plight. Why? Because we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize with us in our weaknesses; He was tempted in every way, and yet remained without sin. It is for this very reason that we can enter into the throne room of God with confidence—not in the vehicle of prayer as a means to an end—but as a means to be bound up in Christ, our perfect Advocate and Intercessor who pleads our case before the Father. The purpose of this confidence then is so that we will receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need (v. 16). In other words: the author of the book of Hebrews is informing us of his desire that we enter confidently on the basis of Christ’s work, and that in Christ’s work, we will find mercy extended to us by the Father.

The expression here mirrors that of a sovereign king. The king had one’s life and death in their hands and could work it like putty in either direction. Upon entering into the throne room of the king, visitors would bow down and expose the neck—a sign showing all parties understood the king has full sovereign rite to execute the individual. It was a sign of weakness, particularly the weakness of being exposed and vulnerable to one who wielded incredible power. If things went well for the king’s guest, they would live. If not, all the king had to do is motion to their servants and the undesirable visitor would not live to see another day.

A veil would be draped over their face so as to bar the visitor from even looking upon the king’s face. Yet the expression we find here in the book of Hebrews paints a radically different story for the one who has access to the King in Christ. Rather than come in trepidation and trembling, they come in confidence. Rather than being veiled and removed for execution, they behold Him face to face through Christ, who is the image of the invisible God (Col. 1:15). If we were not in Christ, the Father would not hear us (Jn. 9:31), but because we are in Christ, He not only hears us, but delights to hear us.


The beauty of this must not be understated, nor can it be overstated. We must remember that in times prior to Christ, only the high priest could enter into the presence of God, and at that, only once a year (Heb. 9:7). We have been given unfettered access to the presence of God because we have been unified with the Great High Priest, Christ—and the access which we have been granted is not one in which we come hesitantly, wondering if the king shall bring the sword upon our neck. We come with access knowing that the king shall lift our chins and only ever continually offer us help in our time of need. This is perhaps the grandest point of all that I could make: prayer is an acknowledgement of our weakness and neediness before a God who delights to help the weak and needy. We still come in frailty before the One who wields ultimate power and sovereignty, yet it is His great joy to have his subjects come into His presence because it is His great joy to condescend to them in loving servitude.

We ought to always bring to remembrance those words of the apostle Peter, who commands we humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God with the explicit purpose that God exalt us in the proper season. The means by which we do so? Casting all our cares, or literally expressed, the worries of our present age, on Him. Why? Because He cares for us. It is His great concern. Our humility before His mighty hand is defined as casting our worldly worries upon Him, and His exaltation of us is defined as caring for us in our time of need. The basis then of our hope in times of discouragement is that whatever may come against us, be it slander, mocking, reviling, persecuting, tormenting, and so on and so forth, does not indicate God’s rejection of us. Instead, it indicates God’s favor upon us. We seldom think of hardship and suffering in such a fashion, but arguably we do not think of it as a blessing because we do not see the positional state in which we are being blessed in it as it drives us to prayer, and as prayer brings us into the presence of God, all because we are found to be positioned in Christ.


Surely—if there is sin you find hindering your boldness to go before the throne, repent. Yet if your trepidation is born out of what seems to be unanswered prayers, self-deprecation, your past failures and current foibles, or even the words of accusation from an enemy, may I humbly suggest you come back to the simplest reason we pray, which is to cast all our cares on Him? Whether or not our cares are answered in the manner we feel they must be, is relatively inconsequential when we recognize the fact that our God delights to help us in our time of need, and indeed He does—even when we do not have the proper words to express ourselves in prayer (Rom. 8:26).

Thus, the idea is not so much that prayer is a magic bullet that removes all barriers to our sinful, human condition, but rather, prayer is the vehicle to the One who removes our barriers. One can very much be found to have a widely varied emotional response. One might even say with Spurgeon, “I am sometimes lifted to the very heavens, and then I go down to the deep: I am at one time bright with joy and confidence and at another time dark as midnight with doubts and fears.” However, if one recognizes that prayer is but the vehicle rather than the destination, they may come to likewise echo Spurgeon in believing that, “All our perils are nothing, so long as we have prayer.”


The simple reason for this is that Spurgeon believed, “The essence of prayer lies in the heart drawing near to God: and it can do that without words.” In other words, prayer is the vehicle by which we commune with God Himself, not in the hopes that all of our troubles are magically whisked away, but that by being found in the presence of our King, we gain a certain boldness and even warmth. In that, we redouble our efforts, trusting not in the vehicle of prayer, but in the destination to which the vehicle brings us, which is in the presence of God Himself. Knowing that this vehicle is the God-ordained means to bring us into the presence of our Lord is what brings hope in the midst of those times where even the vehicle seems to sputter. Why? As Spurgeon himself notes, “Our God not only hears prayer but also loves to hear it.” It is no wonder then when we consider the depth and beauty of this singular truth that we may likewise come to see that prayer is, “..essential to me as the heaving of my lungs, and the beating of my pulse.”

In the end, the mechanism of prayer is the means by which we cast our cares on Him as a child to his earthly father; if more cares are added in the midst of that act, we are given the privilege of yet again bringing our later troubles to Him even in the midst of bringing our former troubles. In that sense then, I believe Spurgeon’s point above is that the act of prayer, by bringing us into communion with God in His throne room, does indeed destroy such things as doubt, ruin, and anxiety—but only because such things are mere trifles in the presence of the King who gladly lifts our chins and takes such burdens upon Himself. If more troubles arise even as He takes our first troubles, He gladly takes these as well, for He is utterly merciful to us in our frailty. He is a good King to His subjects.


Here therein our weakness becomes the very mercy which brings God to act more and more to our benefit, comfort, and aid. We shun weakness, not knowing that it is the fuel by which the vehicle of prayer runs, all of which brings us—whether steadily or shakily—to the throne of grace. At the throne of grace, we stand in confidence before our King because our Mediator, Christ Jesus, stands in our place to represent all of our earthly troubles in earnestness. If we would but recognize these things are simple means by which the object of our prayers is realized, we might just recognize their true beauty.

Whether big or small, all prayers are the recognition of the frail coming before the Omnipotent and seeking His aid. It is the recognition of the powerless to come to the all-powerful for that which they cannot do in and of themselves. It is a dependency, not on self, but on God. If an earthly father knows how to come to the aid of his earthly children, even in the misplacing of their silly trinkets, how much greater does your heavenly Father know how to come to the aid of His own children?

 

[RiverOL]

7 Real Reasons Why People Are Turning to God​

Adam Gong

God is on the move. Two thousand years ago Jesus made a promise to Peter, “I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it” (Matthew 16:18), and he has been doing that ever since. This past weekend at the amazing church I get to pastor we were privileged to baptize six individuals, people who have made a decision to place their trust in Jesus and go public with that faith through water baptism. With each baptism we ask the individual to share a little bit of their story as an encouragement to those who celebrate with them. Why are people turning to God? Here are seven real reasons, from the very words these precious individuals shared with our church:


1. Influence of family. Parenting is a sacred opportunity not just to shape a life but to shape a soul and teach children the truth about the God that loves them. For many who turn to God, their primary influence is their family. As one wrote, “My mom always taught me about God and tried to take us to church. I remember our family praying together to get a house and God answered our prayer.”

2. Exposure to church. Simply showing up to church on a regular basis can have a profound impact on your life and faith. If a church can create a warm, welcoming environment where people are accepted and embraced, lives can be changed! As one wrote, “Listening to the sermons helped me understand more about faith in Christ and what it means to be a Christian.”

3. Taking Jesus to their world. More than simply waiting for lost people to go to us, four of the six baptized this past Sunday made a decision to trust Jesus because Jesus was brought to them in their world: their school. Through an after school program led by our church volunteers, the gospel is shared on a regular basis. As several wrote, “This year at Good News Club, I prayed to receive Jesus as my Savior.”



4. Inability to find purpose and meaning on their own. Ecclesiastes 3:11 states that God has placed eternity within our hearts, spurring us on a life-long quest for meaning and purpose, which ultimately finds its fulfillment in God Himself. As one wrote, “What describes my life before Christ is that I was lost. I had no sense of direction until I started seeking for God.”

5. Overwhelmed by the pressures of life. We all come to an end of ourselves, when we are at the bottom, drowning in the overwhelmingness of life. In those moments of need, our hearts are naturally drawn upwards towards God. As one wrote, “I faced a lot of difficulties and problems which made me go into deep depression. Life was so hard and I was under lots of pressure. I was desperately looking for something to help me feel better, but nothing worked.” Even though he originally grew up in a different religion, this man’s desperation led him to accept an invite to church.




6. The invitation of a friend. Never underestimate the power of a simple invitation. For you it might be a habit or even an afterthought, but God has a way of divinely orchestrating life-changing events through a simple invitation. As one wrote, the moment his life changed was the moment when “one of my coworkers invited me to go with him to church.”



7. Realization of who God is. Since God has placed eternity in our hearts, God is always working in us, always drawing us to Himself. Through a myriad of different opportunities, God will reveal Himself to us. As one shared, “I really didn’t start thinking about God until I got older. As I got older I realized that God is important and I started to believe more in Him.”





Be aware of what God is doing around you. Look for people who are hurting because they need the hope you have found in Jesus. Never underestimate the power of an invitation, because God is always working!



QUESTION: What reason, circumstance or influence brought you to faith in Jesus?

 

[RiverOL]

How Do You Know If Your Relationship is Healthy?​

Dear Terry,
I’m engaged and considering getting married in a few months to a man who I’ve been dating for about a year. A few of my friends have questions about Todd because he sometimes lets me down and doesn’t follow through on all of his promises. But we have a lot in common and share the same goals. We both value fidelity and want to have a family. We do argue often but usually make up and don’t stay mad at each other for too long.



Most of the time, Todd comes through on important things and I trust him but he’s forgetful and tends to put his job first. My parents divorced when I was ten years old and I’m fearful because they seemed happy when I was young and then things went sour. How can I be sure my marriage will last?
Do you think I should put off the engagement? I’m not 100% sure that our relationship is healthy but Todd loves me, he’s a good person, caring, and hard working. Please advise me about what I should do.
Sincerely,
Katie

Dear Katie,
There is no guarantee that any marriage will work out but admiration and fondness are key elements of a successful relationship. You can’t always go by others comments or opinions, but you must learn to trust your own judgment. You seem to trust Todd yet question the timing of your marriage. Indeed, if waiting another year or so before you get married, makes you feel more secure about your decision, than waiting may be the best answer.
What is the secret of finding a healthy relationship? In his book The Relationship Cure, distinguished American researcher, Dr. John Gottman writes: “It’s not that these couples don’t get mad or disagree. It’s that when they disagree, they’re able to stay connected and engaged with each other. Rather than becoming defensive and hurtful, they pepper their disputes with flashes of affection, intense interest, and mutual respect.”


After all, there is no such thing as a perfect partner. Nonetheless, you might want to ask yourself this question: Is there something about the way Todd treats me that makes me a bigger and better person? If the answer is no, ask yourself: Am I looking to change him too much? Or, am I taking responsibility for my part in our problems? It takes two people to contribute to disagreements so be sure to examine your contribution to arguments and apologize when you say or do hurtful things.
The following are 7 essential aspects of a healthy relationship:

1. You admire your partner for who he or she is as a person. You like and respect who they are and how they carry themselves through the world. If you can’t respect the way a person lives their life, let alone admire them, it’s hard to keep any relationship going.
2. Your partner is trustworthy. He or she follows through on promises. It’s impossible to build trust in someone who does not keep their agreements or is unreliable.
3. Your partner makes you a priority. He/she values your relationship. Even when they are swamped, they communicate (text, call, or talk) to show they’re thinking of you.
4. Your partner accepts you with all of your flaws, doesn’t try to change you, and takes responsibility for their actions. Life is messy at times. While it’s natural to assign blame when things go wrong, in a healthy relationship partners take responsibility for things they do to hurt each other, apologize, and make amends.
5. Your partner turns toward you and (rather than turn away from you). He or she listens more than they speak. Your partner asks you questions about your hobbies, friends, and family. When you have something important to share, they don’t stare at the computer screen or TV (or ignore you). Also, they don’t make you feel badly for being in a bad mood or having a tough day.
6. Your partner is affectionate. They’re comfortable holding hands and showing other signs of physical affection in private and in public.
7. Your partner talks about your future together so you can create a shared vision of your relationship. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t include you in his or her future plans. You should talk often about your visions for your relationship in five to ten years.

Admiration is a key quality of a healthy, long standing relationship according to Nathaniel Branden. In his book, The Psychology of Romantic Love, he suggests that admiration is the most powerful foundation for a relationship. In other words, if you admire your partner, not just for how he or she acts with you, but for how they operate in the world as a whole, it helps strengthen your love, since it is inevitably prone to falter though the years.

 

[RiverOL]

Engaging in Conflict When You Don’t Feel Like It​

Conflict is never particularly fun (at least not for most people). But it is inevitable. When two (or more) people are sharing life and space and perceptions, there are bound to be points of contention, disagreement, and high emotion.
We often say conflict is not good or bad. It is neutral. How we set out to resolve conflict turns it into a net gain or loss. It is our response that determines its value.



If you are anything like me, you have a hard time accepting this idea of conflict as opportunity. As much as I preach these philosophies, it is very difficult to believe in daily practice.
Like many, my main strategy around conflict is simply to avoid it. When it inevitably arrives, to squash it as quickly as possible, whatever it takes. A quick band-aid, a flight and avoidance, or gossip in a different direction are all options readily employed. Mostly, I just don’t feel like conflict. It is so dangerous. It is so complicated. Shouldn’t I be avoiding it at all costs?

Put Me In Coach​

When I was a kid, I played a lot of team sports. Whenever I was sitting on the bench, I always had one eye on the game and another nervously on the coach. I was just waiting for that moment when he tapped my shoulder and grunted, “Willis, you’re in”.

Our emotions work like that in daily life. They tap us on the shoulder and let us know it is time to get in the game. The stakes are high. The game is on the line. I don’t mean in any sort of one-play makes or breaks you type of way. What I mean is your emotions awake you from complacency.


The complicated part is they don’t tell you what play to run. Or really anything to do. They just tap you on the shoulder and let you know your values are on the line.
When we stuff, ignore, and otherwise avoid conflict, it always includes some aspect of refusing that tap on the shoulder. Conflict only happens when emotions alert us that something that matters to us is going on. It is the opposite of apathy, the cure to complacency. Sure it is confusing and frustrating and often misleading that the emotions don’t really tell you what to do, but the opposite of engaging in the conflict is sitting back on the bench and giving in to complacency.

When we avoid conflict, we refuse to play. The only way to figure out what to do with our emotions is to give ourselves (and our teammates) a chance. Because of the stakes and how turbo-charged things can feel, we often avoid conflict because we don’t want to do or say the wrong thing. There is certainly some wisdom to that. I am not suggesting you punch and scream and throw a tantrum all in the name of avoiding complacency. But just like in many other areas of life, the fear of failure often keeps us from growth, learning, and proper resolution.


When we hide from conflict, it does not disappear. It festers and sometimes even shape-shifts, settling into the corner of our hearts as guilt or resentment. The practice of conflict is a tool for establishing and maintaining healthy relationships. It should be entered with humility, caution, and the agenda of discovering the truth. Even when we would rather not, the honest communication and collaboration required to resolve conflict strengthens our relationships, reinforces our values, and helps us to discover the truth. It is worth the effort.

 

[RiverOL]

How to Deal With Past Hurts and Resentments in Marriage​

When my husband and I got married shortly after I graduated college, I waged a personal vendetta against him which dated back to high school.
Sounds crazy, right? Why would I marry someone I harbored resentment against? I was hurt by something that had happened in the past, and I refused to let it go.


It should’ve been settled long ago, and it was…for him. Long before he’d asked me to marry him, he’d put the incident in a box and stuck it way back in the corner of his mind.
Not me.

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It was such a tiny thing, but it burrowed down into my heart and took root where I nursed and cared for it. And like anything that’s well cared for, it grew.
I put the incident in a prominent place in our lives. I wielded that thing like an ancient torture device against my husband. If we had a problem, I’d pull it out. My attitude was killing my marriage before it got started.

The problem with holding onto old hurts is you accumulate new ones. Little hurts become bigger ones when we nurse them and pile new ones on top.
We say we want a harmonious relationship, but when we let hurts get in the way, it becomes difficult. There’s nothing more dangerous to a marriage than unhealed hurts.
We all have a default setting called “human.” When we default to human, our selfish, retaliatory nature comes out like a roaring lion. We think the other person deserves to hurt like they hurt us. We justify our feelings as “righteous.” But, God doesn’t.

I had to make a decision to let it go. I still have to decide to let go of things that hurt me, if I want a healthy marriage.
Maybe you’re holding on to something that has happened in your past. Maybe it’s not a hurt your husband caused. Maybe it’s a wound inflicted by someone else in your life.
Letting go of past hurts isn’t easy, but it is necessary.
Here are steps I use when working through hurts or resentments in my marriage:
1. Pray
Tell God how you feel. He’ll understand. Tell Him you’re angry or hurt or lonely. He’ll comfort and reassure you. He may even give you a new attitude towards the situation. He might even make you aware of your contribution to the situation.
2. Forgive yourself
This is harder than it sounds because many times when we’re hurt, we blame ourselves to a certain degree. Maybe we’ve done something to contribute to the situation. I partly blamed myself for the high-school hurt. So, the madder I got at myself, the madder I got at him. Begin with forgiving yourself.
3. Separate yourself
This can be as simple as going into a room alone to pray and think about the situation or taking a walk. Try to look at the situation from an objective point of view. Pretend you’re talking to a friend. How would you advise her? Tell her how you would’ve handled the situation differently.

4. Write about it
Writing is a healthy outlet because you can get your point across without someone interrupting you. Be real. Write about how you feel, why you’re hurt. What you’d like to see happen. Write all the things you’d like to say to your husband—yeah, even the ugly things. After you’ve exhausted your feelings on paper, tear it up. Then write another letter telling him how you feel.

Use language that expresses how you feel, not what he did. It’s a good idea to start by telling him things you appreciate about him. Tell him you know he didn’t mean to hurt you (and chances are he really didn’t). Then close by acknowledging your contribution to the situation or how you could’ve handled it differently.
If he did intend to hurt you, tell him you are working through forgiving him. Remember you love him. The disagreement or hurt isn’t bigger than your relationship.
5. Hold hands
When I was newly married, someone advised me to always hold hands with my husband, even when I’m unhappy with him. Holding hands was difficult for me. It wasn’t modeled for me growing up. But, there’s something about physical touch that softens the heart.
When we say “I do,” we relinquish all rights to hold on to stuff. If we’ve made a commitment to God, part of that commitment includes making our marriages the best they can be. Go to the source of all forgiveness: Jesus Christ. It is crucial to the ability to let go.