In step

[RiverOL]

How Do I Know that God Will Help Me When I’m in Trouble?​

Photo by Haley Black from Pexels

When I was a kid, William Shatner hosted a program called Rescue 911. The show reenacted actual calls to 911. What made the reenactments frightening was the depiction of the family’s life before tragedy struck. They were always going about their normal day–they were on the way to school, traveling to work, dropping by the grocery store on the way home, etc. Then, disaster came calling.
Those reenactments scared me because they depicted what like is like in reality. We do not get a warning before our lives are about to fall apart. We never get a memo that reads, “Get ready. Today will be the worst day of your life.” In a fallen world, we don’t know that the shoe is about to drop until it does.

When we run into unexpected hardship, we tend to wonder if God may have taken the day off or if he is punishing us. Suffering tempts us to forget that the Lord walks beside us in our difficulty and pain, working all things together for our good according to his good and loving plan. We push this reality out of our minds because all suffering feels like God abandoning us, when nothing could be further from the truth.

How do we know this, though? How do we know that God is going to help us when we walk through trouble? Thankfully, God’s word is replete with reminders that God is near to his people when they are walking through a valley. Psalm 121 stands as a clear reminder of this important truth. It is the first of the “Psalms of Ascent.” Pilgrims sang these songs on their arduous and sometimes dangerous journey to the feasts and festivals in Jerusalem.

[1] I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
[2] My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
[3] He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
[4] Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
[5] The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.


[6] The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.
[7] The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
[8] The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore. (ESV)
In Psalm 121, the writer provides us with three powerful reminders that the Lord comes near to help us in times of trouble.

God is more powerful than my idols.​

When the Psalmist lifted his eyes to the hills, he saw two things. First, he saw danger. The road to Jerusalem was teeming with possible dangers on every side. Also, he saw the “high places” when he looked up to the hills. In the Old Testament, these were the places where the people build their idols and sacrificed to them.
The Psalmist’s description of the Lord makes an important point–“the maker of heaven and earth.” The prophets often contrasted the idols made with human hands with God who made everything, including the “stuff” the idols were made of. The Psalmist was saying that these idols offered him no help in the face of danger, but the maker of heaven and earth was able to come to his aid.

Isn’t it tempting in a time of great struggle to turn to our idols–like money, sex, power, or security–to save us? They can’t. They are incapable of providing us with the assurance or the deliverance we need. Only the Lord is our helper. The one who made the heavens and the earth is powerful enough to come to our aid and he loves us enough to help us when we need it. Why would we rely on our idols when we are in the hands of a sovereign and loving God who is more than capable of saving us?

God works even when I don’t.​

Travelers on the journey to Jerusalem were most vulnerable when they had to stop and sleep. They were incapable of defending or watching out for themselves. Therefore, the Psalmist’s reminder that “he who keeps Israel neither slumbers not sleeps is really good news. He watches over us and protects us when we do nothing but lie there.

What is one of the first things that happens when you are walking through pain, difficulty, or anxiety? You start losing sleep. You lie awake at night thinking about your problems and going through all of the worst-case scenarios. Then, you start planning all of your methods for an escape from your trouble, knowing that almost all of them are out of your control.

Think about the foolishness of this. God is already at work, causing all things to work together for our good. We are up scheming and planning, robbing ourselves of the rest that we need when the one who doesn’t slumber or sleep has all of our troubles in his capable hands.
The New Testament uses “rest” to picture our salvation through Christ alone. We aren’t ready to be saved until we lay down our trying to please God through our good works and rest solely and completely on the work of Christ on the cross.

God watches over every step of my journey.​

The Psalmist uses several contrasting pairs to show how the Lord watches over us. The said, “The sun shall not strike you by day nor the moon by night.” Then he went on to say that “The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.” Think about this for a second. It is always day or night. You are usually either going out or coming in. This is his poetic way of saying that the Lord always watches over you.

We tend to live by faith in visible things. Like with our idols, we want to trust in a salvation that we can see. However, the promise that God is always watching over us is invisible. I cannot see the Lord’s protection and help, but that does not mean that it is not there.
This is an important time to remind ourselves that God sent the Holy Spirit to indwell us. While Jesus was on earth, he promised that he would send “the Helper” after he went away. Now, every person who trusts in the Lord Jesus has the Spirit living in them as a reminder of the presence of God and as a pledge to remind us that God will give us the inheritance he promised.

It is tempting when we are struggling to doubt God’s goodness or his power. However, the presence of the Holy Spirit in our lives reminds us that God is powerful enough to save us and that he loves us enough to deliver us when we need it. So, we must learn to trust him. Even when the “help” coming down from the hills looks like salvation, we must remember that our help comes from the Lord and him alone.

 

[RiverOL]

Want Financial Freedom?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything—2 Corinthians 6:10​

We ache for financial freedom. We imagine being one day free from worry about money. We dream of security and peace. Mostly, we never experience any of that; mostly, we just experience financial stress. How come? Well, let’s back up. Financial freedom comes only with financial margin. Financial margin is the difference between (1) money coming in and (2) money going out—between income and expenses. Without margin of sufficient size, we’ll never achieve financial freedom. The problem is, when we men think about margin we usually focus only on the first part of the equation, on our income. We do this because we’ve come to trust money. We’ve come to believe it can solve all problems—if we get that job, that promotion, that bonus, then everything will be great. This trust is misplaced (Revelation 3:17). We should trust God. We should trust the one who can do all things, instead of hoping money will. When we broaden our focus, however, when we focus too on the second part of the margin equation, on our expenses, we find the key to financial freedom. Though we convince ourselves otherwise, there are always ways to reduce expenses to achieve margin. It’s the way God designed things. So, when we decide, finally, to apply downward pressure on our expenses—on our lifestyles—we find that financial freedom is not actually elusive, but available right here, right now, the way God intended (1 Timothy 6:7-8; Hebrews 13:5).

Okay, so what do we do?​ Do a review of your expenses. How much margin do you have? If you need to, find at least one or two significant items to cut . . . and commit to doing more such reviews, and on a regular basis. Trust God to give you everything you (and your family) will ever need.

 

[RiverOL]

Ways to Deal With An Intrusive Mother-in-Law​

Hello Terry,
I read your blog often but have not seen you write about how a daughter-in-law can deal with a mother-in-law who has boundary issues. I have been married for two years to a loving man, Stephen, 32, who is very close to his family. During our five year courtship, he has spent most Sundays with his parents. The good news is that I usually go along and his mother is fond of me. But her requests for Stephen and myself to spend time with her and his father have increased during the two years we’ve been married.



For instance, two weeks ago, she called and told us she booked a hotel for all of us in Niagara Falls for the weekend and she didn’t even ask us if we are free or want to come. Unfortunately, Stephen walks on eggshells with his mother and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings so he has trouble saying “no.” As a result, I feel like I’m being difficult when I set a boundary. Stephen travels with his job as an engineer and we don’t see each other much during the week so weekend time is important. We are also expecting our first child in six months!

How do I explain to Stephen and his mother that I need some alone time with him on the weekends and that I want to be asked before she makes reservations to go somewhere for the weekend? I’m grateful for all that my mother-in-law has done for us and she is a kind person, but she overreacts and takes things personally when I reject any offer to spend time with her (even to hang out in the kitchen when I want to swim in their pool).
Sincerely,
Carolyn, age 30
Dear Carolyn,


Your problem is actually quite common and the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law dynamic is the most challenging of all in-law relationships. It’s crucial that you have a discussion with Stephen about the importance of making your marriage a priority and stress that you want to spend time with his family but it has to be balanced with time alone with him (and your child who will be born soon).

In one study, 70% of women polled expressed dissatisfaction with their mother-in-law or daughter-in-law. Comments ranged from “I’m glad she doesn’t visit” to “I wish she were dead.” It’s safe to say this is one of the most complicated relationships, according to Elizabeth Graham, author of Mothers-in-Law Vs. Daughters in-Law: Let There Be Peace.”

In fact, Graham states that the conflict between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws has raged throughout history and is well documented. Often a wife and mother have two radically different views of the same man and a mother-in-law may see him first as her child and may have trouble shifting gears in order to see him as a husband and father.
These are 4 ways to deal with an intrusive mother-in-law:

1. Raise Awareness: Acknowledge that there is a problem with your spouse and state an “I Message” calmly to express your concern. Start gently by saying something like “I appreciate all that your mom does for us and want to spend time with her on weekends. But I think we need to set some boundaries so we have alone time to focus on us and our new baby.” It will work better than a “You Message like, “Your mom is selfish and never thinks about my needs.”
2. Be Careful Not to Criticize Your Mother-in Law: Adult children can be sensitive and may even get defensive if they feel their spouse is criticizing one or both of their parents. So be sure to state your concerns in a positive way rather than getting too negative or blameful in your comments.
3. Let Your Spouse Know You Are Willing to Compromise: You can express this by saying things like, “I know how much you love your mother. I will always do my best to understand your need for time with her because you are important to me.”
4. Let Go of Expectations: Try your best to be realistic that you may never have the kind of relationship with your mother-in-Law that you expected or desire. If you focus on the positive (i.e., she likes you as a person and/or doesn’t bad-mouth you) you will adopt a more optimistic attitude and this will pave the way for better communication).

One last thought to consider is that people often focus on being liked by family members and forget that all relationships have limits. While it’s never easy to set boundaries with a family member, keep in mind that the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law dynamic is probably one of the most complex and challenging. Further, a professional counselor can be a good resource for support and feedback if this relationship becomes more problematic or does not improve over time.

 

[RiverOL]

The REAL Reason Money Causes Issues in Marriage​

​

It was only Orange Chicken. Or was it?
My husband Jeff and I used to have a recurring conflict over Chinese takeout. After a long day of meetings, I would offer to pick up dinner for the family on the way home, only to hear, “Um, that’ll probably be $35 . . . how about I grill the Costco chicken we already have in the fridge instead?”

Such a trivial thing, right? So why did it bug me? And why did it bug Jeff that I would call and ask the question? Why do you get frustrated with your spouse’s money quirks? Maybe they really want to use the envelope system, which you think is annoying, or they are totally willing to pay extra to avoid seeing the ads on Hulu, which you think is a character flaw!

And why do so many couples (hypothetical couples; I ask this for a friend) avoid talking about money whenever possible?
It turns out, the occasional friction so many of us experience around money is not really about “convenience meals,” the envelope system, or a reckless disregard for budgeting. It wasn’t until we conducted three years of research for our newest book, Thriving in Love & Money, that our eyes were opened to the truth that it isn’t about finances at all.

It’s Not About the Money​

Here’s the one-sentence summary of the results of thousands of surveys: when we have tension with our spouse around money, it’s not about the money. It’s about how money makes us feel—and makes our spouse feel. It’s about how we process things. About a host of expectations, insecurities, and worries that we don’t even know are there. In fact, our unique perspective on money is so intertwined with how we handle it that it would be shocking if it wasn’t sometimes tricky to come together around finances.

That’s a main reason only 23% of couples can talk well about money. Which in turn is probably why we all think we should have a working budget but only 19% of us actually do! How do you decide on a financial plan if one or both of you gets defensive or is weighed down by feelings that your spouse doesn’t understand you or dismisses your approach to money?

The Solution​

Thankfully, as Jeff and I have discovered first-hand, there is a solution that is far simpler than we think.

Our research revealed that three actions dramatically reduce money tensions in marriage:

Step 1: Understand how you and your spouse uniquely respond to money (the “it’s not about the money” stuff).
Step 2: Then, using that knowledge, learn to talk about money with your spouse.
Step 3: Then, take the technical/budgeting steps necessary to build financial cushion.

The reason most of us have difficulty creating a working financial plan—or avoid talking about the plan to begin with—is that we’re taking actions in the wrong order. Unless you and your spouse are already on the same page about money (which two out of ten couples are), most of us simply have to be able to talk well about money before we can plan! And to talk well about money, we have to understand what is going on inside ourselves and inside our partner.

Once that happens, talking about money comes almost naturally—because each of you feel that your spouse has empathy, care, and a desire to honor what matters to you. And the kindness inherent in that approach lowers defenses that may have been up for years.

So What Was Going On With the Chinese Food?​

Here’s what Jeff and I realized was going on under the surface whenever we had tension about takeout versus grilling at home.

For me, I was subconsciously calculating the takeout’s value in far more than just dollars, as a way of making our lives better: Jeff and I are exhausted, the kids have been going in all different directions, and if we grill the chicken there will be prep and cooking and clean up and then it’ll be time to start homework . . . so $35 to buy a precious hour of family time? You bet!



For Jeff, who is a classic saver, however, his value was also about much more than those particular dollars: If we spend that money now, that’s money we won’t have to pay for unexpected expenses or retirement, but if we use the Costco chicken, we already have we can still enjoy dinner and save the money—a win-win scenario!

Jeff was looking out for the long-term financial security of our family, while I was trying to create closeness for the family now. We were both seeking our family’s good, but our definitions of “good” were different.

How To Start the Conversation Around Money​

And that is how it is for most couples. We aren’t at odds about wanting the best for the family, but our contrasting thoughts, feelings and approaches about finances can make it seem like we are pitted against one another. Thankfully, once we start seeing each other’s heart, everything changes.

So, the next time you find yourself having tension about money, stop and realize: This is not about the money. Look for what it is about—and respond to that. Suddenly, you’ll find money changing from being an opportunity for conflict, to being an opportunity for real connection.


It may feel awkward at first, but (trust us on this!) it gets easier as you go. And remember: whether you end up getting the Orange Chicken or opting for the home-grilled Costco variety, the most important thing is to enjoy it together.

 

[RiverOL]

Does Your Child Have a Match or a Torch Temperament?​

My good friend Vince DiCaro, Chief Outreach Officer for Care Net, offered the below insight about parenting.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
My son was sitting in his car seat as we drove home from daycare at the end of a long day. He was holding his lunch bag in his hand. He always has to have something in this hand… Then, something about the lunch bag suddenly annoyed him, so he frantically threw it down, it landed on his legs, and he kicked vigorously to make sure it ended up on the floor of the car. Then he was quiet. We listened to music in silence for the rest of the 15-minute drive home.


This happens a lot with Little Vinny. He is a bundle of emotions, needing only the slightest prompt for him to erupt into an emotional – happy, sad, angry, annoyed – storm for the next… 5 seconds.
Yes, it is true. My son has the shortest emotional outbursts I have ever seen in a human being. He is a “match.” Doesn’t take much to light it, it burns bright and hot for a few seconds, and then it is out, with little sign that anything ever happened.

I have only had one two-year-old son in my life, and I have never spent more than a few minutes with any other two-year-old, so I am certainly not an expert on toddler temperaments. But my guess is that there are lots of two-year-olds like mine.
But I have also heard stories of two-year-olds who are not matches, but “torches.” They are not set off too easily, but when they are, they burn for a long time. They stew and fuss and are moody and unbearable for minutes or hours.

I am not sure what is “better,” a match or a torch. The good thing about my son is that he rarely is in a bad mood for more than a few minutes. But he can go from being in a good mood to a bad mood so quickly and for the silliest reasons. On the other hand, he can go from bad mood to good mood quickly, too.


A torch on the other hand would be “easier” in that his or her moods would be more stable. No emotional roller coasters from minute to minute. “Oh, Johnny is in a good mood today. Great.” At our house, it’s, “Vinny is in a good mood right now. Great.” But with torches, I would imagine it could be stressful to know that your child is in “one of his moods” that may last for hours. We never have that problem with Vinny.
What is your child – a match or a torch? What do you think is easier to handle for parents?

 

[RiverOL]

5 Things Every Married Couple Should Do​

GUEST POST by Debra Fileta
“You’ve got to make time to invest in your marriage.”
If you’re married, it’s likely you’ve heard that phrase at least once. In fact, I was visiting a good friend recently and we were talking about our respective marriages when that topic came up.

The conversation we were having revolved around the idea that people are constantly telling young married couples to “invest in their marriage” without explaining what on earth that actually means.

While it sounds like a noble idea, the concept of “investing in your marriage” can seem so far away for many couples, particularly during the first decade of marriage. Think about all that is going on during those first few years of your marriage. If you’re anything like us, most likely, you’re raising young children, sleep deprived, worn out from work, all the while trying to survive financially, make meals, and somehow keep the house from looking like a hurricane passed through it.
It’s hard to figure out how to find the time or energy to “invest” in one more thing during these busy seasons of life.

As a professional counselor, I know that offering blanket statements like telling people to invest in their marriage, can often discourage more than encourage. So, in a practical sense, what does it actually mean to invest in your marriage when life is crazy and beyond? Here are a few bite-sized things to consider doing as a way to invest in your marriage:

1. CONNECT SPIRITUALLY
One of the most beautiful aspects of marriage comes with the opportunity to emotionally and spiritually connect with another human being. Add to that, the gift of Christian marriage that gives us an opportunity to connect, not only with one another, but with a holy and almighty God. Oftentimes, believing couples tend to take their spiritual connection for granted, forgetting that some of the most intimate moments in marriage are when we’re sharing our hearts, communicating what’s in our spirit, and interacting about our relationship with God.

I can honestly tell you that some of the most intimate times I spend with my husband are the moments we sit, hand in hand, at the end of the day and just pray about whatever is going on in our lives. It’s a simple act, yet has a supernatural outcome. If you’re looking for a really powerful way of investing in your marriage, consider setting some time aside weekly or even daily to pray together and share about what God is doing in each of your lives.

2. COMMUNICATE REGULARLY
Believe it or not, the average married couple spends just minutes a day in active and meaningful communication. It’s also a known fact that communication gets less and less with each year of marriage. I don’t know about you, but hearing that saddens me, because there is so much joy in being able to communicate with your spouse. When it comes to communicating, it’s important to realize that there are levels of conversation. Facts are the most superficial level, followed by opinions and ideas, followed by the deepest level of sharing our feelings and emotions with one another. That can be uncomfortable for some people, depending on how they were raised or the kind of communication they’ve grown accustomed to.

But the truth is, each level of conversation is important, and has to be deliberately worked into conversation. If you want to do something small that will have a big impact on your marriage, set aside 10-20 minutes a day sitting face to face with your spouse, for the sole purpose of communicating. Don’t let this be the time to discuss conflict or problems, but just a time to catch up and keep up with one another. Consider asking open-ended questions like: What was the best part of your day today? or What’s something I can do to help you out this week? The goal of this time is to enjoy each other and encourage one another.

3. TOUCH OFTEN
Before we had children, I remember observing a couple we were friends with who had children. Between feeding their kids at meal times, and keeping them entertained and occupied during our fellowship time, I noticed that they hardly ever had any physical contact with each other. No hand-holding. No snuggling on the couch. No arms around the shoulder. Fast forward a few years and a few kids later, and I totally understand the struggle of trying to connect physically with your spouse, all while being pulled in a million different directions.

But even during seasons of life when it’s hard to come by, physical touch is such an important part of investing in your marriage. Take inventory of your marriage, and find times (or even schedule times if you have to!) where you can be deliberate about holding hands, kissing often, making love, or even doing something as simple as touching your spouse’s back as you pass them in the kitchen. Physical touch conveys to your spouse that: I notice you, I desire you, and I want to be near you. Talk about a great investment!

4. CONFESS AND FORGIVE FREQUENTLY
As much as we talk about confession and forgiveness within the church, I believe we often fail to apply it in the context of our marriages, because let’s be honest, it’s a hard task! The idea of being vulnerable and sharing your weaknesses and shortcomings with another person can be a really hard pill to swallow…which is precisely why God calls us to do it. The practice of letting down our pride in the act of confession opens the door for the opportunity to forgive, which is the sacred glue that holds marriages together.

The couples I see in my practice who are highly satisfied in marriage, are not the ones who have the least amount of disagreement, but the ones who have the most forgiveness. God has forgiven each one of us of so much, and those who live in that freedom are freed to forgive others. Invest in your marriage by taking the time to search your heart frequently, being honest with your spouse about the things you are longing to change and the areas you need to ask for forgiveness.

5. “GET AWAY” WEEKLY
They say that couples who “pray together stay together”. But I think it can also be said that couples who play together, have the most fun! Life can get busy, and the stress of it all can make us lose sight of the fact that God wants us to enjoy one another and the life he’s given us. Invest in your marriage by taking one time a week and setting aside the time to go out (or stay in if you can’t afford a weekly sitter) and do something fun! Play a board game on the living room floor, go out for a fun dinner, take a hike, pack a picnic lunch, or even go on a scenic drive. The possibilities are endless, and what you’re doing matters so much less than who you’re doing it with. Rekindle your love for one another, by rekindling your friendship.

Investing in your marriage often means doing small things deliberately that will ultimately have a huge impact. Whether you’ve been married for 5 days, or 50 years, it’s never too early or too late to start making a difference in your marriage.

So, how do you and your spouse “invest” in your marriage?

 

[RiverOL]

A CHRISTIAN IS ODD FOR GOD: A Study in 1 Peter​

Most non-Christians see Christians as odd. Giving your money to God is odd. Not having sex outside of marriage is odd. Not getting drunk or high is odd. Forgiving your enemy is odd. And, having a personal relationship with someone you cannot see sounds like kids having an imaginary friend, and that’s really odd.
Conversely, living in this world as a Christian is odd for us.

Paying for insurance that covers murdering babies but not taking vitamins is odd. Paying the public schools to undermine most of your values is odd. Paying for politicians to erode your freedoms to live out your faith is odd. Seeing the rainbow God chose as the sign of the Noahic covenant to never flood this sinful planet again is odd to see on guys dressed up like the Village People. Constantly being invited to pride parades, the very problem that got Satan kicked out of heaven and unleashed hell on the earth, is also odd.


Living as a Christian, feeling odd, in a world that considers you odd, is an odd place to be. This is why 1 Peter was written and why we need to study it. After years of wearing a reversible jersey and repeatedly changing from Team Jesus to not Team Jesus, as a seasoned older man Peter had finally learned some lessons the hard way and was ready to coach the new members of Team Jesus. Peter’s lesson is that our life is filled with troubles, trials and temptations that cause problems, pains, and perils. The good news, however, is that, like a gardener, God uses the manure of this world as fertilizer to increase the fruitfulness of our lives in four ways:

1. Your test is for your testimony.

• “You have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” (1 Peter 1:6–7)
• “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.” (1 Peter 4:12)
• “The Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials.” (2 Peter 2:9)

1. When people judge you, don’t worry as Jesus will judge them and vindicate you.

• “And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one’s deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile.” (1 Peter 1:17)
• “They will give account to him who is ready to judge the living and the dead.” (1 Peter 4:5)
• “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:10)
• “But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.” (1 Peter 4:13)

1. Don’t treat them as they treat you, treat them as He treats you.

• “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.” (1 Peter 2:23)
• “Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.” (1 Peter 2:12)
• “In your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame.” (1 Peter 3:15–16)

1. This is as close to hell as you will ever get, so keep going ‘til you’re Home.

• “. . . in the sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ . . .” (1 Peter 1:2)
• “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory.” (1 Peter 1:6–8)
• “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence.” (2 Peter 1:3)
• “But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen.” (2 Peter 3:18)

To encourage someone is to put courage into them. At some point, every Christian needs courage to continue to stand up for Christ in our falling down world. You need courage if you want to live with, for, and like Christ. The Perfect Spirit says it perfectly through the imperfect Peter, “My purpose in writing is to encourage you and assure you that what you are experiencing is truly part of God’s grace for you.

Stand firm in this grace” (1 Peter 5:12 NLT). Like any soldier in a battle, you need to stand firm and hold your ground until you see Jesus coming on the clouds of Heaven riding a white horse wielding His sword to end the battle. For those who want it, God’s grace is available to put steel in your spine as it did Peter. Life is odd. God is good. That’s the message of Peter.

 

[RiverOL]

Getting Your Friend Back​

Have you ever noticed how under educated Mary Magdelene and the disciples were immediately following the resurrection? Yet, similarly, have you ever noticed how full of joy they were? Stay with me. Consider how John describes these people on the first Easter morning:

First, Jesus had to tell Mary not to hold on to him when she finally realized who he was in the garden.


Second, when the disciples saw the resurrected Jesus, John says they were “overjoyed” when they saw him.

This reveals something we need to lean into. Mary Magdelene could not contain her emotions and ran to embrace Jesus three days after his death. Likewise, the disciples – when they saw him – were beyond joy. John also tells his readers that they did not yet understand the implications of the resurrection. No post-resurrection theological education. No books. No Sunday School classes. No seminary professors. No systematic theology lectures. Figuring out what the resurrection meant would come. But it would come later.

This begs a question: “If they didn’t yet grasp the weight of Jesus rising from the dead, why were they overcome with joy?”

Because they had their friend back.

They had the one they loved and treasured being with, again. Apparently, Mary and the disciples didn’t love realities about Jesus. They actually loved him. They didn’t love doctrines about Jesus. They loved Jesus, the person. They missed him. They hurt when he was gone. Their hearts were hollow when he went away. To be sure, the realities and doctrines would come. To be sure, the implications of the resurrection would eventually dig a deeper cavern of love and devotion. But when they had Jesus – the person; Jesus – the friend; Jesus – the one they so enjoyed being with back – they couldn’t contain their excitement.

When was the last time you truly enjoyed, not just learning about, but being with Jesus?

 

[RiverOL]

Real Men Get Sleep​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . for I am fearfully and wonderfully made—Psalm 139:14​

Our physical frames matter. People see God in and through them. We have spiritual natures, yes, but our physical frames give our spiritual selves home. They also give home to God the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 3:16-17). From an eternal perspective, they’re temporary. But our actions here and now affect our eternities—and we act, here and now, through our physical frames. Spiritual discipline matters more, but physical discipline and physical condition still matter (1 Timothy 4:7-8). The prevailing culture of this world tells us men our jobs should be our utmost priority—physical care is good, but must be disregarded when and if it interferes with workplace ascent. “Get it done.” “Do whatever it takes.” “Man up.” To these codes we sacrifice our physical selves, and especially our sleep. We stay late at the office; work late at home; live in hotels, on airplanes. But, this is not what our Father God intends: “It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep” (Psalm 127:2). God blesses his sons with (and in) sleep. It’s a time to restore and heal; to relinquish worry and stress; to, quite literally, leave everything to him. We should appreciate it fully, be thankful for it, accept it wholeheartedly. We’ve all felt the results when we don’t: racing hearts; pounding heads; clouded thoughts; a lack of productivity, creativity, patience; a compromised resistance to sin. We are never the husbands, fathers, friends, bosses, employees we must be, when we sacrifice sleep.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Fight for sleep. The struggle is hard, but worthy. Minimizing it is neither responsible, nor manly. We’re designed for sleep. You know how much—but, how much are you actually getting?

 

[RiverOL]

The Eucharistic Vision of Psalm 96​

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By Matthew Allen
Joy and judgement, two themes tied up closely together in Psalm 96. But how can judgement, hardly an idea that instils positive emotions of any sort, let alone joy, be so fundamental to the redemptive message of the text?
If anything, judgement is fraught with connotations of hellfire and brimstone. In what seems, at first, a counterintuitive mixing of two barely compatible subjects within the psalm, the writer is, in reality, developing a cohesive theology of reconciliation.


A question older than Christianity itself takes the stage: How does God restore sinful humanity to a right standing before him? As with many a Bible passage, there is much in Psalm 96 that surprises.
But the progression to joy via judgement is perhaps, though it seems an unlikely progression on the face of things, less puzzling to those who belong within the ‘high church’ tradition of Christianity. For the Anglican, Lutheran or Catholic reader, God enacts his reconciliation of wayward mankind — his invitation, through judgement, into joy — through the Eucharist, or the Blessed Sacrament.

Whenever the faithful celebrate the sacred mysteries, as the body of Christ is broken and his blood poured out, an event of cosmic significance unfolds under the parish roof. No matter how many times a believer may participate over the course of a lifetime, the meaning of the Eucharist remains profound as on the day of their Confirmation.
To those in attendance, God unveils the heights of his powers to bring blessing out of weakness. More than this, God’s work of reconciliation is built into the rhythms of daily life, the simple act of showing up for Eucharist. ‘Shew forth his salvation from day to day,’ the Psalmist enjoins in verse 2. The dawn of salvation is in the ringing of church bells.


For the purpose of this article, ‘high church’ is an adjective. It embraces Anglicans (like myself), Lutherans and Catholics. In obedience to verse 8, ‘Give unto the Lord the glory due unto his name,’ these traditions place great emphasis on the offering up to God the Father of Christ, ‘our sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving.’
And with Christ appearing in the holy gifts of bread and wine, we truly ‘worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness,’ as verse 9 commands. Because it incarnates great theological truth, indeed infuses the real presence of Christ himself, into the physical world, a service of Holy Eucharist is also an aesthetic experience. It immerses the believer in beauty itself.

Nothing compares to parish ministry for binding believers to the community on their doorstep. And the chance to receive God’s grace in a local setting, as in verse 6, is the wonder of church done within the parish model. ‘Strength and beauty are in his sanctuary.’
Seldom do theologians remark on how contrary to prevailing political ideology an emphasis on the nearby parish really is. Whereas modern liberalism, the midwife of globalisation, is eroding our sense of place (Deneen, Why Liberalism Failed 77-82), the Eucharist is an invitation to witness miracles just around the corner.


John Wesley gave to Methodism his famous phrase, ‘The world is my parish.’ This, while noble, is at odds with genuine parochial ministry. Caring for the wider world, indeed maintaining dialogue with a global Communion, does not exclude the vital concept of local parishes as a special category.

Psalm 96, notably in verses 4 to 5, banishes cosmopolitan polytheism in favour of Israel’s national monotheism. But its aperture is narrower still. ‘Bring an offering, and come into his courts,’ verse 8 invites the reader. This imperative language insists that the reader draw near to God, specifying the place of encounter: God’s own house, be it cathedral or chapel.

The sacramental drama never was a travelling roadshow, communion for the housebound excepted. Rather, the joyful feast is the mainstay of the local parish. And so, settled in the pews, the first act of Eucharistic theatre begins.

Judgement: ‘Of things exactly as they are’​

Verse 13 portrays the coming of the Lord as an event unfolding in the present, ‘for he cometh, for he cometh to judge the earth.’ As if to emphasise the immediacy of God’s in-breaking, to drive home the absence of delay, ‘for he cometh’ occurs twice.


When it comes to the return of Christ, as understood in the popular imagination, Christian music has had a huge impact. Some evangelical minds — thanks to a 90s praise band favourite! — are captive to the rapturous vision of a glorified Christ, ‘riding on the clouds, shining like the sun, at the trumpet call,’ to take his place as the cosmic judge.

While the Nicene Creed certainly endorses this apocalyptic portrait, with all its attention-grabbing appeal to the senses — ‘He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead’ — there is also much to be said for Flannery O’Connor’s pointed observation, ‘Every day is judgment day,’ which gets lost amid colourful prophecies, even doomsday predictions, of the Second Advent. What is overlooked, however, in painting judgement as a single day of reckoning?
Perhaps O’Connor’s intuition arises from the novelist’s Roman Catholic background and her attendant sacramental beliefs. There is a case to be made that for those whose regard for the sacraments is high, as O’Connor’s was, as an American cradle Catholic, the presence of God’s judgement is more easily discernible wherever it appears.

The whole point of a sacrament, after all, is to make visible the course of spiritual realities in the life of the believer, thereby making perceptible the abstract. One such truth is that of judgement, and nowhere else in Christian practice is the shock of God’s judgement — and the grace it releases — more palpable than in the Eucharist.
When a thing is judged, it is revealed utterly for what it is. Judgement brings a thing into the light in order to receive the appraisal of the same God who made it, leaving nothing concealed. And the focal point of God’s judgement here on earth, where matters of judgement are translated, is the altar of sacrifice.

From the lofty position of the chancel to the lifting of the chalice by the priest, Eucharistic practice crystallises attention onto the sacramental act. Indeed, sacrifice and visibility come as a pair in Hebrew scripture.
Transparency before God is a salient theme of Genesis 22, the perplexing narrative which narrates the binding of Isaac on Mount Moriah. ‘In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen.’ On the altar there can be no room for pretence. Bread is bread. Wine is wine.
Blessed are you Lord God of all creation:


Through your goodness we have this bread to set before you, which earth has given and human hands have made.
Blessed are you Lord God of all creation:
Through your goodness we have this wine to set before you, fruit of the vine and work of human hands.

Only then, having been judged, after the moment of true recognition, can anything be transformed:
It will become for us the bread of life.
Blessed be God for ever.
It will become for us the cup of salvation.
Blessed be God forever.

What is the standard by which God judges? In verse 13 lies the answer, ‘He shall judge the world with righteousness, and the people with his truth.’
Righteousness, the truth of how things are, the ordering logic that God has written into the fabric of the universe, is the balance in which the Creator weighs all things. And when the sinner sees the divine light, is revealed for who they are, and finds forgiveness, God shares the gift of his presence, by which all who repent are transformed.
From beginning to end, God is blessed: in creating and in restoring. ‘Behold, I make all things new.’

Joy Through Judgement​

For what aim does God remake his creation through judgement? What objective could be so important as to form the goal of God’s redemptive purpose?
Once more, Psalm 96 has the answer, though the passage is not a linear presentation of a logically reasoned argument. At the top of the psalm, oddly enough, is found the purpose towards which the judgement it envisions is directed.
O sing unto the Lord a new song:


Sing unto the Lord, all the earth.
Sing unto the Lord, bless his name;
Simply joy. Modern education preaches ‘critical thinking’ mistrust of straightforward answers, but even the most hardened cynic would scarcely deny the simple beauty of living in pursuit of divine joy. There is no higher purpose — in a world where the goalposts of success are constantly shifting — than to worship God ‘in spirit and truth.’

(On a side note, this verse, John 4:24, when poorly interpreted, gives the impression that God is demanding his people to bring something to the act of worship without having been assisted by grace. This is not the vision of the Eucharist. God supplies the Spirit and God reveals the Truth.)
Nothing is more exasperating, few things less fulfilling, than bending over backwards on the daily to fit whatever this week’s definition of success happens to be. But when the real purpose of life is rediscovered, happiness follows naturally.

Reformed theology expresses this in the Westminster Catechism’s first response, ‘Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever.’ In one short sentence, the Catechism has nailed the meaning of life!
But the same, as the Psalmist will show, applies to creation in its totality, as the world erupts in joyful song. With praises rising from every corner of the globe, verses 11 to 12 spirit us away for a bird’s-eye tour of all creation.
From the heights of the heavens, we plunge to the earth, sail the roaring seas, glide over fields, and alight in a leafy wood. A fizz of celebration bubbles up from every direction.
Let the heavens rejoice, and let the earth be glad;


Let the sea roar, and the fulness thereof.
Let the field be joyful, and all that is therein:
Then shall all the trees of the wood rejoice.

Not a soul-destroying city scrubland in sight. Urban despair is nowhere to be seen. ‘The former things are passed away.’ While these vivid images of a natural world restored seem distant from a time-worn chapel on a rainy day, the Blessed Sacrament it accommodates, the transformation of ordinary bread and wine into spiritual gifts, brings the new creation within tantalising proximity.

‘Happy are those who are called to his supper,’ filled with joy to hear the song of a young creation, judged and reconciled, on the move towards its eternal destiny. This is the joy of the Eucharist.
O Sacrament most Holy,
O Sacrament Divine,
All praise and all thanksgiving,
Be every moment Thine.

 

[RiverOL]

Holding on to the Solid Rock in Turbulent Times​

Bell Rock Lighthouse, illustration by Miss Stevenson, in Alan Stevenson: Biographical Sketch of the Late Robert Stevenson: Civil Engineer. W. Blackwood, 1861. {{PD-US-expired}} The illustration appears to be inspired by Jesus’ parable of the wise and foolish builders: “This parable compares building one’s life on the teachings and example of Jesus to a flood-resistant building founded on solid rock.”

The sands of time and fortune keep shifting below our feet. Hurricane Ida is picking up steam and is expected to rage against the Gulf Coast. COVID is wreaking havoc on countless people. Yesterday, the family of a friend of mine prepared to say goodbye to their critically ill parents who contracted COVID several days ago. The US is pulling out of Afghanistan August 30th. That’s nearly twenty years after moving in to remove the Taliban, to take out al-Qaeda and Osama Bin Laden (whom the Taliban protected), to eliminate terrorism, and to foster democratic rule. This Tuesday, the Taliban will be back in charge, while just a few days ago suicide bombers took out the precious lives of US soldiers and civilians at Kabul’s airport. The hope for democracy and all that it entails for freedom appears to lie in tatters there. My adult son Christopher lies in bed at a thirty degree angle most of his days and nights after suffering a traumatic brain injury in January of this year. What do we hold on to for comfort and security in turbulent times?

Days go, when I visited Christopher’s room at his care facility, news of the chaos surrounding the pullout from Afghanistan resounded from the television. While it’s not easy to discern given Christopher’s minimally conscious state, he appeared to be watching as well as processing what I had to say about the horrific events of September 11, 2001, the invasion of Afghanistan, and the US’s approaching exit. Christopher has always been quite keen to discuss world affairs, so I thought and hoped he would find this discussion meaningful.

During that visit, I didn’t share with Christopher Bob Dylan’s live performance of the song “Solid Rock,” which Dylan did shortly after Russia invaded Afghanistan in 1979. But you can listen to it here. Dylan spoke about that invasion and the fleeting reality of peace and security in our world. I often return to that live performance of “Solid Rock” these days, as well as the words Dylan shared from 1 Timothy 3:16 before he and his band broke into “Solid Rock.” While Dylan has always been a controversial figure, and even spoke to the audience of the controversy his words about Russia and the Middle East stirred, neither he nor the Apostle Paul thought there was any controversy regarding the Solid Rock to which they held:

“And without controversy great is the mystery of godliness: God was manifest in the flesh, justified in the Spirit, seen of angels, preached unto the Gentiles, believed on in the world, received up into glory.” (1 Timothy 3:16; KJV)

Dylan paraphrased the text after sharing with his audience that while he did not know what they had to hold onto, he had a solid rock to which he held in the midst of the world’s turbulence. I’m hanging on to that same rock. The song refrain keeps playing in my mind these days: “I won’t let go.” No, I won’t. Not only will I not let go, “I can’t let go.” I plan on playing that live performance for Christopher today.
To be completely honest with you, I have never felt so much upheaval and emotional vertigo. Hardly anything is secure these days. Every day when I visit my son, I am reminded of how quickly the sands of time and fortune shift. What does the future hold for my son? What does it hold for anyone of us? Who or what do we hold onto? Who holds onto us?

Christopher was making more sounds than usual last night. I guess that is good. He had a fever when his Mom and I entered the room, but it was gone the next time the nurse checked. That is very good. His hand was shaking for whatever reason early on, so I held it and sought to provide words of comfort as he looked up at me. He relaxed. Being with Christopher always relaxes me. It was exceptionally good and comforting to be with him last night. It is all the more comforting to know that the Solid Rock is there with him when we can’t be.

You and I can debate COVID vaccines and American foreign policy. There are so many controversies that can consume our waking hours. But as 1 Timothy 3:16 proclaims, “without controversy great is the mystery of godliness.” There’s no controversy in my mind that God was manifest in the flesh. I bank on that good news and am convinced that Jesus walks the halls with me when I visit my son day or night at his rehabilitative care facility. I take hold of the fact that God justified Jesus as the Truth in raising him from the dead in the Spirit.

My Lord brings that resurrection power with him to bear on people’s lives in the face of death and as they are thrown against the rocks of despair. Angels have born witness to the Solid Rock, as have countless people across the world. He ascended in glory and is not subject to the shifting sands of time and fortune. Just as I will not and cannot let go of my son, who sometimes squeezes my hand, I will not and cannot let go of my Solid Rock who holds my beloved Christopher in his hand. Who or what will we hold onto? Whose words do we take to heart and put into practice? Jesus, the Solid Rock, says at the close of the Sermon on the Mount:

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” (Matthew 7:24-27; NIV)

The sands of time and fortune are a-changin’. A hard rain’s a-gonna fall. How weak or strong is the foundation we’ve been building upon?

 

[RiverOL]

6 Tips to Overcoming Fear of Commitment​

A recent survey found that 84% of women and 82% of men in the US crave commitment and report that being married someday is “very” or “somewhat” important to them. That said, many people seek lasting commitment, often in the form of marriage. This can be a healthy desire if we bring realistic expectations to it. But many adults don’t have a healthy template of marriage to follow when it comes to nurturing and sustaining a committed relationship, making it difficult to know where to start.


Are young adults abandoning commitment all together? No exactly but over the last fifty years, there has been a quiet shift in the landscape of family life in America. Approximately 50 percent of adults over age eighteen marry; this number is compared to 72% in 1960, according to The Pew Research Center. The medium age at first marriage has never been higher for brides (26.5 years) and grooms (28.7years) according to this report.
Some think this decline is because the progression of individualism has made it more difficult for couples to achieve satisfying and stable relationships. Others believe that changes, such as increasing acceptance of singlehood and cohabitation, have made our lives richer because we have more opportunities for personal growth.


Most observers agree that ambiguity in romantic relationships is on the increase in the past decade and options range from friends with benefits to indecision about permanent commitment. Perhaps one the most compelling reasons is cultural since the first generation of children to grow up witnessing mass divorce are now making their own decisions about love and commitment.
In fact, fear of relationship failure plagues many of us who grew up in a culture of divorce, even if our parents stayed together. It makes sense that people in their 20’s and 30’s might hedge their bets and see relationships as risky if they watched their parents’ marriage fail or even relatives and friend’s parents’ marriage collapse.

6 Tips to Overcoming Your Fear of Commitment:

1. Face your fear of commitment. If you still have baggage from the past that is unresolved, do your best to seek counseling or attend a support group.
2. Don’t let your “What Ifs” get in your way. This might range from “What if I get hurt” to “What if this relationship ends in divorce.” Challenge your thinking and don’t give in to self-sabotaging thoughts.
3. Remember that life is more rewarding when you take risks and make a commitment to someone who seems to be a good match for you and is trustworthy. If you wait for the perfect partner or soul mate you may never find love. This doesn’t mean that you should settle for less than you deserve.
4. Take your time dating someone and make sure you’ve known them for at least two years to reduce your chance of divorce. What’s the rush? Give yourself the chance to really get to know a new partner gradually so you can develop a true friendship.
5. Make sure that you have common values with individuals who you date. If you marry someone with drastically different values, you will face complex issues that could put you more at risk for divorce.
6. Learn to trust your judgment and be consistent with your commitment. Commitment to someone you love and consider your best friend and partner is not an on-again, off-again proposition.

If you fear commitment like many people, you might want to consider the following: Know that no relationship is conflict free, but you are worthy of having a relationship that makes you happy. If you aren’t there yet, embrace where you are now.

What is it that holds you back from achieving a satisfying relationship? And once you have it, what will you do when you get there? These questions can help guide you to making a decision that is best for you. Remember, commitment to the right person, who you are compatible with, can bring joy and happiness. But by all means take your time and don’t let others pressure you into making a commitment before you are ready.

 

[RiverOL]

7 Warning Signs of a Manipulative Partner​

Manipulation is insidious. It makes you doubt your own perceptions and can keep you from even realizing that you are being manipulated. If you do manage to figure out that something is not quite adding up, that does not mean you can automatically shake off all manipulation. Manipulators are excellent at playing on your strongest emotions, and emotional reactions tend to bypass your better sense. A master manipulator could essentially tell you to your face that he is going to make you feel guilty and still manage to make you feel responsible for everything all the way back to the original sin.


Manipulators can do their best work when they have easy access to a person and are familiar with the person’s vulnerabilities. This is why manipulative partners are so dangerous. They know every crack in your armor and are happy to exploit them all. A relationship with such a person is always going to be unequal, and it will drain you of all your energy. You deserve much better than that, but yanking a manipulator’s claws out of your soul is not easy. It is far better to keep them from getting a good grip in the first place. Here are seven warning signs of a manipulative partner that mean you need to get out before it is too late.

They are always the victim.​

In a relationship, it is inevitable that someone will eventually say something harsh or do something stupid that hurts the other person. Often, the blame for fights is split equally, and each partner knows that they have been the bad guy before when it comes to those little hurts. A manipulator, however, never takes ownership of the fact that they are partially responsible for an argument or that they hurt you. Instead, it is always your fault and your fault alone. Even when you are the one who has been hurt, you are somehow responsible for your own pain. You made them hurt you. You were too sensitive. You should know better than to rile them up like that. If your partner is forever the victim in every disagreement or is forever making you feel guilty, you are almost certainly dealing with a manipulator.

Loads of last minute decisions.​

Manipulators tend to use a lot of the same tactics that used car salesmen practice. One of the classics is never giving you time to actually think through a decision. Both manipulators and car salesmen will demand an answer right now. Salesmen may tell you that the great deal they are offering will vanish as soon as you walk out the door. Manipulators may neglect to mention something important at all until right before a decision must be made.

Choosing to extend the lease or move out has to be decided the day the paperwork is due. Whether or not you are going on vacation with your manipulative lover is something that must be handled immediately. You are constantly barraged by important decisions that must be made right then and there. When this happens, your partner is not simply forgetful or unorganized. They are deliberately trying to keep you from being able to think through your decisions. That way, they are more likely to be able to get you to make the decision they want.

Foot in the door theorem.​

There is a theory in psychology called “foot in the door technique.” The idea is that a person who agrees to a small request is more likely to agree to a subsequent larger request. The method is effective and so simple to understand that even children have been known to put it to use when they want something from their parents. Manipulators are also aware of how well the technique works, and they use it often. If your partner’s requests always build up to something unreasonable, you are likely dealing with a manipulator. The reason they always start out with small, perfectly acceptable requests is that they know you will refuse to do what they really want if they start out with that. So, they work up to it, and if you try and say no halfway up the chain to their real desire, they fall back on guilt trips to try and get you to agree.

The silent treatment and monosyllabic answers.​

Everyone knows someone whose default response to being angry with someone is to pretend that the subject of their anger does not exist. If they absolutely have to speak to that person, getting more than a single word is like pulling teeth from an angry wolverine without anesthesia. Everything they say is a single word. They also insist on saying that they are “fine” when it is abundantly obvious to everyone that they are anything but fine.

They make everyone beg to find out what is wrong, and then act like they are bestowing some grand gift upon people by answering their questions. If this is your lover’s basic state, you are likely dealing with a manipulator. They are trying to make you grovel for their forgiveness even when you have no idea what on earth you have done to anger them. The odds are good as well that whatever has them in such a snit is minor at best. With manipulators, the silent treatment is nothing more than a power play.

Lying and gaslighting.​

Lying is perhaps the most basic tool in the manipulator’s arsenal. After all, if they are a good liar, they can say anything they want. Gaslighting is another potent weapon against someone who does not expect it. Gaslighting is the malicious art of subtly altering someone’s perception of past events. It is the sort of manipulation that is hard to detect when it is happening to you.

After all, everyone knows that their memory is imperfect which makes it easy for a master manipulator to convince you that something was subtly different than you remember. They were defensive of you, not possessive. That person was deliberately cruel rather than someone who simply put their foot in their mouth. This makes gaslighting extremely insidious and difficult to recognize. If you suspect your lover is lying or gaslighting you, write down your perception of events as soon as possible. Record their interpretation on a different page. Comparing the two may help you find a pattern.


If you discover that your partner is gaslighting you, end the relationship immediately. Gaslighting is not accidental. It is deliberate, malicious and meant to force you to become more reliant on the other person. It is a form of emotional abuse and is often the herald of worse emotional abuse or physical abuse. Protect yourself and leave immediately.

 

[RiverOL]

Responsibility, Control, and When to Let Go​

We humans have an uncanny ability. Somehow, we try to control too much. At the same time, we avoid taking responsibility for what we can control. We blame others when our responsibilities aren’t met while we try desperately to adopt the responsibilities of others.
Ownership is an important part of life. Taking responsibility for what is truly ours. So is empowerment, the ability to let go of things that are not ours to carry.

Walking the Tightrope​

Innately, we recognize there is a balance to be found. There are things out of our control and things within them. An improper treatment of the balance leads to victim mentality and co-dependency. But a healthy understanding allows us to make our choices with confidence and let go of the things that do not belong to us.

If we lean too far one way or the other, it can be dizzying and make us feel weightless. It can result in frustration, confusion and danger.
But walking the tightrope properly allows us to be the people we are meant to be within the community we are meant to serve. None of us is inadequate in and of ourselves. But none are at their best in the absence of community.


To be engaged in healthy relationships, we must be able to discern what belongs to us and what does not.

The Three Things​

We can only control three things in this world. Our attitude/perspective, our choices, and whom we trust. That’s it. Three things for just one person out of the billions on this planet.
By naming these three things and focusing our attention, we can free ourselves from wasting so much time trying to manipulate all of the factors, people, and circumstances that will stubbornly refuse our efforts to control them.

There is a freedom that comes in letting go. We shackle ourselves to the need to control everything. The three things we can control focus us in, setting boundaries to establish what is me and what is not me. These boundaries result in the freedom to do and be who we are, not to mention interact with the world around us, without the false weight of stolen responsibilities.

In the same vein, taking ownership of these three things will feed the longing inside of us to participate and take meaningful action. It’s not that we should do nothing. There is danger on that side of the spectrum too. We should do what we are meant to do. Nothing less and nothing more.

 

[RiverOL]

Flipping the Script on Shame and Shaming​

Today’s guest post comes from Gregg Ten Elshof, who is a Professor of Philosophy at Biola University. In addition to Confucius for Christians (which I reviewed here), he just published (today!) For Shame: Rediscovering the Virtues of a Maligned Emotion, for which I wrote the foreword.

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Something strange is happening when it comes to how people perceive shame. On the one hand, there is a growing and passionate consensus that shame is toxic and that we do well to eradicate it from the range of routinely felt human emotions. A large and rapidly growing body of empirical research correlates felt shame with anxiety, depression, suicide, eating disorders, rage, and other manifestations of dysfunction. So, resources abound that aim to inoculate us from the painful experience of shame.

On the other hand, we seem increasingly friendly to shaming other people as a strategy for pursuing social agendas. Overt acts of public shaming often fuel movements like #MeToo and the laudable fight for racial equality. The rise of social media makes it all too easy to effectively shame those who violate the relevant standards/norms.

And the shame experienced by those on the receiving end of these shaming events is sometimes utterly life-destroying. Even those who don’t actively shame perpetrators evince a seemingly insatiable appetite for accounts of public shaming, and tacitly endorse these public shamings by unceasingly consuming the stories and sharing them with friends.

To Shame or Not to Shame?​

So which is it? Is shame an intrinsically toxic and life-destroying emotion? Or is shame a fruitful (even if painful) emotion that can and often should be deployed with great effect to shape ours into a healthier, more accepting, less abusive society?
Could both be true? Could it be that, though shame is a toxic, soul-destroying emotion, we should nevertheless endorse the shaming of others when it is in the service of those social causes about which we are most passionate? Though nobody seems to say it out loud, that looks like the position implied by the dominant trajectory of Western culture today.

But what should disciples of Jesus think? Can we follow the God of enemy love while, at the same time, endorsing public shamings, which destroy the lives of our enemies by evoking an intrinsically toxic emotional experience?
I say the answer lies in the other direction. Both claims are false. It is false that shame is an intrinsically toxic and soul-destroying emotion. And it is false that shame can and often should be deployed with great effect to shape ours into a healthier, more accepting, less abusive society. The dominant trajectory of contemporary Western society has it exactly backward. The dominant trajectory is increasingly suspicious of shame and, at the same time, increasingly accepting of public shaming as a resource for social change. Instead, we should be more suspicious of public shaming and less suspicious of felt shame.


We should be suspicious of public shaming because it is almost never motivated by love for the one shamed. And, in the more extreme cases, it often does have life-destroying effects.

We Need to Clarify the Meaning of Shame​

To understand why we should be less suspicious of felt shame requires us to say what shame is. Someone undergoes shame when they are socially discredited or when their social standing is diminished. The opposite of shame is honor.
Gregg Ten Elshof, Professor of Philosophy, Biola University
To be honored is to gain social credit or to have your social standing augmented. These are not emotions. They are conditions. You can be in a condition of shame (the condition of having been socially discredited) without knowing that you are. In that case, you’ll feel no shame.

You can also be in a condition of honor (the condition of having your social standing augmented) without knowing that you are. In that case, you’ll not feel honored. But when you *do* know that you’ve been honored, a natural and positive emotion accompanies that recognition — you *feel* honored. And when you know that you’ve been shamed — that you’ve been socially discredited — there is a natural and negative emotion accompanying that recognition — you *feel* shame.
Felt shame is that painful emotional sting that you feel when you are (or imagine yourself to be) shamed or socially discredited. Felt shame, then, is your soul’s natural way of alerting you to the fact that something is amiss — that you’ve been shamed or discredited.

Pain, Shame, and Other Painful Emotions​

In this way, felt shame is like any other negative emotion. When you are without companionship, your soul’s natural way of alerting you to that fact is a painful emotion — loneliness. When betrayed, your soul’s natural way of alerting you to that fact is a painful emotion — felt betrayal. And when you are shamed, your soul’s natural way of alerting you to that fact is a painful emotion — felt shame.


Nobody likes these painful emotions. But neither should we want to render ourselves incapable of feeling them any more than we should want to render ourselves incapable of feeling pain when our hand is pressed up against a hot surface. Pain (emotional or otherwise) is the self’s natural way of sending the alert that something is amiss.
Like any emotion, felt shame can have healthy and unhealthy manifestations. And in its unhealthy manifestations, it can be life-destroying indeed. But, of course, the same is true of loneliness, felt betrayal, and the painful experience associated with touching a hot stove. All of these experiences, if not regulated, can be life-destroying. But none are intrinsically toxic.

Rather than insist that shame is toxic and trying to talk people out of experiencing it, we should work hard to understand when shame is and is not healthy. We should develop tools for the regulation (not elimination) of shame. And if that were our focus, we might discover that the kind of shame brought on by the public acts of shaming, which often fuel our favorite social movements, tend to be of the unhealthy, unregulated, and life-destroying variety.

 

[RiverOL]

What A Great Day​

This is a great day. This person to whom I have never been personally introduced is pretty unhappy, which, NGL, makes me pretty happy:




We just finished Obadiah in our Tuesday Bible study (it only took two weeks), and in it discovered that God was super irritated with Edom for gloating “over the day of your brother in the day of his misfortune.” Judah was lying in ruin, and Edom was rubbing his hands in glee. This disturbed me for two reasons. First of all, that’s not very nice, but second of all, what about the glimmering feelings of schadenfreude when the wicked don’t prosper? Is there ever a place to rejoice over the destruction of the ungodly? And how can you tell who is your enemy? Or if you are God’s enemy? And doesn’t God himself laugh his enemies to scorn? And isn’t Jesus sometimes awfully sarcastic about the Pharisees? Surely it’s ok to be happy sometimes about the destruction of one’s enemies.

Yes of course it is, our little class concluded, with many provisions. If you’re feeling like gloating over the destruction of your enemies, you should stop and take a quick accounting of yourself and what it is you are gloating about. In Edom’s case, they had rejected God themselves and were in no position to gloat about anything. They had been disobedient and wicked. Instead of repenting, though, they were happy when their neighbor, Judah, also fell under the judgment of God. Instead of seeing the caution for what it was–a time to repent and obey the Lord–they heaped up more trouble for themselves by closing their gates against Judean refugees and otherwise being awful.


If you’re going to indulge in a little schadenfreude, in other words, you first must make certain that you are not the baddy, which is hard, because you have done a lot of bad things. You have a lot of things to repent of, things that maybe no one has ever seen or known about. So you should start there before thinking about anything else. And from there I think loads and loads and loads of grief over all the babies who never got to see the light of day is the most appropriate feeling.

We cannot possibly know what it has done to our collective souls to have so many people disappear from human society before we even got to know or see them. But then, you know what, a little bit of joy about all the babies who might be spared–and the women who will not be invited to tread down a dark and perilous path–is totally warranted. It may be, if we go on repenting and trying to obey the Lord, that he will have mercy. And that is so much better than being laughed to scorn by the God who holds the power of life in his hand.

 

[RiverOL]

“My Cancer Is God’s Servant”: Reflections by Nanci Alcorn​

Note from Randy: Nanci read the following to me from her journal a few days ago, and I asked her if we could use it as a blog. As many of you know, she has been battling cancer for over three years now. (You can read the latest update on her CaringBridge page.)
We are grateful for everyone’s love and prayers, and are fully trusting God in this. Nanci has never doubted or questioned Him just because so far the prayers for total healing have gone unanswered. She has a big view of God, and a truly eternal perspective. I am very proud of her, and God has ministered to me through her in great ways.

My Cancer Is God’s Servant​

Lately I have been immersed in the Psalms. In them the steadfast love of God for His people is expressed during great trouble as well as great blessing. When our hearts begin to grasp the character of God as revealed in His Word, our faith and trust in His ways digs deeper into our souls. The benefits and delights of knowing and obeying God’s Word is the theme of Psalm 119. Here are a few “treasures” found in verses 68-93:

“You are good and do good… it is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes… Your hands have made and fashioned me… Those who fear you shall see me and rejoice, because I have hoped in your word… I know, O LORD [Yahweh, God’s personal name], that your rules are righteous, and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me… let your mercy come to me, that I may live; for your law is my delight… In your steadfast love give me life, that I may keep the testimonies of your mouth… you have established the earth, and it stands fast. By your appointment they stand this day, for all things are your servants.”

As is God’s promise, my meditation upon these words brought instruction and great delight to my soul. I jotted down some observations in my journal:
God is good and His deeds are good. His hands have fashioned everything in my life. It is good that He has afflicted me with cancer to:

• Learn His statutes (teach me His ways)
• Place my hope firmly in Him, causing believers to rejoice
• Recognize His righteousness in me
• Confirm His faithfulness to me
• Reveal His mercy to me
• Invoke in me a vibrant delight in His word
• Use my life to keep His testimonies

Everything in creation has been established by God and is being sustained by God. All things are subject to God’s purpose and will. “All things are God’s servants.”
The benefit and delight I received from these verses is profound:
My cancer is God’s servant in my life. He is using it in ways He has revealed to me in these verses and in many more I have yet to understand. I can rest knowing that my cancer is under the control of God who is good and does good.

 

[RiverOL]

Danger is Your Business​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

What can mere mortals do?—Psalm 56:4​

Our King, Jesus Christ, calls us to a new kind of life, his kind of life. “Follow me” is quoted more than fifteen times in the Gospels. Following him, however, goes against prevailing culture—for which safety and security are utmost priorities. The kind of life to which Jesus calls us is not safe, nor secure. Here’s a report from a man, the Apostle Paul, who lived it: “Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure” (2 Corinthians 11:24-27). God didn’t design Paul for safe or secure; nor did he us. We’re all designed for big, dangerous lives: “. . . for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7).

Okay, so what do we do?​ Insert your name into 2 Timothy 1:7: “. . . for God gave [ . . . you . . . ] a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” Read it through again. Now, fast-forward to the end of your life, imagine friends and family saying that of you: “He was fearless. He had power and love and self-control.” What do you need to begin now, to ensure those words then? What bold changes will you make? Remember, your days are numbered (Psalm 90:12). Commit, brother, to make at least one change this week.

 

[RiverOL]

7 defining values for our family​

Last night, my brilliant and beautiful wife, Ashley, and I went out on a date. It’s a weekly tradition to get away and reconnect and it’s one of the most valuable habits we’ve formed in our marriage. On this date, we had a newborn with us, but a date with a baby is still better than no date at all!
We ended up at a new restaurant which just opened up in our town. Augusta, Georgia isn’t a huge city, so whenever a new restaurant comes to town, it’s kind of a big deal for us! We’re excited to check it out and take some selfies. I’m kind of dorky like that.



When I pulled into the parking lot, I hopped out of the minivan and turned around to discover that I’d done a horrible parking job. I was nowhere close to being inside the lines. I tried to figure out how I’d parked so poorly and I realized that I parked using the car next to me as my standard instead of looking at the lines on the ground. He was parked poorly, so now I was parked poorly too.

When it comes to raising a family, I think we can make the same critical mistake. Instead of basing our “success” on a specific standard (like the parking lines), we base our decision on what everybody around us is doing (regardless of whether they’re in the lines or not).
While it is great to learn from others and have mentors, our standards for marriage and parenting can never come from playing the comparison game. Our family’s legacy must be rooted in something more solid. If we don’t know what we’re aiming for, we’ll miss every time!


Below is a set of guidelines I use as a compass to keep our family on the right track. I blow it every day (literally), but knowing the standard helps me to make corrections and keep going. If you don’t have a set of standards like this, I encourage to examine your goals and values and then develop your own standards.
Our 7 standards for success as a family (in no particular order):
1. God’s word (the Bible) is the final word.

My opinions and feelings change by the minute, so if I’m basing my parenting decisions on something fickle, our family won’t be anchored to anything. The Bible provides a clear roadmap for how a marriage and family should work.
For more on what the Bible teaches about marriage and parenting, check out my posts on 8 surprising teachings about marriage in the Bible and the 7 values every parent must teach their children.
2. A healthy marriage makes me a better parent.


I’ve seen too many couples put their marriages on hold while raising their kids only to wind up with an empty nest and an empty marriage! Give your kids the security that comes from seeing their mom and dad in a loving, committed relationship with each other. Have the kind of marriage that makes your kids actually want to get married someday!

3. Every season is a gift, so treasure every moment!
It’s easy to want to rush through the difficulties of infancy or toddlerhood or the teenage years, but when we’re always trying to rush to the next season, we miss the countless blessings of the season we’re in. Treasure every moment.



4. Time is the currency of relationships.
There’s no such thing as “quality time” because all time has the same quality. There’s no shortcut to investing a high quantity of time into our family. Time is our greatest asset and the most powerful way to invest into our family.

5. There must be unconditional love AND high expectations.
Love is given fully and freely regardless of performance. Our kids must know we love them no matter what, but they must also know we love them too much to allow them to settle for less than the best they can be. This gives them the freedom to fail with grace, to succeed with humility an to believe in themselves.



6. Success is about relationships, not accomplishments.
Accomplishments and accolades are nice, but high grades and high paychecks are nothing compared to a high value on our family and friendships. Any “success” that we achieve at the expense of our loved ones isn’t real success. At the end of my life, my faith and family will be all that matters, and I don’t want to wait until then to make them my highest priority!

7. Choose faith over fear.
We want to embrace the adventure God has for our lives with fearlessness and enthusiasm. There’s not enough room in our lives for both fear and faith, so each day, we have to decide which one gets to stay.

 

[RiverOL]

Is Fighting Inevitable In Your Relationship?​

Most of the couples that I counsel complain that they argue about the same things over and over again. One or both people feel misunderstood and unappreciated by their intimate partner.

For instance, Karen, 37, and married seven years to Tom, 38, wishes her husband would be more involved in the lives of their two kids, ages six and eight and not leave so many tasks and decisions up to her.

Karen put it like this: “When I got married, I expected that we’d quarrel a bit but we argue a lot because Tom never wants to be the bad guy so can’t say “no” to our kids and won’t set limits. Then he gets mad at me when I remind them to do chores or go to bed on time. It’s a vicious cycle of bickering and neither one of us enjoys time alone together, so we’re drifting further and further apart.”

We’ve all been there: the day-to-day routine with our partner falls into a pattern of conflict, and fighting seems inevitable. When the central relationship in our lives feels fraught and a fight looms around every corner, our emotional health and our other, non-romantic relationships suffer.


In a recent article for his website, Kyle Benson draws on relationship experts and authors like Dr. John Gottman and Dan Wile, formulating a sensible approach to conflict resolution that’s both pragmatic and possible. Indeed, one of the most challenging aspects of the dynamic that exists between partners is the negative, cyclical patterns that reinforce themselves, creating a feeling that avoiding a fight is impossible.

Benson writes about Dr. Gottman’s observation that “nearly 1/3 of all conflicts can be resolved with the right approach,” unpacking the realities that many couples face in the process of improving their communication skills in the hopes of diffusing conflict. While many marriage therapists recommend that you “put yourself in your partner’s shoes,” Dr. Gottman has learned that it’s often difficult to tap into empathy during the escalation of a fight.

Instead, he counsels couples to “soften their start-up.” Or as Benson puts it, “how a conversation starts influences how it will end.” The takeaway here is that your approach to conflict at the outset can limit the magnitude of a fight and minimize its impact. Being aware of your feelings and how anger or frustration is manifested in your word and tone of voice is crucial to nipping a big fight in the bud.


Benson goes on to outline four additional strategies to help avoid fighting in your relationship. Each of the steps builds on the initial approach of “softening the start-up” and is aimed at de-escalating what often feels like the inevitable.
For instance, if Karen wants support from Tom to help their son pick up his toys it would be more effective to ask him, “Are you available to help Joey get started on putting his legos away?” rather than saying, “You are so focused on watching baseball that you ignore your son and his room is a always a mess.”

Dr. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work serves as a guide for Benson’s own advice, and he adds to helpful insight that Dr. Gottman’s strategies “may feel unnatural at first but provide you the vocabulary to naturally repair conflict before it harms your marriage.”
In the end, the goal is a healthy and harmonious relationship in which we can communicate with openness and honesty. In the process, we can overcome the seemingly insurmountable obstacle of conflict feeling inevitable, fostering compassion with a conscious approach to conflicts as they develop.