In step

[RiverOL]

Have Faith in Your Daughter: Healing Together After Divorce​

It is important to empower your daughter to express her feelings after your divorce, because girls tend to derive their self-worth from relationships and they may take things personally. As a result, they may blame themselves and be more vulnerable to the losses associated with a divorce in their family.

There is a lot of evidence to suggest that how you talk to your daughter about her feelings and how connected she feels to both of her parents after your breakup can greatly influence her feelings of self-worth.


For instance, Karen, 48, sat down with Mia, 13, and told her that her life would change some after her divorce but that her love would never falter and she would always do her best to keep her informed about what would change and encourage her to express her thoughts and feelings.

The Father and Daughter Bond
Since nearly one third of all daughters have parents who are divorced in America, and most girls spend more time with their mothers than their fathers after divorce, it makes sense that the mother-daughter relationship would intensify. Based on more than two decades of research on daughters of divorce, I have discovered that many single mothers lean too heavily on their daughters for advice and caretaking after and this can create a burden for a daughter and possibly turn her against her father.

In contrast, Mia spent about three nights a week with her father and encouraged her to have a positive relationship with him. Also, Karen did her best not to burden Mia with caring for her seven-year-old sister Alyssa. If she did ask her to babysit, it was infrequent and she gave her advance notice so it didn’t interfere with her school work or social plans.


In fact, in Between Fathers and Daughters, Linda Nielsen writes “Sadly, only 10-15 percent of fathers and daughters get to enjoy the benefits of shared parenting.” Nielsen recommends that mothers and fathers encourage their daughter to spend close to equal time with both parents and give her messages such as “Both your dad and I made mistakes in our marriage, but we are good parents.”

Can Mothers and Daughters Be Too Close?
Why exactly is the mother-daughter relationship so complicated? In Our Fathers, Ourselves, Dr. Peggy Drexler notes that many mothers like to feel connected to their daughters and, in many cases, their daughters’ friends and they seek validation from them. She writes, “At a time when there is so much societal pressure to stay young, this helps keep us feeling youthful. It also helps us feel appreciated long after our children stop “needing” us to survive.

In my opinion, a mother’s need for closeness with her daughter might intensify after divorce when the mother’s coping skills are strained. In fact, the mother-daughter best friend idea could even lead to a competitive edge and tension between them.

Here are 10 things I’ve learned about the mother-daughter relationship after divorce:

• Love means letting go. Try not to lean on your daughter too much. Give her space to grow and to develop her own identity.
• Your daughter is not your friend. Don’t confide in her when it comes to personal information that doesn’t involve her. You can enjoy each other’s company and be connected, yet be autonomous individuals. She’ll need to question you at times in order to find her own way.
• Create a safe atmosphere for her to discuss her feelings – be sure to listen and validate them.
• Don’t bad mouth your ex-spouse as this will only promote loyalty conflicts and made it more difficult for her to feel good about herself.
• Don’t ask too much of her. Keep your expectations realistic and realize she can’t make up for what you didn’t get from your mother or other relationships.
• Encourage her to be assertive – to speak her mind even when it might unpopular to do so. Don’t raise her to be a “pleaser.” Create opportunities for her to express her opinions without censoring them. Protect her from cultural influences which focus on her role as a caretaker. She can be nurturing but still be assertive, strong, and independent.
• Direct your praise away from her body and appearance and comment on her talents and strengths. Say things like “You look so healthy.” Or, “I can see how happy you are – you’re radiant.”

• Be mindful of modeling healthy communication with family members and intimate partners. My research showed that parental conflict – before and after divorce – was associated with low self-esteem in daughters of divorce compared to sons in my study.
• Encourage your daughter to have a close bond with her father. After all, a daughter’s relationship with her father is the first one that teaches her how a man should treat her. If this isn’t possible, be sure expose her to male family members such as her grandfather or uncle.
• Have faith in your daughter. While it may be hard to let go, you can delight in watching your daughter grow into a self-confident person.

Having faith in your daughter’s abilities to bounce back after your divorce is important to her well-being. There are many ways that mothers can help their daughters establish a separate identity and healthy self-esteem after divorce. Make sure not to burden her with your problems or to bad mouth her father. Accepting that your daughter is different from you and has her own personality, interests, and choices will help you to stay back while she learns from her mistakes.

 

[RiverOL]

Modesty, Comparison, and a Man’s Sexual Appetite​

A dream marriage is the kind of marriage where both the husband and wife are concerned about meeting each other’s needs. The man sacrifices to meet his wife’s need for security and meaningful communication. The wife sacrifices to meet his need for honor and respect.
Both are generous toward each other. That’s foundational to a healthy, loving relationship.
One of the places where this is most necessary is in the bedroom, where many marital conflicts (spoken and unspoken) tend to develop. The conflict arises because men and women are very different in how they become sexually aroused.


Women are non-visual. Their sexual excitement ramps up gradually by romance, soft touching and atmosphere. On the other hand, men are very visual. They get sexually excited must faster, mostly through sight and touch.
That’s the reason men are drawn to pornography. Though it is sinful and damaging to a man and a marriage, it illustrates the visual nature of a man’s sexual appetite. Much of the lingerie industry and almost all the pornography industry owe their success to the visual appetite of males.
This leads to a big problem for women: comparison.

According to one report, more than 90 percent of fashion models suffer from low self-esteem. They compare themselves to their peers. They feel they aren’t attractive. They know how much photo-retouching takes place to make them even more “beautiful” in magazines.
Comparison is unhealthy—among models and among regular women, too. Why? Because it is self-rejection. It’s an indirect accusation of God, blaming him for having made something defective or imperfect.

And while many women have a comparison problem with their clothes on, it can be even worse when the clothes come off. Women have a strong, natural sense of physical modesty. It’s God’s way of protecting women and society at large.


Combine that with the fact that few women are happy with their bodies, and you have problems in the bedroom. When comparison and modesty are taken into the marriage bed, it can be damaging.
What’s the answer? Well, it’s easier for me to give than it is for women to practice: relax. Refuse to be intimidated and belittled by a perverted world that wants all women to fit a deceitful stereotype of perfection.

Be yourself. Accept the way God made you. Look the best you can for your husband in the bedroom and out of the bedroom, because he needs you to look your best.
And husbands? You’re not off the hook. If it’s important for your wife to look good for you, then it’s just as important that you look good for her.
Don’t forget: A dream marriage is made of two people being generous and acting sacrificially toward each other. A husband needs to be understanding of his wife’s insecurities. But sometimes modesty and comparison are the things a woman needs to sacrifice for the sake of her marriage.

 

[RiverOL]

The Difference Between Disappointed and Violated​

It seems pretty clear that modern Americans are unable to deal with not getting their way. New styles of parenting blame institutions for children’s inadequacies and try hard to clear the path of any struggle. We’re increasingly perfectionistic, superficial, and angry. Suicide rates, divorce rates, and mental health rates are rising at a frightening pace.



Our society is becoming a hotbed for toxic individualism. Just last night, I saw a news report about a man who ran over a family of eight with his car. He killed the mother and injured the father and all six children. Why? Because the father asked him not to smoke in front of the kids.
The problem is that there are two kinds of not getting our way. The first is a violation – an attack. An affront to who we are that clearly endangers our wellbeing. The second is a disappointment. Someone does something we don’t like, disagrees with us, or makes a comment that offends us. We’ve merged these two kinds of not-getting-our-way into one. We are “bullied” anytime someone disagrees with us. We are attacked anytime someone says something we don’t like, and we are violated anytime we don’t get our way.

The Pendulum Swings​

Of course, the danger in pointing this out is that some will use an argument like this to excuse oppressive behavior. We will blame true victims and violate one another with a sense of entitlement. This has been a prevalent reality in recent history. One for which we ought to be ashamed and held accountable.
How do we tell when someone is attacking us and when they are disappointing us?


Healthy living is about seeking the truth. As we become more and more emotionally charged, leaning on one aspect of the truth at the expense of others, we drift further and further from an ability to rightly discern what is happening to us, the motivations and hearts of those around us, and what we are to do in response. We have become reactive rather than responsive.

Freedom Circle​

A victim is someone who has no choices. People do things all the time that limit our choices. But we are very rarely, if ever, in a situation where we have absolutely no choice. This whole idea is made famous in Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning, where he endures the tortures of a Nazi concentration camp while still taking responsibility for his own choices and his own character.
The truth is there is no clear-cut boundary for when we are being assaulted and when we are being disappointed. It is a blurry line between attack and offense. So, what we tend to do is push things from the murky middle to the extremes.


There are, obviously, some instances where we are clearly being attacked. When violence meets our physical body at the hands of others. When we are imprisoned unjustly.

But the middles are murky. In the end, the main differentiator between violated and disappointed is our own perception. The power of each individual is to take emotions, reason, spirit, and community to discern the world around them. And, perhaps more importantly, determine a response. We have to own our conclusions and own our response. And our response is not about punishing others, it is about influencing our character, our community, and our culture toward a better tomorrow.

So much of our tendency is to lay blame at the foot of others. And justify our own reactions. Thus, we have a world of terrorism, a world where people break windows because a restaurant doesn’t have what they ordered, friendships break up because of a poorly thought out tweet, and people run down families because they are challenged about smoking.

We have to be better about discerning the difference between attack and disappointment. We don’t do any favors to ourselves as true victims and others who are truly victimized by taking on the posture of a victim unjustly. If we want, everything against us can be an assault. It certainly makes it easier to figure out how to respond. We fight everything and everyone. But not everyone who disagrees with us is an enemy. Not everyone with a different viewpoint or a challenging question is an assailant.
We will never be able to heal as a society unless we commit to seeking the truth together, forgiving one another for disappointments, and holding each other accountable for assaults. These three pursuits are not mutually exclusive. If we leave one for the other, all three will fail.

 

[RiverOL]

Want to Get Stronger?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

They committed themselves to the teaching of the apostles, the life together, the common meal, and the prayers—Acts 2:42​

Want to get stronger? Want to be tougher? Get connected. When we face trials and challenges, those to whom we’re connected can support us—help us find courage we’d not find on our own. When we experience pain and loss, they can comfort us—help us back from places we’d not return from, on our own. When we’re hit by fear and anxiety, they can give us perspective—help us see things in ways we’d not see on our own. When we need truth, they can teach us—help us discover and understand what we we’d not grasp on our own. When we get stuck, they can call us out, speak truth, push us forward—help us stop (or start) what we’d be unable to, on our own. When we face complicated questions, they can listen and counsel us—help us process through problems that are too difficult on our own. When we mess up, make mistakes, they can correct us and have mercy—help remind us we’re loved, despite flaws and failures, something that’s hard to remember on our own. The Apostle Paul urged connectedness (Romans 12:15; 1 Thessalonians 5:11, Hebrews 3:13). The early Church demonstrated it—spending time together, knowing one another, eating, learning, and praying together. Why? Alone, we men are vulnerable; together, we’re stronger and more resilient toward the ups-and-downs of life (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). Connectedness ruggedizes us, restores us, fuels us for what’s ahead. And, brother, there’s important stuff ahead.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Go look at your weekly calendar. What are the major groupings, in terms of commitments and people? Work/Colleagues? Home/Family? Social/Friends? Others? Okay, now you need at least a couple people from each category who (1) know you, (2) understand the context too, and (3) who’ll make connectedness with you a priority.

 

[RiverOL]

A Warning from Jesus to Bad Mouthing Politicians— You’re in Danger of Hell!​

If you, like me, are sick and tired of politicians disrespecting and maligning their opponents in tweets, in ads, in person and then claiming they are Christians, then it would be wise to point them to Mt. 5.22 if they care about their eternal destiny. Jesus said the following:


“But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.”
Again, Jesus is talking to his own disciples and holding them to a higher standard of decorum, respect, kindness to others, even those who make one very angry. Secondly, ‘Raca’ is an Aramaic term showing contempt— for example by name calling, belittling another person, giving them a pejorative nickname. You get the point.
Think on these things, as we approach the Fall election cycle.

 

[RiverOL]

Shouting, “Peace! Peace!” Where There Is No Peace​

Peace is a good thing, but not the only good. One handicap to Middle East peace is that peace just now, with the present regimes, leaders, attitudes, would be a false and ugly peace. We all pray for peace, but we also pray for justice. It might be better to hope for a wary and watchful tension in the Middle East than a peace bought at the expense of the rights of minorities in the region.


The Ottoman Empire demonstrated that it is “easy” to get centuries of peace in the Middle East. Turkish military power made the Middle East peaceful, even a sleepy backwater, but not a happy or prosperous area. Muslims, Christians, and Jews have existed in the region for centuries peacefully, but it was a peace bought by the sword and by the acceptance of Jewish and Christian minorities that they would be second-class citizens in their own homes.
The problem in the Middle East is not fundamentally the attitudes of the Christian or Jewish minorities. It is also not an exclusively “Islamic” problem since certain Islamic minority groups also face persecution and second-class citizenship.

Peace in the Middle East is difficult to achieve today, partly because past “peace” has been achieved the wrong ways. Colonial powers imposed peace, including Eastern and Western powers, but this taught the wrong lessons. Everyone can and sometimes should cry, “Give me liberty or give me death,” but a just society also has members who shout, “Give my opponent liberty or give me death.”

The difficulty is that many that are in the majority in the Middle East will not accept the rights of the minorities to live in peace. They do not do this because they are religious, often their religion is the only thing softening their bigotry, but because they are the majority in a particular nation and feel their power to impose their will. This is easy to see when one looks at the persecution of Islamic minority groups, following a different vision of Islam, by the Islamic majority in the culture of nations in the region.


The problem is not that the majority of people in these states are too “religious.” Israel herself is a secular state with a majority of the population not overly given to piety. Egypt and Syria are both secular regimes and have been so for decades.
Anyone who has visited the region knows that many people in the area are secularists, but that secularist power groups are no more peaceful than the religious. The “secular” regimes of Egypt and Syria demonstrated this truth in the past. These secular states were internally peaceful, but at the price of being unjust states. Property rights were ignored. Minorities faced persecution. These secular nations went to war with a secular Israel because they did not accept the existence of the Jewish state and felt they could impose their desires by force.

To be a Christian in most of these lands is to be ignored, forgotten, and persecuted. Appropriate our churches, our land, our liberty and nothing happens.
What are the major impediments to a just peace in the Middle East?
Part of the problem of the Middle East is anti-Semitism in the world and history. “Religion” is not the problem. An irrational hatred of Jewish people is not the sole domain of either religious or non-religious people. Secular and religious states have persecuted and killed Jews. Stereotypes about Jews exist in religious and non-religious groups. Secularism and religion are both infected with anti-Semitism. If there were no religion in the entire Middle East, this bigotry would still exist. Until such bigots are purged from the body politic there can be no peace in the Middle East.


Peace will also begin with recognizing the Palestinian people and their right to self-determination.
“Peace” in the Middle East is no great victory if it is won by trampling on the hopes of minority groups in every nation including Palestine.
A key problem is tolerance of thuggish regimes if they are found in former colonies or places with oil. Many of the governments in the Middle East are plutocracies that buy complacency from their subjects by fueling religious zeal they themselves lack with part of their loot. These secular rulers pay for anti-democratic forms of religion because it allows their regimes to continue. In some places, extremist religious groups have turned on the hypocrites who created them, but in most places that has not happened yet.

Islam is corrupted by pay-off money from oil sheiks not noted for their personal piety. The problem is not religion, but the corruption of religion and every other decent idea in the Middle East by wicked men intent on keeping up their looting and stealing. There can be no lasting peace in the Middle East when many of the nations there ignore the rights of a majority of citizens, let alone the rights of minorities.


Fanning hatred of Jews, as if Israel is the reason for the poverty in most of the region, is the same ugly strategy used in Russia to keep another tottering regime in power. But peace bought by pogroms only puts off the inevitable day of doom and makes the bill higher by combining injustice with more wickedness. The United States might find a temporary truce between Israel and her neighbors, but the rotting anti-democratic regimes in the region cannot be counted on to keep it.

Peace treaties signed with ugly thuggish regimes cannot be trusted past the lifetimes of the ugly thugs that rule them. Simultaneously, ignoring the aspirations of Palestinians, Syrians, and Christians in the Middle East to live in lands they have held for millennia is unjust and injustice cannot bring peace. The Middle East may face a few more decades of conflict before the rights of the Middle East minorities are secured. Until a Jew can dream of being President of Syria or a Christian can be head of government in Iran or Israel, there will be no just peace in the Middle East. Our goal should be to minimize conflict, but not overly quickly to impose “peace on the Middle East.”

Let us hope that slowly nations in the Middle East begin to protect the rights of the minorities. Perhaps, Jordan will begin to show the way Islamic societies can become democracies and respect the rights of minorities. Mayhap the rights of Palestinians in their homeland will be secured.


Perhaps.
All decent men and women hate war and long for peace, but all decent people also hate injustice and long for justice. We hope for the day when all people can live in harmony, but that day is not yet.
I pray for the peace of Jerusalem, but also the safety and rights of all the people who call that city home.

 

[RiverOL]

When the Bible Confronts Your Confirmation Bias​

John-Mark Smith/Pexels

“The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes along and examines him.”
Proverbs 18:17
Solomon’s wisdom echoes through the ages. Many people think a book written almost 3,000 years ago cannot have anything to say to our technological age, but Proverbs feels especially relevant in our foolish age. Solomon’s words on money, words, work, marriage, and family cut through our foolish notions and reorient our hearts towards God’s wisdom. The proverbs often confront us in ways we would not anticipate. They force us to reevaluate our most-cherished habits and to repent of our deepest-held notions.


Proverbs 18:17 strikes at the heart of one of our culture’s favorite pastimes–engaging in confirmation bias. Confirmation bias causes us to evaluate stories in light of our preconceived notions about what is true. We hear a story, filter it through our preexisting grid, and develop a snap judgment about it without hearing the other side of the story.
Solomon’s words in Proverbs 18:17 force us to reevaluate this practice. Solomon agrees that the first side of the story always sounds right, especially when it reinforces what we already believe to be true. However, he also said that the case falls apart when another person examines him. The story that seemed so juicy when we first heard it often loses its luster when the rest of the story comes into view.

A Case Study​

A few weeks ago, a conservative Christian speaker drew attention when she said she had been disinvited from a speaking engagement at Cornell University because of her biblical views on marriage. The Cornell Political Union scheduled Jannique Stewart to speak on abortion as a “moral wrong.” As with other CPU events, Stewart would speak for 30 minutes and put forward her position before a Q&A with the audience. Then, the audience would have a debate and vote on where they stood on the issue.


Everything seemed fine until Stewart says a representative from the CPU called her to say they would not allow her to speak because of her views on sexuality and marriage. (She believes sex should be reserved for marriage and that marriage should be between a man and a woman.) In her Facebook post detailing the cancellation, she accused the CPU of saying that having her on campus would be “tantamount to allowing a racist to speak who held pro-slavery and pro-holocaust views.”

The response to her announcement was swift. FoxNews personality Todd Starnes hosted her on his radio show to talk about the controversy. Robert P. George, McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence at Princeton University, jumped into the controversy, saying it further cemented the left’s legacy of branding everyone who disagrees with them as a hater and a bigot. He also said, “Evidently, no Catholic, Evangelical Protestant, Eastern Orthodox Christian, Orthodox Jew, or Muslim, who believes what his or her faith tradition teaches about sex and marriage is permitted to engage in debate at the Cornell Political Union.”

Most conservative evangelicals would agree. We see our faith and moral commitments under assault from some of the highest levels of American life, particularly at the University level, so any story we hear that smacks of bias against Christians confirms what we already know to be true. We buy the story hook, line, and sinker without taking the time to investigate further.


However, the Cornell Political Union is telling a different story about why they rescinded Stewart’s invitation and claim that elements of her story are not true. The CPU told The Cornell Daily Sun that, “The accusations of discrimination that Jannique Stewart has leveled against the Cornell Political Union are false. We have never negatively categorized Ms. Stewart’s beliefs, nor have we ever attacked her character.

In addition, CPU President John Baker said that the canceled her appearance because of security concerns. He said, “We had discovered information [about] her past advocacy activities that could potentially lead to a situation in which the security of our members was jeopardized. And to prevent security risks we would have had to be able to afford security and that’s not something we’re able to afford at this time.”

A Lesson​

Here we have a classic example of two people telling two completely different stories. Ms. Stewart says she was disinvited because of her views on marriage and the CPU claims that has nothing to do with her cancellation. I don’t know Jannique Stewart and have never heard her speak, nor do I know anyone affiliated with the Cornell Political Union, so I cannot testify to either’s character or integrity. I do not know who is telling the truth and who is not.


Confirmation bias causes us to take sides in stories like this because one side of the story fits our preexisting narrative about the world. This is especially true in our social media culture, where we tend to develop strong opinions based on incomplete or inaccurate information. Then, we share these stories based on incomplete or inaccurate information and they spread to other people, causing them to take sides without enough information. If you believe that Christians are persecuted by colleges, you will be tempted to believe the story despite evidence to the contrary. In fact, you will be tempted to believe the story without any further investigation.
Solomon’s words force us to learn a different way. Wisdom dictates that we listen to two sides of the story before we make up our minds. If we only hear one side of a story, we will likely believe stories that are either partially or completely untrue. If we are people who love Jesus, who is the truth, then we cannot abide believing and sharing an untruth.

Proverbs 18:17 forces us to stay silent until we know the truth. This means doing something counter-cultural in the social media era–don’t share stories or your opinion about a story until you have investigated its truthfulness. “This sounds true to me” is not enough. “I’ve heard of other stories like this” will not suffice. Allow the story to be cross-examined. Hear the other side of the story so clearly that you can articulate it yourself. Only then should you speak up and Solomon has plenty to say about how you do.

 

[RiverOL]

Just a Little Scared​

We recently went to the doctor for a yearly check up and found out my cholesterol is pretty high. This is cause for concern because I have a family history of heart disease. We talk a lot on the blog about perseverance and perspective. But I have to confess, the news scared me a little.
Fear has a way of feeding on itself. It becomes a sort of cannibal. You think giving it attention would deteriorate it, but it seems to make it worse.



I think all of us are a little scared. Sometimes circumstances just give us an excuse. Sometimes things like a bad performance review or cholesterol or a fight with our spouse allows us to thumbtack a circumstance to the general feeling of uncertainty that hovers over us.

Fear as a Teacher​

The spiral of what-happens-if-I-have-a-heart-attack became a significant part of my day. I just needed to freak out for a couple hours, you know. But in the midst of it, a few things came to mind about the value (believe it or not) of fear.

I’m not sure any of us will ever feel completely content about dying, but there is a sense in which fear invites us to take inventory. Am I living a vision I truly believe in? Have I upheld the values I claim to uphold? There could always be more time. If we’re living a victorious life, we’d always want more time to live it. But if it had to end, could I be thankful for what I’ve done? For who I am?


We waste so much time in this life. And fear has a way of testing us. Some will let the fear feed on itself until it derails us from our vision. Some will have their fear lead to an epiphany they need to do better. And some may be reminded of what they have to be thankful for, the life they are living.

Welcome to Reality​

Bad news has a way of snapping us back to reality. The brevity of life. The changes we need to make. The things we have to be thankful for. The opportunities in front of us.
We’re all searching for life to be easy. What we really need is for life to be real. Meaning, we need a true perspective about who we are, what is going on, and how those two things can interact most effectively.
It is ok to be a little afraid. That is the only way we can be bold. The only way to be brave. Courage is not the absence of fear; it is acting truly in the face of it. Perfect love “casts off” fear; it doesn’t avoid it. Love sees fear for what it is and moves along toward the vision established. I hope to do the same and invite you to as well.

 

[RiverOL]

The 10 Reasons Couples Argue​

If you’ve been married longer than an hour, chances are that you and your husband or wife have had at least one disagreement. Sometimes, those disagreements can evolve into emotionally-charged arguments and potentially create deep scars in the marriage.


Working through disagreements in a productive way is vital to the longterm health of your marriage.
Below are the tens reasons couples argue the most. I hope these principles compiled from feedback from thousands of couples on our “Marriage” community on Facebook will help you approach disagreements in your own marriage with new perspective.
Before I reveal the list, I want to share the one singe principle which could revolutionize your approach to arguments in your marriage…You and your spouse are on the same team, so your arguments will never have a “winner” and a “loser.” You’ll either win together or lose together so work together to find a solution!
For more on how to “win” an argument with your spouse, check out my free, 3-minute video (by clicking here).
In no particular order, here are the 10 main reasons why couples argue (and what to do to make it better):
1. Miscommunication (or a lack of communication).
Many arguments in marriage are simply a case of miscommunication. Make consistent, transparent communication in your marriage a priority. Communicating does for a marriage what breathing does for your lungs!


2. Unmet expectations.
When we have an expectation for how things are supposed to happen, and then they don’t happen that way, it creates frustration and that frustration often leads to an argument. We tend to “blame” (either out loud or subconsciously) our spouse for the unfulfilled expectation. Instead of blaming each other, focus on serving each other.
3. Sexual frustration.
Many marriages are in a constant state of conflict because one of the spouses (usually, but not always, the husband) feels the sexual need is being unmet. If things are going well in the bedroom, there will usually be fewer arguments in all the other rooms of the house! For more ways to build sexual intimacy and satisfaction in your marriage, check out our brand new video series, “Best Sex Life Now” by clicking here.
4. Money.
Financial stress is one of the main causes of divorce (though, ironically, divorce usually causes much more financial stress for both spouses). Money stress can kill your marriage if you don’t get on the same page with a plan. For more on this, check out my post on 4 simple ways to remove financial stress from your marriage.


5. In Laws.
This one really relates to anyone who is imposing their opinions or demands on your marriage (friends, exes, etc.). Often, these stresses come from in-laws. To improve these relationships and establish healthy boundaries, check out my post on How to have a healthy relationship with your in laws.
6. Lack of appreciation.
This one is HUGE. Feeling unappreciated causes hurt feelings, resentment and ongoing conflict. Find ways to encourage, celebrate, appreciate and validate one another. Thoughtfulness is one of the most practical ways to show love.
7. Different parenting styles.
Raising kids is the hardest (and most important) duty a married couple can share. It can be very rewarding, but it can be incredibly stressful and it’s vital that the couple establishes a parenting plan and carries it out with mutual respect and consistency. For more on this, download a FREE chapter on marriage and parenting from my new book “The 7 Laws of Love” by clicking here.


8. Past hurts.
Some arguments are the result of wounds from the past that never fully healed (or perhaps they were never fully forgiven). If this is a struggle in your marriage (or life in general), check out this wonderful encouragement from my wife, Ashley, on Things to remember when life hurts.
9. Exhaustion.
When you’re in the trenches of life, parenthood, work, etc., you’re probably exhausted. When we’re exhausted or doing life at an unsustainable pace, we tend to have a short fuse. If you’re in an exhausting season of life, take a minute to read this “Encouragement for the Exhausted.”
10. What to watch on TV.
If you can compromise on who gets to hold the remote and what to watch on Netflix, you can figure out almost anything.

 

[RiverOL]

6 Things I want my Future Daughter-in-Law to Know: An Open Letter​

Dear Future Daughter-in-Law,
Wherever you are in the world, I want you to know that I can’t wait to meet you, and you are already loved by our family.



From the moment our son was born, we not only prayed for him, but we prayed specifically for you. We know that God has amazing plans in store for both of you someday. As we all patiently wait for that glorious day you two walk down the aisle, your father-in-law and I want you to know a few things:
1. When you marry our son, you will be more than an “in-law”; you will be our DAUGHTER.
We firmly believe that when two people fall in love and join each other in a marriage covenant that two truly become ONE. You will instantly become not only our son’s precious wife but our daughter too. We don’t see you as just a girl who is legally wedded to our son; we see you as his chosen beautiful bride for life.

Genesis 2:22-23 (NLT)
22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man.
23 “At last!” the man exclaimed.
“This one is bone from my bone,
and flesh from my flesh!
She will be called ‘woman,’
because she was taken from ‘man.’”

2. We support you in your autonomy as a couple.
To put this plainly, I want to resist being “all up in your business”. When you two marry, you become your own family. Your father-in-law and I want to support you two wholeheartedly in any way we can, but we also want to respect your privacy and have healthy boundaries in place. I promise we will call before we come over and try to only offer advice when you ask for it.

Genesis 2:24 (NLT)
24 This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.

3. We want to be a blessing to you!
More than anything, we want to bless you and our son as much as we possibly can. God has so graciously blessed us with the two of you, and we want to be a blessing right back. In-laws get such a negative stigma sometimes, but we don’t want to be that stereotype at all. We are for you all, not against you! You can come to us for anything.

1 Chronicles 17:27 (NLT)
27 And now, it has pleased you to bless the house of your servant, so that it will continue forever before you. For when you grant a blessing, O Lord, it is an eternal blessing!”

4. We will all make mistakes.

When two families are joined together, it can be complicated and messy at times. All of us will make mistakes. Sometimes, we may inadvertently say hurtful things, not do something the way it was intended, and so on. In those moments, I promise to seek your forgiveness and to be truthful with you if my feelings have been hurt. I ask you to do the same in order for our families to have peace. I want you both to feel like you can communicate freely with us. Please don’t “walk on eggshells”.





James 3:2 (NLT)

2 Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.



5. Yes, I am his mother, but I want to be your FRIEND.

I know you have your own mother, and I, in no way, want to try and fill that special place in your life. I want to be your friend…your much older friend. I want to take you out to breakfast and go shopping. I want to watch the grandkids and let you have a break. I want to be on the other end of the phone when you need someone older, and hopefully wiser at that point, to talk to. Let’s please be friends. I so look forward to that.



Proverbs 27:9 (NLT)

9 The heartfelt counsel of a friend
is as sweet as perfume and incense.



6. I am your prayer warrior.

I will continue to pray that God prepares your heart as you grow up, Dear Daughter. I pray that you grow in wisdom and knowledge of the Lord. I pray He bestows many blessings in your life. I pray He protects your heart and mind from sexual sin. I also pray that if you make mistakes, and many of us do, Sweet Daughter, that you will seek His forgiveness and know that you are indeed forgiven. When your heart is broken, I pray you surrender it to God. Only He can make you whole. No man, including my son, can fill this hole in your life. You are a child of God. You are precious. I pray you don’t lose sight of this.





Hold on to the hope of knowing that God has an amazing plan for your life. Please know that I am praying the very same prayers for my son, and I greatly look forward to the day when he brings you home to meet us for the very first time. I. Can’t. Wait.



But, until then, please know that you are already loved by our family, Dear Daughter.



With love and anticipation on the blessings to come,

Your mother-in-love, Ashley

 

[RiverOL]

An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World​

There’s plenty to occupy the mind of the pessimist. A bleak economy. Continued political division. A unending pandemic with inconsistent messaging and consequences that never seem to end. Bad news around the world. Cultural decline. You name it – and it’s happening in very real ways.
If you are pessimist by nature, you’ve got to be feeling a little smug right now. It doesn’t help that the current political and media culture thrives on who has the worst news to reveal.
I can hear the nay-sayer now. “I told you so!”


Getting some people to see any glimmer is nearly impossible. They have the uncanny ability to stare down the brightest light until they force it to go dark.
I worked with a coworker who just brought everyone down with him. He was certain the world was against him, or at least plotting against him. There was never a good day without a pain, a bad relationship or a fight to pick. Darkness followed him.
Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash
I have a relative who would rather see the sin than the grace, the wrongs more than the rights, the punishment over the salvation. The joy of heaven is drowned out by the shouts of finding yet another fault in someone.


I have people who pick apart every word I write on this page, finding error with me, or the church, or the world. Bleakness seems to be their only friend.
But I’m being honest here. I often take some comfort in my own grumblings and revel in my mumblings. I have some fellow soldiers in this battle to the bottom, and we all drag our feet and become slaves to the steady, droll drumbeat of an apathetic world. After all, it takes zero work to look at the dark side of situations.
Some Scripture needs to be understood or translated or studied.

Some just stands on it’s own, like Phillipians 2:14. “Do everything without complaining or arguing.”
Unsettling? Try downright frightening for some of us. To live and speak everything without complaint or argument punctures a hole in the Bad Ship Lollipop. It sinks the comfortable, negative world. It suddenly changes the world view away from me and my cranky attitude.
“Be positive? How?”
It starts with a different vision – a way to see things that are unseen. To see this world through the Father’s eyes. It means finding good in the bad, hope out of the hopeless, and blessings out of brokenness.

 

[RiverOL]

Alone at Work?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Whoever isolates himself . . . breaks out against all sound judgment—Proverbs 18:1​

Work is a place where we men are apt to live, not as our true selves, but rather as carefully crafted and false versions of ourselves. Work is a “compartment” where we try to be, not who God created us to be, but images we create all by ourselves. Why? What makes work different? Well, at work, the prevailing culture is too often (and too much) self-focused: outperform, get promoted, achieve, get ahead. It is too often permeated by greed, pride, and narcissism. When we live according to the prevailing culture of work, we hide our true selves, for exposing ourselves would upset our plans to build our images (and our careers). So, we protect our images by cutting ourselves off. We don’t let anyone in on our fears, struggles, pain, excitement, victories, joy. This is foolish, given that many of us spend more of our waking hours at work, with work colleagues, than we do away from work, with loved ones and close friends. Living according to the prevailing culture of work can transform our workplaces into dismal, desolate places of adversaries and mere acquaintances. Workplace relationships become characterized by superficiality and materiality. Spending years under such conditions leads to cynicism and apathy, burnout and bad choices. Purpose and meaning fade. We protect our images, but we lose ourselves.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Betray the prevailing culture, brother (Philippians 2:3-4). But don’t do it alone. Track down at least a couple trusted friends at your workplace and begin to fight for one another, keep each other accountable, keep each other humble, be transparent with one another, confess and repent to one another, pray together, laugh and lament together. Set up regular lunches. Grab coffee together, weekly. Start a regular prayer group or a company Bible study.

 

[RiverOL]

Sometimes the Small Things Make a Big Difference in Marriage​

When couples come to my office for counseling, one of the most common complaints they have is that they take each other for granted and lack appreciation or gratitude.

Susannah put it like this: “I know that Thomas loves me but I rarely hear a thank you from him. We just bought a new home, and I’m good with finances and paperwork, so I handled most everything. He simply said something like “what a relief to get the mortgage approved,’ but didn’t show appreciation for the hours that I put into it.”


In a recent article for the website Lifehacker, writer Sam Blum, takes an issue all-too-familiar for couples with an acerbic tone and a light-hearted approach. The piece, entitled “Remember To Thank Your Partner, You Ungrateful Bastard,” is as spot on as it is effective.
Blum unpacks perhaps the most relatable, persistent hurdle plaguing partners in long-term relationships — taking each other for granted. He writes that “it can sometimes seem like the gratitude between the people involved runs thin,” pointing out that “amid the rigors of daily life, it’s easy to take someone else’s favors or generosity for granted.”

It’s a fact of life, particularly for those in committed relationships. And while some might perceive that a lack of gratitude sets in because things have grown stale, there are simple and straightforward things we can do to show appreciation. And if you practice step by step, one day at a time, both partners will reap the rewards. Indeed, a focus on the simple kindnesses in your relationship is as easy as being mindful enough to recognize — and appreciate — what your partner does and what means to you.


After discussing the value of expressing appreciation during our counseling sessions, Susannah was beginning to notice the difference in the quality of her interactions with Thomas. She reflected, “I feel that he is noticing the things I do to make our life better and not taking me for granted as much. It makes me feel happier and more satisfied. He even left me a kind note on my dresser the other day.”

Because so much of life in a long-term relationship can become routine, Blum counsels that putting in that extra effort to acknowledge the importance of your partner can be central to building and bolstering trust and happiness with your partner. For example, rather than simply saying “thank you” as a way to express feelings to appreciation, Blum suggests that what could otherwise be a rote, throw away comment can be elevated by adding a bit of of the unexpected.

Instead of just saying “thanks,” Blum believes that introducing the element of surprise through an uncommon gesture can break the monotony that bogs down so many couples. So, don’t just say the words — take action. Write a note expressing your love and gratitude for your partner, leaving it in a place they’ll find it when they least expect it.


Whether your partner is having a bad day, you’re in the midst of relationship strife, or just because you seek to manifest your feelings in a new and different way, Blum writes that the gesture itself is often times as important as the message. Or, more to the point, the gesture is the message.
Citing a 2018 study in the journal Psychological Science, Blum notes that the feelings engendered in your partner when they find a note, are scientifically proven to lift their spirits and have clear “mood-enhancing effects.”

So, the next time the patterns and predictability of life — and your relationship — leave you feeling lacking, take the initiative and make the effort. Sometimes it’s the small things that can make a big difference in the health and happiness you desire in your relationship.

 

[RiverOL]

The Danger of Just Getting By​

Many of us, either by intention or perceived necessity, have adopted a certain strategy for living in this world.
We wake up and ask ourselves the question, “how do I get through today?” We go to work and try to determine what exactly we have to do to be okay, often walking on eggshells. We take this same mindset into our relationships. We aim for just short of falling apart and are thankful to get it.
Our terminology for this is “just getting by” and it is even more pervasive than the usage of this phrase.

Just getting by was the primary way of life for most of humanity, even before the COVID19 pandemic began. Although it certainly exacerbated the situation. In some ways, it helped us become more aware. As tragedy often does, it warns us of the fragility and uncertainty of life.
Many have responded to this with increased fear. It is a monument to how prevalent the “getting by” worldview is that, when it is shaken, we double down rather than look for a better way.

Pursuing Excellence​

Our brains are capable of a very subtle trick. When we are mired in the pattern of “just getting by”, it swallows everything around us and remakes it in that image.

For example, the idea of doing something more, of pursuing excellence in some way, as a means to rise above our “just getting by” is often merely a clever repackaging. We send ourselves into daily, superficial attempts at greatness as a padded buffer for getting by. We tell ourselves we are doing more. What we are often doing is lowering the standard for what “more” really is. More of the same? That is just increased apathy, if there is such a thing.


We often equate pursuing excellence with making money or earning the validation of others. These are just methods of getting by. They are not truly anything other than the very thing we are trying to rise above.
If we are to pursue excellence, then, it must be accompanied by truth. It must be real. Not superficially adequate to reality, but in alignment with the very nature of truth itself.

Surviving to Thriving​

What we are talking about here is moving from a life focused on surviving, prolonging death and defeat, to one of thriving, breathing and acting with a true transcendent purpose.
How do we do such a thing? The answer is at once simple but not easy. We do it by effort. Intention.
The reason we give up so easily on a life of purpose is not because we do not want it but because it is hard. It is a lot of work. Pursuing the truth is a difficult task. It is going to cost you something, namely, what you used to think was the truth. Effort is going to make you sweat. It is going to hurt.


And we think about a thriving life as one devoid of pain. That is your just-getting-by talking. Sit in a lounge chair sipping a cold drink for the rest of your life and see how long it takes you to get bored. An hour. A day. A week. What about a year? A year of doing nothing but sipping your cold drink in the sun. You’d be close to insane. It may not sound like it because you are so mired in whatever circumstances are causing you pain today, but that dream is a most devastating kind of pain – a complacency, a giving up, a forfeiture of life.

Ironically, the purpose we seek is available in the pain. Because learning hurts, risk hurts. When your muscles grow, they strain. Why should your soul be any different?
The key is to restructure what we endure, how we endure it, and for what purpose we endure?
This process begins by taking the time to intentionally discover your values and a vision. What is the truth, the ultimate truth, for which you are striving? How can you reframe your obstacles as an opportunity to propel you toward that vision rather than an eternal evil that needs to be avoided?

These are not easy questions. Seeking answers will hurt. Finding them will not be a magic elixir to avoid difficult circumstances. But this is the key to thriving, to truly living rather than just prolonging death.
For many of us, COVID was a necessary time to stabilize, to survive. To get by. But we must be careful it does not become a pattern we accustom ourselves to. It is time to move to the next level. It is time to begin (or continue) the difficult work of thriving.

 

[RiverOL]

30 Things I Wish I Knew When I Was 30​

When I’d been married almost ten years, I thought I knew it all. At least I thought I knew it all about being a Christian wife. I had almost 10 years experience.
A lot of couples don’t even make it to 10 years. I must be doing something right. I was 30, a real adult.

I had three kids and a house. My kids were happy. My husband seemed satisfied.
What more could I possibly learn about marriage?
Looking back, I now know the answer is a lot.
I realize how little I knew, and how much easier it would’ve been if I’d known then what I know today.
I would’ve been a lot less stressed and much happier. So let me spare you the stress and give you an opportunity to be a happier wife right now.

Here’s what I wish I knew when I was 30:​

1. Don’t waste time holding on to stuff that won’t matter in five years much less five minutes.
2. Accept your husband for who he is and understand you’ll both be a different people in 10 years.
3. There’s more than one way to load a dishwasher.
4. Your words can only be forgiven not forgotten.
5. Your husband needs to know you want him.
6. Forgive yourself.
7. Learn what respect means to him.
8. Swallow your pride and just do it.
9. Chick flicks are lies. Entertaining, but lies.
10. Set realistic expectations.
11. Love your body, and wear lingerie.
12. What happens between you and your husband is not your mama’s business.
13. You are not your mistakes.
14. You don’t have to do it all.
15. It’s okay to be just a wife and mom.
16. You’re still a good mom if you feed your kids cereal for dinner.
17. Let your husband be your hero.
18. Be patient.
19. Carbs aren’t from the devil.
20. Exercise.
21. Say “thank you” a lot.
22. Forgive your husband quicker.
23. Compliment more; complain less.
24. Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides.
25. Marriage isn’t 50-50 ; divorce is.
26. You’re going to be wife longer than you’ll be a mom of young children.
27. Build your life around your faith.
28. Choose happy.
29. Don’t be offended so easily. He probably wasn’t aiming for your heart.
30. Smile more.

What would you tell yourself if you could turn back time?

 

[RiverOL]

Sam the Squirrel’s Fear​

Sam the squirrel lived inside a hole in big old tree. He had a happy squirrel life, storing lots of acorns and scampering around the woods where his tree grew.
But every night, Sam struggled to rest. He feared that some forest creature would attack him while he slept.
To prevent that, he used to barricade the entrance to his little tree home with nuts. He didn’t really think through the fact that nuts wouldn’t keep out danger. Fear gripped his mind, keeping him from thinking straight.

One day, though, Sam befriended Ben the bear. Ben was big and strong. The two became good friends.
When Ben found out about Sam’s nighttime fears, Ben offered to sleep outside Sam’s tree.

That night, Sam curled up happily, no fear in his heart. He had a bear guarding the entrance to his tree house–he had nothing to fear.
“The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” Psalm 27:1 (ESV)

 

[RiverOL]

Family Big Enough?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . a threefold cord is not quickly broken—Ecclesiastes 4:12​

In the family context, building community means building expanded families around our existing, immediate families. These family “expanders” are trusted friends—followers of our King, Jesus Christ—who know us, know our kids (if we have them), know our wives (or girlfriends or fiancées), and know about our parents and siblings. They know the stories of our families and the stories of the individuals within our families. They connect long-term, across generations. They know the good and bad—and still choose to share our lives: meals, recreation, celebrations, holidays, traditions. Why do we need them? Well, life together is hard—hard for adults, hard for kids. We all need all the help we can get. And, if we’re not proactive and intentional in securing help, it either won’t come or it’ll come, but from places less-than-ideal. Parents can get isolated—or be too much influenced by prevailing culture. Kids can get too little direction—or be too much influenced by peers or unprincipled adults. No, it’s critical that we be proactive and intentional. The Apostle Paul wrote: “if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8). If we are proactive and intentional, though, we can influence just who’s going to influence our families—ensure the right people are supporting, encouraging, and challenging us as fathers, husbands, sons, brothers; and the right people are speaking truth into our kids.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Expanded families aren’t built without work. They take investment and reciprocity. No one will share our lives if we don’t share in theirs, too. Pray today, brother, about who should be in your expanded family. Reach out to them. Be explicit. If they buy-in, co-develop a practical plan to connect more closely.

 

[RiverOL]

The Doctrine of Followship: We Need to Do More Than Believe Jesus…We Need to Follow Him​

by Roland Wrinkle

Well-Worn Sandals​

Apparently, we have a peripatetic savior…and not a cross-legged guru on a hill. In the three short years narrated by the gospels, Jesus of Nazareth walked well over 3,000 miles. He was a man on the move. And he was a man of imminency and intention. Remember: “Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem” (Luke 9.51) and Mark’s notorious use of “immediately” (euthys or eutheos) (Mark uses this word more times, incidentally, than any other gospel account from his more long-winded brethren.)

Ernest Zacharias Platner/National Gallery of Art, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons
This constantly moving messiah was constantly moving because he wanted folks to follow him. He wanted to take the “ordinary” ikons, made by and in the image of, his Father, and turn them into a community, a family, of fervent and dedicated apostles, disciples, students and agape-ites, thereby launching the greatest social movement in human history.

And he wanted to do it by traipsing thousands of miles across harsh desserts, up and down daunting mountains, across raging waters, to and from big cities and isolated hamlets, so he could reach both enthralled masses and encounter furious mobs. He did it all so that people would follow him. And he did it all in sandals.
No wonder he was won over by the sinful woman who poignantly washed and perfumed his feet. Yet, notice what Jesus said to her immediately after her heartfelt supplication: “Because you believed, you are saved from your sins” (Luke 7.50). So, it sure seems to me that two things are going on here: Believing and Following. It also seems to me that much of popular Christianity has squashed the latter by over-promoting the former.

Believe? Yes.​

In verse after verse, the red letters cry out for the followers of Jesus to believe him. To believe in him. To believe in the nearness and majesty of the Kingdom of God. To believe he is the Son of God, the long-awaited restorative King of Israel and Creator of the Universe, the enigmatic Son of Man, the very image of the living God, the Savior of all of fallen Creation.
The writers of the canonized letters go on to expand upon the centrality of belief. “[The gospel] is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes” (Romans 1.16). After Jesus “utter[ed] things hidden since the creation of the world” (Matthew 13.34), the fact that there is no such animal as a nonbelieving Christian, is no longer hidden.

We Need to Believe, But We Also Need to Follow.​

Having said all of that, it seems to me that the whole of the New Testament advocates a perspective where belief is not an end (teleos) in and of itself – we tend to overread passages such as Romans 3.22, “This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe,” in a simplistic, tradition-supporting way – but stands as the necessary precondition to what Jesus is really after: having us follow him.

Jesus told Peter and Andrew, “Come, follow me, and I will send you out to fish for people” (Matthew 4.19). In other words, he told them to gather more followers! He told a second set of recruited siblings the same thing. He told an unnamed disciple (rather shockingly), “Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.” (Luke 9.59-60). He told Matthew to abandon his tax collector booth and “Follow me.” (Matthew 9.9). He told the folks at Caesarea Philippi, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me” (Matthew 16.24).

He told the Rich Young Ruler, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” And in the very next verse, “Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel” (Matthew 19.28).
All of these verses have precisely nothing to do with entering a celestial, ethereal, disembodied heaven upon bodily death, let alone the idea that the mere professed, intellectual assent to a particularized set of orthodox beliefs gains the confessor entry.

Yes, Jesus was big on belief, but he was even bigger on exhorting people to get in line and follow him. If you take all four gospels together, either Jesus says, “follow me” or the author says, “they followed him,” nearly a hundred times. He was too busy trying to tell the religious elite of his day that they needed to stop holding up the Hebrew Scriptures as a rule book and, instead, to keep in mind God’s reasons for the stories, which are justice, grace and mercy. It was more important to get your kid (or ox) out of a pit on Saturday than to keep the Sabbath (Luke 14.5).

Four centuries before Christ, God told Jeremiah to tell everyone else that, when He came back to restore all of creation and bring heaven and earth together, “I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts.” (Jer. 31.33). In other words, godly actions would follow from active habituation, not imposed legalism. The bible is an irresistible call to action.

When God called Abraham, he didn’t say, “You need to ascribe to these commandments, right principles and correct beliefs.” Instead, God told Abraham, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.” Did Abraham respond by saying the “Sinner’s Prayer”? By answering an alter call or professing an approved system of belief? By reciting the current version of the latest creed that came out of the latest gathering of “church experts and leaders”? No. “So Abram went, as the Lord had told him.” (Genesis 12.4). He didn’t say a word. He got his feet moving.


When it came time for Jesus to gather up his gang of apostles and disciples, he didn’t command them to discern and discover all of the scriptural rules and laws to govern their conduct and learn what they should believe. No. In Matthew 4.22, Jesus came upon James and John, and “called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.” So should we.

The Apostles’ Creed, found in the front of our hymnals at church, and which we occasionally recite, reads, “I believe…” in nineteen postulates. The Nicene Creed (also in our hymnals) has us confessing 27 “beliefs.” Not once does either menu of prescribed axioms say, “I believe…that faith is all about following Jesus.” It is stunning to me (I fully understand and appreciate their original purpose) that neither has anything to say about the three-year ministry of Jesus on earth other than he was born and he was executed. Our confessional creeds are not wrong, they are just sadly incomplete.

Of course, beliefs are important. They’re critical. Why would you get up and follow anybody or anything unless you believed that she, he or it was worth following? But once “you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead,” (Romans 10.8), spring into action, look over the hill, spot the man with the worn-out robe and crusty sandals walking on a road to somewhere and follow him. Don’t ask where, just follow him.

First Believe and Understand God’s Future for His People … Then Get to Work Now!​

Paul capped off the longest, sustained exposition of bodily resurrection in all of scripture (1 Corinthians 15) with this “therefore” directive: “Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. Now about the collection for the Lord’s people [i.e., the poor in Jerusalem] ….” (1 Corinthians 15.58). Whoever wrote the Book of Hebrews upbraided his Jewish Christian audience for not converting their new-found “beliefs” (repentance, faith in God, baptism, resurrection of the dead, and judgment) into “actions.” And he used an agricultural metaphor echoing the parable of The Sower to emphasize that it is what a believer “produces” that counts in the now-and-yet-to-be Kingdom of God.

When an “expert in the law… who wanted to justify himself” and burnish his orthodox credentials tried to test the correctness of Jesus’ beliefs, Jesus responded, not with canon, confession or catechism, but with a story about a mugged stranger who was abandoned by two religious bigwigs. (See Luke 10.25-37). Internecine wars over doctrine and dogma still rage, while the injured and desperate are left by the side of the Jericho Road.

Where is He Leading Us?​

Right smack dab in and through the gates of the Kingdom of God. The Kingdom that he preached about more than any other topic. The Kingdom that is now (“The kingdom of God has come near to you, Luke 10.9; “The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand,” Mark 1.15) and yet to be (in the “new heaven and new earth…God himself will be with them…[and] there will be no more death…crying or pain” Revelation 21.4).

Just look at all the parables he spun concerning what that Kingdom would look like and be like when it comes in fullness at his Second Coming. Jesus is leading his followers to be resurrection people long before we are bodily resurrected. To be people of God right here and right now. People who work to do justice, help others, love all of creation and love all humans “as I have loved you” … and to even love our enemies.

Yes, believe…and then hit the trail so we can all “act justly and … love mercy and … walk humbly with our God” (Micah 6.8).

 

[RiverOL]

6 Telltale Signs that You Might be Experiencing ANXIETY (and How to Get Help)​

Anxiety affects millions of people, however, it can be hard to diagnose. In the early months of my own struggle with anxiety, I brushed off my symptoms as just strong responses to worry, stress, and busyness, but deep in my heart, I knew something was “off.” I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Eventually, I talked to my doctor and started seeing a Christian counselor regularly, but I wish that I had been able to identify my struggle as anxiety a lot earlier than I did. So, what exactly are the telltale symptoms of one experiencing anxiety? Here are some common ones…

1. Worrisome thoughts tend to linger in your mind throughout the day–day after day.

We all struggle with worry from time to time, but worry can morph into anxiety when we experience the same looming and worrisome thoughts for a prolonged season. Whether we experience these lingering anxious thoughts chronically or due to our present circumstances, the fact that we are having trouble moving past these worries is a red flag that we might be experiencing anxiety and need to reach out for help.

2. You experience sweating and heart palpitations when thinking worrisome thoughts.

I will never forget when I experienced my first anxiety attack, because I felt like my heart was literally going to beat out of my chest. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. It was so scary! I also broke a sweat even though I wasn’t in a warm environment. These two symptoms are telltale signs of an anxiety attack, and it’s important that we stop what we are doing to address these physical responses before they get worse.

3. Sometimes, you experience belabored breathing when thinking worrisome thoughts, and this breathing is NOT tied to any recent physical activity.

You don’t have to be experiencing a full-blown anxiety attack to experience belabored breathing. It’s common for our respiration to rise when we feel nervous and have anxious thoughts, and a counselor can teach us some very helpful breathing techniques to slow down our breathing and refocus our thoughts on good things.

4. You have trouble sleeping because your worrisome thoughts seem to plague your mind.

When we struggle with anxiety, night time can be the hardest time of the day. It can be difficult to quiet our mind and keep our worrisome thoughts at bay. I remember toiling over my anxious thoughts for hours only to feel even more anxious and exhausted from losing much-needed sleep. Meditating on Bible verses and prayer helped me tremendously during those long nights.

5. At times, you feel physically ill (and even experience vomiting or diarrhea) when you feel plagued by your worrisome thoughts.

Anxiety doesn’t just affect our mind; it affects our body too. In fact, one telltale sign of anxiety is becoming physically ill when we feel overtaken by our anxiety. This is often experienced alongside the belabored breathing, sweating, and heart palpitations described earlier in this article. Sometimes, dizziness can follow as well. It’s important that we don’t ignore these physical ailments and see a doctor as soon as possible.

6. When you experience stress, you feel completely overwhelmed emotionally because your mind is already so weighed down with anxious thoughts.

When we struggle with anxiety, it’s hard to handle any additional stress that will naturally come our way. So, we find ourselves breaking down emotionally and lashing out at our loved ones. We feel like the weight of the anxiety never goes away, and we so long to feel “normal” again. We know that something’s not quite right with us, but we just can’t shake it off. We fear that we are damaging our relationships, and this fear only adds to our anxiety level.

Friends, if any of these symptoms describe what you’ve been experiencing, please know that you are not alone. You WILL get through this, but it will take some time, patience, and refocusing. Please reach out for help–to loved ones, pastors, doctors, and Christian counselors. Meditate on His Word and pray like you never have before. Please don’t believe the LIE that you will just have to live with this burden forever. God wants you to walk in the freedom that only He can provide.

Here is something I put together that helped me get through my four-year battle with anxiety and depression. It is a devotional called, 31 Verses and Prayers for the Anxious Mind and Heart, and it also has a journal section that is a very useful tool. Do this devotional every day, and you will feel like a different person in 31 days. Please know that I am praying for you!

Thanks for reading, sharing, and commenting. Be blessed!

 

[RiverOL]

3 Things to Do When You’re Disappointed By Your Spouse​

Someone came to me upset with her husband. I mean, really upset. After months of exhausting overtime work and a busy sports season with the kids, they had a day free for some much-needed time for just the two of them. The kids were going to a sleepover with friends, so the day (and night—wink, wink) was clear!


Her husband Dave was going to help his friend with a move for a few hours, then they were going for a long bike ride (a special thing they hadn’t done in a while), then have dinner at their favorite restaurant. She was even planning on a special “dessert” at home (ahem, another thing they hadn’t done in a while!). But Dave’s friend had a crisis and the move ended up taking all day, so there went the bike ride. By the time he got home, he fell asleep for a nap and she couldn’t wake him up for dinner. After how much they needed this break, she was furious that he didn’t care enough to ensure they got it. I could practically see the steam coming out of her ears!

Has something like this ever happened to you? Wait… why do I even need to ask? Of course it has! Every single one of us has been very disappointed by our spouse from time to time. Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be the end of the story! Before you escalate an argument over a failed night out (or a vacation turned sour or “you said you’d pick up the kids today!”), try practicing these three things:

#1 Put yourself in their shoes—just for a moment
While it’s completely okay to be disappointed, I encouraged this woman to try to look over the day from his point of view before she assumed he didn’t care. Might it be that he wasn’t simply ignoring a much-needed opportunity to be together? Might it be that he wasn’t being a jerk and not caring enough? Instead, could it be that the months of overtime and a long move took a toll, and he was just wiped out?


Granted, he didn’t pick the best time to catch up on his sleep, but chances are that he was looking forward to the bike ride and the night out as much as she was. Keep in mind, too, that he was helping a buddy move, not out carousing on the town. It is totally understandable that she would want him to spend his precious, non-overtime hours on her, but it is also worth acknowledging that he was doing something generous for someone else. In other words – he sounds like a generous man. Perhaps she could decide to be generous, too. Which leads to our second point.

#2 Look for the most generous explanation possible

Whenever we’re disappointed by our spouse, it’s essential to look for the more generous explanation and act as if that is the real one – because it probably is. In my research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, the happiest spouses refused to believe the worst of their mate’s intentions, even when they were legitimately, truly hurt. If we think, “He knew how that would make me feel, and he did it anyway,” that translates to “he doesn’t care” and it’s downhill from there. But changing our assumption to “I know he loves me; he must not have known how that would make me feel,” or “this was just a really hard day, and he’s disappointed too,” will make everything about our response different.



And thankfully, that is not just wishful thinking! More than 99 percent of people deeply care about their spouse! Even in struggling marriages, they care. Yet a huge reason why they struggle is that one or both partners don’t believe that fact.

#3 Talk it through—but assume the best, first

Going back to the fuming wife, she can address this with her husband—and definitely should address it if it’s become a pattern with him. But she should do it from the assumption that he wants time with her, just as much as she does with him. Assume that he wants to make her happy, rather than he just doesn’t care. That will undoubtedly change how she speaks to him – and how he responds.



My recommendation for this particular couple? Perhaps it’s time for them to call a truce, ask for and offer forgiveness, book that sitter. . . and maybe plan that dessert after all.