In step

[RiverOL]

To the Spouse Who Works Too Much​

Work is a necessary part of life. But, like most things, there’s a delicate balance when it comes to managing our work hours. If we aren’t careful and intentional, work will dictate our family life and frustrate, if not harm, our marriage.



I was recently talking to several friends of mine who are facing this very predicament. One shared that her husband her husband moved their whole family across state lines to accept a more family-friendly job. At first, the job seemed to be everything she thought it would be. Her husband was home at a decent hour and could have dinner with the family most nights of the week. He only had to work on a Saturday every now and then, instead of every weekend like the previous job. So, my friend was hopeful that this new job would improve their family dynamic.

But, within six months of starting the new position, her husband began staying later at the office and accepting more weekend work. Then, he would be exhausted when he came home, and many nights, he wouldn’t be home in time to see the kids before bed. They found themselves right back in the same predicament as before, and my friend was more frustrated than ever. With tears in her eyes, she asked our group of friends to pray for things to change with her husband’s schedule and for him to see how much the family needs him right now.

4 Work Place Habits that are Harming Your Marriage

My friend is not alone in her frustration. So many families live like this and feel helpless to change things. But, Friends, something has to give–and it shouldn’t be the family. We can’t place our jobs before our spouse and kids. We must work to live–not live to work. There are certainly seasons when our job can be more demanding, but this cannot become the norm. We must find a way to complete our work in such a way that we still have time to invest in our marriage and children. Our job can’t love us back, but our family can. And, they desperately need our love and presence.

So, how much work is too much? Jobs and family situations will vary, but here are 8 signs that you are working too much:

1. You frequently miss family dinners and activities to finish your work.
2. You usually deny your spouse a lunch date because you are too busy at work or have a lunch meeting for work.
3. Most days, you choose to go out with your colleagues after work to “build work relationships” instead of going home to be with your family.
4. Whenever your boss asks you to stay late, work weekends, or take extra work home beyond what your general job requirements, you say “yes.”
5. You rarely use vacation time to do something with your spouse and kids.
6. You have never made it clear to your boss that you prioritize your time with your family and aim to complete your work in such a way that you can spend plenty of time with them.
7. You are often too exhausted to talk to your spouse and kids when you get home, due to the extended work hours, and you feel like you can never quite get enough sleep.
8. You avoid going home promptly after work because home life feels awkward due to the lack of time you tend to spend at home.

Friends, if you find that most of these characteristics are true for you, then be willing to do what it takes to reclaim the time with your spouse and kids that has been lost. You cannot continue to avoid your family and expect your home life to thrive. They need you! Sit down with your spouse and talk about what needs to change with your work schedule. Write it down, and be open to making both small and big changes.

It might take changing positions and sticking to a schedule that is more family-friendly. It might even take taking a pay cut, but your family can do with less of a standard of living if it means having more time with you. Let your spouse know that you love him/her and want to invest in the family more than you have invested in your work. And, then follow through with your actions. You can do this! And, your family will improve by leaps and bounds because of it.

 

[RiverOL]

5 Tough Questions to Consider Before You Call It Quits​

One hundred percent of marriages hit hard spots. And half of them end in divorce. If your happily-ever-after is starting to crumble, and you find yourself asking “When is divorce the right answer?” ask yourself different questions instead.


When I coach women who are struggling in their marriages, I often advise them to ask themselves the same hard questions I asked myself when I thought divorce was the answer.
It’s easy to look at what my husband is not doing and complain.

Women initiate divorce far more often than men these days. Many times we feel our husbands are defective or they’ll never change.
For years, I felt like I did everything–the cooking, the cleaning, the disciplining, the planning–and he was only a paycheck. If my husband was only a paycheck, I thought divorce was the right answer. He could’ve easily put a check in the mail.
I complained and criticized. I decided I’d made a bad decision in marrying him. I couldn’t remember why I was initially attracted to him because at the time, I didn’t even like him.

If my husband was only a paycheck, divorce was the answer​

My husband is more than a paycheck. And yours probably is, too.
Divorce may not be the best solution. If you get into another relationship, you’ll discover your guy is more “normal” than you thought he was.
Most people have thought about divorcing one time or another.
Even though your husband may not be doing everything as you’d like him to do, he adds a dimension to your life you can’t get any other way.
Instead of getting rid of my husband, I decided to ask myself if I was doing everything I could to make my marriage work. I wasn’t.

When I started asking myself hard questions, something in my marriage changed. Mostly with me. As a result of asking myself hard questions, I started making small changes. But they made a huge difference in my marriage. I started treating my husband differently.
And he changed. He became more attentive. He listened more. I started to like him again. A lot.
You may feel like he’ll never change, but quitting may not be the solution.
I wasted too much time focusing on what was wrong with my husband and not enough time on what he did right.

Download​

‘How to Be a Wife No Man Will Ever Want to Leave’ Challenge​

Instead of asking yourself if you should divorce, ask yourself “Am I doing everything I can to improve my marriage?”
Asking hard questions takes your focus off the problems and puts it on solutions. When your marriage feels hard, it’s easy and even natural to want to find someone or something to blame.
But the only behavior you can change is your own. And you can start by asking hard questions.
Instead of asking “When is divorce the right answer?” ask yourself these questions instead:

1. Am I giving my marriage 100 percent?
2. How often do I let my husband know I appreciate him?
3. Do I listen to my husband instead of trying to be heard?
4. How often do I speak encouraging words to my husband?
5. How often do I give my husband the benefit of the doubt instead of jumping to a conclusion?

 

[RiverOL]

What’s the Bold Move?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

The Lord is on my side; I will not fear—Psalm 118:6​

“What’s the bold move?” It’s a question that should be asked often, in one form or another, when men gather in Christian community. It’s a question that challenges us to press our intellectual understanding of the truth of our King, Jesus Christ, into clear, practical action. It dares us to form Gospel words into living, breathing reality. “What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? . . . Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works” (James 2:14, 18). When we men move boldly in faith it demonstrates—with our actions, with our lives—that we do indeed trust Jesus. It confirms that we’ll actually live our lives like we trust him. Maybe it’s finally deciding to draw clear work/home boundaries, despite ambition or difficulty; maybe it’s confessing some sin, despite embarrassment or awkwardness; maybe it’s giving money or time, despite greed or inconvenience; maybe it’s sharing our faith, despite discomfort or fear; or maybe it’s something else entirely. For each of us, there comes a time when we just must take action, must take risk. There comes a time when our faith mandates that action and risk are the only real options. And that’s when things begin to happen—big, breathtaking things—not because we seek them out necessarily, but because they’re the byproduct of lives that reflect faith.

Okay, so what do we do?​ How might you live out your faith with a bold move? Choose something simple, near-term (i.e., this week), and achievable. If you’re in community with other men (and you should be), formulate your bold moves together, customized to each individual and circumstance. Then, keep one another accountable for executing them. This is one way communities of men must work.

 

[RiverOL]

Two Stupidly Simple Pieces of Advice for the New Husband​

I’ve been asked at least a handful of times over the years what advice I would give to either a newly married husband, or soon-to-be-married husband, and I believe in every instance, I’ve given the same two pieces of advice that I make a practice in my own marriage. Obviously this is not an exhaustive list, nor is it a ten-part sermon series on marriage where the intricacies of men’s and women’s roles and responsibilities are drawn out in great detail. This isn’t a “5 steps to a healthier marriage” thing either. These are simply two simple things that I have employed because I believe them to be biblical, but also, they soften my own heart towards my wife when the days come where my own sinfulness and blindness rears its ugly head. They make me a more mindful husband to my wife, so I hope they will likewise prove to be of benefit to you.


This also assumes the recipient of these two pieces of advice is in Christ—otherwise my counsel to those who are not in Christ is even simpler: repent and believe the gospel, because a healthy marriage ought not to be your first prerogative. You can have a “happy” marriage outside of Christ—in fact, I know plenty of unbelievers who have a great, loving relationship with their spouse where they remain faithful to one another, never argue, and share the same life-long vision. That marriage, as peaceful as it may be in the worldly sense, is but a shadow of what it could be if it were brought under a heart of worship. More importantly though, that marriage will stand as a testimony against them on the Final Day, as all marriages portray the love Christ has for His church. Outside of Christ, your marriage, at best, is a pronouncement of woe upon you.

As a final word of caution: these two pieces of advice assume that you have a unified mind and a genuine desire to please the Lord in what He requires of you in your marriage. If you’re looking for cheap and easy advice to improve your marriage in a manner that is consistent with a functional atheism, these two things will only exacerbate the issue. Likewise, if you’re looking for something to do that won’t require additional thought, sacrifice, and action behind the scenes, these won’t help you either.

They are principles and like all principals, they inform why you do something rather than simply how you do it. They presuppose you’ll do everything within your power to be at peace with all people, including your spouse. Likewise, they assume you love your wife and vicariously, that you respect your husband. They presuppose submission to the Christian worldview, born out of a love for God and the spouse He has gifted you with. As the title suggests, this is also primarily written to husbands, namely, because I am one and am speaking as such here.
With those necessary qualifications out of the way, here are the two simple pieces of advice:

1. Be angry and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and do not give the devil an opportunity (Eph. 4:26-27).
2. Tell your wife you love her every single day of your life together.

The first piece of advice is fairly straightforward to apply, so I won’t spend much time here. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give room for the adversary to pit you against one another and for bitterness to fester. Instead, be quick to forgive, extend forgiveness, and reconcile. If you can’t do this, your marriage is likely to be in shambles in no time at all, and will be lucky to survive. The simple reason is bound up in the reality that we are not only commanded to forgive one another, but that we should have an intrinsic desire to do so because Christ has forgiven us. Likewise, it assumes we don’t want to make things more difficult on ourselves by giving our adversary room to sow discord in our marriage.

The second piece of advice though, I would like to spend a bit more time fleshing out. I don’t have an explicit bible verse that demands you tell your wife you love her every single day. I don’t have one that says you tell her you love her even once. If you’re looking for that for your basis in doing it, you won’t find a direct command that specifically tells you to do this. The reason I arrived at this as a principle is that I believe we do nonetheless find basic elements of biblical wisdom wrapped up in it. What I mean by that is simply that while not a command, and thus not something I can bind the conscience on, I would sincerely question the wisdom of one who finds this sort of endeavor foolhardy.


While space prevents me from giving a full exposition of Eph. 5:25-33, the idea largely stems from this passage, in that husbands are to love their wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. The rather obvious conclusion is not that mere words will do—especially when we find the crystal-clear means by which Christ demonstrated His love for the church on the cross, which was the culmination of His love for us. By virtue of Christ’s incredible sacrifice, the demands placed on the husband are high, so mere words will not do in the least bit.

Yet just as I am not arguing for words divorced from action, I am not arguing for action divorced from words, which we see most clearly in the person of Jesus. Christ Himself spoke openly of His own love for His disciples (Jn. 13:34, 14:21, 15:9, 15:12-13), the love the Father has for His children (Jn. 14:23, 15:10), and the care only a loving Father could show (Matt. 6:25-34, 7:7-11). Likewise, the gospels are replete with examples of the evident love that Christ had for people during His earthly ministry (Mk. 10:11; Jn. 11:5, 13:1, 13:23). In the mind of the apostle John, there was no question of Christ’s love for him (Jn. 19:26, 21:7, 21:20).


It is likewise important that we do not underestimate the value of words, especially when we consider that the Lord gave us words, sentences, paragraphs, and books as the very means by which He communicates His love to us. The biblical writers overwhelm us with a sense of what it means to love and be loved by God, so much so, that the essence of God Himself is equated with love, meaning quite simply that genuine love is not known apart from God. While there may be a semblance of this love as a means of common grace given to all, it remains a pale, dim shadow of the boundless, eternal love of our Lord which culminates in Christ’s sacrifice on our behalf. It is this ultimate expression of love that leads the apostle Paul to say with regard to our victory in Christ over various sufferings, trials, and besetting sins:

31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? 33 Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; 34 who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. 35 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 Just as it is written,
“For Your sake we are being put to death all day long;
We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The argument I am making here is quite simply that Scripture speaks over and again toward the undeniably beautiful reality that God loves us—and if this is the case, why would we not affirm the same with our wives? It is a logical argument bound to the preponderance of evidence that the Trinitarian God we profess has both verbally professed His love for us and demonstrated it in action. The Father expresses His love and care through the sending of His Son; the Son expresses His love and care through the giving of His life for us; the Spirit expresses His love and care through the helping, indwelling, and sealing of all God’s children. In perfect Trinitarian unity, the Godhead expresses His love for us in the Divine writ, preserved for us for our continual benefit so that we might behold Christ, who is the source of our life. Surely, God has proven Himself faithful to His Word, yet that nonetheless necessitates His Word being given to us.

Yet even it this argument falls flat for you, I might simply ask: why would you not desire to regularly remind your wife of your love for her? The answer to that question may be more revealing than we’d prefer, but I believe a consistent expression of love both in word and deed can only stand to be of benefit. After all, pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones (Pro. 16:24). At the heart of what I’m trying to express is a delight in one’s wife (Pro. 5:18). It is akin to the flowery language found in the Song of Solomon, where a sense of abandon is felt in a state of enraptured marital bliss—where out of the abundance of love in the heart, the mouth speaks. What I’m plainly saying is that every husband should be able to speak to his wife in a manner that is only for her and conveys his love for her.


I know for many men this is a difficult thing simply because the prevailing cultural dogma is either one of two extremes: any display of emotion and intimacy is either perverse or womanly. For many others, they find themselves married to a woman who is difficult to love. I would be remiss if I did not remind the reader that God has not only described love in terms that are neither perverse nor emasculating, but arise first and foremost out of His great love for us, irrespective of our initial love for Him (1 Jn. 4:19). Our obligation to love our wives, indeed, even to express our love, comes from the overflow of our heart towards them. You need not express it in Shakespearian sonnet (though I doubt your wife would complain). You need only express it, and express it often.

It is easy to wrap things up under the auspices of not being good with words, not being an overly emotional person, nor being a person who feels the need to say, “I love you,” all that often. To that I simply say it doesn’t truthfully matter how you feel, namely, because this isn’t about you nor is it for you. It is especially easy to slip into this mentality if your wife is a contentious woman or a “continual dripping” (Pro. 19:13, 21:9).

Yet even in this, we go right back to the profound mystery of the gospel as revealed in marriage. The church has often proven to be a rather difficult bride to Christ, yet the continual example we have set before us is one of love. In all of these things, love does not seek its own interest, nor is it the oft romanticized feeling of butterflies that fades with time. Instead, it is an objective affection born out of the desire for a person’s ultimate good. It is desiring their flourishing. It is a laying down of one’s life, yet also, in a manner of seeking after God, using words to describe the reality behind the laying down of one’s life.

 

[RiverOL]

What The Bible Says About Judging Others​

It’s so easy to judge others and others to judge us, but we can be wrong, and so can they, so here’s what the Bible says about judging.

Judging Others​

When Jesus was speaking about judging others, He wasn’t saying we don’t make judgments about people. For example, we make judgments about whether someone would be a good spouse or not by the way they treat their mother, how they are around children and pets, and other situations, and if we see enough red flags (especially about violent tendencies or drug or alcohol abuse), we make a judgment that this person would not be a good spouse, so judging people from this standpoint is not only good…it helps us avoid big trouble down the road. Judging in itself is not a bad thing, but it’s not the same thing as judging someone in a condemning way.

This is what Jesus spoke about in Matthew 7:1-2, telling us, “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.” Jesus went even further, saying, “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6:37). The Apostle Paul put it in no uncertain terms: “Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things” (Rom 2:1-2). God’s judgment falls on those who practice sinful things…not our judgment. They will not be judged by our words, but by the Word of God. That judges them.

Judging Ourselves​

It is not for us to judge whether someone is saved or not. Even if their behavior appears less than Christian, we are all on a different journey and the Spirit of God may have more difficulty in working in some people’s lives than others. Why some people are immediately able to overcome alcoholism after conversion while others struggle their whole lives with it, is a mystery to me. Both may be saved, but one may have a radically different upbringing than the others.

There are so many factors, and most of them are unknown by us, so James is right in saying, “Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor” (James 4:11-12)? Only God can see a person’s heart. The Lord told Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart” (1 Sam 16:7).

If there is any judgment to be made, it is “for judgment to begin at the household of God; and if it begins with us, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God” (1 Pet 4:17)? The Apostle Paul asks a rhetorical question: “For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge” (1 Cor 5:12).

The Word’s Judgment​

Jesus did not come into the world to condemn the world, but rather to save it. John 3:17 says, “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” Judgment is coming, but it won’t be we who judge the world, but Jesus Himself. Those who brought a woman to Jesus who was caught in adultery had a double standard. They forget about the man! What about him?

Wasn’t he just as guilty!? Jesus “stood up and said to them, Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7). What happened? One by one they all left, for there are none without sin. This is why James says, “Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door” (James 5:9). Jesus even uses hyperbole to make a point about judging others, asking them, “how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matt 7:4-5). If we have greater sin in our own life, we can’t even see well enough to help our brother or sister deal with the sin in their life. That’s like someone stealing funds from their employer while lecturing another for taking a paperclip home.

The Final Judgment​

The Last Judgment by Michelangelo, Sistine Chapel, 1541.
If we are trying to get even with those who have hurt us, we are not leaving it to the justice of God. That means we’re trying to sit on God’s throne, but it’s a one-seater! He alone is the Just Judg. We’re trying to usurp God’s authority, and we’re not qualified or capable to judge what’s inside a person’s heart. Paul warns us to “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord” (Rom 12:17-29). They will give an account before God and not us, since “each of us will give an account of himself to God” (Rom 14:12). We will not give an account before others, or they before us. It is before God they and we will fall or stand, but if you’ve trusted in Jesus Christ, you will stand. Otherwise, it’s a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God (Heb 10:31).

Conclusion​

I hope these Bible verses help you understand that we can trust God and leave judgment up to Him. Remember how Jesus Christ responded? “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Pet 2:23). What we must do is “Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted” (Heb 12:3). Even when (not if) people hurl insults at you because of your faith in Christ, “Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing” (1 Pet 3:9). Even when (not if) unbelievers judge you as being insane, don’t’ judge them back. God will judge them, so “If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you” (1 Pet 4:14). It is good to be blessed by being insulted for His name’s sake (Matt 5:10-12).

 

[RiverOL]

What is good news and how do we communicated it? (Isaiah 40:1–11)​

What is good news and how do we communicate it?​

David C. Cramer​

Read Isaiah 40:1–11​

Isaiah 40:1–11 is addressed to a people—indeed, to a nation—that is slowly emerging from a prolonged, painful experience of collective trauma.
Old Testament scholars observe that verses 1–11 serve as the prologue to the second major unit of Isaiah, chapters 40–55. The first unit of Isaiah, chapters 1–39, speaks words of judgment on Judah for its sin, idolatry, and oppression. This section leads up to the ultimate judgment on the people in 587 BCE, when Jerusalem is conquered and destroyed by the Babylonian Empire, and many of its people are taken into exile.

In contrast, the second unit of Isaiah is written to the people of Judah as they are returning from exile. As Old Testament scholar Michael Chan observes, “The exile is anticipated in Chapter 39 and then only assumed in Isaiah 40. It’s as if the editors didn’t need to—or perhaps couldn’t bear to—talk about ‘that’ time, when God handed over God’s beloved Daughter Zion into the hands of a vicious foreign army.”

Chan thus describes how the author is “forced to preach to an audience that had experienced trauma and whose relationship to God had been deeply wounded as a result. For this audience, God’s hiddenness was far more real than God’s presence.”
As with post-exilic Judah, we too are in a moment of (hopefully) emerging—however slowly it may be—from a period of collective trauma. Between a pandemic that has taken hundreds of thousands of lives in the United States alone and has caused untold suffering around the world and the magnitude of racial and sexualized violence that many of us are just beginning to comprehend, we are a traumatized people.

Yet this text is addressed not to the people themselves but to the messenger or messengers to the people. It’s addressed, quite literally, to those charged with bringing the news to the people. To the herald who brings the press.
This passage, in other words, is all about words—about communication. Old Testament scholar John Goldingay writes, “The importance of the notion of communication in vv. 1–11 is indicated by the frequent use of words for communication, ‘say’ (four times), ‘speak’ (twice), ‘call out’ (four times), ‘raise [the voice]’ (twice). The passage is substantially about words.”

The question, then, is this: What’s the good news I have to communicate? In addition to this question are two related questions: For whom is the news I have to communicate good? And how can I communicate this news in a way that it is heard as good?

Max Pixel / Creative Commons

What’s the good news I have to communicate?​

Having grown up in an evangelical context and come into the Anabaptist fold in my early 20s, I spent a fair amount of time wrestling with the age-old question: What is the gospel? Is it the spiritualized message that I learned in my evangelical childhood and youth? Or is it the social message that I was encountering in my reading of Anabaptist historians and Bible scholars? Or is it perhaps the political message I was encountering among the more radical Anabaptist theologians and activists?
These questions led me to write my theology dissertation on the influence of the early twentieth-century social gospel theologian Walter Rauschenbusch on contemporary Anabaptist theology and ethics.

But now that I’m in pastoral ministry, I’ve become weary any kind of essentialized definition of the gospel. The gospel, or Greek euangelion, just means good news. And good news just is news that is good.
For those returning from exile in Babylon, the good news was a simple but profound message of comfort. Their sins have been paid for. They will again see the glory of the Lord. The Lord will protect them and gently shepherd them. According to Ivan Friesen, this “prologue announcing good tidings” presents “a theology of hope resting on a foundation of the Lord’s power and presence.”

For Jewish peasants in first century Palestine, the good news was the arrival of their long-awaited messiah, who would reveal the salvation, deliverance, or liberation of God.
For many who heard Walter Rauschenbusch preach, the good news was that the Kingdom of God is advancing on earth as it is in heaven.
For many who heard Billy Graham preach, the good news was that they could be at peace with God.

As author Osheta Moore has poignantly shared, the good news for many of our sisters and brothers of color today is that Black lives matter.
In hindsight, it’s kind of silly to do so much hand wringing over the definition of good news. We know it when we hear it! And just because a message of good news isn’t the comprehensive message of good news for all times and all places doesn’t make it any less good or any less news.

For whom is the news I have to communicate good?​

As an editor at Baker Academic and Brazos Press and now at the Institute of Mennonite Studies, I have had the pleasure of reviewing many a book proposal. And there’s one question on every book proposal that provides a dead giveaway about how realistic the author is about their project: Who do you envision as the intended audience for your book?

You would be surprised how many authors write something to this effect: Although this project is written with other scholars in mind, it could be used in an undergrad or seminary classroom or read by pastors or your average person in the pew.
What that kind of answer indicates immediately is that the author has no idea who their message is for, which means there’s a good chance it’s not for anyone. As it turns out, the average person in the pew doesn’t find academic Mennonite theology that interesting, nor do academic Mennonite theologians find books written for the average person in the pew.

As much as we like to believe that our good news should be good news for everyone, more often than not there’s a specific audience who needs to hear it.
For the prologue to the second part of Isaiah, the good news was for the people of Zion, Jerusalem, and the towns of Judah. Kristin Wendland observes of this passage:

At the end of this passage the city of Jerusalem, also identified as Zion, is personified. This is a common trope in Isaiah 40-66. . . . However, the place in the Old Testament in which Zion is personified most consistently is in the first two chapters of the book of Lamentations. In Lamentations 1-2 Daughter Zion cries out against the destruction wrought her. She speaks words of accusation against her human enemies and even God. The refrain that comes again and again is, “There is no one to comfort her” . . . At the end of her speeches—and even the end of the book of Lamentations—Daughter Zion receives no response to her cry.
The response to Zion’s laments comes, rather, in other biblical books. The response comes in verses such as Isaiah 40:1 “Comfort, O comfort my people.” The response comes in verses such as Isaiah 40:9 in which the words for Jerusalem to speak are not those of lament but of good news. She is no longer told to wail but to raise her voice without fear. The message given is confident and hopeful, “Here is your God!” Here is a God who comes to feed the flock, to gather the lambs, to lead the mother sheep—to bring comfort. Here is God in whom one may have hope.

We’re all familiar with Jesus’s inaugural sermon in Luke 4:18–19, where he reads from this same scroll of Isaiah to proclaim:

The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.

This is a message of good news with a concrete and specific audience. And, while it was received by its intended audience as good news, there were many others for whom it was heard as a threat to their way of life. While ultimately the liberation of the oppressed is good for both the oppressed and the oppressor, it is more likely to be heard as good by the former than the latter.

How can I communicate this news in a way that it is heard as good?​

This prologue in Isaiah 40 is an extended instruction on how to communicate the good news in a way that it is heard as good by a traumatized people. In verse 2, the prophet is told to “comfort” God’s people and “speak tenderly” to them. But at the same time, in verse 9, the heralds of good news are instructed to “go up on a high mountain” and “lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up, do not be afraid.” Michael Chan sees in this passage a “primer on preaching”:

Isaiah 40:1–11 represents the very best kind of preaching. It is the kind of preaching that is grounded in proclamation and promise, but shaped fundamentally by careful listening to those things that afflict the hearts of his audience. Great preaching one might say involves two ears and one mouth. Like all of us, Second Isaiah was forced to preach to an audience that had experienced trauma and whose relationship to God had been deeply wounded as a result. For this audience, God’s hiddenness was far more real than God’s presence, and the preacher’s job, at least in part, is to point to those places where God is present (“Here is your God!” verse 9).

Osheta Moore challenges peacemakers to pursue peace by building others up as opposed to calling others out. She shares how she tries to humanize an issue by telling personal stories from her own experiences or the experiences of others. That is the comforting, tender side of the how.

But there is also the “lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up, do not be afraid” side. And this is where Moore calls “dear white peacemakers” to speak up and speak out on behalf of racial justice. To not be afraid to say the wrong thing or be guilty of “whitesplaining” but to use your voice to proclaim the good news that black lives matter—to you and to God.

I’m writing from my office at Keller Park Church in South Bend, Indiana, where I’m the teaching pastor. The sanctuary will be empty on Sunday when we stream our service. But while we haven’t gathered indoors as a church for worship for many months, our sanctuary is getting more use than ever.

Back in March 2020, when we received word that the South Bend Community Schools would be closing in light of the governor’s orders to shelter-in-place, we knew that meant that many of the kids in our neighborhood would go without adequate nutrition, since many of them rely on school meals throughout the week.
Even with the school corporation providing sack lunches at various pick-up locations throughout the city, many kids would go without a regular hot meal. And so, on March 16, 2020, our congregation sprang into action.

Overnight we transformed our sanctuary into a food distribution center. We stacked chairs and put tables in their place. Boxes of cereal and bottles of water filled the front of the stage where music equipment once stood. Large roasters and to-go containers covered the ministry table. Bright colored masks made by volunteers found their place in the sound booth.

We assembled a small but dedicated team of food preparers and distributors from those of us who live in walking distance to the church. The rest of the congregation contributed by making donations to our new “COVID-19 response” fund on our website or by dropping off extra groceries in a cooler on the front steps of the parsonage.

For the first three months or so, we served three hot meals out of the church a week. In the summer months, we switched to one hot meal on Saturday mornings along with boxes of food for the week on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
On Thanksgiving day, knowing that many people wouldn’t be traveling to see family or wouldn’t have the means to prepare a traditional meal, the pastors and our kids along with another family made an assembly line in the sanctuary that served 125 Thanksgiving meals in an hour.

Some might look at this use of our space as a nice soup kitchen or food pantry but not the work of the gospel. But, for our neighborhood reeling from the physical and economic trauma we’re experiencing from the pandemic, a hot meal and a food box is the most tangible kind of good news we could offer.

 

[RiverOL]

A Parable of Two Seas​

Jesus said, “The one who believes in me…will have streams of living water flow from deep within him” (John 7:38).
There’s an old but excellent analogy I find very helpful as a picture of a healthy Christian life. In northern Israel lies the beautiful Sea of Galilee, where Jesus often sailed with His disciples. Water freely flows from it into the Jordan River. Its water is fresh and life-giving. Like many, we’ve been there and seen and smelled its vitality.

But 88 miles south is a radically different sea. One of the lowest spots on earth, the Dead Sea collects large volumes of water but disperses none. Its salt concentration is so high no fish or vegetation can survive. While it’s fun to float on the Dead Sea—you can’t help but do so—it’s not fun to realize how utterly dead that sulfur-smelling water really is.

While the Jordan River flows into the Sea of Galilee, it also flows out. The water passes through, allowing it to support fish and plant life. Trapped, with no outlet, the Dead Sea keeps taking water in, but none leaves it but by evaporation.
No outlet means no life. This is a parable. In order to be faithful stewards and love others, we must be not only recipients of God’s provision but also outlets of it. Only then will we experience the abundant life He intends for us. (And we won’t smell like sulfur to everyone either!)

 

[RiverOL]

5 Things MARRIED WOMEN Need to Stop Doing​

Recently, my husband, Dave, wrote a wildly popular blog post, “9 Things Married Men Need to Stop Doing”. Since the husbands have a list, I think it is only fair for the wives to one as well. As married women, we have things WE need to stop doing too. So, here it is…

1. We need to stop treating our husband like he is a child.
This might hit a nerve with some of you, but it happens all too often. I’ve caught myself doing it before. In an effort to bring out the “best” in our husbands, we start mothering them. If we want to bring out the best in our husband, then we need to show him that we RESPECT him…even when he’s not quite worthy of it yet. I know this seems a bit crazy, but almost every marriage book I have ever read emphasizes the husband’s great need for respect from his wife. Let’s show him that we respect him and see what happens. Just watch how he rises to the occasion. As wives, we have special powers when it comes to this. A husband needs and desires his wife…not another mother.

2. We need to SAY what we mean and stop depending on our non-verbal communication.
Most women I know (myself included) struggle with this. We tend to have good intuition, so we expect our husbands to as well. The funny and frustrating thing about it is that 9 times out of 10, they just take us at our word. They aren’t reading into our body language, sighs, or eye rolls. This becomes a HUGE problem when we constantly depend on our non-verbals to do all the “talking”.
Non-verbals should only enhance our words, not take their place. For more on this, be sure to read “The Most Common Mistake Women Make in Marriage”. As married women, we can’t shy away from talking through things…WITH WORDS…even if our husband seems happy to avoid talking. Let’s approach our husbands with love and really share our hearts with them. Intimacy begins with interaction.

3. We need to stop placing our children before our husband.
I know this one can be a bit controversial, especially when it comes to blended families, but please hear me out. As parents, we are called to love and protect our children with every fiber of our being. The primary way we can do this is by prioritizing our marriage. The greatest gift we can offer our kids isn’t something money can buy; it is a healthy, happy, and loving marriage that they can look to as a good example.

My husband always says that we should have the kind of marriage that makes our kids WANT to get married someday. This doesn’t mean we have to be perfect. It just means that we both choose to love and commit ourselves to fostering a strong marriage. This provides a kind of love and security for our children that will last a lifetime.
If you have a blended family and are navigating this issue, Kristie Carpenter, author of “The Blended Family Mom”, has some great insight and resources.

4. We must stop hanging out with friends who devalue or trash talk our husband.
I’ve seen this one mistake lead to divorce right before my eyes. We often become the very company we keep. So, next time you are hanging out with your girlfriends, pay close attention to how they talk about your husband. If it tends to be negative, than I would venture to say that she isn’t a very good friend. In a previous post on the Facebook Marriage Page, I shared this quote,

When we hear our friends cutting down our spouse, we tend to see our spouse in that same negative light. This must stop. Marriage is hard enough without negative friends. For more on this, be sure to check out “4 Things Worth Fighting For in Your Marriage”.
If we want to build and maintain stronger marriages, then we have to foster friendships that respect our marriages and the institution of marriage as a whole.
5. We need to stop flirting with other men.
This one probably seems like a no-brainer to most of you, and yet it is a BIG problem in many marriages. It may start innocently…you share laughs with a co-worker. Then, you go to lunch…just the two of you. Before you know it, the emails start coming. Then, texts and phone calls. And, then, that man is all you can think about. You start hiding any communication with this person from your husband. Before you know it, you find yourself in a sexual affair.
“How did I get here?”…

“How did I let it get this far?” you think.
He was just a guy you enjoyed talking to at work.
It was just some innocent flirting, right?
Friend, we must open our eyes to the truth. No flirting outside of our marriage is good. There is NO such thing as “innocent flirting”. It is the gateway drug to affairs, and it can ruin marriages.

As wives, we will certainly have conversations with other men at the office, church, or out-and-about, but we don’t have to flirt with these other men. We should do our best to never be alone with another man that isn’t our husband or blood relative. Nothing good can come from it.
Whenever we are talking to other men, we need to ask ourselves, “Would I feel comfortable with my husband having this same conversation (that I am having) with another woman?”. If the answer is “No” then we are out of bounds, and we need to end the conversation immediately. This may sound overzealous, but it just might save your marriage.
When we mess with fire, we will get burned. I don’t want any of us to live with a lackluster marriage or feel the pain of an affair. Let’s do all that we can to protect and strengthen our marriages.
Be blessed!

 

[RiverOL]

5 Ways to Communicate With Your Partner By Being Less Defensive​

Many couples struggle with regrettable incidents and argue about the same things over and over again. While it’s tempting to attack your partner when you feel hurt or frustrated, it can lead to misunderstandings and emotional detachment. That said, you’ll get the love you want by focusing on listening rather than defending your position. Try to adopt a “we’re in this together” approach to communication and your relationship will improve over time.


For instance, if John says to Casey “I would appreciate it if you’d cut back on expenses for awhile,” this “I” statement would be more effective than saying, “You never worry about our budget, you overspend often.” In most cases, a“You” statement would spark her defensiveness.

Like many couples, John and Casey can benefit from expressing more positive statements. If John accuses Casey of overspending and assumes the worst of her, this will lead to an unfortunate pattern of negativity where both partners end up digging their heels in and have trouble connecting in an intimate and loving way.
The following are 5 ways to stop being defensive with your partner and foster loving communication:

5 Ways to Stop Being Defensive With Your Partner:
1. State needs clearly without blaming your partner. If you feel yourself feeling upset or taking things personally, press the pause button and suggest a break to your partner before continuing a difficult conversation. You might say “I’m feeling frustrated with our interaction right now and I can feel myself getting agitated. Can we talk again later tonight?
2. Validate your partner’s thoughts and feelings. When you respond to him or her, validate their perspective and use a soft start-up such as “I love you and want to get along.” Be sure to use good eye contact to reassure your partner you are listening to him or her.
3. Focus on the present. When you dwell on the past, you miss the chance to work together to come up with a solution to your problems. Instead, focus on the present to better understand your partner’s point of view. Fight against the urge to bring up your partner’s raw spots or issues you know might trigger his or her defensiveness.
4. Use “I” statements to express yourself without blaming your partner. State what you want clearly such as “I would like to talk about our budget with you.” Avoid using “You” statements such as “You never care about our budget.” Remember to focus on expressing your feelings in a way that invites your partner to communicate, rather than shutting him or her out or putting them down.

5. Focus more on your contribution to the problem and you will be less likely to point your finger at your partner or take things personally. Reflect on how your words and actions might make your partner feel and let him or her know that you own your part in a disagreement. Try to focus on changing your behavior, rather than trying to change your partner’s views or personality.

When you are having an dispute with your partner, remember your goals of mutual understanding and respect. It’s a good idea to give your partner the benefit of the doubt rather than attacking them or getting defensive. Being defensive or negative will only push your partner away. The next time you feel upset at your partner, examine your own thoughts and responses — before you point out his or her faults—if you want your relationship to last.

 

[RiverOL]

How to Set Relationship Goals​

We were very lucky early in our marriage to be introduced to the value of goal setting. As simple (and to some, maybe cheesy) as it sounds, goal setting is essential in a relationship.

Something within us knows this. Which is why #relationshipgoals is a trending aspect of our modern culture. We usually use this to reference some sweet or adventurous moment we see in others we want to replicate. But it points to the desire within each of us to achieve something in our relationships and at least a hint of our willingness to be intentional about reaching that something.

Vision​

The first step toward relationship goals is vision casting. What is your relationship about? Too often, we are in a hurry and want to set goals based on the whims and trends of the day. We just want what we want in the moment. And we never reach it because tomorrow’s allure is always waiting.
A vision for your relationship gives your goals a place to go. It tethers them to something meaningful. You’ll need it when chasing the goal gets difficult. It is the motivator, the why behind what you are doing.

Assessment​

The next step to goal setting is an assessment of where you are. What is true about your relationship? What is lacking? What opportunities, desires, and gifts are contained within your relationship?
A quick assessment helps you discern where to begin. It creates a structural tension between where you want to go (your vision) and where you are.

Baby Steps​

Now, you are ready to name and chase your goals. With the vision of your relationship in mind, the key to goal setting is to keep your goals SMART.

Because most people dive into goals without first establishing vision, our goals tend to be too big, too far away. The key to effective goal setting is baby-steps. Give yourself a time limit for goals (i.e. a date night once a week for a month).
This allows you to measure small and measure often. When the month is over, you have the chance to evaluate your goal. Did you achieve it? Why or why not? Did it bring you closer to your vision?

By measuring small and often, our goals have an exponential effect on our relationship. Togetherness becomes an intentional journey. Not only our goals, but the big-picture vision for our relationship starts to become a reality.
Goals are hard work. It is easy to daydream about what could be. But if you are serious about setting goals and chasing after the best relationship possible, it is going to take intentional steps. The key, like everything to do with relationships, is commitment. And the courage to begin.

 

[RiverOL]

Jesus experienced shame, not low self-esteem​

Writing the Foreword for Gregg Ten Elshof’s For Shame was a challenge. Why? Because forewords have to be short, and I could hardly contain my enthusiasm after reading his book. For Shame is a genuine contribution to recent discussions about shame. Although a short read, it will doubtless stir serious debate.
Ten Elshof doesn’t shy away from controversy, but not for the sake of provocation itself. Rather, he presses readers to expand their understanding of shame while considering its theological and practical ramifications.

In my opinion, people will have a hard time accepting one idea in particular—the claim that Jesus could feel shame. Even as I write that sentence, I know some readers will immediately tune out anything else he says. Yet, I’m just as certain that no one who just read that sentence will actually grasp what Ten Elshof means.

The difficulty is not that Ten Elshof uses the word “shame” in an odd, unprecedented way. Rather, he reminds us of a basic idea underlying all definitions of shame.
This post explains what Ten Elshof means by “shame.” In the next post, I will clarify how it relates to various types of shame.

Jesus Experienced Shame​

When people define shame, they usually link it to a loss of self-esteem. This popular understanding refers to psychological shame, the kind Brene Brown speaks about. But Ten Elshof says this:

“It is possible, after all, to experience shame (even quite intense shame) without any corresponding loss of self-esteem.
Recall, for example, the shame Jesus Christ suffered on our behalf. Jesus was publicly and falsely accused of something shameful and criminal—claiming to be divine while not divine. As a consequence, he suffered public ridicule and was widely shunned. He was publicly and disgracefully stripped of his clothing, tortured, and killed.
To put it mildly, he suffered a precipitous loss of social capital and connection. He was shamed. And according to Christian teaching, if it did not pain him to experience this loss of social capital and connection in company that mattered to him—if he did not undergo felt shame—he was not in all manner of things like us. Presumably, then, Jesus experienced felt shame—intense shame.
But just as clearly, he did not suffer a lowering of self-esteem. He did not judge himself to be a person of less worth, dignity, or ability as a result of his experience, and he did not experience any loathing affect directed at himself. His shame was great, but his sense of his own dignity and self-worth were unassailed.” (p. 62)

One could easily misread this statement. A reader could miss the nuance in his argument. We must be conscious of the fact that shame is multifaceted.


As I’ve said several times, people tend to talk past one another because they are generally familiar with certain aspects of shame. Writers from disparate fields use the same word but seem to talk about different subjects entirely. Consequently, we end up talking past one another.
(This is precisely why I wrote “Have Theologians No Sense of Shame? How the Bible Reconciles Objective and Subjective Shame.” In that article, I distinguish psychological, social, and sacred shame and note their presence in the Bible.)

But How Did He Experience Shame?​

At first, Ten Elshof seems merely to highlight the social shame Jesus experienced, i.e., the community around him treated and regarded him as worthy of shame. But Ten Elshof implies more than that. He suggests that something is actually going on inside of Jesus.
He explains,

“Can shame be experienced apart from lowered self-esteem for us who are mere mortals?” It certainly can.
Imagine being publicly (though mistakenly) accused of an extremely shameful and criminal act. Imagine that the evidence publicly presented, though misleading, is compelling and damning indeed. And imagine that, as a consequence, you are widely shunned and poorly regarded.
You would lose social capital and connection and would suffer shame in the communities that matter to you. And if your emotions were tracking the situation in a healthy way, you would feel the pain of lost social capital and connection. But your opinion of yourself would not be affected.
Knowing you are innocent, you’d not think yourself less worthy, dignified, or able than prior to the accusation. You would suffer intense shame and have the painful emotional experience of yourself as an object of diminished social consequence in company that mattered to you. You would experience yourself as a source of discomfort and pain in the world. But you’d not necessarily sink into self-loathing or experience diminished self-esteem—at least not if shame is functioning as it should in your psychology.” (p. 63)

In focusing on the experience of Jesus, Ten Elshof underlines an aspect of shame that is implicit in other forms of shame. In short, shame entails a person’s sensitivity to the opinion of others.

Sensitivity to Opinion?​

“Sensitivity” does not require agreement nor unhealthy neediness. Instead, it concerns both awareness and the displeasure that comes along with lost social connection. If a person does not have such sensitivity, they are called “shameless.” And, ironically, a shameless person is shameful.

As I and others have explained (like here, here, and here), shame is a moral emotion. A sensitivity for the opinion of another foundational for character development. Concern for other people’s opinions is inherent and thus necessary for cultivating humility.[1] Mencius says,

“Whoever has no sense of shame is not human.”[2]

Accordingly, the one who is not sensitive to shame is a threat to others.
While For Shame touches on several features of shame, this particular one often goes unnoticed or perhaps assumed.
In the next post, I’ll illustrate how shame-as-sensitivity-to-social-opinion relates to the other types of shame.

 

[RiverOL]

4 Characteristics of a Good and Faithful Servant​

What does Jesus mean by calling some, “Good and faithful servant?” Who is a faithful servant?

Faithful​

What believer doesn’t long for the day when Jesus will say to them, “Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master” (Matt 25:23). This is opposed to those who wouldn’t even invest in what God had entrusted to them (Matt 25:24-27), but what does it mean to be a faithful servant. Jesus doesn’t say “good and gifted servant,” or “good and skilled servant.”

It is being faithful where He puts the emphasis, so what does it mean to be faithful, particularly a faithful servant of Christ? You don’t have to look far to find out what we are commanded do (Matt 25:35-36; James 1:27). In fact, God has preordained good works for you do to, if you and I would only walk in (or do) them (Eph 2:10). Being faithful is going where and when one’s needed. Ninety-percent of serving is just showing up, so being faithful means being available. One person that doesn’t show up is one person who won’t serve.

That means more for someone else to do, so just showing up is essential to being a faithful servant. If you think what you are doing is insignificant, don’t miss the fact that Jesus said that if “You have been faithful over a little,” He “will set you over much,” so you might “Enter into the joy of your master” (Matt 25:23). Your faithfulness doesn’t depend on how little or how much you have, but what you do with it. Are you faithful in showing up and in using what you have been given by God?

Available​

If we make ourselves available, we’ll be more faithful, but the world competes with our time and resources. It’s a battle of the flesh verses the Spirit. It is just as the Apostle Paul wrote, “For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (Rom 7:15), and as a result, “I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing” (Rom 7:19). God often places opportunities to serve or share Christ, but sometimes we are thinking of ourselves too much and fear rejection. Let’s face it. We all like to be liked, but that’s not what we’re called to.

We are called to share Christ, and serve Christ by doing unto others, which Jesus’ takes personally (Matt 25:40). The day will come when “each of us will give an account of himself to God” (Rom 14:12). For some that will be a day of rejoicing, but apparently, for some, it will be a day of shame, as they knew they were negligent in their calling, doing little or nothing for Christ. The Apostle John wrote in that context, saying, “And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming” (1 John 2:28). If you are abiding in Christ, you will be available for Christ. Abiding in Christ produces fruits of the Spirit, and Jesus said that it is “By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples” (John 15:8). It’s not so much ability as it is availability. I believe 90% of being a faithful servant is simply being available!

Teachable​

One way to look at being faithful is to be abiding in Jesus’ words, and those words are found in Scripture. The more we read the Bible, the more it reads us, and shows us where we come up short, but it also shows us ways we can be more faithful, and that’s our desire; to be good and faithful servant. One aspect of being a faithful servant is sitting at the Master’s feet and learning from Him, and that means reading His book, the Bible.

This book helps us to yield to the Spirit more easily. The Bible helps us grow in holiness (sanctification), teaches us how to witness, and it reveals who are Jesus’ disciples (John 13:34-35). A faithful servant learns from the Master, so more time spent with the Master and His Word, the more you will naturally want to serve Christ (Matt 25:35-36, 40). A person who has their portion of His daily Bread will recognize serving opportunities when they see them, having seen dozens in Scripture.

Flexible​

Your best friends, relatives, or spouse are generally the only ones you’d wouldn’t worry about calling at three in the mourning if their car broke down. There’s probably on a handful of people that most of us could call at that hour and ask for help, but that’s what separates the faithful ones from those who are only friends when it’s smooth sailing. When the waters get rough, many will bail out on us, but the faithful ones will not. It seems that the hardest times reveal who is and who is not closest to us. Scripture teaches us that “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Prov 17:17), even if that adversity comes at three in the morning.

One thing about helping out was in a case where a nursery worker called in sick and so they asked the congregation if someone would be willing to lend a hand to the nursery worker assistant. I realize that there is no gift for emptying diaper pails, changing diapers, and feeding babies, but not one person offered to help, even though they only needed them for half an hour. That is until my wife stepped up. She was faithful, making herself available, and was flexible in serving where she could.

Conclusion​

Today is closer than yesterday to the day when Jesus will say to some, “Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master” (Matt 25:23)? Notice that Jesus doesn’t emphasize what is being done, or how much a person has, but what they’ve done with what they’ve been given. The widow’s mite was the greatest of all giving that day.

I believe that Jesus will say well done, good and faithful servant for being faithful in the things that He command us to do, and those things are revealed in Scripture (i.e. Matt 25:35-36, 28:19-20;James 1:27, etc.). He will see this being done to others, by in reality, it is being done unto Him (Matt 25:40). Having done nothing for Him is a serious problem (Matt 25:40), but that’s the point. We do it for Him, and we do it to Him, and we do it for His glory (Psalm 115:1; John 15:8).

Jesus is looking for those who will be faithful; who will make themselves available, those who will be open and remain teachable, and to be flexible in whatever situation God has placed them in. I worked as a janitor for seven years, and nothing is below our dignity if we do it as unto the Lord. There is no trivial servant who has so little that he or she could still not be faithful. Perhaps someday, maybe soon (?), you and I will hear Jesus say, “Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master” (Matt 25:23).

 

[RiverOL]

4 OPTIONS WHEN THE CULTURE MOCKS AND OPPOSES YOUR FAITH: A Study in 1 Peter​

Like so many college students who are weary of being mocked by their professors for being Bible-believing Christians and getting their grades reduced, husbands who are mocked by their buddies for not looking at porn or partying with their coworkers after work, wives who forego a professional career to stay at home to be a wife and mother, virgin singles who are the punchline of jokes at the gym for waiting until marriage to have sex, and net surfers who can’t stomach one more nasty blog or negative news story about their faith and church, the resolve of those who first received 1 Peter was tried. Various people were pulled in a variety of directions:

1. Some were enticed by the liberal route of compromise to not eliminate their Bible as much as edit it. They wanted to cut out—or at least explain away—the parts of the Bible that they were being criticized for believing. In our day, this would be most typified by the mainline liberal Christian denominations with pastors who endorse all religions and spiritualities and officiate marriages between any genders, under the oversight of unsaved bishops who appreciate their tolerance, pluralism, and minds so open that their brains fall out. This is one of the central issues at the heart of 2 Peter.
2. Some were compelled to privatize their faith. Sure, in private they would pray to and worship Jesus. But in public they would shut their mouths and keep their faith to themselves so as to not be considered the weirdo for Jesus. Some were closet Christians.
3. Some were considering abandoning their faith altogether. They were tired of being the butt of jokes in the press and on the late-night talk shows and wearied of being the laughingstock Jesus Freaks. Why? Because most people simply do not like being the oddball, misfit, and outcast—especially those who are young and want to be cool and those who are old with privileged social positions to uphold and lifestyles to fund. Our day is like theirs. Carrying a Bible around is about as socially acceptable as walking around with your underwear outside your pants.
4. Still others were attracted to the fighting posture of religious fundamentalism. They were preparing to separate from the culture, set up their own subculture, defend themselves, and talk trash about the non- Christians who were criticizing them, all in the name of a culture war. In the fight or flight cycle, these are the fighters who declare Jihad for Jesus.

If any of these four options were chosen by the churches Peter writes to, it would have simply died in one way or another. The work of Jesus would have stopped in that region and so Peter had to help them navigate living their faith in a hostile culture. So, Peter opens by calling Christians “elect exiles”. Elect meant they were chosen by God. Exiles meant they were far away from their Heavenly Home.

Sent as missionaries, although hated by the culture, they were to bring the culture of Heaven to lost people in hopes that love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness would see people saved and culture changed. Our mission and message remain the same. Peter’s constant message through 1 Peter is that Christians should expect to get treated like Christ, and by the power of the Holy Spirit respond with the loving humble courage of Christ so that they see Christ through us without us getting in the way.

 

[RiverOL]

Want Some Courage?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus—Philippians 3:14​

In some respects, we know the men we’d like to become. For one, we’d like to be courageous for God, not simply surviving these lives, but living boldly in them. Well, we absolutely can (Romans 8:31-39). The thing is . . . it’s hard. We’re easily distracted—by our drives for achievement and advancement and accumulation. And we’re easily made afraid—that we’ll be embarrassed if we act boldly for God; that we’re not qualified to stand with him; or just that we’ve never done it before and don’t know how to start. Yes, it’s difficult becoming courageous and, actually, it’s meant to be. God didn’t create two types of men—some cowardly and some courageous. No, he leaves the cowardice/courage decisions to us. That said, we cannot simply choose for courage and instantly become courageous any more than we can instantly become . . . say . . . orators or outdoorsmen. If we want to become either of those, we must practice. We must start small and fail and succeed; we must work and learn. So it is with courage. We become courageous men by practicing courage, by accumulating experiences, small at first, of actually being courageous. So, there are two types of men, but it’s those willing to practice and those not, resigned instead to lives of safety. The good news, brother, is that becoming the former doesn’t require an inordinate amount of time or a major lifestyle change. It just takes a bit of resolve.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Practice. Do something. Don’t overreach (and set yourself up for failure); but don’t reach too short either (and render your efforts pointless). Choose in the middle—something intimidating, but not overly. Here are some suggestions: face a phobia; spend time with someone the rest of the world avoids; serve in a way you’ve never served before.

 

[RiverOL]

The Evolution of Romance: Spark to Commitment​

There are two kinds of things we are talking about when we use the word “romance”. And since definitions matter, we need to differentiate between what we mean here.
Most often, we are talking about the warm, fuzzy feeling of newness. You’ll see a lot of blogs about how to keep the romance alive. It fades because it isn’t new forever. And we’ll talk about that more.


The other kind of romance is a truer definition. It is one based on affection. It starts out with the warm, fuzzy newness. But the warm, fuzzy newness does not contain it. And as the relationship grows, so does the romance (or, it can, if we are intentional about it).

Fuzzy​

It is interesting that this word can mean both “soft” and “unclear” – because those are both good ways to describe the initial spark of being in love. It kind of slaps us upside the head, in the best way possible. Head over heels. It is a dizzying and exciting type of emotion.
We use this idea of romanticism in all kinds of things (not just relationships). Starting a new job or going on an adventure are “romantic” ideas. It is simply that the endeavor is new that elicits these emotions. It is the mystery, the hope, the excitement of what might be. Which, by the way, is not really indicative of what is. It is our expectations floating and twirling.

Your fuzzy feelings are awesome, but not sustainable. You’d never get any work done and make yourself sick. It’s fun in the beginning, but the reality is we cannot keep this kind of romance alive. This kind of romance is temporary. If we try to hold our relationship to it for too long, we will sabotage what otherwise might be a great thing.

People always lament the end of romance within relationships. It is why we bail. Why we break up and fight. It is not that the spark is gone that is the problem; it is that we are fighting to reignite a spark when a flame is already in progress.
Your relationship does not need the old kind of romance. It doesn’t need to be new again. In fact, it can’t be. The only way to “keep romance alive” is to allow it to evolve alongside you.

The Evolution of Romance​

Consistency gets a bad wrap in relationships. It’s a bit boring. Yet, isn’t this exactly what we want deep down? The safety and security of commitment. Being known.
We spend most of our lives in “the ordinary”. And we summarily spend a good bit of time trying to escape normality. We want the rush of excitement. We want the miracle of newness. But even adventure gets boring eventually. Imagine if you woke up tomorrow and could walk on water. It would be thrilling and extraordinary tomorrow. But seventy years from now, it wouldn’t hold the same thrill. That’s hard to see today because we are focused on what tomorrow’s thrill would be like. The Israelites saw manna from Heaven. The disciples saw healings. For both, the awe gave way to a kind of normality.


When this happens, we have two choices. Lament or evolve. One of the reasons pursuing truth is so important is because it helps us figure out whether we should continue in a relationship or bail. Was the excitement fun for a time but it is now over? Or is it evolving into a new kind of romance?
When we were in the process of falling in love, the most striking thing about my (future) wife was how normal it felt to be around her. I don’t mean “Boring”. I mean “right”. Familiar. Consistent.

Romance is not meant to end. We are not meant to hold onto its superficial manifestation. Those butterflies at the beginning are a hint at the depths yet to come. When the butterflies have matured and flown the coup, it is something to be celebrated. They make way for choices, commitments, intentional affection. The day-to-day romance.

If our idea of romance doesn’t evolve with our relationship, we are going to hold on to unhealthy expectations. And how silly? To want the level one version when level fifty is in front of us. Anyone who thinks commitment is not as exciting as newness is not really paying attention. We need to awaken to the reality of romance within our relationships. And celebrate what is, rather than try to hold on to an obsolete and relatively immature version of what was.

 

[RiverOL]

6 Ways You May Unintentionally Disrespect Your Man​

Do you try to make your man feel loved, but it doesn’t seem to work? He doesn’t act like he loves you back. He’s distant and doesn’t want to spend time with you.
Have you ever considered your man’s behavior towards you as “feedback?” And his “feedback” is telling you he doesn’t appreciate your love. How can you make him feel loved?

He may be responding to you because of the way he thinks you’re treating him.
What makes you feel loved and what makes him feel loved are different.

If you treat him in ways he perceives as loving, you get positive feedback. He talks to you. He wants to spend time with you. He wants to do nice things for you.

If you’re getting negative feedback, you may need to re-evaluate​

If you treat him in ways he perceives as unloving, you’ll get negative feedback.
He’d rather watch TV than spend time with you. He works late or stays out with his friends. He avoids you.
What does a man perceive as unloving or bad?

Disrespect.
When your man feels disrespected, he feels unloved.
He may respond defensively. Or in anger. If he feels that way often enough, eventually he’ll begin to pull away from you.
If your husband would rather do almost anything other than hang out with you, he could feel disrespected. And you might not even know.
Respect is like oxygen to men. They need it to thrive.

Are you thinking, “I don’t disrespect my husband, but he acts like a creep“?
You may be disrespecting him without realizing it.
Early in my marriage, my disrespectful behavior came across in the form of “help.” I’d ask him to do something then tell him how to do it. I’d tell him ways that could be easier or more efficient.

To him that translated as: You don’t know what you’re doing.
Sometimes disrespect isn’t always obvious to women.

6 Ways You May Be Communicating Disrespect​

Here are a few ways you could be communicating disrespect:

• Offer help or a better way of doing something
• Undermine his decisions
• Instruct him how to do something you’ve asked him to do
• Fail to acknowledge him when he comes home from work
• Mother him
• Make him feel stupid by challenging his decisions

The next time your husband responds to you in a way you don’t like, consider it feedback. Ask yourself if you could’ve disrespected him unintentionally.
When you respect your husband, he’ll almost always respond in a loving way. Any man met with constant disrespect will either emotionally shut down in a relationship or seek respect somewhere else.

 

[RiverOL]

Quit Multi-tasking Your Marriage​

MULTITASKING. Some of us “multitaskers” where the title like a badge of honor. It’s, more or less, become a requirement to stay ahead of the game in our fast-paced world. Being a multitasker seems like a good thing, right? It can be…but not when it comes to our marriage and family.


I recently wrote an article on “phubbing“– a new word for snubbing someone right in front of you, because you are on your cellphone. After I posted this blog, I received numerous messages from both husbands and wives stating that phubbing is a huge problem in their marriage because it keeps them distracted and disconnected–utterly unable to have a coherent and productive conversation. This got me thinking–

Why are we so easily distracted by our cellphones and other devices in the first place?
I think one of the reasons is our affinity for multitasking. Many of us have been primed for this since we were little.
Oprah Winfrey even did a whole show about it decades ago. It was the big, new thing to do back in the day. But, now, it’s simply how most of us do life–and we’re overbooked, overwhelmed, and well, exhausted.

Multitasking is no longer just a noun–it’s a verb. We multitask our way through life. We try to do too many things at once to that point that essentially NOTHING we accomplish is well-done. And, many of us repeat this cycle day after day.
We feel so normal doing multiple tasks at one time, don’t we? This is harmless enough when we are simply doing tasks, but in this day and age, many of us–including myself–have fallen into the bad habit of multitasking our relationships…including our marriage.
This is a terrible trap to fall into for the following reasons:

1. Our spouse is not a task; therefore, we shouldn’t treat him/her that way. I can’t look at my relationship with my spouse as another thing on my “to-do list”. Why? Because it will affect the way I treat my spouse. When we have a task on a list, we try to check it off and be done with it, so we can move on to the many other tasks we have for the day. Marriage doesn’t work that way. Relationships don’t work that way. Our marriage must come before anything on our list of tasks. Otherwise, we can fall into a business kind of relationship where we are more like roommates rather than lovers and best friends. This kind of marriage dynamic ultimately leads to a loveless marriage and even divorce. Therefore, we must refrain from seeing our spouse as another task to check off of our list.
2. When we multitask our marriage, we never give our spouse our best attention. Like I said before, multitasking can be a good thing when we’re talking about folding the laundry while making dinner. That works and ultimately saves you time. But, our spouse and family deserve our undivided attention. And, this is so hard sometimes. It’s easy to feel the pressure of work phone calls we need to make or emails that need our response. Many of us feel like we need to constantly check our social media all the time in order to connect with our friends or followers on our page. No matter how important these things seem to be, we must be willing to turn off the devices, look into our spouse’s eyes, and offer our time and attention. When we don’t, we make our spouse feel like he/she isn’t important. When a spouse feels unimportant, communication slowly breaks down, and the marriage suffers greatly. We must stop doing this. Our spouse deserves our very best attention–not our distracted, left-overs.

Dear Reader, I don’t see anything wrong with having a phone conversation with your spouse while traveling for work or calling him/her while working out. Those acts often enhance our marriage because we are able to have a focused conversation. But, these can’t be the only kind of conversations we are having with our spouse. Nothing replaces face-to-face, undistracted, uninterrupted communication. And, I know that in many cases…crazy work schedules, raising kids, community obligations, etc…this is very hard to come by naturally. Therefore, we must fight for it. We must prioritize it, and make it happen. Our marriage and family will be much stronger because of it, and they are more than worth the effort.

 

[RiverOL]

Rewire: A True Story About Life’s Whys​

Why me? Why this? Why now?
They’re questions we all ask at one time or another. Grief, job struggles, health issues, shattered dreams–-whys arise from different places. Could it be that if we rewire our thinking about the whys, we’ll find not just pat answers, but a glimpse into the blessing God longs to bring in the challenge?

Join Kate on her journey through a traumatic brain injury where her brain literally rewired and relearned basic functions at the same time as she walked through other grief and whys. Kate shares both the Scriptural truths that helped her, and her struggles of embracing them in the dark times. You’ll leave encouraged that God has an eternal plan, not just one centered around our temporal happiness.

You’ll also be encouraged to live in joy and peace, not in chronic worry and overload. Kate’s injured brain showed her how often she worried–and the incredible freedom of letting the worries go and walking in joy and peace instead. Her brain also forced her to discover the joys of having a more balanced schedule and of not filling every minute.

You’ll also get a glimpse into how God wired your brain. As you walk through the recovery process with Kate, you’ll get a first-hand glimpse into how amazingly God designed our brain.

You’ll also see a story of God completing the impossible. You may know Kate as the author of the Principles math series. You may not know, however, that Kate experienced a traumatic brain injury that left her struggling to remember multiplication facts when she was trying to complete the first book. She had to depend on God to provide the brain power to complete what He’d called her to do–and He did, but in His time and way.

PS : Book is available on Amazon.

 

[RiverOL]

A First-Hand Account of Persecuted Believers in Nigeria: “Everybody Lives in Fear All the Time, Day or Night”​

About forty years ago, my Nigerian friend Samuel Kunhiyop and I were talking in my living room. We discovered we were the same age. After he shared what a privilege it was to be attending seminary in our country, I said, “I love my country, but it really surprises me that you have such a great appreciation for it. So many countries, even those we’ve helped, are anti-American. But a number of Nigerians were bought or stolen and shipped to America and sold as slaves, weren’t they? With all the countries that resent us without good reason, I’d think you of all people would despise us. Can you tell me why you don’t?”

I’ll never forget the chills I felt hearing Samuel’s measured response, spoken slowly with his rich accent: “No matter what else you did, you brought us the gospel…and that is all that matters.” Two generations earlier, a wave of missionaries sent by American churches had gone to Africa and won his village, including his parents, to Christ. As a result, while I was growing up in a non-Christian home in America, my friend Sam was being raised in a Christian home in Nigeria.

Yes, I believe that other things matter besides preaching the gospel—among them character, integrity, and biblical social justice. But Samuel was saying the same thing the apostle Paul said—that the gospel is more important than anything else.

Sadly, today, many of our Nigerian brothers and sisters in Christ are being severely persecuted and oppressed. Samuel, a brother I dearly love and trust, recently sent a letter, sharing how he visited two camps for displaced persons in Southern Kaduna in Nigeria, where he was born and raised. He wrote, “What I saw really shocked me beyond what words can describe.”
Southern Kaduna is predominantly Christian, and believers have been persecuted there for years. Samuel explained:

Now that we have a Muslim President, the Muslims, especially the Fulanis who belong to the same ethnic group, use this time that their own man is in office to attack, assault, kidnap, rape women, and destroy property. They are often well armed with sophisticated weapons such as AK47s and pickup trucks. There are similar attacks in other parts of the country.

One of the camps Samuel visited was a children’s primary school in Zonkwa:

I saw women, children, and few men—about 3,000. The reason for the few men is that the men usually go back to take care of their farms during the day as they all come from farming communities. When the attacks started about a month ago, the gunmen in pickups with AK47s usually will arrive the villages between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. and shoot and kill at sight. They will also burn and destroy houses and farms. This is the farming season in Northern Nigeria.
According to the records, five villages were completely destroyed, leaving behind displaced families. In this camp alone, three pregnant women have given birth to their babies and sleep with other family members that are also displaced. They sleep on mattresses on the floor in classrooms. I would say that about 50 adults and children stay and sleep in one classroom. They have one central cooking area in the open and few makeshift places to bath and dress. They often meet in the church to have their worship to the Lord.

Samuel answered a series of questions:
What is the government doing to prevent these attacks?

Basically, the government is unable to provide security for the citizens not only in Southern Kaduna but all over the country. The few soldiers and police are ill-equipped and simply overwhelmed by the well-armed gun men. There is insecurity everywhere as bandits, kidnappers, armed bandits, militia, Fulani herdsmen, cattle rustlers, etc. are loose and freely ambush, kill, kidnap, and abduct innocent citizens at will.

Often people are kidnapped in their houses, highways, churches, schools, etc. and taken to a hideout and thousands of dollars as ransom demanded. A few weeks ago a high school owned by the Baptist Church was attacked at 2.00 a.m. and over one hundred students were abducted and ransom is being demanded. As I write this update, a few of them have been freed, a handful escaped, and about 87 are still held captive. Failure to pay often means death to the victims. In some instances, ransom is paid and still the victim is killed.
…Even the few military check points that are posted in some of these areas are not safe. A man was murdered by these heartless gunmen in the presence of the military post. …The night before I wrote this update, there was an attack on some villages about 15 minutes from my home and yet the security agencies (police and soldiers) could not do anything to prevent. One wonders if the government is not complicit.

Do we feel safe?

Not at all. Everybody lives in fear all the time, day or night, 24/7.

Is there hope?

Our only hope is God who is our shield and protector.

What can the world do?

In my mind, what is happening in Nigeria needs to be given urgent global attention. It is genocide and if the Nigerian government is not prosecuted, then something very wrong is happening. It is simply unacceptable in a civilized world like ours. The world cannot ignore or suspend immediate action on atrocities happening in the Nigeria. It is now or never.

What about the church worldwide?

Pray, pray, and act as God will lead.

Samuel described the need for foodstuff, mattresses/blankets, medicine, and roofing sheets for those that lost their houses.
If you would like to give to this cause you can donate to EPM’s persecuted church special fund. 100% of donations will be given to worthy organizations helping persecuted believers, including those in Nigeria. You can also give directly to a ministry our brother Samuel recommends, helping believers in Southern Kaduna, by mailing a check to BILD International, 2400 Oakwood Road Ames, IA 50014-8417. Please indicate that the money is meant for Southern Kaduna Support c/o of Dr. Samuel Waje Kunhiyop.

“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” (Matthew 5:10-12, ESV)

Here’s some ways to also be praying for our persecuted brothers and sisters in Afghanistan.

 

[RiverOL]

Dear brother, Do you ever feel like you can’t let anyone see when you’re struggling? When things are rough at work or tough at home? Or maybe when there isn’t enough money or something isn’t great with your health? If so, you’re not alone. This world of ours regards fear, pain, and hardship as simply bad—things to be avoided at all costs. It considers them as things to be denied or ignored or numbed. And it teaches us that we should never get real about our burdens. That would be unmanly, our world tells us. It would reveal weakness! So what do you do? Maybe you bottle up your pain and pretend it doesn’t exist. Maybe you hide, suffer alone, and tell people everything is fine when it just isn’t. Or maybe you simply give up and give in to the ways of the world. I’ve been there, too. And I know it’s a painful way to live. But God has called you and me to something better—much better! He calls us to let our guard down with Him and a few trusted friends. He calls us toward people who have the Spirit of Jesus in their hearts, because His rescue comes, and our strength grows, when we gather and get honest. This very biblical truth is what motivates us to pray for you night and day. It’s what drives us to create devotionals, write articles, and record podcast episodes that help you get closer to Jesus—and to one another. And we praise God for every reader and listener who finds more of the love and goodness of God and Godly community through WiRE for Men or Loop for Women or the Rush Podcast or FLAG Messages or Rapt Interviews. But the work we do is only possible because of friends like you who support us through prayer or financial donations. Each gift of support helps us reach more people with Jesus’ message of hope and help and love. That’s our mission! Will you consider supporting this mission by making a donation today? We get lots of messages from people who are experiencing Jesus’ love and healing through Gather Ministries, the nonprofit that brings you WiRE, Loop, Rush, FLAG, and Rapt. I’d love to share with you a note we recently received from Brian, a WiRE reader who started a men’s group and is seeing Jesus do great things through his brothers. He wrote:

Justin, I want to thank you and your wife for letting His Spirit work through you. About 3 years ago (and 2 years after God told me to), we opened our big garage to 2 other guys for a men’s Bible study group on Wednesday nights. Not only has the group grown exponentially, but I never thought men like the ones who are there regularly were even capable of admitting to the struggles of the day-to-day crap we carry. These guys are warriors in every sense—drugs, porn, infidelity, greed, pride… You name it, we’re fighting it. The majority of us submitted to His authority as adults after many years of collateral damage. None of us claim to be theologians, just hard heads trying to figure “it” out. Your WiRE devotionals seem to mirror our path, and it’s uncanny how most—and I mean most—apply and speak to our group. Last night was a first. My wife, Melissa, and I were out on an anniversary date, and the group met on their own. Judging by the accounts on our group text this morning, the meeting was really good. I’m honored and thankful that the Lord has chosen to work though us and that our brood is maturing. Thanks for unknowingly supporting us.

Brian’s story reminds me of Jesus’ promise in Matthew 11: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (ESV). We’re praying this verse over all of our readers and listeners—including you!