In step

[RiverOL]

Overcoming Obstacles and Finding Joy in Family Worship​

There are several things that Christian parents can do to promote spiritual growth and health in their children. Church attendance, catechizing, observing the Lord’s Day, spiritual conversations, loving discipline, and family worship – just to name a few. Raising godly children is not a mere suggestion but a command from God’s word. Moses says in Deuteronomy 6:4-9,

“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

Two things stand out in this text. First, God often uses the obedience of Christian parents as a means by which He will call the child to Himself. Notice who is called to be the primary teacher of spiritual things in the child’s life – “You!” [the parent]. Second, it shows us that the things of God are taught most effectively in the common setting of your daily routines – sitting in the house, traveling; the normal events of the morning and evening.

Almost every parent cares about physical provision for their child, yet many Christian parents are derelict concerning spiritual things. Friend, making sure your children are clothed and fed is only half of your job. What about seeing Christ formed in them? We are called to instruct our children in the way of salvation, discipline them, pray for them, challenge them to grow in godliness and to be growing in godliness ourselves.

Each of us has seen a new product on store shelves that have made us slap our foreheads and ask, “Why didn’t I think of that?” The reality is some of the most profound inventions on the planet are often some of the simplest. One of the simplest ways for us to be obedient to those Deuteronomy 6 principles is through regular and meaningful Family Worship.

What is Family Worship?​

The three primary components of Family Worship are singing, scripture reading, and prayer.
Singing – Perhaps the scariest aspect for the musically challenged, is also one of the most delightful for the entire family. Singing is a crucial part of both Family and Corporate Worship for praising God and helping us to remember biblical truth. Grab and old hymn book and sing a family favorite. Sing the Psalms (Download the 1650 Psalter App – it’s a wonderful tool!). Learn some children’s songs to sing with your little ones. My heart still bursts with joy every time my three-year-old sings, “What is our only hope in life and death? That we are not our own but belong to God!”

Scripture Reading – The heart of all Christian worship is God’s Word! Find a Bible reading plan and stick with it! Reading to your children even one chapter a day, six days per week, for three years will get you through the Bible! Memorize God’s Word together too! Pick a few simple verses, the 10 commandments, etc. and begin teaching them to your children.


Prayer – “Prayer is an offering up of our desires unto God, for things agreeable to His will, in the name of Christ, with confession of our sins, and thankful acknowledgment of his mercies” (Westminster Shorter Catechism A.98). Our prayers should reflect a healthy balance of adoration, confession, praise, and intercession for ourselves and our neighbors. Family worship is an opportunity to teach your children to pray!

Practical Considerations​

I have a confession. I am a Pastor and I didn’t successfully implement daily Family Worship in our home until the beginning of this year (2020). It wasn’t due to seeing these things as unimportant but rather a long list of excuses and difficulties that I had to be overcome. As I examine my past failures, I see that my past attempts had been squashed by time and timing.

How long should Family Worship Last? Brevity and consistency are your friends when seeking to keep your children engaged and ensure that your time together is profitable. Ten minutes, while the children are young, is perfectly acceptable. Naturally, as your children grow so will the length of time spent during family worship. Don’t kill family worship by trying to make it too long.


When should we do Family Worship? The most common times to hold Family Worship are morning/breakfast, Dinnertime, and bedtime. We tried multiple times to do evenings, each of which ended in frustration. My wife and I found that gathering at breakfast time has worked wonderfully for our family. There lies the secret – do what works best for your family.

Obstacles to Starting and Continuing Family Worship​

There is no shortage of obstacles to faithfully leading your family.
The Fact That You’ve Never Done This Before: New routines are hard to set and maintain. Your family may kick against this new idea – You’ll need grace, patience, and perseverance to get through this initial difficulty.

An Uncooperative Spouse or Children: maybe your spouse is critical toward this new plan or flat-out uncooperative. Your responsibility is to lovingly try to work them through their apprehensions and to pray for their heart to change. Maybe your spouse (particularly husbands) is just lazy. Do all that you can to help them find Bible passages, songs, and set up times to make Family Worship happen. Children less than thrilled? Explain to your child why you are doing what you are doing and again, keep it brief!


Crazy Schedule: We are busy people. If Family Worship is truly important then it needs to find prominence in our schedule. This may mean some radical changes need to take place. I had to change a four-year-old routine of leaving the house every morning for work at 5:30 AM so that I could be home with my girls to do family worship at breakfast.

Idealism: Dr. Ligon Duncan calls idealism the “primary enemy” of family worship. Too many of us have grand visions of sitting around the table fielding thought-provoking questions from our 3-year-old regarding supralapsarianism verses infralapsarianism, Singing the Psalms from memory in four-part harmony, and collectively dropping to our knees for 45 minutes of meaningful prayer. The problem is that it isn’t your family and likely won’t be your family. You are not called to be Jonathan Edwards, you are called to be a godly father/mother to your children. Don’t let your idealism kill your zeal. Meet your family where they are, pour yourself into them and they will thank you for it.

Conclusion​

Parents, we have an awesome responsibility to raise our families in godliness. The power of training has its primary place in the home. If you feel that you have been lacking in the area of family worship, now is the time to put your hand to the plow and not look back.


What are you waiting for?
Go right now and pick a song, pick a passage, grab some prayer requests. Set up a meeting time and get to leading your family in one of the simplest, yet most life-changing routines you could ever implement – for their good and God’s Glory!

 

[RiverOL]

What Is the Purpose of Preaching?​

What Is the Purpose of Preaching?

Over the past many years of life as a theologian I have heard numerous sermons. Some were in churches I attended as a member or regular attender. (One would not let me become a member because I had only “alien immersion” so I attended but never officially joined.) Some were in churches I visited. I have visited numerous churches over the years for various reasons. Often that was because I was invited to speak to an adult Sunday School class. Often I stayed for the worship service or attended it after the class session was finished. I have attended hundreds of chapel services in the universities where I have taught over almost forty years. I have watched and listened to hundreds of sermons online.


Recently I chose to watch and listen to the online worship service, including the sermon, of an evangelical “mainline” church. I don’t want to give any clues such that someone could guess what specific church it was because of what I’m about to say about it. The sermon sticks in my mind as somewhat emblematic of the problem I want to muse about here.

The music was fine as were all parts of the liturgy and worship service. The children’s sermon was very good. The choir “number” sung by choir members together but in their own homes (I assume they used some conferencing technology such as Zoom to record it in insert it into the online worship service) was very good. Scripture was read; prayers were prayed. Even an offering was taken—online! Then came the sermon by a very jovial pastor in a robe.

The sermon was topical using a passage from Ecclesiastes as the “jumping off” point. It was about how people need people. It was a subtle criticism of individualism. I kept waiting for him to quote or sing “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world” because not once did he mention Christ or the church or the gospel. Any pious psychologist could have delivered that sermon. It was an example of what I call “good advice” pretending to be a sermon.


*Sidebar: The opinions expressed here are my own (or those of the guest writer); I do not speak for any other person, group or organization; nor do I imply that the opinions expressed here reflect those of any other person, group or organization unless I say so specifically. Before commenting read the entire post and the “Note to commenters” at its end.*

Now don’t get me wrong. A very good sermon can include good advice, but my point is that a good sermon in a Christian church ought always to go beyond generic good advice to gospel. A sermon that never mentions Jesus Christ or the Holy Spirit or even the church cannot be a good Christian sermon. I have read many books saying what that preacher said. One was Bowling Alone by Robert Putnam (2000). Another was Habits of the Heart by Robert Bellah (1984). Both decried American individualism and argued that people need people—community—in order to flourish psychologically.

Again, don’t get me wrong. I’m not judging the pastor/preacher or the church by one sermon. In fact, I plan to visit that church as soon as it opens up again for safe attendance in the sanctuary for worship. All I am saying here is that this one sermon represented for me a trend I have noticed in even much evangelical preaching toward giving good advice without the gospel of Jesus Christ. I suppose I am partly agreeing here with my Calvinist friend Michael Horton’s book Christless Christianity (2008).


I could give numerous other examples of sermons I have heard that constituted good advice but not the gospel. Yes, true, the gospel is good advice, but it goes beyond what people think of as good advice to real good advice—repent and trust in Jesus Christ and dedicate your whole life in every part of it to him as Lord. Of course that can be said in hundreds of ways and not always that directly.

What I waited to here but never did, in that particular sermon, was something about communion with God through commitment to the community of God’s people the church—including setting aside selfish individualism and becoming accountable to the church. Instead the pastor talked about getting to know neighbors (with no mention of witnessing to them) and going out of one’s way to spend time with friends: “This week pick up the phone and call an old friend and renew a lost friendship.” (That’s my paraphrase of one of his suggestions.)

So what is the true purpose of preaching? John Wesley said it best. It is to afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted. Martin Luther said it is to present to hearers both “law” and “gospel”—you should but you can’t (by yourself) obey God completely. I say, in addition, not in contradiction, it is to present the gospel of Jesus Christ to a congregation and, usually, apply it to their lives.


Above all, I want to say, it must go beyond generic good advice in order to be a good Christian sermon. Unfortunately, in my experience, many even evangelical sermons are what I would call “good advice” more than and even often in place of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
So, to pastor-preachers I suggest this strategy and habit. Always ask yourself after you have written your sermon (or composed it in your mind) whether it is just good advice or includes the message of the gospel of Jesus Christ that both convicts and comforts.

 

[RiverOL]

Must a Christian Forgive Unconditionally?​

Must a Christian Forgive Unconditionally?

This is a question many Christians (setting aside others in order to focus on people who claim to be followers of Jesus Christ) forgive others unconditionally?
This is a question that has haunted Christian ethics for ages and different Christian ethicists have offered opposite answers.


To make the question “come alive,” here is a (possibly) hypothetical scenario (but one that many Christians have faced in specific ways):
One Christian leader, highly regarded as having integrity, commits an egregious act of dishonesty to harm another Christian’s reputation. He knowingly lies and spreads the lie. The victim of the Christian leader refutes the lie and asks him to retract it and apologize. The perpetrator of the blatant lie declines to retract it or apologize—even after being asked directly twice.

The lying Christian leader goes on to become one of the best-known and most highly regarded Christian ethicists. He is publicly hailed as a “man of great integrity.” The victim of his lie watches and waits, occasionally reminding him of his perfidy, but he never hears back.

One day the lying Christian leader, now famous due to even secular media attention, comes to speak at an institution where his victim works. The victim, a devout Christian, asks the man’s handlers to set up a one-on-one meeting so that the two can work things out. He gets no response.
*Sidebar: The opinions expressed here are my own (or those of the guest writer); I do not speak for any other person, group or organization; nor do I imply that the opinions expressed here reflect those of any other person, group or organization unless I say so specifically. Before commenting read the entire post and the “Note to commenters” at its end.*


Here is the question that bedevils not only this hypothetical scenario but many others, including real, similar situations: Must the Christian victim of the famous Christian leader’s public lying forgive him unconditionally?
Some years ago I read and heard speak two opposite answers from two very influential and highly regarded Christian ethicists. Both taught at the same evangelical seminary! Both had written influential books on forgiveness. I met both and put the same question to them—separately.

One insisted that it is always the Christian’s duty to forgive others unconditionally. The other one insisted that it is not necessarily the Christian’s duty to forgive unconditionally. The second one argued that forgiveness can be made contingent on the perpetrator acknowledging the wrong and asking for forgiveness. After all, he said, God does not forgive unconditionally.

Or does he? The first Christian ethicist pointed out that Jesus, on the cross, asked God the Father to forgive those who were crucifying him—unconditionally. The second Christian ethicist pointed out that Jesus did not offer all of humanity, sinners all, unconditional forgiveness. That would mean universal salvation—technically, at least, a heresy in Christian tradition. Paul did not forgive Barnabas but rejected his companionship. In the Great Judgment Christ will not forgive all unconditionally.


This is a great dilemma and one that has so consumed Christian ethicists’ attention that they have, for the most part, given up trying to answer it. Does it even have an answer? One would hope so!

My own opinion, tentative and open to correction, is that in the (possibly) hypothetical situation described above, the victim need not forgive the perpetrator unless he acknowledges the wrong done—not only to the one victim but almost certainly to others as well—and asks forgiveness.
However, if the perpetrator of the lie(s) does acknowledge the wrong done and asks for forgiveness, it is the victim’s Christian duty to offer forgiveness fully and freely without requiring anything else.

I will raise one other, related question. In the (possibly) hypothetical scenario (or scenarios like it), would the victim of the lie be justified in exposing the now famous Christian ethicist’s perfidy? Imagine he, the victim, has the proof and knows that the lying ethicist cannot defend his earlier lie. And he has never acknowledged it or apologized for it. People now think the liar is a man of great integrity—as he may be (assuming he has changed).

 

[RiverOL]

Asking For Help Stinks!​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble—James 4:6​

So, carrying burdens is something for which we are built . . . and something which we are supposed to do, as men. God designed us, built us, intends us—to lend our strength to others, to those who need it. “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). The problem is, most of us read Scripture one way only: that we are to carry burdens for others. Few read it the other way: that we must allow others to carry our burdens too. We don’t really like that reading. That reading causes our pride to rise up. Like it or not, though, any one of us can carry only so much. Sure, we can “gut it out” with burdens that are too heavy . . . for a while, at least. Before long, however, they begin to grind us down. Anger, anxiety, burnout, depression and despondency, isolation and loneliness, or rebellion and sin emerge . . . simply because we’re neither designed, nor built, nor intended to carry our burdens alone. “One's pride will bring him low” (Proverbs 29:23).

Okay, so what do we do?​ Is there something you’re carrying that’s feeling too heavy? The burden of being a provider? Fears about finances . . . about work? The burden of children living up to expectations, in school, in athletics? A hidden sin? A hidden addiction? Another burden, perhaps? If so, look around for that person with whom God intends you to share it . . . your friend, your wife. Go to them today. Die to pride. Let them in. Explain the situation and let them respond. Fulfilling the law of Christ also means that we must, sometimes, surrender our pride, surrender the images we have of ourselves, get over ourselves, and ask for help. We are meant to live free and fast and light . . . and together.

 

[RiverOL]

The Importance of Positive Reinforcement in Your Relationship​

During our couples counseling sessions, Kylie, 48, complains about Justin’s, 50, lack of love and attention. She feels like they are roommates and that he rarely gives her praise for being a loving and supportive wife. Likewise, Justin, feels neglected by Kylie at times because she “shuts down” when she feels annoyed or hurt. This creates a vicious cycle of withdrawal and frustration. When this happens, neither one of them is getting their needs met.

Kylie puts it like this: “I know Justin loves me and I want our marriage to work but it seems like he looks for me to make a mistake or criticizes me more that gives me praise for all of the good things I do like cooking his meals and making sure our home is clean.”
In a recent article for the website Your Tango, writer Valerie Greene unpacks the importance of recognizing and reinforcing the positive qualities of your partner. Greene’s philosophy is simple: “What you appreciate appreciates.”


In other words, the often difficult undertaking of finding a compatible partner is helped by looking for the positive qualities in the other person, rather than focusing on their negative traits and behaviors. The more you are able to identify and consistently notice the positive, the more the positive will appear.
This principle is equally important when trying to find a mate who is a perfect match and when fostering an existing relationship. Greene’s approach requires mindfulness and applying an analytical eye to the overtly emotional dynamics of a relationship.

First, Greene advises readers to “look within,” identifying, developing and working to maintain your own positive qualities and behavior. In doing so, you’ll be able to support the same positive traits and actions in your partner.
Once you’ve worked on yourself and sharpened the skill of accentuating the positive rather than only noticing the negative, Greene suggests that mindfulness is the key to maintaining this healthy balance. And that mindfulness can become a practice — as Greene counsels, it may help to make a list. The act of writing down the rights and wrongs that you see in yourself and in your partner will help your relationship flourish.


Next, Greene offers that “flip[ping] your negatives into positives” will go a long way toward seeing the best in your romantic life. For example, rather than describing your mate as “not rude,” internalize that they are in fact “polite.” Another example Greene offers is understanding your partner’s listening skills in a positive frame — rather than noticing that they “don’t interrupt,” come to see them as waiting “for you to speak.”

The practice of creating a list and purposely framing qualities in a positive light will give you “time to reflect and let your subconscious figure out what you truly want.” Ultimately, as with an methodical approach to mindfulness, the very commitment to the practice is part of making good on a self-fulfilling prophesy. Know what you want. Notice what you want when you see it. And, in the end, you will see more of the wonderfully and positive things that will make you and your partner happy.

 

[RiverOL]

This is Why a Dad’s Discipline is Important​

I still don’t know what possessed me to sneak out of my house in the middle of the night to meet my boyfriend* when I was 16 years old. I was met with a consequence, which solidified why dads are important.
My dad was the original Terminator. He was a 30-year Korean and Vietnam War vet. He and my mom ran a tight ship.


He believed in discipline, and he was not afraid to use it.
So sneaking out in the middle of the night was madness. Unadulterated hormonal insanity. If I got caught, I was dead meat. (As we said in those days.) Dad was “the law” in our house. All of it. The judge, the jury and the jailer. He imposed tough sentences. I believe that made him a great dad.

One role of a father is disciplinarian​

Good dads discipline their children. I’m thankful my father disciplined me.
The role of a strong father appears to be diminishing in our culture.
Responsible discipline isn’t cruel. It’s about teaching lessons, setting limits and learning to respect authority.

Fathers successfully launch their children into adulthood. A disciplined child respects authority and contributes to society.
I didn’t like it, but my dad held me accountable for my behavior. He taught me personal responsibility. As a result, I’m a better wife, mother, employee, citizen and friend.
I think it’s safe to say we had a healthy fear of our father. We didn’t want to make him angry. We certainly didn’t want to disappoint him. More importantly, his discipline solidified his authority in our minds.


Back in the day, no one would have raised an eyebrow at his methods because discipline was not unusual. It was expected.
Parenting today is tough. We’ve all heard stories of parents who were reported to government authorities for taking away a cell phone or a car.
We’ve also seen cases where parents have gone too far in disciplining children and someone’s had to step in.
Ultimately, we want our kids to obey us because they love and respect us.

As a kid, I trusted my dad knew best. No one in their right mind (in my house anyway) dared swear, sass a teacher, or disregard authority.
And, sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night? You had to be nuts.
Which is why I was with my boyfriend for about two and a half minutes before I came to my senses and headed home. (He was scared of my dad, too.) In my momentary absence, my father –reliable and watchful—had gotten up to check the locks and discovered I was truant.

I was gone 12 minutes tops, but when I tried to get back into my house, the door was locked and I didn’t have a key.
After several minutes of lightly rapping on the window to wake my little sister, I heard the front door unlatch. Imagine my surprise when I tip-toed into the dark house, expecting to see my sister, but was met by my dad instead.
He looked at me with a mixture of disappointment and controlled rage and pointed towards my room, which meant go to bed.

As I slithered past him, I began negotiating my consequences by suggesting he not share the information with Mom. (I was in no position to negotiate, but I was in self-preservation mode.)
My dad didn’t rat me out to my mom, which was unusual. Maybe he thought I had temporarily lost my mind. Maybe he knew if he’d told my mom she really would’ve killed me.
In fact, he didn’t tell my mom this story until after I was married with three kids. Maybe he was playing it safe for my sake, making sure the statute of limitations had run out on parental prosecution of teenage offenses.
Today, all eight of my siblings are contributing members of society.

• Three of us have Master’s Degrees.
• Five of us have healthy marriages. (Three aren’t married.)
• None of us has ever been involved with the criminal justice system, which, unfortunately, is a rarity in the black community.

I was gone less than 15 minutes that night, but I still faced consequences. I’m not talking about physical consequences. I’m talking about consequences which have a lasting effect on a teenager–extra chores, no outings with friends, football games. The most painful consequence was disappointing my dad.
Through discipline, he taught me about mercy and justice. His presence represented security. In additional to being a disciplinarian and protector, he eventually became one of my best friends.
Seasoned with the perfect amount of toughness and compassion, he loved me fiercely.
Through discipline, he taught me how to appreciate authority, live responsibly and re-think poor choices like sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night.
*My boyfriend is now my husband.

 

[RiverOL]

When the Enemy is Attacking Your Marriage​

Today we are sharing a guest blog from Ashley Willis while Shaunti is in this season of cancer treatments. Enjoy!

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When the Enemy is Attacking Your Marriage
By Ashley Willis
The enemy comes when our defenses are down and would love nothing more than to break up our marriage and family.


Every marriage goes through ups and downs. That’s precisely why we say vows like “…for better or for worse…”. We relish in the good days, but what are we supposed to do we do when we feel stuck in a prolonged “for worse” season—when we feel like we are trying our best, but our circumstances and feelings seem to keep getting in the way of our progress? I believe these are moments when the enemy likes to attack our marriage the most. He comes on strong when our defenses are down, and we are exhausted and dismayed. Make no mistake that he is out to get us. Satan is a thief who only comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10), and he would love nothing more than to break up our marriage and family.

None of us are immune to hardship in life, but every one of us has the power to choose how we react to it. It’s easy to be a good husband or wife when things seem to be going well, but what about when things get hard? How should we handle a cancer diagnosis, the death of a loved one, financial hardship, job issues, moving, bad decisions, and other crises? What are we supposed to do when we are under attack? How do we fight against the enemy?

As a married couple, we should be each other’s number one partner, advocate, cheerleader, prayer warrior, and friend. But, when life throws us something more than we can bear, we sometimes feel like giving up. We become emotional recluses and shut each other out. We stop talking and go through the motions.
WE. CHECK. OUT.

We tell ourselves that our circumstances and our marriage will never get better, and we fail to see the good that is just beyond the trials we are experiencing. We start to believe the lies from the enemy. Lies like:
“You’re doomed. This marriage is never going to work.”
“Things will never get better. Give up already!”
“You both are too damaged. Not even God Himself can pick up these pieces.”

“You married the wrong person. It just wasn’t meant to be.”
Don’t believe those lies! You and your spouse can get through this season. When you choose to reconnect with your spouse and check back into your marriage, your marriage will become even stronger. Choose to fight for each other, not against one another. We serve a God who still brings dead things to life, and that includes a worn-out, lifeless marriage (Romans 4:17). Our Father can bring healing to our mess. He can breathe new life into our relationship and make it more beautiful, more life-giving, more intimate, and more trusting than we ever thought possible (Isaiah 61:3). But, we can’t lay back and let the enemy continue to attack us. WE. MUST. FIGHT. BACK. Here’s how:

1. Keep talking to one another.

May integrity and honesty protect me, for I put my hope in you. Psalm 25:21
Daily communication is a must. We can’t expect our relationship to get out of a rut if we don’t tell our spouse how we genuinely feel and listen when they share their feelings as well. We must refuse to shut down, even when every part of us wants to. Instead of retreating, we need to sit down and talk to one another about everything, including daily musings, kids, work, hopes, dreams, fears, frustrations, etc. We must do this to stay connected, get back on the same page, and build trust.

1. Be the change you’d like to see in your spouse.

And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness. James 3:18
It certainly takes two to make a marriage work. But, when a marriage is stuck in a rut or being attacked, someone has to make the first move toward healing. Instead of just expecting our spouse to change or take the first step in mending our relationship, we need to initiate. If we desire better communication, then we need to initiate conversation.

If we want more romance, then we should begin flirting with our spouse. If we want more date nights, then we should plan a date. Our efforts will show our spouse how much we are committed to the marriage and put our marriage on the right track.
It’s important that we do these things out of love and commitment but not expecting our spouse to do something in return. If not, we might fall into a “tit-for-tat trap” that will only leave both of us angry and disappointed. When we reach out to our spouse with unconditional love and a genuine desire to strengthen our marriage, they will feel free to open up as well. When both partners approach one another with open hearts, the marriage will begin to heal.

1. Pray for your spouse.

Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer or withdraw His unfailing love from me. Psalm 66:20
Prayer is the greatest weapon we have against the enemy’s attacks. It puts our mind and heart in right-standing with the Lord and softens our hardened heart towards our spouse. When we are mad at our spouse and frustrated with our marriage, the root emotion we are experiencing is disappointment. We are disappointed that our marriage isn’t a fairytale. Instead of dwelling on what we don’t like about our spouse or marriage, let’s pray for them.

Ask God to bless them and bring us closer together. We can pray on our own AND together. It’s amazing how God will soften our hearts toward each other when we specifically pray for one another. This is also an excellent example of unconditional love and humility—two must-have attributes in a strong marriage. Prayer is also our lifeline when we are facing hard circumstances that are out of our control. We don’t need to try and carry this burden alone. God wants us to lay it at his feet, and we do this by praying. When we surrender our burdens to Him and ask Him to fill us with His strength and wisdom, He will.

1. Spend more time together.

And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another. Hebrews 10:25a
As I mentioned before, we tend to “check out” when things get uncomfortable or difficult. Instead of finding reasons to be away from our spouse, we need to spend more time together. Put the kids to bed earlier and talk. Go for a nightly walk after dinner. Meet up for lunch regularly during the workweek. We have to be intentional and make time for one another if we want to foster a stronger marriage.

1. Cling to the Lord’s promises and be patient with the process of healing.

The Lord’s promises are pure, like silver refined in a furnace, purified seven times over. Psalm 12:6
Never forget that God wants good things for you and your spouse. He wants you both to heal and have a thriving marriage. Don’t allow yourselves to get discouraged. Cling to God’s promises in His Word by reading the Bible daily.
We don’t get into a marriage rut overnight, so we can’t expect to see a drastic reconnection after one day of trying. It takes baby steps — one day at a time. The main thing we need to remember is we must refuse to give up on one another. We are choosing to face this “for worse” season TOGETHER…helping each other…leaning on one another…every single day.


In time, we will see and feel the reconnection and experience His healing, but more than anything, God will show us how we are stronger together. He will bless us as we honor our marriage vows, and we will have an amazing testimony of endurance, commitment, and love that will inspire those around us—especially our own family.

 

[RiverOL]

The Allure of Self-Sacrifice​

There are few things as fascinating as the reality of self-sacrifice. Most of our movies, political speeches, and internal narratives celebrate some element of one’s ability to lose personally for the sake of the greater good.
It is a pretty crazy thing, when we stop to think about it. Each of us is created with just one person to steward (ourselves, if that is not clear). We have a life to protect, a mind to feed, and emotions to foster. It is a full-time, inescapable task to try to care for our own personhood. As if to accentuate this point, we have centuries and millennia of instinct and conditioning. A survival instinct.



And yet, under certain conditions, we are willing to throw it all away.
Not only that, we actually honor the idea. It might make sense, being people who thrive in community, if there were some sort of reaction that caused us to step in front of buses to save others or give up our seat when we see someone in physical pain. But these sorts of things are not just occasional reactions to an overwhelming attempt to care for others. It is something we dream about – I have often gone to bed actually fantasizing about giving my life to save a loved one. We sometimes plan to self-sacrifice. Many make it a habit, a way of life. Some will do it to such a degree they completely lose a sense of their own self!

A Cultural Phenomena​

Culture is a consensus among participants in a group about what is honored and what is shamed. As much as our instincts predispose us to self-preservation, almost every culture honors the idea of self-sacrifice.


The fact is we thrive in communities. Life is about each individual participating in a greater good. And sometimes that comes at a cost. The community itself is more valuable than the individual. And even the individual agrees with this.
Therefore. We get a cultural phenomena in which we celebrate the self-sacrificial acts of community participants. We honor members of the military, bestow the title of hero on any Good Samaritan that steps in to interrupt injustice at the cost of his/her own life.

Even so, each member of the community is not beholden to this cultural norm. We do not have to conform to what the culture honors. Indeed, there are many ways in which we don’t; counter-cultural movements wherein we try to reframe what is honored and what is shamed.

My Best Interest​

Here is the great paradox of being human – we always (and I mean always) pursue what we perceive to be in our best self-interest and, somehow, that self-interest includes self-sacrifice.


It seems like an oxymoron. If we are to always pursue what is best for us, how does sacrifice ever serve our own good? Shouldn’t we always fight to preserve our safety and well-being?
Within each of us, we know there is a point at which the cost of our own well-being is not worth it. What an extraordinary discovery. We are so predisposed to community that we ourselves feel as though sacrificing for them is one of the greatest, most self-serving things we can do with our lives.

The allure of self-sacrifice is the transcendent joy of serving something bigger than ourselves. Loving a community is a greater desire than holding on to every superficial manifestation of self-preservation.

There are obviously dangers in swinging too hard in this direction. As I mentioned earlier, people look to sacrifice so much they forget who they are and lean into sacrificing themselves when it is neither good for the community or their own best interest. But, by and large, this propensity to serve the community is an incredible good. A beautiful thing about being human. There is as much danger in ignoring or silencing it as there is in over-indulging it.
Taking the allure of self-sacrifice in proper measure, for its true value, and for what it is worth is one of the great celebrations of what it means to be human.

 

[RiverOL]

7 Lessons I Want My Kids to Learn From Watching My Marriage​

Have you ever wondered, “What are my kids learning from watching my marriage?”
The answer to that question is a lot.
A child’s perception of marriage will most likely be what you show them through your own marriage. I can show them a good example or a bad one. I don’t always do the best job.

I was reminded of what they learn by watching my marriage one morning when my two middle kids started arguing. They rarely fight. It was a minor issue of whether they should leave the lights on or off.
No biggie. I thought it’d peter out, but an hour later my daughter asked if she could delete her brother’s number from her phone.

Why?
He’d sent her the same text message 40 times.
It said:

I was AFRAID you didn’t have the ability to be a total worthless drama queen who has to have the universe tailored exactly as you wish. You are the worst thing to happen to this family since. . . well. . . ever. I hate your freaking atoms with every fiber of my being.

Download​

“How to Be a Wife No Man Will Ever Want to Leave” Challenge​

Whaaaa?
“Why on earth would you talk to your little sister like that?” I said. I was shocked, angry and appalled.

Then I remembered…​

I grimaced as I remembered an exchange I’d had with my husband earlier that morning when (I thought) they were asleep.
My husband had been traveling the five days prior. He’d worked late the three nights since he’d been back. I was resentful and felt I had a right to be grumpy. So I was.
I wasn’t the kind, loving example I should’ve been.
Now my kids were acting exactly as they’d seen (or heard) me behave. Irritable and impatient.
Through my marriage, I’m teaching my kids a lot, including how to extend grace.

I’m showing them how to make life work when you live with someone who thinks and acts differently than you. I’m modeling how we can appreciate differences because men and women were designed to be different.
Like it or not, the way they behave in their marriages will look a lot like the way I behave in mine.

I can tell my kids to say please and thank you, be kind and respect one another. In reality they’re watching everything I do. They’re listening to every word I say. If I’m not kind and respectful, they won’t be either.
My kids will behave exactly as they see me behave. Not as I tell them to behave. I can use my marriage to teach them valuable life lessons.

7 lessons I want my kids to learn by watching my marriage​

I want my kids to learn to:

1. Apologize
2. Respect one another
3. Show gratitude
4. Be encouraging
5. Fight fair
6. Affirm others
7. Forgive quickly

I hadn’t been a model of kindness, patience and grace. I was convicted of my own behavior, but I made my son apologize anyway.
He turned to his sister, and just as eloquently as he’d insulted her, he apologized:

“I get mad, sad, and angry at you almost every day. But, those are just feelings. Everyday I make a conscious decision to love you and nothing you can say or do will change that. I love you from the bottom of my heart. You are my little sister, and I want to care for you and protect you. I would die for you. Will you forgive me?”
She smiled at him, and it was over.

I took a lesson from my son and borrowed a few lines from his apology and used them on my husband when I saw him later that evening.
The next time you wonder what your kids are learning by watching your marriage, looking at their behavior will give you the answer.
What are your kids learning from watching your marriage?

 

[RiverOL]

Smile, God Loves You.​

I never thought too much about that line “Smile, God Loves You” growing up, though I heard it often enough. I would also see it emblazoned on my late father’s coffee mug (pictured here), from which I’m drinking my morning brew today. Surely, if I’m honest, there have been times in my life journey where I have been tempted by tragic and devastating experiences to write and say just the opposite—“Scowl, God Hates You” or “Sulk, God Just Doesn’t Care.” The past several months have provided their fair share of temptation along these lines, though I don’t think I’ll inscribe these dark words on a coffee mug.


Well, I wasn’t scowling or sulking Thursday, when I went to my son Christopher’s room at the rehabilitative care facility where he resides presently. When I greeted him, I witnessed that the right corner of his mouth moved slightly upward, as in a quivering smile. That was a first for me, though my wife had seen Christopher smile when she touched him and spoke to him recently.

I have not seen any smile, no facial movement, not even a frown in all my daily or nightly visits with Christopher in hospital and care facility rooms since his traumatic brain injury in January. When his nurse came in later to introduce himself on Thursday, he immediately shared with me that Christopher smiled at him when the nurse first spoke to my son earlier in the day. Then I told the nurse of my similar experience. What a relief that I wasn’t hallucinating, or if I was, so, too, was the nurse.

More smiles appeared on my fatigued face later on during my Thursday visit. The CNA tending to Christopher that day walked in and told me that Therapy was able to get Christopher to respond to prompts. They asked him eight times to open his right hand. Then they asked him to close his right hand. Christopher opened and closed his hand each time they asked! Again, that was a first!


With a smile beaming in my soul, I called Christopher’s wife, my daughter, and my wife. They all had opportunity to express to Christopher their joy and celebration of these positive responses. His eyes were open. It appeared that he was listening intently.

As I ended the call on my phone in Christopher’s room, I thought I would flick my fingers in front of my son’s eyes to see if he would blink before I had to leave for the evening. I have flicked my fingers before his eyes on many visits, but I have never witnessed any responsiveness. Still, it was worth the risk of being discouraged again in the effort to try and make him blink for the very first time.

So yesterday, I flicked my fingers a few inches from his eyes, just like in the past, pausing between each flick for several seconds. Each time, eight times in total, Christopher blinked. Flick…Blink. Flick…Blink. Flick…Blink. I quickly walked out into the hall to tell Christopher’s nurse. His nurse’s face beamed with a smile and he said that Christopher’s sensors were returning. It sure seems that way. Similarly, it seems that my sensors are returning. A smile is returning to my face more often, sometimes with a slight quiver, but a smile nonetheless, as I respond to Christopher’s encouraging prompts to me.

Life with a traumatic brain injury and life without it has so many ups and downs, so many smiles, scowls, sulks, and frowns. There are times when we think God loves us and times when we are tempted to think God hates us or doesn’t care about us.

Now some may be tempted to take these sentiments as prompts for a rebuke. But that won’t do any good, as it tends to suppress honest engagement with God. The psalmists were honest with God and their feelings. It doesn’t help to suppress our feelings, but to move forward however gingerly to express them in constructive directions. I try not to allow any up day or down day of circumstances to alter my balance.

Yesterday, Christopher was not responsive during visitation, which one of the therapists said is quite common with TBI. Responsive days can follow non-responsive days and non-responsive days can follow responsive days. But how do I ultimately respond to God?
The Apostle Paul had many good days and many bad days in his Christian sojourn. He wrote from house arrest in Rome:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:12-13; NIV).

Christ’s abiding presence and sustenance gave Paul strength.
On another occasion, Paul writes to the Roman church that nothing can separate us from the love of Christ:

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:35-39; NIV).

Jesus endured hunger and want, weakness and shame. He endured trouble and hardship, persecution, nakedness, danger, and the sword or spear. So, too, did Paul. So, we, too, can endure, just like Paul did, knowing that Christ is with us and his love is more than sufficient to sustain us in the face of any evil or trouble.
We are more than conquerors and warriors, like my son Christopher, who fights for life and proves resilient in his pursuit of healing. I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither bad days of little or no responsiveness in the present or the future, nor emotional highs or lows, neither brain damage nor any other mental, emotional or physical condition and COVID restriction that we endure will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.


Even when I am not smiling on the outside, and even when there is deep sorrow in my heart, there is an even deeper dimension of existence in my spirit where God’s Spirit of love dwells, and who prompts me to keep moving my limbs and opening my eyes. May we see that God’s love does not depend on circumstances. Rather, our response to life circumstances depends on whether we are confident in God’s love that prompted and moved Jesus to conquer so much pain and isolation, suffering and shame, death and the grave.
Charles Spurgeon, the famed “Prince of Preachers,” was no stranger to a range of emotions. He struggled mightily with chronic depression. Still, it did not keep him from reflecting on the everlasting love of God. In a sermon titled “More Than Conquerors” based on Romans 8:37 quoted above, Spurgeon declared on May 19, 1867:

But, above all, they conquered because Christ was actually with them. His body was in heaven, for he has risen, but his Spirit was with them. We learn from all the history of the saints, that Christ has a way of infusing supernatural strength into the weakest of the weak. The Holy Spirit, when he comes into contact with our poor, wavering, feeble spirits, girds us up to something which is absolutely impossible to man alone. You look at man as he is, and what can he do? Brethren, he can do nothing. “Without me, ye can do nothing.” But look at man with God in him, and I will reverse the question— What can he not do?

I do not see a man burning in yonder fires, I see Christ suffering in that man. I do not see a martyr in prison, so much as the divine power, laughing at the thought of imprisonment, and scorning iron bands. I do not so much see a simpleminded virgin, uneducated, contending with sophists and cavillers, as I see the Spirit of the living God speaking through her simple tongue, teaching her in the same hour what she shall speak, and proving the truth that the foolishness of God is greater than the wisdom of man, and the feebleness of God is stronger than the power of man.

Oh! it is glorious to think that God should thus take the meanest, poorest, feeblest things, and should put himself into them, and then say, “Come on, all ye that are wise and great, and I will baffle you through those that are foolish and feeble! Now, come, ye devils of hell; come, ye men of earth, who breathe out threatenings, and foam with cruelty; come all of you, and this poor defenceless one shall laugh you all to scorn, and triumph even to the last!” It is the power of Christ. And did you notice the name by which the apostle called our Lord in the text? It is so significant, that I think it is the key to the text, “Through him that loved us.”

Preach it, Preacher.
Jesus is God’s smile. He is the proof of God’s love. God’s Spirit of love poured out in Jesus and into our hearts (Romans 5:5) prompts us to respond to his love when everything in us and round about us scowls, sulks, and frowns: “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us” (Romans 8:37; NIV). Smile, God loves you.

 

[RiverOL]

No one could see what Tim saw in that old house. They saw brokenness; he saw potential. They saw chipped paint, falling gutters, and a leaky roof–not to mention dirt everywhere and enough cobwebs to catch an ant farm. He saw the builder’s original intent–and what that house could one day be.

Others couldn’t understand why Tim worked hour after hour, nailing in broken pieces, sanding down the chipped paint. His hands often got splinters or ached from his labors, but he didn’t stop. He spent lots of money, but he didn’t care. He saw not what was, but what would be–and that house had been made to shine.

You see, Tim knew something the others didn’t. He knew what the house had been built to be…because he’d built it. A terrible disaster had destroyed the home many years back, but Tim wouldn’t give up on that old house.

It took years–one could even say a lifetime–but one day others saw it too. No one could recognize in the elegant mansion the once forsaken home.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Philippians 1:6 (ESV)

From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh.
2 Corinthians 5:16 (ESV)

Thought: God is in the business of restoring what sin has ruined. In Christ, we’re new creations (2 Cor. 5:16), but we still often look like a messed up version of what God intended. Lord, give us eyes to see one another as You see them.

 

[RiverOL]

Burdens . . . Bad?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Count it all joy, my brothers—James 1:2-4​

This age regards the burdens of struggle/hardship/pain as simply bad, to be avoided at all cost—the loss of a job, loss of a career, loss of financial stability, loss of an image, loss of a marriage. So we medicate, distract, deny—anything to make them go away. And, when we just can’t, we direct our frustration toward God: “Where are you?” “How could you allow this?” But . . . what if . . . these burdens are actually good things? Constructive things? What if they have a purpose? What if they’re not random things, but parts of a program to make us more mature, more focused, more rugged, more fruitful? Jesus taught that God prunes “every branch that does bear fruit,” so that “it may bear more fruit” (John 15:2). And, indeed, most men will concede that—while they’ve certainly not enjoyed the struggle/hardship/pain of the past—they do like the people they’ve become as a result. They prefer their post-burden selves to the men they were before. Maybe we’ve got this upside down. Maybe we need to think differently about struggle/hardship/pain? Maybe the words of James aren’t so crazy? “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (James 1:2-4).

Okay, so what do we do?​ Are you going through something tough, right now? If not, enjoy this time. If you are, recognize the pain. Talk about it with trusted friends. But don’t try to escape it. Let it do its work. And, trust that it will not last forever. Trust that, after a little while, it’ll go away and you’ll emerge a better version of you.

 

[RiverOL]

The Cost of Disobedience: Forfeiting Our Heavenly Reward​

Unbeknownst to them, my wife wanted to surprise our kids with small toys the other day—just because. There was no special occasion, nor was it a reward for good behavior. Rather, it was just a simple kindness for children who already have enough. Mom just wanted to give them a gift because she’s a good mom, and she loves them. Yet my children will never see what could have been because of disobedience that day.

Granted, this is a rather insignificant thing in the grand scheme of things. It is simply a toy—but there have been plenty of times where something of greater delight was stripped away as a result of their disobedience. My wife is one who gives gifts freely, which is one of her most admirable qualities to her—one I look to her as an example in simply because my natural bent is not that. For the simple reason that she delights to give, it is particularly saddening to her when we’ve had to cancel plans or withhold a gift, whether large or small.


It does make me wonder what gifts we miss out on simply because of our own petulant attitudes. One has to stop and think, “What good things have I missed out on that my Father wished to give me, freely and joyfully out of His love, which I did not receive because of my own stubbornness and rebellion?” Furthermore, knowing we have a heavenly reward that awaits us, we must ask what we stand to lose in this, if anything at all. As adults, we often think of ourselves more highly than children, yet children are a continual reminder to me that I am often childish myself before my heavenly Father.

While I have learned to exhibit self-control and maintain my outward appearance before man, the Lord knows my heart better than I do. He knows when I am disappointed, malcontent, and in essence, throwing a tantrum of the heart. He knows when I have questioned His goodness in the small and mundane, and like a petulant child, dug in my heels when I have contrived a “better way” than He.

In all of this though, it leads me to see the incredible patience the Lord has, and likewise how often I can be impatient with my own children. Do not misunderstand me so as to say that this is cause to stop from disciplining a child. Folly is bound within the heart of a child, yet the rod of discipline will drive it from them (Pro. 22:15). He who withholds the rod hates his son, but the one who disciplines him diligently loves him (Pro. 13:24).

In both instances, the “rod” truly means “rod,” yet to “discipline diligently” involves more than simply a punitive aspect; it involves instruction, more clearly an instruction on the shameful behavior of the child so as to lead them to righteous behavior. It is therefore a “both/and” proposition rather than an “either/or” one, when it comes to disciplining children. Parents are to discipline corporally, yet never without proper instruction of the righteous behavior they are to be exhibiting. In much the same way, the Lord disciplines the one He loves, as a father the son in whom he delights (Pro. 3:12).


In Hebrews 12:6 we find the same principle carry through; the Lord disciplines those whom He loves and scourges His own children. The two terms here are synonymous with the examples above from the book of proverbs, in that the usage of παιδεύω (discipline) and μαστιγόω (scourge) carries both the corporal and instructional component. Again, παιδεύω carries with it the idea that instruction is rooted intrinsically in how to live in a proper manner before God and man.

The usage of μαστιγόω here is a bit more violent than most Evangelicals would like, but it literally means to “beat, whip, or flog” physically. In essence then, what the author of Hebrews is telling us is that God will punish our disobedience in rather harsh ways. He will “use the rod” just as the loving father in the book of Proverbs instructs. Like before, it is a “both/and” proposition rather than an “either/or” one. Both components are present and designed to work with an explicitly good purpose in mind, which is that those trained by discipline will experience the harvest of righteousness and peace yielded by and through it at a later time (12:10-11).

It may be peculiar in our day and age to some simply because of the push against proper discipline in the home—but this prospect of both corporal and instructional discipline is seen as a loving thing in the eye of God. The author of Hebrews relates the punishment of God to the punishment of our own fathers simply because this type of punishment is an assumed thing (12:7-10). It is, therefore, the lack of punishment that is seen as an altogether foreign, and unloving thing. The one who does not receive the punishment of their father, earthly or heavenly, is an illegitimate child.

They are the one who isn’t loved. They are not “true children” in any meaningful sense. This should give you a small indication of just how backwards people have it today. Nonetheless, it is the one who does not get punished that has every cause to worry if they are a legitimate child of God, and this is made all the clearer as we contemplate the significance of the outcome produced through discipline (12:10-11). The one who is not loved by God and does not experience the rod of His discipline is not one in whom righteousness and peace will be produced. The trade-off, of course, is that no one enjoys discipline; it is immensely painful by design (12:11a).


For some, their choices have immediately disastrous consequences which bring down terrible punishments upon them. Some Christians have committed egregious acts and found themselves forfeiting their lives, losing their marriage, being maimed for the rest of their life, losing their livelihood, among other things. Some pay for their decisions with long-lasting consequences that simply never go away. In all of this, the Lord’s love is still upon them if they are in Christ. While they may bear similar earthly consequences as the one who does not love God, their ends are to two different aims. For the one God hates, such punishment is a great mercy designed to lead them to repentance, as it is an infinitely small foretaste of the eternal torment that awaits them if they do not repent. For the one God loves, such punishment is restorative and instructional, even though they still stand to lose much. Is it not better to lose the whole world rather than one’s own soul?


To turn our attention back to the original proposition of this piece though: what heavenly reward do we miss out on in our disobedience? I don’t fully know. We don’t know the secret will of the Lord, so it naturally follows that we will not know what God would have done had we obeyed, rather than turned aside and gone our own way. I don’t believe that knowledge is ever ours to know, for the secret things belong to the Lord—but I do know we suffer loss in some capacity in the here and now, and in eternity. For one, we stand to lose out on the blessing of obedience to God.

We miss out on the privilege to do what is right for our Beloved; we miss out on the opportunity to honor the Christ who shed His blood for us; we miss out on the joy that is bound up in the simple pleasures of what the Lord has declared is good. God has given us an entire world of freedom to be had and godly pleasures to be enjoyed—yet so often, we imbibe the sentiments of the ever-quotable C.S. Lewis:
“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making m&d pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”


We tend to believe, even though many of us claim to know better, that the short-term gains of our sinful choices are better than the rewards of obedience. The tug of our hearts is pulled toward the pleasures of sin because we don’t take God at His Word when He says something of sin is of infinitely lesser value than pleasing Him. As Jerry Bridges notes, “The lure of momentary pleasure is stronger than our desire to please God.” Another way to put it is that we believe the immediate gratification found in sinful “rewards” is better than the immediate gratification of pleasing our Lord. If this weren’t true, we wouldn’t choose sin over obedience. We wouldn’t choose earthly bobbles and trinkets in favor of our heavenly reward.

Perhaps the more sobering thought is that as a result of our disobedience, we will suffer loss of our potential, eternal reward (1 Cor. 3:15; 2 Jn. 1:8). We know there are treasures in heaven (Matt. 6:19-21), there are degrees of authority in heaven (Matt. 25:21-23; Lk. 19:17-26), and there seems to be an indication of various types of crowns one receives as part of our heavenly reward as well (see Ja. 1:12; 1 Cor. 9:24-25; 1 Thess. 2:19). We likewise know that God rewards us for our good works (Eph. 6:8; Matt. 19:21), endurance (Heb. 10:34-36; Matt. 5:12; Lk. 6:22-23), living righteously before God (Mt. 6:1), our faithfulness in laboring for the gospel (1 Cor. 3:8-14), and more.


In the same manner we stand to lose part of our heavenly reward as a result of our actions in this life. We know that God will bring everything hidden to light (1 Cor. 4:5), judge every idle word (Matt. 12:36), and while we do not know precisely what these heavenly rewards will look like, we do know some Christians will shrink back in shame at Christ’s arrival (1 Jn. 2:28). Undoubtedly, no one who is in Christ will lose their eternal reward, which is given freely (Jn. 10:28-29; Eph. 2:8-9). However, there is the prospect to lose what we stand to gain in heaven, which is imperishable and cannot be stolen or destroyed. What that demonstrates to us is that the freedom from the condemnation we deserve is not the determining factor of these heavenly rewards. To put it another way: we are totally and fully forgiven, yet that does not mean there are no longer consequences to our actions now that we are in Christ. It does mean, however, that we will not forfeit eternal life if Christ has redeemed us by His blood.

God has given us this knowledge as a means of motivation, which very simply means it isn’t a bad thing for you and I to be motivated by the prospect of our heavenly reward. That God has designed things this way gives us an even greater understanding of the liberality with which He seeks to bless His children. Knowing that His gifts are greater than the best gifts any earthly father can give, we ought to strive all the more to earn such treasures. If you are like me though, this has to be at the forefront of your mind at all times, and even then you still fail.

Like a child caught unawares of the good gifts God had in store for you, only to lose them in fits of disobedience, you’re perhaps recognizing now that you’ve already lost more than you can possibly know. In other cases, you know precisely what good, temporal gift you have forfeited because it has been stripped from you now. It is alright to grieve this loss. It is o.k. to weep over what may have been or what should have been. It is o.k. to recognize the forfeiture of a heavenly reward that was attached to the loss of that temporal gift. Likewise, it is wise for us to be motivated by this sense of loss, and a desire to avoid the discipline of the Lord in this manner in the future.


Once you have grieved your loss, wipe your face and look to Christ, and set out this day to right your path. Embrace your shame and sorrow in this, namely, because godly sorrow produces repentance that leads to salvation (2 Cor. 7:10). Then, give thanks that God has graciously spared your life so there is still time for you to earn your heavenly reward, bearing in mind that the most precious of which that has already been freely given to you, is the crowning jewel of all treasures: Christ Himself. It is only when we see that having Christ is of unsurpassable value and being found in Him gives us insurmountable wealth that we will have a rightful eye on the bounty He so freely gives us in our obedience to Him.

It is only when we see and treasure Christ for who He is that we will find true, lasting motivation to hold out in obedience, so that we might obtain our heavenly reward. To put it more clearly: not only will seeing and savoring Christ produce a desire in us to earn our heavenly reward, it will produced a desire in us to obey His commands rather than sin, because we will truly see that these things are of infinitely greater value than the sin that so easily ensnares us.

 

[RiverOL]

Life Support: Controlling Responses to Uncontrollable Situations​

Have you ever experienced and endured an uncontrollable situation, like a great storm in life? It can be overwhelming. Well, that’s how I often feel in dealing with my son’s traumatic brain injury and its aftermath. Of course, as I have noted in some of my posts, we experience encouraging days where Christopher is responding in positive ways. He may respond to a prompt. He may smile.

He may say a word. My soul soars in those moments in uncontrollable happiness and joy. However, there are many other days when there is no response and no such happiness. I cannot control how my son’s body responds or reacts. Certainly, I can advocate for him in the hopes of working with various care givers to provide him with the best possible opportunities to recover. In addition to Christopher’s medical situation, there are other situations beyond my control. Sometimes the weight and the pressure is enough to require the emotional and spiritual equivalent of a ventilator for my own life support.


Just this weekend, I reflected back on Viktor Frankl’s assessment of uncontrollable situations. Frankl was a noted Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist, who was also a Holocaust survivor. In Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl reflects upon the need to remain active, not passive, to be proactive, not reactive in dealing with uncontrollable situations. One of the reasons Frankl’s perspective is so important is because persecution and torture often fragment and destroy people’s personalities.

In my estimation, something similar occurs in the case of traumatic ordeals bound up with health crises and surrounding circumstances, as in the case of TBI. While my family and I are not enduring persecution and torture, I resonate with the following statement, which touches on our own experience to one degree or another:

The pathogenic effects of suffering extreme stress have been well documented (although whether a specific psychiatric syndrome exists is still debated) and the evidence suggests that the cognitive processes most vulnerable to psychological assault, especially when combined with the self-inflicted pain from stress positions, is executive function. This results in intellectual deterioration, difficulty in focusing, sustaining attention and psychological balance; in severe cases tortuous techniques can compromise the integrity of the mind–body system causing disintegration of a person’s identity and personality which may lead to regression or psychiatric disorder John Leach, “Psychological Factors in Exceptional, Extreme and Torturous Environments,” in Extreme Physiology & Medicine).

Frankl underwent such stress bound up with persecution and torture in the Holocaust. He came to the realization that it is important to remain in control of one’s inner person and attitude on life. Frankl writes:

When we are no longer able to change a situation…we are challenged to change ourselves (Frankl, 112).
…everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way (Frankl, 66).

I cannot control many of the unfathomable circumstances my family and I are facing. While we are hardly living in a concentration camp, we are living in the cramped quarters of not having much room for error in addressing ever-evolving, major life decisions of various kinds. So, I am slowly learning that I need to create more space between what I encounter or endure and my responses so I don’t react and fly off the handle. I need to slow down in order to speed up in dealing well with these various major life decisions. How about you?

As noted in a prior post on this subject, Daniel Goleman, author of the best-selling volume Emotional Intelligence, speaks of how forming a gap in our response mechanism to external stimuli gives us time to process so that we do not fly off the handle. It helps us become more response-able. According to Goleman, “Maturity is the ability to increase the gap between impulse and action.” It is important to increase the gap in our responses so that we become more response-able in engaging others.


Just think if all of us put Goleman’s counsel into practice in our relationships and encounters with various people. Just think what his counsel would do for us if we applied it to driving down the road of life. I cannot control if someone flies up behind me and rides my bumper as I am driving. It wouldn’t be wise to slam on the brakes or to flip off the person. It will only lead to more dangerous road conditions.

What would be wise is to make sure there is plenty of room between the vehicle in front of me and my own car so I don’t have to slam on the brakes in case they slow down suddenly (we should ensure such a gap in any event, but even more so when someone’s riding our tail). If I can change lanes to let the driver riding my bumper pass, that would be good, too. In any situation, it is vital to create space in order to operate by way of premeditation rather than impulse. Road rage is all about operating by impulse, not pro-action. How we drive down the road and on the road of life parallel one another. How are we doing in both domains?

Yesterday, as I was driving down the highway, I was feeling the extreme stress of everything going on surrounding my son’s situation. I started reflecting on Psalm 46:10-11 and the classic hymn “It Is Well With My Soul.” Sometimes I turn to these two anchors for my soul, when I feel tossed about by uncontrollable life circumstances. I quoted the biblical verses, prayed over them, and sang the hymn, as I drove. Don’t worry. I didn’t close my eyes.

Psalm 46:10-11 reads, “‘Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.’ The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress” (NIV). That passage of Scripture and the hymn quieted my soul and helped me create more emotional space in the moment. No doubt, the scripture and hymn also helped me create even more space between other drivers and myself on the highway.

As conveyed in the psalm and Hebrew Scriptures as a whole, Israel faced all kinds of difficulties, endured all sorts of conflicts and onslaughts. The author of Psalm 46 exhorts the people to realize that their God will be exalted among the nations and will be their fortress in the face of ever-present dangers.
The author of the hymn, Horatio Gates Stafford, who was a Christian leader and esteemed lawyer, wrote the song in response to receiving the earth-shattering news that his four daughters had drowned at sea on a transatlantic journey. Here’s the first verse:

When peace like a river attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
“It is well, it is well with my soul.”

Stafford’s hymn has encouraged countless believers since he wrote it in 1873. How could someone who lost so much find so much solace in God? While on spiritual and emotional life support, Stafford created space between impulse and action in the face of uncontrollable circumstances. You and I can do the same.
Next time you feel like you are losing control and removing the gap between impulse and action and allowing others and life circumstances to get the upper hand and master your responses, meditate on Psalm 46:10-11 and sing Stafford’s hymn. It may save you from a few more accidents in life. God bless you and grant you peace.

 

[RiverOL]

Confession? Ugh . . .​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God—Romans 3:23​

Confession—real, raw confession—is a critical component of a healthy spiritual life. It’s also an essential element of robust Christian brotherhood. We may not want to admit it, but we men need to be known, truly known . . . and be accepted by our brothers still. We’ve all believed, though, that to be accepted we can project images that are only partially accurate. It seems so right, at first. But make no mistake—it’s not. It’s a lie from our enemy. As long as we conceal parts of our lives, we cannot know the true depth of friendships. As long as we hide, brotherhood is never tested. As long as we hide, we harbour doubts: would they stand by me, if they knew the real me? This leads to shame, and we forsake the compassion of true Christian community. “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy” (Proverbs 28:13). Moreover, if friends see us only partially, they cannot fight for us—because we obscure what’s going wrong. But we’ve all “sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). And when we fall short, we need others to see . . . to step in, to help, and to pray. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another . . . pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power” (James 5:16).

Okay, so what do we do?​ You must figure out what to confess and to whom. What is easy: whatever you haven’t already. There shouldn’t be anything in your life that someone doesn’t know. Who requires you to ask God and to search your own heart. He’s put men into your life specifically for this type of transparency. Reach out to them today and have a conversation.

 

[RiverOL]

Ten Rules for a Happy Life​

We all want to be happy, but for most of us, happiness is just this elusive “feeling” we’re trying to catch or create but we don’t know how to keep it. What if there was a proven path to true and sustained joy? What if happiness is something much more than fleeting feeling that comes and goes and it’s really a sustained joy could be present through even the most difficult parts of life?


I have good news (and no, I’m not trying to see you anything here)! There really are some “rules” that can create true happiness. I’ve paid close attention to the lives of the happiest people I know and I’ve measured their lifestyles against the timeless truths of Scripture which provides the ultimate roadmap for discovering purpose and joy. There is a roadmap to happiness and I call it The Ten Rules for a Happy Life.

There’s one item that is not on the list of ten below, because I feel that it needs to be addressed in a category all by itself. This issue can be the biggest cause of grief in your life or the biggest source of peace. I’m referring to forgiveness. If you truly want to be happy, you must embrace GRACE as a lifestyle. Accept the gift of grace Jesus has made available to us all and then extend that grace to everyone who offends you. Grudges create bitterness. Forgiveness creates freedom (and happiness). Holding a grudge doesn’t make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn’t make you weak; it sets you free!

True happiness and joy are much deeper and richer than a one-size-fits all, canned approach to reaching them, BUT I’m convinced that if you’ll follow the Ten Rules for a Happy Life it could make all the difference. If you want to be happier, please do the following ten things (in no particular order)…

1. Think of others more than yourself.

This one goes against our human nature, because we’re all more selfish than we’d like to admit. The worldly pursuit of happiness involves loving things and using people, but God’s plan for happiness (modeled perfectly by how Jesus lived) is in serving others. It’s not thinking less of yourself; it’s just thinking of yourself less. Pride and greed and self-centeredness lead to misery, but serving others and loving others leads to joy.


2. Smile and laugh as often as you can.

Even in difficult moments, find reasons laugh. Sometimes you have to choose to smile even when your face wants to frown. Studies have shown that the simple act of smiling (even when you don’t feel like it) can actually make you start to feel happier. You have more control over your mood than you might realize. You don’t have to follow your emotions. You can actually lead them most of the time.

#3 reveals an unlikely way that money is related to happiness....

3. Spend less money than you make.

Happiness isn’t the result of how much money than you make BUT it could be impacted by how much you spend. In short, debt leads to stress and stress is a killer of happiness. If you live within your means and you choose to be content with what you have, you can be happier with a simpler life than the richest man in town is in his mansion. Don’t expect buying more things to make you happy. Giving money is actually a better strategy to finding happiness than spending money.

4. Be an encourager; not a critic.

Your words have the power to build up or tear down. Be an encourager. The world has plenty of critics already. The tone of your words will shape the tone of your life. When you choose to encourage others, they’ll be more likely to encourage you and the happiness you give will come back to you. We usually receive back the very things we give, so give good things in your words and your actions.

#5 might change your perspective on how you see yourself...

5. Don’t take yourself too seriously.

You’ve got to be able to laugh at yourself. Don’t try to be impressive; just be real! There’s nothing more impressive than authenticity. Remember that God never told you to impress people; only to love them. Loving others is much easier when we’re not always trying to appear a certain way.

6. Don’t take your mission too lightly.

While we shouldn’t take ourselves too seriously we should take our mission very seriously. Our “missions” have to do with the jobs we do that are bigger than ourselves (like raising kids, sharing our faith, working to provide for a family, etc.). Those tasks can and should still be fun as much as possible, but we can’t take those responsibilities lightly. Working hard at the right things leads to happiness and a legacy reflecting a life well-lived.

#7 reveals one of the most important decisions you’ll EVER make…

7. Choose a positive attitude even in negative circumstances.

You can’t always control your circumstances, but you can always control your attitude. Choose to have a good one. Choose to see the best in every situation. In Philippians 4:8, the Bible commands us to focus our thoughts on the positive. This isn’t just blindly choosing optimism or the “power of positive thinking,” but it’s a conscious choice to let the change start within us that we hope to see around us.


8. Pray when you feel like worrying.

Prayer doesn’t have to be a cold, mindless ritual. God invites us into a life-giving, life-changing conversation with Himself. Prayer reminds us that God is with us, He is for us and He is bigger than whatever we’re facing. Prayer doesn’t always change our circumstances, but it can always change our perspective!

#9 could bring happiness faster than nearly anything on this list...

9. Give thanks when you feel like complaining.

The act of venting or complaining doesn’t actually make us feel better. It gives us the temporary illusion of feeling better, but then we quickly feel worse than we felt before. Gratitude is God’s remedy for negativity. When you feel like complaining, start thanking Him for all the blessings in your life. You’ll discover that it’s nearly impossible to be thankful and stressed at the same time.

10. Keep going when you feel like quitting.

When you feel like giving up and when things seem “impossible,” KEEP GOING. Perseverance isn’t just on the pat to happiness; it IS the path to happiness! Don’t let setbacks derail you. Don’t let discouragement get you sidetracked. Keep going. Stay the course. God is with you and there are great days ahead!

 

[RiverOL]

When Your Wife is a Bully​

I received a message on Facebook this morning from a man who is suffering in secret. He is part of a large-but-invisible fraternity to which he never wanted to be a member. He’s among the countless men who feel bullied or abused by their wives.
My wife Ashley and I talk openly about abuse in marriage, but the topic of abuse we typically discuss is the physical or emotional abuse husbands can inflict on wives. Most of the culture’s conversation around abuse follows this same narrative. Certainly, there are statistical and practical reasons to talk more about marital abuse against women, but we must also recognize that many men are suffering.


When a man feels bullied or abused in marriage, he often feels complex emotions which include pain inflicted by his wife’s behavior plus shame and isolation, because he feels like his very manhood has been stolen from him. For a man to confess to anyone that he’s being bullied or abused in marriage requires an enormous amount of vulnerability. There’s a stigma attached to abused men which can carry the unfair assumption that “If you were a ‘real man’ then nobody would be able to abuse you or mistreat you. There must be something wrong with you.”

ALL abuse victims (male and female) carry many complex emotions and hurts. Victim shaming certainly occurs in both genders and it needs to stop altogether. We must develop more compassion so victims of any form of abuse or bullying in marriage will have the courage to step out of the shadows and share their stories.
Every situation is unique and there’s a very broad spectrum of controlling and/or abusive behaviors, so it’s difficult to prescribe a one-size-fits-all menu of options. To create some specific categories, I’m going to outline four forms of bullying and/or abuse in marriage and offer some insight into each of these three. For the purposes of this article, these examples will all be directed to abusive wives and abused husbands. We have other articles and resources which talk about the reverse scenario of abused wives and abusive husbands.


Four categories of abusive and/or controlling wives and how to respond:

1. The Bullying (and/or Controlling) Wife​

The need to control usually stems from deeper issues. If you are a husband married to a wife who is bullying or obsessively controlling, the most helpful resource I could suggest as a first step is a book called “Boundaries” by Drs. John Townsend and Henry Cloud. You need to establish some loving but firm boundaries with your wife to let her know that her behavior is undermining the sacred partnership of the marriage and if it continues unchanged, the marriage itself is in danger of unraveling.

Know that in some cases, a wife who has a need to control or bully is herself dealing with emotional scars and/or physical health issues. Seeking counseling and medical help to rule out any underlying psychological, hormonal or physical issues might help solve some of the negative behavior. There are times when a wife is caught up in the habit of control and she’s blind to it. She doesn’t even know she’s doing it. Again, the book “Boundaries” along with marriage counseling could be a healthy way to help her see clearly that her behavior is hurtful.

2. The Physically Abusive Wife​

When any form of physical abuse is happening in marriage, a massive line has been crossed and immediate action needs to be taken to ensure safety. Unfortunately, there is a stigma most men feel that keep them from reporting this physical abuse, but men need to have the courage to report it. In admitting the abuse, a man isn’t becoming less of a man. He’s being more of a man by getting the help he needs and getting his wife the help she needs. Physical abuse is a sign that a marriage is out of control and can only be saved with intervention, so get the intervention you need.

3. The Verbally Abusive Wife​

When a wife’s words are a stream of negativity and criticism, it can make a man feel like his very soul is being crushed. In some ways, verbal abuse hurts more and leaves deeper scars than physical abuse. If your wife is spewing venom with her words, the book “Boundaries” I recommended above could help in this situation too. Counseling is also a good option. One piece of advice you may have never considered is to secretly record your wife and get audio and video evidence of her abusive words. Once you have the evidence, show it to her.

Don’t start a fight with it; simply say, “It hurts me the way you talk to me. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt in believing you don’t realize how you’re communicating to me, but here’s the hard truth. If you’re not willing to make changes or get counseling, I’m going to show this video to some of our loved ones and see if their intervention can convince you to get help. Either way, we’re not going to keep living like this.”

4. The Addicted Wife​

Often abuse is just a manifestation of addiction. Once drugs, alcohol or other substances have hijacked a person’s mind, that person has lost control. If your wife is addicted, get her the help she needs. By any means, whether it takes an intervention or driving her against her will to a place where she can get help, take drastic action. Ashley and I have written and spoken in much more detail on issues surrounding addiction in marriage and you can find those resources at www.MarriageToday.com
Here’s the bottom line, if there’s abuse or bullying of any kind happening in your marriage, don’t lose hope. Don’t settle for the status quo. Take action including the actions listed in this article. We are praying for you. Get the help you need.

 

[RiverOL]

Confession Isn’t Sufficient​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

But if a wicked person turns away from all his sins . . . he shall surely live—Ezekiel 18:21​

Confession is necessary, but it is not sufficient. Sufficiency is achieved only when confession is connected with repentance. You see, confession is making our sins known—to God, to wives, to trusted brothers. Repentance, though . . . repentance involves a turning: turning away from those sins; turning our backs on our old selves, on the men who committed those sins. Repentance is saying, we don’t want to be those men anymore. Repentance is turning toward God. It’s a willingness to become new men, loyal followers. Confession is critical, but it’s only the first step. Repentance is the ultimate step. Ironically, confession requires great courage, but repentance just requires a soft, willing heart. In the parable of the Prodigal Son, Jesus taught that it’s not sin itself that imperils us, but rather a hard, stubborn heart, an unwillingness to turn, an unwillingness to repent. The younger son lived a life with ostensibly more sin. The older brother simply harboured resentment and jealousy. The younger repented of his sins, though; the older did not. The father welcomed the younger and celebrated his return: “for this your brother was dead, and is alive” (Luke 15:32). The father pleaded with the older to also join in celebration, to soften his heart. He would not. Without repentance, we continue in our sin. Without repentance, we continue on our own path . . . toward death. Said Jesus, “unless you repent, you will all likewise perish” (Luke 13:3).

Okay, so what do we do?​ That stuff that you need/needed to confess, brother . . . yeah, that. Repent of it now. Turn your back on that man, that man who committed those sins. Soften. Be willing to listen to God. Astonishingly, he’ll always let you start anew. “Repent therefore, and turn back, that your sins may be blotted out” (Acts 3:19).

 

[RiverOL]

4 Reasons Why You and Your Spouse Aren’t on the SAME PAGE​

I hear married couples say it all the time—“The two of us just can’t get on the same page” or “We’re just on different pages”. I’ve said it before, too. Many have come to accept it as a normal thing that happens in marriage. But, the longer we stay on different pages, the more our marriage suffers.



So, how do we end up on different pages in the first place?
Well, it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s something that can sneak up on us unless we are intentional about our time and investment into our marriage.
First, we have to understand what it really means to be on different pages. Being on “different pages” is a way of saying that one partner is ahead of or behind the other. The two aren’t going through life at the same pace or in the same direction.

This can cause huge fights and discontentment in a marriage. Instead of feeling like we are playing for the same team, we end up feeling like opponents.
After years of working with married couples in crisis, my husband and I have noticed some common reasons why couples end up on different pages. It’s important that we understand how we got to the problem so we can find the proper solution…or avoid the pitfall altogether…before it’s too late.
Here are 4 reasons why you and your spouse aren’t on the same page:

1. Communication Issues
This is probably the biggest one. Unless we make healthy communication a daily priority, then it will start to break down. Healthy communication means we are actively talking and listening to one another and answering each other’s phone calls, texts, and messages. We silence the cell phone, close the laptop, and turn off the television and look into each others eyes while sharing what’s on our heart. When we fail to do this, we fail to really connect, and we eventually find ourselves on different pages.


2. Poor Choices
This is a hard one. In many situations, there is one spouse who continues to make poor choices, while the other tries to keep the marriage and family afloat. This causes great stress in the marriage and can tear a marriage apart. It’s important to remember that when one partner makes a poor choice, it affects both partners just the same.

Some common poor choices that people make in marriage is flirting with someone outside the marriage, drinking too much, leading an unhealthy lifestyle, lying, hiding money, having an affair, and stealing. These poor choices damage the trust and intimacy in our relationship and lead to major marriage problems.

It’s important that both spouses identify the destructive behavior(s) and get help before it becomes a full blown addiction or worse. And, it’s even more important that both the husband and the wife walk through this road to recovery TOGETHER. It’s never just “his problem” or “her problem”; in marriage, it’s always “our problem,” and we must choose to face it together in order for healing to take place.
For more on this, please read, “5 Things to do When You’re in a FOR WORSE Season of Marriage,” by clicking here.


3. Pride
Most of us are guilty of this one from time to time. We want to be “right” more than we want to admit fault and show our flaws. As husband and wife, we must learn to embrace the latter. We aren’t in competition with our spouse. We’re partners playing for the same team. So, let’s stop this “tit-for-tat” game and humble ourselves towards God and one another.

The best way we can do this is by praying together. It doesn’t have to be fancy or lengthy. Just find a time during the day, bow your heads, and talk to God. It’s really hard to stay mad at someone and pray for them at the same time. When we pray together, God softens our hearts towards one another and helps us to lay down our pride. He helps us to see our spouse with fresh, loving eyes and to have wisdom as we work to stay on the same page.

4. Priority Problems
This is another biggie. Reader, this world tells us to choose achievement over relationships and hobbies over family time. But, this kind of thinking will tear our marriage apart and leave us feeling empty in the end.

There is nothing more important in this world than our marriage and family. Nothing. There’s no job, television show, game, hobby, food, friend, extended family member, social media forum, or accolade that should come before my spouse. So, why do we choose those those things over our spouse time after time? It’s because we have our priorities backwards. We have to fight to keep our families first, but they are worth the fight. If WE aren’t intentional about our time with our spouse, then someone or something else will take that time from us.

 

[RiverOL]

This is How to Get Your Emotional Intimacy Needs Met​

Are you frustrated in your marriage because your needs aren’t being met?
You’re not alone. Many people don’t know how ask for what they need, much less give someone else what they need.
We usually need what we didn’t get. And if we didn’t get it, we don’t know how to give it.

Having needs doesn’t make you needy; it makes you normal​

We’ve all got them. Needs.
Here are the top 10 emotional intimacy needs*:
1. Acceptance-The need for unconditional love.
2. Affection–The need for physical touch or closeness.
3. Appreciation–The need for gratitude.
4. Approval-The need to feel important.
5. Attention-The need to know you’re cared about.
6. Comfort-The need to have someone respond to your hurt.
7. Encouragement-The need to have someone cheer you on.
8. Respect–The need to know you’re valued.
9. Security-The need to know you’ll protect me.
10. Support-The need to know you’ll be there through my struggles.
Emotional intimacy needs are powerful motivators for behavior. They determine how you relate to your husband and how he relates to you.

Unmet needs are a major source of frustration in marriage​

We want what we didn’t get, so we end up either demanding it from others or manipulating them into giving it to us.
There’s an easier way.
Here are 6 steps to set the stage for getting your needs met:

1. Look over the list and decide on your top three needs. Give your husband an opportunity to look over the list to decide his top three needs.
2. Set aside time with your husband. Set aside time each week to talk about your relationship. Find a quiet place so you can have uninterrupted time. Listen to what he needs and share your intimacy needs with your husband. These are information gathering sessions.
3. Meet his needs. After finding out which needs are most important to him and why, find ways to meet those needs. This will require you to become a student and your concentration will be your spouse.
4. Help him feel secure and confident in your support. Your husband doesn’t want to seem “needy” either. He needs to be assured you’ve got his back, and he’s got your confidence.
5. Avoid playing emotional games. You don’t get what you need, you’re afraid to ask for it so you form unhealthy behavior patterns. David and Teresa Ferguson in Intimate Encounters call these marital games and they’re driven by unmet emotional needs. They are usually manipulation techniques, which end up making us look “needy.”
6. Tell your husband what you need. Speak plainly in expressing your needs. Using an “I wish” statement is different than using an “I need” statement.

A large part of getting your needs met depends on your willingness to meet your husband’s needs and your willingness to let him know what you need.

It takes practice​

Your husband may have a tough time articulating his needs because most men aren’t verbal creatures.
They have a much lower daily word count than women, which means they talk a lot less.
You may have to experiment until you find out what he likes. Become a student of him. He may be your favorite subject ever.
Here are a few examples to get you started:

• Call him at work or send him a text to tell him you love him
• Initiate sex
• Tell him you appreciate his leadership
• Prepare his favorite meal or snack
• Take him to dinner or a movie
• Talk him up in front of others
• Compliment him
• Listen
• Assure him of your support
• Tell him you trust his judgement
• Praise him for helping at home or with kids
• Pray together

If you still don’t know, ask him.
Learning to meet each other’s emotional intimacy needs takes practice.
You can learn to meet each other’s needs and recapture the feelings of love and tenderness that attracted you to him in the first place.