In step

RiverOL · Mar 8, 2023

An Adventure in Non-Avoidance

I really value harmony. I don’t like conflict or division. It is like nails on a chalkboard to me.
As such, I tend to avoid things. If someone texts me, it usually takes me a while to respond. And that is the best of circumstances. I’ve been known to completely ignore an awkward text or two. I tend to agree with whoever is right in front of me, trying to find the truth in their perspectives but also trying to avoid disagreement.

All of this avoidance boils down to one thing: I am afraid of failing. Terrified, actually. And I will do all I can to avoid it. I hide from people, which is a challenge in my relationships and community.
The worst thing about this mentality is that it pushes one into an imagined reality. I start to see the worst people might say and assume they’ve already said it. I imagine how things might go wrong. Every circumstance, every encounter, threatens to define me.

Non-Avoidance

Earlier this year, I decided I was going to try to do better with all of this. I decided I would tell people when I didn’t want to do something. I would answer questions about how I feel more honestly. I wouldn’t work so hard to edit emails and texts to get the wording just right.
It has been oddly freeing. Turns out, the people who love me aren’t afraid of my boundaries. They don’t need me to say yes to everything or agree to everything. They don’t need my carefully concocted excuses as much as they need my upfront honesty.

I recently texted a friend, “no thanks. It has been a long week and I just want to stay in tonight.” He responded with, “great, We’ll get you next time”.
I’ve found that when I just put my honest responses out there, people are more gracious than I ever gave them credit for. And I am more okay with their disappointment than I imagined. And the end result is I am not carrying around all the what ifs for nearly as long.

It frees up my emotion, loosens my concerns, and gives the people around me a chance to share real reality with me, thus freeing me from my false narrative.
The other thing I have noticed about non-avoidance is that it allows me to have a more positive impact on the people around me. I am not so afraid of messing up. I’m not so busy cowering in corners to protect myself from imagined invaders. I am more able to move, to influence, to seek and share truth within my communities.
There is still a pit in my stomach when I have to share bad news or give an answer I know isn’t what someone wants to hear. Not all the responses have been as quick and kind as the example above. Some have given me the silent treatment. But I’ve come to see those people are probably more worried about what I am thinking about them than what they think of my answers.

I am still a long way off. I still spend way too much time avoiding the hard and awkward facets of reality and relationship. But I am discovering a courage to encounter it more freely.

RiverOL · Mar 9, 2023

HEARING GOD’S VOICE AND OBEYING IN OUR SORROWS

HEARING GOD’S VOICE AND OBEYING IN OUR SORROWS
Someone once said, “The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world.” They must have been thinking about the story of Hannah and Samuel in 1 Samuel when they said that.
Hannah was a barren woman who longed to have children. She cried to God in her sorrows. God wants to meet us in our sorrows.
Maybe you feel “small” today in your life. Maybe the circumstances of your life are huge and overwhelming. Good! God’s about to do something through you that will amaze you. I pray you allow Hannah’s life to inspire you.

We meet Hannah for the first time in 1 Samuel 1:2. She is described as, “Hannah who had no children.” She was known by her sorrow.
The Bible tells us in 1 Samuel 1:3 that Hannah’s husband would go up to the city every year to worship God and give thanks to God for His goodness and blessings to them. Because Hannah was barren, her husband had taken another wife in order to have children. This was a common practice in that day similar to surrogacy today. However, her surrogate often tormented her that she could not have children. It was a painful visit for Hannah to go and worship the Lord and give thanks in the midst of her sorrows.

The Bible tells us in 1 Samuel 1:6 that Hannah couldn’t have children because the Lord had closed Hannah’s womb. It is very difficult to give glory to God when God is the source of your greatest sorrow.
You are supposed to be giving glory to God today for His goodness to you and all you can think about is the blessing God has withheld from you. This is truly the dilemma of life.
Maybe you find yourself there today. I know I have been there. What do you do? These next seven words are crushing to a spirit that is already struggling. 1 Samuel 1:7 says, “So it went on year by year.”

Not only was she barren at a festival in the presence of her rival, where she was supposed to give glory to God for His blessings, but it went on year after year.
I find that a lot of people stop showing up for church for this very reason, they are tired of seeing God bless others before them. Can you relate? You are happy for them, but you want to say to the Lord, “where’s my blessing Lord?”

It is important in these seasons that we keep leaning into God in the midst of our sorrows.
Hannah’s pain was great, ongoing and unrelenting.
In the midst of Hannah’s hopelessness, she kept inviting God into these dark and hopeless spaces. She does this in 1 Samuel 1:11 when she said to God, “O Lord of hosts, if you will indeed look on the affliction of your servant and remember me and not forget your servant, but will give to your servant a son, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life,”

I remember as a kid my mom telling me she prayed this prayer over me when I was two-years old, sick, and dying in a hospital bed in Louisville, Kentucky. My parents were told there was no hope for me to live. My mom knelt by my bed and prayed this prayer that Hannah prayed. I didn’t miraculously get up out of the bed that day, but I started getting better from that day forward.

If you and I are going to hear and obey God in our sorrows, we have to dedicate the darkest places of our lives to God’s miraculous power.
Hannah stays after it. Hannah says to Eli the Priest in 1 Samuel 1:15, “I have been pouring out my soul before the Lord. 16 I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation.”

I love Eli’s response to Hannah, 1 Samuel 1:17, “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to him.” I love Hannah’s response to Eli’s in 1 Samuel 1:18, “Let your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad.
Can you say that and do that? If so, we should follow Hannah’s example. The next day 1 Samuel 1:19 tells us, “She rose early in the morning and worshiped before the Lord.”
Hannah didn’t allow her pain to define her practice of worship.

The Bible tells us in 1 Samuel 1:20 that in due time God gave Hannah a son. She named him Samuel because that means “I asked for him from the Lord.” She wanted Samuel to know He was from the Lord. The loudest human voice in my head is my mom’s voice. She told me the story of my life when I was too young to remember it. She told me how God blessed my life and saved me. But the blessing wasn’t the end of the story. She reminded me of God’s faithfulness to me and she told me of God’s purpose for me.

God doesn’t bless us so we can be blessed. He blesses us so we can live out His purpose for our existence.
Do you see the blessings of God as your means to fulfill your purpose?
After Hannah weaned Samuel, she took him back to the house of God where God heard her cry and answered her. She said to God in 1 Samuel 1:28, “As long as Samuel lives, he is lent to the Lord.”

My mom went to heaven twenty-nine years ago, but her dedication of me to God like Hannah did Samuel, still carries great weight and fulfillment through my life and ministry today.
Keep obeying God’s voice in your life. Dedicate your sorrows to God like Hannah, and in due time, He will fulfill His eternal purpose through it.
Blessings,
Pastor Kelly

RiverOL · Mar 10, 2023

Why do tyrants always behave stupidly?

Read about the downfall of any tyrant, even a less than awful one such as Napoleon, and you marvel at the increasingly foolish decisions the tyrant makes. If only they did not, if only they stopped, if only they did not say, but the tyrants do, go on, speak.

They cannot stop.
Why?
Plato suggests in Republic that a tyrant is afraid. He has what many of us want, but that something, power, has made him a target. He knows, how well he knows, what has to be done to get the power and to keep rule. Most tyrants ride a wave of popular support. History, or at least youth, are with them, but if they live long enough, they learn what they thought was history is a fickle thing. His generation raises the next and they reject the tyrant. Moral beliefs that were certain in his day are challenged as “obviously” wrong. The scientific point of view of his youth has become the “misuse of science.”

How is this possible? You cannot get “ought” from “is” and so one generation’s certainty on an ethical issue can be the next generation’s horror. Oddly, the broad ethical consensus, the moral law, is obvious enough that errors, sometimes very serious errors, are made in particulars, applications of that law. Everyone is pro-life and everyone is for love, but each generation wobbles off the center in some version of the old ways of failing to respect life or to be loving. It is better to lose, if you are following the moral law, in the short term than to win as a tyrant.

Why?
The reaction to tyranny is always, justifiably, fierce. If perfect love casts out all fear, the will to power in the tyrant casts out all love. He ends up surrounded by transactional figures: people who work for treats, money, rewards, power. He knows this and slowly all the old loyalists are purged by his doubts. The tyrant has wanted power and if clever or lucky, gains power, but can only keep that power by increasingly counter-productive means. When the “new” might have come to the office with moderates in charge, he jails the moderates. When the “new” might have swept into office with some checks and balances on the radicals, he jails these leaders. Finally, the opposition becomes so radicalized, the government so dependent on mere power, that the tyrant falls. If he is lucky, he dies first (see Lenin), but he is always afraid . . . even of his own followers.

Why say this?
Institutions, colleges, non-profits, and the government are changing. If the goal is power, then losing is frightening. If the goal is justice, then some losing is good for the soul and any movement. Losing purges the dross in all of us, sends us back to first principles, and reveals true friends. We love our enemies, pray for those who despitefully use us, and wait. Times change. Yesterday’s verities are tomorrow’s embarrassments: ask Woodrow Wilson. After all, if we are right, and persist, then the tyrants cannot win. The atheist Butchers of Beijing must clamp down, shoot, imprison the university students, the young people, the successful for being religious, for thinking differently than the tyrants. They are afraid.

Those that love need have no fear. Of course, in the course of time the moral anomalies in any nation, the progress that is really decadence, will fail. Our “values” will “win,” because “history” will once again sweep them into power. That generation will do her duty and her best and if she avoids tyranny, as much as she can, build civilization. If she becomes unwilling to lose, even a bit, then that generation will become tyrannical. No government is so good that it cannot be monstrous.
How can a person avoid tyranny? Find the dialectic. Engage in discussion.

Practice Christian humility and live by faith. Realize that what seems most certain today may be swept away tomorrow if one is keeping score by the pieties of the “winners.” Losing, even being crucified, is better than one moment of injustice to avoid the same. Why? The courage of our convictions tells us to endure and leave victory to God.
Most of all, pray daily: “Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.”

RiverOL · Mar 11, 2023

Working or Watching?

[ 1 min read ★ ]

We must work . . . while it is day;
night is coming—John 9:4

Ever feel like you’re spending way too much of life watching? I mean, what’s your personal watching-to-working ratio? And, by “working,” I don’t mean work-work. I mean working on those specific things for which you were created—for example, those things mandated by the two great commandments (Matthew 22:37-39).

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10).

Are you engaging in your good works? Or do you find that you're watching too many sermons about the Gospel, rather than living out the Gospel? Or watching too many movies and reading too many books about other people’s adventures, rather than living out the adventures God has for you? Or watching sports too much . . . watching others face their fears, face great odds, and push themselves beyond their supposed limits, rather than doing those things yourself? Don’t get me wrong, sermons, movies, books, and sports are good things. There’s nothing wrong with inspiration . . . but it’s got to be inspiration for something.

“Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind . . .” (Ephesians 1:4 MSG). When God dreamt about you so long ago, did he dream of you watching others live out their great stories, but not you? Of course not. Of course he dreamt of a great story for you too. Of course he has a story he cannot wait to share with you, right now.

Okay, so what do we do?

Search your heart, brother. What’s going on in there? Is it rising? Falling? Is it light? Heavy? Stop, now, and pray to God that he lead you into your story . . . your ancient story. That’s a good prayer. That’s one, I think, to which he’ll likely respond. So, you might buckle up.

Patriot · Mar 12, 2023

Top 13 Bible Verses About Virtue

God places a high value on godly virtues, so here are the top 13 Bible verses about virtue as found in Scripture.

Second Peter 1:5-7 For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.

A virtuous person is one who has high moral standards, and acts with integrity, honesty, and morality, and importantly, even when no one is looking. The Apostle Peter tells us we are to “make every effort” to supplement our “faith with virtue,” meaning it doesn’t come naturally, even for Christians. Notice that Peter puts virtue before knowledge, but virtue with self-control leads to godliness. This godliness allows God to love others through us.

Proverbs 10:9 Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out.

When the Bible mentions “walk” or “walking,” it is referring to a lifestyle, so whoever lives with integrity in life can rest assured they’ll walk securely. There’s a lot more damage that can be done be telling a lie than telling the truth, even to one’s own heart. This means, we must keep our promises, or not make them in the first place. God “honors those who fear the LORD; who swears to his own hurt and does not change” (Psalm 15:4).

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

One way I can get rid of that “song in my head” is to replace it with another, so in this sense, when we’re thinking bad or negative thoughts, it’s time to dwell on virtuous things…things that are honorable, pure, lovely, commendable, and excellent. It’s still up to us to make every effort to “think about these things.”

Proverbs 31:10-11 An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.

To the question, “Who can find” an excellent wife,” I can honestly say I have a virtious wife. Perfect? Of course not, but a godly woman who “opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy” (Prov 31:20). With my own eyes I have seen her as “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue” (Prov 31:26). Her value is far above that of rubies because “a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Prov 31:30b).

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

These are natural by-products of the Holy Spirit. These are godly virtues that we cannot produce of ourselves (John 15:5), and these virtues (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control) are in great demand today.

Proverbs 11:3 The integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them.

By saying “The integrity of the upright guides them,” we could understand that to mean, what they know they must do, they do. Whatever is right guides their decision making. If you know the right thing to do and manage to do it, the consequences will provide a straighter path in life, and one that’s straighter is decidedly safer than one that’s crooked. That’s the treacherous way, and that way destroys many.

James 5:12 But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.

Anything more than “Yes” seems to be an attempt to prove that we mean it. If we swear by something that we have no control over, that cannot guarantee something will or won’t happen. Swearing to do something only puts a person at risk for humiliation when they fail to do it…even though they “swore on their mother’s grave.” A simple yes or no will suffice…and it’s better than trying to add stipulations to it.

First Chronicles 29:17 I know, my God, that you test the heart and have pleasure in uprightness. In the uprightness of my heart I have freely offered all these things, and now I have seen your people, who are present here, offering freely and joyously to you.

This writer has a clean conscience. That’s more difficult to have when you know God knows the heart (1 Sam 16:7), but clearly, we can’t fool God. He tests our hearts, but not so He’ll find out anything new about us, but so we’ll find out new things about us! One thing we know, God is pleased by the righteous virtues of His people. Of course, they’re not sinless or perfect, but they’re striving to live a virtuous life.

Proverbs 19:1 Better is a poor person who walks in his integrity than one who is crooked in speech and is a fool.

Riches can’t help us walk in integrity any more than poverty can, so walking in integrity has nothing to do with a person’s social or financial status. A poor person will do far better in life walking in integrity, in this life and at the judgment, than a rich one will do who walks in his or her own way.

Psalm 41:11-12 By this I know that you delight in me: my enemy will not shout in triumph over me. But you have upheld me because of my integrity, and set me in your presence forever.

God upholds those who walk in integrity. Integrity is even more important in this world with all the corruption there is, so the psalmist sees God’s righteous hand will uphold him throughout life. God also sees His children as being set “in your presence forever,” or as if, it’s as good as done.

Romans 5:7-8 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

I can remember many heroic accounts of someone giving their lives for another or for several people, but I cannot remember someone volunteering to die; even willingly, for someone who’s an known enemy. That’s the virtuous love of God that doesn’t give enemies what they deserve (God’s wrath), but what they need (love, forgiveness). Those are virtues we should endeavor to live.

John 8:46 Which one of you convicts me of sin? If I tell the truth, why do you not believe me?

Who could accuse Jesus of any sin? No one could because He was without sin. Jesus asked the crowds of self-righteous Jews, “Which of you convicts me of sin?” Here was their chance to accuse Jesus of sin, publically, but they were silent in their accusations about Him because He did no sin, and there was no other way that we could be redeemed by God than “with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot” (1 Pet 1:19). It took His perfection to save us.

Luke 23:4 Then Pilate said to the chief priests and the crowds, “I find no guilt in this man.”

Pontius Pilate understood that there was “no guilt in this man,” Jesus Christ. The Son of God was virtuous in every way possible, and Pilate knew that there was no reason to have Him crucified, but rather, Pilate knew the Jews were jealous of Him (Matt 27:18). Even so, Pilate gave into the near-to-riot crowds and had the sinless Son of God put to death.

Conclusion

If you liked these Bible verses about virtue, I hope you’ll share them with your friends. The virtues that the Bible speaks about, and those generated by the Holy Spirit, are like water to a dying and thirsty world. Without these virtues, Christians would be just like the world, but if we have one virtue above others, let it be our love, for it is by our love for one another that the world will know we are His disciples (John 13:34-35).

RiverOL · Mar 13, 2023

The Foolishness of Dating Revenge

I grew up a country music fan, so I get the appeal of breakup revenge. When somebody hurts you, you want to get back at them. You want them to feel what you feel. In a very raw way, you want them to be punished, to have to face negative consequences for treating you the way they did.
With the prominence of social media, the practice of dating revenge can be shared, bragged upon, etc. Just yesterday I saw two or three posts (and at least one other article on a website) about extreme things people did to “get back” at their exes.

Why do we act this way? And let’s be honest, even if we don’t act it out, we are often thinking about how sweet an act of revenge would be. Most of our revenges are not extreme. They run the gambit from blocking them on Twitter to hooking up with their best friend, writing a scathing social media post to destruction of property.
Dating revenge is foolishness. It doesn’t communicate the pain and revenge we are aiming for. It says something else altogether, something we are not trying to say at all.

Knee-Jerk

Love is a risk. An act of vulnerability. A letting go of control, trusting someone to love you back, to care for you, to share life with you.

A breakup signifies a risk gone wrong, at least in the sense that the relationship did not work out.
When this happens, we feel lost and exposed, rejected. And the knee-jerk reaction is to try to do something to regain a sense of control. This is why a “rebound” hookup is such a phenomena – we want some semblance of acceptance, superficial as it may be. We are scared and hurt. The understandable reaction is to change the circumstances so that we can be okay again. So, we try to manipulate, control. We do not want to be the victims of pain, so we try to be the enactors.

The Looking Glass

The problem with all of this is that it does not work. Our pain remains and it remains ours. We can not pass it off to others.
Even worse, what we do is communicate something else entirely. My first reaction whenever I see a story about somebody doing something to get back at an ex is: “kind of proving them right, aren’t you?”

This sounds harsh and I know it is. But if I break up with someone and they do something crazy, I am likely to feel better about myself, not worse. Even if my tires are slashed or there is a scathing comment about me on social media. Those scathing retorts, after all, say more about us than the ex they are aimed at. Nobody in the history of relationships has said, “I broke up with him/her, but then they cursed me out on Twitter (or slept with my best friend, etc.) and I realized I had made a mistake. I regret it to this day.”

You might destroy property or get a rise out of someone, but in the end your act of revenge is likely going to make them feel better about themselves.

Steward of One

The reason all of this is important is because we are often blinded by our pain and our circumstances. And when this is the case, we forget the most important truth of our lives: that stewarding one’s own character is a job only one can do. And our actions reveal our character. So even when we are aiming at others, we are revealing ourselves. We are showing our heart, unearthing our hand.

And I am not suggesting it is not okay to be hurt and angry. That is more than okay. It is justified and the most proper response to being rejected. But you cannot control being rejected by others. What you can control is how you respond. Said another way: you cannot control who other people are but you can control who you are.

RiverOL · Mar 14, 2023

Anatomy of an Adventure

[ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . unless a grain of wheat falls . . . and dies, it remains alone;
but if it dies, it bears much fruit—John 12:24

When men head off, toward something in the distance, toward something good and worthy—but also into unknown obstacles, detours, deprivations, dangers—those are adventures. We tend to think of them as journeys of ascent, like climbing to a summit. But are they, really? Aren’t adventures actually journeys of descent? And, actually, doesn’t therein lay their power? Our culture teaches that ascending brings us life: ascending in school; our careers; our social standing; in the sizes of our houses and our bank accounts. Our King, Jesus Christ, teaches the opposite. He teaches that we come alive, instead, by descending. And he teaches that we come alive by listening to God, trusting God, and relying on God.

That’s why adventures are so important. On them, we descend voluntarily. We forgo “comfortable” and “secure.” We welcome discomfort and danger. We relinquish control—all toward a far off, good and worthy goal. We put ourselves, quite literally, in the hands of God. On adventures, we allow him to teach and shape us, awaken and recharge us.

Jesus’ road to the cross was the ultimate adventure. He set upon something of immeasurable goodness and worth. He faced obstacles, detours, deprivations, dangers. He descended . . . but he didn’t do it so we wouldn’t have to. He descended to show us how. “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 10:39).

Okay, so what do we do?

Adventures are all around—great opportunities to descend into situations that’ll make you apprehensive, that’ll make your heart pound even: walking beside someone who isn’t at all like you, but needs your help nonetheless; confessing to brothers that thing you’ve never confessed to anyone; giving monetarily, until it hurts. Take some time, today—notice the adventures around you. Then, pick one and go.

RiverOL · Mar 15, 2023

Think Before You Ask

Dear Shaunti:
I just got married to a great guy who has always loved my inquisitive, problem-solving nature. Or at least he used to. Lately, he has been getting more and more annoyed with it. He shuts down so easily. Or if I ask a simple question he acts as if it is the ultimate disloyalty. For example, our landlord has been giving us grief and is unfairly threatening to throw us out, and today when my husband suggested an idea for dealing with it, I threw out a couple of alternatives. He got so upset, he had to go drive around for half an hour to calm down. All of this makes me incredibly nervous: am I not allowed to ask questions anymore? Who is this man that I married?

-Disquieted Bride
Dear Disquieted,
I’m guessing this man is the same person you fell in love with – and that he’s the one wondering “Who is this woman that I married?”
Neither of you are right or wrong in this, but it is really important that at least one of you is willing to realize that something you’re doing is upsetting the other – and take steps to break the cycle. For now, let’s assume that is you.

It is one thing for your future husband to know that you have an inquisitive nature. It’s a completely different matter to live with it every day. From personal experience (ahem) I’m guessing that you’ve probably even heard your husband complain that how you say things comes across not as inquisitive but as the Inquisition. And if you’re like I was, you probably don’t understand what on earth he means by that!
First, remember just how much your husband needs to feel that you trust and respect him, and how easy it is for him to feel that you don’t. If he’s like most guys, feeling that you don’t is incredibly painful – and the most common response is anger and withdrawal. Sound familiar?

One way you or I or any woman can inadvertently signal “I don’t trust you” is by processing out loud when our man (or even our boss at work) comes to us and says “I think we should do such-and-such.” You see, we think of his comment as a starting-point suggestion, and throw out alternatives to move the discussion down the road. That is how we process things. But in my research it was clear that most men absolutely do not process things in that way. In fact, because they usually process stuff – especially very important stuff! — internally, by the time they say anything, it is not a “suggestion” but a plan into which they have put a lot of very detailed thought.

The dilemma, of course, is that when he presents his conclusion, that is the first we have heard it! So we ask questions and raise all sorts of issues, because that is how we reach our best, most thorough decision. Yet for him, our spontaneous verbal feedback can easily come across as questioning his judgment and “picking something apart.”
More dangerously, because we sometimes casually throw around language like, “Well that’s silly, we should just do it this way,” we can, without meaning to, tell him that after three days of thinking something through, his conclusion was “silly.”

Either way, he feels disrespected and inadequate. It is painful. And that is why he gets upset and shifts into silent mode.
What’s the answer? Well, you certainly don’t need to try to be a guy and process everything internally. After all, God made you to be the verbal processor you are. But you also don’t want to hurt your husband or feel like you have to walk on eggshells either.

I’d strongly suggest that you do two things: both help your new husband understand how you need to process things, and be very aware of how he does.
At some other (non-emotional) time, explain that when you hear his conclusions for the first time, you need to discuss it in order to think about it. Let him know that when you ask questions or throw out alternatives you are in no way picking his suggestion apart, but simply thinking it through out loud, in the way he has already thought it through internally.

But then, since there’s no way around the fact that what you say “out loud” can be quite painful, be very careful of how you say it. It turns out the old “think before you speak” lesson your parents taught you in grade school will be a huge help here.

So, when your husband says, “Let’s do this,” instead of spitting out the first thing that comes to your mind, consider always saying something like, “Oh, that’s an interesting idea,” and talking through one or two positive points about his idea before asking questions. This will help signal, right up front, that you don’t think he’s an idiot. Then you can say something like, “Honey, I’m not disagreeing with you, but I just need to talk this through and ask some questions in order to process it. Is that okay with you?”
All this will go a long way toward restoring his faith that the inquisitive woman he loves is still there – just as loyal as always – and that this truly is not the Inquisition.

RiverOL · Mar 16, 2023

Speaking the Truth Can Transform Your Relationship

Relationships are hard. We try all sorts of different things to make them better. Even in the best of relationships, struggle and perseverance are inevitable. We encounter challenges at every corner. We cannot escape them, but we try to work through them with activities and ideas that keep the passion going, remind us of the purpose of relationship, and rekindle the joy of togetherness.
Perhaps the one thing that will transform a relationship more than anything else is a simple, easy, obvious practice. State the truth.

Truth is elusive in our relationships. There are walls of perception and face-saving excuses. Blaming practices and a fear of conflict. But the courage and commitment to say the truth is vital for relationships and here is why:

Not So Obvious

When we were on the World Race, it was required for our team to meet every night and talk about the day. We gave each other “feedback” about where we saw successes and failures in each other. It was painful and awkward, but was also one of the keys to developing trust, intimacy, and unity. Of course, for some teams it was done so poorly, it destroyed them. That is the great fear. But it doesn’t have to be so. The alternative is stale apathy.

One of the Race teams did a thing called Obvious Feedback. They spent a night telling each other about all the great things they see in one another. The obvious things.

We have a guy in our NYC community group that is so incredible at inviting people to group. He’s our evangelist. He has a gift for relationships. It is so clear to all of us. But to him, it doesn’t seem that big of a deal. He, like all of us, doesn’t think he is doing anything special.
This is how speaking the truth can transform a relationship. Tell your wife how much you adore her laugh. Tell her over and over. Tell your husband how great he is at X, Y, or Z.

People do not see truth the same way you do, especially concerning themselves. There are people in this world wildly empathetic, charismatic, bold, and wise who have no idea of the gifts they are walking in. Everyone around assumes they hear it all the time, but maybe they don’t. Be the one to share truth. State it. Say it. What is obvious to you may not be obvious to them.

The Humbling Truth

There is nothing more important to relationship than truth. We need to run toward it. State how we feel, what we think, and what we see in others. Bringing the truth to light breeds health. Even if it causes some hurt and confusion, if stewarded properly it ends in thriving.

And remember that truth is a two way street. Just like the people in the stories above, you have a hard time seeing some obvious truth! It goes both ways. There are things about you, both positive and negative, that you are blind to. Obvious things. And you need a community to call them out, to help you trim and inflame respectively. Truth flows in both directions. And tapping into it is the lifeblood of relationships.
Start speaking the truth today. Start with the clear and obvious. Say it every time you see it, over and over again. It will transform both you and your relationships.

RiverOL · Mar 17, 2023

5 Ways to Heal From a Breakup and Learn to Trust Again

Karen, 48, sat on the sofa in my office and recalled the details of her recent divorce saying, “I didn’t realize how hard it would be when I made a decision to leave James last year. It has taken me over a year to be able to talk about him to my friends without some regrets. Even though we bickered constantly and he was emotionally abusive, it’s been hard to let go and move on.”

The reality is that breakups are hard. We have all faced them and been challenged by letting go of the why and how things could have gone differently. Goodbyes are never easy regardless of who initiates the breakup. However, it is better to let someone go than staying with a partner out of insecurity, guilt, or fear of being alone.

The Grieving Process
After a breakup, it is normal for self-defeating thoughts to invade your thinking because you’re vulnerable and trying to make sense of things. However, it is crucial that you keep things in perspective.
Losing a partner, even if you made a decision to end the relationship, can disrupt your life on so many levels because your ex-partner was undoubtedly a part of your daily existence. As a result, breakups can weaken your ability to sleep, eat well, and function at work and in social spheres.

Like most people, Karen experienced feelings of rejection, anger, sadness, guilt and regret after her divorce. She mistrusted others – questioning their intentions and actions. While others saw her as a strong, self-confident person who was in control of her emotions, her feelings where in flux and her identity was in question. Since she had been a wife for almost ten years, it took time for her to regain her sense of self after her marriage ended.

Diminished Sense of Self
Truth be told, studies have discovered that experiencing a breakup can leave you with a diminished sense of self or self-concept (those things that make you unique). Your identity was incorporated with my partner’s sense of self. As a result, you probably morphed into someone else and had to redefine yourself after your marriage ended.
Letting go of a romantic partner involves becoming more aware of the feelings and memories that hold us back. Lisa Arends explains, “Getting over someone is a process of repeated exposure to the triggers and the desensitization of their influence. As time passed and I faced each trigger again and again, they lost their power and their hold. The emotions have faded. But the memories remain.”

Learning to Trust Again
Learning to trust is one of the biggest challenges that individuals face after divorce. Experiencing the breakup of your intimate relationships or marriage can intensify trust issues. Because of your past, you might approach relationships warily and come to expect the worst. It may seem at times as if you’re wired to recreate the past. However, with courage and persistence, you can learn to trust again and restore your faith in love.

The breakup a relationship or marriage can set the stage for feelings of mistrust – even if you’ve never had trust issues previously. After an intimate relationship ends, especially if you’ve endured infidelity, it’s normal to doubt your ability to trust yourself and others.
Meeting someone new and dating again can be invigorating but scary at the same time. An inability to trust a new partner may take on several forms – ranging from feeling they are dishonest or secretive or doubting they are going to keep their promises or be dependable.

Taking an inventory of how your feelings of mistrust may be impacting your behavior can help you gain a healthier viewpoint. Are you neglecting your health, interests, family, or friends due to grieving the loss of your marriage? It’s important not to fall prey to a victim mentality and to make self-care a priority.
Here are 5 ways to heal from a breakup and restore trust in others:

1. Acknowledge and accept your feelings about the breakup. This includes your emotional reactions such as sadness, anger, fear, and guilt. They’ve probably been there all along (in your relationship) and intensify during and after the breakup or divorce process.

2. Observe what’s going on in your life. This includes some examination of your part in the relationship ending. Are you taking care of yourself physically and emotionally? If not, devise a plan to nurture yourself and get your physical well-being restored such as counseling, exercise, and eating a balanced diet.
3. Challenge Mistrustful thoughts. Ask yourself: is my lack of trust due to my ex-partner’s actions or my own issues; or both? Learning to trust is a skill that develops over time. With courage and persistence, you can turn hurts from past betrayals into lessons.
4. Adopt a perspective that focuses on seeing relationships as teachers. We learn a lot about ourselves from a breakup and can approach a new relationship with our eyes wide open.
5. Cultivate supportive relationships and new interests. Being with people who accept and support you can help ease feelings of rejection. Get energized by a new hobby and invite a friend to join you. Consider something that causes you to go outside your comfort zone such as ballroom dancing or photography.
Developing a positive mindset is crucial to divorce recovery. Your breakup or divorce doesn’t have to define who you are. You can take control of your life and move forward to a more fulfilling life. Although it may be hard to understand it at the time, a breakup or divorce can be a catalyst for change and you can discover new aspects of yourself in the process.

RiverOL · Mar 18, 2023

3 Important Lessons I Learned About Marriage From the Colgate Pump

I learned three important lessons about expectations in marriage from the Colgate Pump.
Yep, I’m talking about toothpaste.
Expectations in marriage are a huge source of disagreement and disappointment.
Let me explain. When we married, I had a fundamental problem with my husband’s expectations about how to get toothpaste out of the tube.

Thank God for the Colgate Pump

I squeezed the tube in the middle (or at the end or wherever I picked it up).
My husband preferred that we squeeze starting at the very end so that we could neatly roll up the empty portion of the tube as we used it.
The way I saw it: Toothpaste still comes out no matter where you squeeze the tube.
The bottom line: He expected me to squeeze the tube his way. I expected him to squeeze the tube mine.
Thank God for the Colgate Pump. Just push the trigger on top. No squeezing required.
And, here we are, happily sharing the same tube of toothpaste 33 years later.
In marriage, like with toothpaste, I expected to get something out of it with very little effort.

Good marriages don’t happen by accident

Good marriages are built when couples focus on the kind of relationship they want.
I learned three great lessons about expectations in marriage from the Colgate Pump:
1. There’s not a right way and a wrong way
There’s your way, his way and the right way. The “right” way is the way you both agree something will be done. Just because your husband does something different doesn’t mean he’s wrong. When you try to change him, he may feel like you’re trying to control him.

He may fold laundry or load the dishwasher differently than you do. Trying to change him hardly ever works and may create a barrier to emotional intimacy.
2. Don’t tell him what’s wrong and expect him to fix it
You think if you just tell him how he’s screwing up, he’ll change. (I’ve tried this.) Makes perfect sense to you. So, you talk and talk, but he doesn’t change. You tell him what you’ve learned from podcasts you’ve listened to. You may even recommend counseling. The only thing that changes is your frustration level. Telling him what’s wrong with him, will not motivate him to change anything.

3. Instead of engaging in battle, look for solutions
No matter what the problem, if you are both bent on finding a solution, you’ll move through conflict much easier. It’s easy to play the blame game instead of trying to find ways to solve a problem. If your goal is to break down intimacy in your marriage, focus on the problems, not the solution.
Strong marriages don’t just happen. They’re built when couples are solution oriented instead of problem focused.
Toothpaste is a silly thing. But toothpaste wasn’t the root of the problem. We weren’t meeting each other’s expectations.
When expectations go unmet, intimacy breaks down, and a silly thing like toothpaste can squeeze the life right out of your marriage.

RiverOL · Mar 19, 2023

How failure distinguishes “good” and “bad” shame

I’m written several posts extolling the potential positive benefits of shame, especially with respect to morality and character transformation (such as here and here). Surely, some people struggle to think of shame as something “good.” So, we need to ask the question, “What distinguishes good and bad shame?”

Haven’t researchers, like Brene Brown, clearly proven that shame is destructive and detrimental? According to two researchers, Colin Leach and Atilla Cidam, the answer to that question is, “Yes but also no.”
They conducted a meta-analysis of 90 independent samples of people, drawn from 71 separate studies, which included a total of 12,364 participants. A meta-analysis is an analysis of various analyses. These are gold chests for researchers like me.

A peculiar observation emerged. The predominant view of shame says that shame is a negative emotion that leads to avoidance and other unhealthy responses. However, numerous studies have demonstrated a seemingly contradictory view. In latter suggest that shame spurs several constructive, prosocial responses. So, which is it? Does shame tear people down or build us up?

What is the nature of your failure?

Leach and Cidam had a hunch. They tested their hypothesis through a meta-analysis. They identified a key reason why previous studies seem to conflict in their findings. In articles that reinforce the dominant view of shame as avoidant or anti-social, Leach and Cidam observed that the failures evoking shame were irreparable. They write, “the prevailing view’s emphasis of a fundamentally flawed self appears to focus on failures that are likely to be viewed as less reparable.”

What is a “less reparable” failure? It includes failures where “those most affected cannot be approached because they are physically unavailable.” Also, a failure cannot be repaired when the offender feels they have little ability to improve him/herself or their behavior.
By contrast, they argue “that shame should motivate improvement of the self or prosocial efforts aimed at improving the state of those affected, when one’s failure appears to be more reparable.” In addition, they note, “Participants reported wanting to change themselves more when they felt shame rather than guilt or regret.” In fact,

“Those with induced shame wanted to improve their performance more and actually chose more often to engage in a task that enabled this when they were led to believe that they were likely to improve upon their failure.”

In short, shame spurs constructive, prosocial responses when a person feels that can do something about their failure.

A Noteworthy Exception…

There is an important exception to this pattern. The fact that a failure is irreparable does not mean shame results in a spiral of avoidance and destructive behavior. Shame has a constructive use when people perceive the opportunity to repair their social image. They summarize,

“Even in cases where a failure appears less reparable, people’s social image in the eyes of others may appear reparable. As failure can pose a serious threat to one’s social image, shame in the context of less reparable failure should motivate constructive approach in an effort to preserve or repair one’s social image in the eyes of those aware of one’s failure.”

Shame versus Guilt

Authors go back and forth debating whether we can properly distinguish shame from guilt. Leach and Cidam’s insights offer a helpful nuance. They write,

“We believe that the similarities and differences between shame and guilt may be best understood as contingent on whether failure appears more or less reparable. As we expect shame to be linked to greater approach when failure appears more reparable, shame should be highly similar to guilt in such instances… shame and guilt should be most distinct when failure appears less reparable and shame is likely to be negatively linked to constructive approach orientation.”

In other words, the degree to which we can separate guilt from shame is contingent on the nature of the failure. If it is reparable, guilt and shame function in similar, constructive ways.
What do you think? Do their findings resonate with you? What questions do you have? What would you add?

RiverOL · Mar 20, 2023

A CHRISTIAN IS ODD FOR GOD: A Study in 1 Peter

Most non-Christians see Christians as odd. Giving your money to God is odd. Not having sex outside of marriage is odd. Not getting drunk or high is odd. Forgiving your enemy is odd. And, having a personal relationship with someone you cannot see sounds like kids having an imaginary friend, and that’s really odd.
Conversely, living in this world as a Christian is odd for us. Paying for insurance that covers murdering babies but not taking vitamins is odd.

Paying the public schools to undermine most of your values is odd. Paying for politicians to erode your freedoms to live out your faith is odd. Seeing the rainbow God chose as the sign of the Noahic covenant to never flood this sinful planet again is odd to see on guys dressed up like the Village People. Constantly being invited to pride parades, the very problem that got Satan kicked out of heaven and unleashed hell on the earth, is also odd.

Living as a Christian, feeling odd, in a world that considers you odd, is an odd place to be. This is why 1 Peter was written and why we need to study it. After years of wearing a reversible jersey and repeatedly changing from Team Jesus to not Team Jesus, as a seasoned older man Peter had finally learned some lessons the hard way and was ready to coach the new members of Team Jesus. Peter’s lesson is that our life is filled with troubles, trials and temptations that cause problems, pains, and perils. The good news, however, is that, like a gardener, God uses the manure of this world as fertilizer to increase the fruitfulness of our lives in four ways:

Your test is for your testimony.

“You have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” (1 Peter 1:6–7)
“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.” (1 Peter 4:12)
“The Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials.” (2 Peter 2:9)

When people judge you, don’t worry as Jesus will judge them and vindicate you.

“And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one’s deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile.” (1 Peter 1:17)
“They will give account to him who is ready to judge the living and the dead.” (1 Peter 4:5)
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:10)
“But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.” (1 Peter 4:13)

Don’t treat them as they treat you, treat them as He treats you.

“When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.” (1 Peter 2:23)
“Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.” (1 Peter 2:12)
“In your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame.” (1 Peter 3:15–16)

This is as close to hell as you will ever get, so keep going ‘til you’re Home.

“. . . in the sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ . . .” (1 Peter 1:2)
“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory.” (1 Peter 1:6–8)
“His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence.” (2 Peter 1:3)
“But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen.” (2 Peter 3:18)

To encourage someone is to put courage into them. At some point, every Christian needs courage to continue to stand up for Christ in our falling down world. You need courage if you want to live with, for, and like Christ. The Perfect Spirit says it perfectly through the imperfect Peter, “My purpose in writing is to encourage you and assure you that what you are experiencing is truly part of God’s grace for you.

Stand firm in this grace” (1 Peter 5:12 NLT). Like any soldier in a battle, you need to stand firm and hold your ground until you see Jesus coming on the clouds of Heaven riding a white horse wielding His sword to end the battle. For those who want it, God’s grace is available to put steel in your spine as it did Peter. Life is odd. God is good. That’s the message of Peter.

RiverOL · Mar 21, 2023

Perfect Practice Makes Sorta Closer to Perfect

During Covidtide, my professional project has been improving my organ playing. So I found me a good teacher and a couple of churches to let me practice on their organs. It’s fun, but it’s hard. I’m no spring chicken. My bad keyboard habits have been reinforced by years of lousy Billy Graham Crusade-style piano playing. The neuroplasticity is at an all-time low. But still, it’s important for any serious liturgically-minded church music director. So I sit and practice.

And practice.
And practice.
One measure.
Then another.
Then back to the first.

Today I was working on a new-to-me piece. It’s one of my favorite voluntaries, and I’d give anything to be able to play it well.
I had already been at it for quite some time, building it from the ground up. Pedal, left hand, then left hand and pedal together. Penciling in fingerings and pedalings, then erasing those and writing in new ones. Metronome app open on my phone, tick-tocking away.

Then the custodian enters, sweeping, mopping, tidying, tending to God’s house with diligence and care. All while I keep hacking away on the little 30-year-old digital number. At some point I began to ponder what she was probably thinking. I was playing the same bit over and over, de- and reconstructing. It didn’t sound much like music. It wasn’t beautiful. Its wasn’t the thrilling end result I want to achieve.

She didn’t say anything, of course, but I was thinking that if it were me, I would have lost patience within the first five minutes of listening to me playing. “Are you ever going to finish,” is probably what I would say out of annoyance.
I’m not finished, of course. I’m a long way from being where I need to be. But this is my work, and though there is often joy to be found, today it feels especially like work. It isn’t fun right now. I’m doing it purely out of discipline and hope.

And so it is with worship.
Friends, if you find yourself in a church that is all fun, one that seeks to be relevant to you and your wishes, one that never feels like work, you’re in the wrong place. Worship is a discipline to which we subject ourselves out of reverence and obligation. And if you’re in a church that does liturgy well, that prays with intention and sobriety, that proclaims the Gospel diligently in Word and Sacrament, you will likely find yourself stirred and lifted at times. In fact, you probably should sometimes.
But it’s hard work. We aren’t finished yet, thanks be to God. Not only are our lives not “performance ready,” we can barely make any music on our own. We need the practice of liturgy, to submit our will and affections before the Gospel of Christ. He’s the only one who can make us perfect. He will make us performance ready, sinful and undeserving though we be.

The seeker movements of the past half century have been disastrous for evangelicalism. Worship that is human-centric, a carefully-crafted theatrical performance designed for a target audience, cannot bear fruit. It cannot build a healthy church. Jesus, not people, must be at the center
Lukewarm Protestant worship, bearing some semblance of historic worship but that reads like a seminar on how to behave ethically according to some vague Judeo-Christian standard cannot cut it either. Such churches should change their name to the United Way and be done with it. Jesus is more than a model of nice behavior.

Neither one of these models can fully enculturate people into the kingdom of God. It’s like practicing the wrong notes, or playing through a piece once and putting it away.
In worship, we must be fully submitted to the gospel, to praying it, singing it, listening to it, and allowing it to soak into our hearts and minds. And the liturgy we practice must be true, it must be rigorous, it must be bathed in Holy Scripture. It must be a ritual worth doing.
We may never play the piece very well. But we must practice it the best we can.

RiverOL · Mar 22, 2023

On Jesus Christ as Jesus THE Christ

“Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, and Timothy our brother” (Col 1:1).

How should we read “Christ Jesus”? While the Greek word Christos may function as a proper name, I do not think it has lost all of its titular or honorific significance (see Matthew Novenson on the “honorific” side). In certain places Christos is clearly intended as a Greek translation for the Hebrew masiah and the Aramaic mesiha from which we get “Messiah.”

Indeed, Christ Jesus/Jesus Christ arguably evokes a titular sense of “Jesus the Messiah” and perhaps even an implied confession of “Jesus is the Messiah” as well. Such a title or confession conjures up an implied narrative about the life, death, and exaltation of Jesus. In other words, Messiah Jesus or Jesus Messiah is essentially an encoded reference to the status and story of Jesus of Nazareth as the King of Israel and exalted Lord of the world.

RiverOL · Mar 23, 2023

7 Real Reasons Why People Are Turning to God

God is on the move. Two thousand years ago Jesus made a promise to Peter, “I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it” (Matthew 16:18), and he has been doing that ever since. This past weekend at the amazing church I get to pastor we were privileged to baptize six individuals, people who have made a decision to place their trust in Jesus and go public with that faith through water baptism. With each baptism we ask the individual to share a little bit of their story as an encouragement to those who celebrate with them. Why are people turning to God? Here are seven real reasons, from the very words these precious individuals shared with our church:

1. Influence of family. Parenting is a sacred opportunity not just to shape a life but to shape a soul and teach children the truth about the God that loves them. For many who turn to God, their primary influence is their family. As one wrote, “My mom always taught me about God and tried to take us to church. I remember our family praying together to get a house and God answered our prayer.”

2. Exposure to church. Simply showing up to church on a regular basis can have a profound impact on your life and faith. If a church can create a warm, welcoming environment where people are accepted and embraced, lives can be changed! As one wrote, “Listening to the sermons helped me understand more about faith in Christ and what it means to be a Christian.”

3. Taking Jesus to their world. More than simply waiting for lost people to go to us, four of the six baptized this past Sunday made a decision to trust Jesus because Jesus was brought to them in their world: their school. Through an after school program led by our church volunteers, the gospel is shared on a regular basis. As several wrote, “This year at Good News Club, I prayed to receive Jesus as my Savior.”

4. Inability to find purpose and meaning on their own. Ecclesiastes 3:11 states that God has placed eternity within our hearts, spurring us on a life-long quest for meaning and purpose, which ultimately finds its fulfillment in God Himself. As one wrote, “What describes my life before Christ is that I was lost. I had no sense of direction until I started seeking for God.”

5. Overwhelmed by the pressures of life. We all come to an end of ourselves, when we are at the bottom, drowning in the overwhelmingness of life. In those moments of need, our hearts are naturally drawn upwards towards God. As one wrote, “I faced a lot of difficulties and problems which made me go into deep depression. Life was so hard and I was under lots of pressure. I was desperately looking for something to help me feel better, but nothing worked.” Even though he originally grew up in a different religion, this man’s desperation led him to accept an invite to church.

6. The invitation of a friend. Never underestimate the power of a simple invitation. For you it might be a habit or even an afterthought, but God has a way of divinely orchestrating life-changing events through a simple invitation. As one wrote, the moment his life changed was the moment when “one of my coworkers invited me to go with him to church.”

7. Realization of who God is. Since God has placed eternity in our hearts, God is always working in us, always drawing us to Himself. Through a myriad of different opportunities, God will reveal Himself to us. As one shared, “I really didn’t start thinking about God until I got older. As I got older I realized that God is important and I started to believe more in Him.”

Be aware of what God is doing around you. Look for people who are hurting because they need the hope you have found in Jesus. Never underestimate the power of an invitation, because God is always working!

QUESTION: What reason, circumstance or influence brought you to faith in Jesus?

RiverOL · Mar 24, 2023

How to Destroy an Idol

By definition, an idol is something that is not true. Something to which we allow inaccurate importance, improper worship, and/or undue worth.
We all have idols in our lives. Some of our idols have made plain their inadequacies and we are fighting every day to rid ourselves of their hold. Others have promises on loan that we are clinging tightly to. Idols are a poison in our lives because they are untrue. They cause us to drift from reality, from the value of truth. They pervert our worldview and our ability to self-assess. Idols highjack our purpose and subvert our relationships.

They must be destroyed. But getting rid of an idol is like kicking an addiction. It is much harder than it seems. Even when we know it is destructive, it can be hard to let go. Here are a few tips for destroying an idol.

The Naming

It might sound simple, but naming your idol accurately is an essential step. One of the things we love to do is hide our idols behind symptoms or false names. That way we can attack people or circumstances, political agendas or less precious weaknesses without having to truly risk our false love.

This is why we develop victim mentality, blame, and defensive walls. We focus on our circumstances rather than our idols. Because the truth is, we want to rid ourselves of the negative realities our idols have brought into our lives while still clinging to the hopes and promises the idol provides. We are double-minded. And so, we treat the symptoms rather than the disease. We imagine our struggle is against this person at work rather than our idol of control. We imagine our battle is with people who disagree with us rather than the idol of comfort.

Humans are so good at self-deception. If we want to destroy an idol, we have to face it down. Idols fester in darkness. As scary as it is, you have to bring it to the light in order to destroy it.

Re-Frame the Narrative

All of our idols have one thing in common – they are a perversion of something good we desire. That is why they are so hard to let go of. They have just enough of a hint of truth to keep us hooked.

If you want to destroy an idol, figure out what good thing it is you are really after. Is it belonging or acceptance? Purpose or peace? Your idol is a false path to a good destination. It is the trick of idolatry. The idol of performance won’t gain the acceptance you truly desire. Just look at celebrities mired in scandal, divorce, and drug addiction. Most lottery winners (something like 85%) end up bankrupt and wishing the whole thing never happened. Sex isn’t the prerequisite for love (it’s the other way around). Controlling circumstances won’t bring you peace. Convincing people you are perfect won’t force them to love you.

We need to recalibrate our narrative. The journey needs to align properly with the destination. If you are struggling with an idol, figure out what you are truly after and scoot back to square one. What is the proper, healthy, legitimate way to reach that end? No shortcuts, no tricks, no lies. What are you after and how do you really get there?
Idols also have a tendency to jump. They change masks and rename themselves. What was once performance now turns into malaise. What was once an aggressive kind of power turns into a subtle kind of manipulation. Truth is your friend. And truth is the only thing that will chase these idols away for good, even as they try their chameleon tricks on you.

The Mood Curve
All idols feast on one lie – there is an easier way. You don’t have to suffer and struggle. It doesn’t have to be so hard. You don’t have to thrive or be confused.

Purpose is hard work. Living a dream takes effort. Thankfulness is a perspective not a perfect alignment of external situations. If you start to accept that struggles are a part of the journey, neither a definitive end or an avoidable inconvenience, your idols will find themselves on wobbly legs.

Your idols won’t give up without a fight. They have lied well to earn their spot in your life. It is not circumstance or setting that destroys idols, it is perspective. Adopting a proper perspective is not easy. As you try, you will find your idols put up a fight in defense. But a commitment to your true values and the true path to get you there will see those liars slowly exposed and destroyed.

RiverOL · Mar 25, 2023

My Husband Cheated. He Doesn’t Admit Anything Unless He’s Caught. What Do I Do?

This is part of an ongoing Q&A series on “Counseling For Infidelity.” If your marriage has been rocked by an affair, if your spouse cheated, please attend our free webinar for Patheos readers, provided by Your Family Expert.

Q: My husband cheated. He only admitted to an affair after I found out the truth. He never came clean with me. He shows with his actions that he is sorry, but he doesn’t ever want to talk about the past. I’m so confused. He isn’t opening to counseling and doesn’t believe it will help. What should I say to him?
A: Your husband is ashamed, it sounds like, and wants this to stay in the past. Doesn’t want counseling. Doesn’t believe it will help. Why doesn’t he believe it will help? Has he had bad counseling before?
What I would say to him, if I were in your shoes, is “I love you. I understand you’re ashamed. I understand you want to leave this in the past. With all due respect, you don’t get to set the terms. You don’t get to break me and then tell me what I do or don’t need to heal. When you cheated, you were putting your needs before mine and when you refuse infidelity marriage counseling or you refuse to get help, you’re putting your needs before mine again.

“And I don’t think that’s what you want to be doing. I believe you really want us to thrive and you want us to be okay and I, and I do believe that you care about me, but if I know in my heart that we need counseling to get through this and you’re saying, no we don’t do you see that’s putting your knees before mine and I as the person who was hurt, I get to establish the terms because I’m the one who knows what I need to heal and what I need to trust you again and I know you want to leave this in the past. This is the only way to leave it in the past is not to jump over it but to go through it, work through it, and overcome it.”
God bless you. I know He can make all things new, including your marriage (see Revelation 21:5). A good infidelity therapist, at Your Family Expert or elsewhere, can help.

RiverOL · Mar 26, 2023

5 Things Your Man Needs More Than Sex

1. He needs RESPECT.

Respect is like oxygen for men. It keeps him alive, in a manner of speaking. And helps him thrive. Popeye needs spinach. Your husband needs respect. It’s the thing that makes him who he is. It’s almost like a magic serum to his soul. When he feels respected, he feels like he can conquer the world. He’s full of optimism and hope. He can handle tasks he otherwise might not think he can. He’ll care for you better, love you more passionately and see the world through a positive lens.

2. He needs to know you’re HAPPY and CARED for.

JOIN A COMMUNITY OF WIVES JUST LIKE YOU,

TRYING TO GET THIS WIFE THING DOWN

That old adage “Happy Wife, Happy Wife” is not a myth. It’s truer than we think. When you feel happy and secure, your husband feels happy. He wants to care for you. Your happiness gives him great comfort. When he feels powerless to make you happy, he’ll struggle. Men are natural “fixers.” He may even try to find ways to make you happy or fix your problems. Sometimes he sees your happiness as a direct reflection of him. (Like when your kids misbehave, you see that as a direct reflection of your parenting.) He’ll struggle to find ways to make you happy because when you’re happy, he’s happy.

3. He needs to create a LEGACY.

He needs to know he’s contributed something to his time on earth that’ll live beyond him. He wants to be challenged and inspired but he wants to know what he’s doing will influence others long after he’s gone. He wants to make a difference.

JOIN A COMMUNITY OF WIVES JUST LIKE YOU,

TRYING TO GET THIS WIFE THING DOWN

4. He needs to find healthy ways to LET GO of his anger.

Men process emotions as anger. Seems strange to me, but they do. They express loneliness, sadness, hurt, or inadequacy as anger. He might try the “look-at-me-I’m-all-cocky” route and internalize stuff. That only works for so long. Eventually, he’ll explode. And we’re left scratching our heads thinking “what’s his problem?” One way men can deal with anger is by dealing with things and issues that have hurt them in the past. You may or may not have been involved in the incident. They need to find ways to forgive people who’ve hurt them or they may be consumed with rage and revenge. You can’t make peace with your husband’s past for him. He’ll need to seek ways to come to terms with his past. Everyone wants to be understood. You can try to understand why he feels the way he does and support him when he gets help.

5, He needs time to THINK.

As women, we need time to feel all the feels. He needs time to think all the thinks. Sometimes I’ll ask my husband a question and he’ll take longer to respond than I’d like. Or he’ll say, “I need some time to process that.” I used to think he was avoiding talking to me or choosing to ignore me, which would really tick me off. In reality, he’s actually reflecting on what I’ve said and determining how to best answer me. My husband is an early riser so he does his thinking early without interruptions. In addition to thinking, he also prays, reads his Bible and considers solutions to challenges. After a time of reflection, he feels recharged and energized. Your guy may need time at the end of the day. Whenever he needs it, try to understand, it’s part of his make-up. He’ll be a better husband for it.
When his needs are met, he’s at a better operating level. And he’ll be more eager to meet your needs as a result.

RiverOL · Mar 27, 2023

5 Purposes God Created You For

We were created for a very specific purpose, and here are four specific purposes for which God created you.

To Glorify God

Everything was created for a purpose…including us. The Bible is clear about one of our purposes, and that is that we are to glorify God. For example, if we get into trouble, we are told to “call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me” (Psalm 50:15). The psalmist knew that it was “Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness” (Psalm 115:1). Answered prayer gives God glory, so the Lord our God is to be praised and we should seek to glorify His name. We certainly have nothing to boast or brag about.

The Lord says, “I am the LORD; that is my name; my glory I give to no other, nor my praise to carved idols” (Isaiah 42:8). If you look at the creation, you can see for yourself that “The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork” (Psalm 19:1), so rightfully we should say, “O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens” (Psalm 8:1). The first purpose for which we were created was to give God glory and make His glory known to others, which brings us to our second purpose…we were created to make disciples for Christ.

To Make Disciples

When Jesus gave the Great Commission, which in essence is an imperative command, He didn’t give them a second option or Plan B. He said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me” (Matt 28:18b), and since God has given Jesus all authority in heaven and on earth, He is passing this authority on to them, which is why He can say, “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit” (Matt 28:19). That doesn’t mean everyone that they share Christ with will become disciples of Christ.

They are only told to go and make disciples, but it is generally understood that God will use them as a means to make disciples (Acts 2:47), and He did. He sent them into different parts of the world to bring the gospel since they had God’s authority, but the Commission is not quite finished yet. Jesus tells them that they are to be “teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age” (Matt 28:20).

Teaching of His Glory

You don’t have to go very far to find out what Jesus taught His disciples (Gospels), and what He taught them to observe (i.e. John 13:34-35), but it’s more than just making disciples. It’s teaching them to observe the same things we learned in the New Testament. So how does making disciples glorify God? The more there are to worship and praise God in the kingdom, the more glory He will receive. In a prophetic Scripture, the psalmist writes, “All the nations you have made shall come and worship before you, O Lord, and shall glorify your name” (Psalm86:9).

In the kingdom, “they [will] sing the song of Moses, the servant of God, and the song of the Lamb” (Rev 15:3a), asking, “Who will not fear, O Lord, and glorify your name? For you alone are holy. All nations will come and worship you, for your righteous acts have been revealed” (Rev 15:4). That is one of our purposes. It is to bring as many to Christ as the Lord our God will save, knowing that He alone saves (Acts 4:12), but He is still pleased to use us as a means to save some.

Works for His Glory

We know that we were created to glorify God, and part of that is done through disciple-making. God grants eternal life by His Spirit, and by means of someone sharing His Word. After that, they are taught the same things that Jesus taught His own disciples, and we find those teachings in the Bible. After they become His disciples, they do what He commands them to do (i.e. Matt 25:35-36). In fact, God has prepared works for them to do after they have been saved.

The only question is, Will they walk in them (Eph 2:10)? Jesus told His disciples, “If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples” (John 15:7-8). Fruit never glorifies us but it always glorifies God, because we can do nothing without Christ (John 15:5). We must remain in Him or abide or dwell in the Vine (Christ) or we will only bear wax fruit, and not genuine fruits of the Spirit, but we will also begin to bear good works as a by-product of our salvation, but even this is from the Spirit of God, therefore, all works we do give God glory. There is no good we can do in our own human strength (Isaiah 64:6).

Transformed for His Glory

You’ve probably heard Romans 8:28 multiples times, where Paul writes, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” It doesn’t say that all things are good, or that only the good things work out for our best. It says all things, and I believe that means good and bad things, will work out for our very best. It’s just a matter of time. At the time, it may not look or feel best, but only later will we see clearly that it was for our best…the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Despite what it looks like today, we focus on the coming kingdom, because “In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory” (Eph 2:11-12). It never says we will always completely understand that purpose, but I believe we can trust His purpose, even if we don’t fully understand at the moment.

After a person is brought to repentance and faith (Rom 2:4; 2 Tim 2:24-26), they become a new creation in Christ (2 Cor 5:17), but the struggle is not over. We are told, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect” (Rom 12:2), and this transformation runs deep. It makes us desire to live a life that is pleasing to please God, and not to please self all the time.

Conclusion

Paul says, that “whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Cor 10:31). That about covers everything, doesn’t it? God seeks glory for His name and that’s the reason He created us. “Everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made” (Isaiah 43:7), should bring Him glory. There are more than just 4 purposes that we were created for, but there are no less than these four. If you can think of another one, please leave a comment so we can share it with the readers. For example, we know that the day is coming when “The nations shall see your righteousness, and all the kings your glory, and you shall be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will give” (Isaiah 62:2)…and all of this will give God glory, and that’s just what He deserves.

In step

Alfrescian

An Adventure in Non-Avoidance​

Non-Avoidance​

Alfrescian

HEARING GOD’S VOICE AND OBEYING IN OUR SORROWS​

Alfrescian

Why do tyrants always behave stupidly?​

Alfrescian

Working or Watching?​

We must work . . . while it is day; night is coming—John 9:4​

Okay, so what do we do?​

Alfrescian

Top 13 Bible Verses About Virtue​

Proverbs 10:9 Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out.​

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.​

Proverbs 31:10-11 An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.​

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.​

Proverbs 11:3 The integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them.​

James 5:12 But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.​

First Chronicles 29:17 I know, my God, that you test the heart and have pleasure in uprightness. In the uprightness of my heart I have freely offered all these things, and now I have seen your people, who are present here, offering freely and joyously to you.​

Proverbs 19:1 Better is a poor person who walks in his integrity than one who is crooked in speech and is a fool.​

Psalm 41:11-12 By this I know that you delight in me: my enemy will not shout in triumph over me. But you have upheld me because of my integrity, and set me in your presence forever.​

Romans 5:7-8 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.​

John 8:46 Which one of you convicts me of sin? If I tell the truth, why do you not believe me?​

Luke 23:4 Then Pilate said to the chief priests and the crowds, “I find no guilt in this man.”​

Conclusion​

Alfrescian

The Foolishness of Dating Revenge​

Knee-Jerk​

The Looking Glass​

Steward of One​

Alfrescian

Anatomy of an Adventure​

. . . unless a grain of wheat falls . . . and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit—John 12:24​

Okay, so what do we do?​

Alfrescian

Think Before You Ask​

Alfrescian

Speaking the Truth Can Transform Your Relationship​

Not So Obvious​

The Humbling Truth​

Alfrescian

5 Ways to Heal From a Breakup and Learn to Trust Again​

Alfrescian

3 Important Lessons I Learned About Marriage From the Colgate Pump​

Thank God for the Colgate Pump​

Good marriages don’t happen by accident​

Alfrescian

How failure distinguishes “good” and “bad” shame​

What is the nature of your failure?​

A Noteworthy Exception…​

Shame versus Guilt​

Alfrescian

A CHRISTIAN IS ODD FOR GOD: A Study in 1 Peter​

Alfrescian

Perfect Practice Makes Sorta Closer to Perfect​

Alfrescian

On Jesus Christ as Jesus THE Christ​

Alfrescian

7 Real Reasons Why People Are Turning to God​

Alfrescian

How to Destroy an Idol​

The Naming​

Re-Frame the Narrative​

Alfrescian

My Husband Cheated. He Doesn’t Admit Anything Unless He’s Caught. What Do I Do?​

Alfrescian

5 Things Your Man Needs More Than Sex​

1. He needs RESPECT.​

2. He needs to know you’re HAPPY and CARED for.​

JOIN A COMMUNITY OF WIVES JUST LIKE YOU,​

TRYING TO GET THIS WIFE THING DOWN​

3. He needs to create a LEGACY.​

JOIN A COMMUNITY OF WIVES JUST LIKE YOU,​

TRYING TO GET THIS WIFE THING DOWN​

4. He needs to find healthy ways to LET GO of his anger.​

5, He needs time to THINK.​

Alfrescian

5 Purposes God Created You For​

An Adventure in Non-Avoidance

Non-Avoidance

HEARING GOD’S VOICE AND OBEYING IN OUR SORROWS

Why do tyrants always behave stupidly?

Working or Watching?

We must work . . . while it is day;
night is coming—John 9:4

Okay, so what do we do?

Top 13 Bible Verses About Virtue

Proverbs 10:9 Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Proverbs 31:10-11 An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Proverbs 11:3 The integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them.

James 5:12 But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.

First Chronicles 29:17 I know, my God, that you test the heart and have pleasure in uprightness. In the uprightness of my heart I have freely offered all these things, and now I have seen your people, who are present here, offering freely and joyously to you.

Proverbs 19:1 Better is a poor person who walks in his integrity than one who is crooked in speech and is a fool.

Psalm 41:11-12 By this I know that you delight in me: my enemy will not shout in triumph over me. But you have upheld me because of my integrity, and set me in your presence forever.

Romans 5:7-8 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

John 8:46 Which one of you convicts me of sin? If I tell the truth, why do you not believe me?

Luke 23:4 Then Pilate said to the chief priests and the crowds, “I find no guilt in this man.”

Conclusion

The Foolishness of Dating Revenge

Knee-Jerk

The Looking Glass

Steward of One

Anatomy of an Adventure

. . . unless a grain of wheat falls . . . and dies, it remains alone;
but if it dies, it bears much fruit—John 12:24

Okay, so what do we do?

Think Before You Ask

Speaking the Truth Can Transform Your Relationship

Not So Obvious

The Humbling Truth

5 Ways to Heal From a Breakup and Learn to Trust Again

3 Important Lessons I Learned About Marriage From the Colgate Pump

Thank God for the Colgate Pump

Good marriages don’t happen by accident

How failure distinguishes “good” and “bad” shame

What is the nature of your failure?

A Noteworthy Exception…

Shame versus Guilt

A CHRISTIAN IS ODD FOR GOD: A Study in 1 Peter

Perfect Practice Makes Sorta Closer to Perfect

On Jesus Christ as Jesus THE Christ

7 Real Reasons Why People Are Turning to God

How to Destroy an Idol

The Naming

Re-Frame the Narrative

My Husband Cheated. He Doesn’t Admit Anything Unless He’s Caught. What Do I Do?

5 Things Your Man Needs More Than Sex

1. He needs RESPECT.

2. He needs to know you’re HAPPY and CARED for.

JOIN A COMMUNITY OF WIVES JUST LIKE YOU,

TRYING TO GET THIS WIFE THING DOWN

3. He needs to create a LEGACY.

JOIN A COMMUNITY OF WIVES JUST LIKE YOU,

TRYING TO GET THIS WIFE THING DOWN

4. He needs to find healthy ways to LET GO of his anger.

5, He needs time to THINK.

5 Purposes God Created You For

To Glorify God

To Make Disciples

Teaching of His Glory

Works for His Glory

Transformed for His Glory

Conclusion