In step

[RiverOL]

How To Let Go of the Past and Trust Your Own Judgment in Relationships​

Do you ever wonder if you’ll get out from under the shadow of your divorce or toxic relationships? Do you worry about repeating the patterns of the past? The challenge of creating and maintaining a healthy, long-lasting relationship is where you fell short. But you have an opportunity to learn from your mistakes and build the kind of relationship that escaped you previously.



Allison, in her late thirties, spent over two decades experiencing turmoil in romantic relationships. Because she had little insight into her past, she found herself reenacting the painful memories of her former relationships and selecting partners who were wrong for her.
Allison’s ex-husband was unfaithful for several years and she discovered this when she read a text message on his phone. He did own up to his behavior and apologize but the wound was so deep that it didn’t heal. Rather than allowing herself time to heal, Allison continued to date a series of men who she mistrusted. This pattern left her feeling disappointed, unhappy, and lonely.

Fortunately, with support from a seasoned therapist, Allison gained the insight to break the self-defeating pattern of mistrust and fear of being alone. When I asked Allison what the most difficult parts of an intimate relationship were, she stopped and nodded:
“Trust and intimacy are not my strong suits. I hope that I can break this pattern but I need to be comfortable being alone. One day, I hope that I can find a partner who I can trust, and our relationship will be based on commitment and communication. In the meantime, I’m working on myself and realizing it’s OK to be by myself.”

There are many reasons why people have difficulty letting go of the past and moving past toxic relationships. Sometimes, children take their parents’ offenses to heart and blame themselves when they are neglectful or distant. After all, children want to admire their caregivers and so when they do things that are untrustworthy, children blame themselves as a way to make sense of their world.

Some people even create a narrative for their life that focuses on suffering and blame. If this pattern continues, it can cause the person to develop low self-esteem and feel that they are unworthy of love. However, self-love can be improved over time though awareness and choosing relationships that bring out your best self and nourish you!
The following tips will help you to heal from the past and to make healthier choices in relationships in the present:

• Work on developing positive friendships with people you meet and take it slow. Keep in mind that being comfortable being alone is a good skill and it gets easier over time.
• Learn to trust your instincts and judgment. If you feel uneasy with someone, there’s probably a reason.
• Don’t rush into making a commitment to someone until you have a strong friendship and are fairly sure that your values and beliefs are in line with one another.
• Develop positive self-talk to counteract negative automatic thoughts (that pop into your head) such as “I’m stupid” or I’m not good at relationships.” Instead, say to yourself, “I’m learning from my experiences and getting better every day.” Post these positive affirmations on sticky notes in a prominent spot in your home.

 

[RiverOL]

3 Relationship Dead Ends​

There is a big difference between the everyday pains and struggles of relationship and a major dilemma. All of us need to persevere and communicate through the conflict, the challenges, and the annoyances of being in a relationship.
The best relationships still have to deal with struggle. It is a part of what makes a relationship great, the way we tackle issues. But the stress and strain can also be indicative of a major problem.



Use whatever metaphor you like – rock bottom, falling off the end, capsizing, etc. – some relationships are in crisis mode. How do you tell if you are at a relationship dead end or heading toward one? We often talk about an event (like abuse or infidelity or serving papers) as the dead ends of a relationship. But our circumstances, even the extreme ones are symptoms of the underlying diseases that destroy relationships. Understanding those underlying dangers can help us avoid them and live life within the kinds of relationships we all desire.

“Drifting Apart”​

Our first dead end is actually two dead ends. One of you is at one and the other at the other. We often talk about this phenomena as “drifting apart”. You might use this phrase to describe why you are getting a divorce or haven’t seen a friend of yours in a long time. The idea being that, over time, the two of you have found yourself in different spots with a chasm between you.


How do we “drift apart” and how do we avoid it? The undercurrent that leads to this kind of separation is a difference in vision. If one of you is looking one way and walking toward the spot on the horizon you’re gazing toward, while the other is doing the same thing but toward an altogether different spot, of course you are going to end up in two different places.

This is often masked in the early, romantic phase of a relationship. When those spots are far off in the horizon, they can seem pretty close. Plus the romance of beginning a journey with hope can mask how different your visions really are.

If you find yourself “drifting apart”, you need to have some honest, intentional conversations about what you value and what your vision is for the relationship. Separate visions result in two distant, lonely dead ends for each person involved. You have to backtrack and find a common and shared vision if you want any chance of salvaging the relationship.

Combat​

One of the most prevalent dead ends in the subtle commitment from one or both parties to fight and defeat the other. I want things my way. We need to put the toilet paper roll on in the direction I like, do traditions like my family does them, go where I want for vacation, raise our kids like I think they should be raised. These are actually symptoms in and of themselves – the real desire is: this relationship should validate what I want to be true about myself, I should feel good all the time, I need to feel comfortable and safe and cared for.



None of these are bad considerations. You do need to communicate these. The trouble comes when you value your own perspective and desires over and against your partners. You should love as much as you want to be loved.
We want someone to care for us and not value us for our looks, who will love us in spite of our faults and be there and care for us. But we want that person to be hot and rich! It’s a disjointed, absurd, self-centered, naïve approach to relationships. And when we set ourselves and the people we love up to this ME-centered approach to living, we commit to fighting one another to make it happen. And no one wins.

Resignation​

This last one is a little more subtle. Sometimes a couple will just decide to live two separate lives. Like those people who sleep in different rooms. You come home, do your thing, play with the kids, and retreat to your own room. It is a dead end of isolationism. You become two ships constantly passing in the night. You do not have a life together, just parallel lives.


A relationship cannot survive this way. It suffocates one or the other (or both) or drowns them in a sad, robotic complacency.

The good news is all of these dead ends are not permanent. Think of them more like cul-de-sacs. We can turn around and find our way out or we can crash and burn into the unforgiving curbside. The choice, as always, is in our hands.

 

[RiverOL]

The Spirit Fires and Rewires Damaged Hearts and Brains​

Arhitectdanielheller, “Creation 2,” 2016 (from Daniel Heller’s creation series). The caption reads at the Wikimedia Commons page: “From the ‘Creation’ series depicting the creation of the universe inspired by verses from the book of Genesis: ‘Now the earth was unformed and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the spirit of God hovered over the face of the waters'” (Genesis 1:2); Creative Commons.

There’s a saying that goes, “Neurons that fire together wire together.” We are hoping that for my son Christopher, who experienced a devastating brain injury in January. There is some scientific grounds for thinking and hoping in this way. According to a news release of a UCLA study a few years ago, “When the brain’s primary ‘learning center’ is damaged, complex new neural circuits arise to compensate for the lost function…” We are praying that such firing and rewiring takes place in my son’s case. May it be so, Lord.


I asked for prayer to this end at church yesterday. It was Pentecost Sunday. Pentecost Sunday marks the Spirit’s outpouring on Jesus’ people over 2,000 years ago (Acts 2). The Spirit fell upon Jesus’ community in Jerusalem with tongues of fire. The Apostles proclaimed God’s good news of new life through the risen Lord in the various languages of all the Jews and God-fearing Gentiles who had gathered from across the Roman Empire for the Jewish festival known as Shavuot. Shavuot marks the wheat harvest. As recounted in Acts 2, the Spirit brought about a great spiritual harvest in response to Peter’s message. Peter explained that what they were witnessing with the tongues of fire was the Spirit’s outpouring to lead them to new life through repentance and faith in the crucified and risen Jesus. In response, three thousand believed.

It is worth noting that what was witnessed at Pentecost is par for the course for the Spirit. Scripture, the creeds, and church liturgy portray the Spirit of God as “the Spirit of life.” Thus, it should be no surprise that the church often associates the color green with the Spirit in its iconic art. God works through the Spirit to create and recreate life. Going back to Genesis 1, we find the Spirit hovering over the waters at the beginning of creation. Similarly, the Spirit fell upon the people gathered at Pentecost, which marks the birth of the church. So, too, God will make all things new at the end of the age through the Spirit, who pours out the water of eternal life (Revelation 21:5-7; 22:17).


The Spirit brings about physical and spiritual life. The Spirit reconstructs our sense of self. The Spirit goes into our depths and recreates who we are. It is because of the Spirit that we can say, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17; NIV) The Christ, who is God’s Son, and the Spirit always work together as God’s two surgical hands, to play off St. Irenaeus’ “two hands” image.

The Spirit pours out tongues of fire, so that we can sing a new song, as well as the water of life to bring about a new creation. This same Spirit works creatively in natural and spiritual reality, which are only separate according to our finite and bifurcated way of looking at things. Here it is worth noting that the Season After Pentecost, also known as Ordinary Time, or Ordered Time, begins today—the day after Pentecost—and ends the day before Advent’s first Sunday.

The word “after” does not mean the Spirit no longer operates in creation and history. To the contrary, the same Spirit at work in the creation and Jesus’ people in Genesis 1 and Acts 2 is continually at work in creation and the community of faith, as illustrated in chapters 3-28 of Acts, and foreshadowed in Revelation. The Spirit’s work never ends. Just as the Spirit hovered over the not-yet-ordered mass at the dawn of creation (Genesis 1:2), so the Spirit hovers over our disordered and even damaged mess to rewire the creation and our lives.


Like neurons firing and creating new pathways in the brain, I am forging analogical pathways between the spiritual and neurological spheres, where perhaps angels and neurologists fear to tread. Fortunately, our family medical consultant Dr. Robert Potter (M.D., Ph.D.) has been willing to tread in this domain. He has encouraged us to wait in prayer with hope to see how God may heal our son Christopher, who has a traumatic brain injury.

Following a consultation that involved analysis of an MRI of the brain, he indicated that we are waiting to see whether new neurological pathways form and viable parts of the brain compensate and make up for parts of the brain that are no longer viable. While in no way offering predictions as to what will occur, Dr. Potter draws from a lengthy tenure of analysis and experience with palliative care patients in medical ethics to form such plausible scenarios. He also alluded to the same text quoted above, 2 Corinthians 5:17, and said that the Christopher, who may recover, would be the same person, yet reconstructed.

In the line of Jesus, who endured a devastating injury that actually killed him, yet who rose triumphantly with those now glorious scars, so I pray my son now devastated by his brain injury might rise anew. May he bear witness to God through his own glorious and healed wounds, as one “fearfully and wonderfully made” and remade. We are praying for the emergence of my son Christopher as a reconstructed person who comes to us anew through medicine and the miraculous, orderly operations of the Spirit during Ordinary Time.


Jesus encouraged his disciples to wait eagerly for the Spirit’s coming (Acts 1:4, 8). And so, I pray: “Come Holy Spirit, come.” I pray that the Spirit moves through the hands of nurses and aids, doctors, respiratory and physical therapists, wound care specialists, other rehabilitative care practitioners, and pharmacists, along with ongoing needed rest and medicine.

Last night, as Pentecost drew to a close, I prayed with one eye open, so to speak, at Christopher’s bedside. I noted to my wife and a CNA how Christopher’s eyes appear to open more often and rest on us more steadily. Last night, he also made his first audible groans in my presence.
May the Spirit of Pentecost continue to fall on us with tongues of fire, groaning within and interpreting our groans, ultimately leading us to sing a new song. May this same Spirit rewire Christopher’s devastated brain and heal my deeply damaged soul. Holy Spirit, come, and work your medicine of renewing, reconstructing, and transforming us all.

 

[RiverOL]

You’re Made for Adventure​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . how long will they not believe in me, in spite of all the signs that I have done?—Numbers 14:11​

God the Father designed us for adventures . . . for his adventures. Listen for his call. Imagine a boy awakened early by his father: “Hey, buddy . . . up for an adventure today?” Trust him. Imagine the son, nervous with anticipation of what the day might hold: “Yeah, dad. Totally.” Go with him. Imagine the father and son gearing-up together, maybe for fishing, or hunting, or backpacking, and heading off into the wild. Now, imagine if the boy instead replied, “Nah, dad. Gonna stay home today. Just too risky.” Or, “I’ve got more important things to do today. Thanks for asking. Maybe next time.” God the Father whispered (through Moses) to twelve men in the Wilderness of Paran: “spy out the land of Canaan, which I am giving to the people of Israel” (Numbers 13:2). The men did, and they saw good land . . . but they also saw large foes, whom they’d have to defeat. Ten of them took the “just too risky” tack: “We are not able to go up against the people, for they are stronger than we are” (Numbers 13:31). They felt like “grasshoppers,” they said, compared to the huge men of Canaan. (Numbers 13:33). Only two—Joshua and Caleb—mustered courage and trusted in God’s adventure. Only they were willing to go: “. . . he will bring us into this land and give it to us . . . And do not fear the people of the land, for they are bread for us. Their protection is removed from them, and the Lord is with us; do not fear them” (Numbers 14:7-9). [Translation: “Yeah, dad. Totally.”]

Okay, so what do we do?​ When God invites you into an adventure it’s a special moment, a divine moment . . . an eternal moment. You won’t get many. So, be prepared. Be ready with a quick, “Yeah, dad. Totally.”

 

[RiverOL]

My Turn to Talk​

One of the biggest problems in our world is a breakdown in communication. Everyone is dying to be heard but nobody is willing to listen.

I’ve noticed that when I am in a conversation and someone else is talking, I stop listening as soon as I figure out what I want to say next. I tap my foot, sometimes turn slightly and roll my eyes, maybe gasp a little in annoyance as I wait for them to finish. Then, like a bullet from a gun, I’m off. It is MY TURN TO TALK!


We have adopted this narrative in today’s society that makes us the victim. Nobody is listening to MY ideas. Nobody is taking ME seriously. Nobody is listening to ME!

Humility​

Listening (truly listening) to what others have to say requires a huge dose of humility. We have to be genuinely interested in their contribution, as much as our own. In conversation, it seems like everyone is a pawn in my game, a set-up man for my at-bat. Everything centers around expressing and validating my ideas.

What my pattern of conversing overlooks is the fact that other people are just as valuable as me and have something important to say.
This seems lost on us. We converse to bounce our ideas off of people, not to learn from theirs. We converse to justify, validate, and approve our own self in the eyes of our peers, not to truly be in community with them.

Truth​

Ours is a truly frightening approach to communication. And the effects are rampant in our world. Increased anger, acts of violence, a perspective of violation when disagreed with.
We are not searching for the truth, valuing one another, and valuing our place in the context of community. We are shouting like madmen. Throwing tantrums like a toddler. And lost in the mix is some significant beauty in this world. Some accuracy, a touch of naming reality. And of course a sense of connectivity and unity.
Sometimes when my wife is telling a long story, I can literally feel the immature angst rise up in me. I have things I want to say! This is taking forever! It is terrible. And it costs me. It costs us. It robs us of the opportunity to share truth together. It disqualifies me (in the moment) from loving her the way I want to, from being the husband to her I want to be.

A Line of Honor​

We define culture as a subset of humanity that agrees on what is honorable and what is shameful. Different cultures honor different things.



For example, we honor waiting in an organized line in America. If you walk into a restaurant or the DMV and cut in line, you are going to get some slack.
When it comes to communication, I am not suggesting we be mutes. In fact, our current perspective is born out of this fear that nobody is listening to the valuable things I have to say. And you do have valuable things to say. I do as well. So do they. What if we honored our turn in line, not trying to cut or ignore the line or passive aggressively try to get people to leave it?

Have you ever been in a group conversation where people are constantly cutting each other off, interrupting each other without even noticing the ones who are now talking sliced the point another was making off at legs to have their turn? A culture shift is needed. One akin to the way we treat the line at Chipotle. Each has their turn.
Communication is about valuing all parties. We need to be fighting to hear as much as we fight to be heard. No more and no less.

 

[RiverOL]

Why Your Wife Wants to Text You All Day​

Recently, a man at one of my conferences spoke up about a marital issue that had been bubbling up for a few months. He works long hours in a high-stress job, and his wife texted or called him several times a day to talk about small matters such as dinner plans or what happened on the playground that day with their preschool-aged daughter.


As he talked, I realized that he was getting frustrated because he thought she was bothering him with minutiae. Of course he appreciated having dinner with his family! Of course he loved his daughter! But really, did she need to interrupt his day to tell him every single detail?
But what I also realized was happening (that he was completely missing!) was the motivation behind his wife’s communication throughout the day. It was not to annoy him. It was simply this: his wife was really missing her best friend.

Even though I didn’t know his wife, it was clear to me that she just wanted someone to talk to and a deeper connection with her husband. While she thought that was achievable by sharing parts of her day with him, he didn’t see those things as worthy of his attention. Whether it was a phone call during the workday or something when he walked through the door at night, he was annoyed and she was left hanging. Lately, they had been arguing about things that didn’t seem to matter much. He didn’t realize that she really needed to be seen . . . and heard.
This husband needed a little guidance on the why behind his wife’s behavior and how he can truly show he cared for her.

A woman needs the listening ear of her husband.

I told him that just like he needs to be able to tell her his frustrations about work, she needs an outlet too. A woman needs the listening ear of her husband. And while he doesn’t mean to convey that he’s uncaring, his lack of attention or choice not to call her back during the workday makes her feel like her needs are not as important as his.



The man said he loved his wife and wanted to care, but his job takes a lot out of him and—at the end of the day especially—he needs to unwind, without straining to make a decision that seems to have little impact. He said, “Some of the things she talks about are almost trivial. It’s like she needs me to decide what we serve for dinner when company’s coming over. I’d rather not be involved in that.”

Husbands need to develop the skill of listening to their wife.

What he was really saying was that he doesn’t understand how to listen to his wife. She doesn’t want his permission to plan a menu; she craves his attention and wants to share a piece of herself with him. Even though it may seem trivial, it’s important to call her back or send a quick text that asks a question about at least one of the topics his wife is sharing with him. It only takes a few minutes, but it will help her feel heard and valued. When her relational needs are met, he’ll find himself in fewer arguments over “the little things.”



I told him to try listening in a more connected way for a few weeks, and then find time to tell her that he values her and wants to stay in touch with what’s going on. He needs to also explain that sometimes it’s overwhelming for him to hear about every little thing—especially in the middle of an intense day at work—because he can’t discern what the most important things are.

Ask your wife this question to show her you care.

As I said to the man at the conference, when your wife realizes that you actually are listening and trying to pay attention, she will respond well to the question: Honey, how can I focus on what matters most to you? As you get used to asking this, she’ll start to prioritize what she shares. And you’ll realize that choosing to care has a high return on investment. Expressing your interest and your concern about her will ultimately bring peace to your relationship and create a more tension-free day-to-day for you both.

 

[RiverOL]

7 Ways to Rid Yourself of Jealous Feelings​

Establishing and maintaining trust with your partner can be a huge challenge if you’re prone towards jealous feelings. There are many reasons why you might experience jealousy including past betrayals, insecurity, and fear of losing love. The first step in overcoming jealousy is self-awareness. These feelings won’t magically disappear and they can spell disaster for your intimate relationship.



Jealousy is the polar opposite of trusting someone. Taking ownership of your jealous feelings will allow you to face them head on and reduce them. Tackling a tendency to be jealous takes a commitment, practice, and skill.
An inability to trust a partner may take on several forms – ranging from feeling they are dishonest or secretive; or doubting they are going to keep their promises or be dependable. Often people are jealous of a person who they feel will replace them. The bottom line is that insecurity and fear of loss are usually at the root of jealous feelings.

Because of your past experience, you might approach relationships warily and come to expect the worst. It may seem at times as if you’re wired to recreate the past. For instance, if you grew up with one or more unfaithful parents, you might approach romantic relationships cautiously and being close to someone might bring out your insecurities.
For instance, Kristin and David argue often and tend two have the same disagreements over and over again due to trust issues. Keep in mind that trusting someone is a two-way street and both partners need to take responsibility for their reactions rather than playing the blame game.


Kristin has a tendency to blow things out of proportion when she says “You’re always running late and it feels like you’re more interested in your co-workers than me.” In the past, David became angry at Kristin’s jealous comments and accusations and would blame her for being mistrustful, but he has learned to pause and be empathetic. He’s also developed a new habit of calling when he’s delayed at work and reassuring her.

Rather than accusing Kristin of being insecure, David is showing her through consistency in his words and actions – demonstrating to her that he is there for her. Likewise, Kristin is learning to take ownership of her feelings and reactions. She has begun to examine her thought processes. Kristin’s learned to pause and reflect, asking herself: Is my mistrust grounded in reality or a fragment of my past? She must be willing to let go of self-defeating thoughts – to free herself from baggage brought from the past.

Many relationships are sabotaged by self-fulfilling prophecies. If you believe your partner will hurt you, you can unconsciously encourage hurts to emerge in your relationship. But day by day, if you learn to operate from a viewpoint that your partner loves you and wants the best for you, you can enjoy trust in your life.
Here are 7 ways to rid yourself of jealous feelings toward your partner:

1. Don’t assume the worst of your partner if you don’t have all the information. Gather information in a non-judgmental way and don’t made accusations of your partner.
2. Trust you intuition and instincts. Have confidence in your own perceptions and pay attention to red flags such as inconsistencies between your partner’s words and behavior.
3. Examine how many of your mistrustful feelings stem from your past or present relationships. When you become aware of your jealous or mistrustful feelings toward your partner, stop yourself and ask: “Is my mistrust coming from something that is actually happening in the present, or is it related to my past?”
4. Take responsibility for your own reactions and focus on changing your mistrustful mindset. Be vulnerable and let your partner know if you have insecurities based on your past and tell him or her that you’re ready to work on your trust issues.
5. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. If your partner lets you down, don’t always assume that a failure in competence is intentional – sometimes people simply make a mistake.
6. Listen to your partner’s side of the story. Make sure your words and tone of voice are consistent with your goal of rebuilding trust and don’t issue ultimatums such as “I’m out of here” or “This relationship is over” before you’ve collected all of the facts.
7. Challenge mistrustful feelings and practice being more trusting in small steps. Learning to trust is a skill that can be nurtured over time. With courage and persistence, you can learn to extend trust to a partner who is deserving of it.

Trust is more of an acquired ability than a feeling. Many people have become jaded because their trust has been betrayed and they have adapted by putting up a wall. However, intimate relationships afford us the opportunity to rebuild trust. Every person is born with the propensity to trust others but through life experiences, you may have become less trusting as a form of self-protection.

Ultimately, extending trust to a partner and dealing with jealous feelings in a constructive way can lead to a more satisfying relationship because trust is the foundation of deep, enduring love.

One of the hardest things about trusting someone is learning to have confidence in your own judgment. Trust is about much more than catching your partner in a truth or lie. It’s about believing that he or she has your best interests at heart. You can learn to trust your instincts and judgment when you honestly deal with your fears.
If you are able to come to a place of self-awareness and understand the decisions that were made that led up to trust being severed, you can start to approach others with optimism rather than having jealous feelings that can come between you.

 

[RiverOL]

Too Good to Miss​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you—Psalm 56:3​

Most of us men struggle not with the fact that we’re designed for adventure. On some level, we can accept that. No, we tend to struggle rather with what, exactly, we’re willing to call “adventure.” We like to define, on our own terms, what is adventure and what is not. The word itself conjures images of climbing mountains, or jumping from airplanes, or backpacking deep into the backcountry. And these are adventures, sure. But . . . what about when God calls us to confess to our Christian brothers something embarrassing to our pride (James 5:16)? What about when God calls us to risk a friendship by engaging in a tough conversation (Ephesians 4:15)? What about when God calls us to take a risk with our careers or our finances (Matthew 19:21)? What about when God simply calls us to serve others in a way that makes us uncomfortable (Matthew 25:40)? Are these less worthy of the title, adventure? No, of course, not. And, truly, aren’t these things more likely the adventures for which God designed us? Don’t they align much better with Scripture than does . . . skydiving? The problem is that we tend to mistakenly view God’s adventures as unwanted interruptions, unpleasant hindrances, or unnecessary risks to the safe lives we’ve worked hard to create for ourselves and our families . . . rather than the mythic things that they are. And so we miss the great days, the great moments, and the great stories that God so wants to share . . . that he dreamt of, so long ago (Ephesians 1:3-6, 2:10).

Okay, so what do we do?​ Begin to reorient. When confronted by interruptions, hindrances, or opportunities for risk, take a few seconds to ask yourself, might these have been intentionally placed in my way by a loving Father God?

 

[RiverOL]

4 Great Bible Verses To Read When You’re Doubting God​

Have you or someone you know had time where God seems silent, and so much so that you begin to doubt Him? If so, here are four great Bible verses to read when you doubt God.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.​

If God had not encouraged Joshua after Moses’ death, then Joshua may not have had the courage to take over the leadership of Israel, especially following what is considered the greatest leader of the Jews (save, Jesus Christ of course). If you know someone who is experiencing a time of doubt in the goodness of God, please share some of these Bible quotes with them, because they’re not just the Word of God, they are the truth, and what is true never changes, just like the promises of God which included His never leaving us or forsaking us (Heb 13:5), even when we do for a season. It might give them some reassurance, and perhaps the peace of God which only He can give. It should give you some peace of mind.

John 16:22 So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.​

Only later would the disciples see that this came true. On the day Jesus died, they had lost all hope for like the Jews, they had thought the Messiah would come to rule, not live and be crucified. That would be the last thing they expected, but if not for Jesus sinless life, death, and resurrection, we wouldn’t have the gospel (2 Cor 15:1-3) or the opportunity for eternal life (John 3:16), so we can’t always trust what we see, but we can always trust what God says. For example, Solomon wrote, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones” (Prov 3:5-6).

Psalm 50:15 “Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.”​

In the economy of God, nothing goes to waste, and even Joseph understood that, tell his brothers “you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today” (Gen 50:20). The Apostle Paul would suggest that we can “know that for those who love God all things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose” (Rom 8:28), and it’s nothing to compare with the glory that’s coming with Christ (Rom 8:18).

Do you want to have God more clearly manifest Himself to you? I do. Jesus says that it is a cause and effect, saying, “Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him” (John 14:21). For Thomas, seeing was believing, but it should not be so with us. Jesus, in rebuking Thomas’s lack of faith told him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed” (John 20:29). This is all the more reason to “not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me” (John 14:1).

Romans 8:38-39 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.​

The promise of no more separation from God and no more separation being possible because of God, so we are to “be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say, The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me” (Heb 13:5b-6)? Why fear when we have God’s Word on it that someday, God “will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” (Rev 21:4).

The disciples were troubled by Jesus’ leaving and feeling a sense of loss, so Jesus reminded them that it was only temporary, saying, “Yet a little while and the world will see me no more, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live” (John 14:19), so “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid” (John 14:27). And the peace of God “surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:7). It is as the Apostle Peter wrote: “For it stands in Scripture: Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone, a cornerstone chosen and precious, and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame” (1 Pet 2:6). The last time I checked, that cornerstone was still standing, and like the Word of God, He abides forever.

Conclusion​

What Bible verse might you add to someone who is having a season of doubt? What verses help you in times where it seems God is silent? Are there some chapters you automatically turn to when you feel like you beginning to have doubts? Jude comes to my mind he wrote about those who may have been experiencing a time of doubt. He wrote, “And have mercy on those who doubt; save others by snatching them out of the fire; to others show mercy with fear, hating even the garment stained by the flesh” (Jude 1:22-23).

 

[RiverOL]

Why I Am Disobeying the Bible​

Why I Am Disobeying the Bible

I was brought up to believe, as I was taught, that a true Christian always obeyed biblical commandments with certain rare exceptions. One such exception had to do with the Old Testament. We did not believe Christians were expected to observe all the ceremonial laws of the Old Testament that pertained to Israel, to the Hebrew people. For example, we did not believe circumcision or strict adherence to dietary laws or observance of Saturday as the Sabbath were necessary for Christians. However, clear New Testament commandments were to be strictly obeyed with few, if any exceptions.


In 1966, in the midst of the radical, death-of-God theologies and the controversy surrounding them, Episcopal theologian-ethicist Joseph Fletcher published Situation Ethics: The New Morality. Almost immediately my spiritual mentors reacted negatively, very negatively. Discussions about “convictions” versus “inviolable rules” died down as fundamentalist spiritual leaders loudly condemned situation ethics—often without reading the book.

My intention here is not to review Situation Ethics (the book) again, but to point out that there are times when a situation requires disobeying a clear New Testament commandment.

According to Hebrews 10:25 we Christians should not be “giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing.” The context makes clear that this commandment refers to Christians meeting together for “church”—Christian fellowship for the purpose of exhorting and encouraging one another.

When I was growing up in the “thick” of fundamentalism (in its Pentecostal expression) this verse allowed exceptions for those who could not attend church due to health problems. However, in the churches I grew up in (two—one from birth to age 11 and the other from age 11 until much later) the churches always opened and held worship and Bible studies regardless of weather or crises in the social order or anything. Sometimes, due to weather, for example, people would walk a mile or more to church in knee-deep snow. I do not recall us ever cancelling church.


However, now, in the Spring of 2020, nearly all churches in America and possibly around the world, are closed even on Sunday morning. Does “streaming worship” count as “meeting together” in the sense meant by Hebrews 10:25? I think not.
*Sidebar: The opinions expressed here are my own (or those of the guest writer); I do not speak for any other person, group or organization; nor do I imply that the opinions expressed here reflect those of any other person, group or organization unless I say so specifically. Before commenting read the entire post and the “Note to commenters” at its end.*

However, this COVID-19 virus crisis illustrates how most, if not all, specific biblical commandments allow exceptions or we must make exceptions to them given specific circumstances not envisioned by the authors of the New Testament.

I am involved in a very long, difficult research project about the history of Christian ethics. I am finding some very surprising things. Martin Luther, for example, implicitly permitted Prince Philip of Hesse, a major supporter of the Reformation, to marry a second wife while still married to his very ill first wife. But even more shocking, Luther argued that if a woman marries a man and discovers he is impotent (or he may have meant sterile or both) she may have sex with his brother in order to have children. You don’t believe me? Read his treatise “Advice to the Nobility of the German Nation” all the way to the end.


Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote an essay about lying which is included in his Ethics book edited by Eberhard Bethge. There this later follower of Luther argued that lying can be permitted because we do not owe some people the truth. Although he gave an illustration from childhood, anyone who knows that when he wrote this essay he was involved in a plot to assassinate Hitler knows that he was probably justifying lying to Nazis in order to save Jews and other potential victims of the German regime.

I will be disobeying Hebrews 10:25 this Sunday—as I have been for two Sundays recently and probably will for several more Sundays. (Who knows how many or for how long?) Even extremely conservative Christian churches are canceling their services and closing their doors—indefinitely—in direct violation of Hebrews 10:25. Or is it a violation of Hebrews 10:25? Like many biblical commandments that do not actually allow exceptions, many experts in biblical hermeneutics can and will argue that “social distancing” is not a violation of Hebrews 10:25—by assuming that the author of Hebrews would agree with this exception, that he (or she) did not actually mean “no exceptions.”


Obviously here I am simply pointing out the truth of some form of “situation ethics” without agreeing with Fletcher’s “new morality” all the way. But even Augustine famously said (as Fletcher loved to point out) “Love and do as you please.” In other words, for both Augustine and Fletcher, true love, charity, what Jonathan Edwards called “benevolence towards being” (On the Nature of True Virtue), could serve as the only Christian “rule” if it could be lived out consistently.

Love for others demands that in this particular situation in which we find ourselves in the Spring of 2020 we set aside a strict interpretation of Hebrews 10:25 and forsake meeting together for Christian worship and fellowship. I am as sure as I can be that the author of Hebrews did not think sending letters to each other counted as meeting together. So I do not think he (or she) would have agreed that “virtual church” counts as “meeting together.”
Yet, there are times and circumstances in which a particular biblical commandment has to be set aside and violated when love demands it. Not “love” as vulgarized in popular culture as a feeling but love as Edwards rightly defined it—“benevolence toward being” and especially toward the vulnerable and weak.


The grave danger, however, is that people who get used to forsaking meeting together for this good reason, not spreading a potentially deadly virus during a pandemic, will stay away from church after the pandemic ends. Church leaders need to find ways to stay in close “touch” virtually, by e-mail and streaming video, etc., with members and attenders during this extremely unusual “situation” that demands a kind of “teleological suspension of the ethical” (Kierkegaard).

I am not advocating Fletcher’s peculiar “situation ethics” in which, seemingly, anyway, he suggested discarding rules altogether and encouraging people to live ethically solely by the principle of “love.” We need rules, but all rules are “rules of thumb,” in the sense that they must be open to exceptions. Not frivolous exceptions like the teenage boy in my church youth group (when I was as teenager) who talked openly about “sin breaks.” And he didn’t mean breaking away from sin; he (and some of his friends) meant that they felt perfectly free to sin occasionally because striving to obey God’s rules was just too hard (especially seemingly for adolescent boys).

*Note to commenters: This blog is not a discussion board; please respond with a question or comment only to me. If you do not share my evangelical Christian perspective (very broadly defined), feel free to ask a question for clarification, but know that this is not a space for debating incommensurate perspectives/worldviews. In any case, know that there is no guarantee that your question or comment will be posted by the moderator or answered by the writer.

If you hope for your question or comment to appear here and be answered or responded to, make sure it is civil, respectful, and “on topic.” Do not comment if you have not read the entire post and do not misrepresent what it says. Keep any comment (including questions) to minimal length; do not post essays, sermons or testimonies here. Do not post links to internet sites here. This is a space for expressions of the blogger’s (or guest writers’) opinions and constructive dialogue among evangelical Christians (very broadly defined).

 

[RiverOL]

Do You Believe the Gospel that Saves?​

The writer of Ecclesiastes tells us, “It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, because that is the end of every man, and the living takes it to heart” (Ecc. 7:2). He tells that on those days we are faced with grief over the loss of a loved one, it is better than celebration. The reason he says this is that each one of us lives with the constant reality that one day we must also die. In light of that reality, we are take it to heart, understanding there are things worse than death. It fills us with a sense of sobriety and yet at the same time, an awareness that something is incredibly broken. Death itself is a constant reminder to us that something is profoundly wrong in this world. For us to understand what is wrong—why death, and pain, and sadness are all part of the world we know so well, we must look once again to Scripture for the answers.


The very first words written for us in the Bible is that in the beginning, God created everything in existence, whether seen or unseen, and He called it all, “very good.” By this, Scripture testifies to the fact that God is Lord over all creation, but more than this, everything He created was fundamentally good. It was not broken; it was not distorted; there was no sickness, pain, or death—everything worked as it was supposed to. This good gift was given to the first created man and wife, Adam and Eve, and they enjoyed walking with God Himself in those days.

As the story continues, we find that God had given them one simple command: they were not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil because if they did, they would surely die. But a Deceiver came, one we know by the name of Satan, and he tempted Eve by the fruit of the tree. She took the fruit and ate it, and then gave to her husband Adam, and he also took of the fruit and ate it. It was at the moment, through one man’s disobedience to His Creator, that sin and death entered into the world. In a word: all of Creation fell. It plummeted into darkness and became broken, twisted, and cursed. Adam and Eve would be cast out of the Garden and separated from the presence of God.


No longer would they walk with Him as they once did; life as they knew it had changed in an instant and it would never be the same. All of humanity would now suffer under the curse of three great enemies: sin, death, and Satan. This is ultimately why we now live in a broken world filled with broken people and we face the pain of death. This curse that we all suffer from is the explanation given for why we have a constant awareness that things are not the way they are supposed to be; that we deal with things like heartache, pain, and even death. Yet in the midst of this curse brought upon mankind through Adam, God gave the promise that One would come to defeat these three great enemies of sin, death, and Satan.

Throughout all of the Old Testament we see glimmers of hope where men rise who call upon the name of the Lord, yet they too are plagued by the curse of sin. They too come and go; they too live and die; they too cannot defeat sin, death, or Satan. But all the while God continues to reiterate His promise through various kings and prophets, that a Savior would come who would die for the sins of His people, and free them from that great enemy we call death.

Many generations pass as the people look for this Savior and as they wait, sin and its destructive power continues to wreak havoc. The people fall into rebellion, they reject the prophets, and they ultimately come to reject God Himself—but God, being ever faithful to His promise, tells them once again that this Savior will come and make all things right. Then, 400 years of silence. The prophets no longer prophecy, the people no longer hear from God, yet the promise remains for a Savior to come. All the while, God continues to speak through His promises of old, that the God of all creation indeed will come in the form of a babe, born of a virgin, to take away the sins of His people.


As we come to the New Testament, that 400 years of silence breaks. Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world, is born. Finally, the time had come where God’s promise would be realized. God Himself took on human flesh and lived a perfect life in obedience to the Father—and yet the purpose of His life on earth was to die on behalf of His people. The purpose of His life was to die, innocent and spotless, so that the Father would accept the sacrifice of the Son in our place.

The penalty of sin was death, and mankind could not pay the price owed to God to be free from that penalty because it demanded perfect obedience, and none could be found to be perfectly obedient. Only God Himself in the person of Jesus Christ could obey perfectly, and therefore, only Christ could satisfy the wrath of God and defeat our three greatest enemies. Thus, He went to the cross, willingly, to die on our behalf, paying the full penalty for our sins. Yet more than this, Christ took our sins upon Himself, and in exchange, He gave us His righteousness so that we would become holy and blameless before the Father—that we would be adopted as sons and daughters of God. Yet Christ did not stay dead. Three days later, He rose from the grave, securing our redemption and destroying the power of sin, death, and Satan.


Therefore, the promise to those who place their faith in Jesus Christ and His work is that they will be saved; saved from the wrath of God, and saved from everlasting death—and that their great enemy in Satan has been utterly defeated. And yet even more miraculously, the final word did not end in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. He promised that one day He would come again to judge the living and the dead, and on that great day, that He would utterly destroy sin, death, and Satan forevermore.

On that day, there will be no more weeping, no more pain, no more death—all of it will be swallowed up in victory as Christ redeems all of Creation from the effects of the fall. He will recreate the heavens and the earth, and we will know absolute freedom from the broken and distorted world we now live in. We will once again walk with our God and see Him face to face, and on that glorious day He will not only wipe away every tear from our eyes, but He promises that even our misery—even our mourning, will be turned to joy.

It is in light of this that I will close in the same way I opened this brief writing. It is better for us to go to the house of mourning than into the halls of feasting, because in the here and now, we still live between two great days: the day Christ first came so that He might die upon the cross, to the day He returns and puts a final end to sin, death, and Satan. As such, this is a day we must look with sobriety upon the reality of death. We must recognize our life is here today and gone tomorrow, yet ultimately, that we shall stand before our Creator and give an account for our life.


We must not delay or put it off as if we will be granted time to make this decision when death comes for us. We must, as the living, take this to heart and consider what it will look like when we die and stand before our Creator to give this account. The Scriptures promise us that there is no sin too great to be forgiven—that if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. Scripture likewise proclaims that you can be free from the consequences of sin and death and experience the grace and mercy of the Lord in a way that you have never experienced before. Yet the Scriptures likewise promise that outside of Christ, all that awaits us is eternal death. All that awaits us apart from the saving grace of Christ, is the wrath of God.

In light of this, I invite you today then to examine yourselves with sobriety and ask: where do I stand with all of this? Do I believe that Jesus Christ died on my behalf and took my sins upon Himself so that I might be free from the wrath to come, and do I believe that He was raised on the third day? Do I call Him my Lord and my Savior? Do I place my hope and my confidence in Christ and Christ alone—that on the basis of His work on the cross, I am forgiven and if I were to die today, I know I will spend eternity with Him? If this is your hope and confession, the Scriptures promise that though you may see death in this life, you will not face it in the one to come. Yet if this is not your hope, the Scriptures promise that the death you see in this life will pale in comparison to the everlasting death that waits for you beyond the grave.

 

[RiverOL]

Setting God-Honoring Boundaries for Purity: Advice for Women from Wise Christ Followers​

A reader commented on one of my blogs about sexual purity and Christian leaders:

I have appreciated your thoughtful response. I do wish you could do an article on how to protect yourself from ungodly leaders claiming to be spiritual… I am dumbfounded when I read about a wife texting a “godly” leader and she hasn’t shared her texts with her husband from the beginning. …she should be communicating with a husband-wife team and possibly have another woman she trusts reading the responses as well. Being asked to send photos of yourself, not to mention nude photos should be a definite alert. How did it even get to that point? Being asked to keep things secret is always an alarm point for me, and I let people know I keep myself free to always share things with my parents since I don’t have a husband. It saves me a lot of trouble if I let people know that upfront.

Let me be absolutely clear upfront. This blog is not about blaming victims of sexual abuse or about excusing the abuses of leaders. (Nor is it about women being the problem.) As I’ve written before:

Sexual involvement with one who has come to seek emotional help or spiritual guidance should not only be considered fornication or adultery—it should be considered sexual abuse. Sexual activity that comes out of a ministry context is comparable to child sexual abuse, where the supposedly mature and stable adult figure takes advantage of his or her authority and credibility to initiate or allow a sexual encounter with the immature and vulnerable. In such cases, the person in ministry is not a victim but a predator. And it is all the worse because we are trusted representatives of Christ.

[When some have] said, “These were adult women who were consenting adults,” they failed to recognize the imbalance of power between an established Christian leader with great verbal skills who is in the obvious power position and who exerts influence on someone. While it isn’t a righteous response, it’s understandable that someone could not only be flattered by the man’s interest but also reason, “I thought doing this was wrong, but he knows the Bible far better than I do, maybe it’s really okay.” Is that rationalizing? Of course. But when Jesus talked about abusive leaders being wolves among the sheep, surely he wasn’t putting equal blame on the sheep as on the wolves.

Obviously it is sin for anyone to commit adultery, either to initiate it or to voluntarily engage in it. But the greater sin is committed by the one who uses his or her power position to manipulate or seduce another. All sins are evil (James 2:10) but Jesus spoke of “greater sins” (John 19:11). All sin is wrong, but some sins are worse than others (Matthew 10:14-15).

This is why we need to create a culture in our churches and ministries where when people bring up concerns about a leader’s actions, they are taken seriously and the claims are thoroughly investigated, not automatically dismissed based on the leader’s word alone.
Still, I believe it is wise for Christian women, just like men, to have clear boundaries when it comes to purity and relationships, and to teach boundaries to their children and teens.

This isn’t about legalism or about earning our salvation, or about following a list of rules just to appear more godly. It’s simply about being wise, and honoring God in our choices by guarding our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). (And as I’ve written before, because boundaries protect us, they actually bring freedom and joy, not misery and confinement.)
The following advice comes from a Revive Our Hearts conversation between Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth and Mary Kassian, two sisters I greatly appreciate. Though this is geared towards women, the principles are applicable to both men and women:

Nancy: I know when I’ve talked in the past about hedges and boundaries on this program, invariably we’ll get emails from listeners saying, be more specific. “What are some of your hedges? What are some of your boundaries?” I’ve always been hesitant to do that because I don’t want to say that the hedges that I’ve put in place in my life are exactly in every detail what someone else should put into their life. But I have found that women have been helped as I’ve been willing to share some of the practical hedges that I’ve put into my life.


I’m a single woman. Mary, you’re a married woman. [Note: Nancy married Robert Wolgemuth in 2015.] Let’s just for the sake of mentoring and encouraging women who are listening and may not have been mothered, may not have been counseled in some of these practical areas, let’s start with you as a married woman. You love Brent. You’ve been married thirty years now. You want to protect your marriage. You want to guard your own heart. So what are some of the practical ways that you’ve set out to establish hedges and boundaries to protect that relationship?

Mary: One of the practical ways is what I call a seclusion hedge. And that is to ensure that I interact with men that I am not married to, men who are other than Brent, in a public venue and not in a private venue. I avoid places that are secluded. So if I’m meeting with someone, a colleague, it will be in a room where others can watch or that has glass doors, or glass windows, or we leave the door open. I avoid being in secluded, private, isolated places with men that I’m not married to.

Nancy: I know we practice that within our ministry. I don’t meet in a room alone with a man without the door being ajar or windows in the room. Some people see that kind of thing and think that seems so extreme. That seems obsessive. Yet I’m thinking, if you don’t violate that seclusion principle, you’re unlikely to be in an emotionally or physically adulterous relationship. People probably never have an affair with someone that they’ve never been alone with in a private setting.


You can call it obsessive. But I so value the marriages of my colleagues and the men that serve in our ministry, the men that I work with. I’m thinking it’s worth it for them and for me, for their marriages, for my life, to put some of those boundaries up. Is this a biblical mandate to keep the doors open? I’m not going to call it that, but I think there’s a lot of wisdom in it.
Mary: I think there is a lot of wisdom in it. Proverbs tells us that the wise person foresees danger and takes precautions.
Nancy: Prudent.
Mary: Is very, very prudent. It’s just a smart thing to do. When Brent does that for me, I appreciate that I know that he’s not going to be having meetings off somewhere with a woman alone. And he knows that I will honor him in the same way. It’s just a way of respecting my marriage, and it’s a way of respecting the marriages of other people as well.
Nancy: I think another way of putting up appropriate hedges and boundaries is in the whole area of communication. This is something that I’ve watched just take down a lot of women and a lot of marriages. The whole email/Facebook communication; how can we think about that in a wise way rather than a wild way.


Mary: Well, I think that we need to be careful with where we go in our communication. If I communicate with someone other than Brent, another man, I try to avoid really personal topics. I can confide in girlfriends, but I can’t confide in other men. If I’m having a heartache, or if I’m having something very personal going on in my life, or if I’m having a struggle in my marriage, it’s just inappropriate for me to be sharing personal information.

If I do share personal information, I need to be very cautious to share that information in a way that my husband is aware that I’m sharing it or that he is included in it. So if I’m saying something personal, how I really enjoyed church this weekend, I might type something like, “My husband and I really enjoyed being at church this weekend.” Or I would use “we” phrases and always make sure to make it very clear that I am married and I’m committed to my marriage. I am not just an “I;” I am a “we” in terms of being a couple. That just draws that boundary very, very clearly right up front that this is place, this is a line that is not getting crossed.


Nancy: I know some couples who have practically handled that in relation to their Facebook account. They don’t have their own individual Facebook accounts; they have a Facebook account. If they’re going to do it all, together. It has both of their names on it. So when you’re communicating with the one, you realize the other partner has access to that, is seeing that material. I think that helps keep away from private or secret communication that could become a time bomb waiting to go off.

Mary: It really could become one. I appreciate Brent often will CC me on an email if he’s communicating with a woman and needs to set something up or tell her something. If it’s just purely business, he doesn’t always do that. But if there’s anything of a private or personal nature, he’ll CC me on it, or he will tell me about it. I will do the same for him. That just really honors, it nails down those hedges and boundaries. It honors our marriage. It keeps us safe.

Nancy: I don’t want to belabor the point too much, but I think as much as we have seen of emotional adultery, sometimes leading to physical adultery, but illicit relationships being fueled through email, through Facebook, through instant messaging, through various social media, these things can be great blessings if they are used in a wise way. But we’re seeing just monumental collapse of trust and covenant and breaches of fidelity and faithfulness through these means.

I talked recently with a couple, a man who is in full-time Christian ministry. His wife has become addicted to Facebook, and through means of Facebook she has reconnected with an old sweetheart who she is now carrying on an emotional affair with, and it is devastating her marriage. I assume it’s devastating his as well in his situation.
But this is something that is rampant even among believers. Nobody wakes up in the morning and says, “I think I’m going to have an affair.” They first breach smaller, individual, single hedges or boundaries and then find that leading to another, leading to another, leading to another larger compromise. And it’s like Proverbs says, “The end leads to death” (see verse 27).

Mary: It does lead to death. You and I have both seen it numerous times where just a little compromise, because it’s not sin just to send an email, and it’s not sin to share a little bit, and it’s not sin to share a little bit more. But there’s an erosion that takes place, and a chipping away at those boundaries. Those boundaries get pushed to different levels and different places. And you cross more and more boundaries until every boundary is crossed, emotionally, if not physically.
So to protect ourselves, to keep ourselves safe, to keep ourselves pure, to honor our marriages and the marriages of those around us, we do need to establish those types of boundaries.

 

[RiverOL]

What to Do When You Sin​

How to handle sin in a God-honoring way isn’t often clearly addressed in the church. So what steps should I take in order to deal with sin? First, I must admit my sin to myself. I need to call sin what it is: sin, not just a mistake or a little slip. I must quit rationalizing and making excuses. Jesus died for our sins, not our excuses for our sins.


Second, I must confess my sin to God. Since He knows about it already, the purpose is not to inform Him. It is to verbally agree with God that what I have done is, in fact, sin. Proverbs 28:13 says, “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.”
Though we are forgiven by Christ of our past sins, including some we don’t remember, we are called upon to confess our sins as we become aware of them: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). (This article assumes those reading have already accepted Christ’s offer of salvation. If you never have, I encourage you to read more here.)

It may seem confusing that we must continue to confess recent sins in order to experience new and fresh forgiveness. But while we have a settled once-and-for-all forgiveness in Christ, we also have a current ongoing relationship with Him that is hampered by unconfessed sin.
Remember, God has seen us at our worst, and He still loves us. Arms wide open, He invites our confession and repentance, which He always meets with His grace and forgiveness.


Third, as a part of my admission and confession, I must genuinely repent. True confession is not a begrudging or flippant admission of wrongdoing, but an expression of guilt, regret, and desire and intention to change. It always points us to Jesus, our Savior.
I’ve had people tell me they were sorry for adultery yet refuse to quit seeing their partner in adultery. Actually, their sorrow is for sin’s consequences, not for sin. They admitted something—but they confessed nothing.

Fourth, there is a place in the family and church to confess my sins not only to God but also to others (James 5:16). Two cautions should be exercised in such confession: first, it is made to those who have actually been hurt by the behavior (this may or may not include a whole church body), and second, details should be shared only as necessary. God has no problem forgetting the details, but people do. Why etch on their minds images that will be hard or impossible to shake?
But once confessed and repented of, sin should be put behind us. We should embrace God’s forgiveness. David described it this way: “Happy are those to whom the Lord imputes no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit” (Psalm 32:2, NRSV).

When I was a boy, I had a golden retriever named Champ. Whenever we gave him a bone, he’d chew it until it was bare, then take off to bury it. But once it was buried, he would never let it lie. Every day, sometimes several times a day, he would make his rounds, going to every buried bone—dozens of them—and digging them up to chew on some more. Then he’d bury them again, only to repeat the process until the day he died.

Unlike my dog, God buries our sins and lets them lie; He never digs them up (Micah 7:18-19). Like my dog, however, sometimes we do. We dig up old sins, chew on them, confess them again, and bury them—but in a shallow grave whose location we memorize for convenient access.
We do this not only to ourselves, but others. We piously say, “I forgive you,” but dig up old sins to chew on at our pity parties, wave in front of others as gossip, or use as weapons of revenge or tools to barter and manipulate. In doing so, we become obsessed with sin instead of the Savior. We give more credit to its power than to His.

(One clarification: the Bible teaches not only forgiveness of our sins but also consequences of our choices. Forgiveness means that God eliminates our eternal condemnation and guilt. But it does not mean that our actions in this life have no consequences on earth. Forgiven people can still contract an STD or go to jail for drunk driving, for example. And forgiving those who wronged us does not mean giving them opportunity to hurt or harm us or preventing them from experiencing sin’s built-in consequences.)

Once confessed, our sins should be forgotten. We should choose to dwell on them no longer:
Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:13-14).


An evil man is ensnared in his transgression, but a righteous man sings and rejoices (Proverbs 29:6).
How secure are we in God’s love? Jesus said, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand” (John 10:27-28).True happiness can come only in realizing sin, admitting it, and seeking the only solution—the forgiveness of Jesus based on His redemptive work. In forgiveness alone we can have relational oneness with God and, hence, enduring happiness

 

[RiverOL]

3 Signs You’re Wrecking Your Marriage​

I was wrecking my marriage, and I didn’t even realize it.
Five years in and I was ready to give up.
I thought the problem was my husband. If he’d just “shape up,” we’d have a great marriage.
He didn’t want to spend time with me, and he didn’t seem interested in meeting my needs.
Here’s why.


Almost everything he did was met with my disapproval. I thought he’d changed. He wasn’t the guy I’d married.
In reality, I was the one who’d changed. I went from being loving and fun to being critical and cranky.
I went from thinking he was smart and funny to thinking he was irresponsible and immature.
Even though he was a military guy and was responsible for hundreds of soldiers, I thought he was careless.

If he feels like can’t do anything right, he may stop trying​

As our communication broke down, the whole relationship started to crumble.
I didn’t have skills to build intimacy or the wisdom to know my behavior was driving him away.
I didn’t see his behavior as a sign, I was pushing him away.
If you’re wrecking your marriage, the signs are usually there.

Your husband may be distant or defensive. He may make excuses so he doesn’t have to spend time with you.
Thankfully, I’ve learned a few things. I now have skills to communicate with him.
I now understand what he needs and how to get what I need. And my marriage is better because of it.
You can learn skills to have a better marriage, too.
Here are three behaviors that were wrecking my marriage. They may be ruining yours, too.


1. You try to control everything
I thought I should tell him how to do just about everything: drive, cook, clean. I told myself I was “helping.” I’d speak for him and make decisions for him. When I wasn’t telling him what to do, I tried to control him with non-verbal cues. I’d sigh, roll my eyes or give him disapproving looks. I was silent, but I just as annoying.

2. You think he’s the problem
I thought he needed to straighten up. All of our problems were his fault. If he’d just do things my way, pay more attention to me and learn how to communicate, our lives would be easier. The more I focused on his flaws, the more flaws he seemed to have. I was so focused on his shortcomings, I couldn’t see how I was pushing him away.

3. You have an attitude
I was critical all the time. When you’re critical, your husband may feel like he can’t do anything to please you. If he feels like he can’t please you, he may stop trying. Criticism also makes you unsafe. He may not feel like he can confide in you when he’s unsure of what you’re going to say.
I had to learn skills to be a loving wife. You can learn wife skills just like you can learn anything else.

What if you baked bread and it always turned out terrible. It didn’t rise or it burned on the outside and was doughy in the middle. Then someone showed you how to make bread. They gave you the skills you needed to do it right. And you practiced.
Suddenly you bake great bread.

Marriage isn’t much different. It’s about learning skills. You can learn how to be different. You can learn how to connect with your husband and build a strong marriage.

Men feel successful when their wives are happy. If you’re constantly complaining or criticizing, he’ll feel like a failure. He’ll feel like he can’t please you. He may stop trying and start spending his time in front of the TV instead.

You may not have the skills to build a great relationship, but you can learn. Identifying marriage wrecking behaviors and correcting them may mean the difference in the life or death of your marriage.

 

[RiverOL]

Hope for Those Struggling with Anxiety or Depression​

My wife Ashley suffered through a four-year battle of anxiety, worry and depression. It started as a bout of postpartum depression when our first son was born, but then it lingered and morphed into a long season of debilitating struggle. After many sleepless nights, hours of professional counseling and countless prayers, Ashley emerged from that challenge stronger on the other side. As she’s shared her story with others, she’s found that MILLIONS of people are facing the same difficulties she faced and they feel like they’re facing the anxiety all alone.


Motivated by a desires to help others find the hope that she found, Ashley put together a devotional book where she shares some of the promises from Scripture and tools that helped her the most during her own struggle with anxiety and depression. It’s essentially a 31-Day journey to find encouragement, hope, healing and practical tools to help people emerge from the grip of anxiety. This new resource could have a huge impact on anyone facing these challenges.

If you are facing anxiety and/or depression, please know you are not alone and hope is available! We’re praying for you. You will get through this. Please feel free to email us anytime at [email protected] if you need an encouraging word. Thanks for being part of this online community.
God bless, -Dave

Please check out and share “31 Verses and Prayers for the Anxious Mind and Heart: A Hope-Filled and Healing Devotional for Those Who Struggle with Anxiety and/or Depression” by Ashley Willis

 

[RiverOL]

The Difference Between A Rest Day and An Off Day​

It’s been a long workweek. You’re tired and in need of some rest. Saturday is quickly approaching. What should you do? Sleep in? Go to the beach? Catch up on chores around the house? How you spend your free days during the week will determine your priorities. So, what are the options? And which is best?

First, we must make the distinction between an off day and a rest day. An off day is a break from life. A rest day is an essential part of that life, as important and as on as making copies or answering emails. On an off day, we might go to the beach or to a theme park. We are out for an adventure (even sleeping in and watching Netflix is an adventure). But rest days are something else entirely. What is the difference? Here are five easy ways to tell if you are truly resting or truly taking the day “off”.

​

Purpose​

An off day is a day to check out. Pajamas. Take-out. Laziness. Emptiness. An off day is a day of nothingness. It serves very little purpose. Although it might look like rest, it isn’t even truly restful. It just gives the illusion of rest because we are not doing anything.
On the other hand, a rest day is done with intention and purpose. It is a part of the rhythm of the week rather than a departure from it. On a rest day, we intentionally ask ourselves what will help us regain energy. What makes us come alive? It might be time with friends or hiking or contemplating life in a hammock.

The difference is in purpose. If we take an off day, we are not likely to experience rest. The day may feel like a relief because we aren’t doing what we always do. But as soon as ‘real life’ starts back up again, we are just as drained and out of it. The longing to escape comes with the unfortunate inevitability of returning to normal.
If we engage in activities that truly bring us rest, we will carry it into the week. Our return to work will have a different feel. It’s like getting a song stuck in your head. You hear it and it clings to you and you end up humming it all week.


If you are doing something that makes you sleepy, you aren’t resting. If you are doing something that makes you come alive, ironically, that is rest. Your tank is refilling. Your energy is rising.
Rest is the main ingredient in peace. And if we want to find peace we must learn what rest truly entails. This requires intentionality. Purpose.

Transcendence​

True rest carries into the week like a song in your head for one very important reason: transcendence.
During an off day, we feel a strange sort of imprisonment. We’re at home. There might be an element of cabin fever. But we’re not doing anything. More importantly, it feels as if we aren’t being anything.

If what we call ‘rest’ is inhibited by circumstance, it is not true peace (and therefore not true rest). Truly resting means we have tapped into the core of us and it is our heart, mind, and soul that are being changed. Not just a break in our schedule. Not just a day off to do nothing. Engaging in what makes us truly us, what we most value, we are reminded of the purpose of ourselves. We are reminded why we live and why we love life. This is contagious to our perspective and our emotional state on Monday morning.


A time of rest is a time to be who we truly are. It is a time to step aside from work, in the traditional sense, agendas and deadlines and noise and seek the self-awareness that lets us know what our purpose is. God did not rest on the seventh day because he was wiped out. He rested to consider what he had done, to bask in gratitude. The same is true for us. And if we aren’t spending our rest days thinking on such things and doing things that pour coals into its fire, it is just a good old-fashioned day of nothingness. An off day.

 

[RiverOL]

Jesus and the Dialectic​

Jesus was the master teacher, better at “Socratic dialogue” than Socrates. The Athenians began with (mostly) rich young men in one of the most educated cities in the Mediterranean world. Jesus walked with a much more diverse group of disciples, men, and women, rich and poor, and made them world changers. Socrates educated Plato, but the Lord Jesus walked with His students and gave Himself to them.


Jesus created the Apostles: renewed them by allowing them to choose to become different than they had been.
Jesus would not dispense easy answers that cut off learning, even waiting until the moment that a deeper understanding was possible. In John 6, Jesus feeds people. They eat the good food He provides and want more.

The Teacher says something shocking. He points to Himself. Jesus tells his listeners that they must “eat his flesh and drink His blood.”
They did not understand. His critics, who do not wish to learn, only find a pretext to reject Him and withdraw. Many of His disciples leave as well because Jesus was urging His students into a relationship with Him and they did not wish anything so difficult. Jesus wishes everyone to be “taught by God.”
This is a chance to dialogue with God.

His apostles do not understand, but they stay. When He asks them if they will leave, Peter says what every true student must when the lesson is hard to understand or even seemingly repulsive: “Lord, to whom shall we go? Your words are words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are God’s Holy One.”
Jesus looks at these disciples and the text reveals that even then He knew one of them would betray Him. Judas would desire the beauty of money, thirty pieces of silver, that he thinks he can possess but ends up possessing him.


On the road to Emmaus, the newly risen Lord Jesus came to two of His followers. They were going home in anguish. Jesus loved his friends and could have met their immediate need. He wished them to be happy, but He hid himself.
Why?

Scriptures say the two disciples were communing, talking, arguing with each other about all that had happened. They were trying to make sense of what they had believed about Jesus and what had happened. If Jesus had appeared, then dialogue would have ended immediately. The overwhelming sight of their dead teacher alive would have ended any act but worship. Jesus was the greatest teacher and so He wanted these two students to understand and then to see. He wanted to meet their deep intellectual need, clear up confusions about Scriptures and history.

Jesus asked them a question! He kept the argument going. He asked them, ‘What is it you are debating as you walk?’ Jesus lets them say things that are muddled. He teaches them. The Master Teacher meets them where they are, does not shut down their reason, but teaches them. They need to see Him alive, but not until they can better understand what this life means.
When the time came, Jesus revealed Himself to them in the breaking of the bread.


When I was a boy, I wondered why the Gospel writer did not include the teachings from the conversation. I wanted to know the details! One day while reading, I realized that Jesus wanted to walk with us (with anyone who would talk) and teach us. He did not wish to short circuit the process! We have our own questions, not exactly like those of Cleopas and his friend. We must break bread with Him ourselves.
The Creator of the cosmos, the maker of every beauty that was, is, or will be, shows Himself in the mysteries of the Lord’s supper. This splendid vision is the true light and by that light we see beauty rightly.

 

[RiverOL]

Good . . . How?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . and he will give you the desires of your heart—Psalm 37:4​

When the Apostle Paul wrote the word “good” in the passage below, what did he mean? “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10). He certainly meant the works—the things we are to do, the ways we are to serve—are good things, in and of themselves. And, of course, he meant the works are good for others, good for those people we are meant to serve. Going a bit further, though, could it be he also meant the things we are to do, the ways we are to serve . . . are good for us, too? Of course he did; of course they are. That’s precisely what Jesus was getting at when he said it’s “more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35) . . . or, as Eugene Peterson translates: “You’re far happier giving than getting” (Acts 20:35 MSG). It’s been nearly two thousand years and that notion is still counterculture. But the truth is . . . to give, to serve, to notice, to care, to love, to offer our strength to others, to live for others, is actually what brings purpose, fulfillment, joy to our lives. It’s how we men actually get to fully-alive and what-you’ve-always-dreamed-of kind of stuff. It’s one important reason why King David sang, “Delight yourself in the Lord; and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).

Okay, so what do we do?​ It’s simple. The only way to figure out whether Jesus was right on this or not, is to test it—personally. Someone needs you today. Someone needs you, right now. Look around. Who is it? Reach out. Go ahead and help him or her . . . and then, examine the state of your heart after you do

 

[RiverOL]

How to Navigate Seasons of Transition​

Every relationship (every person) goes through seasons of transition. We move. We become engaged, get married. We take a promotion or change jobs. Experience a death in the family. A miscarriage. A birth.

Transitions can be highs or lows. Sometimes the transitions are less obvious: a project at work is completed, a simple comment at home leads to a defining argument, something imperceptible shifts the mood of one or both of us.


However they come, transitions are hard to navigate. They are complicated. Sometimes we don’t want to leave a season and sometimes we want to leave it so badly we aren’t aware of the dangers we are leaping into.

Change and Expectation​

Every time a season or circumstance changes, a new set of expectations comes alive within us. It may be subconscious or super evident, but they are there. We expect things to go a certain way. There is also a feeling of loss from the season before. Even if it was a bad season, letting go of the familiar is always challenging work.
Because of these reasons, communication is vital during seasons of transition. It is difficult because change brings with it a barrier to communication. We are afraid the other person is not changing at the rate of speed we are. We are worried we’ll say something that hurts feelings.

Being honest and clear about how we are feeling and what we are thinking is an important first step for navigating seasons. When you are in a relationship, you are on the same team. Part of the beauty of relationship is figuring things out together. Yet our tendency is to not share anything we are thinking until we can make complete sense of it. So, we end up yelling about something trivial that doesn’t matter to mask our inability to communicate what is really going on. Facing the mystery head on is the best practice.

Perspective​

But the best tool for navigating seasons is a dose of healthy perspective.

When babies are young, they lack object permanence. If you put a hand or a blanket in front of a toy they are looking at, they will cry. They think it is gone forever. Teenagers have matured a little, but they still view their week as eternal. If someone breaks up with them or makes fun of them in the halls, the loneliness and shame they feel seems like it will last forever. Mature adults have developed the experience and ability to see things as an epic journey.

Unfortunately, most adults aren’t actually operating in this maturity. We think where we are now is all there is. And we are shocked when things change. The best way to navigate changing seasons is to expect change. To be ready for it. Don’t be surprised or devastated by The Mood Curve. It is a part of the journey.


There is, of course, a delicate balance. We have to be able to at once be present in our current seasons and be aware they may not last forever. This is a hard tension to hold. We tend to let go of one or the other and grab tightly to the leftover.
Relationships experience a sense of dizzying whiplash when seasons change. The best prep is to know that change is inevitable and it is good. It is actually neutral – it can be good if we adopt a proper perspective.

And if we have a vision we can commit to. Something that won’t change or transition. Something that truly defines who we are. Then, change is just about circumstance, not identity. And we are better equipped to adapt our purpose to our circumstances rather than feeling we have lost our purpose because our circumstances have changed.

 

[RiverOL]

Strength is for service—Romans 15:1-2​

Carrying burdens is something we do . . . as husbands, fathers, friends . . . as men. It’s hardwired into how God designed us, built us. We carry literal burdens; we carry figurative ones. Very little of our life is not spent carrying some burden or another. We’re made to find purpose and meaning in the carrying. A problem arises, though, when we carry the wrong ones. It’s easy to do. Sometimes we carry them for selfish and self-serving reasons. Sometimes we carry burdens for others, but only to get credit from the original owners—bosses, co-workers, acquaintances of some strategic value. Sometimes we carry burdens for others simply because we can . . . and because we hate to say, “no.” Sometimes we carry them because we don’t trust that anyone else will, if we do not. Make no mistake: none of these is a good reason to pick up and carry a burden. God designed us, built us, to be able to lend strength to others, to those in need. It’s one way we fulfill the second of the two great commandments: love other people at least as much as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39). So there’s no question about it, we must carry burdens for others. But, we must also bear the right burdens, and for the right reasons. We mustn’t let burdens that we aren’t meant to carry weigh us down, wear us down, and occupy our strength . . . while the burdens we are meant to carry go unborne.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Look around you today. What real, practical needs do you see? Which of them fit your talents, your gifts? Which ones move your heart, make it rise? Which ones cause your heart to fall? Let that intersection—needs, talents/gifts, heart—guide you. And then move in and lighten someone else’s load