In step

[RiverOL]

The Myth of Inaction​

When faced with an overwhelming amount of choices (or a set of choices we don’t particularly like), we often try to escape the difficulty by refusing to make a choice. We opt for inactivity.
Making any choice is a risk. It is a gamble. It establishes a path, a specific way forward. And that way has consequences. Not only that, choosing a way necessarily closes you off from some other ways. When you choose a choice, you deny certain others.


We are risk averse. We don’t like to be tied to a course, so we keep our options open. The problem is that choices are not really something that can be avoided. And inactivity, “not choosing anything”, is not really an option.

No Choice is A Choice​

One of the ways we cope with the overwhelming amount of choices and their potential futures is, ironically, to create new (therefore, more) choices for ourselves. This can be helpful. Weighing all of the available choices can help us to better discover the right one.

The trouble comes when we falsely believe that adding a choice is really avoiding a choice. This is how this can look: we have to decide to break up with a verbally abusive boyfriend or to stay with him. We don’t want to be alone (risk of loneliness) and we don’t want to stay (risk of continued mistreatment). So, we try to avoid the boyfriend and pretend we are not making the choice. But, in essence, we are choosing to stay with him. Take the other side: what if we just “ghost” him and never talk to him again, disappearing into the ether. That, in effect, is a choice to break up.



If I am choosing between buying a red sweater or a blue sweater and I cannot figure out which I like better, so I decide to avoid having to make the choice by not buying either – in effect, I am creating (and making) a third choice.
The point here is that we cannot avoid our choices. There is no such thing as inactivity. When we try to “avoid” choices, we are trying to sidestep the potential consequences of either choice. In reality, there are also consequences for the choice we DO make. If I don’t choose either sweater, I face the consequence of having no new sweater.

Facing Risk​

In an attempt to avoid risk, we are running around trying to avoid choices. Since that is not possible, we are really making a bunch of new choices. Those new choices sprout up, reproduce exponentially and put a whole new set of choices before us; none of which we can truly ignore.


It is no wonder we are so lost, confused, and overwhelmed by the choices before us. Instead of taking them head on, we sidestep one choice by creating a new one. The original choice may not go away, so now we have the original choice, the new choice made, and the choices that arise from both avoiding the original choice and the ones that sprout as a consequence of what we do choose.

We cannot truly avoid risk. There are not eternally “safe” choices. We need a new paradigm for approaching how we choose.
Instead of basing our choices on what might result in the most comfort (an enigmatic and impossible thing to predict) or trying to avoid committing to one of two paths by manufacturing another, we ought to make our choices grounded in consistency.

What would it look like if all your choices were guided by a mantra or a set of values? Your choices would likely be more consistent and, in some ways, easier. The risks and unforeseen consequences will still arise, but you will be making choices based on your values and who you are rather than the endless carousel of circumstances.
Whatever you choose, know you are making a choice. You are committing to a path. Whether you want to or not, whether you are trying to or not. So you might as well commit to a path based on the foundation of what matters to you most.

 

[RiverOL]

5 Questions That Saved Me From Marrying the Wrong One​

Prior to meeting, courting and marrying my now husband, there were two men whom I thought would one day be my “husband.” I’m immensely grateful that I listened to God when He spoke to my heart and told me not to settle. I almost did but by His grace, I didn’t.

I often see people, women especially, who settle in their relationships. Maybe it’s because they deal with loneliness. Maybe they believe their biological clock is ticking or they simply want to fulfill their need for companionship. Or, hey, maybe they just want to have a little “fun”. I reached a point when I knew God didn’t want me to compromise or settle for less than His best, the perfect partner that aligned with my purpose and destiny.

One day while listening to a message by my then pastor on “unequally yoked relationships,” I found myself reflecting on several questions concerning my current relationship. When I honestly asked myself the following questions I had a hard pill to swallow:

1. Do you find yourself sinning against God now that you’re in a relationship rather than when you were single? (Me: Yup)

1. How often does the person that you’re in a relationship with initiate spiritual things like, prayer, devotions, bible studies, & witnessing? (Me: Ummm.. never) And when you suggests those things, what is their attitude like? (Me: Indifferent pretty much described it)

1. Does the relationship help you grow spiritually? (Me: Nope)

1. What kind of example has your relationship been setting at your church? Does the relationship help others? Has it been a good witness? (Me: ummm… he doesn’t go to church faithfully, not at all really.)

1. If the person knew your walk was being hindered because of the relationship. Do they love God enough to step away from you for a season to allow you to get your walk with God together because that’s most important? (long story short – no)

So there I was forced to face the reality of the relationship I was in. I was in shock and disappointed in myself. I didn’t understand how I ended up in a situation so destructive to my emotional and spiritual health. I had a tough decision to make. Soon after our relationship ended.

 

[RiverOL]

Light It Up . . . Right Where You Are​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

You are the light of the world—Matthew 5:14​

The strongest evidence that we are where God wants us—in our jobs, in our careers, in our cities—is simply that we’re there. God Almighty knows where we are. He sees us (Luke 12:6-7). He is with us (1 Corinthians 3:16). There is a plan. King David sang to God, “in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them” (Psalm 139:16). So, where we are—right now—is no accident. And until further notice (which may come), we’ve got to assume that where we are is where he wants us to be . . . for specific reasons, for his specific purposes. High on that list of God’s purposes is that we’re his light in our existing regions of influence and impact (Matthew 5:14). Jesus tells us to not hide the light that radiates from us when we follow him: “let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 5:16). Our lights dim, however, when we get too comfortable with the cultures of the places where we find ourselves—in our jobs, in our careers, in our cities. We must, therefore, resist adoption, whether conscious or subconscious, of the prevailing beliefs, codes, or values of those places. We follow Christ. We believe him. That’s our code. Our values are his values.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Look around. How would you describe the top two or three most apparent and distinct values/beliefs in your place of work or your city? What is the accepted “code” for someone in your career? Be specific and matter-of-fact. Now, give it some thought . . . what do you think about the answers to those questions?

 

[RiverOL]

3 Biblical Strategies To Help You Resist Sin​

How can you fight off lust in a world where there’s so much sexually explicit images?

Turn​

Jesus said “that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt 5:48), so how can we possibly do that in a world where there’s sexually explicit images just about everywhere you look? It’s in public in the way people dress, on the Internet, TV, magazines, newspapers, and just about any place human eyes can see, so how can we keep our hearts from lusting after the images we see in the world? Job gave me an idea how to deal with the lusting eye, and for him, it was turn your heard, or don’t look.

When we look at something that might make us lust, the best thing to do is to quickly look the other way. For me, it was Job’s covenantal eyes, saying, “I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin” (Job 31:1)? Solomon’s wisdom tells us, “Do not desire her beauty in your heart, and do not let her capture you with her eyelashes; for the price of a prostitute is only a loaf of bread, but a married woman hunts down a precious life” (Prov 6:25-26), so if we don’t want to desire such beauty to the point of lusting, we should choose to look away.

It is just not worth the grief it will bring in ruined or destroyed relationships if we allow ourselves to act on that lust. What enters the eye gate enters the heart. Jesus said, “The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness” (Matt 6:22-23)! Just as what goes into the mouth, enters the body, whatever enters they eye gate, enters the heart…and often, finds a home.

Run​

God’s will is clearly defined in Scripture, where the Apostle Paul writes, “by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect” (Rom 12:1-2), so “this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor” (1 Thess 4:3-4).

Sometimes that abstaining comes in the form of leaving the place or situation where you’re tempted. That means we should “flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart” (2 Tim 2:22). Several times the Bible says our response to avoiding sin is to run or to flee. For example, Paul writes that we must “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body” (1 Cor 6:18).

Don’t think you can’t be tempted, because “each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death” (James 1:14-15). This is partly why the Apostle Peter wrote, “I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul” (1 Pet 2:11), and sometimes why it’s best to run when you’re tempted.

Read​

After a believer has put their trust in Christ, they have just begun the battle…the battle against the flesh. That’s something the Apostle Paul was clearly aware of, writing, “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing” (Rom 7:19). Even after conversion, we all still sin (1 John 1:8, 10), so we must “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry” (Col 3:5), but what can help us do that, besides run from temptation and turn our eyes away?

How can you turn away from or run from your imagination? The psalmist gives us sage advice by writing, “I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you” (Psalm 119:11). In effect, the psalmist is saying he memorized Scripture so that he might not sin against God. The seemingly insignificant word “that” in this verse, is the hinge on which the door of the Word of God turns and slams the door on temptation shut. Hiding God’s Word in our hearts gives us ammo for times when we need to resist temptation.

For Job, it was turning his eyes away when he looked at a woman. For others, it was running as fast as they can, but the Word of God has power (Isaiah 55:11; Rom 1:16; 1 Cor 1:18), and we need God’s power, which are found in His Spirit and in His Word. That’s because, “all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world” (1 John 2:16).

Conclusion​

The best way to avoid lusting and temptation, which can carry us away into sin, is to immediately look away from anything that tempts you; remove yourself from a tempting situation; and hide God’s Word in your heart, because God’s Word has power where we do not (Rom 1:16; 1 Cor 1:18), and we need to tap that power in order to fight the temptation to lust, which could lead to a sin of sexual immorality.

 

[RiverOL]

Is Codependency Stopping You From Getting the Love You Want?​

Recently, I asked a client this question: “What is it that stops you from getting what you want out of a relationship?” Her answer was: “It’s too hard to go through a breakup and to be alone.” My response went something like this: “Maybe it’s time to examine your fears and the ways you might be self-sabotaging.” I find that many people aren’t always aware that they may be excessively dependent on their partner to feel good about themselves.



So what can you do if you are paralyzed by fear or unable to risk leaving a relationship that is unhealthy for you? First, you need to acknowledge the anxiety. Fear doesn’t go away by itself — it tends to morph into something else. If you sometimes find that you sabotage your own needs in relationships, there could be many reasons. However, codependency symptoms are common for people who grew up in a dysfunctional home—especially if you took on the role of a caretaker.
According to codependency expert, Darlene Lancer, most American families are dysfunctional — so you’re in the majority if you grew up in one. She writes, “Researchers also found that codependent symptoms got worse if left untreated. The good news is that they’re reversible.”

Many people fear getting hurt emotionally and might flee a healthy relationship or engage in some form of self-protective behavior by staying in an unhealthy one. For many people, pain is what they know. Conflict is comfortable. Dealing with an unavailable, distant, or inappropriate partner is their “wheelhouse”. A partner who wants nothing more than to be with them and make them a top priority is alien.

Do you find yourself falling into one or more of these codependent relationship patterns?

• People pleasing: You go above and beyond to make others happy. You might avoid confronting your partner about important issues because you fear rejection or worry more about his or her feelings than your own.
• Define your self-worth by others: Do you care too much about what others think of you?
• Ignore red flags: Do you ignore a partner’s dishonesty, possessiveness, or jealous tendencies?
• Give too much in a relationship: You might even ignore your own self-care or feel that you’re being selfish if you take care of yourself.
• Have poor boundaries: This can mean you have trouble saying “no” to the requests of others or allow others to take advantage of you.
• Stay in a relationship with someone who is distant, unavailable, or abusive — even though you know deep down inside that they may never meet your emotional

In her Huffington Post article Why Women Stay in Bad Marriages, author Allison Pescosolido writes, “Nothing erodes self-esteem quicker than an unhealthy relationship. Many women remain in dysfunctional marriages because they are convinced that this is what they deserve.” In some cases, there is no need to end the relationship. I’ve learned that relationships can heal if people change. But in order to heal from an unhealthy pattern of codependency, it’s important to regain control of your thoughts and make your needs a priority.

Steps to Reclaiming Healthy Love in Your Life:

• Visualize yourself in a loving relationship that meets your needs. If your current relationship is destructive, look at ways you self-sabotage and examine your own behaviors.
• Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about your self-worth. You don’t need to prove anything to another person about your worth.
• Notice your negative self-judgments. Be kind and compassionate toward yourself.
• Remind yourself daily that it’s healthy to accept help from others and a sign of strength rather than weakness. Counseling, friendships, and on-line resources can be tremendously helpful to supporting you in your journey of finding a happy relationship.
• Don’t let your fear of rejection stop you from achieving loving, intimate relationships. Surrender your shield and let others in.

 

[RiverOL]

With Whom Do You Gather?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

For where two or three are gathered . . . there am I among them—Matthew 18:20​

We men often find it hard to gather with other men in Christian community. Calendars are full: “I just don’t have time for one more thing.” Pride is high: “I’m good . . . I’m doing fine on my own.” Aversion to vulnerability is strong: “Oh, man . . . I’m just not that good at opening up.” If we are followers of our King, Jesus Christ, though, we must gather—“not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some” (Hebrews 10:25). But . . . why? Why is community so important for men? Well, a couple reasons. “Two are better than one,” Scripture tells us—we are stronger, less vulnerable, together (Ecclesiastes 4:9). “For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up” (Ecclesiastes 4:10). Even more important, though, Jesus tells us that he is uniquely present when we gather in his name (Matthew 18:20). You see, God the Holy Spirit dwells within each follower of Jesus. (John 14:17) Therefore, when we gather, the power of the Spirit flows from one to another and back. When we gather, the work of God is done: confessions are made; sins are repented; love and compassion are expressed; hearts are healed; encouragement is given; lives are transformed. Men are lifted up, up out of sin and rebellion, into life and identity and calling. Work is done that just cannot be done in isolation.

Okay, so what do we do?​ Grab some other guys . . . one guy, even. Start meeting on a regular basis, weekly is best. Fight for community, brother—against calendars, against pride, against fear. King David sang: “Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity!” (Psalm 133:1-3). This is so very important.

 

[RiverOL]

Abundance Redefined​

Humans are made for abundance. But the question is “an abundance of what?” Life’s greatest challenge is discovering the truest source of abundance. We are promised it from all sorts of angles. Consumer products, religion, intellect, money, power, fame. We are searching for more and more and more. Our hearts are hardwired for an abundant life.
We tend to get it wrong along the way. Material abundance can lead us astray. What we seek to possess ends up possessing us. Our fear of loss can rob us of the kind of joy that only comes on the other side of risk. Sensual pleasures can become unhealthy addictions.



Conversely, all these things can lead to greater impact as we seek to serve. Through service, we are awakened to abundance. Our materials become a blessing to share. Taking pleasure in the right things can lead to a life filled with thanksgiving. And social abundance can provide the opportunity to be a great example.

Perspective​

It is well documented that human beings are never satisfied. We chase after more and never seem to find it.
One of the reasons for this is that we view abundance as a finish line rather than a resource. We think abundance means the absence of pain, the end of suffering and confusion. Perhaps it is most true to say that we are not suffering from a lack of abundance but a lack of awareness. We don’t see the abundance in front of us and so, having not recognized it, we continue to search, demanding it manifest according to our own definitions rather than according to the truth.



Our circumstances are not perfect. Abundance is an opportunity not a finish line. It is not a pile of money at the end of the rainbow. It is a never-ending supply of choices. Opportunity after opportunity to express who we are, discover the depths of truth, and participate in our vision.

Grace​

Grace is the truest source of abundance. When we seek and live under the grace of God, we are equipped with the abundance for every good deed. Not just some good deeds. Every good deed.
God promises that if we share our material abundance His favor will more than fill up whatever we need to do every good deed. If we share our pleasures, and our social abundance, God will fill up whatever tank we empty. When we seek God’s way, he promises there will never be a lack of fuel to do every good deed. It is an amazing promise. It is an amazing grace.

 

[RiverOL]

Why a Clean House Won’t Clean Up Your Marriage​

Does clutter cause conflict in your marriage? Or does a messy marriage cause clutter?
If your marriage feels hard and you have a messy house, it’s tempting to connect the two.
But a messy house is not at the root of your marriage problems.


I just watched my first episode of Tidying Up with Marie Kondo.
Tidying Up with Marie Kondo is a popular reality TV show on Netflix.
Marie is a little Japanese organizing guru. The camera follows her as she visits families to help them organize and tidy their homes.

According to Marie, cleaning up will bring you joy.
It’s not like joy is hiding under a pile of dirty clothes.
The “joy’ Marie is talking about can’t be found by cleaning your house. You might have an easier time finding things, but you won’t find joy.
True joy comes from knowing God and accepting what He has done for you.

A clean house can’t give you that kind of joy.

The episode I watched was about a couple who was struggling in their marriage. They blamed their problems on their messy house.
The wife was overwhelmed and wanted peace and joy. So they called Marie to help them clean up their house.
Tidying up and organizing their house is not going to fix their marriage.
I’m all for cleanliness and being tidy, but a messy house is not at the root of your marital problems.


It’s a symptom.
It’s not the cause.
Tidying up your house won’t fix your marriage.
It just won’t.
The struggle in the relationship probably causes the mess.

And once you’re surrounded by clutter, you’re more irritable, stressed, anxious and frustrated.
Think about it.
How many times have you snapped at your husband or kids because you were late because you couldn’t find your phone or keys? Over time these interactions can really break down intimacy in our marriage.

After Marie took a tour of the couple’s home and examined their mess, she did some kind of ritual thingie where she sat on the floor with her palms facing backwards, closed her eyes and kind of prayed to the house.
She told the couple to thank their house for protecting them.

Next, the tidying up began. She instructed them to lay all their clothes on the bed and keep only the items that brought them joy.
If a piece of clothing didn’t bring them “joy,” she told them to thank it for letting them wear it and toss it.
Maybe I’m too cynical.
But I couldn’t help but think if they showed the same respect and gratitude towards each other that they show their stuff, they might find their marital problems start to clear up on their own.

If she showed her husband more respect, the messy house might not bother him so much.
If he showed his wife more gratitude, maybe she’d be more motivated to keep things in order.

Don’t get me wrong. There are cases when clutter is an issue like in the case of hoarders. This goes beyond the definition of “tidying up. Hoarding is a serious problem, which can cause real problems in families and relationships.
But true joy comes from knowing God and what He has done for you. Tidying up won’t teach you that.

 

[RiverOL]

What the Parable of the Good Samaritan Teaches About Setting Boundaries​

In Luke 10:25-37, Jesus was challenged with the question, “Who is my neighbor?” As was typical of Jesus, he responded to this question with a parable, which is commonly referred to as the parable of “The Good Samaritan.”


Let me paraphrase essentially what Christ said.
There was a man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho. He was on a dangerous road and, unfortunately, he was attacked by robbers and left for dead. Well, along came a priest, who, instead of helping this poor man, he chose to cross to the other side of the road. He had places to go and important religious things to do. So, he just could not get involved. Soon, another guy came along, and this time he was a Levite.

But, alas, just like the priest and probably for the same reason, he went to the other side of the road too. But, then a Samaritan man came along. He was moved with compassion and helped the injured man. He bandaged his wounds. Put the injured man on his donkey and took him to an inn and took care of him. And, when the Samaritan had to leave, he gave money to the innkeeper to cover the cost of the wounded man’s care and he promised to reimburse the innkeeper for any additional expenses.

Now, it’s pretty easy to see how relevant this parable is to what we are called to do as “life disciples” for those at risk for abortion. Often, these women and men are vulnerable. In a sense, they have physical, emotional, social and spiritual wounds that have left them broken and bruised on the highways of life. So much so, that they believe that aborting their unborn child is their best and only option. But, we are called to be their neighbors, in the name of Jesus Christ, and to bind their wounds with the life support that we are uniquely equipped to provide. However, if we are really honest…this call is a bit scary…and we can understand where the priest and the Levite were coming from. Helping others can be a messy business, especially if we don’t have proper boundaries.


Think about it this way. Let’s say that you are called to help someone. And, let’s say that it’s dark and to get to the person in need, you have to drive up a very steep and winding mountain road that takes your car right to the edge of cliffs. Moreover, the road has no guardrails. Well, if you’re like me, you would be pretty hesitant to go up this road, no matter how great the need. But, now let’s say that the road has guardrails. Now, that’s a different story. Isn’t it? You would be careful. But, you would be confident. Why? Because guardrails are boundaries.

And, this brings to mind an insight that God gave me about the parable of the Good Samaritan. Yes, the story is about caring for others in need but it’s also a story about setting proper boundaries and Jesus was simply challenging the hearers of the parable and us today to set the right boundaries. You see, the priest and the Levite set boundaries that were so far away from the need that they could not meet the need and get involved. But, here’s the thing. The Good Samaritan set boundaries too. For example, he bandaged the wounds that needed to be treated at that time. And, he focused on the man’s needs—not on the wounded man’s wants. That’s a boundary.


Also, when the Samaritan left the wounded man at the inn, he didn’t say give the man whatever he wants. Nope, the Good Samaritan was specific in his instruction to the innkeeper to focus on what was needed to make the broken man whole. Why? Because the Good Samaritan was not trying to create a dependence, which often can give a wounded person a sense of entitlement over time.

He was seeking to give the wounded man back his God-ordained independence and dignity. Why? Because this would fill the wounded man with gratitude and then this healed man would be transformed from one who was served to the one who served others. Indeed, that’s what setting good and Godly boundaries will do.

So, as you embrace the call and develop the skills to be a life disciple who makes disciple for life of those considering abortion, I encourage you to remember the example of the Good Samaritan. He was wise as a serpent, as he set boundaries while at the same time, and he was as gentle as a dove as he met the needs of the hurting.

 

[RiverOL]

We’re Here, Now What?​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

Love one another with brotherly affection—Romans 12:10​

We can’t live the full lives promised to us by our King, Jesus Christ, if we’re not in regular, authentic community with other guys. And the Church* can never be the Church—not as God intends it—if men aren’t connected in that kind of brotherhood. There are many ways the Church is supposed to work, but through men in community is a primary one.

Okay, so what do we do?​ The Apostle Paul gave us a framework. He wrote that we must be devoted to one another (Romans 12:10). We must make a handful of other men a priority in our busy lives, setting them above and ahead of other things—not God, of course; maybe not our families; but, really, most everything else (Philippians 2:3-4). Paul wrote that we must commit to honesty and transparency (Ephesians 4:25; 2 Corinthians 12:9) and accountability (Galatians 6:1-2). Community doesn’t work without them. It just doesn’t. And we must not presume we know how to “fix” each other, but rather should trust God the Holy Spirit to do all work that needs doing (Romans 12:3). Without meaning to, we can do damage—spiritual, relational—when we offer fix-it advice to men who’ve been vulnerable in sharing struggles. It’s much better to listen and ask open, non-judgmental questions and pray—something else which Paul says we must do together . . . a lot (Romans 12:12). He wrote that we must encourage one another to live boldly and confidently in our faith, keeping each other “fueled and aflame,” and we must support one another, so that no man burns out (Romans 12:11 MSG). He wrote that we must stand with one another, helping each other through hardship, so that no man falls away from God in hard times (Romans 12:12; Galatians 6:2). * Note: The word “Church” here does not mean any building or denomination, but rather all of the people gathered together by God the Holy Spirit to follow Jesus Christ.

 

[RiverOL]

Reading Romans with Eastern Eyes​

Jackson Wu
Reading Romans with Eastern Eyes: Honor and Shame in Paul’s Message and Mission.
Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity.
Available at Koorong.
By Edwin Chow
Jackson W. (Wu) is a teacher of theology and missiology in a seminary in Asia. He is not actually of Chinese descent but an American who has two decades of experience working in East Asia. He uses this pseudonym for security reasons and in order to connect with people in his context. Reading Romans with Eastern Eyes aims to help people from a Western cultural background read Romans through an Eastern cultural lens. Wu believes that our understanding of the bible is inevitably coloured by our cultural context. In this book, Wu shows how adopting an Eastern cultural lens uncovers details in the text that would otherwise be missed from a Western reading.


Wu focuses on honour-shame as a point of contact between Eastern and biblical cultures. Honour (or “face”) is defined as “one’s perceived worth according to agreed standards of a particular social context.” Honour-shame cultures have three main distinctives. Firstly, they emphasise tradition. They prefer harmony, conformity to group standards, and prioritise blood line relationships. Secondly, they emphasise relationships. Honour-shame cultures are collectivist cultures. The group matters more than the individual, loyalty and reciprocity are obligated, and identity and honour is shared among group members. Thirdly, they emphasise hierarchy. Authority is not viewed negatively.

Instead, there is a desire for good leaders who can win honour and share it with the group. This usually is expressed in patriarchal authority, ethnocentrism and patronage. Honour-shame and Romans Wu suggests that Paul’s main purpose of Romans can be uncovered by viewing his writing through an honour-shame lens. Most Eastern cultures are ‘high-context’, where communication is not purely explicit but also involves implicit cues. Based on this understanding of communication in Roman culture, Wu believes that Paul also uses indirect or implicit communication.

Therefore, it is necessary to read between the lines in order to understand Paul’s purpose. Wu uses this idea of indirect communication to harmonise the multiple purposes found in Romans. One purpose is Paul’s missionary purpose, found in the letter frame, which describes Paul’s desire for the support of the Roman church for his missionary work in Spain. Another purpose is Paul’s pastoral purpose, found in the letter body, which addresses the local concerns of division within the Roman church. By viewing Paul’s theological arguments in the letter body as indirect communication, Wu places the pastoral purpose under Paul’s missionary purpose.


According to Wu, Paul realises that social divisions would have undermined Rome’s ability to assist Paul in his journey to Spain. However, Paul’s concern was not just Jewish ethnic pride, but also Roman ethnic pride. Roman Christians prided themselves of being Greek (ἑλλην), and this had the potential to be an obstacle for the support in reaching the ‘barbarians’ of Spain. Paul implicitly addresses this pride by showing how God is against Jewish (and therefore Roman) ethno-centrism. He also reminds the Romans that they are “mere Gentiles” (ἐθνη) within God’s salvation plan. Paul uses this implicitly critique within the letter body to establish support for his missionary work to Spain.

Wu argues that the key honour-shame word in Romans is glory. A theme found throughout Romans is the glory of God, which refers to God’s status or honour as king. Humanity’s glory is restored through Christ, who unites us to the glory of God by conforming us to be in his image (Rom 8:29-30), restoring our status as children and coheirs with Christ. Wu turns to Romans 5-8 to unpack what humanity’s hope of glory entails.

Wu defines this as the “glory from God given at believers’ resurrection.” Because of sin, people had given up God’s immortal glory (1:23). By turning away from God as their source of glory, they also had forsaken their own glory, receiving death in the process. God restores this glory by “freeing us from the shame of slavery to death” and granting us immortality (8:11). In Romans 8, Paul appeals to God’s love, the Spirit, and the new status as means for


persevering in order to receive the hope of glory. Wu uses the idea of boasting to distinguish whether one receives God’s glory. It is those who boast (or rejoice) in the glory of God, even in the midst of suffering, who receive glory (5:2). On the other hand, those who boast in human glory and praise cannot please God (8:8) and will not receive glory (8:17). This glory is given to us by the Spirit and involves both resurrection and adoption (8:16). It also involves a subjective transformation of the heart. This transforms the standard of honour; Christians now seek to honour God with how they live (8:4-9). Wu states “God’s people are now willing to “lose face” in order to give God “face.” ”

Paul links the ideas of glory with suffering. Firstly, God uses shame for glory. Secondly, God regards shame as glory. This is most evident in the crucifixion. The cross is considered shameful by the world, but God uses it to display his glory. Consequently, what
was shameful by the world is now considered glorious. Through Christ’s example, God transforms how Christians view honour-shame; God’s people are now honoured through their suffering and shame. Suffering is necessary as a way to express our loyalty to Christ and will be vindicated by God (8:17). Wu suggest that this has implications for how we live now. Firstly, we have a new


identity as children and co-heirs with Christ (8:17). This new identity changes where we look to for honour; we need to seek honour from God rather than the world. According to Paul, where we source our honour is a matter of life and death (8:13). This also shapes how we communicate the gospel. An honour-shame framework might focus on resurrection as freedom from the shame of sin and a new allegiance to Christ as king.

While Western gospel presentations focus on what we are saved from, Romans 5-8 describes the outcome of salvation in the here and now. Believers are now part of a new family, with the power of the
Spirit to honour God their Father.
While there are risks involved with imposing cultural readings on biblical texts, Wu’s conclusions offer a unique perspective on Romans that may address some missing pieces in Western theology. Wu’s book offers useful reflections not only on discipleship but also on mission and evangelism in honour-shame contexts.

 

[RiverOL]

Sharing the Good News about Jesus Is a Joy, Not a Burden​

Isaiah 52:7 says, “How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness” (ESV). Here God tells us directly that as His followers, our mission is bringing everyone the “good news of happiness” about Jesus. This shouldn’t be seen as a grim duty, but as a sheer delight and a privilege for us to do so. After all, the gospel is the best news there has ever been or ever will be!


Consider these thoughts from Lesslie Newbigin (1909-1998), a British theologian, missiologist, missionary, and author:

There has been a long tradition which sees the mission of the Church primarily as obedience to a command. It has been customary to speak of “the missionary mandate.” This way of putting the matter is certainly not without justification, and yet it seems to me that it misses the point. It tends to make mission a burden rather than a joy, to make it part of the law rather than part of the gospel. If one looks at the New Testament evidence one gets another impression.

Mission begins with a kind of explosion of joy. The news that the rejected and crucified Jesus is alive is something that cannot possibly be suppressed. It must be told. Who could be silent about such a fact? The mission of the Church in the pages of the New Testament is more like the fallout from a vast explosion, a radioactive fallout which is not lethal but life-giving.
One searches in vain through the letters of St. Paul to find any suggestion that he anywhere lays it on the conscience of his readers that they ought to be active in mission. For himself it is inconceivable that he should keep silent. “Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel!” (1 Cor. 9:16). But no where do we find him telling his readers that they have a duty to do so.


…[In] the sermon of Peter on the day of Pentecost…something is happening which prompts the crowd to come together and ask, “What is going on?” The answer of Peter is in effect a statement that what is going on is that the last day has arrived and the powers of the new age are already at work, and that this is so because of the life, ministry, death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus. The sermon leads up to a climax in the citing of the Psalm 110 (Acts 2:34). Jesus, whom they had crucified, is now seated at the right hand of God until all things are put under his feet. This is the reality which all human beings must henceforth take into account. The real government of the universe, the final reality which in the end confronts every human being, is the crucified and risen Jesus.

And to the question “What, then, are we to do?” the answer is “Repent and be baptized in the name of Jesus.” To repent is to do the U-turn of the mind which enables you to believe what is hidden from sight, the reality of the presence of the reign of God in the crucified Jesus. …To be baptized is to be incorporated into the dying of Jesus so as to become a participant in his risen life, and so to share his ongoing mission to the world. It is to be baptized into his mission.

His mission. It is of the greatest importance to recognize that it remains his mission. One of the dangers of emphasizing the concept of mission as a mandate given to the Church is that it tempts us to do what we are always tempted to do, namely to see the work of mission as a good work and to seek to justify ourselves by our works. On this view, it is we who must save the unbelievers from perishing. The emphasis of the New Testament, it seems to me, is otherwise.

Even Jesus himself speaks of his words and works as not his own but those of the Father. His teaching is the teaching of the Father, and his mighty works are the work of the Father. So also in the Synoptic Gospels, the mighty works of Jesus are the work of God’s kingly power, of his Spirit. So also with the disciples. It is the Spirit who will give them power and the Spirit who will bear witness. It is not that they must speak and act, asking the help of the Spirit to do so. It is rather that in their faithfulness to Jesus they become the place where the Spirit speaks and acts.

 

[RiverOL]

Mistakes in Gathering​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself—Galatians 6:3​

When we men relent and finally accept that we’re designed for community with other men, we nearly always start with the wrong criteria for choosing which men. We often plot and single out guys that are cool or rich or connected or well-educated or who’d be good to know from a work perspective. And, if we don’t fall into those traps, we choose guys that are just a lot like us. We each think, subconsciously almost, “If I’ve got to devote myself to a handful of other men, I’m going to make sure they have some strategic value to me—worldly value, to my career or to my social standing—or, at the very least, they’re men who won’t challenge me or make me uncomfortable.” Such plotting is a mistake. It’s driven by pride—that we somehow know better than God how these communities should come together. We must instead follow the blueprint given us by our King, Jesus Christ. He never once used this “strategic value” analysis. Throughout the Gospel, he spent time with people whom God the Father wanted him to—people with whom it made no sense to spend time, from a worldly perspective. Adopting this blueprint, the Apostle Paul wrote: “Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight” (Romans 12:16).

Okay, so what do we do?​ Pray that God brings the right men. Allow him to connect you to men who are willing to commit and surrender, willing to be transparent, are desperate for him. Be forewarned, though, the group that comes together will probably look nothing like what you expect . . . and that’s good. Groups we create ourselves, based on worldly criteria, aren’t worth our time. Groups that God creates for us are worth everything.

 

[RiverOL]

How to Deal With Past Hurts and Resentments in Marriage​

When my husband and I got married shortly after I graduated college, I waged a personal vendetta against him which dated back to high school.
Sounds crazy, right? Why would I marry someone I harbored resentment against? I was hurt by something that had happened in the past, and I refused to let it go.


It should’ve been settled long ago, and it was…for him. Long before he’d asked me to marry him, he’d put the incident in a box and stuck it way back in the corner of his mind.
Not me.

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It was such a tiny thing, but it burrowed down into my heart and took root where I nursed and cared for it. And like anything that’s well cared for, it grew.
I put the incident in a prominent place in our lives. I wielded that thing like an ancient torture device against my husband. If we had a problem, I’d pull it out. My attitude was killing my marriage before it got started.

The problem with holding onto old hurts is you accumulate new ones. Little hurts become bigger ones when we nurse them and pile new ones on top.
We say we want a harmonious relationship, but when we let hurts get in the way, it becomes difficult. There’s nothing more dangerous to a marriage than unhealed hurts.

We all have a default setting called “human.” When we default to human, our selfish, retaliatory nature comes out like a roaring lion. We think the other person deserves to hurt like they hurt us. We justify our feelings as “righteous.” But, God doesn’t.


I had to make a decision to let it go. I still have to decide to let go of things that hurt me, if I want a healthy marriage.
Maybe you’re holding on to something that has happened in your past. Maybe it’s not a hurt your husband caused. Maybe it’s a wound inflicted by someone else in your life.
Letting go of past hurts isn’t easy, but it is necessary.
Here are steps I use when working through hurts or resentments in my marriage:

1. Pray
Tell God how you feel. He’ll understand. Tell Him you’re angry or hurt or lonely. He’ll comfort and reassure you. He may even give you a new attitude towards the situation. He might even make you aware of your contribution to the situation.

2. Forgive yourself
This is harder than it sounds because many times when we’re hurt, we blame ourselves to a certain degree. Maybe we’ve done something to contribute to the situation. I partly blamed myself for the high-school hurt. So, the madder I got at myself, the madder I got at him. Begin with forgiving yourself.

3. Separate yourself
This can be as simple as going into a room alone to pray and think about the situation or taking a walk. Try to look at the situation from an objective point of view. Pretend you’re talking to a friend. How would you advise her? Tell her how you would’ve handled the situation differently.


4. Write about it
Writing is a healthy outlet because you can get your point across without someone interrupting you. Be real. Write about how you feel, why you’re hurt. What you’d like to see happen. Write all the things you’d like to say to your husband—yeah, even the ugly things. After you’ve exhausted your feelings on paper, tear it up. Then write another letter telling him how you feel.
Use language that expresses how you feel, not what he did. It’s a good idea to start by telling him things you appreciate about him. Tell him you know he didn’t mean to hurt you (and chances are he really didn’t). Then close by acknowledging your contribution to the situation or how you could’ve handled it differently.
If he did intend to hurt you, tell him you are working through forgiving him. Remember you love him. The disagreement or hurt isn’t bigger than your relationship.

5. Hold hands
When I was newly married, someone advised me to always hold hands with my husband, even when I’m unhappy with him. Holding hands was difficult for me. It wasn’t modeled for me growing up. But, there’s something about physical touch that softens the heart.
When we say “I do,” we relinquish all rights to hold on to stuff. If we’ve made a commitment to God, part of that commitment includes making our marriages the best they can be. Go to the source of all forgiveness: Jesus Christ. It is crucial to the ability to let go.

 

[RiverOL]

7 Ways to Avoid a Toxic Relationship​

Dear Terry,
My husband and I have been married for six years. When we started dating, it was like fireworks going off every time we were together. We could not keep our hands off of each other. In the past three years, things have really soured between us and I am no longer in love with him. His business went belly up a few years ago and that’s when he just stopped caring about everything, especially me.



Prior to losing his business, we had problems because my husband worked too much and ignored me at home saying he was tired. Things are much worse now. I have to make an appointment to see him but half of those are not kept. He lies about where he is or where he has been. I am so heart broken and he just goes on with his same daily routine. I don’t know if he has a girlfriend but he would probably deny it. I don’t know how to leave but I do think it wouldn’t come as a surprise to our kids because their dad is never home and they either see us arguing or living separate lives.
Please tell me if my marriage is worth saving!

Sincerely,
Sabrina

Dear Sabrina,
Hello. I understand your situation and believe a counselor might be able to help you. This is a common, complicated situation and should not be taken lightly or quickly. You can get a referral from friends or your physician. You should take it slow and speak to a professional counselor in person. But I would consider marriage counseling first if you have not tried it and you are both willing to attend.



If your husband is unwilling to participate in couples counseling, you should consider going by yourself to get a better perspective on your life and clarity about your future. That being said, you deserve to be loved and respected and to live a life with some joy and appreciation from a partner.
Letting go of toxic relationships is never easy. Yet with self-awareness and tools, you can begin to value yourself enough to set better boundaries with your husband if you choose to stay married. And it is possible to end a relationship or marriage that is self-defeating, abusive, or self-destructive and to thrive with support from others and improved self-esteem.

Before you can begin to build successful relationships, you must have healthy self-esteem – which means believing in yourself. One of the key things to consider is: how do you treat yourself? No one will treat you with respect if you devalue yourself. You must rid yourself of self-defeating thoughts such as “I’m stupid” or “No one will ever love me” if you want to build relationships based on love, trust, and intimacy.

If your romantic relationship or marriage brings out your insecurities and causes you to mistrust your own judgment this relationship may not be the best one for you. Many people become involved or even obsessed with the wrong partner – someone who is emotionally unavailable, romantically involved with other partners, addicted to substances – or who cannot love them back.


Many people who are in unhealthy relationships ask themselves “Why do I stay with a partner who treats me poorly? Or, “How can I be sure to recognize destructive patterns in relationships and take steps to change them?”

7 ways to avoid a toxic relationship and have a healthy partnership:

1. Increase self-awareness about the choices you make in relationships. For instance, many people settle for relationships that are wrong for them because they fear being single. Women are especially likely to feel stigma when they are not part of a couple.
2. Give thought to your deal breakers. According to Huffington Post Divorce editor, Brittany Wong, it’s important to ask yourself “What are your deal breakers – the laundry list of things you simply won’t tolerate in someone you’re thinking of getting serious with?” Try making a list of at least ten characteristics that are essential to you in a partner such as being active or affectionate.
3. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. When you compromise too many of the values that are important to you, these relationships usually fail. Focus on your deal breakers and pick a partner who is someone who you can share a life with and deepen your love with over time.
4. Set an expectation of mutual respect. You can accept, admire, and respect each other for who you are. If you don’t have respect for your partner, it will eat away at chemistry until you have nothing left. A partner who truly cares about you is a boost to your self-esteem. He or she values you, gives you compliments, and encourages you to do things that are in your best interest.
5. Notice if your partner keeps his/her agreements. Are they someone who you can trust because they demonstrate consistency between their words and actions? When someone is interested in you, they’ll keep their agreements.
6. Seek a partner who you have both chemistry and compatibility with. Even if you meet someone who is not a heart-throb, be patient and see if your attraction grows over time. Look for qualities such as compassion, generosity, and consideration because these are characteristics that describe someone who is a dynamite long-term partner.
7. Don’t compromise your values. Figure out your core beliefs and stand by them. Ask for what you need and speak up when something bothers you.

The best partner will compliment you and bring out your very best. When you are with him or her, you will begin to see untapped possibilities within yourself and in the world. Author Jill P. Weber writes: “The more you view others’ mistreatment of you as something you have the ability to fix, tweak, or amend, the harder it is to develop a positive sense of yourself. Seeing yourself exclusively from the eyes of others disconnects you from the day-to-day, moment to moment experience of your life.”

 

[RiverOL]

3 Ways to Know If You’re Ready For a Relationship​

Do you think you are ready to enter a committed relationship ? Read below, to see if you truly are !

1. Do you Love the Lord with all Your Heart ?​

Is the Lord your everything ? A good indicator that God is your everything is seeing where you spend your time. How much time do you devote yourself to the Word and prayer ? Are you filling your mind with that which will put your affections on things above? Is making Jesus’ name known a top priority? Are you serving in your local body? Remember, loving the Lord is the biggest commandment God has given us.


To be in a relationship and ultimately marriage that is successful, one must be rooted in the foundation of God. When God brings two people together, it’s for the furtherance of God’s kingdom. Your season of singleness must be focused on learning your role as a child of God.
When you enter a relationship you are not looking for someone to complete you. That’s God’s job. This foundation will help you when your relationship will go through tough times (which it will). When your partner doesn’t give you the attention you need you can rest knowing that God has your back!

2. Are you the Petty Master?​

If you are entering a relationship you must ensure that all feelings of animosity from the past are resolved. Ex – relationships that have left you with lingering feelings of anger, wrath and spite must be resolved. If you had a bad childhood, you’d be surprised how such trauma can be projected on future relationships. Ask God to examine your thoughts and heart and allow Him to bring healing to any unresolved issues. Constantly take authority over thoughts that bring animosity. Forgive those who have wronged you. The Bible takes it one step further and even says to pray for those who persecute you. Remember, you want your new relationship to start on a clean slate. In the present, you must be one who doesn’t get easily angered over small things.

3. Are you Creating a Better Future for Yourself?​

Are you someone with ambition ? Are you working to create a future for not just yourself, but those around you ? You can take courses to learn practical household keeping skills such as cooking. Are you working, in school, focused on your business ? Do you practice good discipline and working towards building good credit, budgeting and more ? Are you actively finding ways to get out of debt ? These are some of the many questions to ask yourself. Don’t stress if you have not mastered good stewardship principles. You can always start practicing now ! This is important because your significant other would want you to bring something to the table as well.

 

[RiverOL]

What It Takes To Truly See Someone​

We live in New York and walk by thousands of people every day. A group of friends was talking recently about whether or not New Yorkers are rude or if they are just busy, unable to stop and see every one of the millions of others in the city.
The conversation made me think about what it takes to truly see someone. As much as New Yorkers can’t interact deeply with every person they come across, there is a large amount of “people watching” we do. On the trains. In the park. Waiting to cross the street. We’re glancing around and noticing individuals for one reason or another. And there is the constant flow of people in the background, a blurred sort of motion that adds energy to the setting of the city.



But how often do I truly see someone? Even my friends and family. Those I do know and have developed relationships with. Is it possible I don’t even see them?

Look Around​

Seeing people takes looking. What I mean is, it takes intent. If I am glancing at people on the train because I am bored, I will see them only enough to quell my boredom. If I pay attention to the people in my life only to the degree they validate or affirm me, I will only see them for that purpose. I’ll lose interest as soon as the purpose isn’t being met.

We see to the degree we look. If I want to truly see someone, it takes intent. I have to be interested in who they are. One of the hardest things about truly seeing others is that we are so stuck in our own heads. People are pawns. To truly see them, we have to want to truly see them.


This is a question of value. If we value people as means to our ends, we will see them as such. But if we see people as part of a more royal WE who are pursuing the mission of communal life together, we will see them as a kind of partner on the journey. An extension of who we are and how our identity achieves purpose rather than an other who really has nothing to do with ME.

Know Your Filters​

Once we establish the true value of another, the way their diversity and opinion and perspective can serve the whole, the next step to truly seeing someone is internal.
We all have filters that affect the way we see one another. We have a bias toward political parties, religiousness, and sports teams, just to name a few easy ones. We start to color people based on these biases; it is the way our brains make quick work of perceiving people. But sometimes our biases are inaccurate. Sometimes they are dead wrong.

The important thing to consider is that most of what we think when we judge another person is more indicative of us and our perceptions than the deep truth of the person we are interacting with. The humility to understand our own filters won’t keep us from seeing through them. But it will help us to understand what we are seeing and why.


And being aware of this makes it much more likely for us to see the holes or inaccuracies of our own filters. It makes it more likely to see the other person for who they are rather than for what our filters make of them.

Listen​

Most of the time, when we are listening to someone, we are just waiting for our turn to speak. We are thinking about ourselves and how this applies to our own lives. Which of MY stories can I tell in this context? What knowledge can I display in this conversation?

We are all fighting so hard to be heard. That includes the person you are trying to see. If we can’t hear, truly hear, what another person is saying, we cannot truly see them. This is an unfortunate reality in many close relationships, including marriages. We are competing to be heard. And nobody is winning. Like belonging, being heard is a two way street. Being seen is a two-way street. If we want it for ourselves, we have to be willing to be on the other side of it too.

 

[RiverOL]

5 Questions to Ask Potential Marital Partners​

Who we choose to marry is one of the most important and costliest decisions a person will make, yet it’s not uncommon for lovers to make errors in judgment. Why does this happen? One reason is that most of us aren’t raised with a healthy template of marriage to follow. We also lack self-awareness and may be afraid of ending up alone. Taking a closer look at a potential partners’ beliefs, values, and expectations will set you up for a more successful partnership.
Happy couple embracing and laughing on the beach


5 questions to ask potential marital partners:
1. Who are their parents? Include questions about marital history, mental illness and substance abuse, etc.. Don’t shy away from asking questions now that may blindside you later. It’s better to be forewarned because some qualities have a genetic component.

2. What is their typical way of dealing with conflict? Don’t assume that your partner has good anger management skills. Does he/she usually take responsibility for his/her actions or blame someone else? Do they tend to stonewall or withdraw from conflict or see it as an opportunity for growth?
3. How does your partner feel about having children? How many children do they consider the best number if they want them? Do they believe that couples should share chores and childcare responsibilities?
4. What are their values and beliefs about infidelity?

5. What is their view of divorce? What would they consider a good solution to a period when your marriage is rocky?
Perhaps the first step in deciding whether a person is a good risk for marriage is to get clarity around “deal breakers” and “deal makers.” It’s crucial to know those things that are important to you from the list above (or other questions) and to not compromise too many of your values and beliefs.


There is no such thing as a perfect partner. You might want to ask yourself this question: Is there something about the way that he/she treats me that makes me a bigger and better person? If the answer is no, ask yourself: Am I settling for less than I deserve in the relationship? There is an art to living alone and it can give us the experience of knowing ourselves better and more clearly what we want in a marriage.

Are you wondering if you are wasting your time with the wrong person? It’s understandable that you’d have a need for certainty before continuing to pursue the commitment of marriage. Taking your time to get to know someone over a few years can improve the chances that you have selected a partner who is a good match for you. It’s never wise to panic and jump into a commitment because you believe that the clock is ticking or most of your friends are married.

If you feel that your partner is the right person for you but you still fear commitment, you might want to consider the following: Know that no relationship is conflict free, but you are worthy of having a relationship that makes you happy. If you aren’t there yet, embrace where you are now. What is it that holds you back from achieving a satisfying relationship? And once you have it, what will you do when you get there?


The best partner will compliment you and bring out your very best. When you are with him or her, you will begin to see untapped possibilities within yourself and in the world. In any relationship, you will face ups and downs and your love will be tested. However, where admiration and respect are found, love will be sustained. But where these things are absent, love will die. Finding a partner who likes and respects you as much as you do him/her will give you the best chance of finding long-lasting love.

 

[RiverOL]

Whose Decision Is It?​

One of the things that can quickly derail our ability to make decisions is the difficult, but necessary question: is this really our decision to make?
Often, when life is throwing difficult choices at us, full of unforeseen consequences and hard lines in the sand, we turn away from those decisions and try to make others that are less threatening to us. And one of the popular ways we do this creative displacement is by adopting the offenses of others. We get all hot and bothered about decisions our friends need to make. We become overly invested in choices facing characters on our favorite TV show.


At work, we often try to make the choices of our managers or coworkers. We think we should be running the show. Which, again, is just our way of avoiding taking responsibility for the difficult decisions that are in our control.

Mine?​

It can be difficult to figure out whether a decision is yours or not. Of course, there are plenty of extreme and absurd situations we both know are clear and you can drop them immediately. But there is some gray, some middle ground.
We like to think we are best postured to make every choice. We are well-equipped to decide how a project at work should go or how someone else should act. We know what the government should or should not do. Each person seems to have the market cornered on what is justice, wisdom, and prudence. We want to make all the choices (except the ones we don’t want to make, which we would like to be the ones to discern, thank you very much).



I read a book recently that talked about decision-making in an organization as a tree. The more vital a part of the tree is (say root versus leaf) to the life of the organization, the higher up the ladder the decision should go. So, if a choice going sour is a risk equivalent of a leaf falling from a tree, the employee should not be afraid to make that choice. But if the decision could cause the whole root system to rot, they should at least check in with a supervisor.

A friend told us about a sermon he once heard where a child-rearing illustration was used. A set of parents told their kids there were three kinds of decisions: one they get a view in, one they get a voice in, and one they get a vote in. The family worked through which decisions fit into which category.
Both of these are tools to help figure out who should be making what decision. When we clarify who is responsible, who needs to take ownership, we set ourselves up for better lives, organizations, and families.

Getting THERE​

As stated, though, the issue becomes our warped and biased perspectives. When should we get a vote or a voice versus just a view? When we try to navigate discerning these distinctions, we are often clouded by pride and our predisposition toward our own comfort.


The deciding factor ought to be this: what is best for the mission we are trying to achieve.

When we are talking about personal character, you are always the best one to make the decision. You are the acting force on your own life. So, with the input of others, you are always best postured to achieve the mission of character.

When it comes to groups–families, work, etc.–it gets a bit more complicated. Who on the team is best postured and equipped to make the decision? Whose choice can most effectively move us toward our vision? And, no matter what specific choice we are talking about, what are the supplementary choices each team member can make (such as providing research/information, not gossiping, being supportive, raising concerns constructively, etc.) to do their part in furthering the mission?
Life is an overwhelming array of choices. We often avoid the ones we can make by focusing on the ones we shouldn’t.

Working through the question “who is best postured to make this choice” (in order to achieve stated visions), will help us find some footing in an otherwise shaky foundation. It will help us make sense of all we are facing and approach our own choices with courage, while letting go of the decisions that rightfully belong with someone else.

 

[RiverOL]

Don’t Forget the Invite​ [ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . and he will give you another Helper—John 14:16​

With his time on earth ending, Jesus told his disciples, “I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever . . .” (John 14:16-17). This Helper “will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you” (John 14:26). He will “guide you into all the truth” (John 16:13). Jesus was comforting his disciples. “Let not your hearts be troubled,” he said (John 14:27). Though he was going away, they would not be abandoned. There’s someone coming, he told them, who’ll be with them all-the-time and forever. A constant companion. One who will actually occupy a place deep within their inner machinery. He “dwells with you and will be in you” (John 14:17). This “someone” is, of course, God the Holy Spirit—and he was not just for the disciples. He is for us too. He is our constant companion. He abides with us and occupies a place deep within our inner machinery too.

Okay, so what do we do?​ When you gather in Christian brotherhood, you mustn’t forget to invite, into your gatherings, the input and influence of your Helper, your Teacher, your Guide. You needn’t invite him. He’ll be there already, for sure. But he won’t force his input and influence—you’ll need to ask for them. You’ll need to invite his goodness and light . . . and especially into the dark places you’d prefer to keep hidden. Few of us want help in those places, but we must ask nonetheless. It’s in those places that we most need it. It’s in those places that the Spirit most wants to work. And, as reluctant as we might be, it’s sure easier to trust and ask for help together, with brothers standing by us, doing the same.