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- Thread starter RiverOL
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Your 7 most important relationships.
Your life will ultimately be defined by your relationships.
I learned this life-defining principle when I was a kid. My mom was a hospice nurse and I would occasionally tag along on her house calls as she compassionately cared for her dying patients. As I hung out with people who knew their time on earth was short, I was amazed at how similar their priorities were.
Whether we are rich or poor, young or old, black or white, male or female, educated or illiterate, when we come to the end of life, what matters most is remarkably similar for everyone. Love is all that matters.
I never heard a dying person talking about money, or hobbies or work or the stuff that tends to add stress to our daily lives. They wanted to be surrounded by people, not possessions. I learned that every joy a person has at the end of life will be the result of a relationship and every significant regret a person has will be the result of a failure in a relationship.
So, if life is truly defined by relationships, then how do we create stronger relationships?
Thankfully, God gives us the answer. He is the one who made love the central focus of life, and He’s also the one who shows us how to do it well in our relationships.
As I read the Bible (the World’s Greatest Relationship Manual), I see “7 Life-Defining Relationships” that are clearly taught throughout. Technically, every person on earth will fit into one of these seven relationships, which make sense, because we’re supposed to love everybody.
Love will look differently based on the nature of the relationship, so below are the seven relationships and the key to thriving in each of them. For more on these principles, plus other tools to help you build stronger faith, family and friendships, check out my new book “The Seven Laws of Love: Essential Principles for Building Stronger Relationships”
How to thrive in your 7 most important relationships:
1. Your relationship with God requires wholehearted devotion.
Your relationship with God is the foundation on which all other relationships are built. One of the most beautiful truths of the Bible (and life itself) is that God loves us. He wants to be in relationship with you. He doesn’t want to give you “religion”; He wants to give you a life of love.
“Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.” —Matthew 22:37–38
2. Your relationship with your spouse (for those who are married) requires lifelong commitment.
Love, by its very nature, is a commitment (not a feeling). Of all human relationships, marriage is the one where the commitment of love is most sacred. Remember, a “perfect marriage” is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other!
“But for those who are married, I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord. A wife must not leave her husband. But if she does leave him, let her remain single or else be reconciled to him. And the husband must not leave his wife.” -1 Corinthians 7:10-11
For tools to help you build a rock-solid marriage, you can download our new Marriage App on iTunes by clicking here. A Facebook login is required to access the app.
3. Your relationship with your family requires your time.
Time is the “currency of relationships,” so to invest in your family, you need to invest your time. They need more of your “presence,” not more of your “presents.” We display our love, honor and affection for our families by being there for them not just in the moments that are convenient for us, but the moments most important to them.
“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” —Romans 12:10
4. Your relationship with your friends requires loyalty.
Loving your family means having their backs. A strong friendship isn’t made up of two strong people. It’s two people, devoted to each other, who take turns being strong for each other in the moments the other feels weak.
“A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.” -Proverbs 17:17
5. Your relationship with your “neighbors” requires compassion.
In the Parable of the “Good Samaritan”, Jesus teaches that a good neighbor is one who has compassion and concern for his or her fellow neighbors (even if those “neighbors” are strangers who don’t live anywhere near your neighborhood).
For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” -Galatians 5:14
6. Your relationship with yourself requires both confidence and humility.
God wants you to be confident in your eternal value in His eyes, but He also wants you to be humble enough to put others ahead of yourself. Humility doesn’t mean thinking less of yourself; it just means thinking of yourself less.
“Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.” -Philippians 2:3-5
7. Your relationship with your “enemies” requires grace and compassion.
It’s been said that “holding a grudge is like drinking poison and then hoping the other person dies.” God wants to give you the strength to not just “tolerate” your enemies, but to genuinely love them. Only God’s grace can make this possible, but once we embrace it, we can find true peace.
“Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” -Romans 12:17-18
4 Ways to Get Your Marriage Back on Track
Have you ever thought “Crap, I married the wrong person” ?
Marriage has a lot less to do with marrying the right person and more to do with doing the right things with the person you married.
Maybe you’re in a rough spot in your marriage and you’re having a hard time finding your way back to “happily ever after.”
When things aren’t going well, there’s hope. You can get your relationship back on track.
Why You Said ‘I Do’
Here are four ways to remind yourself of why you said, “I do” in the first place and to bring back that loving feeling:- Listen--It’s natural to want to express your viewpoint, especially when you disagree. Everyone wants to be heard. When a situation is heated, it’s easy to begin criticizing, condemning and complaining. When you’re criticizing and condemning, you’re no longer listening. Instead your focus shifts to your husband’s negative traits. Complaining places the focus on problems instead of solutions. Seek to understand his point of view by listening. Try to put yourself in his shoes. You don’t have to agree with him, but you can show him respect and validate him by listening to what he has to say. Then you can respond by letting him know you understand why he feels the way he feels.
- Touch--Touch is a powerful form of nonverbal communication. It’s easy to want to disengage when you disagree. Touch is a fundamental human need. It communicates connection and reassurance. Instead of moving away from your husband during a disagreement, move towards him. Initiate physical touch. A gentle touch can communicate compassion and love. Place your hand on his leg or shoulder. Hug him or kiss him to diffuse the situation.
- Be quiet–Once words come out of your mouth, you can never take them back. In the heat of the moment, you might want to say something you’ll later regret. Calling names, being sarcastic and mocking will probably escalate the disagreement and could produce feelings of contempt. Instead of responding out of anger, take time to calm down. Resume the conversation when you’ve had time to think and can respond in a rational way.
- Kindness–When you re-engage in the discussion, be kind. Keep your voice low and soft. And don’t minimize your husband’s concerns. Affirm him. Remind him you are on the same team, and your disagreement is not more important than your relationship.
Jesus Christ Has a Body – and It’s the Church
Jesus Christ has a Body, of which each individual Christian is to be a member. If you are living as a Christian without being part of the local church, you are like a body part trying to live without being part of the body. In bodies, this leads quickly to death. In the lives of Christians, it leads to spiritual death, but much more slowly.
Maybe a simple diagram will help.
Many Christians believe that the relationship between Jesus, the Church, and the individual believer looks like this:
Christ-Christian-Church
In this view, Jesus has a personal and individual relationship with each Christian believer, apart from the Church. The Church is at the end of this relationship and is seen as optional. Since each believer has his own relationship directly with Jesus, he doesn’t need the Church. Now he may want it as a devotional aid, something to help him in his personal walk with God, but he doesn’t need it.
But the way God portrays the relationship is actually like this:
Christ-Church-Christian
Jesus has established a close, personal union with His Bride and His Body, the Church. Individual Christians are members of Christ only when they are also members of the Church. Remember: members can only live in relation to the whole body.
When Paul calls the Church the Body of Jesus Christ, he really means it. The Church is His physical, bodily presence on earth.
Are you Married in real life, yet Single Online?
What we post online matters, and it can have a great effect on our spouse and marriage. In this digital age, we put on a kind of “online wedding ring” every time we post pictures and comments on social media forums like Facebook and Instagram. Yet, some spouses want to take this online wedding ring off and appear unmarried ONLINE when they are in fact married in real life. Why is that, and how can we protect our marriages from this destructive path?
Facebook and Instagram have become some of the most visible places where we share snapshots of our lives. It’s a fun way to connect, but it also carries a lot of weight and responsibility with it. What we put out there for everyone to see can greatly impact our marriage–especially when it comes to how we respond to other’s posts, what we post about our spouse and ourselves, or lacking to post any pics of or reference to our spouse altogether online.
When it comes to social media, there are certain rules we must follow to protect ourselves and our families and wear our online wedding ring well . Here they are in no particular order:
1. Don’t use social media as a means to “harmlessly” flirt with anyone other than your spouse.
First of all, let me be crystal clear here–there is no such thing as harmless flirtation. Whenever we flirt with anyone other than our spouse, we are opening ourselves up to a world of hurt and disappointment, and it goes directly against our marriage vows of “forsaking all others.”
We can’t have a strong and thriving marriage without trust. However, some are to tempted to flirt with outsiders in an effort to feel wanted, especially when going through a tough time in their marriage. Friend, please know that this is NOT the answer.
If you have any “friends” on Facebook or Instagram that you are tempted to flirt with–by “liking” or commenting on many of their pictures and posts, sending them messages on FB, or even responding to their flirtatious comments–, I highly encourage you to “UNFRIEND” THEM and focus on healing your marriage. You will be so glad that you did and your marriage will be stronger for it.
2. Don’t seek out your old flames or “friend/follow” them on social media.
This may seem harmless, but again, we are opening ourselves up to old feelings and a walk down memory lane that has the potential to hurt our marriage. This behavior disrespects our spouse and misleads the old flame, and it blurs the lines of healthy boundaries that must be in place when we are married.
A good rule of thumb whenever we are searching for a certain person on social media and going through his/her posts is to ask ourselves if we would feel comfortable with our spouse sitting right beside us we proceed with these searches, comments, and “likes”. We should also consider whether or not we would like our spouse to be looking up his/her old flames. I have a feeling that the answer would probably be “No” for all of us, if we are honest with ourselves. This doesn’t mean that we don’t trust our spouse or that he/she doesn’t trust us; it just means that we want to do everything we can to build trust, respect our spouse, and protect our marriage. And, honestly, keeping up a relationship with an old flame both in person and online is counterproductive and potentially damaging to our marriage.
If you have already crossed the line and are in regular contact with an old flame on social media, end the conversation and connection immediately. Don’t let it linger and get emotionally or physically involved. Your husband/wife deserves your full heart and devotion. So, end this now and focus on healing and strengthening your marriage.
3. Don’t make consistent posts WITHOUT including your spouse.
This may seem like a silly rule to some, but I’ve heard from too many who have disregarded this rule, only to end up hurting their spouse and damaging their marriage. When we constantly post pics and content all about ourselves, our hobbies, our friends, our kids, our likes/dislikes, our travels, etc.–and we never include our spouse–there is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed.
When we disregard this rule, we end up projecting an image of a life that is essentially spouseless–like refusing to wear a wedding ring. It’s confusing to our “friends/followers” on social media, but most of all, it’s hurtful to our spouse.
We must be willing to take a long, hard look at how we are managing our social media. If we scroll through our wall on Facebook (or our feed on Instagram) and find that there are very little pics, posts, comments, or tags that involve our spouse, then we need to ask ourselves why. Why portray a life without our spouse online? We must be brutally honest with ourselves and our spouse about this.
These questions may help you get to the heart of the issue:
Am I wanting to flirt and have some semblance of relational “freedom” online?
Am I ashamed of my spouse and family situation?
Am I being prideful?
Am I trying to hurt my spouse?
If you realize that this is something you are struggling with, then I encourage you to sit down with your spouse and apologize. Admit that how you’ve been handling your social media has not been appropriate or respectful to him/her. Ask your spouse what you can do to make it up to him/her, and be willing to make positive changes and embrace healthy boundaries that will protect your marriage and build your spouse’s trust.
The pics and content we post online aren’t just a social media issue. This is a heart issue that will play out in all areas of our marriage, so it’s important that we address and resolve these misconceptions as soon as possible. If this continues to be a point of contention in our marriage, we might need to close down our social media accounts for awhile to focus on rebuilding trust and respect for one another. And, we will save our marriage from a world of hurt and frustration in the process.
Why More Really is the Answer
More gets a bad wrap. People like me are always writing and raving about the dangers of our MORE obsession. About how our insatiable desire for abundance destroys and deceives us.
But there is another side to our pursuit of More. There is a case to be made that pursuing More leads to innovation, growth, and learning. It is the spur that catalyzes our progress.
So maybe More really is the answer.
Why More
Our obsession with More is dangerous because we have idolized it and derailed its potential.But at the heart of it, our longing for More is a deep inherent hope for beauty and goodness, for truth and love. We want to experience more of life. More is the opposite of apathy, of settling for a life of complacency and indifference. It drives and moves us.
And so, there is within us this beautiful desire for More. It flows like a straight river through our very souls.
The danger comes when we take this straight river and start to dig our own trenches. We try to move the river, remaking it in our own image. We pervert the good desire for More so much that it becomes unrecognizable in its evil. It becomes an idol – we’ll take more of anything. Anything! Just more, more, more. Or we hone in on a lie we believe – more sex, money, social validation. We repurpose the good desire for More into something gross, destructive, and incompatible with the true nature of what we want.
And so we are in conflict. There remains within us this steady, straight-flowing river. But we cannot stay on course. We do not trust its current. And our lives become a scatter of derailments.
How do we get back to the river? How to reclaim the beauty of More? It starts by asking the simple and obvious question: More of what?
More of What
As imperfect human beings, there are nagging realities we have to deal with. Uncertainty. Pain. Negative emotions. And these are a part of our existence we cannot truly eliminate. But we try to.So, for most of us, the obsession with More becomes an attempt to eradicate those elements of existence that do not feel good. We try to avoid uncertainty. We try to avoid difficult circumstances. We try to manipulate the approval of others. We think more money and better looking physical features will help us in these endeavors. We imagine people can’t argue with power and will acknowledge/value us when we are famous. So we go for that. And more of it. And more of it.
The reason more does not work in these cases is not because the idea of more is evil in and of itself but because we have attached it to evil enterprises. If a little of something is inadequate, more of it is just more inadequate. And that is the experience many of us have with trying to satisfy our longing for more.
When my wife and I traveled the world, we saw another side of More. We saw how diversity leads to More truth, how the vastly unique cultures we encountered opened us up to deeper levels of understanding, compassion, and truth. This is why humans are made for families and to participate in community. It gives us More of the good stuff.
The difficulty is that More of the good stuff often requires pressing into those unassailable realities of human existence – uncertainty, discomfort, etc.
So, at the end of the day, we have a choice to make. Love – truly loving ourselves AND one another. Or superficiality – lusting after ourselves alone. No matter which path we choose to place our trust in, the desire for More will be prevalent. It will lead us further into truth or further into destruction.
Does God Use Dreams To Tell Us Something?
Does God use dreams as a means to tell us something? How will we know if it’s from God?
Dreams and Visions
Joel the Prophet wrote of a time to come where God says, “I will pour out my Spirit on all flesh; your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, and your young men shall see visions” (Joel 2:28), and several men in the Bible did have dreams and visions. The list is extensive, and includes Isaiah the Prophet, the Apostle Peter, and the Apostle Paul, so in the past, God has used visions and dreams among His Prophets and Apostles as a message; sometimes even inspired Scripture. The vision of the unclean meats shown to Peter was God’s way of saying that salvation is not only for the Jew, but also for the Gentiles (Acts 10:9-16). When the baker and the cup bearer both had dreams, these dreams were sent from God (Gen 40). It was the same case with Pharaoh (Gen 41).
Joseph acknowledged that he could not interpret dreams, but only God could do that, but God enabled Joseph to interpret the dreams of these men, so dreams are sometimes a way in which God communicates with people. But, does that mean every dream is from God, or most of our dreams are messages from God? Not likely. God can and does use dreams as a way of telling us something, but whether it’s from God or not can be highly subjective…meaning, we could be wrong! Still, from the many people I’ve heard from and read about, I know God is using dreams in their lives. Surely not in every case, but some were obvious from the end results.
Jesus is Calling
There are so many accounts that I’ve read or personally experienced about a person having a dream about Jesus Christ, that we can rule it out coincidence. There are so many different people from all over the world that share similarities in their visions that it can’t be written off as chance. And almost 95% of these reports that I receive are always about Jesus Christ. Usually I refer them to Scripture to let them know more about Jesus, and I believe the Gospel of John is perfectly suited for that.One man who contacted us saw Christ up on a large hill, and He was calling the man to Himself. He exuded a bright, white light, and he had such a sense of peace that he could hardly describe it. There was a feeling of joy, and he felt loved and accepted. This man asked me if it was Jesus calling him. I told him I cannot interpret dreams. Only God can, but I told him that Jesus’ desire is that everyone comes to repentance and faith (John 3:16-17; 1 Tim 2:4; 2 Pet 3:9).
Later the man left his false works-based religion, and rested in the sufficient work of Christ on Calvary. Another man had a very similar and recurring dream for six months. When he finally was able to contact a Christian, he told him about the dream, and the man gave him a Bible. The man trusted in Christ that very night after reading the Gospel of John, and incidentally, he never had that dream again. He was sure it was God Who sent it. I believe it was too!
Visions
I love one definition of visions. They are like waking dreams. In that sense, visions are more real than a dream, but God has also used visions to inform others, or record something. The Book of Revelation and John’s vision would be a great example of how God used visions in a person’s life, but visions may wain at times due to the sinful state of the nation (1 Sam 3:1, 28:6). The Word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision. Genesis 15:1 says that when “the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: “Fear not, Abram, I am your shield; your reward shall be very great.”Most Bible scholars agree that God sent this vision to reassure Abram because he had just defeated an alliance of kings in rescuing Lot, and he may have been worried that they would ally with one another and attack him (Gen 14), so God may have sent this vision to reassure Abraham that he would not be attacked. In the Book of Genesis, “God spoke to Israel in visions of the night and said, “Jacob, Jacob.” And he said, “Here I am” (Gen 46:2). Today, God speaks most clearly in Scripture.
Prophets
God gave Old Testament prophets both dreams and visions. Prophets that had visions included Nathan, Samuel, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Daniel, Amos, Obadiah, Nahum, Habakkuk, and Zechariah. Jeremiah wrote, “And the Lord said to me: “The prophets are prophesying lies in my name. I did not send them, nor did I command them or speak to them. They are prophesying to you a lying vision, worthless divination, and the deceit of their own minds” (Jer 14:14). Today we must be careful about other people’s claims about visions or dreams.When someone tells me, “God told me to tell you” I stop them. Why would God use a third party to tell me something when He can tell me directly or the answer’s already there; in the Bible. Some dreams you can tell are from God. For example, God used a dream to inform an unsaved king, King Abimelech that he was going to die if he touched Abram’s wife.
The Word says, “God came to Abimelech in a dream by night and said to him, “Behold, you are a dead man because of the woman whom you have taken, for she is a man’s wife.” Now Abimelech had not approached her. So he said, “Lord, will you kill u kill an innocent people” (Gen 20:3-4)? All of these dreams or visions were clearly from God, and not of human origin.
Conclusion
Does God use dreams as a means of telling us something? How will we know if it’s from God? First of all, God would never send us a dream to tell us to do something that is contrary to His Word. If you get such a dream, it’s not from God, and is just a random dream that we all have. You can’t base your life or decisions on dreams. Dreams are just too difficult to try and make reason of them all. Some dreams may not be from God, but in fact, from the Enemy (2 Cor 4:4), and experience or dreams can never be placed above Scripture.The Bible is the final authority, not dreams or visions. A former missionary had a dream where he felt God was telling him to divorce his wife so he could go into the mission field permanently, but he never made it. Yes, he divorced his wife, but after the divorce was settled, and all the lawyers got paid and the property liquidated, he couldn’t even afford one missionary trip because they had to split their debts too. That man’s dream was not from God but from satanic sources (Eph 6:12), but at times, God does send dreams to tell us things.
We must remember that no man or woman can interpret dreams (Gen 40:8, 41:15; Dan 4:18). Some are obvious callings to Christ, so if their dream shows them their need to repent and trust in Christ as their only hope (Acts 4:12), and dozens and dozens of them have, then this dream is from God. God is trying to tell them to repent and believe so that they might be saved (Mark 1:15). I pray that you too, will put your trust in Christ.
Why The Fear Of God Is The Beginning Of Wisdom
There is a misconception about the fear of God, but that’s where true wisdom begins.
Fearing God
Fear is not always bad. It keeps us alive, it keeps us from hurting ourselves, it keeps us from hurting others, fear makes us take our children or ourselves to the doctor, and it can even keep us from getting food poisoning if something doesn’t smell right. Fear keeps former alcoholics away from social gatherings where alcohol may be served, so fear has kept people alive and out of trouble, but it can also become debilitating if it’s an irrational fear, however the fear of God is not this kind of fear. It’s not the fear of being struck dead or cast into hell because God gives us a choice. Jesus said, “Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life; whoever does not obey the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God remains on him” (John 3:36).If you reject Christ as your one and only hope, then you have every reason to fear. Jesus said we should “not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell” (Matt 10:28). For believers, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love” (1 John 4:18). Believers fear God, but it’s not the fear of judgment. Their sins were placed upon Christ. This fear is a deep, holy, reverential fear and respect for God and His Word. Fearing God means we obey God and His Word. That is the fear of the Lord, and that is where wisdom begins.
The fear of the Lord is having a deep, holy, reverential fear and respect for God and His Word.
Seeking Wisdom
To have wisdom is to the ability to think and act using past knowledge and life’s experiences, and then understanding how these two relate. Wisdom is having a common sense and insight that only time, experience, and education can bring. Based upon this, we can act with confidence in making choices or decisions, and knowing when it is best to avoid certain situations. Most people gain wisdom the hard way…by making mistakes, but these are often the best teachers. If you’re faced with an important decision, then pray to God and ask Him for godly wisdom. James tells us that “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him” (James 1:5). Scripture is full of wisdom. Moses wrote that we are to “Keep them and do them, for that will be your wisdom and your understanding in the sight of the peoples” (Deut 4:6a).Wisdom
In dozens of places, Scripture tells us that ”The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge” (Prov 1:7a), so “the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding” (Prov 2:6). You will not find such wisdom in the world. In fact, “the wisdom of this world is folly with God. For it is written, “He catches the wise in their craftiness” (1 Cor 1:26). Knowing that true wisdom begins with the fear of God, and then praying for and seeking after wisdom, we can say, “Blessed is the one who finds wisdom, and the one who gets understanding” (Prov 3:13). Wisdom doesn’t come with Ph.D.’s but “with the humble is wisdom” (Prov 11:2). If you are seeking godly wisdom, you can do a case study in the wisdom literature. For example, the Book of Proverb and the Book of James is full of godly wisdom.Holy, Holy, Holy
When Isaiah the Prophet had a vision, he “saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple” (Isaiah 6:1), and “Above him stood the seraphim. Each had six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew” (Isaiah 6:2). Each of these seraphim called to one another, saying, “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory” (Isaiah 6:3b). It was after this that “the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke. And I said: “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts” (Isaiah 6:4-5)!What was Isaiah’s reaction? Remember that Isaiah was one of the godliest men on the planet and perhaps Israel’s greatest prophet (save for Christ), and yet he regarded himself as a “man of unclean lips.” If Isaiah, a holy man of God and a prophet of God could not stand before a holy God, how do we expect to!? Isaiah knew what it was like to fear God, but when he had his encounter with the Living God, he declared, “I’m done,” or basically, “I’m toast.” Who can stand before God….none but those who have repented and trusted in Christ (2 Cor 5:21). It was only after one of the seraphim’s came and took a coal from the altar and touched Isaiah’s lips that Isaiah’s guilt was taken away and his sin was atoned for. This is a foretaste of our salvation, as it requires a sovereign act of God (Eph 2:1-7).
Conclusion
Unless we receive the very righteousness of Christ, we cannot stand before God. The Day of Judgment will come for all. For those of us who have trusted in Christ, “God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ” (I Thess 5:9), Who Himself “died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep we might live with him” (1 Thess 5:10). If you have heard the gospel of repentance and faith (Mark 1:14-15) and rejected it time and again, I am sad to say that it is “because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God’s righteous judgment will be revealed” (Rom2:5), so I pray that you trust in Christ today…while it is still called “today,” and while He can still hear your voice (Prov 27:1; 2 Cor 6:2; Heb 3:15; James 4:13).
Dark Days of Depression
‘Some say that you’re a Christian, so you shouldn’t feel depressed. But I guess, they haven’t read the Psalms in depth’
Nizam Speaks “The LORD heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds” (Psalm 147:3, NLT)
Nizam is a friend of mine. He has a firm and deep Christian faith, and is an inspirational spoken word artist. I have shared one of his modern poetry performances before on here.
Nizam also suffers from depression.
This week is Mental Health Awareness week (see the UK’s Mind Charity). Suicide remains the leading cause of death in men under fifty.
Nizam has bravely decided to share a video which expresses how he felt in the middle of a significant period of clinical depression.
This video is raw. It is emotional. It will help you understand how depression feels.
It will also highlight some of the misconceptions many Christians have, and the way a depressed person can feel about well meaning but ultimately unhelpful comments.
Make no mistake, a Christian can get depressed.
I hope that Nizam’s video will stir your compassion and if you are depressed yourself help you feel that you are NOT alone.
Nizam assures me that he is in a much better place now, but his piece deliberately does not offer an overly simplistic solution. Like many other chronic illnesses, depression can be with someone for a very long time.
Friends and family are often much better at offering support to people with acute illness than we are helping someone who has been struggling for years or even decades. There may be someone in your circle this week who needs you to ask “How are you really?”
If you are unfamiliar with the spoken word it is a form of modern poetry that doesn’t have to rhyme but does use word plays and pithy lines such as,
This latest poem is reflective of Psalm 42, where the psalmist is crying out to God in distress (‘my tears have been my food day and night’) but ends with Nizam acknowledging that God is his only hope (‘Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God’).
You can watch Nizam’s video here:
Dark Days by Nizam Speaks
Oliver Cromwell used to say to his troops before battle “Trust in God, but keep your gunpowder dry!” And so we come to Jesus and pray believing for his help, and yet also pursue medical help and counselling if required knowing that God heals in many different ways. One day he will indeed wipe away every tear and all sorrow and pain will cease. Until that day we live in an imperfect, fallen world, and God’s promises to us are for now but also not yet.
The Future Isn’t Where We Thought It Would Be
Every industry is being disrupted by the future. Manufacturing jobs are being impacted by robots. Retail is being changed by the internet, and everyone is being impacted by artificial intelligence. Malls are closing because people can shop on their phones or tablets.
We schedule our entertainment with downloads and digital recordings. You don’t have to be home to see your favorite television show. You can record it, download it, or watch an entire year of shows at one time.
Meanwhile, banks and financial institutions are trying to figure out bitcoin.
Colleges and universities are adapting to open enrollment courses, taught by top professors, to people all over the world who are joining the class by video conferencing. Everybody is scrambling to prepare for a future no one saw coming.
And it’s coming faster than anyone anticipated. Think about it. Sears is going out of business. Sears. Sears, whose famous catalogue was Amazon before Amazon was born, didn’t recognize what they had in their mail order business and let it go.
Who would have ever thought that? We live in a time where we’re doing a lot of things no one ever thought about before.
And doing church is no different. Today, churches in North America are facing some unprecedented challenges. There are several streams coming together which, in their coming together, form a Class 5 rapids the church will have to navigate.
What are some of those streams?
First, there’s a generational shift being completed which will affect the local churches in every facet of their ministry.
The Builders, the generation that came home after World War II, has been called the greatest generation by some. They have an impressive resume to earn that title. These are the men and women who came home and started the businesses that became the great companies of America. They made a lot of money, and they gave a lot of money. The Builders are one of the most generous generations in history. They endowed colleges, churches and foundations that fund much of our non-profit work.
As the Builders were moving off the stage of history, the Boomers, of which I’m one, came on to the scene. We didn’t establish the great companies, but we got good jobs. We learned to finance our lifestyles – even our generosity. We changed our capital campaigns to three-year commitments. We couldn’t give a lot of money at one time, but over time, we could give a significant amount. Churches have been built all over America using this plan.
Now, Boomers are retiring, and Millennials, Gen X, and Gen Alpha are coming onto the stage and stepping into leadership. These younger generations have a very different understanding of how generosity should work.
A lot of people have written that Millennials don’t give. That’s not true. Millennials can be very generous and even sacrificial in their giving. They give differently – very differently – from previous generations.
For Millennials and the generations behind them, they have to be able to tie life impact to the ministry project they’re being asked to support. Our church has a Tuesday night worship experience called “Kairos.” Several months ago, a friend shared with Kairos the need to build a well and water purifying system in order to respond to the current drought affecting the townships in Cape Town.
In one night, a room full of Millennials gave $50,000! What makes this gift even more impressive was no one knew an offering for South Africa would be taken. The moment and the giving were spontaneous.
Why was it successful? Because they could make an immediate connection between changed lives and the money they were giving.
They won’t give to support building projects that aren’t used all week long. All of the buildings have to be multi-purpose and designed to serve the surrounding community 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
They won’t give to large institutions or “big bucket” giving strategies that support bureaucracies and high overhead.
As you can imagine, this is going to have major impact on the funding of local church, national and international ministries.
Communities are no longer supportive of large mega-church facilities. The future church will not be able to afford them, but cities and towns are not going to be as generous in their support. Partly because of the negative reaction to Christianity, but mostly because of their impact on city infrastructures like roads and traffic. Churches aren’t seen as providing a community as good as they have been in days past.
So, how will we respond to these coming challenges? First, we’re going to relax and remember we’ve been here before. We’ve been limited on resources, without facilities to support our work and openly opposed by our cultural settings. The church did fine. In fact, we thrived.
The cultural changes will force us to get back to basics. Bible studies in homes, focusing on neighborhood missions and local pastors training the next generation of church leaders. Churches will meet in homes and store fronts, in empty warehouses and wide-open fields. Our pastors will be bi-vocational, making tents with one hand and preaching the gospel with the other.
We’ll find areas of our communities that are neglected and overlooked. We’ll reach out to those who can’t get the healthcare they need. We’ll start schools in the neighborhoods where schools are failing our children.
And we’ll do it all in the name of the Risen Christ.
Personally, I’m excited. We did well before, and in the grace of God, we’ll do well again. I can’t wait. It’s going to be a great ride!
3 things God wants you to know when you feel insecure
We’ve all felt insecure at times. Deep down, there are still days where I feel like that chubby, awkward, pimply-faced middle school kid who hoped he wouldn’t get picked last when we divided up teams to play basketball. Some people live gripped with insecurity all their lives and they allow it to keep them imprisoned from moving forward in their careers, relationships or live in general. If you’re one of the billions of people who struggle with insecurity on some level, please keep in mind these three simple truths…
1. Don’t worry about other people’s opinions of you. God’s opinion is the only one that counts and He loves you unconditionally!
When we’re battling with insecurity, we can be tempted to measure our self-worth in terms of how many people “liked” our Instagram picture or Facebook post. We give over control of self-worth to the fickle opinions of others. We need to reclaim our identity as been rooted in God’s love for us. The more we love God, the more capacity we will have to love ourselves.
“See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!” 1 John 3:1
2. Don’t beat yourself up over the past. God’s grace is bigger than your biggest mistake.
We’ve all blown it, but thankfully, we don’t have to live in shame or regret. You can’t build a time machine and change the past, but you can embrace God’s grace and start building a new future.
“Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” Philippians 3:13-14
3. You don’t need to compare your life to anyone else’s. God’s plan for you is masterfully unique!
We get tempted to scroll through other people’s “highlight reels” on social media and think our own lives don’t measure up. Let’s break out of that comparison trap! God created you to be a unique masterpiece, and that’s exactly what you are. Trust in His plan for you and keep growing to become the best possible version of yourself and you’ll change the world in your own unique way.
“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10
5 Ways Dads Discourage their Children
Last week I wrote about fathers being there for their children. But when you are present with your children, they will test your patience. This could lead to 5 different was dad discourage their children. Before I became a father, I thought I was a pretty patent person. But man was I wrong! I have found out just how little patience I actually have. How about you?
Let’s read Ephesians chapter 6 and verse 4. Read it out loud if you can so it can make a stronger impression on you.
PATIENCE
Verse 4 says, “And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.” In his letter to the Colossians, Paul again emphasizes the importance of this when he says in Colossians 3:21Dads, you need to show patience with your children. You need to strive to keep from embittering or discouraging them.
I believe there are 5 primary ways dads frequently discourage their children. 5 things you need to strive to avoid.
I. AVOID OVER CONTROL.
Over Control – Dads don’t try to regulate every minute and every aspect of your children’s lives. Don’t spell out every breath and step your child takes. Allow them to have some room. A little at first, when they are young, but as they grow, give them more space. Allow them to make some mistakes, so they can learn from them.I believe “Over Control” is one of the greatest failings of many fathers with their children today. Many dads are so scared that their children are going to make a mistake, that they place unreasonable restrictions on them. This is especially true of Pastors and Missionaries and their children. So what happens when a father over controls his children? Well, they rebel against their fathers’ guidance and fall.
As Dads, there are many things we have to say no to. There are many things we cannot allow our children to do. Offset that by saying yes to as many things as possible and save your no’s for really important situations.
Give a little breathing room. Don’t over control. You need to have the patience necessary to allow your children to make some mistakes when they are young or they will never learn to avoid them when they are grown.
Avoid over-control.
II. AVOID UNREAL EXPECTATIONS
Unreal Expectation – Some children are discouraged by over-control and others are moved to anger and frustration by unreal expectations. Fathers, your children are not perfect, anymore than you were when you were growing up. Don’t expect them to be perfect in behavior. They’ll never measure up. Also, don’t have unreal expectations for them in the area of education either.Not every child in the world is an “A” student. An “A” is supposed to go to students who are way above average. B’s are supposed to go to good students, and C’s are supposed to go to average students. Well, there is no way every child can be above average. Don’t place unreal expectations on them in the area of school. If they’re an “A” student, then accept nothing less, but don’t place unreal expectations on them about their grades.
Don’t place unreal expectations on them in the area of sports or anything else. Just because you excelled at something growing up, doesn’t mean that your child will. Perhaps he or she will excel at something you’re not so great at. We are not all wired the same.
Some dads show no patience because of over control, some show no patience through unreal expectations, and there are others who discourage their children through unwarranted punishment.
III. AVOID UNWARRANTED PUNISHMENT
Unwarranted Punishment – Dads, show patience and make the punishment fit the crime. Don’t allow the little things your children do, to become big things, simply because you’ve had a bad day at work. Let the punishment fit the crime. Just because you’ve had a bad day, just because you and your wife are having problems, just because the car wouldn’t start and the mortgage is due, is no reason for you to take out your frustrations on your children.A friend of mine told me about his experience growing up with a dad who “tormented” him with unwarranted punishments. To avoid misrepresenting his experience, I asked him to write a paragraph about it. He says:
Dads, make the punishment fit the crime, and make it consistent.
IV. AVOID UNACCEPTABLE CRITICISM
Unacceptable criticism – One of worst ways to destroy your son or daughter’s hope, one of the most effective ways to break his or her spirit is through criticism. We’ve all heard it. Parents who tell their children that they can’t do anything right, or who tell them that they’ll never amount to anything.Criticism comes in many ways besides overt words. Some parents never praise their children. Some parents give faint praise, or backhanded praise. They’ll tell their children, “Good job, but we’ll do better next time won’t we?”
What is the result of such criticism? Your children lose heart, like a horse that has had its spirit broken. You can see it in the way a horse moves, and you can see it in the eyes and posture of a disheartened child. (Disciplines of A Godly Man, p. 50).
Dads, don’t discourage your children through criticism.
There is a 5th major way some Dads discourage their children and that is by:
V. Undeniable Favoritism.
Undeniable Favoritism – One of the most exasperating and damaging sins a father can commit against his children is favoritism. Now I’m not saying that you should treat all of your children alike, you can’t. Some children need more discipline than others, and some need more independence than others. It’s obvious that some children need more encouragement than others. And then some children need more structure or more holding. All children cannot be treated alike, but neither should one ever be favored over another. Remember Isaac, how he nearly destroyed his family by favoring Esau over Jacob. Remember how Jacob favored Joseph over his other sons, and how it led to jealousy, fighting, and attempted murder within the family.Dads, there can be no favoritism in your home, if it is to truly be all that God intended. Dads, show your children some patience. Let them be who they are, and encourage them along the way, each one individually.
Great Dads are PRESENT, great Dads show PATIENCE, and great Dads are persuasive.
3 Ways “Temple” Thinking Still Infects the Church Today
On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple courts and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves, and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts. And as he taught them, he said, “Is it not written: ‘My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations’? But you have made it ‘a den of robbers.’”
The chief priests and the teachers of the law heard this and began looking for a way to kill him, for they feared him, because the whole crowd was amazed at his teaching. Mark 11:15-18
A haunting question I recently asked my church was: If Jesus were alive today, would he applaud how we worship him or would he start turning over tables? I know the immediate answer is that Jesus would automatically applaud how we worship him, I mean it’s all for him, right? But remember, the temple in Jerusalem was the very epicenter of God worship in ancient Israel. It was the place to go to worship God. And Jesus (God’s son) trashed the place. In a previous post I shared just what made Jesus so angry about the first century temple. The temple was designed for people to encounter God but instead it became a cash cow that fleeced the people and enriched the chief priest and his family. Even though we don’t have a temple in Christianity that we center our religion around, temple thinking still infects today’s churches:
1. Do we tend to associate God or the worship of God with a building or an address? In ancient Israel, if you wanted to find God, you found Him at the temple, because that’s where He lived, and whoever controlled the real estate controlled access to God. When Jesus came, he declared that the worship of God would be centered around a person (himself), not a place. His church is his movement of people that follow him and believe in him. But isn’t it true that when we think of church we think of a building, of a location? How often do we say, “I’m going to church,” as if God lived inside a building? That’s temple thinking! Paul declared that our bodies are the temple and that God’s spirit lives within us!
2. Is our religion centered more around repetitive rituals than a life-giving relationship? In ancient Israel, the worship of God was highly scripted. There were rules, there were sacrifices, there were things you had to do in a proper order to properly worship God. When Jesus came, he simply told his disciples to follow him, and the work God requires us is to simply believe in the one God sent. More than mindless rituals, Christianity should be defined by a life-giving relationship. Yet if our idea of Christianity centers around rituals, that’s temple thinking!
3. Has Christianity been reduced to a money-making enterprise? Being the chief priest in ancient Israel was good living. You controlled the intake of money at the biggest cash cow in that corner of the world, and you could certainly feel entitled to skim a little off the top, or honestly a lot off the top. After all, you were doing God’s work, weren’t you? How often do you see preachers on tv asking for more money for “God’s work?” How often is money raised solely for more and more elaborate building projects? Ministry will always take money, but when religion becomes driven by money, that’s temple thinking!
The Contentment Cycle
The two of us are long time friends who chat regularly. In recent months, our conversations have focused on what it means to be content during this season of isolation and restriction. Over the course of our lives, contentment has often flowed easily. We have both been fortunate to have loving families, deep friendships, fruitful ministries, and adventures galore. But at other times, contentment has proven to be frustratingly elusive. Almost nigh impossible. Besides the general aches and pains of life, one of us (Leighton) has buried a son while the other (Alec) nearly lost a daughter and has suffered through two cancers. And, like everyone, we are experiencing ongoing frustrations related to the pandemic. In his letter to the Philippians, the apostle Paul addressed this subject head-on. Rotting in a dank Roman jail, he claimed to have “learned the secret” of “being content whatever the circumstances.”
The term Paul used about learning is intriguing. It was utilized by the pagan mystery cults about initiating new members. In other words, contentment doesn’t just happen. There is a process of being initiated and learning! Through experience – including being a prisoner – Paul was discovering contentment. Assuming that Paul wasn’t blowing triumphal smoke, his promise of emotional equilibrium “in any and every situation… whether living in plenty or in want” is most appealing. Even when life disappoints, we can find contentment. Not necessarily happiness, but a place of equanimity and repose.
What exactly was Paul’s secret? And how did he learn it? We label this process of initiation “The “Contentment Cycle.” It is an oft repeated sequence consisting of four steps.
Step 1: Expectations Set
We all set expectations. As parents, we lay out behavior standards for our kids. As supervisors, we establish performance goals for our staff. As a mentor, Leighton encourages young leaders to aim for growth in every aspect of their lives. As a consultant, Alec challenges organizations to improve. Most of us set financial goals, envision levels of physical fitness, create reading lists, and organize vacations. Of course, if our expectations are unworthy (such as harming an annoying neighbor), we can create sour fruit. But in such cases, the problem is not in planning but in the outcome sought. Paul certainly loved to dream big. A bold personality, late in life he set himself the grand goal of planting churches in the western half of the Roman empire (even labeling it “my ambition.”)
Step 2: Expectations Disappointed
Sadly, in a broken world, our best plans often get quashed. This is particularly true during a pandemic. Over the past several months, the list of Covid-19 dream-killers feels endless – income lost, schools unattended, and promotions missed. Weddings, funerals, and vacations cancelled (or radically adjusted). Mo Gawdat, a senior leader at Google, labels these frustrations “the expectation gap.”
Such gaps capture the dissonance between our optimistic hopes, on the one hand, and the harsh realities we often face, on the other. The wider the chasm, the greater our sense of discontentment. Paul deeply experienced this sense of loss. Rather than traveling to Spain to carry out his life’s calling, he was unjustly imprisoned in a Roman hole. It is easy to imagine his frustration at this injustice. Aware of his limited remaining time on earth, he chaffed at being involuntarily restrained (as is hinted by his four references to “chains” in Philippians 1). Contentment may also elude us when we get caught up in unhealthy expectations.
A friend of ours was invited to speak at a high-level conference in Aspen, Colorado. Checking in, he was assigned a luxurious room with fine furnishings and breathtaking views. He felt very special until he took a walk up the mountain and came to a row of large condos which made his single room look ordinary. Still further uphill he came to a magnificent private mansion which made even the condos look puny. His contentment decreased “with every step up I took up the hill!”
Step 3: Expectations Surrendered
This is the crucial – and most difficult – step in the cycle. Rather than emotionally shutting down post-disappointment – or simply growing bitter – we learn to release our original expectations. Often this includes both lament (for hopes dashed) and repentance (for a sense of privilege). When Paul wrote about learning to be content, he used a surprising word. It literally can be translated as being self-sufficient. But this is not what columnist David Brooks describes as the “hyper-individualism of the current moment.” Rather Paul described inner resources which do not depend on outward circumstances. Paul’s secret was to empty himself of all entitlements. Traveling west? Held lightly.
Visiting the church in Rome? Hoped it would happen. Living to an old age? Perhaps. A bull of man with a strong internal will, this certainly didn’t come naturally. But by seeing Jesus as his master and himself as his slave, he learned to let go of his own agenda. Through gritty self-denial, he gained the perspective of “not my will but yours be done.” Such surrender does not come easily. Friedrich Nietzsche actually scorned it as being weak and unworthy. But when forces beyond our control intervene – whether ill-health, recessions, or Covid-19 – we are foolish to assume that we can chase them away through mere will power. Paul encourages us to humbly cast our plans into the hands of a reliable and good master – “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” To be content, however, is not to be passive. It is not mere acquiescence. It is a choice we make based on our trust in Christ.
Neither does it imply the acceptance of what is wrong. There is a time not to be content. Our Lord himself expressed holy discord: “I have come to set fire on the earth, and how I wish it were already kindled! I have a baptism to undergo, and how hampered I am until the ordeal is over!” (Luke 12:49) Certainly, we cannot be totally content while children starve, fellow believers are persecuted, the gospel goes unshared, and people of color are marginalized. Like Paul, we should have Christ’s strength for ourselves, and a refusal to accept the status quo for others. As Russian philosopher Nikolai Berdyaev reflected: “Bread for myself is a material problem. Bread for other people is a spiritual problem.”
Step 4: Expectations Recalibrated
The final step is to reassess our situation. Often, this is very difficult to do since it involves redefining hopes and plans. For example, how should an 18 year old move forward after receiving a rejection letter from her priority college? How should a patient diagnosed with chronic arthritis adjust to new physical limitations? How should a pastor released by his church approach the future? Or, more simply, during the isolation of a pandemic, how can we do an inventory on what we can do without? And what we can do with what we have? Paul faced his crisis head on.
Rather than getting lost in self-pity, he redirected his focus from Spain to his prison guards. What a remarkable recalibration! Though the scope of his plans had shrunk from half a continent to a mere handful of soldiers, he accepted his new reality and moved on. He wrote: “What has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard.” Amazingly, Paul’s letter to the Philippians contains not a single word of complaint. Rather, he uses the word “rejoice” six times, “joy” five times, and “thanks” thrice. This outcome did not come simply or without personal cost. No doubt, he labored to submit, recalibrate, and identify new aspirations.
Paul found contentment despite dire circumstances. And so did John Stott, a leader we both knew and who was famed for his ministry both in the heart of London and around the world. Near the end of his life and not in good health, he was living in a retirement home for elderly clergy. One of his former assistants asked if he was happy in his restricted quarters. “No,” he replied. “I am not happy. But I am learning to be content.” It is our ambition so to learn!
6 Ways To Survive a Breakup and Move On
While it’s normal to go through a period of self-reflection when your relationship ends, it’s crucial that you keep things in perspective and focus on healing. Losing a partner, even if you made a decision to end the relationship, can disrupt your life on so many levels because your ex was undoubtedly a part of your daily existence. As a result, breakups can weaken your ability to sleep, eat well, and function at work and in social spheres.
To complicate matters, studies have discovered that experiencing a breakup can leave you with a diminished sense of self or self-concept (those things that make you unique). This makes perfect sense because your identity probably became incorporated with your partner’s sense of self and now you’re left with the task of redefining who you are.
According to author Lisa Arends, letting go of a romantic partner involves letting go of feelings and memories. She writes: “Getting over someone is a process of repeated exposure to the triggers and the desensitization of their influence. As time passed and I faced each trigger again and again, they lost their power and their hold. The emotions have faded. But the memories remain.”
The reality is that breakups are hard. We’ve all faced them and been challenged by letting go of the why and how things could have gone differently. Goodbyes are never easy but it’s better to let someone go than staying with them out of insecurity or fear of being alone.
Part of the grieving process at the end of a relationship is accepting that what you wanted to happen no longer will happen. Thoughts might range from: We will never have children together. To the mundane: We won’t ever eat another meal together. While these feelings are more common for dumpee than dumpers, both people typically experience a grief process.
Here are 6 ways to survive a breakup:
1. Accept your feelings about the breakup. This includes your emotional reactions such as sadness, anger, fear, rejection, and guilt. They’ve probably been there all along (in your relationship) and are simply intensified during and after your breakup.
2. Examine of your part in the relationship ending. Are you taking care of yourself physically and emotionally? If not, devise a plan to nurture yourself and get your well-being restored (counseling, exercise, eating a balanced diet, etc.).
3. Focus on those things that you can control. You can’t control the past but you can make better choices today – such as letting go of hurt feelings. Attempt to forgive yourself and your former partner – or at least accept their behavior. This doesn’t mean you condone hurtful actions, but they simply have less power over you!
4. Remind yourself that relationships as teachers. We learn a lot about ourselves from loss and can approach a new relationship with our eyes wide open. Just because your relationship is over, it doesn’t mean you’re inadequate or inferior – or there’s something wrong with you. Give yourself a break.
5. Cultivate supportive relationships and new interests. Being with people who accept and support you can help ease feeling of rejection and guilt. Join an on-line support group and/or blog with others who are dealing with the end of a relationship.
6. Don’t fall prey to a victim mentality and to make self-care a priority. Take a class, start a new hobby, and be sure to take time to exercise regularly and eat a balanced and healthy diet.
Although it may not seem obvious at the time, a breakup can be a catalyst for change and you can discover new aspects of yourself in the process. Consulting a counselor, support group, or divorce coach may help to facilitate healing. Lastly, developing a mindset that you don’t have to be defined by your relationship ending can help you to heal and move forward with your life.
1 Sure Way to Tell You’re in a Healthy Marriage
JDo women who say they never fight with their husbands make you sick?
It’s tempting to wish you had a relationship like that, too. Don’t because fighting is a sure way to gauge the health of your marriage.
Let me say right up front, physical or emotional abuse are not healthy ways to fight.* Yelling, bullying, insulting and saying a bunch of stuff you don’t mean won’t resolve anything.
No one likes to disagree, but couples who learn to fight well actually grow closer.
Fighting is exercise
The next time he makes you mad, consider arguing as an exercise in strengthening your marriage.When you disagree, you learn about each other and you learn about yourself, too.
Couples who say they never fight probably aren’t telling the truth. Without disagreements, you can’t learn how to resolve conflict.
When couples don’t fight, they either pretend to “drop it” or sweep it under the rug.
Neither is good for your marriage.
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“How to Be a Wife No Man Will Ever Want to Leave” Challenge
I know from experience.I didn’t know fighting could be healthy in marriage. Sweeping it under the rug was my modus operandi as new wife.
If I was mad and my husband asked me what was wrong, instead of telling him, I’d say “nothing.” He’d actually treat me as if nothing was wrong.
At that point, I’d have to let him know I was mad by my actions: silent treatment, no sex, snippy responses.
Most of the time, he’d scratch his head wondering, “What’s wrong with her?”
The next time we disagreed, we’d start out fighting about the new thing, but it quickly morphed into fighting about the thing that had happened last week. The thing I was still mad about.
It was a never-ending cycle.
Fighting can make your marriage stronger
I got angrier and more resentful.When you learn how to resolve conflicts in the right way, your relationship gets stronger.
Maybe you’re like a lot of people and you never learned how to handle conflict well. Did you grow up watching your mother give your father the silent treatment or watching your parents have shouting matches when they disagreed?
Was one parent always the martyr allowing the other one to always have their way or did they have a power struggle? Or perhaps one complained while the other one sat passively by and listened.
When you can talk through issues and come to conclusions, you understand each other better, which leads to greater connectedness.
You’ll gain mutual respect for one another and learn how to respectfully listen to someone else’s idea. When your husband feels heard, he’s more willing to listen to you.
You don’t have to agree, but you can come to a mutual understanding and appreciation for his point of view.
Here are some tips for handling conflict in a healthy way:
- Tell him what’s wrong instead of making him guess.
- Make an honest effort to figure out where he sees things differently.
- Start sentences with “I feel” instead of “you did.”
- Listen instead of trying to be heard.
- Step back from the situation for a few minutes or hours.
- Ask God to help you see where you’re wrong.
- Touch him. Hug him, grab his hand or put your hand on his back. Touch can deescalate a situation.
- Apologize that he’s upset and let him know you appreciate him and don’t want to upset him.
- If the issue isn’t going to matter in the next five minutes, five hours or five days, let it go.
Common Body Language Mistakes That Destroy Relationships
Your words may say you’re crazy about your spouse, but your body language may be sabotaging your love life without you even knowing.
Body language says a lot about you, your relationship, and how you feel about your partner. Research suggests that negative body language is easier to pick up on than positive.
The Frontiers in Psychology Journal suggests that positive emotions require stronger signals than negative ones when it comes to nonverbal flirtation. Basically, if you want to use body language to your benefit, be a little more obvious about it.
Since negative body language is so easy to pick up on, it’s easy to see how body language mistakes can throw a lasso around your love life.
Are you sending the right message to your partner? Keep reading to find out if you’ve been making body language mistakes that are hurting your chances at love.
Not making eye-contact.
Eyes are the window to the soul – or so the saying goes.Studies show that when you make eye-contact with someone, you start to build emotional intimacy. It creates chemistry with your partner and contributes to a happier relationship.
When you fail to maintain eye-contact with your spouse, they may start to think that you are:
· Uninterested in the relationship
· Socially awkward
· Hiding something
You don’t want your partner thinking any of these things about you. Endeavor to hold your spouse’s eye-contact, especially when they are speaking with you. Doing so will:
· Create a sense of intimacy
· Appear more personable
· Improve concentration
· Validate your spouse
· Create a sense of confidence
When you maintain eye contact with your partner, you strengthen your connection, so start practicing this good habit today.
Smiling at someone.
“How can smiling destroy my relationship?” you may wonder. “Isn’t smiling the happiest expression you can do?”You’re absolutely right. Smiling is a fantastic way to indicate that you’re happy and show your partner that you adore their company. But, if you’re a bit of a flirt, smiling at the wrong person might land you in hot water with your spouse.
When it comes to nonverbal flirtation, research done by the Association for Behavior Analysis International puts smiling in the same flirty category as eye contact, laughter, and physical touch (Wade, J., June 6, 2018, (I Think) You Are Pretty: A Behavior Analytic Conceptualization of Flirtation).
Many people in committed relationships flirt harmlessly with others, but that doesn’t mean flirting can’t destroy your relationship. Constant flirting, especially when done in front of your spouse, can lead to low self-esteem and make your partner question your loyalty.
Obsessed with your phone.
Do you check your phone when your spouse is trying to talk to you?Statistics show that 85 percent of smartphone users check their devices while speaking to loved ones (bankmycell.com, 2020). Why does this matter? Because your phone helps play a role in your relationship-destroying body language. Research indicates that such behavior contributes to lower relationship satisfaction (Roberts, J., Davis, M., January 2016, Computers in Human Behavior).
How you behave with your phone while around your crush says a lot about your relationship. Even if you don’t mean anything by scrolling and swiping, playing on your phone may suggest to your partner that you have a lack of love and empathy for them.
Do your relationship a favor and throw your phone on silent when you’re talking to your spouse. It will do wonders for your love life.
Being a ‘close-talker.’
Being a close-talker is one of the quickest ways to end the first date fast.Close-talking is no different than what it sounds – someone who stands way too close to you when they’re talking.
This body language suggests that you don’t respect your partner’s personal space and that you’re quick to dismiss boundaries.
Body language aside, close-talking is awkward and gross. There is nothing more off-putting than seeing saliva coming at you while someone is talking to you.
Confident or cocky? Keep your chin up!
Walking and talking with your chin up have long been a sign of confidence.Confidence is great, especially when it comes to relationships. When you’re confident, it means you know what you want, and you aren’t afraid to go after it. Confidence allows you to date with ease, to embrace adventure, and is a part of self-love.
However, walking and talking with your chin up may also be a sign that you’re a little too cocky for your own good.
Be careful that your tricky chin doesn’t convey arrogance or defiance when you’re trying to create a romantic connection. Nobody likes being looked down on.
Saying one thing but meaning another.
Do you have a habit of lying?If so, it may be a quality that will doom your relationship.
Studies show that trust is important to a happy marriage. Couples who trust each other enjoy more joyful, more fulfilling relationships.
That being said, research shows that once trust is broken, it becomes extremely difficult to mend.
You may not be a liar, but your body language may be telling a different story. For example, if you say ‘Yes’ while shaking your head ‘No,’ it could indicate to your partner that you’re untruthful.
Crossing your arms.
Crossing your arms is a big no-no in the world of romance as it indicates that you are closed off to other people.Having a closed body is a nonverbal way of protecting or distancing yourself from others. After all, with closed arms, you can’t hug, hold hands, or embrace.
Romance aside, crossing your arms also indicates hostility or anger and could put your partner on edge.
How you present yourself matters, so be aware of how your body language comes across to other people – especially those you love.
Avoiding eye-contact, obsessing over your phone, and not respecting your partner’s personal space can be a major turn off. Whether you’ve just started dating someone and want to make the right impression or have been with someone for years, avoid making the common body language mistakes as mentioned above.
Doubling-Down on Christian Persecution: The Cost of Following Jesus
After my last article, warning Christians in America of persecution, I received no shortage of criticism. While some attempted to discredit me with comparisons of extreme physical persecution at various places around the world, others said I was outright imagining the persecution of Christians in America. And yet, ironically, in the very same comments section, others jeered, “I have a den of lions waiting for you all” and that my thinking was a “death trap” – yes, those were real comments. Sadly, it seems my point was validated; there is a growing resentment towards biblically-minded Christians.
It is probably worth clarifying that I am not comparing the developing trials in America to the intense persecution and martyrdoms of Christians elsewhere in the world. But I do contend that they are still trials and, should our nation continue an abandoning of the biblical moral ethic, such trials will yield to similar, intense, physical persecution. It might take a generation or two, but I assure you it will happen. The Apostle Paul says, without a hint of ambiguity declares that “all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted” (2 Timothy 3:12). It is important that Christians recognize the nature and seriousness of this statement as we reflect on our lives. We are not excluded from this scriptural truth because we live in a country with religious freedom. We are not excluded because America was built on Christian ideals. No, this truth is as fresh and pregnant for us as it was for 1st century Christians.
Christian, like Peter in the courtyard, you will be challenged to evaluate the cost of following Jesus. You will be forced to ask yourself if Jesus is worth the pain. Likely, it will not be an immediate gun-to-the-head situation, where your answer influences if you live or die. Instead, I suspect the challenge be more subtle, with soft denials. You may be tempted to sugarcoat what scripture teaches about sexuality, to not hurt someone’s feelings. Or perhaps, you will be asked to perform a task at work that you know to be unethical and/or immoral. Or instead, you may be asked to change your language and avoid using “hateful” words found in scripture.
What an entire generation of Christians does not understand is that refusing to align your language, choices, and actions with scripture is a blatant denial of Christ Jesus. Attacks on the doctrine of scripture are attacks on Kingdom of God. Likewise, if we deny His word, we also deny Him. We cannot have it both ways. We cannot claim Jesus as our own and also continue to endorse the world’s philosophies. As the years continue to pile up in our postmodern society, so do the excuses Christians make about why they are willing to deny Jesus and His doctrine.
We would all do well to meditate on Jesus’ warning in Luke 9:62. He says, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.” Here, Jesus is reminding us all not to “look back” at the worldly life we left behind. In doing so, we err like Lot’s wife did in Sodom – not trusting God’s provision. When we take our eyes off the prize and look back at the world we left behind, we declare ourselves unfit for the kingdom of God. Oh, that we would be a generation that would inspect the plow and the field of work ahead with zeal!
Christian, a day is coming when you will be forced to make this very decision: plow forward or look back. At that moment, you will be coaxed to remember a simple, worldly life that didn’t care about attacks on scripture, truth, human dignity, or the person of Christ. On that day, you will be tempted to deny the very Lord that bought you (2 Peter 2:1). Prepare your heart now for that moment, Christian. Look forward and plow! Consider the cost of following Christ and give it gladly. Lay it it all down for the sake of the Kingdom of God. Remember, that it is “He who endures to the end that shall be saved” (Matthew 24:13).
Let us meditate our hearts on the apostle’s words in Philippians 3:8-10. He writes, “Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.”
While our current persecution might be light, in comparison to what other brothers and sisters are experiencing in the world, it is still persecution. The doctrine and truth of God’s Word is being put to shame in our culture. It is time for you to decide if you will heed the call. Will you follow Christ or is the cost too much for you to bear? Far too long has the church been idle, ignoring this question. Will you take the yoke and plow the field for the Kingdom of God? Yes, there will be a cost for following Christ. But in such work, you will find joys and wonders of which you never dreamed. Pray that when you are forced to decide between plowing forward or looking back, you will choose the yoke of Christ. Pray that you will be a faithful slave of Christ. It is time for Christians to start owning that title.
In closing, let us go back to Peter, who denied Jesus 3 times in the courtyard. Bear in mind, that even in this gross sin of denial and “looking back,” he found grace and forgiveness. Jesus was firm but very kind to him in His rebuttal (see John 21). In this life, there is never a moment when you are outside the reach of God’s grace. Upon reflection, if you have found that you are in a state of “looking back,” then I encourage you to turn around and take hold of the plow. The harvest is plentiful. The world may hate you in the process, but Jesus’ yoke is “easy” and His “burden is light” (Matthew 11:30).
Seek Christ while He still may be found.
Death and Life in the Wilderness
Joel Humann’s Durham dissertation on Numbers 19 (the red cow and the waters of purification) is wonderfully illuminating. After a judicious close reading of the chapter, he turns to the question of the placement of the passage within Numbers.
He observes that in Numbers the wilderness becomes a place of death. Death results specifically from encroachment on the sanctuary and rebellion against God: “Death is the inevitable consequence of the sins of encroachment and rebellion against the holy God by a sinful people, who have been called to live in a holy community, in imitation of the holy God and gathered around Him who dwells in the midst of the sanctuary” (220).
Numbers records three primary narratives of rebellion, which correspond to different zones of the graded holiness system of the tabernacle. Humann summarizes:
“As the narrative unfolds, the rebellious dissent of Israel begins, in Num 11, at the very boundary between the camp of Israel and the wilderness.” When “the Israelites . . . grumble and complain about their condition in the wilderness, specifically the lack of a rich and luxurious diet as was their experience in Egypt . . . God responds to the dissent by consuming the outer boundaries of the camp with fire (Num 11.1).
Increasingly the sin of the whole of Israel ‘encroaches’ upon the holy as it is both spatially and personally demarcated, beginning in the first zone, within the camp of Israel itself (Num 13–14), progressing to the second, the Levitical ‘buffer’ which separates Israel from the priestly sancta (Num 16–17), and finally the third sphere, that is the priesthood of Aaron and, indeed, Moses himself (Num 20). The homological correspondence between spatial and personal gradation of holiness thus provides the thematic framework for the progression of these rebellion narratives. The terminus of the rebellion narratives is the ultimate divine boundary—Moses and Aaron attempt to usurp the role and place reserved for the Deity alone” (221).
The polarity of death and life runs, in fact, throughout the Moses narratives of the Pentateuch. In Numbers, it is expressed spatially: The wilderness is the realm of death, the sanctuary the realm of life. When Israel rebels and violates His holiness, Yahweh breaks out in a variety of deadly ways against them (222).
Within this context, the “analogy between the ceremony of the Red Heifer and the narratives of death and encroachment which becomes manifest. Death is the ultimate impurity. It is consigned to the space at farthest remove from the holy of holies—the wilderness.
For the corpse-contaminated individual to remain in the camp and wantonly neglect purification is itself a form of encroachment and thus is punishable by extirpation (karat). The ceremony negotiates between the extreme poles of graded holiness, traverses the boundary between the source of life, spatially conceived as the sanctuary, and the realm of death, relegated to the outer wilderness. The may-niddah constitute the means and medium by which individuals can be rid of the contamination of death which is consigned to the wilderness, and thereby reintegrated into the community of Israel” (225).
Corpse contamination consigns an Israelite to the death-defiled wilderness. The waters of purification purify, removing the contagion of death. Within the narrative context, though, the waters also effect a spatial movement, from outside in, from the zone of death to the zone of life, from the wilderness to the sanctuary.
As Humann puts it: “the Red Heifer as a rite of passage effects separation from a state of corpse-generated impurity. Such separation entails also spatial transfer. Among the chattat sacrifices the Red Heifer is the only instance where the slaughter and subsequent ceremony occurs ‘outside the camp’ (Num 19.3). From this locale the ceremony, as it is presented in its narrative context, thus effects a spatial transition. The corpse-contaminated individual is, by means of the may-niddah, not merely purified but spatially transferred from ‘outside’ to ‘inside’ the encampment of Israel, while those who administer the rite are thereby defiled.”
THus, “When one turns to the question of the relationship of Num 19 to its overall narrative context and the question of thematic and symbolic relationships between the two, the characterisation of the ceremony of the Red Heifer as a rite de passage also becomes significant. Narratively, the exodus from Egypt, transit through the wilderness, and entry into Canaan form an inseparable whole. The narrative highlights the ‘physical dichotomy between the wilderness as the realm of the dead versus the promised land as the site of the living'” (225-6).
The rite of passage through the water of purification follows the historical “rite of passage” from Egypt to the promised land (226-7).
But the narrative placement also links this ritual to a particular moment in the history recorded in Numbers. It’s the last of the legislation in Numbers, and symbolizes the entire movement of the book. Like the heifer, the first generation of Israel is reduced to dust in the wilderness. But the very death of the first generation makes possible a transition of a new generation into the land. The rite of purification from corpse defilement ritually sums up the history of Israel between Sinai and entry to the land.
Humann puts it this way: “It is the final liturgical law given during the era of the Sinai generation and itself thematises purification and separation from death and the wilderness. Considered merely as another rite of purification it could conceivably ‘be located almost anywhere that cultic legislation is appropriate.’ In fact, Leviticus, at first blush, seems a more appropriate literary context. But intentional juxtaposition is the key to its placement—the Red Heifer itself thematises the narrative at this point. The wilderness is ‘preeminently a place of death for Israel, which must die to be reborn.’
The heifer, as a symbol of the old generation Israel, is reduced to dust in the wilderness; by means of the ashes of the heifer and living water the one contaminated by death is restored to a living relationship with God, even as the new generation is transferred from the wilderness to the land of promise. The heifer immediately foreshadows the impending final elimination of the old generation, and symbolises the promise given to the new. ‘Future life in the land will replace the pervasiveness of death in the wilderness'” (228-9).
This also explains the seriousness of refusing to receive cleansing from corpse defilement. It’s equivalent to refusing to move from wilderness/death into the land/life. It’s another form of rebellion against the Lord, which will only intensify death and impurity.
Again Humann’s words: “The rebellion of the old generation of Israel is accompanied with their desire to abandon their destiny and return to Egypt. Their past in Egypt ‘becomes an obstacle to a successful future. Only after the death of those seduced by the Egyptian past can the next generation proceed to fulfill a future in the promised land.’ Rebellion entails a refusal to enter the promised land—a narrative analogue of the refusal to be purified, and thus maintain one’s connection and integration with the holy camp in the midst of the wilderness” (229-30).
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