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Bruce Lee
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Bruce Lee, the world's deadliest janitor.Bruce Lee,
A man of few words, and even fewer likes. One time Bruce was asked to protect a man with his life. The man was shot at. Bruce blinked and stopped the bullets, that's right Neo, he didn't have to even hold his fucking hand up. He then went on to use hypnosis on the shooter, he made him believe that he was being anally raped and there was nothing he could do about it. The man later died of dehydration and starvation. He is the inventor of the Kamehameha, which he once used to aid his solo flight around the world. The shockwave of the Kamehameha obliterated the dinosaurs, leaving their bones, which scientists today call "fossils". He had a style that includes various animal techniques, such as "Prancing Dragon", "Keyboard Cat", or "kicking ass". Bruce Lee is known for his many acting jobs in Hollywood. One most famous acting job was given to Lee when he was offered the part of a young boy, merely 7, whom was fighting off a bad opium addiction, while fathering two children, while also kicking every person in sights ass.
Bruce Lee is frequently - and incorrectly - labeled as the founder of the martial art Jeet Kune Do, which was actually formulated by Bruce Li with the help of a supercomputer in 1977. But, of course, if you have read the previous paragraph, you know that Bruce Lee made everything, including the supercomputer; so there really is no point in arguing who invented this or who did that, because it was Bruce Lee, and Bruce Lee was it... period.
The only reason Bruce Lee has deprived us of his grace was due to a violent argument with his father, Daddy Lee, who promptly slapped the boy into another dimension altogether.
It is also true that Bruce Lee once screamed "Waataah" so loud that he caused brain damage to a close pedestrian.
[edit] Childhood
Bruce Lee was a pineapple in his previous life. To repent for the wrong he did in his previous life, he fought every man in the solar system and lost. This is currently a hotly-debated issue in numerous academic universities and scientific laboratories worldwide. Scholars are baffled and amazed at Bruce Lee's ability to do damage even when he is trapped inside a fruit, such as a pineapple. Needless to say, the pineapple is one of his least favourite foods, due to his overconsumption of the fruit - after a lifetime of eating pineapple fruit, he went beyond insane, telekinetically ripping out opponents' skulls and drinking their spinal fluid to gain strength and momentary peace of mind.
[edit] The Legend of the so-called "Fat Kid"
Many people throughout Middle Earth, also known as runescape, Asia and Mecca believed that Bruce Lee was to be known as the little dragon. However, research from an old master who taught Bruce in his youth known as "Yip Man" or sometimes "Master Roshi" told the world the legend of how Bruce saved the world from an intergalatic threat that went by the name of "Majin Buu". As much as it seemed at the time that Bruce was winning, Majin Buu caught Bruce off guard whilst he was tending to a wounded Jackie Chan and Jet Li who had been almost completely decipated by the creature's evil attacks. Though Bruce though Buu was dead after a 21,000-hit combo from Bruce's magical pair of crystal amethyst nunchaku, Buu simply reformed his head and attacked Bruce from behind, causing a small cut that ran from approximately half a centimetre below his right eye to an inch northwest of his right nostril. One time he killed a little boy at a super market for metioning Sephiroth, police atempted to arrest him but he kicked them through the wall and they were never seen again. Before Bruce left Earth in the 70's, he flicked an old lady in the face because there was a fly on her forhead, and she, too, was never seen again.
With the legend of Bruce being known as the little dragon, his pet got no recognition for the fight. The dragon went on a mad rampage when asked what it was like to be a "Side Kick" to an immortal legend who even a 12-mile long fire-breathing dragon could not comprehend. Bruce for this reason buried it under the great wall of China were it sleeps today, going by the name of "Bitch". Techno band "The Prodigy" wrote a song about the time they saw Bruce training with the creature in Guantanamo Bay with his two Asian friends Harold and Kumar. A year later they reached number one with "Smack my Bitch Up". In Bruce's absence, Jackie Chan and Big Boss have taken it upon themselves to feed the creature, when summoned from underneath the great wall of China, Big Boss beats the dragon down with Chan's help, Big Boss then pins the creature down as Jackie force feeds the animal its greens and Asian chicks. This task has become very strenuous since Steve Irwin died feeding Bruce's manta ray.
[edit] His Legendary Feats and Abilities
Bruce Lee's punches were so fast that they moved at more than ten times the speed of light and thus traveled into the past and landed on his own body moments earlier. This is what really killed him - the only thing powerful enough; his own fists. Although you must keep in mind that Bruce Lee never died, he only chose to stop his presence on earth because it became boring after a while. It has also been determined that Bruce Lee's body contained all the strength and power of His Holiness, the Dalai Lama's right arm.
Foot size varies from stabbing pin size anything up to tractor size - special expandable footwear helped him get a shoe in to the film industry.
Bruce Lee using the chi to give 3 women, 9001 miles away from his location, an orgasm.The only way Bruce could get to sleep was to stare at himself flexing and dancing in a mirror and try and frighten himself into a faint. Mostly, though, he had to take a dump and then he fell asleep at the bathroom.
Another Shaolin technique developed by Bruce was his famous "heat endurance". Having mastered the art of walking on white-hot coals while still in the womb, Bruce used to hitch a ride on any space vehicle (Why the fuck he would actually need to hitch a ride on a space vehicle no one knows) - but on the outside. His zen mastery prevented him from burning up on reentry into the earth's atmosphere. The oxygen-free atmosphere of space was no problem for Bruce, either - he breathed no more than 10 times throughout his life, believing it to be wasteful. Again, he did not want to take away from the precious time of Chinese checkers and mildly okay sex.
Bruce had such absolutely perfect muscle control that he could shake hands with one person, while ripping off the hand of another person - not even in the same room. In addition, he is able to make any woman orgasm continuously for an indefinite amount of time just by simply touching them with one finger, at any location on their body. Such ability has led the male population to unanimously award Bruce Lee's girlfriend the Luckiest Woman in the Universe title... just imagine what he could do with his other finger... It has been boasted that he was so powerful and influential that Arnold Schwarzenegger has no problem being satisfied. Even after his physical, earthly death, it is rumored that she still has orgasms from when they first made love, and that Bruce Lee loved her so much that he gave her the ability to induce orgasm at any intensity whenever she wishes, thus she would remain loyal to him only. Another feat of muscle control demonstrated was his ability to transform into water.
Bruce Lee's sperm was so powerful that one continued to exist within the fertilized egg that became his son (don't believe me, ask your mom), swimming its way around the son's body fighting to gain control, until it exploded in rage, killing him decades later. This is what really killed Brandon Lee.
There is also missing footage from Bruce's famed kung fu demonstration at Long Beach, where he compressed a Chevy with his bare hands to the size of a stock cube. He also demonstrated the famous one-inch punch. To date, scientists believe that his demonstration of the one-inch punch was so powerful that it caused a massive tsunami which killed more than 200,000 people 30 years later.
One of Bruce's party tricks was to lift an Abrams tank by its barrel - one tank in each hand, arms extended - and then smash them together. Such force reduced the tanks to atoms, resulting in the illusion that they had disappeared. Bruce Lee once broke a 12-inch thick board with a flick of a pinky. One man doubted Bruce's powers by saying that for someone with infinite power, he should be able to do more. It was then noted that the board was not made out of wood but of this man's spine and he died, painfully, by Bruce Lee, because he looked at him funny and also pissed him off.
What actually happened was that Bruce got angry at himself, because he took 1/100 of a second to kill someone rather that 1/1000 as per usual. This brought much strain on his Heart and he collapsed into a coma until his Recover in 2005, where he proceeded to Face Jackie Chan and Jet Li in a battle for Kung Fu supremacy. However the trio tired after an hour of combat and chose to go to MacDonalds for lunch instead.
