-
IP addresses are NOT logged in this forum so there's no point asking. Please note that this forum is full of homophobes, racists, lunatics, schizophrenics & absolute nut jobs with a smattering of geniuses, Chinese chauvinists, Moderate Muslims and last but not least a couple of "know-it-alls" constantly sprouting their dubious wisdom. If you believe that content generated by unsavory characters might cause you offense PLEASE LEAVE NOW! Sammyboy Admin and Staff are not responsible for your hurt feelings should you choose to read any of the content here. The OTHER forum is HERE so please stop asking.
Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
Bugger.... for some, it's mushrooms on mouthpiece. Talk about organic too!:p
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, " Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, " Error. Not long enough. "
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. " What the hell do you think you're doing ? " " I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." " Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you ? "
Two blondes were robbing a hotel. The first one said, " I hear sirens... Jump ! "
The second one said, " But we're on the 13th floor ! "
The first one screamed back, " This is no time to be superstitious."
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. " What the hell do you think you're doing ? " " I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." " Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you ? "
Two blondes were robbing a hotel. The first one said, " I hear sirens... Jump ! "
The second one said, " But we're on the 13th floor ! "
The first one screamed back, " This is no time to be superstitious."
As I have grown older :
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Pregnant Prostitute..........
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
The prostitute replies, "Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart ? “
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Pregnant Prostitute..........
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
The prostitute replies, "Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart ? “
The Deaf Bookkeeper.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the money?"
The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!' The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!'
The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'
The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger'.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the money?"
The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!' The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!'
The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'
The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger'.
The Top 6 Morons of 2014
1. * WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP ? *
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.
He received a $26 million severance package.
- Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence........
2. * WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
*Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. * DID I SAY THAT ? *Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted : That’s what I said ! '4. * ARE WE COMMUNICATING ? *A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child ?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, ' This is her husband ! '
5. * NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED !
*In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo) !
6. * THE GRAND FINALE !
*Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver,no matter how much power they applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer ! Must have been a Swede .........
Now remember these are all true stories, and these people vote and have children !*
1. * WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP ? *
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.
He received a $26 million severance package.
- Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence........
2. * WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
*Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. * DID I SAY THAT ? *Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted : That’s what I said ! '4. * ARE WE COMMUNICATING ? *A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child ?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, ' This is her husband ! '
5. * NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED !
*In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo) !
6. * THE GRAND FINALE !
*Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver,no matter how much power they applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer ! Must have been a Swede .........
Now remember these are all true stories, and these people vote and have children !*
Daughter:
"Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.
I am in Australia and he lives in the UK. We met on a dating
website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he
proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship
through Viber.
Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes."
Father:
"Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband....sell him on Ebay".
"Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.
I am in Australia and he lives in the UK. We met on a dating
website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he
proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship
through Viber.
Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes."
Father:
"Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband....sell him on Ebay".
The office boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect from his co-workers.
The next day, he brought a big sign that read: "I'm the boss"
He then taped it onto his office-door.
Later that day, when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note next to the sign that said:
"Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"
The next day, he brought a big sign that read: "I'm the boss"
He then taped it onto his office-door.
Later that day, when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note next to the sign that said:
"Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was...God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get really screwed!
That was good
All his contributions are very Good.
keeps me away from the nonsenses in the outside world.
many thanks YY.
Proof - that the world is crazy !
Fact No. 1 ...... In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals. But, the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal, is punishable by death ! Comment ...... Does this make sense ?
Fact No. 2 ...... In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals. But, he is prohibited from looking directly at them, during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror ! Comment ...... Do they look different, in reverse ?
Fact No. 3 ...... Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick, or piece of wood, at all times ! Comment ...... Brick ? Wood ?? What is this ???
Fact No. 4 ...... The penalty for masturbation, in Indonesia, is decapitation ! Comment ...... Lord ! This is much worse than the theory of " Going Blind " !!!
Fact No. 5 ...... There are men in Guam, whose full-time job, is to travel the countryside and de-flower young virgins, whose fathers pay them, for the privilege of their daughters having sex for the first time ! That is because, under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry !!! Comment ...... Now let me think ...... Is there any job, anywhere else in the world, that even comes close to this ?
Fact No. 6 ...... In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband. But, she may only do so, with her bare hands ! Comment ...... No wonder, the Chinese teach their daughters Kung-Fu !!!
Fact No. 7 ...... In Hong Kong, the same betrayed wife, may kill her husband's illicit lover, in any manner desired ! Comment ...... Aaaah ! Justice !!!
Fact No. 8 ...... Topless saleswomen, are legal in Liverpool, England. But, only in tropical fish stores ! Comment ...... But, of-course !!!
Fact No. 9 ...... In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband. And the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act ! Comment ...... Whaaaat ??? Will the husband even get it up ? Makes one shudder at the thought !!!
Fact No. 10 ...... In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time ! Comment ...... I presume this problem, was so great, that they had to pass this law !!!
Fact No. 11 ...... In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception : Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine, only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises ! Comment ...... Would like to meet the originator of this law ! Is this a great country, or what ? But ...... not as great as Guam !
Fact No. 12 ...... Banging your head, against a wall, uses 150 Calories an hour ! Comment ...... Exactly, who volunteers for such tests ?
Fact No. 13 ...... The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over, on its right side, when intoxicated ! Comment ...... Intoxicated from drinking bottles of ? Did our Government actually pay for this " research " ?
Fact No. 14 ...... Butterflies, taste with their feet. Comment ...... Who exactly did this all important " research " for the benefit of mankind ?
Fact No. 15 ...... The eye of an Ostrich, is bigger than its brain ! Comment ...... I know some people like that !
Fact No. 16 ...... Starfish, don't have brains ! Comment ...... I know some people like that, too !
Fact No. 17 ...... Turtles can breathe through their butts ! Comment ...... And I thought, some people had bad breath !
I think, I have educated you enough. If you wish to get in touch with me, I shall be in Guam !!!
Fact No. 1 ...... In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals. But, the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal, is punishable by death ! Comment ...... Does this make sense ?
Fact No. 2 ...... In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals. But, he is prohibited from looking directly at them, during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror ! Comment ...... Do they look different, in reverse ?
Fact No. 3 ...... Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick, or piece of wood, at all times ! Comment ...... Brick ? Wood ?? What is this ???
Fact No. 4 ...... The penalty for masturbation, in Indonesia, is decapitation ! Comment ...... Lord ! This is much worse than the theory of " Going Blind " !!!
Fact No. 5 ...... There are men in Guam, whose full-time job, is to travel the countryside and de-flower young virgins, whose fathers pay them, for the privilege of their daughters having sex for the first time ! That is because, under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry !!! Comment ...... Now let me think ...... Is there any job, anywhere else in the world, that even comes close to this ?
Fact No. 6 ...... In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband. But, she may only do so, with her bare hands ! Comment ...... No wonder, the Chinese teach their daughters Kung-Fu !!!
Fact No. 7 ...... In Hong Kong, the same betrayed wife, may kill her husband's illicit lover, in any manner desired ! Comment ...... Aaaah ! Justice !!!
Fact No. 8 ...... Topless saleswomen, are legal in Liverpool, England. But, only in tropical fish stores ! Comment ...... But, of-course !!!
Fact No. 9 ...... In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband. And the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act ! Comment ...... Whaaaat ??? Will the husband even get it up ? Makes one shudder at the thought !!!
Fact No. 10 ...... In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time ! Comment ...... I presume this problem, was so great, that they had to pass this law !!!
Fact No. 11 ...... In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception : Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine, only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises ! Comment ...... Would like to meet the originator of this law ! Is this a great country, or what ? But ...... not as great as Guam !
Fact No. 12 ...... Banging your head, against a wall, uses 150 Calories an hour ! Comment ...... Exactly, who volunteers for such tests ?
Fact No. 13 ...... The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over, on its right side, when intoxicated ! Comment ...... Intoxicated from drinking bottles of ? Did our Government actually pay for this " research " ?
Fact No. 14 ...... Butterflies, taste with their feet. Comment ...... Who exactly did this all important " research " for the benefit of mankind ?
Fact No. 15 ...... The eye of an Ostrich, is bigger than its brain ! Comment ...... I know some people like that !
Fact No. 16 ...... Starfish, don't have brains ! Comment ...... I know some people like that, too !
Fact No. 17 ...... Turtles can breathe through their butts ! Comment ...... And I thought, some people had bad breath !
I think, I have educated you enough. If you wish to get in touch with me, I shall be in Guam !!!
Hilarious selection. Now pray do tell us about Guam.... any war stories? :p
See fact no. 5, I'm doing just that. he..he..
The Charitable Husband...
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
She screamed at him: "You're a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I'm your faithful wife!"
She was about to storm off when her husband stopped her with these words: "Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!"
"Fine!" cried the angry wife, "but they will be your last words to me!"
"Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home.
She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don't wear because the colors don't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, "Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn't use anymore?"
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
She screamed at him: "You're a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I'm your faithful wife!"
She was about to storm off when her husband stopped her with these words: "Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!"
"Fine!" cried the angry wife, "but they will be your last words to me!"
"Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home.
She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don't wear because the colors don't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, "Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn't use anymore?"
Golden words by a wise man
1. "If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change a TV channel"
2. "Listening to wife is like reading the terms and conditions of website. You understand Nothing, still you agree..."
3. "Chess is the only game in the world, which reflects the status of the husband. The poor King can take only one step at a time...While the mighty Queen can do whatever she likes."
4. "All men are brave. Horror movies don't scare them...But 2 missed calls from wife...surely will..."
1. "If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change a TV channel"
2. "Listening to wife is like reading the terms and conditions of website. You understand Nothing, still you agree..."
3. "Chess is the only game in the world, which reflects the status of the husband. The poor King can take only one step at a time...While the mighty Queen can do whatever she likes."
4. "All men are brave. Horror movies don't scare them...But 2 missed calls from wife...surely will..."
Similar threads
