Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[hornylee]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they
passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

 

[hornylee]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00AM.'
He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

[yinyang]

Bike for boss (and not forgetting pepper tail?) :p Seatless?

Baby travel baggage?

 

[yinyang]

Re: Bin man and china man

New hair cut now in vogue?

Just out from nail bar

Cat just out from salon, with curls to show off

 

[hornylee]

Re: Bin man and china man

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one

 

[hornylee]

Re: Bin man and china man

t the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

 

[yinyang]

Signs of the times? :p

As I sit in a restaurant watching families,sad to say, there is no talking to one another.Instead everyone is busy on their i phones, or whatever.This is already a reality.No family bonding.! So the scene below will soon be reality too.

PASTOR: "Praise the Lord!"
CONGREGATION: "Hallelujah!"
PASTOR: "Can we please turn on our tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Cor 13:13.
And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."

P-a-u-s-e...

"Now, Let us pray committing this week into God's hands.
Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God"

S-i-l-e-n-c-e

"As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready."
"You can log on to the church wi-fi using the password 'Lord909887. ' "

The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:
Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.
Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.
Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cellphones to transfer your contributions to the church account.
The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!

Final Blessing and Closing Announcements...
This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place.

Please log in and don't miss out. Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT.
Please don't miss out. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers.

God bless you and have nice day.

 

[yinyang]

Re: Automated car that never goes wrong!

Lost in translation?? :p

( This is the English Translation:- )

There was this robbery in Guangzhou, the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you".

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".

One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!" This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"

When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who in only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!" This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"

After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed". This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"

The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month". This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."

The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB. The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!" This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery. This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"

End of translation…


The original Chinese Version….

广东一伙劫匪在抢劫银行时说了一句至理名言：“通通不许动，钱是国家的，命是自己的！”大家都一声不吭躺倒。
这叫观念转换。改变原有固定思维方式。

　　劫匪望了一眼穿着裙子躺在桌上四肢朝天的出纳小姐，说：“请你躺文明些！这是劫财，又不是劫色！”
这叫坚持职业操守，不该干的不干！

　　劫匪成功回去后，其中一个新来的劫匪（硕士学位）说，“老大，我们赶快数一下抢了多少”。

　　那老劫匪（小学文化）说：“你傻啊？这么多，你要数到什么时候啊？今天晚上看新闻不就知道了吗。”
　　这就叫工作经验，这年头工作经验比学历更重要!

　　劫匪走后，行长说，赶紧报案！主任刚要走，行长急忙说：“ 等等！把我们上次私自挪用的那五百万也加上去！”

这叫危机预案，化不利为有利。

　　主任说：“要是劫匪每个月都来抢一回就好了”。

　　工作很枯燥，快乐最重要！

　　第二天新闻联播报道银行被抢了一亿，

劫匪数来数去只有两千万。

　　老大骂道：“妈的，老子拼了一条命才抢了两千万，银行行长动动手指头就赚了八千万，看来这年头还是要读书啊！”
这叫知识可以转化金钱的证明

　　银行行长看到新闻联播后激动滴对主任说：“妈的，你小子可以，胆儿够肥的啊......

　　主任笑而不语，如卸重负暗自心想：“妈的，终于通过劫匪把买中石油股票的窟窿补上了。”
这叫抓住机会顺势而为，且要敢于冒险。

 

[hornylee]

Confucius Say. A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

 

[sirus]

Four brothers left home for college,and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she
can,t read anymore because she can,t see very well.
I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: Milton,the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered,so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people,but all of my friends are dead, l've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I have never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
Luv Ya, MAMA

 

[yinyang]

deleted, double post

 

[8868]

Just for a laugh

 

[hornylee]

Doggone Smart
==============

Two neighbors are talking to each other.

First neighbor:
Do you know that my dog is so smart, he waits for the newspaper
to drop at the doorstep and then delivers it to me?

Second neighbor:
Of course, I know that very well.

First neighbor:
Really, well then, how?

Second neighbor:
My dog came and told me.

 

[yinyang]

Most unfortunate ad placements? :p

 

[yinyang]

More unfortunate ad placements :p

 

[erection2015]

How They Have Sex


ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

 

[yinyang]

Re: What's a good height for a bed??

Now you know how trees are made of (or come from)!?! :p

 

[yinyang]

Chinese Wisdom

In the Chinese language, the word "LAO"老 means old. It also has the connotation of "experienced" or "seasoned".

An experienced or seasoned person can be an expert in manipulation, as shown in the following illustrations:

*
Two things in life that are difficult to achieve:

1. To plant your idea in someone's head
2. To plant someone's money in your own pocket.

Achieving any one of the above is difficult. But there are people, with the title of LAO, can achieve one or both:

1. He who succeeds in planting his idea in someone's head - we call Lao Shi (teacher)

2. He who succeeds in planting someone's money in his own pocket - we call Lao Ban (boss)

3. The one who succeeds in both - we call Lao Po (wife) or Lao Qian (trickster)

4. The one who fails in both - we call Lao Gong (husband)

 

[yinyang]

And you thought you were only one being clever?

and you thought you were the only one being clever?

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=upEB...=/watch?v=upEBdKFGlPg&feature=player_embedded

 

[Windsorhai]

Why no credit to source?

No standard. Just pure plagarising.