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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2012
- Messages
- 220
- Points
- 63
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says:
"Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every day my husband seems to lose his temper
for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it
seems that your husband is getting angry, just
take a glass of water and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it
until he either leaves the room or goes to
bed and is asleep!"
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the
doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband started losing it, I swished
with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed
right down! How does a glass of water do that???"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing.
It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
__,_._,___
"Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every day my husband seems to lose his temper
for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it
seems that your husband is getting angry, just
take a glass of water and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it
until he either leaves the room or goes to
bed and is asleep!"
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the
doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband started losing it, I swished
with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed
right down! How does a glass of water do that???"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing.
It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
__,_._,___
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2008
- Messages
- 20,448
- Points
- 113
Bin man and china man
A refuse collector, is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says theChinese man. Morning mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin
on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.."No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the
collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie' bin?'"
"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in
the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
A refuse collector, is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says theChinese man. Morning mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin
on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.."No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the
collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie' bin?'"
"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in
the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
Last edited:
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2008
- Messages
- 20,448
- Points
- 113
Re: Bin man and china man
Nah, that's a linguist cockup. Worse things happen, even with intra races
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2012
- Messages
- 220
- Points
- 63
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $250.00
“That’s a bit much”, said Tim, so she returned with another bottle for $130.00.
“That’s still quite a bit”, Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk showed him a perfume valued at $50.00.
“What I mean……”, said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap…”
The clerk handed him a mirror.
“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $250.00
“That’s a bit much”, said Tim, so she returned with another bottle for $130.00.
“That’s still quite a bit”, Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk showed him a perfume valued at $50.00.
“What I mean……”, said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap…”
The clerk handed him a mirror.
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2008
- Messages
- 20,448
- Points
- 113
Automated car that never goes wrong!
A rich man ordered a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly,
without any error. He got the car and started sending it on errands. He soon became very
proud of what the car could do, without mistakes.
One day, when he too wasn't able to go out, his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick
up the children from school, because she was so tired. The man agreed and said to the car,
"Car, go and bring my children from school."
The car went and didn't return within the expected time. They knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive. He dressed up and got ready
to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car
coming with a whole load of children. The car parked right in front of them and said; "These
are your children, sir".
In the car were their landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress' two sons, his wife's best
friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbor's two sons.
The furious Wife shouted; "Don't tell me all these ones are your children?"
Whereupon the man calmly asked her; "And can you tell me why OUR children are
not in the car?"
A rich man ordered a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly,
without any error. He got the car and started sending it on errands. He soon became very
proud of what the car could do, without mistakes.
One day, when he too wasn't able to go out, his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick
up the children from school, because she was so tired. The man agreed and said to the car,
"Car, go and bring my children from school."
The car went and didn't return within the expected time. They knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive. He dressed up and got ready
to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car
coming with a whole load of children. The car parked right in front of them and said; "These
are your children, sir".
In the car were their landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress' two sons, his wife's best
friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbor's two sons.
The furious Wife shouted; "Don't tell me all these ones are your children?"
Whereupon the man calmly asked her; "And can you tell me why OUR children are
not in the car?"
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2008
- Messages
- 20,448
- Points
- 113
Drugs in tennis balls??
The Williams sisters were recently discussing the problem of drugs in the warm-up room before a doubles match.
"I think Dad might be slipping us steroids," whispered Serena.
"What makes you say that?" replied a stunned Venus.
"Well", started Serena embarrassingly, "I've started to grow hair on parts of my body that have never had hair before!"
"Shit ... like where?" Venus asked.
"Like all over my balls!" Serena replied.
The Williams sisters were recently discussing the problem of drugs in the warm-up room before a doubles match.
"I think Dad might be slipping us steroids," whispered Serena.
"What makes you say that?" replied a stunned Venus.
"Well", started Serena embarrassingly, "I've started to grow hair on parts of my body that have never had hair before!"
"Shit ... like where?" Venus asked.
"Like all over my balls!" Serena replied.
- Joined
- May 9, 2011
- Messages
- 1,987
- Points
- 0
Ethnic Wisdom
The Jewish ELBOW
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who
is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment
301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow,
push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is
on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get
out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow? .........."
"What . . . .. ... You coming empty handed?"
_______________________________________________
Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down
through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me
your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business,
you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a
couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda
you wife inna bed with another man.
What you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say "Time's up?"
___________________________________________________________________________
Irish blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars
in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down,
rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on baby,
Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.
"Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers,
picked up her winnings
and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....
but all men...are men!
___________________________________________________________________________
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine!
The Jewish ELBOW
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who
is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment
301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow,
push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is
on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get
out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow? .........."
"What . . . .. ... You coming empty handed?"
_______________________________________________
Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down
through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me
your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business,
you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a
couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda
you wife inna bed with another man.
What you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say "Time's up?"
___________________________________________________________________________
Irish blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars
in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down,
rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on baby,
Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.
"Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers,
picked up her winnings
and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....
but all men...are men!
___________________________________________________________________________
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine!
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
- Joined
- May 20, 2011
- Messages
- 13,972
- Points
- 113
a young BosSam.....hes the one on the right.
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2012
- Messages
- 220
- Points
- 63
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost . Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew! ", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost . Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew! ", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2008
- Messages
- 20,448
- Points
- 113
Demeanor has changed?
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
- Joined
- May 20, 2011
- Messages
- 13,972
- Points
- 113
- Joined
- May 9, 2011
- Messages
- 1,987
- Points
- 0
Paraprosdokians
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
8. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
9. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
11. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
13. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
16. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
17.I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
18. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
19. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
20. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
21. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
22.You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
23. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
24. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
25. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
26.Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
27. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
28. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
29. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
31. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
32. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
33. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
34. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
35. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
36. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
37. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
8. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
9. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
11. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
13. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
16. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
17.I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
18. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
19. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
20. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
21. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
22.You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
23. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
24. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
25. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
26.Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
27. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
28. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
29. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
31. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
32. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
33. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
34. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
35. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
36. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
37. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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