Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[jubilee1919]

Gangnam Style

 

[jubilee1919]

 

[jubilee1919]

Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID.. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR AND BEGAN TALKING.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID... "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!"

 

[jubilee1919]

 

[jubilee1919]

Scots Shock

A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, run!"

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye ba$$tarrd, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained, "He can't run because he got four balls."

The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man! Walk with pride!"

-----

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. He noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

-----

Little Johnny Playing for Cash

"Thanks so much for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his Uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I've ever got."
"Well Johnny, that's great," smiled his Uncle. "Have you learned how to play it yet?"
"Oh, no, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

-----

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said: 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied: 'My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book And answered: 'I am the Father of many.'

The boy said: 'my dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said: 'I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said: 'maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar.'

-----

Smart Alec

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $5 each," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

 

[pisspot]

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his mates and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aboriginee in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere .… screaming .… growling .… Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a mere dead goldfish. Colin slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars, mate.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I still have to give it to you. You won the bet.'

'No thanks .... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex, and some stock options?’

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said, ‘I want the bastard who pushed me in.’

 

[hornylee]

A man is walking behind his wife and says,

"Baby you are so fat now your bum looks like a washing machine."

The wife keeps quiet and keeps walking.

Bed time, the man is asking for sex.

The wife says, "I can't start the washing machine for such a small load.

You'll have to hand wash!"

 

[jubilee1919]

 

[DerekDuhh]

[

Must have been a guy who ordered the cake

 

[jubilee1919]

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the crap out of him.




What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?
A cock that stays up all night.




A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she let out a sigh.

The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough.

The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happen to which the man replied,' 'She choked.''



There was this blonde lady in a row boat in the middle of the desert rowing this boat. In the middle of this desert there was a road. Another blonde lady was driving down the road and saw the other blonde lady, she stopped her car got out and yelled,

"Your the reason blondes have such bad names!!! If I could swim, I'd go out there and kick your ass!!!"

 

[yinyang]

Re: a joke for laugh

Jub, good to see you handy work again. :p

Woooo, on that last snack (or supper?)... pity, rest of us maybe under-nourished too! :o

 

[DerekDuhh]

Gangnam Style

If its one guy behind then can say Gangnam style. If more than 1 guy then its Gangbang style.

 

[jubilee1919]

Re: a joke for laugh

Jub, good to see you handy work again. :p

Woooo, on that last snack (or supper?)... pity, rest of us would maybe under-nourished too! :o

Thanks to Cecilia Sue, blow-jobs now the in-thing.

 

[jubilee1919]

Re: a joke for laugh

Bottom Percussion



I can do better with my stick. Only thing is the sound will be more like "Fap fap fap."

 

[jubilee1919]

Re: a joke for laugh

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

To that she replies, "Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs."

He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"



Specialty Dessert

A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty.

The man had a truly fantastic meal. The waiter asked if the man wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out the restaurant's specialty.

The waiter said that was the peach poosay and he would order it for him. A waitress came out with a covered silver platter. She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been quartered and pitted. The waitress proceeded to raise her skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out of her pussy. She picked up the second piece and did the same.

The man called the waiter over and asked, "Am I actually expected to eat the peach after that?"

The waiter responded, "But no Monsieur, you eat the poosay."



Don't Tell Me You're Pregnant Again

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework.
They hired a lovely lass for the job.
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat.
One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.
.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."
The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you.
My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."
She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay.
The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit.
The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay.
She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave.
Same thing.
She was pregnant.
They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby.
She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
.
"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."

 

[jubilee1919]

Re: a joke for laugh

Is Sex Work Or Fun???

A Canadian Army N.C.O. was about to start the morning briefing to all of his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the N.C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much concerning the act of sex was 'work', and how much of it was pure 'pleasure'?
A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of 'work'.
A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.
A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of 'pleasure', depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the N.C.O. turned to the New Private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion ?
Without any hesitation, the young Private responded, "100% pleasure, Sergeant."
The N.C.O. was a little surprised and, as you might guess, said "And why is that soldier" ?
"Well, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them, Sergeant".
The room fell silent.

God Bless the Private.

 

[spotter542]

Re: a joke for laugh

 

[yinyang]

How low will the dollar fall?

Unsure if this posted before (elsewhere), but heck a good 1 deserves a replay

 

[yinyang]

Cartoons to chill

 

[jubilee1919]

True Story....