Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[yinyang]

Polish divorce? :p


> THE POLISH DIVORCE
> A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
> Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
> One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
> Arrange a divorce for him.
> The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
> Circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
>
> Have you any grounds?
> Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
>
> No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
> It made of concrete.
>
> I don't think you understand.
>
> Does either of you have a real grudge?
> No, we have carport, and not need one.
>
> I mean what are your relations like
> All my relations still in Poland .
>
> Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
> We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
>
> Does your wife beat you up?
> No, I always up before her.
>
> Is your wife a nagger?
> No, she white.
>
> Why do you want this divorce?
> She going to kill me.
>
> What makes you think that?
> I got proof.
>
> What kind of proof?
> She going to poison me.
>
> She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
> I can read English pretty good, and it say:

 

[jubilee1919]

Woman describing her ordeal after a store she was in got robbed. The store assistant pulled out a gun and the robber ran off. Listen to her and the video below that took the internet by storm with a song called "Backing Up."

 

[jubilee1919]

[video=youtube_share;2g76DUy7jKY]http://youtu.be/2g76DUy7jKY[/video]

 

[jubilee1919]

 

[yinyang]

Re: a joke for laugh

Jub, see you back (with a vengeance) after CNY break. Think we had better (read: formidable) rears from you earlier. This 1's a bad ass hehehe:p

 

[jubilee1919]

Re: a joke for laugh

Jub, see you back (with a vengeance) after CNY break. Think we had better (read: formidable) rears from you earlier. This 1's a bad ass hehehe:p

Slow start to the Lunar New Year bro. Now gathering materials to give you guys a blast if possible.

 

[jubilee1919]

Re: a joke for laugh

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.



After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.




Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

 

[jubilee1919]

Re: a joke for laugh

 

[pisspot]

The New Alphabet

A's for arthritis;B's the bad back,C's the chest pains,perhaps car-d-iac

D is for dental decay and decline,E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!F is for fissures and fluid retention,G is for gas which I'd rather not mention

H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;I is for incisions with scars you can show.J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is*for libido, what happened to sex?M is for memory, I forget what comes next.N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is* for sleepless nights, counting my fears,T is*for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?X is for X ray, and what might be found.Y is another year I'm left here behind,Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.


I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed

 

[jubilee1919]

WTF!

 

[yinyang]

Re: a joke for laugh

How babies are made? :p

Canadian photographer Patrice Laroche surely will have no trouble explaining to his kids about the birds and the bees.

During his wife Sandra’s pregnancy, the artist created this hilarious explanatory photo series titled “How to Make a Baby.”** The creative couple planned and carried out their project throughout the whole period of 9 months, taking pictures in the exact same settings as Sandra’s belly expanded.*
*
The pregnancy saga of Sandra and Patrice basically denounces all the traditional cabbage and the stork stories.
**********************

 

[jubilee1919]

Re: a joke for laugh

We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married. My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea!
My girlfriend? She is a dream! But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister…

This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses. Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear. She never did that in front of someone else!

One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations. When I arrived she was alone. She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she cann’t overcome them. She also said that she desperately wanted to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister.

I was shocked and could not say a word …

She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her.

I froze and looked at her going up the stairs.

Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me.

I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door. I opened it and
I walked to the car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!

Moral Lesson: ALWAYS KEEP CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR!



A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'




Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

 

[jubilee1919]

Re: a joke for laugh

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered,' They send us on bus tours!

Oh god guys... they aren't going to need us anymore.

This must be stopped.... well maybe they can do it a little while longer.

 

[jubilee1919]

WTF!

http://www.imagebam.com/free-hotlinking/c94691210906254/

http://www.imagebam.com/free-hotlinking/591932210906340/

Sorry, somehow not able to get the images to work. Hope someone can help with this.

 

[DerekDuhh]

Re: a joke for laugh

Cool message by a woman : Dear mother-in-law,
"don't teach me how to handle my children,
I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement."

 

[pisspot]

An intelligent wife is one who spends so much that her husband can't afford another woman.

 

[jubilee1919]

 

[jubilee1919]

Not funny but quite interesting about this old couple.

A young couple wanted to join the church.

The vicar told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church. When the vicar ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon. Is there a problem ?' the vicar inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' the young man replied sadly.

The vicar asked him what had happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible ... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.'

'One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, and passionate.'

'It lasted for over a few minutes, and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The vicar lowered his head and said sternly, 'You do understand that this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at the paint shop either.'

 

[jubilee1919]

Food For Thought


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

 

[jubilee1919]

This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft.
The answer may surprise you.

"What is the primary advantage of rotary-winged aircraft over fixed-winged aircraft?"