Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[jubilee1919]

Five years old Benny comes home from Hebrew school one day and says to his parents, “I learned something interesting at school today.”
“That’s nice, Benny,” says his father, “What did you learn today?”
Benny thinks for a moment, then replies, “Daddy, have all the men in our family had their willies criticised?”
His mother laughs out loud. “Oh Benny, darling, the word is circumcised, not criticised, but either way the answer is still ‘YES’.”



A couple just moved into hotel. And the hotel clerk asks the man after helping him with his luggage.
- Anything else?
- NO, thanks,
- Maybe, your wife needs something?
- Oh, yeah. Thank you for your reminder. Do you sell greeting cards?



Little Johnny’s is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.
Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, “This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny.”
He walks up to Little Johnny and says, “I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?”
Little Johnny replies, “A loaf of bread Father.”





The priest leaned closer to hear the girl’s confession. “So me and my cousin were alone in the house,” she continued, “and went up to my bedroom… “
“Go on, my child,” said the priest gently.
“I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand on my… on my… “
“Go on.”
“On my pussy,” stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen.
“And touched me and touched me until I couldn’t help myself.”
“Yes, go on,” the priest directed.
“I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall,” the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, “and he began to press it against me… “
“Yes, yes… Go on,” he urged.
“And then we heard the front door slam – “
“Oh, SHIT!!!!" exclaimed the priest

 

[Faidenk]

Something is wrong here, Cambo girls don't speak Viet.

 

[yinyang]

TGIF funnies today :p

 

[hornylee]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'



Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.









The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



(THIS GETS BETTER!)





The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:


1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and


4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.



The women won.

 

[songsongpunggol]

Taoist Jokes
by Alan Sondheim
What did one Taoist say to the other? Nothing

Why don't Immortals tell riddles? They don't know the answers. What did the Immortal tell the mendicant? Nothing

How many Taoists does it take to change a lightbulb? None (i.e. Nothing)

Knock Knock. Who's there? Tao. Tao who? Tao art Nothing

What did the priest say to the Immortal? No Way! What did the Immortal reply? Nothing

Two Taoists went into a bar with a rabbi and a priest. The rabbi said to the priest, When we go to Heaven, we're allowed to leave. The priest said to the rabbi, when we go to Hell, we're stuck there. The Taoists said nothing, we're not going anywhere

What happens when you get two Taoists together? Nothing

Taoist riddle: What happens when you cross a duck and a mouse? Nothing

Two Taoists were talking. One asked, When is an obstruction not an obstruction? The other said, When the Tao gets in the Way (i.e. Nothing)

What's black and white and red (read) all over? The Taoteching (i.e. Nothing)

What weighs nothing and a thousand pounds? Two five-hundred pound Taoists (i.e. Nothing)

Two Immortals are in the bathtub. One says to the other, Please pass the soap. The other Immortal replies, No soap, radio.

 

[songsongpunggol]

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous
and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and
then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

 

[songsongpunggol]

A Zen monk in New York stops in the street and orders a $1. hot dog. He gives
the seller a $10 note, which the hot dog man puts in his pocket.
Finally the Zen Monk says,
"Hey,
where's my CHANGE???" The hot dog seller replies, "CHANGE comes from within!"




=====================================================


Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?

A: Because they have no attachments.


=====================================================

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Zen masters carry their own light.

 

[songsongpunggol]

A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, “Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?”

The Christian replies, “My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserve to enter Heaven.”

“OK,” replies the Angel. “Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter.” The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: “How do you spell God?” It is an easy question, and the Christian passes through the Gate.

Next came the Muslim, who says, “I did not do any especially good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven.” The Angel replies, “It sounds OK to me, but I have to give you a test also. How do you spell Allah?” The Muslim passes the test and enters Heaven.

Finally, it is the Buddhist’s turn. He tells the Angel, “I’ve done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha’s five precepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers.” The Angel replies, “That is very good, but there are no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in.” Thinking that the test should be simple, the Buddhist happily agrees.

The Angel then asks him: “How do you spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?”

 

[wathecrap]

Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?

A: Because they have no attachments.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Zen masters carry their own light.

Wathecrap happened to your points? The jokes werent that bad .

 

[yinyang]

happened to your points? The jokes werent that bad .

He's injured elsewhere, taking refuge here?:p Just rendered some 1st aid

 

[hornylee]

He's injured elsewhere, taking refuge here?:p Just rendered some 1st aid

Well done then Dr YY and now for some more funnies.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventu...ally. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[yinyang]

Mon funnies to start your week :p

 

[jubilee1919]

How women protect themselves from Muslim rapists.

 

[hornylee]

Cool message by a woman : Dear mother-in-law,
"don't teach me how to handle my children,
I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement."


What is the difference between mother and wife ?
One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.

 

[Leepotism]

One night, LKY was strolling alone along one of the streets in Paris when a pretty streetwalker walked up to him and asked if he wanted sexual service.

LKY: How much?
Streetwalker: $100.
LKY: No. Too expensive. $20 can?
Streetwalker: No.

LKY walked away to a nearby hotel where he and his wife were staying.
The next night, he brought his wife along the same street for a stroll. It so happened that the same street walker was also there soliciting for clients. When the streetwalker saw LKY and his wife holding hands, she blurted out loudly to LKY and pointed at his wife: Yes, $20 only this type

 

[jubilee1919]

 

[jubilee1919]

 

[jubilee1919]

 

[yinyang]

Re: Cartoons to chill

Jub, 1st pic looks like orgy -with you, erection and sadplumpgal thrown in for good measure hehehehe :p And welcum to leepotism :p

 

[jubilee1919]

Re: Cartoons to chill

Jub, 1st pic looks like orgy -with you, erection and sadplumpgal thrown in for good measure hehehehe :p And welcum to leepotism :p

Hehe not likely these days, I might have wet dreams during my youth with evil thoughts of participating in a threesome but never an orgy.



My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom.
I was 16.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the local chemist's.
In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a shop and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure
I apparently still looked confused.
So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty.
It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her.
It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
.
Then she beat the shit out of me....:(
.
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.