I have always been a people pleaser. I have always tried to fit in, to be one of the crowd.
At school I was everybody's friend. I fit in with the Preps and the Goths and every other stereotype you can imagine. It seemed to me that everybody else had something I wanted. No matter what I did, I couldn't find it.
I have gone to church just about my whole life. I sang the songs and talked the talk, but I never really bought into it. I always thought that since other people in my family believed, I didn't have to--I was covered. I loved going to church and hanging out with my friends on Sundays, but on Monday I was the girl who always fit in.
About God I always thought, How I am I supposed to love a person I don't know? Like if someone said to you, "I know a guy, and he's madly in love with you. Don't you love him, too?" If you had any common sense, you'd want to know who the person was--at least I did.
People always say, "I found Jesus." That's not how it was for me. I didn't find anything, no matter how hard I looked. The bottom line is that Jesus came looking for me. Don't get me wrong--it wasn't like, "Oh, I know Jesus now," and everything was all hearts and flowers. I wish it worked that way.
But about a year and half ago, I started to run after God for real.
Some of my friends from church talked me into going to a conference with them, and one of the speakers talked about how if you fit in perfectly with the world, you have a problem. I didn't think of it as a problem. I just thought the speaker didn't have any friends in high school and was still bitter about it. The other speakers were all about change-the-world-this and change-the-world-that. I was doing just fine in my little corner of the world not changing anything. They weren't hitting me like a lightning bolt: boom, change the world for Jesus.
Then over the weekend I was praying one of my packaged prayers: you know, "Bless Mom, bless Dad, thanks for everything I own, it would be nice to have world peace while you're at it." But during my prayer, the speaker's voice kept playing in my head. It hit me that out of all the people I knew, maybe two knew I was a Christian.
I'm always trying to fit in--not make waves, I thought. Exactly what kind of impact am I making? I knew if I were to speak up, people would look at me like I'd escaped from a place with padded walls--but if I didn't, then one day I'd have to try to explain to God that I was too embarrassed to let people know that I loved him. I didn't want to have to imagine that.
So I switched off of my "bless everyone" prayer and began to talk to God for real. I asked for boldness and courage every night, but in the morning I didn't wake up feeling like Wonder Woman.
Then I remembered how my older sister once told me that courage only comes after you face what you fear. You have to challenge your fears in order to defeat them. I decided to speak up about my faith, although I knew that it wouldn't be easy for me. I was really scared of what people would think. Remember, I had never been an individual; I had always tried to blend in. It was a huge stretch for me. It is never easy being the only one standing for what you believe.
I discovered that my sister was right. After I told one person what I believed, telling one more wasn't difficult. Believe it or not, other people saw that I was making a stand for Jesus, and they stood up right next to me.
For the first time in my life, I didn't try to fit in with anyone. In the process, I lost some of my friends because of my honesty. But faithful to the end, God soon sent good, strong Christian friends--people I didn't know well and really didn't want to know at first, I'll admit. Now that they are my friends, I see how judgmental and wrong I was. I would have missed so much not really knowing them.
Things are not easy; I don't think they ever will be. There are times when I know I am supposed to witness, but I back out. I kick myself for it, but I know that God forgives me every time. He's working with me.
I no longer fit in with every group, but how can you be passionately in love with Jesus and still play the field? You can't. If it comes down to a choice between "be welcomed on this earth" or "be welcomed in heaven," I will choose heaven any day.