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Jokes To Share
- Thread starter Windsor
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erection2015
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A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath,although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.
Then the girl went to bed and when the husband came in; the wife asked:
"Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"....
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.
Then the girl went to bed and when the husband came in; the wife asked:
"Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"....
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Committing Suicide?
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to
jump off a bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have
ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why
are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........"
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to
jump off a bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have
ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why
are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........"
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
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erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
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1ST GUY...... do you ever look at your wife's face when you make love
2nd guy ..... yeah i did once and i saw the anger there
1st guy ..... why anger ?
2nd guy ..... she was watching from the window.
2nd guy ..... yeah i did once and i saw the anger there
1st guy ..... why anger ?
2nd guy ..... she was watching from the window.
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A guy, with a very depressed look about him, sits down at the bar and rapidly orders drink after drink.
"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn't talking to me for a month!".
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"
The guys says, "Yeah, but today is the last day."
"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn't talking to me for a month!".
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"
The guys says, "Yeah, but today is the last day."
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Three old Aussie rednecks were working up on an outback Queensland cell phone tower: Coot Hooter, Hurricane Lamp and Martin Place. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.. As the ambulance takes the body away, Martin says, 'Well, bugger me; someone should go and tell Coot's wife.
Hurricane says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Martin says, 'Where did you get that beer, Hurricane?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Hurricane replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Hurricane says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be
Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer you are..'
Queenslanders are good at that sensitive stuff.
Hurricane says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Martin says, 'Where did you get that beer, Hurricane?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Hurricane replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Hurricane says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be
Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer you are..'
Queenslanders are good at that sensitive stuff.
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Racehorse
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
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What Happened in Texas?
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the saloon's regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the cowboy finished his drink and left the saloon, he found that his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another drink, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't wanna have to do what I done in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another drink and walked outside, to find that his horse had been returned to its post. He saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender followed the cowboy out of the bar. "Say partner, before you go," the bartender asked nervously, "what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the saloon's regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the cowboy finished his drink and left the saloon, he found that his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another drink, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't wanna have to do what I done in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another drink and walked outside, to find that his horse had been returned to its post. He saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender followed the cowboy out of the bar. "Say partner, before you go," the bartender asked nervously, "what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
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First Coat's Dry
The cowboy rushed into a saloon yelling, "All right, who's the wise guy that painted my horse yellow?" There was silence in the saloon.
"'Fess up if you dare," shouted the cowboy. With that, the biggest, meanest-looking hombre he had ever seen got up from one of the tables, rested his hands on his gun handles and coolly stated, "I did, whaddaya want to tell me?"
The cowboy looked up and down at this terrifying figure, swallowed hard and replied, "Just thought you'd like to know, the first coat's dry!"
The cowboy rushed into a saloon yelling, "All right, who's the wise guy that painted my horse yellow?" There was silence in the saloon.
"'Fess up if you dare," shouted the cowboy. With that, the biggest, meanest-looking hombre he had ever seen got up from one of the tables, rested his hands on his gun handles and coolly stated, "I did, whaddaya want to tell me?"
The cowboy looked up and down at this terrifying figure, swallowed hard and replied, "Just thought you'd like to know, the first coat's dry!"
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Newly Weds' Prisoner
The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!
The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!
erection2015
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A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he ordered a birthday cake.
The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said, put "you are getting older but you are getting better".
The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?"
The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "but you are getting better " at the bottom.'
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.
It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"
Don't order cakes by telephone…
So he ordered a birthday cake.
The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said, put "you are getting older but you are getting better".
The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?"
The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "but you are getting better " at the bottom.'
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.
It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"
Don't order cakes by telephone…
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'
Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'
Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'
He whispered back, 'I'm in secret service.'
The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'
Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'
Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'
He whispered back, 'I'm in secret service.'
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Are you serious. Ambulances don't come cheap today. What about the A&E fees of $95 and further sum on medication.
Stay away from ambulances and A&E..
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"
Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"
I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!
I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.
No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!
The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
Q: Do you know why Santa dosen't have any children ??? A: he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney ...
Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"
I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!
I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.
No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!
The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
Q: Do you know why Santa dosen't have any children ??? A: he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney ...
Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN
A Christmas tree is always erect.
Even small ones give satisfaction.
A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
A Christmas tree has cute balls.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
A Christmas tree is always erect.
Even small ones give satisfaction.
A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
A Christmas tree has cute balls.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman
10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"
Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
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