Jokes To Share

[palden]

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."

Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

 

[palden]

did you hear about the santa shaped tampon?
it was for the christmas period only.

 

[palden]

The Coat Hanger

A pastor was at church when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left church and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The pastor looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The pastor thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The pastor hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

 

[palden]

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.
The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past. She asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the pastor.

The husband said, “We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!”

The pastor agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually.

The 8-year-old boy went first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy made no response, so the pastor repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?”

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?”

The younger brother replied, We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!!”

 

[palden]

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.
The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past. She asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the pastor.

The husband said, “We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!”

The pastor agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually.

The 8-year-old boy went first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy made no response, so the pastor repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?”

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?”

The younger brother replied, We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!!”

 

[palden]

he elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills.
******
******He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?"
******
******The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
******
******The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
******
******She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1."

 

[palden]

ne Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
******
******"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
******
******"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service."
******
******Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, "Which one, the 9:00 or 10:30 service?

 

[palden]

his minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
******
******When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
******
******The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
******
******The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
******
******The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!

 

[palden]

preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.
******
******One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
******
******The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
******
******Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

 

[palden]

hree boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
******
******The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
******
******The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 

[palden]

t the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein." Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"
******
******As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.
******
******The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did. The minister asked: "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"
******
******The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."

 

[palden]

ne Sunday morning, the minister told the congregation that he was going to say a series of words, and he wanted them to sing the song that came to mind, when he said each word.
******
******The first word he said was "rock" They immediately started singing "Rock of Ages."
******
******The second word he said was "Blood" and they sang "Power in the Blood."
******
******The third word was "Cross" and they began singing "The Old Rugged Cross."
******
******The fourth word he said was "Sex", everyone gasped and then it got very quiet, then way in the back of the church an 87 yr old lady stood up and started singing "Memories."

 

[palden]

man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God", he said, "how long is a million years?"
******
******God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
******
******The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
******
******God answered, "To Me, it's a penny."
******
******The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
******
******God said, "In a minute."

 

[palden]

middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.
******
******Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.
******
******She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years."
******
******God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

 

[palden]

Sunday school teacher was asking her students some questions after a series of lessons on God's omnipotence. She asked, "Is there anything God can't do?"
******
******All was silent. Finally, one boy held up his hand.
******
******The teacher, on seeing this, was disappointed that they had missed the point of the lesson. She sighed and asked, "Well, what is it you think God can't do?"
******
******The boy replied, "He can't please everybody."

 

[palden]

Bobby: God is so stressed that his sperm count dropped.

Pastor : Why do you say so

Bobby: Well Mary do go for IVF didn't she?

 

[palden]

kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
******
******The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
******
******The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
******
******Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,. . . . "They will in a minute."

 

[palden]

esus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked. One of the crowd responded, "This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!"
******
******"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
******
******Suddenly, a stone was thrown out from the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
******
******"Aw, c'mon, Dad ... " Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

 

[palden]

hildren were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples. It read, "Take only one, God is watching."
******
******Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
******
******One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

 

[palden]

man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."
******
******The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific; the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".
******
******The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
******
******After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"