Jokes To Share

[Windsor]

Penguin

A man is walking down the street and is really horny. He goes to the
first brothel he sees but only has five dollars, so they kick him out.
The man goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars,
he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one
and says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need
a blow-job for 5 dollars!"
The madam there says, "For five dollars, all we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?"
"You'll see."

So, the madam takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom.
He unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."
Soon, a prostitute comes in and starts giving the man a blow job. Just
as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away.

The horny man waddles after her, with his pants at his ankles, shouting,
"HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"

 

[Windsor]

24 Hours To Live!

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?”

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, “Honey, please… just one more time before I die.”

She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to four more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could…”

At this point the wife sits up and says, “Listen Morris, enough is enough; I have to get up in the morning… and you don’t.”

 

[middaydog]

This is rather old but it's always good to read


"A friend of mine got this letter yesterday and shared it with me. I thought you would appreciate hearing about your extended family:

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well though; last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second for four days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. "

 

[Maximilian Chua-Heng]

 

[Windsor]

One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.
Little Johnny says "It’s not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."
The teacher says, "That is correct, but why?"
Little Johnny answers, "I don't know, but my Mom always tells my Dad, "Turn off the light before you put it in my mouth.”

 

[Windsor]

Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for. After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."

 

[Glaringly]

Ah Beng, Ah Seng and Ah Tan was walking along a river bank.

Then Ah Tan notice a char bor sitting untill kar kwee kwee sitting at the opposite bank and tell his kakis, look.

Ah Beng shouted, wah this Ah lian boh wear terkor, can see her cb hair.
Ah Seng take a look and tell Ah Beng, no lah, she is wearing a black panty lah!

Ah Beng insist is pubic hair and bet with Ah Seng 50 bucks. So, they tell Ah Tan to cross the bridge and have a close look.

So, Ah Tan walks over takes a look and return. Ah Beng and Ah Seng gets excited and ask Ah Tan, so, is it cb hair or black laikor?

Nah, says Ah Tan.

Those are flies.

 

[Windsor]

Good one bro....will need a fly swatter when making love.

 

[Windsor]

Fun Facts

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

 

[erection2015]

anyone interested in this printer ? PM me.

 

[Windsor]

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time? Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”. Then we all go to the Bahamas.

 

[Windsor]

Husband: I have a problem at the office.

Wife: After marriage, you don't say I have a problem, say we have a problem.

Husband: Ok, We are expecting a baby from OUR Secretary.

 

[Windsor]

A beautiful girl was giving a pedicure to a man who is also getting a shave at a salon.
The man says "what about a date later?”
"Am married" she replied.
The man said: "so? Call your husband and tell him you are going to visit a girlfriend"
She said "u should tell him yourself, he is shaving you".

 

[Windsor]

Pastor, my dog is dead. Could there be a service for the poor creature?"
Pastor replied, "No, we cannot have service for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road. Maybe...they will do something for the animal".
The man answered "Pastor, but do you think they will accept a donation of US $250,000 in return for the burial service?

Pastor exclaimed, "Sweet Jesus! Why didn't u tell me your dog was a Christian?"

 

[Windsor]

A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, "I love you".

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me... talking to the beer."

 

[Windsor]

A guy was chatting with his friend - I told her: "I might not be rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend John, but I love you and adore you".

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear........ : If you love me introduce me to John.

 

[middaydog]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a
58 year old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She switched on the light and shouted to inner room : 'Mum, you still awake?'

 

[po2wq]

... She switched on the light and shouted to inner room : 'Mum, you still awake?'

so, u had ze bestest lao kway bu tonic? ...

 

[sirus]

A Dog Named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

 

[jw5]

A Dog Named Sex

I've read this joke before but still found it damn funny. Tks. :p