Jokes To Share

[palden]

Student : my mom nearly got murdered by God last nite.

Teacher : what happen?

Student : Heard her screaming ,"stick it in,... Harder, Oh God!" then after sometime screaming, she shouted,"Oh God, I am coming!"

 

[palden]

here was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
******
******The letter read:
******
******Dear God,
******
******I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.
******
******Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
******Can you please help me?
******
******Sincerely,
******Edna
******
******The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
******
******The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
******
******It read:
******
******Dear God,
******
******How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
******
******By the way, there was $4 missing.
******
******I think it must have been those theives at the Post Office.

 

[palden]

hree sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
******
******The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
******
******The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
******
******Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.
******
******"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
******
******"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
******
******"But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"

 

[palden]

young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
******
******After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
******
******The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."
******
******To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

 

[palden]

r. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
******
******"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
******
******"Right."
******
******"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"
******
******"Er--right."
******
******"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
******
******"Again you're right."
******
******"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
******
******"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
******
******"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz allthe grown-ups doin?"

 

[palden]

here was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."
******
******Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."
******
******Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"

 

[palden]

wo old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
******
******The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
******
******"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."
******
******The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

 

[palden]

minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
******
******When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

 

[palden]

8:15 pm est

Acts 2:38
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"

 

[palden]

The Horse
A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen". The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride.

When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen".

He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord".

The horse started going toward the edge of the cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!". Then he remembered and said, "Amen", so the horse stopped at the edge. The preacher was so relieved that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"

 

[palden]

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters - a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and demands to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important than a lawyer!"

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

 

[palden]

Was Jonah Really Swallowed By A Whale?

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After a while he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied "Of course I do because it is the Bible, and I beleive the Bible is the inspired word of God."

He said "Well ...*what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes! I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know ... *I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

 

[palden]

A*Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute.* Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give the reverend the dog."

 

[palden]

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history ...

 

[palden]

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Kong Hee were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen.* Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.

"Pete, Lu.* Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Kong Hee has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

 

[palden]

A man is walking through the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front the little girl's screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the man returns her to her terrified parents.

A reporter has seen the whole scene and says to the rescuer: 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

'Why, it was nothing,' said the man. 'Really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lions den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.'

'I noticed a bible in your pocket. Are you a Republican,' asked the journalist.

'Yes, and I'm a Christian on my way to a bible study,' the man replies.

'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed... I'm a journalist and tomorrow's paper will have this on the front page. The journalist leaves.

The following morning the man buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on first page: "Right Wing Republican Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch."

 

[palden]

"Once upon a time there was an atheist. He was sitting on the lake, in his boat, when all of a sudden the lochness monster surfaced and tried to eat him. The atheist cried out, "Oh lord save me!" Then the lord said, "Wait, I thought you didn't believe in me?" To which the atheist replied, "Well, two minutes ago I didn't believe in the lochness monster either..."

 

[palden]

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, “For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

 

[palden]

A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the “uppity”. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”
The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, “Did you get a different answer?”
The man replied, “Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don’t want me in that church and the Lord said, ‘Don’t worry about it son; I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and haven’t made it yet.”

 

[palden]

I Don't Want To Go To Church!

A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, "I'm not going!"

"Why not?" asked his mother.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me. Two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you're 47 years old. Two, you're the pastor!"