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4 OPTIONS WHEN THE CULTURE MOCKS AND OPPOSES YOUR FAITH: A Study in 1 Peter​





Like so many college students who are weary of being mocked by their professors for being Bible-believing Christians and getting their grades reduced, husbands who are mocked by their buddies for not looking at porn or partying with their coworkers after work, wives who forego a professional career to stay at home to be a wife and mother, virgin singles who are the punchline of jokes at the gym for waiting until marriage to have sex, and net surfers who can’t stomach one more nasty blog or negative news story about their faith and church, the resolve of those who first received 1 Peter was tried. Various people were pulled in a variety of directions:


  1. Some were enticed by the liberal route of compromise to not eliminate their Bible as much as edit it. They wanted to cut out—or at least explain away—the parts of the Bible that they were being criticized for believing. In our day, this would be most typified by the mainline liberal Christian denominations with pastors who endorse all religions and spiritualities and officiate marriages between any genders, under the oversight of unsaved bishops who appreciate their tolerance, pluralism, and minds so open that their brains fall out. This is one of the central issues at the heart of 2 Peter
  2. Some were compelled to privatize their faith. Sure, in private they would pray to and worship Jesus. But in public they would shut their mouths and keep their faith to themselves so as to not be considered the weirdo for Jesus. Some were closet Christians.
  3. Some were considering abandoning their faith altogether. They were tired of being the butt of jokes in the press and on the late-night talk shows and wearied of being the laughingstock Jesus Freaks. Why? Because most people simply do not like being the oddball, misfit, and outcast—especially those who are young and want to be cool and those who are old with privileged social positions to uphold and lifestyles to fund. Our day is like theirs. Carrying a Bible around is about as socially acceptable as walking around with your underwear outside your pants.
  4. Still others were attracted to the fighting posture of religious fundamentalism. They were preparing to separate from the culture, set up their own subculture, defend themselves, and talk trash about the non- Christians who were criticizing them, all in the name of a culture war. In the fight or flight cycle, these are the fighters who declare Jihad for Jesus.


If any of these four options were chosen by the churches Peter writes to, it would have simply died in one way or another. The work of Jesus would have stopped in that region and so Peter had to help them navigate living their faith in a hostile culture. So, Peter opens by calling Christians “elect exiles”. Elect meant they were chosen by God. Exiles meant they were far away from their Heavenly Home.

Sent as missionaries, although hated by the culture, they were to bring the culture of Heaven to lost people in hopes that love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness would see people saved and culture changed. Our mission and message remain the same. Peter’s constant message through 1 Peter is that Christians should expect to get treated like Christ, and by the power of the Holy Spirit respond with the loving humble courage of Christ so that they see Christ through us without us getting in the way.
 

Experiencing Peace Amidst OVERWHELMING Anxiety​





EXPERIENCING PEACE AMDIST OVERWHELMING ANXIETY

Are you tired emotionally? Is your peace short lived due to the overwhelming nature of your life right now? What if I told you there is a cosmic spiritual war going on right now around you that is impacting you inwardly, would you believe me?

We’re not the first to enter this cosmic battle!

The Apostle Paul can relate.

He lived part of his life in a prison cell. I can’t imagine how emotionally exhausting this season of his life must have been. Yet, he found strength in the Lord and he experienced hope, encouragement, and peace in spite of the circumstances that surrounded him.



It is possible to experience peace amidst overwhelming anxiety. Paul shows us in Philippians 3:12 what to do…Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.

What is “this” Paul is referring to? He is referring to the resurrection from the dead. He wants to live again. Don’t we all? He wants to live forever with God.

In this world of social media and short-sided emotions and visions, I find that our world is losing its eternal perspective in every way. We find ourselves living for just today and though it is important to live in the moment, it is equally important to live for our eternity.

Paul wants the world to know he has not yet attained what He wants most. How about you? He has not already received all he longs for nor has he been brought to that perfect completeness to which he has aspired.

Paul has two aspirations in life. He wants to be perfect and eternal.

I do too.

How about you? What do you want out of this life? Are you pressing into that?

If you are not growing toward Christ, you are declining in your faith for Christ and your peace with Christ.



If you are declining in your faith for Christ, you will feel it in the peace you don’t feel in your life.

Paul tells us in Philippians 3:13-14 we have to forget what lies behind us and strain forward to what lies ahead. We have to press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Are you pressing into God’s calling on your life or have you given up?

Recently I was in a meeting with the elders of the church I pastor, I had asked them to pray about me doing something God has asked me to do that would be difficult, challenging, and the anxiety of following through was overwhelming. They asked me why I felt I needed to do what I was requesting they bless me to do, my response, “I believe this is who God has asked me to be and do.”

What difficult thing is God asking you to be and do? Are you willing to press into God’s calling on your life or will you fall back?
The most fearful thing I have ever done in my life is write and publish The Mystery of 23: God Speaks book. It has been a painful and scary endeavor.
But what we do for God matters and, in the end, it is all that matters.


If you do what God is calling you to be and do, every day, regardless of how difficult it may be, it is moving you closer to your goal of perfection, perfect peace, and eternity with Jesus.
What does it take to think and live like this? Paul tells us in Philippians 3:15 that those of us who are mature should think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.
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It takes maturity in your thinking. How do you know if you are mature in your thinking? Paul tells us in Philippians 3:16 that mature people in the faith hold true to what we have attained.
Mature people see what they have attained through the difficult sacrifices of their faith and life.
Maybe you need to remind yourself of what you have already attained.

Take inventory of the good in your life that God has done already through you because of your willingness to be obedient to Him. As you do this, Paul tells us in Philippians 3:17 to keep our eyes on those who walk according to Christ’s example.
Who is this in your life? You won’t go the distance without other faithful examples in your life to encourage you in that direction. It is too easy to fix our eyes on the things of this world and chase after them. Paul tells us in Philippians 3:19 destruction to our faith comes when we set our minds on earthly things. Maybe it is time for you to adjust your mindset. What are you afraid of losing if you do what God asks you to do? Take your eyes off the earthly things and obey. You won’t regret it!


You and I have to take our minds off our circumstances, expenses, challenges, and things to place it on the place we ultimately plan to be. In Philippians 3:20 Paul says, “But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.

What is filling you with anxiety right now? Put your focus back on heaven. Live knowing you are waiting for a Savior to rescue you, a Savior who has the power and is able to subject all things you are going through to himself. Don’t forget, God’s got you and God’s got it. Whatever “it” might be. He is sovereign over every detail and circumstance in your life.

Your circumstances are not outside of God’s purview. He sees it all and He will use it all to transform your lowly body into an eternally perfect creation. God is making all things new. On that day when we meet Him face to face, He will give us the reward, the goal, the prize of the upward calling that is found in Christ Jesus. Our perfection and our eternity will all be realized at the time when we see Him and our loved ones face to face.
Peace comes amidst overwhelming anxiety when we take our eyes off the earthly circumstances and put them on the eternal things. Your destination awaits you, live with your eyes fixed on it, and the overwhelming anxiety you feel will give way to the peace of God that passes all understanding.

Blessings,
Pastor Kelly
 

2 Mistakes We Make That Create Loneliness​






There’s a certain amount of pride that goes along with doing things on your own, isn’t there? Think about those curtains you hung by yourself. Or that gourmet recipe you mastered. Or that presentation you put together that knocked the socks off your boss. Isn’t an independent spirit something we admire in others and work to achieve in ourselves? Well, yes, many of us do work toward being seen as independent in many aspects: but it can also be one of the main reasons we have so much stress in our lives!


In my Life Ready Woman book and Bible study, I’ve heard from a lot of women who feel completely burned out and weary. And as I listen to their stories I see the same theme: we’re trying to do life on our own! Without even realizing it, we can end up being isolated or lonely—even if we do not think of ourselves that way! We have to do a radical rethink. Most likely, the last thing you want is to be isolated!
Here are 2 very common mistakes we make that create loneliness and how to reverse it:

Mistake #1: Demonstrating Apathy About Building Community

We are all busy. I have two active teenagers, a hardworking husband, and I am always running around the country on speaking engagements. I’m full up! What suffers? Getting together with friends; prioritizing our church Connect Group. “Sorry, we weren’t able to be there tonight . . . or last week . . . or the month before that . . .”



But we were not created to do life alone. After all, according to the Genesis account describing the formation of mankind, God looked at all of his creation and said “It is good” with one exception. It was absolutely not good for man to be alone. So, God made someone with whom he could do life. Then, in the first recorded small group, he himself walked in the garden with the man and his wife.

Scientists have found that when we don’t do life with others, we are at higher risk of everything from depression to cancer. Multiple times in the Bible, God stresses that he designed us to love and support each other. We are directed to live in community with other followers of Christ. That means we have to prioritize community and work everything else around it if at all possible!

Mistake #2: Not Asking For Help

Community doesn’t have to mean always being in harmony. It simply means sharing life together—not just offering support but asking for it when it is needed. It also means treating your community as if they are true family.

When I was living in Boston, a pastor shared a story about good friends who had moved to California. One night at 3:00 am, the pastor and his wife were awakened with an urgent phone call from their friends asking for prayer. Raging wildfires were threatening their home and community. From their window they could see the glow of thousands of acres burning—the fire was advancing quickly as they raced to evacuate their home. The pastor and his wife got out of their bed and knelt on the cold floor, praying urgently for an hour for the protection of their friends, their home, and everyone in the area.



In the end, although the fire consumed thousands of acres and several neighborhoods, the broader community—and their friends’ house—was spared.

The homeowner called the pastor and thanked him profusely for being a true friend. The pastor answered, “No. Thank you. You were the one being a true friend. You thought enough of our friendship that you were willing to wake us up in the middle of the night to ask us to pray. You were good enough friends that you were willing to ‘inconvenience’ us.”

The Fix? Open Yourself To Community

Are you good enough friends with someone that you are willing to “inconvenience” them with your struggles?
So often, we can see the fires of financial crisis, health issues or kids’ rebellion on the horizon. We pray and pray. God wants us to call on Him, of course! But God has also created community for us to call on—even in the middle of the night. That is what God has designed for you.



If you do not have a community of people like that around you, decide that this week is the week you will start to make that a reality. It has to be authentic and it probably won’t happen immediately. So start inviting others over for dinner. Make friends. Be vulnerable. And be willing to not just offer help but to ask for it as well. In the end, your willingness to become more community-focused will be a blessing for you and those around you!
 

What Everyone Must Know About BEING SINGLE​





Some people excel at being SINGLE and some don’t. So what is the difference? The first thing is to understand and accept that it is OK to be single. Second, we must be aware of the advantages of being single and how one should live in light of these advantages. I want to get into some of the practicalities of what a single person should be doing. Now I realize that there are some who choose the single life and others who have it thrust upon them but they are not looking to remain that way.


Let’s discuss both of these. First, what do you do when you are single because you want it that way.

Single by Choice​

Seeing some of the advantages of singleness, the reduced responsibilities of being married, there are some who will choose to be single. Maybe you are thinking right now, That is a choice I want to make with seemingly no responsibility. However, let me warn you that singleness is not a license to be selfish.
No matter where you are in life, single by choice or not, married with kids, etc, none of us are called to be self focused. We are all called to be godly, to be holy.
1 Peter 1:15-16
15 But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; 16 for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”
Being single doesn’t mean you have NO responsibilities. Everyone has responsibilities toward God. You just don’t have some of the relational responsibilities that a married person would have. But you still have responsibilities to be holy in what ever situation you find yourself in.

The Responsibilities of Being Single​

So what are the responsibilities that a single person would have? Well, one of the responsibilities is to refrain from sexual intimacy. Maybe you are thinking “Hey, wait a minute, I have needs and desires that God has put inside of me.”
God knows that and the outlet that he has given for those very real and normal needs and desires is marriage between a man and a woman. But to choose to remain single means to choose to forgo and subdue those urges. Paul says if you can’t control those passions, if those passions are consuming too much of your mind and energies to control, then it would be better to marry.
1 Corinthians 7:9
9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.


So if you choose to remain single, you choose to sacrifice sexual intimacy. Besides the responsibility of refraining from Sexual intimacy, there are other responsibilities that come along with choosing to be single while being a Christian.
And it is because of the reduced responsibilities toward others in terms of our time and finances that we have a greater responsibility to God with those things. So one should use ones increased time availability to grow.

Grow in the Lord​

THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
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18 But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.


Now this verse isn’t just for single people, but for everyone. But singles can use the increased time they have available to grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord. You will have more time than a married person to be studying the word on your own, to be involved in a small group Bible study, and to be devoting yourself to prayer and meditation.
Through the increased time you have available, you can grow stronger in the Lord. And the reason that you want to grow in the grace and wisdom and knowledge of the Lord is so you can better serve.

Serve the Lord​

1 Peter 4:10
10 Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms
By serving others we serve the Lord. This is why God has given us all that we have. He gives us gifts to serve others. He gives us time to serve. We need to be wise stewards of our gifts and our time. Those who have less time responsibilities in some areas should serve more in others. Not having a wife and kids means you can decide to do things based on what happens to be going on in your life alone, not on yours, your spouses and your kids.
Now if you are single by choice and a Christian, this should be your primary focus for you life. Paul says that there are some who should consider not marrying and he gives those reasons for it and concludes with these words:
1 Corinthians 7:35
35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.


If you are a Christian and choosing to remain single, you are choosing to live Singly focused upon the Lord. Serve Him by serving others. But what if you are single and are not really choosing that for yourself? What do you do when you are single because of something other than your own choosing?

Single by Circumstance​

Maybe you want to get married and you just have not yet met that right person. It may be that you are just not ready for the responsibilities of marriage yet. What do you do then?
Well, first remember that God is sovereign, meaning that He is in control of things. It is not some mistake that you are where you are. That being said, I want to give you some advice that will help you live well in the meantime and be able to be used greatly by the Lord.

Pray for Purity​

First of all, pray for purity. Like I said at the beginning of this post, God has reserved sexual intimacy for marriage between a man and a woman. Physical intimacy outside of our marriage is either adultery for someone who is already married or fornication for someone who is not married. And they are both sin. It is within the bonds of marriage that sexual intimacy is to be experienced.
Hebrews 13:4
4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.


So while you desire and are looking forward to marriage, you need to be praying for your purity. And what you are praying for is really the strength to remain pure. We live in a difficult culture. Television shows, Billboards, Movies, and Commercials all seem to include sexual overtones that get our minds focused on sex.

Watch and Pray​

That is why we need strength and help from the Lord to be pure and holy. Because Jesus recognized his disciples weaknesses, he told them in the final hours of his life, while he was praying to…
THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
" target="_blank" style="box-sizing: inherit; background-color: transparent; color: rgb(23, 121, 186); text-decoration: none; font-weight: bold; transition: all 0.4s ease-in-out 0s; border-bottom: none; line-height: inherit; cursor: help; position: relative; display: inline-block;">Matthew 26:41

41 “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”


We need to be praying because our flesh is weak especially in areas that we are constantly bombarded with temptations. But if God commands it, He will enable you to do it.
“Single through no fault or choice of my own, I am unable to express my sexuality in the beauty and intimacy of Christian marriage, as God intended…To seek to do this outside of marriage is, by the clear teaching of Scripture, to sin against God and my own nature. I have no alternative but to live a life of voluntary celibacy…chaste not only in body, but in mind and spirit…I want to go on record as having proved that for those who are committed to do God’s will, His commands are His enablings.”
Margaret Clarkson in Homemade, Dec. 1989
So be praying for purity. Another piece of advice for you when you are single by circumstance is to wait for the wedding.

Wait for the Wedding​

That is everyone’s favorite word. Wait. Nobody likes to wait. But when you rush things that have life long effects, that is when problems arise that you would not have to deal with otherwise. Don’t be so eager to be married that you throw out some of the guidelines God has given us concerning marriage.

Don’t Marry a Non Christian.​

For instance, if you are a Christian, God says don’t marry a non-Christian.
2 Corinthians 6:14
14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
" target="_blank" style="box-sizing: inherit; background-color: transparent; color: rgb(23, 121, 186); text-decoration: none; font-weight: bold; transition: all 0.4s ease-in-out 0s; border-bottom: none; line-height: inherit; cursor: help; position: relative; display: inline-block;">2 Corinthians 6:14

Do not be bound together with unbelievers;


Single people, this is not something God has said to us to limit our joy, but to increase our enjoyment of life. When, as a Christian, you marry someone who is not a Christian, it typically ends up that the Christian is drawn away from the Lord and drawn away from walking with Him. You won’t lose your salvation, but you will end up losing your joy in the Lord. You won’t be able to have that abundant life that Christ came to give.

What about Dating?​

So what does this mean for your dating relationships? Well, it means that you should not date anyone who is a non-Christian. Why is that? Because you shouldn’t date anyone that you know up front you couldn’t marry.
Emotions are not something to be played with. You may enter into a relationship with someone who is not a Christian with no intention of getting serious, but then your emotions get involved and it starts to get more complicated.

The best thing to do is not even enter into a relationship with someone who is a non-Christian. And furthermore, you are going to want to think twice about entering into a relationship with someone who says they are a Christian but does not live as one. Jesus said you will know His disciples by their fruit. It is not that someone will be perfect, but they will be striving.


Be looking for that a spouse that is committed to striving to follow the Lord and pursuing that in their life. That is where you will be finding a mate that will be bringing joy and not hardship into your future.
Finally, for the Christian who is single by circumstance, you too need to serve God.

Serve the Savior​

Just as the Single who chooses to remain that way, God has gifted you and given you time right now. You do not need to be spending all of your time finding Mr. or Mrs. Right. As you are praying and waiting, you need to be serving. God is faithful to provide for us. Let God work and trust Him in His work in your life. It is hard sometimes, but realize that God’s timing is not always our timing.

God does not just want us sitting home praying and waiting for Mr. or Mrs. Right to call. He wants us to wait on Him actively, by serving Him and His church. Get involved in serving. Singles, there are many things you can do. Take on mentoring some of the younger kids. Look for how you might be able to impact someone’s life.
God has given you gifts to be honed and used. Use them by serving Him and His church.


Now go… and be godly!
 

7 Signs of Healthy Conflict​





It may seem obvious to view conflict as a negative entity. We don’t like the emotions that come with disagreement. But the truth is, conflict is neutral. In and of itself, it is neither positive nor negative. It is the way we approach, handle, and resolve conflict that determines whether it becomes a bad thing or a good thing. Like most things, it is our choices that determine the value of conflict.
As such, there are two kinds of conflict. Healthy and unhealthy. One adds value to relationships. It isn’t just something to endure, let alone lament. It is a tool for strengthening intimacy. The other is a poison. Here are 7 signs you are on the right side of the health of conflict.




1) Define “Win”

Conflict, by definition is two (or more) people on opposing sides of an issue. If you define “winning” by destroying, conquering, and overcoming the other side, you are in a dangerous place. If you define “winning” as sharing truth, honesty, and coming to a mutual understanding, you’re on your way to health. The vision for conflict is vital. It determines our aim. If we are aiming to destroy one another, we will. If we are aiming for health and unity, conflict will be a tool that aids us. Our conflict will be determined by our intention.

2) Heart Of The Matter

So often, we erupt in conflict over trivial things. We hide the true issues behind superficial ones. We yell because our spouse forgot to fold the towels without realizing the true meaning behind our hurt – their actions make us feel like they are taking us for granted. The problem is that we want our conflict to be about facts. It help makes us right. It helps ensure we win. It is ammo. But conflict is almost always about perspective. If we can be honest about what we’re talking about, we can engage in conflict honestly.



3) Safe

Home plate for conflict is the feeling of safety within a relationship. If you do not trust your partner, if you do not feel safe being honest with someone, you’ve struck out before taking a swing. The grounding reality that you are on the same team with whoever you are in conflict with is the gravity that keeps our feet on the ground. If we don’t feel safe, we won’t share anything but defense mechanisms and weapons of either the aggressive or passive-aggressive variety.

4) Un-Avoided

One sign of healthy conflict is conflict. The reality is that people disagree. Their expectations are different and each, in their time, are unmet. Conflict is engaging in a discussion about those differences to the affect of mutual understanding. Just because you are not talking about issues doesn’t mean your avoiding conflict. You’re just avoiding healthy conflict. Refusing to engage directly in conflict sparks things like gossip and depression. We fight the battles, but not on the proper battlefield. Healthy conflict does not shy away from itself.





5) Eager To Forgive



Forgiveness is the cousin of safety. If you’re on the same team with someone, you are looking to forgive. I’ve seen this time and again in our marriage. If I do something to hurt my wife, I can see her desperately wanting to forgive me. It’s in her eyes even when she is yelling at me. She loves me. She just needs to express herself, comprehend my perspective, and recalibrate to our vision. The opposite of this is an eagerness to destroy.



6) Honest And True

Healthy conflict doesn’t pull any punches. It is the whole truth, nothing but the truth. So help you. The only way we get to truth is through honesty. It sounds counterintuitive, but acknowledging our faults and expressing the imperfectly raw reality of our feelings helps bring us closer to mutual understanding. Plus, so much of conflict comes from our deep desire to be seen and heard. We don’t have to agree to resolve conflict. Unity is not conformity. Honesty is not always truth, but is a necessary step in the right direction.





7) Emotion-Tamer

Emotions are a tricky business. And our emotions are never higher than when in conflict. If done in the right way, we handle our emotions properly. We express them without worshipping them. We give them their due without giving them the reigns. Emotions have their place. They alert us of a need for conflict (because a value is being triggered and/or an expectation unmet). Once we acknowledge the alert, it is time to other resources.
 

Here Are 4 Key Things Sons Need From Their Fathers​






A few years ago, I participated in an Oprah Life Class with Oprah and Iyanla Vanzant. (You can see a clip of the show here.) The goal of the show was to address the troubling epidemic of sons growing up without their fathers. As support for the show, I was asked to write an article about what sons need from their fathers. Below is what I wrote:


__________________________________________________________________________
I am often asked what sons need from their fathers. My answer really boils down to a few simple but critical things that every good dad must do, built on a framework of providing, nurturing and guiding. But here’s the problem: Too often, fathers think they’re doing a better job in these areas than they really are. I’ve found that these four questions below can help a father ensure he’s giving his son the fundamental things he needs. (And if a child’s father is not in the picture, his mother can use these questions as a guide to help her find male role models who can give her son these kinds of affirmation.)

“Does my son know that he matters to me?”
We invest—money, time and energy—in the things we care about. In other words, if you ever want to know what someone cares about, look at their bank statement or ask them how they spent their time. The primary way that dads can help their boys understand that they matter is by making them a priority over the myriad demands that life throws at us. With many things competing for a dad’s money, time and energy—our jobs, technology, entertainment, sports, television—it is easy for a child to think that he doesn’t matter. It is critical that dads make it clear to their sons that they are a priority and that their most important investment is in them.


“Does my son know that I love him?”
Nurturing means a lot of things. It certainly includes hugging and kissing our boys—yes, even boys need hugs and kisses—on a daily basis and telling them that we love them. But it also includes taking care of their daily needs, like cooking for them, giving them baths, playing with them, reading to them and helping their mothers.
And I have discovered that despite the conventional wisdom that nurturing is primarily mom’s territory, the root meaning of “nurture” is “to protect,” a role that most dads are comfortable with.

“Does my son know that what he does is important to me?”
A son wants to know that the way he is living his life—his interests, schoolwork, hobbies and passions—is pleasing to his father. And, as a good dad, it is critical for a father to guide his son into the right actions and help him live a life centered on serving others. However, you can’t expect to teach a son the value of charity if you are not charitable in how you spend time with him. You can’t expect to get him interested in your church’s community-service project if you haven’t established a “community” that includes him in your home. So, show him that everything he does is important to you, and then you can show him what is really important—and he will welcome it.


“Does my son know how proud I am of him?”
This boils down to a son’s innate need to be affirmed by his father. Your affirmation prepares your son to enter the world with the confidence and “emotional armor” that he needs in order not just to survive, but to thrive. A son needs to know that you are pleased with him, not just for what he does or does not do, but because of who he is. Your love for him is about is “being,” not just his “doing.”

And remember that the way a father affirms his son depends on things like his culture and community and his son’s temperament and interests. The objective of affirmation is to meet a son at his particular point of need and to connect with him—heart to heart. Indeed, there is no cookie-cutter approach to affirmation. One boy may simply need an encouraging word at the right time. A special breakfast out with dad may be what another son needs. A formal ceremony or rite of passage might fit certain cultures and situations. But what all of these acts of affirmation, big and small, communicate to your son is that you are his advocate and that your love is abiding and unconditional.
 

A Lesson from Isaiah on the Sovereignty of God in Evangelism​





I have the firm belief that every single genuine Christian has the desire to preach the gospel. They want to be found faithful to the Great Commission, and a very large part of that is simply because God has placed this burden on the hearts of His people. How can one who has genuinely experienced the grace of God in their life not desire others to experience that same grace? I just don’t believe that’s possible, and yet when you talk to Christians about sharing their faith, you find that many of them haven’t spoken to an unbeliever about the gospel in some time. If you ask them how many have given the explicit gospel, that number grows increasingly smaller.


Many reasons come up as to why it doesn’t happen, but the reason, according to Scripture, is that the laborers are few (Matt. 9:37-38). It is not that the harvest isn’t plentiful and ready (Jn. 4:35); it is not for a lack of a call for Christians to be laborers and to take part in the harvest (Matt. 28:16-20); it is not out of want of the Lord to prepare the elect to receive the gospel. There may be underlying motivations as to why the laborers are few, but nonetheless, the issue is in essence, a disobedience to the call to bring the gospel to unbelievers. When I discuss with people why they don’t evangelize though, there are a few reoccurring reasons that come up time and again.

One of which is simply that they don’t know how to do it. They want to be faithful; they want to bring the gospel to their friends and family, yet every time they try, they end up with their foot in their mouth out of sheer awkwardness. We can debate on whether or not the use of specific tactics in evangelism are helpful, but that’s not really the point of this post. I can understand and sympathize with these people simply because at the heart of the issue, they just want to know how to turn a conversation toward the gospel, and to do that well.

The number one reason why people don’t evangelize is not owing to lack of the “how-to’s” though, but fear. Whether that fear manifests itself in rejection, the loss of that relationship, their own ability, or something else, it all boils down to fear. I can easily look at someone and tell them that they ought not to fear man, but most often, people already know this. In some cases, people need to hear this, but in others, I sense there is simply a deficiency in understanding that there is a twofold purpose to evangelism. What results from this is a set of expectations that don’t align with those purposes, and often, reality itself. What I mean by this is that people often go into the task of evangelism with a host of assumptions, all surrounding the idea that they are responsible for the outcome in some capacity or another. When the outcome is negative, they sense this as a failure, and that colors every attempt at evangelism thereafter because they are afraid to fail again.

I recognize though that behind the fear of rejection is the fear of losing relationships that people hold dearly. This is not an unfounded fear. I’ve witnessed it firsthand, and lost many friendships myself as a result, some rather quickly, whilst others faded over time. There is a real cost associated with seeking to be found faithful—but let me ask: is keeping the friendship worth the price of their eternal damnation? Surely, you may lose your friendship and not see them ever come to faith, but you also may lose your friend now only to find him as your brother in eternity.

You have a guarantee though to see that person perish in eternal fire if you withhold the gospel from them, unless God is pleased to save them through someone else’s faithfulness. My simple question to you is why you wouldn’t want to be part of that process, if God is pleased to use you as the vehicle to bring the gospel to your friend.

“If sinners will be damned, at least let them leap to Hell over our bodies. And if they will perish, let them perish with our arms about their knees, imploring them to stay. If Hell must be filled, at least let it be filled in the teeth of our exertions, and let not one go there unwarned and unprayed for.” Charles Spurgeon


If we go into the duty of evangelism with the expectation that it will not be received by many, this might help us reconcile with the prospect of rejection. In one sense then, it means we must take God at His Word when He says there are many who will go through the wide gate that leads to destruction (Matt. 7:13). We likewise ought to reconcile with the notion that there are different responses people have to hearing the Word of God, just like the Parable of the Sowers maintains. We don’t know whether or not the person we bring the gospel to will accept it or reject it, but we do know that nonetheless, God is presently at work in either case. This should be the comfort to the one who evangelizes, namely, because it removes the evangelist from the seat of power, and therefore, places the onus on God to save through the power of the gospel itself rather than the messenger.

Likewise, if we go into evangelism understanding that in some cases, God actually uses the proclamation of truth as a means to close one’s mind from repentance, we can guard our hearts by recognizing that God ordains whatsoever comes to pass. What that means with respect to evangelism is that sometimes, the preaching of the gospel actually serves as the means through which an individual’s heart is hardened against God. In other words, not every instance of proclaiming a message of repentance is designed by God to bring the people who hear it to repentance and faith. In fact, Scripture often demonstrates the opposite is true—that the proclamation serves to condemn the recipients rather than restore. A great example of this is found in the commissioning of the prophet Isaiah:

8Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?”
Then I said, “Here am I. Send me!”
9He said, “Go, and tell this people: Keep on listening, but do not perceive; keep on looking, but do not understand. 10Render the hearts of this people insensitive, their ears dull, and their eyes dim, otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts, and return and be healed.”
11Then I said, “Lord, how long?” and He answered, “Until cities are devastated and without inhabitant, houses are without people and the land is utterly desolate, 12the Lord has removed men far away, and the forsaken places are many in the midst of the land. 13Yet there will be a tenth portion in it, and it will again be subject to burning, like a terebinth or an oak whose stump remains when it is felled. The holy seed is its stump” (Is. 6:8-13).


Many tend to focus on Isaiah’s answer to the commission, but the focus of the passages itself is on the content of the commission, which is fleshed out in vv. 9-12. The Hebrew denotes the continuing nature of the commands to be given to the people in v. 9, yet also the subsequent result. The Israelites will be commanded by the prophet to continually be in a state of listening, but they will never come to understanding; they are to be continually in a state of seeking out understanding, but they will never come to an understanding.

They are to constantly seek after God—yet they will not find Him. In other words, they will be given an impossible task and the preaching of the prophet himself will only solidify this reality. In v. 10 the prophet is actually commanded—the imperative form of the verbs is used here—to render their hearts insensitive (lit. fat), their ears dull (lit. heavy), and their eyes dim (lit. pasted shut). As Brevard Childs puts it, “The prophet is to be the executor of death, the guarantor of complete hardening. His very proclamation is to ensure that Israel will not turn and repent.”[1]


Notice the prophet doesn’t ask any questions concerning the fairness of God’s edict in v. 11, but rather the duration for which he is to heed this commission. The answer, of course, is devastating. The prophet’s work of preaching a message that will only harden the hearts of his people will not be completed until the Lord has rendered the capital cities desolate and carried the Israelites away to captivity. While I do not agree with Childs and G.K. Beale on their commentary regarding v. 13[2], in that I do see it as dealing with a remnant that will be re-established at a later point in redemptive history, the scope of this blog post is not going to deal with those implications for now.

Rather, what I want to draw attention to is the fact that this passage plainly suggests the purpose and result of the prophet’s commission is to be an agent God uses to harden the hearts of those who hear him. In other words, his message, though one riddled with calls to repentance and faith in Yahweh and a future restoration of the nation, will never be heeded by the people because it only serves to intensify their immediate judgment. The promise of v. 13 still carries with it the tones of judgment simply because like their fathers before them who died off in the desert, they will die off in captivity. Thus, even this promise serves as a means of hardening their hearts against the Lord.


This theme comes up time and again throughout not only throughout the book of Isaiah, but the other prophets as well, and likewise, in the New Testament. The prophets Ezekiel and Jeremiah are called to a similar path as Isaiah, where they will preach a message of judgment and salvation, yet they will not be heeded (Ez. 2:7; Jer. 7:27). Christ Himself taught in parables for the express purpose of concealing the truth of the Kingdom of God, lest those whom it was not granted to would hear and repent (Matt. 13:10-16; Mk. 4:10-12; Lk. 8:9-10).

The apostle Paul even picks this idea up when he speaks of God giving mankind up to the lusts of their hearts, dishonorable passions, and a debased mind (Rom. 1:18-32). When you look through the entirety of the Old and New Testaments, what is plainly seen is that God is at work to harden the hearts of whom He desires, which is most clearly expressed in Rom. 9:6-29. In every instance where the edict is rendered a “lost-cause” against the recipients of the message, the truth of God has been made self-evident so that man is without excuse.

None of this is a matter of controversy in Scripture. Instead, election and reprobation are simply part of the cosmic reality of judgment and salvation unfolding before us as the plan of God is revealed. In the midst of this, Scripture unabashedly upholds the tension between God’s sovereignty and man’s responsibility without much qualification. The important thing to note in all of this is that it is not as if those under this severe indictment from the Lord are under it without cause. In every instance, the people have either forsaken the covenant or rejected their Creator willingly. The commission of Isaiah serves to show us this reality quite clearly, in that chapters 2-5 give clear evidence that the people plainly rejected the terms of their covenant with God, and as a result, He would send the prophet to seal their fate.


To put it in as blunt of terms as I can: there was no hope for their escape of judgment, as God made it an impossibility for them to hear the words of His prophet and repent. The fullness of the consequences had come upon that generation, showing the patience of the Lord had long been extinguished. The only thing one is left to conclude then from the call given to Isaiah is that his words would not serve to be a message of hope; his words we be to go to this people and tell them, “I have been given a command by Yahweh to preach in such a manner that your hearts become hardened, your ears become blocked, and your eyes become darkened.”

What all of this means for the church then is that we are simply to be found faithful to the task of heralding God’s message. We are to bring the gospel to the ends of the earth, which for most people, means you are to bring the gospel into your workplaces, friendships, families, and so forth. All that is required of you is to look to where God has placed you currently and simply be found faithful to the task of proclaiming the good news to those who are dead in their sins. It requires that we not be ashamed of the good news of the gospel, which includes not being ashamed of the bad news of God’s judgment against sin.

Whatever the result of that proclamation of the gospel may be, whether a hardening or a softening of the heart, God effectually uses this message for His purposes. We may not necessarily like the implications of God using our proclamation of judgment and salvation to effectively harden an individual’s heart. We may not believe the implications of this are even fair—but we ought to remember in the midst of everything that we don’t want fair, because our idea of what’s fair doesn’t square with God’s.


What’s fair is God condemning every man, woman, and child to an eternity in Hell. What’s fair is that the only blameless One to have ever existed would not be put to the cross to pay for the sins of others. What you and I desire is mercy and grace, because mercy is not giving people what they deserve, which is condemnation, and grace is giving people what they don’t deserve, which is no condemnation.

The gospel is a scandal to the world because it sees the murderer, rapist, racist, and the like, on equal footing with the sweet old lady who doesn’t confess Christ—and offers them all the same grace of God in Christ. What that very simply means is that the gospel is not barred from anyone on the basis of their own doing or choosing, but rather, on the sovereign choice of God Himself. If those who struggle with evangelizing were to focus on the sovereignty of God in evangelism, it would free many a burdened soul up to take joy in the work that God has given them, realizing that whether the person they share the gospel with rejects or receives it, God is glorified in accomplishing His work through the preached word.
 

Heard God Through Others?​

[ 1 min read ★ ]

The Spirit of the Lord speaks by me;
his word is on my tongue—2 Samuel 23:2

God speaks through his people. He empowers us as agents to carry his messages—as Ananias did to Saul, as Cornelius did to Peter (and Peter did back to Cornelius). This method, human agency, is the second of God’s two preferred methods of communicating with us. Examples of it abound in Scripture. And, of course, Scripture itself is an example: the Biblical authors were his agents in communicating his precious words to us.

How does it work? Well, while God uses his still, small voice to reach us directly, speaking into our minds, originating thoughts there instantly, he uses that very same voice to also reach us indirectly—that is, by speaking directly into the minds of others, directing a few of their thoughts, and then allowing them to use their spoken or written words to take his messages the rest of the way, to us. It may be that one of us, one in need of hearing from God, isn’t used to hearing from him, or doesn’t recognize his voice or just isn’t listening . . . or maybe doesn’t want to listen. Whatever the reason, it’s clear that God uses people who are listening and do want to hear to reach others who need to hear. It could be the inspired words of a pastor in the pulpit or the encouraging words of a friend at a coffee shop or the challenging words of brothers in a men’s group . . . or any one of many, many other possibilities.

Okay, so what do we do?​


Do you want to hear God’s voice? Does your busy calendar allow for it? Have you committed yourself to a group of men who are willing to speak his truth into your life? Think about these questions, brother—and commit today to figuring out how to begin to answer them affirmatively.
 

How can I get my teen to STOP relying on social media so much?​





Dear Shaunti,
My kids’ obsession with Instagram and other social media has gotten to ridiculous levels. My teenage daughter takes photos of her outfits before she goes to school and wears the option that got the most likes. She’s already placing far too much value on what her peers think of her, and social media is making it worse. I’m ready to throw her phone in the trash. How can I get her to stop relying on social media so much – especially for her self-identity?


-Irritated with Instagram

Dear Irritated –
Absurd as it may seem to us who grew up without social media, our teens have no frame of reference for life without it. So although it seems “ridiculous,” it’s time to embrace the fact that this is a big part of your teen’s world. That doesn’t mean social media use shouldn’t be controlled (it should) or that it should drive their identity (it shouldn’t) but it does mean giving up the illusion that a teen can live a normal life without it today.

It also means recognizing that if you want to guide your daughter away from relying on anything (social media included) for her self-identity, that you have to enter in to this part of her life, rather than trying to keep her entirely from it. You need to understand her motivations, how she uses social media, who her digital friends are, and what she thinks about it all. And the good news is that, statistically, she probably wants you to!

According to my For Parents Only research with middle school and high school kids, our kids want us to make the effort to understand their life and their world, and be a part it. It sends the message that we care enough about our child and who he or she really is (rather than who we might want them to be) that we’re willing to step into a social environment that may not come naturally, in order to better understand them. It sends the message that they can trust us.


So instead of giving your “disapproving” glance whenever your daughter checks her Instagram comments, ask her about them. I assume you are already checking her phone, social media use and texts (hint hint), so next time you take a look and hand her back her phone, ask open-ended questions to show your interest. “Who comments the most on what you post?” “What do you think about what Paige said?” “Read me some of your favorite posts!”

This involvement almost certainly will lead to more meaningful questions that give you windows of opportunity for guidance. “Do you ever wear an outfit that got voted down, just because you liked it best?” “What do you think, when you see that Jamie has 300 followers and you have 67?” “Do any of your friends just not care whether anyone comments on their posts? Why do you think they are free of the need for that approval?”
Casual questions with deep opportunities.

A woman business leader that I know tells the people who work for her, “I can’t grow you unless I know you” – and the same principle applies to you as a parent. You can’t grow your child, and help her avoid the temptations to rely on friends and approval for self-worth, if you know very little about a huge part of her life.


And once you do know her better, you’ll know best how to share some key truths in a way she’ll accept – like the fact that although it is natural to seek affirmation in the affection or praise of others, it is only in knowing that we are God’s children, created in His image, richly loved in spite of our flaws that we find true affirmation. That is simply not something we can get from anything or anyone else! You’ll be able to help her see that relying on Instagram comments for happiness is a road to heartbreak.
And since she will now know that you care about her, and that she can trust you – she’ll be far more inclined to listen.
 

Is Jealousy and Mistrust Sabotaging Your Relationship?​





One of the common themes that arises during couples counseling sessions is jealousy. For instance, when Stacy, 36, talked about anger toward her husband Jeff, 39, it usually came down to her feeling jealous and mistrustful about his relationships with female colleagues and his former girlfriend, Kendra, who was still in touch with him through social media.



Jealousy is the polar opposite of trusting someone. Taking ownership of your jealous feelings will allow you to face them head on and reduce them. Tackling a tendency to be jealous takes a commitment, practice, and skill. The first step in overcoming jealousy is self-awareness. These feelings won’t magically disappear and they can spell disaster for your intimate relationship if they fester too long.

When I explained this dynamic to Stacy, who would often check Jeff’s phone for text messages from female co-workers, she became defensive and justified her actions by saying, “How else will I know if Jeff’s being faithful, you know he’s very flirtatious and many women would take his behavior as an invitation for a hook-up?”
In fact, many people such as Stacy sabotage their relationship and create a toxic dynamic with their partner by being suspicious, rather than assuming the best of him or her, and extending trust. When I asked Stacy if she had an evidence that Jeff was unfaithful, she admitted that he demonstrated trustworthiness by his actions since he generally came home on time and spend weekends with her.

An inability to trust a partner may take on several forms – ranging from feeling they are dishonest or secretive; or doubting they are going to keep their promises or be dependable. Often people are jealous of a person who they feel will replace them. The bottom line is that insecurity and fear of loss are usually at the root of jealous feelings.


Because of your past experience, you might approach relationships warily and come to expect the worst. It may seem at times as if you’re wired to recreate the past. For instance, Stacy grew up with two unfaithful parents, which set the stage for her being insecure and mistrustful of partners as an adult.
Working through feelings of mistrust is likely to be an uphill battle if you’ve been cheated on in the past or experienced one of both of your parents’ infidelity. However, it is worth the journey and will free you up to feeling happier and more confident in relationships.

Rather than accusing Jeff of being unfaithful, Stacy can show trust by her words and actions – demonstrating her confidence in him by not checking his text messages. Likewise, Stacy is learning to take ownership of her feelings and reactions. She has begun to examine her thought processes. Stacy’s is learning to pause and reflect, asking herself: Is my mistrust grounded in reality or a fragment of my past? She must be willing to let go of self-defeating thoughts – to free herself from baggage brought from the past.

Many relationships are sabotaged by self-fulfilling prophecies. If you believe your partner will hurt you, you can unconsciously encourage hurts to emerge in your relationship. But day by day, if you learn to operate from a viewpoint that your partner loves you and wants the best for you, you can enjoy trust in your life.
Here are 5 ways to deal with jealous feelings toward your partner:
  1. Don’t assume the worst of your partner if you don’t have all the information. Gather information in a non-judgmental way and don’t made accusations of your partner. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt if they are late or make a mistake.
  2. Examine how many of your mistrustful feelings stem from your past or present relationships. When you become aware of your jealous or mistrustful feelings toward your partner, stop yourself and ask: “Is my jealousy or mistrust coming from something that is actually happening in the present, or is it related to my past?”
  3. Take responsibility for your own reactions and focus on changing your mistrustful mindset. Be vulnerable and let your partner know if you have insecurities based on your past and tell him or her that you’re ready to work on your trust issues.
  4. Listen to your partner’s side of the story. Make sure your words and tone of voice are consistent with your goal of rebuilding trust and don’t issue ultimatums such as “I’m out of here” or “This relationship is over” before you’ve collected all of the facts.
  5. Challenge mistrustful feelings and practice being more trusting in small steps. Learning to trust is a skill that can be nurtured over time. With courage and persistence, you can learn to extend trust to a partner who is deserving of it.


Trust is more of an acquired ability than a feeling. Many people have become jaded because their trust has been betrayed and they have adapted by putting up a wall. However, intimate relationships afford us the opportunity to rebuild trust. Every person is born with the propensity to trust others but through life experiences, you may have become less trusting as a form of self-protection.
Ultimately, extending trust to a partner and dealing with jealous feelings in a constructive way can lead to a more satisfying relationship because trust is the foundation of deep, long-lasting love.
 

Is Your Insecurity Making You a Controlling and Disconnected Spouse?​






A woman who I will call Kristin told me that her husband Dan seemed to be slowly slipping away—but as she explained the situation, it was clear that there was far more going on than just a bit of distance in the relationship.
For a few years, she and Dan had been juggling a lot of work and family obligations and always going in opposite directions. Most of their conversations began centering around logistics—who was going to get which kid where, how the SUV was going to get to the dealership for servicing, who was going to pick up dinner. Way too often, patience ran low and tensions ran high.


But those tensions were complicated by a few issues at work. Kristin knew Dan loved her, but he also loved his job and was highly respected and well-liked there. When things were off at home, she knew he felt appreciated at the office. In fact, she had been wondering if a female co-worker of his who seemed just a little too friendly might be interested in him.

Dan worked with this woman only occasionally, and deep down Kristin knew he would never do anything inappropriate. But she couldn’t help feeling like he was at a point in life where the pressures of home and family could make outside interests more appealing. So she started checking up on him to find out where he was, what he was doing, and who he was talking to. If he was having to work late, she asked who he was working late with. And in the rare instances that it was this female colleague, she would ask him to relay everything they had talked about.

By the time she told me about the situation, it was clear that her marriage was starting to have the life squeezed out of it. She knew a lot of the reason was probably because of her controlling behavior, but she didn’t know how to change.

Have you ever been where Kristin is? Feeling insecure in your marriage not because of anything inappropriate your spouse has done (that is an entirely different situation that will need to be covered in a different article), but because life is drawing you apart and you have resorted to hurtful behavior as you try to hold on? Unfortunately, that attempt to control everything can end up pushing away those we love most. It’s a vicious and maddening cycle, but you can get out of it.
If you see yourself in Kristin’s example, here are five key ways to do that.

Solution #1: Seek counseling to help stop a dangerous trend​

Depending on your level of insecurity, and the behavior it’s triggering, you might need advice and help from a qualified counselor. And that means help for you, not just your marriage. To some degree, feelings of insecurity are understandable… but you may be at a point where you are bringing about the very problems you fear.



If that is the case, it is essential to seek qualified help to work through that insecurity, so you don’t allow it to drive you further into unhealthy worries and actions. I told Kristin that a counselor could also be an objective voice to figure out whether the situation with the female colleague was or wasn’t an issue worth being concerned about. In Kristin’s case, she eventually acknowledged, the worry was all in her head. Her husband had done nothing to cause a red flag and was always transparent—and yet it didn’t put Kristin’s mind at rest. She was going deeper and deeper into controlling behavior that was itself causing real marriage issues.

She needed a counselor to help her arrest that cycle. And if you, too, realize that there is no external reason for your insecurity and you need to make a change, a counselor can help you with that.

Like Kristin, perhaps you are letting your thoughts run away with you for no reason. If so, it is essential to learn the skill of taking your thoughts captive. As the Bible puts it, a huge part of confronting problems in this broken world means that “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (You can find that in 2 Corinthians 10:5.)

A good counselor can help you do all of that.

Solution #2: Make spending time together a high priority​

Couples that find themselves drifting apart need to solve their lack of togetherness.

When you have kids, work, and crazy schedules, it’s just too easy to lead separate lives, become distant, and find your friendship with each other weakening. And when friendship and closeness wanes, so does trust and indulgence for each other’s foibles. Resentment can grow—and so can the desire to be close with someone, whether that means the kids, church friends, or workout buddies. But the more you spend time with the kids or other friends and less time with your spouse, the less you’ll simply like each other.



So as I detailed in another article, if you are finding yourself distant from your spouse, it is crucial to spend time together just hanging out and rebuilding your friendship. I would strongly suggest that you read that piece, as we’ve seen in our studies that that one factor is highly protective and important.

Solution #3: Choose to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions​

In my research, the happiest couples clearly made a deliberate decision to believe the best about each other’s intentions. Do you believe your spouse cares for you? If so, make sure you’re acting like it.

If you’re like Kristin, an unusual level of control and effort to keep tabs on your man (especially if you truly have no reason to suspect him) is a signal to him (and you) that you believe the worst of him, not the best.



Allowing insecurity to run away with us also makes us blind to or dissatisfied with the positive things our spouse does for us. Maybe your husband tries to do things to show his love for you, but you convey rejection because he doesn’t do exactly what you’d like him to do, exactly when you’d like him to do it. A person can only be rejected so many times before the effort starts to seem like a waste. So the more you send the message that his best isn’t good enough, the less he’s likely to give of himself. The less you trust him, the more you’re going to suspect that his every move is nefarious. The more often you reject him, the less he’s going to stick his neck out for you. Again, it’s a vicious cycle—but you can break it!

Solution #4: Understand your spouse’s own inner insecurities​

There are a few absolutely crucial things about your man’s inner needs that you may not understand and need to learn. Perhaps most important, in For Women Only I explain just how much men want to be a good husband, but doubt themselves.



This means that your controlling behavior is actually sending a far more dangerous message, emotionally, than just signaling that his effort is going to waste. It is also telling him that he’s incompetent and inadequate, which are probably his most painful feelings by far.

Although it certainly isn’t healthy, it is understandable that a man might want to escape those painful feelings in favor of interactions with people who do think he’s adequate.

So instead of letting your own insecurity trigger his own, focus on doing the reverse: create a home that your husband would never want to escape! Men light up when they think people admire, appreciate, trust, and respect them. If you want to make your marriage thrive, show your husband that you are his biggest admirer.

Solution #5: Take practical steps to deal with your insecurities—and enjoy the rewards of a happy marriage​

What practical steps would make a difference for you? For example, if you find yourself “checking up,” how can you change that to “checking in” in a way that will build the relationship with your spouse instead of tearing it down?



In Kristin’s case, she started touching base with Dan periodically during the workday without an ulterior motive or logistical need—to just say hi or share some encouragement. They also agreed that they needed to spend more time together just connecting, so they placed a cut-off on discussing family logistics after 9 p.m. They prioritized putting some fun activities for just the two of them on their shared calendar, with no kids invited.

With more quality connecting time, Kristin found her attitude changing and her emotions settling. With that and the help of counseling to deal with the underlying insecurity, the vicious cycle gradually lost its grip.

So what steps would break the power of an unhealthy cycle of insecurity for you? Negative habits aren’t always easy to break, but it can be done—and it is so worth it! And as you deal with your insecurities—both the emotions you experience and any harmful behaviors they may be triggering—you are far more likely to truly build and enjoy a healthy, happy marriage.
 

A Simple Practice to Bring More Harmony Into Every Relationship​





Our relationships with one another are often a source of distress. One major form of conflict we experience with others involves their failure to give us the consideration we feel they owe us. We often suffer from thoughts like these: “She is not being respectful enough.” “He is not as kind as I want him to be.” “They just don’t care as deeply as I do.”


However, if we will be courageous enough to see the truth of the next insight, and then admit it into our heart and mind, we can change the real root of this underlying sense of our dissatisfaction with others along with the conflict it generates: Many times the very thing we want from the person we are with — for example, respect, patience, kindness, love — is the very thing that we ourselves either lack at the moment or otherwise somehow are withholding from them. The “catch” here is that we are mostly unconscious to our actual inner condition in these encounters with others, and here’s a major reason why this happens:

Hidden in each of us are certain clever “self-concealing devices” whose sole reason for being is to protect our self-image and keep us asleep to ourselves. One of the ways they work is to show us ourselves as blameless while pointing the arrow of insufficiency at someone else.
Each time this self-protection device successfully diverts our attention in this way here’s what unfolds: Not only are we kept from coming awake to ourselves, but in this engineered spiritual sleep we are rendered unable to realize that the very quality we judge as missing in the people before us is actually lacking in ourselves!


We almost always place demands upon others, but almost never see that the nature in us making these demands is without the very substance it cries out as missing. No wonder the circle of disharmony continues.
How many of us feel that the “others” in our life — particularly the people we are around every day, whether at home or at work — just don’t treat us as we deserve? Perhaps not all of the time, but most of us feel slighted in our relationships every now and then, and perhaps more often than not. And how many of us can honestly say that we offer to our fellows what we want from them?

Generally we extend olive branches and our considerate sympathies to those who we think can serve us, and rarely do we serve those who we are convinced have nothing we want. And yet we still want their respect, kindness, or consideration.
Can we learn to give to others first what we hope to get from them? Before we ask for someone’s attention, let us first lend that person our own. Before we look to him or her for an act of consideration, let us offer one from ourselves. If we wish for kindness, let it begin with our own. Otherwise all we give each other are unconscious demands followed by judgment and disappointment.


We must learn to take the true conscious initiative with each other and then make the effort to be to others what we wish them to be for us. With that end in mind, here is a special exercise that can help us create more harmonious human relationships.
Even to attempt the following practice will reveal more to you about yourself than reading a thousand books on spiritual realization. To begin with, as we have been discussing, we usually demand from others those interior qualities that we are in short supply of ourselves. For instance, it is impatience that leaps to judge impatience. Unkindness finds others unkind — and tells them so in no uncertain terms. Arrogance despises pride and makes sure that the proud know they are dreaming of unreal heights. On and on churns this cycle of disharmony until we go to work on ourselves, implementing the kind of true self-transforming principles that follow.

Whatever it may be that we find wanting in someone else, we must learn what it means to give that very thing to him or her. What we would have from others, or have them be towards us, we must provide or be ourselves.
For instance, if we really want the person we are with to be open with us, we must first open up ourselves. When we know we tend to be critical of others because they don’t show us the respect we would have, we must show these same people the respect we want.


Now, add to these thoughts this last idea: Sometimes we want something from others that they just don’t have within themselves to give. We make demands, for instance, that others understand us when, at that point in their development — for whatever reason — it’s impossible that they could. But wanting what we want, we act as though we are weary with them and become condescending. This behavior on our part only convinces the others in question of their own shortcomings. But given this new understanding, what can we do instead?

Give to them what we have of that quality in ourselves instead of taking away what little they have in themselves. To give the fruit of such a conscious interior labor is to receive the goodness we ask for.
This exercise in harmonious human relationships takes a great deal of attention and, more important, a great deal of being tired of finding everyone around us not as good as ourselves. Our real spiritual growth — our self-transformation — depends upon what we are willing to give, and not upon what we feel we are owed.
Put these ideas to work. You will be shocked and amazed at your discoveries, and you will benefit from the healing that they bring to all your relationships.
 

The Best Way to Handle Conflict? Be Best Friends with Your Spouse​

J



Matt and Jessie never used to fight, but there have been a lot of arguments, or almost-arguments, the last few months. Matt is on the verge of losing his job due to a restructuring at his company, and they have three kids under the age of five. So he’s tense and on edge all the time, and little irritations tend to blow up into arguments. Jessie can’t stand the kids being around that. And she hates conflict in general, so she often takes the kids and goes to the mall or the park just to avoid the tension. Matt thinks she’s running away from him and the issues they need to deal with, but from her perspective she’s just trying to keep the peace. She doesn’t really know what to say to him anymore, and she’s wondering how she can get him to stop picking fights so their relationship can get back to the way it used to be.


Are you like Jessie—wanting to head for the hills whenever times get tough and tensions run high? Would you prefer to escape the discomfort of conflict rather than dealing with it head-on? I hear you, I really do. But if avoiding conflict at any cost is your default, I think it’s possible that you’re mistaking conflict avoidance for peace. If, when voices are raised or things get tense, you run the other way (literally or figuratively)—that isn’t peace. It’s more like a one-sided effort to avoid the issues that need to be discussed, and it cuts your husband out of the process. Perhaps—like Matt—your husband needs to work on how he handles stress, but I would bet that he really wants to work through your conflicts together. And it can be damaging to your marriage if you don’t let that process happen.
So how should you cope with conflict with your spouse?
Your husband should be your best friend.
It will be very difficult to process any kind of conflict if you don’t maintain a healthy friendship between you and your husband. Your husband should be by far your closest friend—and that deep friendship should provide the basis for being able to address issues well—even when times are tough. Think about it: in any situation, good friends who know and care about each other deeply can usually hash things out when there is stress in their relationship. And it was clear in my research that it works the same way in marriage. But if you spend less time with your husband because the tension between you is troubling, you end up creating a situation where you and he are more acquaintances than best friends.


Spend time with your husband to strengthen your friendship.
To cope with conflict in a healthy way and keep your marriage in a good place, it’s important to do whatever is necessary to strengthen your friendship with this most important person in your life. And that means spending time together without the pressure of a big discussion, just catching up on what’s going on with each of you. Ask a friend to babysit and go out to a cheap dinner just for fun and to get some alone time. Take the kids for a walk around the neighborhood together. Sit on the couch and watch an old favorite movie once the kids are in bed. Spend time together building your relationship as best friends who can tell each other anything.
Open up to your husband so you can work things out together.
Be willing to trust your husband—your closest friend—with a confession of how much you hate conflict but how much you want to be willing to work things through instead. Trust him with a plea for what you need in order for that to happen. For example, you could explain how insecure his raised voice makes you feel, and ask if he can take a few deep breaths and speak more calmly instead. And show him that you mean it, by hanging in there the next time there’s tension in the air.


When your husband—like Matt—is going through a difficult time, you have the opportunity to help him through it (to be a stress reliever) with your support and presence. And be encouraged that he wants to work through the challenges with you. If you can navigate difficult periods together, with your friendship front and center, I believe you’ll find that you end up feeling much, much closer to your best friend.
 

Don’t Let This Ruin Your Marriage​





Keep your stupid chocolate bunny!
That’s what I heard anyway.
Do you ever hear your husband’s words through the filter of your hurt and not the way he intended them?
Don’t let this mistake ruin your marriage: Listen with your ears instead of your feelings.
And learn how to cope when you think your husband has rejected you.


I thought an Easter “basket” would be a nice surprise and a way to show my husband how much I appreciated him. I collected gum, mints, socks and other useful stuff I thought he’d like, and put them in a gift bag. As a final gesture I topped it with a chocolate bunny, and left it on his sink before going to bed.


The next morning, the chocolate bunny was sitting on my sink. Chocolate bunnies don’t hop.
“Why’s the bunny on my sink?” I asked him.
“Keep your stupid chocolate bunny,” he said. Or at least that’s what I heard.
Has that ever happened to you? Do you ever listen with your feelings?

Your husband says something and you think you know what he really means but just doesn’t want to say it. Your belief is based on the way you feel.
Well that’s what happened to me. I listened with my feelings. Feelings are reinforced by a voice in our heads reminding us of the hurts he’s caused. They also tell us we’re unlovable, inadequate, or stupid.

Pools forming in my eyes, I snatched my bunny off the sink and crushed his hollow soul. His aluminum foil suit partially hung on his torso. Shards of his chocolate head pelted against the trashcan as I slammed his decapitated body into the trashcan and walked hard down the stairs. “I’ll tell you what you can do with this chocolate bunny,” I mumbled.

Bunny situation escalated to DEFCON 1 in a matter of minutes.
Extreme? Yeah. Extreme hurt causes extreme reactions.
It was just a chocolate bunny. Why did I overreact?

We go to extremes when we feel rejected, ashamed, or unappreciated. Because of past hurts and resentments in our relationship I heard him say, “Keep your stupid chocolate bunny. How could you be dumb enough to give me a chocolate bunny when I’m cutting back?”
He actually said something like, “Thanks for the bunny. I want to eat it for breakfast. But, I’m trying to cut back on the sugar. I’d like to keep it all to myself, but would you mind if I shared it with the kids and you?”

When his words were filtered though my hurt, their meaning was lost in translation. So every time I thought about the bunny that day, I got madder.
I felt like I needed to be super angry to let him know he’d hurt my feelings. I slammed the ham on the platter at dinner. And I silently ran my own commentary with God alongside my husband’s prayer.

“Lord, we’re so grateful for your son Jesus Christ. . . “
Grateful? You’re talking about grateful? You weren’t thinking about grateful when you threw that bunny back in my face.

If I’d moved my feelings out of the way for a second and listened to what he’d really said, I could’ve responded differently.
Bottom line. If you find yourself feeling hurt over something your husband says, be sure you heard him with your ears not your feelings. Even if he is wrong, I choose how I’ll respond.
Instead feeling hurt or angry:
  1. Ask for clarification.
  2. Repeat what you thought you heard.
  3. Explain what you thought you heard and how it made you feel.
  4. No matter what the offense, decide it’s not more important than your relationship.
  5. Even if he is wrong, I choose how I’ll respond.


Should my husband have handled the chocolate bunny situation differently? Maybe. There was no easy way out of the situation, so he decided to be honest with me.
DEFCON 1 dropped to DEFCON 5 by bedtime. But I wasted the day being mad when I didn’t have to be.
I felt even worse when he got into bed that night, snuggled up next to me and whispered, “Where’s the chocolate bunny?”
Can you name a time you listened with your feelings instead of your ears?
 

How the Heck Do We Know?​

[ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . show me a sign that it is you who speak with me—Judges 6:17

“That was God . . .”

“I felt God nudging me . . .”

“I got the sense that God wants me to . . .”


We hear words like these. Sometimes we say them ourselves. But, how do we know it’s God? Well, rarely can we ever know conclusively; there’s mystery with God. There are times when we intuitively just know, down deep somewhere. And, often, this “just knowing” is enough. Other times, though, things are less clear and we must ask: Was that you, God? Or was that just me? In those situations, we need to be able to recognize his voice—to identify it.

Fortunately, his voice is unique—whether it comes through his still, small voice or through the words of others. It’s something we can come to recognize. So, what we need to learn is to identify the unique characteristics. We do that by reading Scripture. Fortunately, not all methods of hearing God are equal. Scripture, the method by which we hear his voice indirectly through the Biblical authors, sits above all others in importance and authority. As such, we have something against which we can run tests.

On a practical level, therefore, when we try to hear God by any other method, we simply need ask ourselves whether what we think we’ve heard fits within the principles set forth in Scripture. Indeed, that’s exactly what we are listening for when we listen for his voice—thoughts and words that fit within the principles of the Bible—not thoughts, nor words, by contrast, that contradict or add to Scripture.

Okay, so what do we do?​


Are you spending enough time reading Scripture, brother? Do you have a reading plan? If not, get one going, today. Do it with friends. For if you come to know him in Scripture, you’ll begin to identify God’s voice in other places too.
 

How to Know When It’s Time to Go … To Couples’ Counseling​





You’ve heard the timeworn — and so often true — cliche: marriage is work. No matter how strong a marriage or remarriage is, couples often encounter a common set of conflicts. Whether early in a new marriage, or after years together, these universal issues tend to revolve around communication, or a lack thereof.



In a recent article for the Cleveland Clinic, Dr. Adam Borland explains the five most prevalent marital problems and suggests that the solution is as universal as the source of these struggles. Dr. Borland offers couples counseling, and the resulting improvements in communication, as a panacea for his five most frequent causes of stress and unhappiness in a marriage.

First, is poor communication. Whether married couples clash over the mundane, everyday back and forth of life, or fail to open themselves open emotionally and be vulnerable with their partner, ineffective communication is the first of the issues that Dr. Borland says can be improved by therapy.
Second, Borland sees a lack of physical intimacy as a source of many marital ills. Additionally, he identifies fractured trust, big life changes and events, and addiction as “the big five” forces that too often frustrate and alienate partners.

And just as all of these sources of strife are interconnected, so too are the keys to repairing a broken relationship. Dr. Borland prescription for wedded woes is built on marriage counseling aimed at improving three main tenets: effective communication, honesty and trust.
Specifically, Borland’s practice is built on addressing the way in which a couple communicates so that both parties can feel heard, understood, and ultimately connected to one another. Working on honesty will naturally bolster the emotional bonds between partners. And finally, having worked on trust issues, couples will see improved cooperation.
The following are my thoughts about the reasons why I believe couples counseling can help couples:

How can marriage counseling help couples?
  • A motivated couple can begin to explore their problems from a new perspective.
  • They can learn new ways to recognize and resolve conflicts as a result of the tools provided by the therapist.
  • Partners can improve communication that may have eroded the quality of their interactions. It’s common for couples to reach an impasse and lose the ability to be vulnerable and trusting of one another.
  • It can provide “neutral territory” to help couples work through tough issues or to put aside “baggage” that prevents the couple from moving on.
  • Couples can decide to rebuild their marriage and make a renewed commitment, or clarify the reasons why they need to separate or end the marriage.


Further, for marriage counseling to be effective, you both need to be willing to take responsibility for your part in the problems, to accept each other’s faults, and be motivated to repair your relationship. It’s important for you to have realistic expectations because it takes more than a few sessions to shed light on the dynamics and to begin the process of change.

All of this hard work will, in the end, reduce stress in a marriage, and lead to a happier and healthier relationship. And by putting in the work early, before stresses fracture a marriage, couples will develop the tools to approach any number of obstacles that will arise. There’s comfort in knowing these problems are common, and that you’re not alone. And it’s clear there’s comfort too in the participatory process of couples counseling, where working together will make for a fulfilling and long-lasting marriage.
 

The Two Kinds of Malaise (And How to Handle Both)​





Malaise is a common occurrence in the life of every human. That feeling of being tired or a little sad. Just not wanting to do anything. Bored. In some ways, a feeling of malaise is the most human thing in the world. We are creatures of pattern, destined for the mundane. Every new thing becomes familiar. The excitement of passion inevitably wanes over time. And we are left with something else. Or a couple different kinds of something else.



There are two sorts of malaise. The first is more like a depression, a deep and meaningful dissatisfaction. The second is more like boredom, a sort of apathy or monotony.
Both of these have similar symptoms. We talk about “being in a rut”, but which kind of malaise are we referencing when we say these things. The difference can seem small and is often hard to distinguish. But it is an important difference when it comes to how we respond.

The Strain

The first kind of malaise is a true and deep dissatisfaction. Our System One is being strained. We are not living out our values, not truly feeling alive. It is the kind of strain that leads to depression and mental illness. An out of control complacency. A loss of vision.

When we are faced with this kind of malaise, we need newness. We need intention. We need to name our vision and step into our values. This kind of malaise is a poison. It can destroy us if we don’t do something about it.

The Plain

The other kind of malaise is more complicated. It is a feeling of monotony. The consistency of discipline. And this is brought on by the harsh reality that life is predominantly spent on the plains. We seek the mountains (and even the valleys) because we “feel more alive” when things are extreme. But the plains, the ordinary is the place teeming with life. It is the place where our truest character develops.



On the plains, in the midst of this kind of malaise, we need grit and perseverance. We need a perspective of thankfulness, to see the value of where we are and the opportunity it affords us to live in accordance with our vision and values. We handle this malaise in quite the opposite way of the other: we press into it. We make the most of it and make our choices in the midst of it.

Discerning the Difference

So with two very different responses to two very similar-feeling types of malaise, the question becomes how do I discern the difference? While the feeling of normality can be terrifying, it can also be comforting. Which is right? Which kind of malaise am I feeling: the one that tells me I need a change or the one that tells me I’m on the right track?
This is why intentional vision is so important in our lives. We need a transcendent mission to devote our lives to. Otherwise, it is impossible to discern one malaise from the other. Each feels too similar to the other. Each is a reaction to circumstances, which change like the wind. What we need is something to tether us to the truth.


If your malaise aligns with your vision, you are on the right track. It might not feel particularly exciting. It might feel normal and familiar. That is the fruit of consistency, ironically.

If, however, you are living outside your vision, a malaise is the indicator you need to recalibrate your thinking and your behavior.
The difference-maker is vision. It is the lighthouse that directs us. It is the truth that serves as a compass. We cannot allow malaise to be our masters. Otherwise, we will let it leads us astray in both directions! We need malaise to be an alarm that lets us know we are so on track that living our vision is normalizing or we are so off track that our vision is fading in the distance. Either way, we must name our vision truly and honestly in order to discern the difference.
 

Spurgeon on the Ever-Living Gospel and the Person of Jesus​






Note from Randy: I’d been a pastor for ten years before I discovered the writings of Charles Spurgeon, and then I couldn’t get enough of him. The Bible oozed out of his pores, and he let Scripture be Scripture, rarely twisting it to fit his theology.
One of my books on Heaven, We Shall See God, contains segments from his sermons on Heaven, so about 60% of the book is Spurgeon. It was one of my favorite books to work on, since I extracted my favorite portions from many of his messages. One day I’ll meet him and say, “Don’t know if you realized we were co-authors. There really wasn’t any way I could ask your permission!”
I enjoyed these writings from Spurgeon on the gospel and Jesus, which I found through the excellent Logos software.


But the word of the Lord endureth for ever. And this is the word which by the gospel is preached unto you.”—1 Pet. 1:25.
ALL human teaching and, indeed, all human beings, shall pass away as the grass of the meadow; but we are here assured that the word of the Lord is of a very different character, for it shall endure for ever.

We have here a divine gospel; for what word can endure for ever but that which is spoken by the eternal God?
We have here an ever-living gospel, as full of vitality as when it first came from the lip of God; as strong to convince and convert, to regenerate and console, to sustain and sanctify, as ever it was in its first days of wonder-working.

We have an unchanging gospel, which is not to-day green grass, and to-morrow dry hay; but always the abiding truth of the immutable Jehovah. Opinions alter, but truth certified by God can no more change than the God who uttered it.
Here, then, we have a gospel to rejoice in, a word of the Lord upon which we may lean all our weight. “For ever” includes life, death, judgment, and eternity. Glory be to God in Christ Jesus for everlasting consolation. Feed on the word to-day, and all the days of thy life. [1]



I am come a light into the world, that whosoever believeth on me should not abide in darkness.”—John 12:46.
THIS world is dark as midnight; Jesus has come that by faith we may have light, and may no longer sit in the gloom which covers all the rest of mankind.
Whosoever is a very wide term: it means you and me. If we trust in Jesus we shall no more sit in the dark shadow of death, but shall enter into the warm light of a day which shall never end. Why do we not come out into the light at once?

A cloud may sometimes hover over us, but we shall not abide in darkness if we believe in Jesus. He has come to give us broad daylight. Shall he come in vain? If we have faith we have the privilege of sunlight: let us enjoy it. From the night of natural depravity, of ignorance, of doubt, of despair, of sin, of dread, Jesus has come to set us free; and all believers shall know that he no more comes in vain than the sun rises and fails to scatter his heat and light.
Shake off thy depression, dear brother. Abide not in the dark, but abide in the light. In Jesus is thy hope, thy joy, thy heaven. Look to him, to him only, and thou shalt rejoice as the birds rejoice at sunrise, and as the angels rejoice before the throne. [2]



Faith and the Nature of Christ
No idea of the Lord Jesus Christ approaches to correctness which does not see in his one person the two natures of God and man united. In that person, wherein were blended, but not confused, the Godhead and the Manhood, a practical faith has its most ample help. Jesus sympathizes with the condition in which the struggler after excellence finds himself, for he also was tempted in all points like as we are; he knows the difficulties which grow out of the infirmities of flesh and blood, for he felt sickness and pain, poverty and hunger, weakness and depression. It is a great gain in a human career, a specially suitable assistance, to have an unlimited power at one’s side sympathizing with our weakness.

Nor is the advantage less in the other direction, for here is a Man, bound to us by relationship and affection the most intense, who is not only tender to the last degree of our suffering nature, but is also as wise as he is brotherly, and as mighty to subdue our faults as he is gentle to bear with our frailties. His Manhood brings Jesus down to us, but united with the Divine nature it lifts us up to God. The Lord Jesus thus not only ministers to our comfort, but to our betterment, which is the greater concern of the two.


Could faith believe in a Being more answerable to all our needs, more helpful to our noblest longings? Allied to Jesus, we confidently aspire to such likeness to our Creator as it is possible for a creature to bear.

Enthusiasm for the Person of Jesus
The love of the believer to the Lord Jesus is intensely personal and enthusiastic. It overtops all other affections. His love, his sufferings, his perfections, his glories fill the heart and set it on fire. There is more force in the love of an actual living person than in subscription to any set of doctrines however important they may be. The courage of a leader has often produced deeds of daring which no philosophy could have demanded. Our glorious leader, Christ Jesus, inspires his followers with a burning passion, an all-consuming zeal, an irrepressible enthusiasm, which supplies all the energy which the noblest life can need. It is no small aid to our noblest ambition to have our hearts captured by incarnate holiness.

Faith in the Life of Christ on Earth
The more we examine the character of the Lord Jesus Christ, the more are we filled with admiration of it. In the gospels we have a fourfold photograph of his countenance, taken from different positions. Putting these together, or even meditating upon any one of them, we are charmed with its singular beauty. Nor is this at all remarkable, for almost every man in the world, believer or unbeliever, has acknowledged the singular excellence of the life of Christ.

It is so original, so transcendent, so perfect, that all men, except certain blinded partisans, sworn to run-a-muck at all things holy, have bowed before its glory, and regarded it as the beau-idéal of perfect manhood. Now this is in Scripture set before us as an example, therefore it is imitable; and better still, it is set forth as the ordained pattern to which the believer is to be conformed are God’s great work is done. To have a high ideal, to be assured that we can reach it, and to have a capable Helper, who will enable us to reach it—this is to have a grand assistance towards a life of virtue. Faith in this Exemplar, who is also our Saviour, must minister strength in our life-battle. To aspire to such a perfect character, as the salvation which we most desire, is to be already saved in principle. It is a great comfort to be fired with an ambition to be like Jesus. Salvation from hell to heaven every selfish wretch may wish for; but to be saved from selfishness into the image of Christ is that which only the renewed in heart are pining for, and by that pining their salvation is assured.


Faith in the Principles of Christ’s Life
It is observable that the self-denial of our Lord Jesus, which was complete and entire beyond all suspicion, proved to be for him the way to that pre-eminence of glory which he now enjoys. He is above all things because he stooped to the lowest and meanest state. It is his honour that he laid aside his glory, and bowed to the greatest shame and scorn. His glory in the hearts of his redeemed is this, that he made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and even died, the Just for the unjust, to bring us to God.

No secondary motive deteriorated the compassionate self-sacrifice of Jesus; yet the abnegation of himself has turned to his boundless exaltation. Faith perceives this, and knowing that in this case one rule holds good for the Leader and the follower, it accepts all manner of service however menial, and consents with alacrity to a thorough self-emptying. To lose one’s life for truth’s sake and love’s sake is according to Biblical philosophy to save it. The complete sinking of self is the surest road to glory and immortality. Herein is the soul prepared or all ill-weathers, and rescued from a passion which is of all things else the most weakening to the force of virtue. [3]




[1] Spurgeon, C. H. (1893). The cheque book of the bank of faith: being precious promises arranged for daily use with brief comments (p. 244). New York: American Tract Society.
[2] Spurgeon, C. H. (1893). The cheque book of the bank of faith: being precious promises arranged for daily use with brief comments (p. 70). New York: American Tract Society.
[3] Spurgeon, C. H. (1892). The Clue of the Maze (pp. 94–101). London: Passmore & Alabaster.
 

Have You Missed It?​

[ 1 min read ★ ]

. . . he rewards those who seek him—Hebrews 11:6

If God chose to speak to us using methods unmistakable, undeniable—a clearly audible voice or a conversation with an angel, perhaps—identifying his voice would be simple. Such encounters would be impossible to ignore, even for the distracted or dissenting among us. He employs methods like these, however, only but very rarely. Much more often, he uses methods any of us can mistake, or even deny—methods like his still, small voice and human agency.

Identifying his voice when it comes through these latter methods is—by intentional design—more difficult. Note the story of Elijah on Mount Horeb, when God uses his still, small voice (1 Kings 19:9-18). He makes it clear the nature of this voice is not dramatic, nor the volume loud; it’s a gentle whisper. Unobtrusive. It’s not forced upon Elijah, nor upon us. The same is true of human agency. When he speaks through family, friends, acquaintances, his voice is likewise easy to mistake, easy to deny. Such people talk with us every day and the few words that are inspired can get lost among the many that are not. Again, unobtrusive.

But, though unobtrusive, Elijah still heard God’s voice. And so can we. We can hear it—but we must listen determinedly. Otherwise it’ll fade into noise. Why? Why does God allow us to find him when we seek him earnestly and hide himself from us when we do not? To do differently would be coercion, or close to it. And that’s not how he works.

Okay, so what do we do?​


Get rid of distraction. Drop the skepticism. Drop the defiance, brother. He wants a two-way relationship with you, one in which you speak and are spoken to . . . by God Almighty. That’s an astounding offer. All he wants is for you to choose him, freely. Choose him.
 

A Simple Practice to Bring More Harmony Into Every Relationship​





Our relationships with one another are often a source of distress. One major form of conflict we experience with others involves their failure to give us the consideration we feel they owe us. We often suffer from thoughts like these: “She is not being respectful enough.” “He is not as kind as I want him to be.” “They just don’t care as deeply as I do.”


However, if we will be courageous enough to see the truth of the next insight, and then admit it into our heart and mind, we can change the real root of this underlying sense of our dissatisfaction with others along with the conflict it generates: Many times the very thing we want from the person we are with — for example, respect, patience, kindness, love — is the very thing that we ourselves either lack at the moment or otherwise somehow are withholding from them. The “catch” here is that we are mostly unconscious to our actual inner condition in these encounters with others, and here’s a major reason why this happens:

Hidden in each of us are certain clever “self-concealing devices” whose sole reason for being is to protect our self-image and keep us asleep to ourselves. One of the ways they work is to show us ourselves as blameless while pointing the arrow of insufficiency at someone else.
Each time this self-protection device successfully diverts our attention in this way here’s what unfolds: Not only are we kept from coming awake to ourselves, but in this engineered spiritual sleep we are rendered unable to realize that the very quality we judge as missing in the people before us is actually lacking in ourselves!


We almost always place demands upon others, but almost never see that the nature in us making these demands is without the very substance it cries out as missing. No wonder the circle of disharmony continues.
How many of us feel that the “others” in our life — particularly the people we are around every day, whether at home or at work — just don’t treat us as we deserve? Perhaps not all of the time, but most of us feel slighted in our relationships every now and then, and perhaps more often than not. And how many of us can honestly say that we offer to our fellows what we want from them?

Generally we extend olive branches and our considerate sympathies to those who we think can serve us, and rarely do we serve those who we are convinced have nothing we want. And yet we still want their respect, kindness, or consideration.
Can we learn to give to others first what we hope to get from them? Before we ask for someone’s attention, let us first lend that person our own. Before we look to him or her for an act of consideration, let us offer one from ourselves. If we wish for kindness, let it begin with our own. Otherwise all we give each other are unconscious demands followed by judgment and disappointment.


We must learn to take the true conscious initiative with each other and then make the effort to be to others what we wish them to be for us. With that end in mind, here is a special exercise that can help us create more harmonious human relationships.

Even to attempt the following practice will reveal more to you about yourself than reading a thousand books on spiritual realization. To begin with, as we have been discussing, we usually demand from others those interior qualities that we are in short supply of ourselves. For instance, it is impatience that leaps to judge impatience. Unkindness finds others unkind — and tells them so in no uncertain terms. Arrogance despises pride and makes sure that the proud know they are dreaming of unreal heights. On and on churns this cycle of disharmony until we go to work on ourselves, implementing the kind of true self-transforming principles that follow.

Whatever it may be that we find wanting in someone else, we must learn what it means to give that very thing to him or her. What we would have from others, or have them be towards us, we must provide or be ourselves.
For instance, if we really want the person we are with to be open with us, we must first open up ourselves. When we know we tend to be critical of others because they don’t show us the respect we would have, we must show these same people the respect we want.


Now, add to these thoughts this last idea: Sometimes we want something from others that they just don’t have within themselves to give. We make demands, for instance, that others understand us when, at that point in their development — for whatever reason — it’s impossible that they could. But wanting what we want, we act as though we are weary with them and become condescending. This behavior on our part only convinces the others in question of their own shortcomings. But given this new understanding, what can we do instead?

Give to them what we have of that quality in ourselves instead of taking away what little they have in themselves. To give the fruit of such a conscious interior labor is to receive the goodness we ask for.

This exercise in harmonious human relationships takes a great deal of attention and, more important, a great deal of being tired of finding everyone around us not as good as ourselves. Our real spiritual growth — our self-transformation — depends upon what we are willing to give, and not upon what we feel we are owed.
Put these ideas to work. You will be shocked and amazed at your discoveries, and you will benefit from the healing that they bring to all your relationships.
 
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