ADULT JOKES - to brighten your day‏

[diversifyx2]

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there? The bartender says, Yep, thats them. So the guy walks over and says, Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here? Bush says, We're planning WWIII. And the guy says, Really? Whats going to happen?

Bush says, Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman.

The guy exclaimed, A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!
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[Ramseth]

Bush says, Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman.

The guy exclaimed, A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!
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Iraq's total population is about 30m... ...and the bicycle repairman is in China...

 

[diversifyx2]

An american, a german, and an asian travel to california to work on the coal mines, the american gets a job cooking, the german breaking rocks, and the asian in supplies, The foreman goes out to check on his new employees, the american is making great food, the german is working good, and he cant find the asian in the supplies department, he walks out side and the asian jumps out of the bushes and yells, "Suplies!"....if your too stupid to get it hes saying suplies in an asian accent like yelling suprise. haha

 

[diversifyx2]

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”

The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”

The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis

 

[diversifyx2]

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
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[diversifyx2]

One day an American, and Canadian and a Polock go for a trip in the desert.

After they are walking for a while they start talking and the American says, "I brought food so we'll have something to eat when we're hungry."

The Canadian says, "I brought water so when we get thirsty we'll have something to eat."

The Polock says, "I just brought a car door."

The first two men look at each other puzzled and ask him, "Why did you bring a car door."

The Polock says, "So we can roll down the window when we get hot."
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[diversifyx2]

A Black, a Mexican, and a White guy were all walking in the great out doors when they stumbled upon something. They pick it up and rub it to clean it when a genie pops out. "Thank you for releasing me, as a token of my gratitude I will grant you each one wish." The Black guy says "I wish me and all my fellow Blacks were back in Africa." So POOF! Him and is fellow Blacks are all in Africa. The Mexican says " I wish me and all my fellow mexicans were back in Mexico." So POOF! him and all his fellow mexicans were back in Mexico.
The genie then goes to the White guy and asks him for his wish. The guy then asks "So your'e telling me there are no more Blacks or Mexicans in America?" The Genie replies "Correct" Then the white guy replies "Well in that case, I'll just have a Coke".
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[diversifyx2]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training near a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. What are these guys in the big suits doing? A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. They then took the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land.
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[diversifyx2]

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix.

The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost
to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one question."

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free
proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon.

The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man a top City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"
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[diversifyx2]

q: why did they invent white chocolate?

a: so black kids can have dirty faces too

 

[diversifyx2]

This racist guy was out for a drive one day when he saw a nigger walking down the road, so the guy swerved and ran him over. A little while later he saw another one and swerved and ran him over.
A little while later he saw a priest walking down the road so he stops to do his good deed of the day and offered the priest a ride.
They start to drive down the road and the racist sees another nigger.

"Shit!" he thinks, "I can't run him over when the priest is in the car. Ha! I know I'll close my eyes and swerve and hope I get him."

So the racist does just that. He then opens his eyes and asks the priest, "Did I hit him?"

"No." Replied the priest, "But I got him with my door."
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[diversifyx2]

First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
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[diversifyx2]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
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[diversifyx2]

There were 3 girls in high school, they were all best friends and their moms were all best friends as well, one mom was blonde, one mom was brunette, and the other had black hair.

So one night, the moms are all sitting around talking, and the Brunette says, ''I found a cigarette butt in my daughters trash can, I can't believe she smokes.''

The mom with Black Hair looks over and says, ''Well, I found a beer bottle in my daughters trashcan I can't believe she drinks.''

Then the blonde thinks for a moment and says, ''I found a condom in my daughters bed, I can't believe she has a dick.''
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[diversifyx2]

A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, Come again?

The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, Oh, no it's just mustard this time.
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[diversifyx2]

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
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[diversifyx2]

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.

The man replied, 'Ontario'.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.'

'I know.' the man said 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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[diversifyx2]

The manager of a large office noticed a new guy one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" the manager asked.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
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[diversifyx2]

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys
when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they
even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
B ut you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

 

[mercbenz]

Best thread ever! :d

the queen of england was visiting one of canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"oh my god!", said the queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
the doctor leading the tour explains, "i'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"oh, i am sorry" said the queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"oh my god", said the queen, "what's happening in there?"
the doctor replied, "same problem, better health plan."