ADULT JOKES - to brighten your day‏

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10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
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A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to give an example his students could relate to.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."
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Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
* Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
* Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
* Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
* Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
* Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
* Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''<SCRIPT src="/js/loadjs.php?module=user&skipAuto=1" type=text/javascript></SCRIPT>

 

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At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch".

The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."
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Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replies.

The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"

"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
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She goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" !

She explains the situation with the toaster.

He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!

 

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A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"
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[Ramseth]

One night, Lee Hsien Loong got bored and horny and went to Geylang.

PRC Pros: Hello, dear Pimp Minister, what's the package you want tonight?

PM LHL: Hahaha...after so many years here, your English pronunciation still can't make it. It's Prime Minister, not Pimp Minister.

PRC Pros: No, no, no. This is what your citizens have been teaching me all these years. The meaning of Prime means top best most powerful, yes?

PM LHL: Yes, of course. I'm Prime Minister. See?

PRC Pros: But can you sack your father as your Mentor and Chairman of GIC?

PM LHL: Errr, no.

PRC Pros: Then can you sack your wife as CEO of Temasek?

PM LHL: Errr, I tried but failed.

PRC Pros: Then can you sack Goh Chok Tong as your Senior Minister?

PM LHL: Errr, not really, still need to cover MAS issues and some Foreign Affairs.

PRC Pros: Then can you sack Wong Kan Seng for the Home Affairs cockups?

PM LHL: Errr, better not lah, later family dinner everybody face turns black.

PRC Pros: Please, go check the dictionary definition of the word Prime for yourself before you accuse any PRC English no good again.

PM LHL: OK OK I just want to relax tonight. Give me the standard package

PRC Pros: Yes, Pimp Minister. (I wouldn't want to explain the word Pimp to you, otherwise sure get deported.)

 

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Little Molly is walking around with her Mother at the mall- they stop at a make-up cosmetic dept store.

Little Molly asks her mother- Mommy what are those??

Thats lipstick sweety- it makes your lips pretty.

Molly then says oh! Daddy uses lipstick all the time at home when you are at work. I think daddy likes making his lips pretty!

As they leave the mall Mollys mother starts to think and gets more and more aggravated.

When they arrive at home Mollys Mother storms into the house demanding an answer.

Bob what kind of freak are you? Molly told me you use lipstick around the house all the time- what kind of fruit basket did I marry?!

Bob says.. Hunny what on earth are you talking about? If that was true dont you think that you would find lipstick at home? U dont even wear lipstick.

Just then Molly comes into the room to pet the dog bingo- Molly then says look Mommy its daddys lipstick! Bingos holding on to it!
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Three smiling redneck corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes into the coroner's office to find out the cause of death.

The coroner points to the first dead man. This is Cletus, he says. He died after winning $23 million on the state lottery.

He then moves onto the second smiling corpse. This is Bo, the coroner says with a grin. He died having oral sex with Trudy-May.

Finally he moves onto the last smiling corpse. This is Roscoe, says the coroner. He died after being struck by lightning. Well, asks the detective. Why in the hell was he smiling? Oh, says the coroner. He thought he was having his picture taken.
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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.


Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'


'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'

'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'


'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.


'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.


'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.


'Jews sink Titanic.'


'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'
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Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now." "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh, so sad, dear" says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born". "He's a martyr too" says mum quietly. "Oh, gracious me ..." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18", she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school". He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says ......

They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

 

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An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."
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An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy.

Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both M ale and female sometimes camels

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too

Consul: Man,......... isn' t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh dear!
Arab : Deer No ,hole too high, run too fast!
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An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"

The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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Heard this at the bar tonight, although extremely offensive, I thought it was pretty clever:

Why does Beyonce always sing "To the left to the left" ?

Because black people don't have rights.
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Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”
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