ADULT JOKES - to brighten your day‏

[diversifyx2]

New Priest in town

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, Ill quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had fallen.

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me theyve fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I dont know what youre laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
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[diversifyx2]

One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing.

The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks.

So the little boy left it at that.

A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this time he asks, "Are you making fish sticks again?"

The parents both reply yes.

The boy remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth."
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[sufferwell]

well done diversifyx2..
good jokes there

 

[diversifyx2]

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here!

She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer.

Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! .....

.... Dave, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"<SCRIPT src="/js/loadjs.php?module=user&skipAuto=1" type=text/javascript></SCRIPT>

 

[diversifyx2]

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."
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[diversifyx2]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the
playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped
her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,
then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want
to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!
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[diversifyx2]

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''Oooohhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
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[diversifyx2]

A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never felt better," he replies. I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him."

That's impossible," said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver!"

â€Exactly,†said the doctor.
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[diversifyx2]

One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.

The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.

She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.

An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."

He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."

She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."
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[diversifyx2]

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his
apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said,
"Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks
his door."

So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."

So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if
a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, that
means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.

Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and
can't seem to find the hole, that means he is inexperienced and
that isn't for me either."

Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

To which grinned and he replied, "Well, first before I do anything
else, I lick the lock."<SCRIPT src="/js/loadjs.php?module=user&skipAuto=1" type=text/javascript></SCRIPT>

 

[diversifyx2]

Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
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[diversifyx2]

A man and his wife go to the site of their honeymoon for their 25th anniversary. As the couple is reflecting on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replies, "All I wanted to do was fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry."

"What are you thinking now?" the wife asks as she undresses.

The husband quickly replies: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
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[diversifyx2]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
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[diversifyx2]

Granny and Grandad where sitting at the breakfast table.
Granny says "do you know my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago"
Grandad says "course they are ones in your coffee the others in your fucking porridge!'
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[diversifyx2]

A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years old. One evening the wife came home and found a note from her husband. It said: ''My dear, you are 54 years old and there are some things you are not giving me, so I am at the Holiday Inn with my 18-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me.''

He returns home that night to find a note from his wife: ''You are also 54 years old and there are things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 18-year-old students and you (being a math teacher) should know that 18 goes into 54 way more than 54 goes into 18, so don't YOU wait up for ME.''
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[diversifyx2]

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
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[diversifyx2]

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it."

The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100.
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[diversifyx2]

Sarah the sexy secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"
"Sarah honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You aren't sterile....."
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[eErotica69]

...he came home to the States feeling a big ragged down below, so he went to visit the doctor.

"I have some bad news," his doctor said. "You have a very rare STD known as Mongolian VD."

"Can you give me a shot or a pill or something to cure it?" our horny tourist groaned.

"I'm afraid there's no known cure. The only thing we can do is amputate your penis."

Our oversexed American friend couldn't accept this, so he decided to seek a second opinion despite his doctor's insistence that his penis be surgically removed. He flew back to Bangkok, back to the scene of the crime, and sought out a Thai doctor who specialized in STDs.

The Thai doctor examined him and said, "You have definitely contracted Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

"Can you do anything for me?" our distressed Lothario asked. "My doctor back in America said my penis needed to be cut off."

The Thai doctor shook his head. "That's the problem with American doctors - they're always so anxious to reach for the scalpel when something goes wrong. There's no need to operate."

The American sex tourist let out a big sigh of relief. "Thank God. I knew you could help me."

"No problem," said the Thai doctor. "Just wait two weeks, and your penis will fall off all by itself."

 

[LaMei]

The Lonely Brain Cell

Once upon a time there was
a female brain cell which,
by mistake, happened
to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously
because it was all empty
and quiet.

'Hello?'
she cried, but no answer.

'Is there anyone here?'
she cried a little louder,
but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell
started to feel alone and scared.
So she yelled at the top
of her voice,

'HELLO,
IS THERE ANYONE HERE?'

Then she heard a faint voice
from far, far away....

'We're down here .' </ TBODY>