ADULT JOKES - to brighten your day‏

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It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.
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A highway patrolman pulls over a young black woman,shes studdering a bit,so he ask her if she would take a breathalyzer test,she agrees and blows in to the tube..the patrolman says,damn,looks like youve had afew stiffys tonight ma'am....she says really? i didnt know that showed up on those.
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A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in.

She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "
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Cindy invites her boyfriend Tom to come over to meet and have dinner with her parents. She tells Tom that after dinner, she wants to make love for the first time. He's ecstatic since he's a virgin and he goes to the store for condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and he helps Tom for an hour telling him everything about condoms and sex. He asks Tom how many condoms he'd like to buy. Tom insists on the jumbo pack cause he thinks he'll be busy for his first time! That night he arrives at Cindy's and she greets him at the door, excited that he'll meet her parents. At the table where her parents are seated, Tom offers to say grace and bows his head for five minutes without moving. After 15mins Cindy says "I had no idea you were so religious!" Tom replied, "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist!"
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A woman goes into Wal-mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-mart associate standing there with dark glasses on. She asks, "Excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it all on the counter anyway.

He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was she. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She asks, "But didn't you say it was $20?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
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A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.

After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
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During a recent hot spell in Atlanta a hillbilly collapsed on the street. Immediately a crowd gathered and began offering suggestions.

"Give the poor man a drink of whiskey," a little old lady said.

"Give him some air," a man cried out.

"Give him some whiskey," she cried again.

Several other suggestions were made and the victim suddenly sat up and hollered, "Will all of you shut up and listen to the little old lady?"
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It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when Tiffany, a blonde woman, got off work late one night. She managed to make her way to her car but wondered how she was going to make it home. Tiffany sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice: If she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and then follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better.

Sure enough, in a little while a snowplow went by and Tiffany started to follow it. As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very smug because she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed, Tiffany was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped, the driver got out, came back to her car, and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was alright, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine, and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted-- but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'

The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!'

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'
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My wife who is blonde came running up to me in the driveway the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic!

We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to Have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
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Two blondes are walking down the road when one says, “Look at that dog with one eye!”

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, “Where?”
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This blonde wanted to go ice fishing so she got her tools and went to the nearest frozen lake. When she got there she started poking a hole into the ice, and a deep booming voice was heard from the skies and said to her, "There are no fish under the ice."

So the blonde moved to the right and starts to poke another hole. Again, the deep booming voice spoke, and again said the same thing, "There are no fish under the ice".

The blonde put down her tools, looked up towards the heavens and said, "Is that you lord?"

The deep booming voice spoke to her and said, "No. This is the manager of the ice rink!"
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I urgently needed a few days off work, But I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he
Would tell me to take a few days off.So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. i told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY'
And give me a few days off.A few minutes later the Boss came into the office And asked 'What are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office.When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her
....And where do you think you're going?'


(You're gonna love this.....)She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark

 

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An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
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blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "So...did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
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A pregnant brunette, redhead, and blonde are talking in the Clinic one day. The brunette says "I'm going to have a boy, because when I conceived my husband was on top." The redhead says "Well, I'm going to have a girl, because when I conceived I was on top.

Suddenly the blonde bursts out in tears. "What's wrong?" the other girls ask.

"I think I'm going to have PUPPIES!"
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A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying I need 45 gallons of milk.

He knocked on the door and a beautiful blond answered it.

Is this a mistake? the milkman asked.

No, she said, I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is good for your skin.

Really? replied the milkman.

Do you want it pasteurised?

No, up to my tits would be fine, she said
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An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
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