Tales of the Istana thread

[tanvir28]

I am really enjoying reading your well written articles. I think you spend numerous effort and time updating your blog. I have bookmarked it and I am taking a look ahead to reading new articles. Please keep up the good articles!

 

[red amoeba]

sad to see it coming to an end, enjoyed it tremendously.

wondering if there is going to be a new series with TT ?

 

[zhihau]

wondering if there is going to be a new series with TT ?

bro littlereddot had his Annals of the Dragon Prince. not able to reproduce here because bro dot haven't given the nod, is he even posting in here?

 

[red amoeba]

bro littlereddot had his Annals of the Dragon Prince. not able to reproduce here because bro dot haven't given the nod, is he even posting in here?

where can i find that annals? I used to get it on Talkingcock.com

haven't been there...is it updated?

 

[zhihau]

where can i find that annals?

i read it in Sam's forum in the old Delphi

 

[zhihau]

tales of the Istana - rehashed

路邊攤, 30 Raffles Avenue, somewhere near the kacang putih store: 10.30pm, 24*C, slight breeze with old hokkien ballads permeating in the background

oldman: tancho, trust you to find such a place to reminisce the good O' days.

tancho: boss, this chai tow kwey is good enough for me, small serving portion going at tiga setengah.

prata: am i the only one but i don't remember seeing any prata sellers around here.

tancho: you can try the orh-luak in one of these stalls behind, they pack a mean 5 bucks package.

prata: in rancid oil and strong chili, right. i don’t wanna choke my arteries you know?

oldman: wait a minute, my bak chor mee has no ter kwa in it, neat. now where is my ter kwa?

prata: and i don't see any curry stalls for that matter, this is not a good representation of our culture.

tancho: relax, guys, relax. we could have your Devil’s curry here, you could franchise it, you know?

oldman: on second thoughts, i’ll forego the ter kwa for now and i‘ll go for the curry next time.

prata: who thinks this is discrimination in the highest order? kee chiu!

oldman: alright, i’ll pay for the curry i ate last friday.

tancho: and i’ll buy you the handmade fishball noodles.

prata: now that’s more like it.

oldman: you’re lucky already, you get to earn your keeps whilst tancho has to do with less.

prata: i could almost lose my life when we negotiated with the JRA you know?

tancho: we knew that those folks have no intention to kill, you had it better. folks are hungry for heads to roll. saw how it went for saw?

oldman: agree on all counts, we were all risk takers you know? unlike those bunch of nincompoop whom only wished they could be parachuted into the cushy jobs in my enterprise.

tancho: so, you have no retirement plans?

oldman: we all need the stimulus to keep us going you know?

prata: so glad i get to keep those stimulus. anyways, does your chai tow kwey have any XO sauce in it?

oldman: i wished that i had gone away from the scene when i was in my 60s but it’s all too late. doesn’t make it any better that wretched zhihau kept on reminding me of that study made on the mortality rate correlated against the age of retirement.

prata: and so my exit plan is still the best. we’ve all gone pass the point-of-no-return, haven’t we?

oldman: maybe i should put out a circular reminding those kutus not to mention anything on food. much as these twits wanting to connect with the grounds using items the common folks understand, they soon become cannon fodder for blundering up with the silliest mistakes.

tancho: woody came up with char kwey teow with eggs, didn’t he? see how well received the comments were?

prata: vivi’s comments on the hawker centre, food court and restaurant didn’t get any positive feedback. likewise for the high life French cooking course.

oldman: if anyone thought mee siam mai hum was funny, 10 bucks for a simple plate of chai tow kwey takes the kueh. those blokes at Sammyboys offered locations which served great chai tow kwey going at
satu setengah, albeit without the egg, some with egg for what ever that matters, 10 bucks is a rip off.

tancho: so you mean this plate of chai tow kwey is a rip off too?

prata: you silly goose, it’s alfresco food court settings, mind you. they should charge you 5 bucks for that plate. so it’s a 30% discount already.

oldman: cut away with those name callings, we have a more pressing issue at hand. we need to send out the cadres all at once to scout for new talents. how i wished i had men like Show Mao in my camp.

tancho: you mean our selection from the local scholars aren’t above the cut?

prata: i‘ll activate my men straight away. they are just a phone call away.

oldman: a good thing you didn’t run in the campaign last year, would be embarrassing to see the results if you contested.

tancho: that’s below the belt, boss.

prata: done! i really like this whatsapp function in my iPhone, can broadcast message to many with a click of a few buttons. what’s below the belt, i put my iPhone inside my waist pouch, which is below my belt by the way. what were you talking about?

tancho: *facepalm*
oldman: *shakes head in disbelief*

oldman: why isn’t the fishball noodles not coming? those mean looking fishball at half the size of a tennis ball could keep his mouth shut. look, there’s no time for wastage, i need new blood to rejuvenate my legacy and these blokes must be ready in 2 years to face the public.

prata: but how are we to locate men whom are public spirited and doesn’t mind the lost of their privacy? removing the top dollars would be disastrous when the time comes for the crunch. who would step out and serve?

tancho: haven’t you seen the post on Sham’s FB? some bloke wrote in and said Show Mao didn’t require a benchmark and yet he did it.

prata: we’re into exciting times, aren’t we? 5 decades of running a proper system in our education and we finally have critical thinkers amongst the young.

oldman: we need to lay our hands on the talents, leave no stones unturned, leave no blade of grass uncombed. no ifs and buts and we need to get the job done faster, cheaper and better. and when is your son coming up with the earth shattering research? he shall stand amongst us once his research papers are published.

tancho: i don’t know what to say.

prata: then just eat lah, dey. now where is my fishball noodles? still must service ah?

tancho: this is alfresco food court and not a restaurant you know? you go pick up your fishball noodles and self-serve and i‘ll give you a cone of kacang putih as a treat later.

 

[LITTLEREDDOT]

bro littlereddot had his Annals of the Dragon Prince. not able to reproduce here because bro dot haven't given the nod, is he even posting in here?

Dot is here. :p

The Annals so old already, who still wants to read?

Dotology: do dots have anuses?

 

[zhihau]

the Sammyboy Spirit shall prevail! :p:p:p

 

[Fook Seng]

tales of the Istana - rehashed

路邊攤, 30 Raffles Avenue, somewhere near the kacang putih store: 10.30pm, 24*C, slight breeze with old hokkien ballads permeating in the background.

When are you going to have the 4-man party instead of the 3-man one, sensing the keen interest in Sammyboy? You don't have much time left.

I would suggest having it in one of observatories at Gardens by the Bay. The Flower Dome is probably better for the health of the old gentlemen than the Cloud Forest. At least this will help to mitigate one final regret of not being able to change the climate of Singapore. By the way, how can I get a season pass to the Istana?

 

[JWNY]

i love scroobal's write-ups

 

[zhihau]

i love scroobal's write-ups

just wondering if scroobal had TCH's sprawling garden wired up... then we can hear more tales behind the sprawling garden...

 

[zhihau]

By the way, how can I get a season pass to the Istana?

bro,
last noted, it takes more than a village to raise a child. would it even be conceivable to achieve a 4-men party instead of the usual 3-men party?

 

[zhihau]

Dot is here. :p

me! :p:p:p me like to read!

 

[zhihau]

tales of the Istana - rehashed.

tales of the Istana - rehashed, par duex

Kim’s Famous Fried Hokkien Prawn Noodles, 62 Jalan Eunos, somewhere near the drink store: - 11.45pm, 32C, unusually warm but windy, sound of the traffic reverberating through the empty streets.

tancho: it is horrible, a nightmare of epic proportions! almost soiled myself and i don’t want to end up washing my own underwear at the toilet. can’t believe i needed Ah Neo to constantly prompt me on what i need to do. it's like shell shock i must add, couldn't hear the crowd chanting my name, couldn’t hear them cheering my arrival and i needed the constant pounding of the guns to keep my sanity checked and for the whole of last night during the reception, i kept pinching myself to make sure i wasn't dreaming.

prata: huh? you must be dreaming, i bet the folks are still expecting to see me after seeing my face for 12 straight years, trust me, those blur sotongs are never ready for change. boss would be out of the league if Sinkies are ready for any change. thought i heard the crowd chanting my name. then again, thought you were hosting the good folks from the Sammyboy land at 7pm? also heard that it was quite a spread for the buffet last night, wasn’t it? and how come i wasn’t invited?

tancho: the hokkien mee on me tonight. as i was saying, after all those hoolabaloo in the internet, i had to see it for myself, with my own eyes. i'm pretty sure 60% of the crowd were anxious to seek the truth for themselves too. bet your last penny that the transmission rate is at all time high last night and then suddenly dip after his arrival. besides, my body double can keep those fellas busy for at least a while. the good lads of Sammyboy can always wait, patience is their greatest virtue, resilience comes next.

prata: you kidding me? those guys at Sammy’s can smell a clone a mile and a half away, your body double will be exposed in no time. then again, i wanted to call you to help me place a bet with Scroobal at the old Jalan Besar Stadium yesterday, sickening that i can't use my phone after my iPhone got confiscated. i swear to my roti prata that i didn't get fresh with either one of those young couple at ECP, merely asked them to get cosy cosy. would have been richer by the thousands if i could place my bets.

tancho: you mean the guy i saw was another body double?! i seriously thought we ran out of his body doubles since the last one konked out a week back. we can’t be doing this forever. had to take a look at the Madame Tussauds’s collection personally to see where we are falling short of, you know?

prata: we can have something new when Pat comes up with anything new after all these years. i seriously think we’re soon running out of ideas and will be crazy enough to do anything ridiculously stupid. it’s your time, had done what i had to for the last decade or so. *taking a seeping on the Teh Tarik* so, what do you think can be done?

tancho: and why do you think i visited London? to see our pets winning the trophies for us? come on, after the pictures were released in Facebook, even Sammy Leong believes it was a body double with just one look! need to wait for ah boy to come up with the earth shattering research, what else? those buggers at Sammy are waiting too, especially JW5. till then, the solution will be at hand!

*rustling sound of the leaves on the ground*

old man: why you guys missed me?

 

[zhihau]

news from the Istana, some five months late... first posted 01-08-2012, original post here by cunnilaubu


Breaking News: President seriously wounded in botched hostage rescue attempt
By KONG Cheow Way ([email protected])
10 August 2012 04:30 am
The Straits Times (Singapore)
© Singapore Prick Holdings Ltd 2012


President Tony KFC was seriously injured in a failed hostage rescue attempt early this morning at the Istana. He is now warded at the Singapore General Hospital (SGH) in critical condition. A spokeperson from SGH informed the media that the President is comatose when he arrived at the hospital. A team of top surgeons led by Professor Chin Lee Hai is trying to resuscitate him.

The Prime Minister’s Office had issued a press statement at 2.00 am stating that the president was wounded in a cross fire between armed rebels and officers from the elite SAF Commando.

The statement stated that the President was hosting a party for members of the notorious dissident online forum, Sam’s AlfrescoHeaven, or commonly known as Sammyboy Forum (SBF) last evening.

Forummers at SBF were well known for their anti-establishment sentiments. The party was an effort by the President to reach out to all Singaporeans regardless of their political beliefs.

The statement stated that at about 10.00 pm last night, the Prime Minister was informed by the President’s aide-de-camp, Maj Cho Bo Lan that the President was been held hostage by a rebel militant group who called themselves the “SBF Bros”. It was understood that the rebels were armed with water pistol, culinary knives, glass bottles and other dangerous weapons.

After consultation with members of the National Security Directorate, the PM made the decision to storm the Istana. The PMO statement did not provide details of the rescue attempt and circumstances leading to the President’s injury.

It added that none of the rebels were captured during the raid. It was unclear as to how the rebels, believed to be about 50-strong, could all escape through tight security presence.

The statement added that the PM and the cabinet was told by the President that he was ill that evening and could not attend his first National Day Parade as a President. The PM was unaware that the he was hosting a private party instead.

Finally, it advised Singaporean to remain calm and that the government will spare no effort to bring the rebels to justice. It also reminded Singaporean that harbouring the rebels are serious criminal offence and that anyone with any information should contact the police immediately.

According to a televised report on CunalNewsAsia, an Istana gardener, Mr Chin Chia Heng informed reporters that he saw guest arriving at the Istana between as early as 4.30 pm and 7.00 pm. He said at about 6.55 pm, the President was personally at the Istana driveway to receive a noble looking and well dressed gentleman, whom he overheard the President addressing him as “Sammy”. He was one of only two guests whom the President welcomed personally. The other was one “Screw Ball”.

He said the names of the guests were unlike the usual Istana guests. Other names he overheard were “Golden Dragon”, “Alamak King”, “Raiders”, “Drifter”, “Ram Shack”, funny names like “Freaky Pie”, “Zed D” and obscene names like “Incest Bond”, Kan Ni Lau Bu”, “Chow Chee Bye”, "Erection", etc. He said he has never seen a congregation of so many personalities with such flamboyant names anywhere else let alone the Istana. He did not witness the alleged hostage taking as he had left for home at 8.00 pm. He was sad of the incident and wish the President speedy recovery.

Early this morning, reporter spoke to SBF’s resident political commentator, Mr God Meng Seng. Mr God claimed that he did not attend the Istana party as he thought it was a hoax. He said that SBF forummers are a bunch of lunatics spouting rubbishes day in day out and he did not think the President’s invitation was genuine.

However, he claimed that he was in Orchard Road at around midnight when he saw a large circular yellowish object hovering above the Istana. Shortly thereafter, he heard sounds resembling firecrackers. At first, he thought the President was having a mini firework for his own amusement. He now think that it must be an UFO that had rescued the SBF members. “Otherwise, how could they have escaped under tight security?” he lamented.

For comments, please write to [email protected]

Last edited by cunnilaubu; 01-08-2012 at 11:51 AM.

 

[Fook Seng]

Five months after the Istana incident, here is an update of the situation:

The President has recovered from his comatose but he has lost his signature KFC grin. The SBF Bros have gone into hiding under anonymous IDs. CPIB is looking for a seatless cyclist by the name of Sam Leong who is believed to be housing this band of rebels.

Mr God Meng Seng who was interviewed by Xin Min last night revealed that it could be the work of the Workers Party instigating the attack. He said he had proof. When pressed further for elaboration, he only gave a mysterious smile and said: "You will find out soon enough"

Translated from Early Papers

 

[kongkek]

wow this thread so long since 2008. very nice political satire

 

[zhihau]

Re: Tales of the Istana

Prata Man: I'll take it that I'm sharing my pot of curry with you then...

there's 'Cook and Share a pot of Curry 2013' on 17th Aug 2013!
let the aroma fill the air... ahhh...

 

[kaufen]

Let me try climbing over the Istana fence tonite and see if the 2 pricks are still at it. Hopefully something more interesting pops.

 

[scroobal]

Back of the guardhouse, its now late night, unusually nice weather plus cooling breeze.

Ghost of Old Man: I knew you would turn up. Long time bro, I think it is nearly 17 years since we met behind the guardhouse.

Ghost of Pres: I was just thinking of the old times, and wallah! I am here. Surprised to see you.

Ghost of Old Man: So how is life treating you in the afterlife? For me It has been sweetfuckall. I just pick a place when I wake up in the morning and head towards it and spend the whole day there just listening to people as they chat and go thru their daily life. Yesterday I was relaxing in Haji Lane. It's quite happening there. But I also spend some days in an opposition party meeting.

Ghost of Pres: I can understand Haji Lane, some great looking local chicks. Always loved Minahs and Ah Lians and now nearly all with tattoss. My batang already hormat thinking about it. But why Opposition Party meeting? Still interested in that stuff.

Ghost of Old Man: Just curious. When I stepped down in 1990, only 2 opposition candidates got in JBJ and Chiam. Since then 16 others have been elected. Singaporeans are smarter, prepared to cross the line especially the younger generation. But I was curious about the new candidates. I wanted to learn more.

Ghost of Pres: Boring as fuck. I rather wank and sing Majullah. I never liked politics. You asked me and I took it as an duty. Anywhere what do you think is going to happen in this GE. I am assuming we are in 2025.

Ghost of Old Man: Aljunied and Sengkang cannot be recovered. We found that out with Potong Pasir and Hougang. Residents were prepared to forgo all the perks and goodies we threw at them. I remember GCT tried to offer them lift upgrades and they told me him to fuck off. And the bugger Chiam did it even cheaper with his lift upgrades than the HDB arseholes.

Ghost of Pres: You think PAP is going to lose more.

Ghost of Old Man: I think one more GRC is going to fall. I now realise my mistake.

Ghost of Pres : What talking you. You fucking died in 2015. I saw you in that fucking coffin with my own eyes.

Ghost of Old Man: I made the mistake in 1988 when I came out with the GRC plan. I of course used the BS reason of protecting minorities. But made sure hard to get few good people to form a GRC. It did remarkably well in the first 2 decades. Also made the second mistake of high deposits to keep away Charlatans.

Ghost of Pres: I am listening boss but still liak boh que.

Ghost of Old Man: You were always fucking slow. I have no idea why I ever made you my fucking Intelligence Chief. Let me explain. If there were no GRC, no high deposit, every delusional man and his dog will contest. Imagine if 6 people from various parties and independents run in an SMC, the votes will be split and the PAP candidate will walk in. If there is a good opposition candidates, we can drown him out by ensuring our obedient media covers the remaining 4 clowns. These guys are hilarious.

Ghost of Pres: I now get it. Remember you made me Chairman SPH. Man those reporters and correspondents who overpaid would suck up to me whenever they saw. I was actually surprised these low lives would be ready to sell their soul for a condo.

Ghost of Old Man: WP no problem, PSP won’t make it, just too old in the eyes of the young voters. The rest no hope. You watch,, they will put their best candidates in a GRC team and not aim for any new SMC. I am sure Low is advising every move behind the scenes when it comes to elections. The guy is an excellent political mastermind.

Ghost of Pres: What about Chee?

Ghost of Old Man: Chee is one chap who will self-destruct as each day goes by the moment the nomination is closed until the day of the polls. I had people ask me then if he was our pawn. He was his own pawn.

Ghost of Pres: Makes no sense - his own pawn?

Ghost of Old Man: Remember he named his town councillors for Bukit Batok By elections prematurely before the polls closed. Voters immediately went into Linkedin and did other background checks. They were all a bunch of clowns. Guy is at not at all politically savvy.

Ghost of Pres: It explains why the party has never able to attract and retain quality members. PT is just too gullible.

Ghost of Old Man: When he was made bankrupt, and he refused to take public bus or MRT. I realised that he will not make it as he would not be able to connect with the ground. The guy is in another planet.

Ghost of Pres: Someone should talk to PT.

Ghost of Old Man: PT standing under WP banner is guaranteed MP. Unfortunately PT is another person who just don’t have the political nuance. He should chair an NGO, he will do well. Genuine guy.

Ghost of Pres: Can I raise something sensitive, your house.

Ghost of Old Man: That CB daughter in law of mine and her intention to make her son the future PM. I spoke to the kid, he told me not his game. My other grandson is game but ended up in purgatory. Don’t about it. Let talk about what we both like - good food.

Ghost of pres: Now you talking boss. On the side of Cuppage, there is a mama shop selling prata. I am dying for one.

Ghost of Old Man: Game on bro. Just a short walk. Lets go. I heard they give sambal plus the dalcha curry. I am also going for the Soup Kambing.

Walking out of the Istana Gates

Ghost of Old Man: Bro, did you here about Kishore going rogue?

Ghost of Pres: Yeah, sad. Imagine getting snared by your staff. He was so sino centric and lost the fucking plot.

Ghost of Old Man: Yeah sad. Lost all his privileges and his access clearance. Tommy gave him a small office in his Institute so not to embarrass him. By the way, what about motherfucker Scroobal. Radio silence. You think he died?

Ghost of Pres: I still think he was one of us. There is no way he knows so much.

Ghost of Old Man: Bloody Leongsam is protecting him. These ACS boys are all entitled pricks.

Outside Prata shop, Cuppage

Ghost of Old Man: Brother, prata due, curry champo.

Ghost of Old Man : ( In tamil) two roti Telur with bawang.