Tales of the Istana thread

[JWNY]

All your favourite Scroobal entries here

Tales From the Istana - Part I.

At the back of the Istana's guard house, 11 pm, temperature of 23 degrees centigrade, slight breeze, with the smell of Mt Faber Nasi Lemak wafting through the air.

Prata Man: Evening Boss, nice night for a good drag of "Beedi". Heaven man, Heavan!

Old Man: Spare me one bro. Bad fucking day. Starhub signal keeps dropping out. I just don't know why we pay them good money for.

Prata Man: You mean, you actually pay cable bill? Serious!

Old Man: Aiyah, just figure of speech lah.

Prata Man: Tell your daughter-in-law, its her company what.

Old Man: I already fed up with my son and now his wife. Where does it stop?

Prata Man: I knew it. Just can't have a good drag under the stars, with nice Teh Gayong without you coming out with state problems again. Whats now?

Old Man: Well, he fucked up the succession plan, didn't he? Fucking 49 years the PAP has been in power and for the first time he tells the country that they are in trouble in finding a leader. I should not have listened to Choo and left him by himself.

Prata Man: I don't get it. You guys spend half your time looking for top talents with so many people involved. I can't see how we can slip up. Are his standards high?

Old Man: Bro, its not the standards. Its the other traditional pre-requisites. At first we thought it was the usual reluctance to be involved in politics. Its not the pay either, as we fixed that up. Its something we never expected.

Prata Man: What Boss? They are gay?

Old Man: Bro, you are really behind time. Gays are perfectly acceptable just don't tell the Ah Pek generation. Its their families.

Prata Man: What about their families?

Old Man: Every potential candidate has a son or a daughter that has migrated, working overseas and unlikely to return or in some cases kids and the mum are permanently based overseas while the guy is working here. They are leaving Singapore. And leaving for good!

Prata Man: Holy shit! Jesus, when did this all happened?

Old Man: Last 5 years. People are leaving by the droves.

Prata Man: But we made sure we look after the Elites by designating good class bungalows, high salaries, etc

Old Man: Its not them, its their kids. Its something I suspected for sometime during our annual cabinet family members gathering at Sri Temasek Poolside. I see less of the kids. As is customary, its a must for all family members to attend. They give me bullshit excuses like the kid has toothache, sprained ankle, music exam practice, etc. I suspect that they are overseas.

Prata Man: No wonder Loong talked about those kids going overseas. Boss, you want me to activate my old intelligence contacts to look for them.

Old Man: Don't be fucking stupid. We can't even find Mas Selmat. Even more embarrassing is the Ahmad Mattar affair which the whole world knew. You want to do what?

Prata Man: Maybe the search was not thorough.

Old Man: Believe me we were thorough. I even called up Chee, Low and Chiam and asked them about their recruitment drives since we are in the same business. They too have the same problem. Chee told me the young people are not interested in Singapore politics. They are more interested in social activism like human rights, fighting for the poor, 3rd world. He told me those that can afford it, pay to join Greenpeace ship to fight whalers or attend G7 demonstration, etc. Some even go Hong Kong to attend demonstrations. Those who can't afford gather outside the Parliament House and purposely get themselves arrested in order to enjoy free food and lodging in our world class prisons.

Prata Man: What did Low tell you? He managed to get some Chiobus for the last General Elections. I am sure there will be more.

Old Man: Alamak, Low got even bigger problems! Its seem they never heard of WP. They thought that after Francis and Tang left, the party closed down. He even said that Hougang residents thought their town council was run by Chiam as he is always talking about town council matters.

Prata Man: Chalat!. Like that how?

Old Man: Bro, there is something that came to me as I was walking here. Please keep it to yourself for the moment. I am seriously thinking about migrating to Perth. What do you think?

Prata Man: (Cough, Cough, Cough ... almost choked) What!.

Old Man: Its not like the Singapore we know. There are just too many foreigners. This place is getting too crowded. I fought with Cabinet and told them that 5 million is the limit. They insisted on 7 million. Now I find out these arseholes have no problem because their kids are emigrating and they will end up leaving the country eventually. Now you should know why those arseholes kept pestering you and me to endorse their salary raise and we had to bullshit in Parliament in order to defend their indefensible craps for justifications.

Prata Man: Boss, I am absolutely devastated. First, I sucked up to the British. Then, I sucked up to the Japanese. Then I'd to suck up to you. Now you want me to suck up to an Aussie? When will this stop?

Old Man: Come, lets go down to Prince Philip Avenue and talk about how to apply for emigration while we wallop Mt Faber Nasi Lemak. The smell from the guardhouse is getting to me.

Prata Man: You got money first or not? This time I am not paying until you pay me back $14 for the Ikan bakar and kambing soup at Bedok Corner last week.

Old Man: Don't worry bro, this time I brought my wallet. I thought it will be a long night. After Supper, we walked down Tanglin Road, reach Australian Embassy and talk cock until morning opening. I heard application form is $12. Then pop over to Glen Eagles, do medical checkup for emigration, late brunch, then head home.

Prata Man: You are the Man!

 

[JWNY]

Tales From The Istana - Part 2.

Behind the Istana guardhouse, 10.30 pm, temperature 24 degrees Celsius, strong winds buffeting the palm fronds and a few crickets were chirping.

Old Man : Bro, heard from your Mrs that you going on holiday by yourself.

Prata Man: Oh, oh ..... yeah, just trying to fight my inner demons by doing something decent so as to sleep at night.

Old Man: You are not heading to Oz without telling me, are you?

Prata Man: You probably won't believe this but I have decided to do something before its too late. I am trying to stop the Olympic Torch relay. I did nothing in Singapore when you ruled Singapore with an iron fist. I did nothing when you covered Burma from the 1st world when the Burmese needed us to throw their tyrants out. This is my last opportunity to be part of history.

Old Man: Bro, you are becoming mellow with age. Don't you get it, some of us are more equal than others. It's in the nature of things. It can't be helped.

Prata Man: Here, take a Beedi. You will need it as I have decided to have a rational argument with you, even if it kills me.

Old Man: Don't go soft on me, bro. We have had a long history from the days of the Japanese Occupation.

Prata Man: Listen! And listen good, Old Man. Its time that someone tell you that you are missing your clothes. You fucking stupid or what? That JI guy escaped and how the hell is it that it is the fault of Singaporeans. Patrick Daniel needs to be given 12 strokes of the cane for carrying that rubbish.

Old Man: Whoa, Bro, take it easy .....

Prata Man: Don't fucking stop me. I am speaking here. Lets face it. That son of yours can't carry the can. You either cut him loose or the whole family gets buried together with your legacy. I've got to say that guy goes missing every time there is an issue.

Old Man: Ok, ok, I am listening. Lets get it out and thrash this tonite.

Prata Man: Am I to believe that there is no one who can lead the nation? What exactly is your son well known for? What are his achievements? What bridge did he build? What mark did he leave behind? If I draw a line in the sand now, his claim to fame would be zilch, except for his link to you and returning a small portion of taxpayers' money back to the taxpayers. Thats about it. And you are telling me that there is no one who can lead? Singaporeans hear you speak up more than him. How to be a real leader like that?

Old Man: Ok, we have issues. We can't just let this come out in the open. Its about confidence in the Government. Have you forgotten that the Stock Market dived when Loong's cancer was announced?

Prata Man: Guess what? It might just shoot up, if you dropped him now!

Old Man: Look bro, I know you are mad. But ... but we got to be rational about this. We need good man and we need them now!

Prata Man: Well, who screwed it up big time in the first place? Your sledgehammer approach to opposition politics has killed political awareness. Your approach to limiting leaders to perfect As scholars has ruled a whole swathe of society with a tiny eligible pool to fish from. Now that pool has been hit by a drought with water levels standing at 3/4 full, due to brain drain. The remaining talent will of course be of a lower quality than the ones who emigrated. Maybe you want to call Patrick Daniel again and tell him that Singaporeans are to blame for this as well?

Old Man: What do you suggest I do?

Prata Man: For a start, build a gas chamber and put all those in the States Times in it. Give your son 90 days to pull up his socks, failing which he is out. How do you think the private sector works? We gave them private sector pay, why can't we fire them like private sector does?

Old Man: Hello, smartly over-sized pants! Then who is going to take over?

Prata Man: You gave speeches saying how Kim San had an eye for leaders. How the whole process of selection works for so many years. The Pyramid Club and what nots. Well, aren't the guys who are in the current Cabinet from that exact same process? Kim San did not do the last Elections but none of them in that cohort are in the Cabinet at the moment. So what went wrong?

Old Man: Look bro, they may have been great prospects but the fire sort of died down for some.

Prata Man: Of course, the fire will die down. There is nothing to look forward to. Their salaries are the highest in the world. There is no incentives left for them to work harder. You are still pulling the ropes, so the non-financial rewards will not go their way.

Old Man: Hey, bro, where do you get all these ideas from? Its not like you, man.

Prata Man: Just go to Sammyboy. It's all there. One of them suggested a complete overhaul for opposition parties and I think the same should apply here. You got nothing to lose.

Old Man: I thought so too. Hey, is it true that QXP is Bin? On the day it came out, Choo cycled all the way to NLB to confront him. In her wheelchair of course.

Prata Man: Don't anyhow say unless you have irrefutable proof. That Scroobal fellow is a fraud, a conman and good for nothing degenerate prostitute of the highest order. Don't ever listen to him.

Old Man: Bro, I am careful of Sammyboy. They are worst than me. They ban you without telling anything. At least I am man in enough to bankrupt people in court personally. Anyway I stopped pasting photos at Sammyboy because of the current oppressive culture.

Prata Man: You are not post-news, are you? He's missing for a while. And didn't your YPAP Forum doing the same thing - suka suka ban people without warning?

Old Man: No comments.

Prata Man: What kind of political tactic is that? Bankrupting political opponents? Might as well stuff the ballot boxes. Never seen anything like this anywhere in the world. Go to The Online Citizen and read for yourself what a stir you have caused throughout the cyberspace.

Old Man: Ok, Ok. I will talk to my son. Don't have too high hopes. There are 2 women behind the scene who can crush our balls hard and proper.

Prata Man: Ahhh! That reminds me, why got no woman in the Cabinet.

Old man: Oh fuck, bro ... give me a break man. All I wanted was a bit of peace tonight, a Beedi and a stiff teh tarik.

Prata Man: I am tired too. It's like talking to a water buffalo.

Old Man: Bro, there is still time. We can catch the last No. 14 outside Plaza Singapura and go to Lorong 29 for the Hokkein Mee.

Prata Man: Old man, No 14, goes to Katong, my home town, not to Geylang.

Old Man: Eh, blur sotong, the reason why I run the country and you are only a ceremonial head is because I know where everything is. The terror who ran the Lorong 29 Hokkein Mee stall has gone to heaven and his business has been divided between his 2 sons. The drier version is now at East Coast Road, near tje Telok Kurau junction. Caprice or something? Some more no need to eat with the chillies.

Prata Man: Ok, if we go Dutch I'll go with you. I need a stiff drink after venting my spleen also.

Old Man: After the meal, we can walk to the Old Joo Chiat Police Station. There is a couple of pubs there and I heard it's happening.

Prata Man: Boss, you're into Pinoy?

Old Man: Baduah, I am talking about Old Joo Chiat Police Station. Remember, we went to wallop Samy's masala chicken with our mate Othman some time ago? The Pinoys are at Paramount lah.

Prata Man: Boss, no harm chatting with Pinoys mah. Just buy them drinks and maybe they can solve some of your problems? They are also Foreign Talents, you know?

Old Man: Hey, bro, I think your wife was right. She told Choo that during weekends at your Ceylon Road home, you claim to go for long walks after midnight. She thinks you're doing the Viet chicks instead.

Prata Man: No comments. Lets go before we miss the bus.

 

[JWNY]

(by Scroobal, Sammyboy’s resident playwright laureate)

Episode 1

11.35pm, master bed room, Sri Temasek Annex. Aircon set at 18 degrees.

Ah Choo: Hey, old man, still on the PC. Lately you have been coming to bed late. Last night you were on marathon session right?

Old Man: Aiyah, don’t disturb me, got important things to do.

Ah Choo: What’s so important. Loong is already running the country and he has told you to butt out.

Old Man: Aiyah! Who is talking about the country? It’s the idiots in Sammyboy that causing me heartache.

Ah Choo: Again Sammyboy. Told you many times, it is addictive. Remember when I got hooked and ended up fighting with the old warhorse QXP.

Old Man: No lah, it not the guys who don’t like the PAP. It’s the so called PAP supporters.

Ah Choo: Why? They are still trying to carry balls?

Old Man: They got great difficulty explaining policies. In fact they don’t explain at all. They keep using the same set of approaches. You know lah, the usual - not happy get out of the country, stop whining, do something, don’t blame the PAP for everything, I am great and I can get the country out of any mess. If tomorrow I make a press release that pigs fly, they will be there defending it.

Ah Choo: Aiyah! It must be the YPAP fellas again. Can’t blame them, they are enthusiastic and eager. You know how it is. It like religious converts, they are more gungho about the religion than those that were born in the religion. Since they have knowingly made the choice, they will be very paiseh to say that they got it wrong.

Old Man: By now most of the YPAP know they will never be allowed to join the main party. They don’t have the mind and the IQ for anything higher. I told Vivien recently that we have to up the age limit of the YPAP from 40 to 45yrs as we did some years ago from 35 to 40yrs to contain them if not I will bags of letters when they reach 40 to let them join the main party.

Ah Choo: If they are so interested in politics and the real PAP don’t want them, why don’t they join the opposition parties.

Old Man: You are quite thick up there. They can’t even explain simple policies, you expect them to stand for elections. The other parties also don’t want them. They are merely followers who will back the winning horse. If we lose the election, they will switch to the winning party in a matter of minutes.

Ah Choo: Do you think that we will win the elections. Is the ground the sweet?

Old Man: After 45 years, you still think the ground must be sweet. It is us that decide if the ground is going to be sweet. Anyway I told Loong that he is on his own. Hey, don’t distract me. I need to concentrate on Sammyboy.

Ah Choo: What can you do on Sammyboy?

Old Man: I am trying to find out if anyone out there can explain our policies well. In fact there are a couple of critics who give us a thrashing on some policies but understand other policies and explain it well to others. Unfortunately on the PAP side, we got imbeciles.

Ah Choo: Are they the usual lot from the time that I was addicted to Sammyboy.

Old Man: No lah! After a while, they get bored of their silly replies and go away. There’s couple of new ones recently and some have been on a wild goose chase. One of the forumers told this PAP supporter that Singapore wants to make Johore its 2nd state and that guy is asking for proof. How gullible can you be?

Ah Choo: Hey! What about my good friend QXP? Is he still upset with us?

Old Man: No change, QXP is still at it. At first, I was upset with him and now I like him very much. He is such a lovable character. Do you know that practically every of his posting has our family name on it? How good is that?

Ah Choo: Hey, have you written in before?

Old Man: Only one time but embarrassing lah. That fella Sammy told me to use “Advice” and not “Advise.” I told him that I was cambridge educated and he told me “big fucks”…… Ok, Ok, please go away. Got one interesting thread about MRT not acting on a suspicious bag left on a carriage.

 

[JWNY]

Episode 2

Behind the Guardhouse. Time 11.30pm. Cool breeze blowing easterly

Nathan: Boss, can’t sleep again?
Old Man: Ya lah. I am so tired yet I can’t sleep.

Nathan: Boss, the fellas got Teh Tarik, you want some?

Old Man: Might as well.

Old Man: Hei, not bad, Adam Road one right.

Nathan : Ya Lah, Lucky when they were building the flyover, you intervened, if not the numbskulls would have removed the stalls all together.

Old Man: What to do? Everything must step in if not they will screw up.

Nathan: Why don’t you cut the rope and let them swim. They will learn from their mistakes

Old Man: Bro, we are both past 80, time to relac, eat lontong and talk cock. No, we are still looking after the country. We have to.

Nathan: Boss, you are the one that asked me to stay. I did not want the job.

Old Man: Bro, no one wants the job. You know Ah Goh and me, asked so many people, all turned us down. The only person we did not ask is TT Durai. Why do you think we raised the salary just before the term ended? It was not for you, we were hoping that someone will be attracted by the increased pay.

Nathan: What about the fella from JTC?

Old Man: Actually, we were very happy. He look like ultra keen, desperate to do grassroot work. In fact he fitted the profile. Unfortunately after the Hyflux affair, I thought better not - he might resign shortly after being appointed. This guy job hops worst than a fucking rabbit. I already got screwed by Devan and TC, cannot afford another embarrassment.

Nathan: Like that how? We’re both stuck here until we die.

Old Man: Ya Lah. Hei, at least you not so bad, you are learning Mandarin, you must look forward to it.

Nathan: Are you mad? I nearly died learning Japanese to survive and now Mandarin?

Old Man: Why did you take it up?

Nathan: You wanted me to run for President, an elected office and you expect me to go to the electrorate with the nothing. In case, you did not notice, other than Mandarin there is nothing else I offered. Even if a deaf and dumb fella run for the post, he will probably get it.

Old Man: Anyway, you watch, I will change it back to an appointed office. You know what, since we are stuck here, let get some food. I know Devan kept his wigs in the guard house. Lets use them and go out.

Nathan: Where you want to go?

Old Man: Lets head to Dawoods for roti prata and bit of soup kambing.

Nathan: Aiyah, Adam Road is nearer.

Old Man: No lah, Ah Goh and Jaya frequent the place. Its the second team’s favourite hangout. I Know the fellas from East Coast think that they are so hip but what.

Nathan: I stay in East Coast.

Old Man: If you are hip, I am into grunge.

Nathan: Anyway, which driver you want to use?

Old Man: Take cab, bro. Anywhere most of the cabbies are now ex-corporate and Uni grads and you know how cabbies are , they know everything.

Nathan: No need to tell me, when I ran ISD, I spent more time on cabs getting info than from my own staff.

Nathan: You got money or not? I am wearing sarong, no place to keep wallet.

Old Man: I got credit card. After the SIA incident, I thought better pay my way, if not they will crucify me.

Nathan: Your card from DBS?

Old man: Don’t be stupid lah, mine is from Citibank. DBS service is fucked up. 25 years we protected them, don’t know what they did all this while. Gave them POSB, still no improvement. Only thing I haven’t given them is my blood. Everytime I see the UOB’s Wee, he gives me the sniggering look, hinting that I have no clue about banking. Even this year, he outperformed DBS. Some more, he got no scholars at all. How come.

Nathan: Don’t mind me saying so, but all the GLCs are fucked up.

Old Man: No need to tell me, that day, I screwed them about the Changi Airport consortium. Really no balls.

Nathan: Why don’t you ask Philip to run DBS?

Old Man: That guy is only good for removing red tape from bureaucracy. Once the red tape is removed he seriously don’t know what to do next. Remember we gave him Sembawang to run and he went and bought Delifrance. Neville Watson must have cringed. I still trying to find out how he connected shipyard to croissants.

Nathan: Better make call booking for cab, if not they will not pick us up. Bloody hell! I am so hungry. I can smell the soup kambing from here.

 

[JWNY]

Episode 3

Ante Room: Last night at 7.15pm, Temp 21C

Old Man: Bro, got sometime to chat. Need to talk badly.

Pres: The Mrs is going back to Ceylon Rd tonight for the weekend. I can tell her that I need to review the national accounts. See you behind the guardhouse at 11pm.

Old Man : Ok.

Behind Guardhouse: 11pm, 23C, north easterly blowing gently

Pres: What’s up boss, you look tired.

Old Man: Can’t sleep for the last few nights.

Pres: It’s the dialogue, isn’t it?

Old Man: No lah! It’s Sylvia Lim.

Pres: I too think that she is a chio bu. Sometime can’t sleep myself.

Old man: Don’t be an idiot! Get your mind out of the gutter! By the way, the only Chio Bu is Glenda Han.

Pres: What about Sylvia?

Old man: Her silence is deafening. She literally body slammed Hen and now he started to stammer at cabinet meeting. He is thinking of becoming a priest. He thought he can make her talk about the manifesto.

Pres: Got to admit, the manifesto looks good. We should have kept quiet.

Old Man: we thought they will be like JB and Chee who will launch into a tirade which we will then customarily break down. She basically told Hen to fuck off and get his own manifesto!

Pres: I told you in 1981, that someone will figure out the game sooner or later. Imagine, even in the latest press interview, she talked about everything under the sun except politics. One smart bitch.

Old Man: I screwed the shit of that stupid nephew- in- law of mine. How come they did not talent spot her.

Pres: Aiyah! They would have missed her out completely. You spent the last 20 years picking scholars.

Old Man: No lah, every GE we pick a few chinese helicopters.

Pres: Yah lah! Besides academic performers, helicopters and party ball carriers, there is no other category. There is a broad stratum of society that you have missed out completely.

Old man: Ok, ok thanks for the lesson on representational politics. I badly need help. If Loong does badly, my life will be a living hell. Choo will fry me for breakfast.

Pres: look, there is no way that the party can loose. The opposition will retain their 2 current seats and gain one more. The chicku man can continue to wait under the tree, Sitoh needs to get a brain transplant, come on…., bribing with food? What kind of strategy is that? The only way that you can take back Potong Pasir is for Ah Goh to publicly slap Sitoh silly. Frankly you are insulting the residents’ intelligence.

Old Man: Which seat will we loose? Tell me Bro. I will go there and do house to house.

Pres: Please lah boss! After the dialogue with the young Singaporeans, even if you kiss their assES, it’s not going to help. You will be hard pressed to sell koyok. The vote has reached a new generation that don’t take kindly to bullshit and fairy tales.

Old man: What fairy tales?

Pres: Your stories about riding the Tiger. The last I heard, Lenin, Mao and Stalin are ancient history. Chin is suntanning in a Thai peace village. China is riding the dollar bill. Lim Chin Siong and Devan passed away. Remember NKF and Durai’s downfall was precipitated by a petition initiated by an NSman. Our Generation failed. In fact, when the writing was on the wall, Mrs Ah Goh and your daughter-in-law supported him. Fuck, we did nothing, absolutely nothing despite regulations to intervene in place.

Old Man: But the dialogue was a success. The journalists there wrote favourable articles.

Pres: Hello! At the start of the dialogue, they asked for a level playing field. In the middle of the dialogue, they asked for a level playing field. At the end of the dialogue, they asked for a level playing field. One, even told you to contribute out of the cabinet. For the very first time, you failed to convince anyone of them. Go watch the tape again. What happenned to you - you suddenly turned deaf and dumb.

Old man: But the favourable articles the next day.

Pres: Remember when I first retired, you made me Chairman of SPH, to keep an eye on them. Instead of wasting resources and time keeping track of everyone, once a week, I would ask a journalist walking along the corridor if I had lost weight. Guess what? Every single one of them said yes. I knew then that our job was done. You yourself said that they are world best paid journalist.

Old man: For heaven’s sake, which seat are we going to loose? Is it Aljunied?

Pres: No Lah, George is safe. I will tell you on nomination day when they file their papers.

Old Man: You mean some of the key players have not made up their mind.

Pres: Yes, they are playing the game well. Look, more Singaporeans know more about Sylvia, Steve, Glenda and a host of other opposition characters then your new slate of 24 newbies. Every single one of them looks like a clone, talks like a clone and we are not sure if they going to last more than one term. They are supposed to represent a generation that grew up with starbucks and playstations. Yet during walkabout, they drink Kopi Si and Teh Si at kopitiam.

Pres: What’s more, the 23 that had to step down claimed that they made the decision to step down citing family, work etc. Its worse then pigs flying, the party credibility is shot to pieces.

Pres: Boss, feeling thirsty and a bit hungry, let get some supper. We can talk over a hot cup of teh tarik

Old Man: I think I need Teh Halia, more kuat than usual.

Pres: Let’s ask the security detail.

Old man: No way, after that mad girl gave away her gun, I scared one.

Pres: Ok, let’s scale the wall

Old man: How the hell can a fat bastard like you climb a wall?

Pres: Ok lah, take the side gate and wear Devan’s wigs. Outside Siglap and Adam Rd, I am not familiar with the food.

Old Man: Lets go to Koek Road, the teh tarik is good. It’s just across the street, just have to dash across CTE. Next to it, the bbq stingray at Cuppage Plaza is a killer. Also it’s a good opportunity to get some feedback from the man in the street.

Pres: You really lost the plot. What man in the street? The only man in the street is an FT! Singaporeans are staying at home not able to spend as they have been retrenched or they are driving taxis or studying hard to get a scholarship or learning a new skill or having an RC meeting to get lobang.

Old man: What about the hawkers?

Pres: Aiyah, they are all Malaysians with PRC helpers. The fucking mama selling Teh Tarik is the only Singaporean and even he goes back to India every year to complete building a big house back in his village. He can’t be bothered about HDB, CPF or medicare. Some more no Singapore women would allow their husband to venture out at night in case they get raped by China MeiMeis

Old man: How to get feedback then?

Pres: I get mine from Sammyboy.

Old man: Sammyboy again! I know, I know, there are great contributors and there are arseholes but are they really a true sounding board.

Pres: Oh Fuck, even SPH gets some of its scoop from it. More people have corresponded with Goh Meng Seng than any MP. Just tolerate some of the characters in it. By the way, the old warhorse QXP is still there singing your family anthem. Then there is this guy who is fixated with Chee’s wife. My favourite is Johnboy who gives as good as he gets.

Old Man: The only advice that I take is from Lambaste’s grandmother.

Pres: Hey! How come I always wear the wig that has a reddish streak?. I look gay!

Old Man: I say, we should have asked Othman Wok for some spare wigs. That guy has got the best set. By the way, make sure your sarong doesn’t get caught by the side gate. The last time, my singlet got ripped by it.

Pres: Boss, please tell me you brought money this time.

Old man: Bloody hell we raised your salary, didn’t we?

Pres: Hey, you mentioned that we have to cross the CTE. Imagine if an ex- banker who is a taxi driver spots us, we are dead. Sure ram us down.

Old man: I got an idea. Lets hold hands, they might think that we are a gay couple and leave us alone. Hurry, I can smell the stingray.

 

[JWNY]

Episaode 4

Last night , Sri Temasek, cloakroom - 7.30pm Temp 22 C

Old Man: psst, psst

Pres: Huh

Old Man: Over here, meet me tonight, same place, same time

Pres: Waah lau ehh, I thought it was Shenton Thomas’ ghost. OK will see you there.

Behind Guardhouse at 11pm, Temp 24C, dead calm

Pres: Boss, what’s with the cloakroom?

Old Man: I will explain later. Firstly I want you to be completely honest with me.

Pres: Boss, I have served you over 44 yrs, know of only one boss and that’s you.

Old Man: Are you the one writing the Istana tales in Sammyboy.

Pres: Bloody Hell, I thought it was you. All the time I thought it was you.

Old man: Why would I want to air my views thru a sex forum?

Pres: Look, I have been smoking beedi behind the guardhouse from the 1st week of my first term. You know my wife will brutalise me if she caught me smoking. The only time, the Tales appear is when I talk to you.

Old Man: You mean, there are others that join you behind the guardhouse.

Pres: Panjang used to come until he gave up his PMship. However he only comes to eat Orluck and Kway Chap. He gets his driver to buy Kway Chap from Blanco Court and the Orluck from Hup Kee at Newton Circus. Orluck on Tuesdays and Kway Chap on Thursday without fail except when he goes overseas. I also shiok, join in. Now you know why I put on so much weight.

Old man: If it is not you, then who? Anyway, the Ah Pek from Blanco Court has gone to Serangoon Gardens.

Pres: Aiyah, when Tengku threw us out of Malaysia, both sides put in so many bugs that we could not find all of them.

Old man: That time got bugging device meh.

Pres: Yah lah, they used to be the size of a palm so we had to bury it into the ground.

Pres: Aiyah nothing to worry. Nobody believes the things in a sex site forum anyway.

Old Man: Friend, that site gets about 48K hits a day. That is big.

Pres: So what? Have you seen some of the idiots in the Sammyboy?. If you say something, they want proof, copy of the orginal letter etc. This is despite what the whole world knows as common knowledge. That’s the beauty of the forum the smart ones get the message and it is also the smart ones that get their message thru.

Old Man: Come to think of it, we are both past 80 and have nothing to loose.

Old man: Ok, now more importantly I have found the solution to the Sylvia Lim problem.

Pres: Tell me, this I got to hear.

Old Man: Before I tell you the solution there are couple of unanswered questions that I need answers to.

Pres: What?

Old man: How come at Koek Rd last night, the China meimeis were talking to you and ignored me?

Pres: Firstly they are Peidu mamas, the meimeis are at geylang, joo chiat and all the night spots. Secondly they thought you were a banana because of your ascent. For god’s sake, you can drop the name Harry but you still speak like a Cambridge graduate. The ladies are only interested in Singapore old men with CPF.

Old Man: I can’t help it. How you think we got the British to give us Independence?

Pres: There you go again, talking about war stories. You have to be relevant to this generation.

Old Man: Aiyah, that’s my solution, to be relevant to the new generation. You were right, the dialogue was bad. You remember Jamie Han?

Pres: Sure do. Who doesn’t?

Old man: That guy gave me both barrels and was cool as a cucumber. He did not bat an eyelid. The best part is that he is not a scholar nor was he overseas trained. He is however academically an achiever having scored honours in history. Singaporeans will love him.

Pres: You want Jamie Han to join the PAP?

Old man: That’s the reason I was in the cloakroom. I was using the phone to call him without anyone knowing.

Pres: Any luck?

Old Man: His Mother keeps answering the phone and everytime I introduce myself, she says that she is Zoe Tay and slams down the phone.

Pres: Boss, did you see Zoe Tay’s abs? Kilat. My brother immediately mari kita, some more wear sari.

Old Man: Bro, can you keep your shrivelled up dick in your pants and pay attention?

Pres: What did you expect Jamie’s mum to say?

Old Man: How then to contact Jamie?

Pres: What makes you think that he will want to join the PAP? He was all brimstone and fire. He is not going to change overnight like that skinny idiot.

Old Man: I am going to give him free rein. He does not have to wear white, drink teh si and suck up. That guy has got balls and he does not suffer fools easily.

Pres: You know what, the balls carriers at that time also called him rude and impolite like what they are doing to the dialogue participants.

Old Man: There you have it. We just found the missing generation, the ones to take Singapore to the next level. If he does not want to join the pap, I will lower all the barriers, level the playing field and get these guys to jump into the Political cauldron. I am convinced that they will not sink and will do the country proud.

Pres: Boss, you are bringing tears to my eyes. Reminded me of the old days when we were all young, with the British, the Malayans and the Indonesian giving us not a ray of hope.

Pres: What about the PAP?

Old Man: If they are really good they have nothing to fear. Even if they don’t measure up, they will make an effective opposition.

Pres: Finally a 2 party state. These are exciting times.

Old man: Don’t get your hopes up, we still need to get past Zoe Tay, I mean Jamie’s mum.

Pres: You know when we lost the 3 amigos, I thought we as a nation was a goner.

Old man: What 3 amigos?

Pres: Aiyah, Cheng Bock, Kai Yuen and Soo Khoon. They were the ones that asked the hard questions, kept the ministers and the scholarly Mandarins in check. It was a big mistake. You know the 3 of them did more than anyone else for the last 20 years.

Old Man: Yah, I remember Cheng Bock crucified Philip Yeo over the Horn Lee / scholarship issue. Look I don’t run the show.

Pres: Come on. Even during the dialogue, the guy told you about pulling the strings. When the Malaysian SIA pilot Ryan Goh, tried to be funny, you came out swinging. I was smoking behind the guardhouse and I saw the pilots leaving, it was like watching a funeral cortege.

Pres: You think we can make it to Chomp Chomp for the Kway Chap.

Old Man: No lah, close by now. Let’s go back for the stingray.

Pres: We only go back for the stingray if you promise not to squeeze the lime dry. That lime is for taste. Your whole life, you must squeeze until there is nothing to squeeze.

Old man: Ok lah. Anyway, I brought money this time. I also want to use the public phone to try to get Jamie.

Pres: Good luck with the phone. There will be a long queue as every bangla, pinoy, croatian, russian. english, american FTs is calling home.

Old man: English and Americans are expats, they don’t need to use the public phone.

Pres: You are really out of touch. Why you think the locals are unhappy? We even give employment pass to rednecks from Alabama, whose life is a pendulumn swinging between a fart and a burp while holding a Budweiser!

Old Man: Aiyah hurry up!

Pres: Give me 10 minutes, I need to change to a new sarong. I don’t want the Peidu mamas to think I got no class.

Old man: I too better change my singlet. That reminds me, we need to talk about Joo Chiat and Soo Sen when we reach there.

 

[sunny302]

Ha..Ha...Ha.....simply outstanding ..More pls

 

[JWNY]

Episode 5

Behind the guardhouse: 11pm, 26C, high humidity, still air

Pres: Where the hell did you come from? You scared the shit out of me, Boss!

Old Man: Relax Bro! I followed the fence line. Did not want Choo to see me, took a new route.

Pres: I thought it was time to meet my maker when you emerged from the bush. What’s up? Long time no see.

Old Man: Yah lah, after election, had to make some overseas trips. Give me a chance to rethink my approach to the post 65 generation

Pres: Boss, forget about courting any generation. Follow me to East Coast in the morning - you can chuci mata until your remaining hormones start moving again.

Boss: Jayakumar also told me the same thing.

Pres: The guy goes there to roller skate with his mini skirt shorts. After all this time, still slower than Malayan railways.

Old Man: Hey, I got some serious stuff to talk about and its always sex and food with you.

Pres: Ok lah! Ok lah! What you want to talk about?. Bad English, casinos, bloggers, price hike, education ???

Old Man: Hmmm….. bloggers. Did you read today’s article by the prick from ST about bloggers and journalist?

Pres: Did I read it?! I rolled on the floor laughing my guts out when I read the article during breakfast. Nearly choked and had to cancel my jog at East Coast. My wife thought I pengsan already

Old Man: Pleez…, your security details told me, you walk a little but talk alot when you go East coast.

Pres: At least I walk faster than the roller-blading speedy gonzalez.

Old Man: Yah Bro, I too was taken aback when I read the article. Instead of talking about bloggers and what they put out, he painted journalism as a nobel profession with Mother Theresa like qualities. I nearly puked.

Pres: The guy claimed that journalists are accurate. He must have forgotten about the Toh Chin Chye affair. No blogger has yet to make a monumental error such as that.

Old man: By the way, none of the bloggers ever claim to be journalist. How he connected the 2 is beside me. If this guy was god, only journalist can write opinions, express views and analyze issues for the good of mankind - bird for brains.

Pres: You actually walked the fence line to talk about this petty small minded article highlighting the supposed analytical skills of a journalist.

Old Man: No lah Bro, since you mentioned bloggers, it came to me. I actually wanted you to act the devil’s advocate and interview me as a young Singaporean.

Pres: Firstly boss, which part made you think that I am a young singaporean.

Old Man: Bro, stop fooling around, I don’t have much time! Choo might find out and yell. Be serious. I know I fucked up with the dialogue session with the young Singaporeans. I’m trying to correct my mistakes.

Pres: Ok lah! Is it true that we hang more people per capita than any other country?

Old Man: Pleese lah, Chee kept loosing the vote with that kind of human rights angle. People think that we are the Pol Pot regime but Singaporeans know better. Ask a serious question.

Pres: Ok, here is a solid one. Minister Mentor, when comparing the civil servants of the first 2 decades and the second 2 decades, which is the better lot?

Old man: Of course, the first 2 decades, real salt of the earth. Built our infrastructure, fought the hard battles. They knew it was matter of survival. Did you know that they gave us affordable public housing, made the decision to build the MRT, created a world class zoo, bird park, created a much feared fighting force and made us all proud.

Pres: Hmmmm…!!

Old man: How was my response? Good or not? I still got it?

Pres: Try this question then. What did the civil servants of the last 2 decades do?

Old man: Oh fuck! Come to think of it - I can’t recall anything.

Pres: Then why the hell are we paying this lot so high?

Old Man: Bro, I am sure they created value and did some thing. I think I better go back and do some research. Maybe the fellows in Sammyboy might know something.

Pres: Aiyah! Forgot about research lah! Your time and my time are running out. Kim San, Raja already gone. We are living on borrowed time. Let’s go supper.

Old Man: Come to think of it, you are right. Anyway it’s so hot, badly need to have drink. Where to go?

Pres: You want to try Bedok Food Centre near the army camp. The black carrot cake, solid, the real thing and the mutton soup’s killer.

Old Man: I’m thinking of stingray.

Pres: Also got! Got a lot of malay stalls with seafood. I tell you the place solid gold….Oh shit! By now it should be closed.

Old man: Fucker! Make my mouth water and then tell me closed. If I had a whip, your fat ass is mine.

Pres: Cool it boss! What about Ponggol nasi lemak at Tanjong Katong?

Old man: Friend, Ponggol and Tanjong Katong are at 2 different ends of Singapore. Don’t tell me you have taken to the bottle like Devan?

Pres: How the hell you managed to rule this country for 45 years is beyond me. You have no idea what’s happening out there. People kena resettled so many times that they move all over the island but they keep their trademark name. Hey! Even Aljunied is in Marine Parade!

Old man: Ok lah! Lets go. This time we have to call Othman wok to join us. He asked that we call him as a condition for borrowing his wigs.

Pres: Tell him not to wear the sarong with purple stripes.

Old man: Why huh?

Pres: Aiyah! We live close by, sometimes we pump petrol at the same station; twice we bump into each other, both wearing the same design. Malu siah!

Old Man: Use boxer shorts like me lah!

Pres: That the Ah peh’s draw strings stripped blue pyjama shorts, not a boxer shorts. Ask the guards.

Old Man: Ok lah! I will sms Othman to come to the western wall. Get the ladder.. Faster lah, before Choo catches on.

 

[suteerak1099]

wakao........... very well narrated leh bro JWNY??? where'd u get the inspiration from? i think the old man made a very strong hint, bt i doubt many caught it.

if my memory serves, he said something like.... "the opposition need to prepare themselves to be govt in waiting..."

surely we cant be expecting him to be spelling it out.

 

[twinseeker]

hehehehehe. JWNY, more please~!!

 

[SammyHulk]

Great read! funny and bare. keep 'em flowing.

 

[williamsF1]

very funny thread. please keep it up.

 

[scroobal]

All your favourite Scroobal entries here

Thanks bro, did not realise that it was posted here until just now. Now to find the rest.

 

[JWNY]

Thanks bro, did not realise that it was posted here until just now. Now to find the rest.

Got it from your blog bro...any new ones?

JWNY

 

[scroobal]

Got it from your blog bro...any new ones?

JWNY

What blog bro? Don't have one.

 

[zhihau]

What blog bro? Don't have one.

bro,

we archived it for you

Episode 6 (on Sam's Delphi thread 113782.1 posted 06 AUG 2006)

Samy's Curry, East Coast Rd, Old Joo Chiat Police Stn: 10.00pm, 20C, aircon, soft Indian music permeating the air

Old Man: I say Bang, trust you to find a good spot.

Pres: Yah lah, good choice, Bang.

Wok: No one will recognise us here because the lights are dim

Old Man: I thought it was in dempsey road, did they shift.

Wok: 2nd outlet

Old Man: Did you know every tom, dick and harry in Govt used to go to Samy's at least once a month. Sometime our cainet meeting gets screwed up because these buggers eat a lot and then can't keep a awake.

Wok: thats why they called it "pukul mati"

Pres: Boss, I think we can speak more freely here. In case you did not realise none of our conversations appear in sammyboy when we scale the Istana wall and leave for supper.

Old Man: You are right. Actually, I told Bang to pick us up early from the western wall to provide a change of scenery. Quite borring that the tales always start at the Istana Guardhouse. After what you said, maybe I screwed it up.

Pres: Aiyah, good opportunity to ask some personal question. Bang, do you use viagra.

Wok: no lah, gua natural. Look after your body and sleep early to give it a good rest. That's why I was pleased when Harry called and asked me to come early. By the way, I called Eddie. He said if he can get a lift, he will drop by.
Old Man: Look, no doctor will give an old man viagara. Your best chance is across the causeway.

Pres: you lucky, your daughter is a doctor.

Old Man: Friend, I told you many times, I only climax every 5 years when we win the election. By the way, did you see our SPH Malaysia bureau chief article on facts and fiction on the internet.

Pres: Good work and covered all angles without imposing his own agenda. Some more did not talk about a journalist holding the monopoly on information exchange like some dumb prick that we have here.

Wok: Why you fellas still in politics. Give it rest. There is a time and place for everything. Learn to smell roses, let others take over. Ahhhh, here is Eddie. Good to see you Ed. Here, sit sit here and give me your walking stick.

Eddie: Wah lan, how come got reunion. Good to see you fuckers.

Old Man: so how are you. Who dropped you off.

Eddie: Tired of waiting for the family, I just called a cab. Not bad, the guy spoke English, certainly better than the school principals that we have.

Old Man: Eddie, don't start. You and Raja gave me hell everytime I raised the language issue in cabinet.

Eddie : You explain to me why the standard of written and spoken english has dropped so badly.

Old Man: Aiyah, why look at me, I don't run the show anymore.

Pres: Boss, pleeez - you are still in cabinet

Old man: Bro, don't be an arsehole.

WoK: Also don't be like like Mahathir, retire but give heavy artillery from the sidelines

Old Man: that not my style.

Eddie: So when will you place your trust with Singaporeans

Old man: Guys, let be fair here. Isn't Singapore a better place by most standards

Eddie: That's my point. When will you trust Singaporeans to take over from you.

Pres: Hey, the Madras mutton is getting cold and no one is eating it.

Wok: Bro, its a dynamite in your body. Just stick to Chicken and fish.

Old Man: Fellas, I already have a stent in me, I get one more bloackage and Choo will know that I have been scaling the fence again. I have to pass. You kin wacked with a frying pan once, and beleive me, you will toe the line.

Eddie: I too pass, can't chew anymore, the gigi will fly if attack from the wrong angle.

Pres: You guys can sure screw up a good meal. I just lost my appetite.

Wok: Eddie I was telling these bozos to take it easy. When there was a fight we were there. Remember KL - Raja, Keng Swee, Ah Chye and you Eddie writing the separation agreement. We fought hard, got a compromise and we began building the country.

Eddie: I don't think we finished what we started. We did not integrate singapore into a homogenenous society: We are still separated by race and religion.

Old Man: Ok Eddie, let me tell you where I have failed. Its is exactly that. And I will be honest, I can't work out the solution. Its a political timebomb. I thought I was gong to be assasinated when I closed down the Chinese stream education in 81 and merged Nanthah and Nus.

Eddie: So what's next

Old Man: You know when we started on this journey in 65, the Malay community spoke Malay predominently, Chinese began speaking English while Indians spoke english competently and the Eurasions had their distinct brand of English. The written form was universal British Straits Settlement version. In 2003, the Malays speak English within the household and in their community except in the presence of their elders. The Chinese have resorted to Mandarin as their medium and the Indians have lost their command of English. Get into a bus, the MRT, the foodcourt and you will realise the change and I can't figure it out. Read the forum page, more mina and mahchik writing with good english. Seems that Malay will be the new elite. By the way, Eddie can't you your Gragoh gang to take care of the ball licking nitwit Lionel.

Wok: So how.

Old Man: I thought we will evole like the US, Australia, UK where second generation migrants speak very good English and in the same style. Here however we still can tell the race by the way the language is spoken and even written.

Wok: We need a truly Singaporean identity

Eddie: Spot on. Something that the people are proud of.

Pres: I always suggested use our food as our national identifier.

Old Man: Bro, can you shut the fuck-up. Stop thinking with your stomach. You sound like STPB, who still can't think out of the box.

Eddie: What about the orchid

Old Man: NTUC fucked it up. They ran it up the flagpole and now people think that the Orchid motiff is NTUC coporate wardrope. There is still the Singapore girl in her Sarong Kebaya, the merlion, we lost bugis street but after that the well dries up.

Eddie: It reminds me of Yeo Hiap Seng. Soya bean was a winner and its was homegrown and it took only until recently for them to realise that the local coconut with pulp in a can is saleable.

Wok: what about chysanthemum tea.

Harry: Aiyah, thats from China. Eddie you are right. They had chicken curry in a can and they had it long before the Indians in Britain built up an empire on canned and package curries. We always seem to find out solutions elsewhere.

Pres: Not to mention our fucked up journalists. Instead of contributing with original ideas and thoughts, they will ask how high everytime we asked them to jump.

Wok: Frankly have our journalist ever contributed any ideas.

Eddie: I always felt that we should open our media and if they err, we correct them, if they don't listen let our boys in ISD sort them out.

Pres: Yah lah, ISD is so fucking bored that will jump in. Lets also get the bastard who keeps recording our conversations and lock him up as well.

Old Man: Bro, don't be fucking idiot. You want to lock him about for reporting ad verbatim what we said.

Pres: oh oh, ok.

Wok: I don't get it Eddie, you want to open it up and then use the ISD.

Eddie: What I am saying is that we have to be brave and open. Take the gamble for the sake of the nation's sanity. I am confident that there will be sensible people. If its gets bad, we still got the laws to tackle the crazies. Look at the Mr Brown incident. The reaction and the letter from little Ms B was overboard, venomous and below the belt. I thought she got personally raped by Mr Brown. If we had people with better english and brains, we would have cut him off, with subtle but suave use of the language. Instead we used a sledgehammer, pile driver, hydraulic jack and then yanked his column.

Waiter: Hello, closing time, can finish up or not.

Old man: Hey how come like that.

Wok: Aiyah, foreign talent, he has no clue who we are. Life has changed.

Eddie, I will drop you off after I drop these jokers off at the Istana.

Old man: No lah, send Eddie first. Even we go back both to the Istana, both of us will still talk cock behind the guardhouse.

Eddie: Can I join in.

Wok: Eddie these buggers still talking about saving singapore till they die. Somemore how you can climb in your condition and with the walking stick.

Eddie : Ok lah, send me back.

Pres: How we can divide up the bill.

Old Man: Eh, I did not bring the wallet

Pres: Boss, I am sick of your excuses. You already owe me for so many suppers.

Old man: Ok lah, pay day coming soon, I will pay up. You are fucking worse thah Ah Long San and the Chettiars put together.

 

[zhihau]

Episode 7 (thread 113782.1)

Behind Istana Guardhouse - 11pm, 24C, cool gentle breeze from NE. Smell of Teh Gayong drifiting from the guardhouse

Pres: I was hoping you would come. I want to talk about last night.

Old Man: bro, quick get the ladder, Othman will be waiting for us at the western wall. Hurry.

Pres: I am on it.

Western wall, Istana

Old man: Bang, you there.

Wok: Yah, boss.

Old Man: Bang, you have to climb the vine and climb down the ladder. We are not going out , you have to come in. I will explain later.

Wok: Oh Fuck, I am wearing sarong. Ok I try. Don't look up, not wearing underwear, very warm lah

Pres: Don 't worry I also don't wear underwear. Need to air the dick.

Behind the Guardhouse:

Old Man: Let me make it plain. Was Eddie there yesterday at Samy's

Pres: Yes and I tell you I could not sleep the whole night. I was tossing and turning, the Mrs kicked me out of bedroom. I ran to guardhouse and stayed there until day break.

Wok: Tell me about it. I dropped off Eddie and this morning when I woke up, my bed was wet with sweat.

Old Man: I knew it. When I reached home, I had goose pimples. Choo said that it was the same expression that I had when JB won Anson. She thought I went galavanting again and warned me the dangers of fraternising with Peidu mamas. She said that after new regulations, they are out in the streets. Now I kenna curfew. I can't go out after midnight and supper is out.

Pres: Bang, I remember you telling that you invited Eddie.

Old Man: To be sure, I also checked with the posting in Sammyboy, it also stated that you invited him.

Wok: Hey, I have no idea what happenned. All I know was Eddie was sitting with us and then I dropped him off with both of you in the car.

Old man: Shit, my mother told me not to go out during the hungry ghost month. Now we had it. Regret like fuck that I did not listen to her

Pres: Boss, why don't we throw a getai in the Istana

Old Man: good Idea Bro. We need to appease the spirits.Alamak, the king of Getai just died of cancer and Ah Nan arrested for drugs Bro. For the Istana, getai must have standard.

Wok: Like that how, want to call bomoh

Pres: Bang, the last time we called the Bomoh about the disappearing 6th hole flag, the guy ran away when he tried to nail the spirit to the tree.

Wok: What happenned.

Pres: The bomoh spotted a lot of nails on the tree and then we realised that all the trees had nails. Wah lan, we all ran for our lives.I tell you bro, I just lifted my sarong and sprinted all the way without looking back

Old Man: Now you know why the guards stay in the guardhouse and never patrol the ground at night. .

Wok: And you asked me to come to Istana without telling me all this.

Old Man: No choice, we have to find a place to rest Eddie's spririt.

Pres: Hey what about asking Dick Lee to do the getai.

Old Man: Brilliant idea, no wonder you are president.

Wok: Eddie will like it. Get Dick to do Fried Rice Paradise.

Old man: Lets get them to pitch a tent on the 6th green and we can also get rid of that spirit.

Wok: How do you explain this to the people. They will laugh at us.

Old man: This is no laughing matter. The seventh month is a serious matter in this country. Don't fuck around. I may have gone to cambridge with a name called Harry but this one don't play play.

Wok: I meant the Dick Lee part.

Pres: Aiyah, where have we told Singaporeans anything before. We control the media, we control the entertainment, shucks, we control everything. No one will know until Boss writes another book.

Old man: Ok, let not waste time. Bang, you are in charge of tent and logistics, Bro, you handle Dick Lee and the agenda for the night. .... Oh Fuck, you know next to nothing about arts and entertainment, better get Bang to do it and you look after the tent and logistics.

Pres: And may I ask what the hell you are in charge of.

Old man: I will handle media and communications

Pres: Boss, thats a fucking easy job. You know the journalist will not write anything. Even I can do that standing on one leg while ironing my sarong.

Old Man: Bro, you are getting too big for you breeches. Open your big fat mouth and i will tell your wife about smoking cheroot behind the guardhouse. By the way, when handling media I meant the internet like sammyboy, yawning bread, Mr Brown etc.

Pres: What about Xiaxue.

Old Man: Alamak, she is politically naive, no clue and her content is so trivial.

Pres: But got to say, chio.

Old Man: Have you seen her without makeup - a short arsewho thinks that she is god's give to mankind. I prefer iggy, got guts, nice tits too.

Wok: Hey fellas, we are talking about Eddie here. Forget about the SYTs

Old Man: Ok Lah, lets get cracking and come back again tomorrow and report progress.

WoK: I am certainly not coming back to the Istana. What about Changi village hawker centre. We can whack nasi Lemak.

Pres: Brilliant idea Bang, a man after my own heart.

Old Man: Ok I will tell Choo that I going to the Government Chalet to do work.
Pres: Bang, don't eat it at the first stall, that fella very ex, charge $2.50 while the others charge $2. The mackereal Otak Otak however is to die for. Voted the best in Singapore you know.

Wok: What do I tell Dick Lee.

Old Man: Friend, Dick lee is a creative fella, he would work it out. If he can handle Jacinta Abushinthegarden, he can handle anything.

Pres: Wahlan, did you see her on Singapore Idol, she look like she was high.

Old Man: Can you stick to the subject.

Pres: OK lah, do you want Pernakan food for the night or what

Old Man: I give up, you want to serve Pernakan food because Dick Lee is Pernakan, Its a getai, bodoh.

Old man: I better go back, curfew time.

 

[zhihau]

Episode 8 (115221.1)

Behind the Guardhouse: 11pm, 24C, strong winds from the East.

Old Man: Bro, get the ladder.

Pres: Is Othman coming

Old Man: No Lah, after the bomoh story he is not coming here. Its HL.

Pres: What happenned, did she throw him out of the bedroom again. Aiyah, tell him to get personal protection order. This is getting too much.

Old Man : Shadup lah, this is serious, I asked him to come. We both got to help him. Its probably the worst political crisis we going to face. There may be riots soon.

Pres: Oh Fuck, Boss, don't tel me that it is the see hum fuckup.

Old Man: Yah Lah Bro. Pai seh. My mother is turning in her grave. Hurry up lah, to the western wall.

Western Wall: 11.05pm

HL: psst, psst. Dad, you there

Old Man: Yah, hold on, M is raising the ladder. Meantime, scale up using the creepers.

Behind the Guardhouse:

Old man: What the hell happenned to you. Where mee siam got hum. You blursotong or wat?

HL: I meant Laksa. It was a slip

Old Man: Don't talk cock. When it comes to local dishes there is no such thing as a slip.

HL: No big issue. Some people might like hum in their mee siam

Old Man: Wahlow-ooh. You stupid or wat? You making my blood boil. Don't let me take out my belt and give you 5 of the best right here and now.

Pres: HL, this is indeed serious. Only food has kept this country united, nothing else has. We kept the prices of egg, pork, fruits cheap. You know why - if their stomach are full and the food is great, they are unlikely to start a revolution. Did you not realise that our basket of food in the CPI index is basically stagnant despite all other thing going sky high.

Old Man: Ever heard of pork briani, orange bandung, chicken pieces in Kway Teow.

HL: I ate Kway Teow in Australia with chicken pieces.

Old man: You going to get it now.

Pres: Easy boss, let me talk to him.

Pres: HL. You are the PM of Singapore. I expected better from you. Years ago, Keng Swee said that there is no sacred cows in politics. Well he was wrong. Food is a sacred cow. We can get Singaporeans to do 4 year NS, we can hang people for road rage, all we get in protest is a couple of jokers carrying placards. If the ST writes about disquiet, we challenge the journalist to name the ones who complained and they clamp up. Food on the other hand is a no go zone. When we first resettled people after the Bukit Ho Swee fire, they bought into the idea readily after we said that we will ensure that Tiong Bahru market will have the best hawker centre. Ever since all grassroots leader make sure that at any onetime there are no empty stalls in a hawker centre. Have you seen one before.

HL: How now?

Old man: I was thinking of getting him to resign to cut our losses.

HL: Pa. don't be like that Pa. Give me chance, can or not.

Pres: Aiyah, give him a chance. We will take him to our favourite food haunts and he will not screw up again.

HL: Actually what is mee siam. In Catholic High got no mee siam. But my favorite is Kway Teow with hum.

Old Man: It not only the food, the other parts of the speech not swee also.

Pres: What are other part.

Old Man: Bro, wat the fuck we make you president and you don't know what he said.

Pres: I heard the speech but it sounded alright except for the hum in the mee siam

Old man: Do you know who is David Gan

Pres: who donno David. I ever go to him but he said that I look funny if I perm my hair because I too short. So one season I dye my hair but the guy quite ex you know.
Old man: Tell me, is he a foreign talent. For christ sake, no one has heard of him outside Singapore. Even the Malaysians got no clue about him. Any thinking man with half a brain will be wondering what the hell Philip Yeo was doing with the millions when we end up showcasing David Gan as a talent. Its a joke.

Pres: You are right boss. He also left out of Sammyboy. Go an mention Mr Brown, Talking cock .

HL: Wat is sammyboy huh?

Old man: HL, Sammyboy is the only forum that is not regulated or controlled. People speak their minds. They share their joy and their despair without having to be politically correct.If I want an honest opinion, I get it from Sammyboy. Try acting smart in sammyboy and they will cut yo down to size.

Pres: It is the most valuable gauge that this country has seen.

HL: I never heard of it.

Old Man: The trouble with you is that you allow that woman to install those internet filter to protect the kids and its blocks sammyblock.

HL: How good is it.

Old man: Look, just the other day, I sent out a post on how long people use their underwear and I got many down to earth responses. Has ST ever done such a survey.

Pres: Yah, its a no holds barred forum. Even the ST regulary quotes from it.

HL: I thought Mr Brown was highwater mark for dissent.

Old Man: Pleese, that guy is a lovable chap. Any mother in law would love him. The guy has no evil bone in him.

HL: Oh Fuck. I think I really fucked up.

Pres: You know something, even Ah Goh speeches were more inspiring.

Old Man: So how, do we throw him out.

Pres: Wat about Choo

Old Man: You just killed my appetite for Bak Chor Mee. Ok forget about throwing him out. Plan B.

HL: Wat's Plan B.

Pres: I know, get the grassroots to get the hawkers to start putting hum in Mee Siam.

Old Man: I think I need to give you the 5 lashes. You need it more than HL.

HL: Maybe I send out a correction. You know I did it when I mention the word "fix" and Singaporeans accepted that.

Pres: You know I think he is right. It about time that we respect our citizens as equals.
Old Man: Give me the belt, you are really asking for it. You know I can out run you, you fat bastard.

 

[zhihau]

Episode 9 (115599.1)

West Wing, the Jade Bedroom, 6.45am - Sun's ray creeping slowing across the room thru the french windows.

Mrs Pres: Deh, wake up, I heard something hit the windows. Can you check.

Pres: Please lah, you are hallucinating again. I did not hear it. Let me sleep another 5 minutes.

Mrs Pres: Aiyoh, I heard it again, someone is throwing stones at the window.

Pres: Let me check.

Old Man: psst, psst, meet me same place but at 10.15pm

Pres: ok

Mrs Pres: What was it

Pres: No lah, just the gardener clearing the ground below.

Behind the Guradhouse, 10.15pm, 22C, cool light breeze, smell of teh gayong drifting from the guardhouse with dash of laksa lemak hanging in the air

Pres: What's up. Why the hurry

Old Man: Sorry, I had to rush for my medical and my calendar was full and had to let you know early.

Pres: You know I alwasy will be here by 11pm if I am not at

Old Man: Aiyah Bro, I am still under curfew. Got to get back by midnight and I got a lot on my mind.

Pres: What on your mind mind.

Old Man: Its Black Eyed Peas and their song "My Humps" continously playing in my mind. I havent' slept for 2 days. Its driving me crazy.

Pres: I got news for you - you are not the only one. I think half the nation is having that song played in their mind. Boss, but I got to tell you that stacy is one solid chick. Did you know that she got Red Indian blood in her mixed with Irish or something.

Old Man: Bro, you know I was never into pop culture until I saw fergie and now I am a hip hop fan. Its also easy on our bones as you only have to sway to the beat, no need to lift your feet.

Pres: I know, I know, cool ain't it.

Old man: Shit, Bro, you always side track me. I am serious. What can we do about Mr Brown.

Pres: Boss, you got to admit, both he and Mr Miyagi did a fabulous job with that podcast. Jean Paul Satre will be delighted. Did you know that kids love it but they have no clue but they are delighted that its the PM singing.

Old man: Look, I admit that HL made a mistake raising the Ba Chor mee epsiode, but this guys riposte was unbelievable. We are the laughing stock of the nation.

Pres: You know boss, if you think about it, compared to Mr Brown, Chee is harmless. Instead of chasing him from pillar to post, should have left him to his own devices. He does not resonate with the man in the street.

Old man: Aiyah, my whole world is topsy turvy. No other person including JB or Tang made us look this silly. We need to neutralise this and real quick.

Pres: I can tell you now that it will not happen.

Old man: Why not Bro.

Pres: We have achievers in Govt and in the civil service and we associate ourselves with achievers. Our gauge starts with perfect scores in the A Level and we don't make allowance for raw talent, the committed and the concern. Look how we responded to Mr Brown when his article came out in Today - no class, very brash and very authoritarian. Why do we pay someone so highly for writing trash

Old Man: We had to do it, he played outside the boundaries.

Pres: I know that and I also know that we had to cut him off. However as I said before - there are many ways to skin a cat but we don't have the talent to do it. For Heaven's sake, this guy publishes his family photos on the web. One look and you know he has the model family. We whack like he was dressed in storm tropper grab, with nazi insignias and tattoos. And that is not appreciated.

Old Man: So how Bro. Let him go?

Pres: Let start being transparent. Lets not hold parties in Zouk or to try to act cool, lets not wear white belt, white shoes and try to appear glam. Lets also not tell the people how we catch spiders and play with kampong kids. For christ sake, we got post 65 MPs telling about kampongs when most Singaporeans only remember HDB estates. Lets avoid Laksa, Mee , Koh Loh Mee and Telok Tahu as well.

Old Man: I see your point. Lets not pretend who we are and lets bring in capbale people who might not have the formal grades.

Pres: Lets also give people like Chee a little space, he is a good diversion.

Old Man: You know WP and the rest of the AP have to be careful, they are now playing our game.

Pres: I won't even go there. Parliament has not even sat, yet Sylvia Lim is hopping the limelight.

Old Man: Yah, the media is not favouring us.

Pres: Pleeeez, those assholes buried HL good and proper coming out with the Mee Siam mai Hiam. Which idiot orders Mee by saying that. Clearly they are trying to suck up and they also proved that they they have no clue about Hokkein, the food and what people do. At least HL had more class and sent in a correction. Those assholes still did not apologise to HL for making him look silly.

Old Man: I got a brilliant idea. Its a killer,Bro.

Pres: Oh No, don't try and assassinate Mr Brown.

Old man: No you idiot, lets slowly make him the editor of ST. We will kill 2 birds with one stone. Get rid of balls carrying assholes and put a genuine talent in their place.

Pres: Marvellous. Now I know why you are the boss.

Old man: I always knew I had it. In all my National Rallys, I always uncovered new grounds, did paradigm shifts and people took notice. I was the best.

Pres: Aiyah, you are loosing the plot. Its a digital age, podcast are in and we need the talent to mix music and come across well.

Old Man: Lets start now, I can borrow my granson's audio mixer, get couple of songs and do own podcast, blogs and we are in business. After all, all we do is talk cock.
Pres: Why don't we get Philip as well. He always seems to know the shortcuts. He might even entice Mr Miyagi to cross over

Old man: I want to do it the old fashion way. I am not interested in hiring foreign talent when we have not tried. Look at our Sports. We bring in talent and they are suing us desite doing shit. In sports you can't hide. If you did not win, you did not win and you are loser. No one can cover for you and find excuses.

Pres: Boss, you know I prefer Bon Jovi as the background music and can I be Mr Miyagi

Old Man: Not a problem bro, as along we agree that I will be Mr Brown

GuardHouse 2nd Shift Commander: I am fed up with you two. Everynight talking cock. Somemore, me and my men have to listen to the bullshit day in and day out. Can you guys fuck off from here.

Old Man: Ok lah, sorry, we are going.

Pres: How come you let the fellow get away like that.

Old Man: You are fine one to talk. You know that he has the confidence of both our wives and he is the one who got me the curfew.

Pres: Fucking no peace even outside the bedroom. Lets go have supper. I am dying for you know what

Old man: I too am thinking the same thing. Call Othman on the phone and pick us up at the Western wall.

Pres: We might have a problem. I heard that Mee Siam, Laksa and Bar Chor Mee all finishing fast. We have to hurry.

 

[zhihau]

Episode 10 (originally posted on 6th Nov 2006, forgot the thread number)

Behind Istana Guardhouse - 11pm, 24C, cool gentle breeze from SW. Scent of lavendar drifting in the air.

Old Man: Hey man, what you doing here. I thought you would have gone home for the weekend.

Pres: It’s a long story but it has do with Joo Chiat, Vietnamese sluts and my good health.

Old man: What are you talking about about. Don’t tell me she caught you with your pants down.

Pres: No Lah, Boss. Last few weekends when we go back home, my wife kept noticing the Vietnamese streetwalkers walking past our place. Since the Police clampdown, they now operate one street parallel to the length of Joo Chiat. She kept grumbling about how useless I am despite my position. I told her that they are actually foreign talent and in Vietnam if you are a professional, you put heavy make-up and dress is a bit slutty to show your high status.

Old Man: Bro, you the man! Did she buy it.
Pres: She did until my daughter came visiting and gave her the scoop.
Old Man: What happened?

Pres: I tell you what happened. All hell broke loose. She took the payong (umbrella) and thundered towards me. I got to tell you – all the East Coast health walk paid off. You should have seen me, I lifted my sarong in one swift move, and did the dash to Pennefather Road in quick time.

Old Man: Choo normally throws the coffeecup at me but normally I can dodge it, sometimes cannot lah, then you don’t see me in public for couple of weeks.

Pres: So now the Mrs don’t want to go back home until I do something about it. So can we get rid of the streetwalkers.

Old Man: Bro, you got to realize that the World has changed and Singapore has to. 30 Years ago, I used to laugh at Macau . A few seedy casinos and nowehere to go. Guess what, I am not laughing. We are now in the same boat.

Pres: That explains why you have been making some comments that you have never made before.

Old Man: Like what bro.

Pres: The comment about ST carrying the facts and their commentaries. The other comment to the BCC was Thai / Temasek deal.

Old Man: Times are hard bro, not sure what to do.

Pres: The Thai/Temasek thing I understand. One wrong move and your son gets it from his wife and you get yet another coffeecup coming your way from Choo. But the ST thing I can’t understand. It screws your credibility.

Old Man: Its not that bad, they have been ok what?

Pres: Are you mad, boss. There are more balls carriers than balls in that place. You know that everytime I read a commentary from one of the Chua sisters, I keep mumbling to myself “Hit me, hit me”. One day, my wife got fed up, took the umbrella and whacked me on the head. My dentures flew out of my mouth right thru the window and out to the road. That night, no masala chicken for me.

Old Man: We created the monster, now we have to live with it. Don’t worry, the younger generation of journalist have got balls. They have the fibre, the fire and the spine to stand firm. Look at the Kweks and the Pehs. They are our future. Remember one of them told me to retire from cabinet.

Pres: Maybe that explains why some of the assholes are moving to “Today”

Old Man: I can see it for myself. Imagine walking along the corridor and trying to avoid the eyes of the morally correct younger bunch. Scary.

Pres: What about Thai/Temasek affair. Any hope.

Old Man: Fuck these guys. Don’t even know how to feather an engine on fire. Firstly I can’t believe they went and bought a Thai national asset. Will we sell Singtel, Singapore power, PSA, DBS, SIA. If we float it, we will still keep the majority stake. Why the hell did they think that other countries will not get upset if someone get their national asset.
Pres: What would you do to fix this, boss.

Old Man: Aiyah Bro, just go to Bhumipol, kowtow, ask forgiveness and then ask his advise on how to fix it. End of story.

Pres: Then how come you told the journalist that everything is above board when that was not the question. He never suggested that the process was corrupt. He asked you about apples and you replied about oranges.

Old man: Use your Otak bro. I can't tell him the real reason can I. Remember both Loong and I have got to sleep sometime in the night.

Pres: That what I thought. You know and I know that every private firm and MNC has a general under its payroll but they don’t make press release. Its all done behind the scenes.

Old man: Its getting very depressing. Even Sam wants to get out of Delphi and run it on his own server after the Perry Tong fuckup. I felt bad for Low, so I called him and told him we got a Wee and he got a Tong and they deserve each other.

Old Man: I hope Sam does not walk away. You know the entire civil service reads the forum to get the true feedback. We get the true picture from that forum. Viswa Sadasivan’s Feedback unit is a white elephant. Ooops sorry about the Thai pun.

Pres: Maybe now we can now trace the real sam. He can work for us.

Old Man: Banish that thought. When we first approached him, he said no. We then sweethened the deal, he said fuck off. I called him personally and he told me to take a flying fuck. All we wanted him to say is to mention the PAP in good light every now and then. Sam got his infatuation with Australia, freedom, migration, entrepreneurship, 4 wheel drive, cycling and a Grand Bank Yacth. I could not get one word in without being interrupted.

Old Man: All this talk is making me depressed. How about some supper. I got the perfect place and the perfect dish.

Pres: What, what boss. Mee Rebus is it. I heard the best Mee Rebus gravy is made from mixing cracked Marie biscuit into the gravy.

Old Man: No lah, it’s the dum briyani at the corner of Tanjong Pagar and . The teh halia is also just right. Good combination. Lets take the MRT, I want to try out the new trains. We still have time.

Pres: Won’t the people recognize us.

Old Man: Keep up with the times, Bro. Haven’t you heard, the MRT trains in the late evenings are now packed with cleaners in their 70s and 80s cleaning the office blocks in the CBD so that their sons and daughers can go to work in the morning in nice and clean environment. In my shorts and your sarong, we can easily fit in.

Pres: You mean, they got no retirements savings.

Old Man: Don’t make me more depress. Its coming apart at the seams. Those who got savings must have donated its to the mei meis and Vietnamese streetwalkers. Don’t talk about it.

Pres: So you want mutton or chicken briyani. By the way, I stopped taking fizzy drinks, its gives me too much gas.

Old Man: Can you shut the fuck and move faster, its already 11.55pm and we certainly don’t want to miss the last train.