Why the Olympic Opening Ceremony sucked.
Ever since I first heard that the 2012 Olympics was going to be held in London, I was against it. The BBC would be like a child who drank way too much Ribena trying to promote it, the government will be spending millions on what is basically a global sports day, TV would be worse than usual as well as the fact it would be, once again, London getting all the glory (seriously LOCOG, where's the Northern love? Just putting football in Old Trafford is, quite frankly, offensive and a stereotype of the north of England!).
Then once I saw the London segment during the closing ceremony of the Beijing Olympics, I was mortified.
Leona Lewis warbling 'Whole Lotta Love' (Why not get all of Led Zep rather than just Robert Plant?) David Beckham kicking footballs off the top of a double decker bus? The BNP having a field day over an image of an Asian girl walking on the backs of mostly white adults? The only way the organisers could have gotten more stereotypical in its portrayal of the UK would be to have Hugh Grant in full cricket garb swimming around in a cup of tea, using an oversized crumpet as a life preserver. Great start LOCOG! Four years before the Olympics and I'm already worried that it's going to fail!
Fast forward to the present day, and my fears were proven. Starting off with a 'green and pleasant' land, peasants wondered about, tilling fields as was commonplace in the Middle Ages, until the arrival of Isambard Kingdom Brunel (here played by Kenneth Branagh, one of the only good things about the ceremony!) came along and trampled on all the pretty flowers, building massive smoke stacks in it's place. So much for 'Green and Pleasant Land'! This is where the stereotypes started, out came all the Victorian industrialists, complete with top hats and mutton chops as well as the ragged Oliver Twist style workers (although I do like the fact they glossed over child workers!) who come together to make a giant ring, that lifts into the air and joins four others to form the Olympic logo. There we go kids! Brunel engineered the Olympics too!
Next came the sketch 'Happy and Glorious' this I was looking forward to, as it was the Queen givng James Bond his next mission, to start the Olympics. Sounds pretty good, no? What they filmed in the end was crap. Daniel Craig was as smug as Brozza at his worst, so much unlike his portrayal of Bond, the Churchill statue coming alive was cheesy and cringeworthy, as well as everyone waving at the helicopter anyway, AND WHAT WAS WITH THE SLOW MOTION CORGIS? Seriously, every second shot was of the corgis pissing around! This of course didn't put me in the best of moods for the rest of the ceremony. At least it did set up a funny arrival for the Queen, I'll give it that.
The next segment, celebrating the NHS was confusing to say the least. What possessed Underworld (the dance group famous for 'Born Slippy' and those responsible for the music in the ceremony) to think that Tubular Bells, THE THEME FROM THE EXORCIST, would be a good way to represent the National Health Service? Considering that the NHS/Government relationship is very tense due to cutbacks in order to save banks and pay for this shit, I think a load of children jumping on beds and 50's style matrons doing the jitterbug will go down well with neither the hardworking doctors and nurses, or the sick patients in their care! This all culminated in national moody cow JK Rowling reading an excerpt of Peter Pan and unleashing nightmare fuel on the world as creatures from the Black Lagoon ran on stage snatching children for the character from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and causing inflatables of Cruela DeVil, Voldemort and Mick Jagger to rise up. With JK Rowling there, Voldemort of course got centre stage, before being defeated by the power of the Mary Poppins Luftwaffe and turning into a dead baby. But not all British literature was celebrated. Where was Aslan? Where was Gandalf? Where was anything by Roald Dahl, the master of children's literature?
Then came Mr. Bean playing the monotone synth section of 'Chariots Of Fire (Who didn't see that song coming(?)) This segment was funny at first, but just went on too long, this then melded into an unbelievably twee and quite frankly embarassing story focusing on digital Britain and the music the country has produced over the last 40 years. It had a weak story based on the supposed 'typical Saturday night' with terrible graphics and a cringey love story crowbarred into it. The music choices were pretty good, and nearly makes up for it. But the fact they pretty much cut out two decades of music (the really good ones too!) was unforgiveable. Why in the short 80's section was there no Smiths songs? Why also was there no Stone Roses? Why was the only reference to Happy Mondays 10 seconds of the piano riff of 'Step On? These artists all had a massive influence on the music scene. The 90's section was even worse. Two songs. One of them was Born Slippy (just had to point out you made Trainspotting again didn't you Danny?) the other was the awesome Firestarter. But no Wonderwall, quite possibly Britain's best known song of the past 15 years? This of course all culminated into the crapfest that is the noughties, with Dizzee Rascal appearing to rap for a young couple until they kiss and Song 2 predictably plays. THIS IS NOT A TYPICAL SATURDAY NIGHT FOR BRITISH YOUTHS! If Danny really wanted to portray an accurate Saturday night for the UK's 18-24's he should have taken more cues from his masterpiece Trainspotting rather than merely referencing it. A night out in Manchester (and I'm pretty sure this'll be worse in London, due to the fact that Mancunians are more than likely out for a laugh and don't take things as seriously) usually entails some forms of sex, drugs, rock and roll, violence and wanton mayhem. But we have to appear to be good little kiddies to the world, even when shows like Skins shows pretty much the truth (it does go overboard here and there). But I will say 'Yay Tim Berners-Lee!
Then came the most offensive (to me) section. A tribute to the 7th July bombings through interpretive dance. A terrorist act is being portrayed. Through the medium of interpretive dance.
WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? A supposed celebration of this country and you put in a section dedicated to a national tragedy? Yes I understand that the bombings blindsided the UK the day after we found out we were hosting the games, so a memorial is appropriate, BUT YOU MAKE IT RESPECTFUL AND IN GOOD TASTE! INTERPRETIVE DANCE IS NOT THOSE THINGS. It's like if Beijing 2008 did a shadow puppet play based on Tiananmen Square, or Atlanta '96 an animation of Manifest Destiny.
Then came the boring bit, athletes wondering around the stadium, Danny Boyle missing the chance for a great laugh by having a lone sprinter from Gallifrey among them (why were there no Doctor Who references by the way?) and besides from the guy giving a Nazi salute while the German team arrived, and the Queen looking (rightfully) pissed off there's nothing to discuss. Speeches were dull too and Jacques Rogge proved he's a pretentious sod with his sappy offering. The Arctic Monkeys were crap too. Why was the lead singer poorly attempting an American accent rather than singing in his natural Sheffield one?
Then came the torch lighting, who did it? Seven young, up and coming (at least until their first injury) atheletes. Now I get the symbolism of the old guard of athletes that included bald swimmer dude Duncan Goodhew and the biggest cause of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in the 80's Daley Thompson as well as slightly younger athletes like Kelly Holmes handing over the torches to the young people. But why not have a known athlete do it? You had seven there, get one of them to light the torch! But I suppose I can at least give Seb Coe some credit for not doing it himself or getting David Tennant to do it, thus legitimising Russel T Davies. I do like the design of the actual cauldron though, it's very modern and avant garde. Paul McCartney then ruined the theme of old passing to the younger generation by turning up to flog the dead horse that is 'Hey Jude' again. I think Elbow would have been a better choice here, 'One Day Like This' anyone?
This was not an accurate representation of Britain, it's a representation of how LOCOG wants you to see Britain, and I bet the London Tourism board is loving the thought of all those tourists coming in with their money for a taste of the UK, without actually seeing it. If you actually want to see real England, then you're best to avoid the tourist trap that is Central London and venture outside the M25. Manchester is the better representation of the typical English city, plus there's all that lovely countryside nearby with the Peak and Lake Districts not more than 50 miles away.
So there's my thought on the Opening Ceremony, if you agree or disagree please say so in the comments, I'm sure opinions on it vary and I'd love to hear them.
