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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer!
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me..
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, - "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:
"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to jail for contempt of court ! I
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me..
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, - "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:
"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to jail for contempt of court ! I
Await your contribution :pthis is a better one...
Some wisdoms from robbery
During a robbery in Hong Kong, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
"Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you."
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her:
"Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"
This is called "Being Professional”
Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school):
"Big brother, let's count how much we got."
The older robber rebutted and said:
"You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
This is called "Experience”
Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him:
"Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
This is called "Swim with the tide”
Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."
This is called "Changing priority”
Personal Happiness is more important than your job”.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.
The robbers were very angry and complained:
"We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"
This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"
During a robbery in Hong Kong, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
"Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you."
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her:
"Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"
This is called "Being Professional”
Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school):
"Big brother, let's count how much we got."
The older robber rebutted and said:
"You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
This is called "Experience”
Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him:
"Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
This is called "Swim with the tide”
Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."
This is called "Changing priority”
Personal Happiness is more important than your job”.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.
The robbers were very angry and complained:
"We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"
This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"
Same can be said of The 2 golden rules:
1. THE BOSS is always right
2. If THE BOSS is incorrect, refer to rule No.1
Recruitment Explained. This Is So True It Hurts.
One day while walking downtown, a Human Resources woman was hit by a bus and was tragically
killed. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an HR manager make it this far and we're really not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in," the Saint replied.
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven."
"Sorry, we have our rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the HR manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and the HR manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow HR professionals that she had worked with. They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The HR manager was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven" he said. So the HR manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The HR manager paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the HR manager went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks for the evening meal. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and laughed at her.
"I don't understand," stammered the HR manager. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and grinned: "That's because yesterday we were recruiting you... but today you're staff."
http://medical.tickld.com/x/recruitment-explained-this-is-so-true-it-hurts
One day while walking downtown, a Human Resources woman was hit by a bus and was tragically
killed. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an HR manager make it this far and we're really not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in," the Saint replied.
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven."
"Sorry, we have our rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the HR manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and the HR manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow HR professionals that she had worked with. They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The HR manager was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven" he said. So the HR manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The HR manager paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the HR manager went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks for the evening meal. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and laughed at her.
"I don't understand," stammered the HR manager. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and grinned: "That's because yesterday we were recruiting you... but today you're staff."
http://medical.tickld.com/x/recruitment-explained-this-is-so-true-it-hurts
Confirmation that Size Matters
Results of a women's survey on size
Women's response to:
2 inches - I can't even hold it.
3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.
4 inches - I've had bigger than it.
5 inches - Good, but I wish a bit bigger.
6 inches - perfect.
7 inches - Love it.
8 inches - Wow! But can't have it all.
9 inches - Painful but manageable.
10 inches - Too much pressure on stomach.
This survey was actually a Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of:
Subway Sandwiches!
But I love the way you think!
This is why I worry about you!
Results of a women's survey on size
Women's response to:
2 inches - I can't even hold it.
3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.
4 inches - I've had bigger than it.
5 inches - Good, but I wish a bit bigger.
6 inches - perfect.
7 inches - Love it.
8 inches - Wow! But can't have it all.
9 inches - Painful but manageable.
10 inches - Too much pressure on stomach.
This survey was actually a Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of:
Subway Sandwiches!
But I love the way you think!
This is why I worry about you!
Real life toilet funny from Japan
Japan woman 'knifes husband over toilet stink'
April 13, 2015 2:30 pm
TOKYO (AFP)
A Japanese woman allegedly attacked her husband with a kitchen knife because of the terrible smell he had left in the toilet, police and reports said Monday.
Emi Mamiya, 29, was arrested on suspicion of attempted murder after apparently slashing her husband’s face with the knife, police said.
Mamiya was reportedly incensed by the smell left behind after her 34-year-old partner emerged from the stall.
Her anger was further fuelled when he tried to help their 3-year-old son use the toilet "without washing his own hands first", she said, Jiji Press and other local media reported.
"The toilet stinks so much that the child cannot even use it," Jiji reported her as saying.
Japan woman 'knifes husband over toilet stink'
April 13, 2015 2:30 pm
TOKYO (AFP)
A Japanese woman allegedly attacked her husband with a kitchen knife because of the terrible smell he had left in the toilet, police and reports said Monday.
Emi Mamiya, 29, was arrested on suspicion of attempted murder after apparently slashing her husband’s face with the knife, police said.
Mamiya was reportedly incensed by the smell left behind after her 34-year-old partner emerged from the stall.
Her anger was further fuelled when he tried to help their 3-year-old son use the toilet "without washing his own hands first", she said, Jiji Press and other local media reported.
"The toilet stinks so much that the child cannot even use it," Jiji reported her as saying.
One day on a bus in NYC
2 tamil men get onto a bus in New York. They sit down & engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next 2 them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears 1 of them say the following:
"Emma cums first.
Den I cum.
Den two asses cum together.
I cum once-a-more!
2 asses, they cum 2gether again.
I cum again and pee twice.
Then I cum one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more and shouts "You foul- mouthed sexobsessed Indian, in this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives however extraordinary they are."
"Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. "Who talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."
(I swear you gonna read this again)..
2 tamil men get onto a bus in New York. They sit down & engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next 2 them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears 1 of them say the following:
"Emma cums first.
Den I cum.
Den two asses cum together.
I cum once-a-more!
2 asses, they cum 2gether again.
I cum again and pee twice.
Then I cum one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more and shouts "You foul- mouthed sexobsessed Indian, in this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives however extraordinary they are."
"Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. "Who talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."
(I swear you gonna read this again)..
And all your toilet rolls won't help poor jap bloke to stem his bleeding (from wifey's stab):p
Doctors??!
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The Malaysian doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Four years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him Prime Minister.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The Malaysian doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Four years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him Prime Minister.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
May have heard this this before. Dig at 3 races acros the causeway
American spaceman is call Astronaut. Russian Spaceman is called Cosmonaut Chinese Spaceman is called Taikonaut Malaysian Spaceman is called Can-or-naut !!!
Dr. Mahathir was thinking about sending a Malaysian into space.
Three potential can-or-nauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay and one Chinese.
Dr. M interviews the Indian first : "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous mission. How much do you think you should be paid?"
Muthu replied: "One million ringgit."
"Why so much?" asks Dr. M.
"Very dangerous mission, Datuk. Maybe I no come back!" replied Muthu.
"That's understandable," says Dr. M.
"Thank you...please ask the Malay guy to come here."
So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.
Alamak, 2 million," replied the Malay candidate.
"Two million? That's twice as much! Even that Muthu before you asked for only one million."
"You see, Datuk," explains Mat. "I have 4 wives and 15 children ... With so many of us, it is a big family to leave behind when I am gone...!"
"I see," says Dr. M. "Okay, can you ask that Chinese guy to come then?"
The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M says, "Ah Chong, as you heard, This is a very risky mission, how much do you want?"
Ah Chong smiles for a while, and says, "3 million."
Mahathir appears shocked.
"What??? 3 million! Why so much?"
Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer, whereupon he quietly whispers into his ear, "Datuk, one million you keep, one million I keep, and then one more million to send that Muthu into space."
American spaceman is call Astronaut. Russian Spaceman is called Cosmonaut Chinese Spaceman is called Taikonaut Malaysian Spaceman is called Can-or-naut !!!
Dr. Mahathir was thinking about sending a Malaysian into space.
Three potential can-or-nauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay and one Chinese.
Dr. M interviews the Indian first : "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous mission. How much do you think you should be paid?"
Muthu replied: "One million ringgit."
"Why so much?" asks Dr. M.
"Very dangerous mission, Datuk. Maybe I no come back!" replied Muthu.
"That's understandable," says Dr. M.
"Thank you...please ask the Malay guy to come here."
So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.
Alamak, 2 million," replied the Malay candidate.
"Two million? That's twice as much! Even that Muthu before you asked for only one million."
"You see, Datuk," explains Mat. "I have 4 wives and 15 children ... With so many of us, it is a big family to leave behind when I am gone...!"
"I see," says Dr. M. "Okay, can you ask that Chinese guy to come then?"
The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M says, "Ah Chong, as you heard, This is a very risky mission, how much do you want?"
Ah Chong smiles for a while, and says, "3 million."
Mahathir appears shocked.
"What??? 3 million! Why so much?"
Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer, whereupon he quietly whispers into his ear, "Datuk, one million you keep, one million I keep, and then one more million to send that Muthu into space."
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