Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[bloodycock]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.


It had to be deliberate.she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Then lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[jw5]

Hey Bloodycock! This joke was already posted in post#1787! :o

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

 

[bloodycock]

Hey Bloodycock! This joke was already posted in post#1787! :o

No one laughed so I posted again :o

Lol....forgot to delete after posting here so I thought I didn't post yet.

 

[yinyang]

No one laughed so I posted again :o

Good (bar) jokes are often repeated. Simply, both source and audience were too sloshed to recall if fresh or recycled :p

 

[yinyang]

Five Unshakeable Facts (or Truths?) :p

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra.
A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes, BUT we realize
too late that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a
hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks ... PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore;
a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors, Fosters,
Carlsberg & Budweiser.
Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

 

[entree]

On a blackboard (remember those?)

Dear Algebra , please stop asking us to find your X

She is not going to come back and don't ask Y.

 

[looneytan]

Hey Bloodycock! This joke was already posted in post#1787! :o

Hey Bloodycock! This joke was already posted in 1819! :o

 

[bloodycock]

Hey Bloodycock! This joke was already posted in 1819! :o

Cant be..that was the year I discovered this place and I didnt tell the joke yet to the fishermen mats that were here

 

[Asterix]

When there is a will there is a way ...

[video=youtube;dIn3cdhhEEI]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIn3cdhhEEI[/video]

 

[yinyang]

A day in life of chartered accountant

A young woman walks into a Chartered accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her tax Returns.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address etc.

And then asks,”What’s your occupation?”

“I’m a prostitute,” she says.

The accountant is taken aback and says, “Thats too gross. Let’s try to re-phrase that."

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.

“No, that still won’t work. Need something more acceptable."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite poultry farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does poultry farming have to do, with being a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”

Chartered Acct :“ Brilliant !!! Poultry Farmer it is!!!
and agricultural income is tax free in our country

 

[yinyang]

Only certain professionals can get away saying these:

Doctor: "Please take off your clothes."

Dentist: "Now open wide and hold still "

Veterinarian: "How's your pretty pussy ?"

Gardener: "Want me to fertilize your bush ?"

Lawyer: "Let's go over section 69."

Banker: "If you withdraw too early yu lose interest."

Chef: "Do you like it hot and spicy.?"

Police: "You don't need protection."

Army personnel: "Load. Aim. Fire."

Swimming instructor: "Go deeper."

Gym trainer: "Push harder".

Interior Decorator: "Once its done, you will love it."

☎Telephone Guy : "Would you like it on the table or against the wall !!

 

[yinyang]

 

[yinyang]

Good English, gags on all sorts applications

Leave applications.
(murdering english language)

Infosys, Bangalore:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife ,
please sanction me one-week leave."
________________________________
Oracle, Bangalore:
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days.."
________________________________
Leave-letter from a CDAC employee who was
performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
________________________________
From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it please grant me 10 days leave."
________________________________
Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o'clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
________________________________
A leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
________________________________
A leave letter to a headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
________________________________
Another letter written to a headmaster:
"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."
________________________________
Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
________________________________
Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my bottom..."
________________________________
Actual application for leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
________________________________
Letter writing:
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.

 

[yinyang]

 

[bloodycock]

A golfer hits his ball into the yard of a house next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see
the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That's my
ball over there. May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand"

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball,
then walks back and throws it into the yard as well.

The man says, "What did you do that for?"
The golfer replies,
"I am a Golfer and a Gentleman - I
believe every prick should have two balls!"

Moral:
In golf as in life it is the follow through that makes the difference

 

[yinyang]

Enough Is Enough ...

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

"In front of you?" He asked, shy.

The nurse said "Well, I've seen the naked human body before."

The man said, "Not like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse, "I'm a professional. In over 20 years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said the patient and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge body with the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width it was smaller the a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I'm so sorry," she said, "I'm don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now tell me what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

 

[yinyang]

Sam failed his law exam

Sam failed in the final Law Exam & decided to make a deal with the Professor.

Sam: Sir, can I ask you one question?

Professor: Yes.

Sam: If you can answer this question, I will accept my final marks, but if you can't, then you will have to give me an "A" grading.

Professor agreed.

Sam asked: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?"

Prof thought about it for hrs & pondered but couldn't think of an answer.

He had to finally give up as he really don't know the answer.

He gave Sam an "A" grading as promised.

The following day, the Professor asked the same question to his students.

He was shocked when all of them raised their hands.

He asked one student.

The student answered:

Sir, you are 65, married to a 28 yrs old woman, this is legal but not logical.

Your wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal.

Your wife's boyfriend has failed in his exam & yet you have given him an "A", this is neither logical nor legal. ?The Professor fainted.

l am laughing since past 5 minutes, Now it's your turn.

 

[hornylee]

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement,
her Father asked,

"Does this fellow have any money?"

The daughter shook her head sadly.

"Oh Daddy! You men are all alike."

Sighing deeply, she replied,

"That's exactly what he asked me about you."

 

[yinyang]

HIS IS A NON PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY ALL PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT-- it's POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

(And it doesn't matter which country you're resident in!)

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.


'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning..

Today you voted.

 

[yinyang]

At Pappu's Funeral

PAPPU WALKED INTO A BAR AND AGGRESSIVELY SHOUTED HIS ORDER TO THE BAR MAN,

”PLEASE GIVE ME HALF CHICKEN TANDOORI AND THEN GIVE EVERYONE HALF A KILO STEAK AND MUTTON,

BCOZ WHEN I EAT, I WANT EVERYONE TO EAT!”

BAR MAN PROCESSED HIS REQUEST AND GAVE HIM HIS MEAL
AND EVERYONE ELSE THEIR MEALS.


WHEN THEY FINISHED ENJOYING THEIR MEAL HE
SHOUTED FOR ANOTHER ORDER,

”GIVE ME A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND GIVE EVERYBODY ELSE A BOTTLE OF JOHNNY WALKER BLACK,

BCOZ WHEN I DRINK, I WANT EVERYBODY TO DRINK!”

EVERYONE WAS HAPPY AND SINGING PRAISES, SAYING
PAPPU IS “THE MAN”.

WHEN PAPPU FINISHED HIS DRINK HE SHOUTED AGAIN:

“GIVE ME MY BILL AND GIVE EVERYONE ELSE THEIR OWN BILL,

BCOZ WHEN I PAY, I WANT EVERYONE TO PAY ”. . .

PAPPU'S FUNERAL IS TOMORROW AT 10 AM...