Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[jubilee1919]

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.


A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
She said, "I think it must have been the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply, asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"
She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one!!"



My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world, with the downstairs flooded for the last five weeks. Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a boat.
"Thank God!" I shouted "Have you come to save us?"
"No," They replied "We're collecting donations for Syria."




During my recent golf outing, I had been slicing off the tee on every hole. I asked my Scottish-born caddy if he noticed any obvious reasons for my poor tee shots, to which the caddy replied:
"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver !!"
I picked up my driver and cleaned the club face, at which point, the caddy said, "No, the other end !!"

 

[hornylee]

A man shouts to his wife "Come here and look at my clock"

She walks in to find him naked with a hard on.

She says "That's not a clock"

He answers "It wil be when you put two hands and a face on it"

 

[jubilee1919]

Q: What's the cheapest thing on a BMW Motorcycle?

A: The rider



Q. What's the most dangerous part on a motorcycle?

A. The nut that connects the seat to the handlebar.



Harley Definition:

The most efficient way to convert gasoline into noise without the annoying side effect of horsepower.




The Chicken and the Horse

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a m&d hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the m&d hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the m&d hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

 

[jubilee1919]

Irish Prostitute


An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate, for me little brother, this gold Rolex, and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.

 

[jubilee1919]

Blond and the Snow Plow


It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprise when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the WalMart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

 

[jubilee1919]

"Buy Some Panties"


A young girl is walking up the stairs in a church just as the priest is walking by. He looks up and is shocked to see the girl isn't wearing any panties.

He calls to the girl, gives her $25 and says, "Young lady, it's not proper to walk around without any panties on. Take this money and buy yourself some panties."

The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her to buy some panties for her. The mother asks her daughter where she got the money from and the girl explains what happened.

After learning how her daughter got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, puts on the shortest skirt she has and runs to the church.

As soon as she sees the priest approaching, she starts to walk up the stairs. The priest notices her and calls her down.

Not wanting the priest to think she's expecting anything, she calmly walks back down the stairs to where he is waiting.

The priest hands the woman $1 and says, "Lady, take this and for goodness sake, go buy yourself a razor!

 

[jubilee1919]

John was in a bar looking very dejected.

His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has Problems with their mother-in-law."

"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."




Jeff meets Doug at the bar after work. Doug is really upset.

"What's wrong, pal?" Jeff asked. "You look really down."

"I am. My wife said she wants to have sex in the back seat of the car," Doug replied.

"So what's wrong with that?" Jeff asked seeming somewhat confused.

"Well," Doug sighs, "she said she wants me to be the one driving the car."




Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a shit what you think."




Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fekin idiot!

 

[jubilee1919]

I got up at halftime and went into the bathroom to make room for some more beer.
When I came out my wife said, "Did you wash your hands?"
I said, "No. Why make such a big deal about it?"
"Well, you went to the bathroom, your hands are dirty," she complained, "Go back and wash them!"
"I don't know what you're complaining about, I didn't touch anything in there you haven't had in your mouth!"
I slept on the couch that night.



Chuckie Chicken

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."

"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"



Boil His Prick

A doctor is standing in the hall of a hospital talking with a colleague when suddenly one of his patients runs down the hall in his hospital gown screaming at the top of his lungs.

Right behind the patient is a nurse carrying a pan of steaming, boiling-hot water, obviously chasing the patient.

The doctor interrupts his conversation with his colleague and shouts to the chasing nurse, "Miss Jones, I said 'Prick his boil!'

 

[jubilee1919]

An English tourist was driving through the countryside down under when he noticed a man at the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.
A few miles further on he came upon a small town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.
He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.
The English tourist turned to the barman and said: "What sort of country is this? A few miles down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone."

The barman replied, "You heartless bastard, he's only got one leg! How do you expect him to catch a Kangaroo?"

 

[jubilee1919]

Thai Bride

Had the most fantastic handjob which was finished by the best oral sex ever. Lying in bed having my marbles gently massaged afterwards, I asked if she found rubbing them a real turn on. No, she said, I just miss my own...mwaaahhh!

 

[jubilee1919]

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.’

 

[jubilee1919]

Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with the nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.
"So", he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield."

"Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the New Town."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away, she says, "Mrs McTavish, your husband must have been such

a hard working man to have accumulated all this property."

Sarah replies, "Property? ... its his fucking paper round!"

 

[jubilee1919]

Saw this in Gumtree....so funny

 

[jubilee1919]

clinton666 Classic

You retarded gay dog :oIo:

Fight me in the Octagon if your mum borned you with testicles!:oIo:

I warn you not to mess with me!

I know Karate, Judo, Aikido, Jiujitsu and 22 other japanese words.:kma::kma::kma:

 

[cheesecake]

Saw this in Gumtree....so funny

I'm gonna find some in Mandai and have an extra income.

 

[hornylee]

lol...not only the money bro...notice the condition 'used'...after he fcuked the spider now he wanna sell it for 20k ..lol lol lol.

Second hand goods anyone?

I'm gonna find some in Mandai and have an extra income.

 

[Faidenk]

Excerpts Taken From SMRT Ltd (Feedback)

1. Today is Valentine's day.

Couples will usually call each other "B" for 'baby' more often than any other days.

The next day however, when they fight, the B becomes "Babi", "Bodoh", "Bastard".



2.

3. To be a badass, you have to know the law.

But for law on divorces, that one need to ask my friend Ahmad, because he Malay. More experienced.

Fraud law go to Lup Cheong and Rioting law ask Muthu.

For adultery cases, Eurasians expert. That one ask Michael Palmer.



4. A Mat, who was in Primary 3, came home from school one day and asked his father, "Bapak, today in school, me and friends had competisen, see who's kukubird the biggest, lah. My kukubird bigger than all, lah. Why ah? Because I Melayu, issit?

The father sighed and looked at him and said, "No."

"Because you're eighteen years old."



5. An Indian guy takes a Chinese girl home from a nightclub. On the bed, she says "Show me it's true what they say about Indian men."

So the Indian guy drank his Guinness, got drunk, and beat her up.



6. A Malay guy takes a Chinese girl home from a nightclub.
On the bed, she says "Show me it's true what they say about Malay men."

So the Malay guy went to one corner, smoked a Marlboro cigarette and sniffed glue.




7. Run Run Shaw has finally stopped running.



8. I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."



9. Little India riot starts at 9.23pm but Police comes at 11.30pm.

SDP's peaceful rally starts at 11am but Police already on scene at 10am.


10. To hijab ladies, if you are a frontline police officer, you are made to respond to a murder case in a pork butchery, and there's no other non-muslim officers around, would you still respond?

If you say yes because it's part of the job, then we support the hijab cause. If you say no because it offends your religion, then we will hijab your face.

At last some local accented jokes. My humble points. And also, most of your jokes I haven't read before.

 

[cheesecake]

lol...not only the money bro...notice the condition 'used'...after he fcuked the spider now he wanna sell it for 20k ..lol lol lol.

Second hand goods anyone?

Haha, can I charge more if mine is not "Used?" I have fucked enough spiders during my NS days.

 

[hornylee]

Virgin and experienced milf spiders command a premium...the rest just let ah Leong rape them.

Haha, can I charge more if mine is not "Used?" I have fucked enough spiders during my NS days.

 

[looneytan]

Wah! This one credit must be given to Desmond