Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[jubilee1919]

At last some local accented jokes. My humble points. And also, most of your jokes I haven't read before.

Thanks bro, it gives us contributors more incentives to post good jokes we come across. What would life be without taking time off to have a good laugh as laughter and humour is the best medicine and provides health benefits by reducing the stress we faced everyday?

 

[jubilee1919]

Adult Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
pies you stupid cunt

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad...
She got a fur coat, jewellery and a sports car

 

[jubilee1919]

Paddy brought his pal home for dinner, unannounced.
His wife shouted at him: "Me hair an’ makeup aren’t done; de house is in a mess; de dishes is still in de sink; Oi’m still in me pyjamas; an’ Oi can't be boddered wid cookin’ tonoight! Why did ya bring him home?"

"’cause he's tinkin’ o’ gettin’ married."



In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR..

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

Men and inquisitiveness eh! ...


A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!

Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"























Why are you scrolling down?

It's your turn to speak!!....xx
_________________




I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as oral high Jean.







A woman went to the hospital.
What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear. They're the stickers off the bananas."


I actually got a bit of a semi after reading that one

 

[jubilee1919]

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,

"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO,
who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to go give dog fucked."

hmmm sounds familiar.........must tell AhMeng about this.

 

[jubilee1919]

The Royal Baby “Prince George” is still less than 6 months old and believe it or not he has already completed three things that are on MY bucket list.

He has:

1. Become a billionaire

2. Met the Queen

3. Sucked Kate Middleton's Tits

Life is so unfair:(:(:(



Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement - Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.
How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes...
How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
Luigi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red...
He states, 'Carmela, you stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please,please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'
Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ....

I thought I had a crack in my $300 Armani leather shoes.....

 

[yinyang]

Thai Bride
...best oral sex ever. Lying in bed having my marbles gently massaged afterwards, I asked if she found rubbing them a real turn on. No, she said, I just miss my own...mwaaahhh!

Omg, junior sure go south.:*:

To all gents here (errrr.. at least I would like to think so :p ), appreciate your funnies. Jubilee, you seem to have archive, from all your bar jokes?

 

[yinyang]

Retiree Test . . . .

Watch Closely

Are the patterns moving? Or are they perfectly still?






The patterns are used to test the level of stress a person can handle.

The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling stress.

Alleged criminals that were tested see them spinning around madly.

However, senior citizens and kids see them standing still.

None of these images are animated - they are perfectly still.

If you did NOT see any movement in the patterns, look closely at the following photo.




Senior citizens ... if you don't see movement in this photo,

Call an Ambulance.

 

[wathecrap]

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.

He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?

The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."

 

[jubilee1919]

Sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend, I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said "That's us in ten years."

He said "That's a mirror, you dipshit!"

 

[jubilee1919]

Omg, junior sure go south.:*:

To all gents here (errrr.. at least I would like to think so :p ), appreciate your funnies. Jubilee, you seem to have archive, from all your bar jokes?

I would like to say yes, but sadly the truth is, I don't have the memory of an elephant. Part of the jokes (old ones) are those jogged from memory, some from emails received and some from drink buddies. The rest either from other forums or from a few websites I visited.

 

[jubilee1919]

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

 

[jubilee1919]

I went to see a pretty lady doc today and was told i would need to stop masturbating. I asked, "Was it doing me any harm?"

She replied, No, but i'm trying to examine you.....





Wee boy goes into the kitchen to get his maw,

"Mummy, Granny has fallen asleep on the couch, and her prawn is hanging out"

The mother goes through to the living room to see Grandma asleep on the couch, with her legs apart and her dressing gown open.
She decides she should be truthful with her son,

"That's not a prawn," she says. "That's Grandma's clitoris."

Wee fella says, " Well it tasted like a prawn to me."




Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'




I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.
I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?” Well, that was when the trouble started…!




A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

“Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard:

“Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’”

“The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’”





MARRIAGE & MARIJUANA

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

 

[yinyang]

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

Eg When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. (the bait!)

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop:

Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

 

[yinyang]

two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said "That's us in ten years."
He said "That's a mirror, you dipshit!"

Truth hurts, reality bites. Or in self denial:p

 

[jubilee1919]

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

more....

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

 

[jubilee1919]

The new neighbor


She's single...


She lives right across the road.
I can see her place from my deck.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway and knocked on my door.
I rushed to open it, she looks at me and says,
"I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free, I have no plans at all!"

She said, "Great! Could you watch my dog?"

Being a senior citizen, really sucks!




Better than a Flu Shot!


Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated. of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones,they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few
months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

 

[jubilee1919]

Completed vs. Finished

Faced with the difficult task of distinguishing between to complete and to finish, a man came up with the following:
If a man marries the right woman, she will make him complete.
If he marries the wrong woman, he is finished.

If the right woman catches him with the wrong woman, he is COMPLETELY FINISHED.

Ach!! This is infinito!

 

[cheesecake]

Excerpts Taken From SMRT Ltd (Feedback)

1. Today is Valentine's day.

Couples will usually call each other "B" for 'baby' more often than any other days.

The next day however, when they fight, the B becomes "Babi", "Bodoh", "Bastard".



2.

Best joke I've heard for a long time and local too. Good one.

 

[cheesecake]

This one cracks me up, I wonder why?


Subscription


Dear subscriber, due to the recent typhoon will you please remove pages 6-20 in this months edition of Filipino Brides.

Thank you for your understanding.

 

[yinyang]

Best joke I've heard for a long time and local too. Good one.

Wonder if I get in hot soup if I spread the goodwill on this 1? Let the spy network get a good laugh