Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[DerekDuhh]

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers.Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and there are only two moving parts, the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable"

 

[DerekDuhh]

Single:

1. Single means you have the time to grow and be the
person you want to be.

2. Single gives you space to grow. It is harder to
grow when you are too close to someone.

3. Single means learning to live by yourself.

4. Single means freedom.

5. Single means learning not to need a man/woman to make your life meaningful.

6. Single is realizing that being married is not
necessarily better.

7. Single means that there could be something
wonderful around the corner and you can take advantage of it.

8. Single means you are free to love again.

9. Single means you have more time to care for other
people.

MARRIAGE

1. Marriage is not a word, but a sentence (life
sentence).

2. Marriage is very much like a violin, after the
sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

3. Marriage is love, love is blind. Therefore marriage
is an institution for the blind. Marriage is an institution
in which a man loses his Bachelor's and the woman gets her Masters.

4. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's
finger and two under the man's eyes.

5. Marriage is not just having a wife but also
inherited worries forever.

6. Marriage requires a man to purchase 4 types of "Ring" engagement ring, wedding ring, suffe-ring and
endur-ing.

7. Marriage life is full of excitement and frustration. In the first year, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. And in the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

8. It is true that love is blind but marriage is an
eye-opener.

9. Getting married is very much like going to the
restaurant with friends.You ordered what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wished you had ordered that.

10. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking,
the husband gives and the wife takes.

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the
alarm clock.

12. When a newly married man looks happy, we know
why.But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

13. Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then
when he is married, he is finished.

 

[DerekDuhh]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle....I'm still a virgin".

What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times? Well,

husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. .heck... I miss....him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[DerekDuhh]

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and
my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug
going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door
neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take
the contagious."

 

[niceguy]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a deep breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith...............the midget."
--

 

[hornylee]

Singh jokes, requires local** **knowledge: *
*and some knowledge of Hokkien!*
Q: Why are there so many Sikh money changers in Singapore?
A: Because they like to deal in Singh dollars.

Q: Why do Sikhs make good shopkeepers
A: Because when you enter their shop to buy
something, you are the buyer; which makes them the buyee.

Q: What do u call a Bhai who wants to make a U-turn?
A: Ke belakang-pu Singh

Q: What do you call a Bhai who drinks only beer?
A: Jasbir Singh.

Q: What is the study of young bhais?
A: Microbhailogy.

Q: What was Mrs. Singh called when she posed for Playboy?
A: Bohcheng Kaur

Q: What was Mrs. Singh called when she joined a Cantonese criminal gang?
A: Tai Kaur

Q: What was the Six Million Dollar Bhai also called?
A: The Bhai-onic man

Q: Where to find a Bhai doctor?
A: At Tantock Singh Hospital, S'pore.

Q: What do you call a Bhai who comes to visit you every three days?
A: Sarjit Singh

Q: What do you call a Bhai who's lost?
A: Miss Singh

Q: What do you call a Bhai who lives between Singapore and Kuantan?
A: Mer Singh

Q: What do you call a Bhai who's coming only tomorrow
A: Mahjit Singh

Q: What do you call a Bhai who likes Chinese herbs?
A: Gin Singh!

Q: What do you call a Bhai with only one testicle?
A: Balwant Singh

Q: What do you call a Bhai on a tightrope?
A: Balance Singh

Q: What is the official mode of transport for Bhais?
A: Bhaicycles

Q: What heart surgery procedure did Mr. Singh undergo?
A: A bhaipass.

Q: What is the study of Sikhs called?
A: Bhai-ology

Q: What do you call a Sikh who is covetous?
A: Gian singh

 

[yinyang]

Hornylee, bagus the sikh jokes:p Local flavour. Hmmm, dare I spread goodwill with turbaned friends?

 

[hornylee]

Can YY. Just pinch them and ask them what colour while you are sharing them jokes.

A Sikh was on his way to Khalsa Club when he decided to take a short-cut
through somebody's garden. The Owner comes out angrily shouting :
Hey, do you know you are trespassing?
Sikh answered : No, I'm Jaspar Singh

Hornylee, bagus the sikh jokes:p Local flavour. Hmmm, dare I spread goodwill with turbaned friends?

 

[sirus]

Humour to add laughter to your day

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true.
As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed.
But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.

Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person
has, you wish you had ordered that.

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr : married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr : No, but the thought of long life will never come.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
'Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!!'

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A little boy went up to his father and asked :
'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'
His father replied:
'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.'

Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
'Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.'
The mother wrote back the next day:
'If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father!'

 

[JWNY]

a gift from a friend bought in BKK. Good message!

 

[jubilee1919]

Singh jokes, requires local** **knowledge: *
*and some knowledge of Hokkien!*
Q: What do you call a Singh who thinks he is Singapore's funny man?
A: Vomit Singh!

 

[jubilee1919]

Cool message by a wife to her Mom-in law:

Dear Mom, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

 

[jubilee1919]

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.!!

 

[Spock]

What do you have if all you can think about are Sikhs? Ans: Singhful (Sinful) thoughts

What did Jesus tell the Sikhs? Ans: Let he who is not Singh cast the first stone

What do you call a female Sikh who did not answer her phone? Ans: Missed Kaur (Call)

What do call a female Sikh who promises to call you back? Ans: Return Kaur

 

[hornylee]

keep it up guys. i go look up some more from my archives.

 

[yinyang]

Guess what commercial?

Guess what ad?

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come
> > across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath.
> > So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the
> > lake.
> >
> > The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath, too.
> >
> > Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the water and you hear the
> > splash, you can turn around."
> >
> > Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that
> > very moment, she is startled by a frog that jumps into the water before she
> > can.
> >
> > The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White
> > standing NAKED.
> >
> > Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is
> > being advertised?
> >
> > ?????????
> > > >
> > ? ? ? ? ? Come on Now,
> >
> >
> > ?????
> >
> > This should be easy for a person of your background and mental powers
> >
> > ???????
> >
> > If you can't figure it out just scroll down for the answer.
> >
> > ?????
> > > >
> > "SEVEN UP!!!"

 

[yinyang]

Computer technology?

 

[yinyang]

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.< em>

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

 

[jubilee1919]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is
hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"What do you mean $200 per night?! It's too much"

 

[jubilee1919]

A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish." the soldier said.
The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse." he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"