Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[DerekDuhh]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

 

[DerekDuhh]

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

 

[DerekDuhh]

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

 

[DerekDuhh]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

 

[DerekDuhh]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered",
she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck,"
the rottweiler ate him!"

 

[DerekDuhh]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to
dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his
wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home wiith her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son In-law.'

 

[DerekDuhh]

It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"



Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.

This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!!!!!!(10 times....... ...huh... ...My Gosh!)

 

[DerekDuhh]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his

wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,'

she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So

he tied her up and went golfing.

 

[DerekDuhh]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the

driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the

door and shouted at the top of her

lungs, 'Honey,

pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my Gosh! What should I pack,

beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,'

she said. 'Just get out.'

 

[DerekDuhh]

A Polish immigrant went to apply for a

driver's license. First, of course, he had to take

an eye sight test The optician showed him a card
with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?'

the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy

replied, 'I know
the guy.'

 

[DerekDuhh]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her

husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the

kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some

more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at

once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need

more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get

MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen

to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn

them! Hurry

up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't

forget to salt them. You know you always forget to

salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong

with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple

of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted

to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

[DerekDuhh]

Deer Meat



A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his
wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give
them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'it's what mommy calls me sometimes.'

The little girl screams to her brother, 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole.'

 

[DerekDuhh]

he outsourcing of business is getting out of hand !

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Suicide Help Hotline. I was put through to a 'call center' in Pakistan .

I explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane . . .

 

[DerekDuhh]

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out
together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against
the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"
"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her
nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at
them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll
come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for goodness sake tell
your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

 

[DerekDuhh]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, ARE NOT:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6 Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't
1. Think you can get me off?

 

[DerekDuhh]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, ARE NOT:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

 

[DerekDuhh]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, ARE NOT:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

 

[DerekDuhh]

Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the
top........................

 

[DerekDuhh]

Survey

100,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what THEY liked best
about getting "Oral Sex":

a.. 3% liked the warmth.

b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.

c.. 93% appreciated the silence.

 

[DerekDuhh]

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that 1 had to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping ........